King of the Road (2016-…): Season 1, Episode 10 - End of the Line - full transcript

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---
Please do not attempt to perform

Any of these stunts
or activities in this show.

'cause they are
super dangerous --

Crazy-wild dangerous.

The stunts seen are either
performed by professionals

Or under the supervision
of professionals --

Serious professionals.

This show also contains
bad language.

Man:
Should we get it right now?

You want to get it?

Man:
Andy, which one?



We got the pliers
all ready.

Oh, my god.

This is
my third one with pliers.

One, two, three.

All: Oh!

Oh, that's fucked.
So fucked.

I don't know
if it's that shit that smells

Or your tooth smells.
That's my tooth.

Oh.

Yeah.

that's fucked.

Fuck dentistses, man.
You know what I mean?

Like, that's -- that's --
it's overrated.

♪



♪ raw oysters, texas pete

♪ sea urchin on the reef

♪ sour cheeseburger bit to eat

♪ lick butter goes with keef

♪ into the cocoa leaf

♪ fresh maggots on my teeth,
they're cheap ♪

♪ oh, baby!

♪

All right, boys.
This is the last day and a half

We have here.

I know it's tough
to be down our mvp,

But I'm confident in all
you guys pulling through.

A few more things
to check off the list.

Let's do it.

So, this is the 11th
"king of the road,"

And after seeing 10 of these
and being in the van,

I don't know.

This is, like,
the craziest it's ever been.

♪

For the last week
and a half, every day,

They've been making themselves
do something dangerous...

It's like a barbecue.

...Painful...

Fuck, dude.

...Embarrassing...

Dude, it's beer.
Feels --

oh, my god! He farted!

...By this point of the trip,
these guys are zorched.

Hopefully, they've put
so much effort into it

That they're not just gonna
piss away the last few hours.

Aah!

I fucking hate myself!

It's the last day,
last city.

Everyone's trying
to finish the book.

Everyone's trying to get in
their last big stunts,

But we still have
l.A. City challenges.

♪

Everybody get in real quick.
I got to go over the agenda.

Your final city
is los angeles.

Buy a dozen fancy donuts

And meet up with daewon
for his special challenges.

Oh, my god.
Daewon.

That shouldn't be
fucking difficult.

For chocolate, they're gonna
meet up with daewon song.

Daewon song is our
2006 skater of the year.

This dude is unmatched
in his technical abilities

As well as all the weird,
weird stuff he can do.

He's got some challenges
for the chocolate team.

But something
that's simple for daewon

Would be somebody
else's best trick.

Yeah.

Dude's a ninja, though,
for real.

Let's do it.

Toy machine, go to arto's
and accomplish

His special challenges --
300 points.

We're sending the toy machine
team over to arto's.

Arto saari set
the skateboard world on fire.

He came out of finland --

Couldn't speak
a lick of english.

He is our 2001
skater of the year.

So, we've got some
special scandinavian challenges.

Meet up
with roller-skating sensation

Michelle "estro jen" steilen

And accomplish her special
challenges -- 300 points.

Whoo!

Yeah, that's it.
I guess we'll go get breakfast

And get
on the road, then.

Birdhouse is
going to long beach

To meet up
with estro jen...

Hi.

...Who's
this roller derby girl

Who rides her roller skates
at skateparks

And at street spots.

And we seen her
on the internet

And thought she's pretty badass.

Dixon: I don't know if I can
have the mic today.

I'm gonna be getting
fucking extreme.

It might go down.

Holy shit.

Steilen:
So, who's in charge?

Man:
Uh, you are! You are!

I'm in charge?
Hell, yeah!

First, we're gonna go

To david gonzalez's ramp,
which is, like, down the street.

He's got a half-pipe
in his backyard.

And we're gonna teach you
how to handstand fakie

On his mini-ramp.

Can you guys do handstands
just, like,

Without wheels
on your feet?

Probably. Okay.

This is fucked!

All right, let's go.

Oh, we're going that way?

Man:
oh, fuck.

Clive just bellyflopped.

♪

Man: What do you got
for us, dae?

Looks sketchy.
What do we got to do?

Challenge today is

First, on the filing cabinet,
I just want to see

Somebody to that
hand-slapper thing

That jake duncombe
used to do back in the day.

You just
put your board up,

Just put your hand on it
and then slap it back down.

And then
second challenge is

Somebody needs
to kickflip nose manny

Across the ramp
with my board.

Ohh.

You've got that one.

The third one is somebody
just can blunt kickflip

With just their bearings
on their board.

Just the bearings
on the board.

It just -- it --
just the bearings.

And for
every try you miss --

For every try you miss, you guys
have to eat a donut hole.

Oh, wow.

Every time you miss?!

Raven, you're gonna eat
a lot of donuts.

All right, raven,
official tries start now.

Official tries start now.

Man: Got a hole.
First try.

♪ I ain't gonna stop

♪ just because I get tired

...Done.

Got that.
You got that, raven.

♪ oh, I remember the day

♪ when I was always wired

♪ well, I might change,
but I could never retire ♪

Fuck yeah, jesse.

Man: That's it, dude.

Are you
fucking kidding me?

No, no, no!
We've eaten all these donuts.

Where are your donuts,
johnny?

You're, uh, you're
behind by six.

Six?
Yeah.

How many is this?
That's got to be
like 11 or 12.

Song: All right, the next
challenge is

They got to do a kickflip
nose manny on my board, so...

♪

He's got to watch out
for wheel bite.

All right, stevie.

Burnett:
Daewon's set-up, the trucks
are so loose that they rattle.

There's nothing in there.

It's like if you ripped
the cartilage out of your knees.

They just clack.

Oh! Yeah!

Man:
Fuck, yeah, dude.

Gonna be fucking throwing up
with no points in an hour.

That definitely
counted.

Song: Hell, yeah.

Thanks, daewon!
Thanks, dae!

Yeah, daewon!

What's happenin', bros?

Man:
We're really here.
How you doing?

Sinclair:
Got to complete our last city
challenge with arto saari.

I don't know what
they're gonna be.

I have a feeling that
at least one of them

Will be in his pool
in his backyard.

Thing is awesome.

Whoo-wee!

Good to see you.
How are you, buddy?

Welcome.

Man, I'm stoked.

This scene is so sick.

Trying to get the legs loose.

Got the pool here.

All the homies.

All right, let's just get
straight to grinds, then.

♪

I'm gonna blow it
for everyone.

I already know.

I like the breeze.
I can barely move.

Yeah, bill!

Big bill.

Check!

There's a couple of, uh,
scando-delights over here

On this table for you.

We got some mustard.

We got some, uh,
salted fish,

Some anchovies and tomato sauce.

We got some cheap vodka.

Let's not forget
the, uh, caviar.

Take a scoop of that,
eat this,

And we'll chase it down.
You want vodka?

Didn't really eat breakfast.
I'm pretty psyched.

Man #1: Take a shot.
Man #2: It's not the shot,
that's a fucking --

Ugh.

How's that? Mike, you got to
take one for the team.

There's no fucking way
that's good.

There's no fucking
way that's good.

This is the best meal
I had the whole trip, mike.

Fuck that.

Mike! Mike! Claire!
You don't --

Close your eyes,
and you just got to smell it.

Just make out with it.

Man:
Toes on the mark.

1...2...3...

Ugh!

Ugh, that's terrible.

♪

We're here!

Oh, we're here?

We're here!

So, the challenge
is this...

Man: Damn,
they're ripping it.

What?!
Holy shit.

It's hard, dude.

No, no,
we got this.

All right,
so, I guess

We're just taking
that first handstand?

Send it.

That was --
that was sick.

That was sick!
Thanks.

Thanks!
See you later!

All right, last challenge --
sauna town.

Whoever stays the longest
is basically...

Becomes one of
the scando brothers.

But everyone's got to go in
including mike. Where's mike?

I got to
go in there, too?

The temperature should be
about 200 fahrenheit right now.

It's been on all morning.

I've been cooking it up.

200? If I don't make it out,
just push me out, bill.

Roll me out.

Everyone in.
Find a spot.

Top shelf.
Don't let the heat out.

Losing heat.
Losing heat.

Mike:
You're losing heat.
Losing heat.

Where's mike at?

Give me a fucking hug!

Saari: All right. All right,
we got to do a 30-second blast.

Start with a slow pour.

Dude, it hurt.

Oh, my god.
What the fuck?

Ooh.

That was like benihana.

What the fuck?

My fingertips
are burnt.

Burned my knuckles,
like, dead serious.

It was the hottest thing
I've ever felt in my life.

I just wanted to give you
the honorary blast.

It must be 500 degrees.
It's fucking crazy.

I don't even know
who's still in there.

They're fucking stupid
if they're in there.

Yes!

The official
finnish champion.

whoo!

Sinclair: Axel!

The guys killed it.

All the challenges have been
taken care of, you know?

No one's hospitalized, so that's
always a bonus, you know?

Mike, we got to get
to that finish line.

I just -- hopefully,
it didn't pop off. Hold on.

Is it gonna
get more fucked than this?

Burnett:
I don't think so.

I think this might -- I think
we may have hit the wall,

As far as fucked.

Warning --
please do not attempt --

Wait.
Please do not attempt.

All right.

♪

Hey, boys, we got
a special kotr announcement.

We're going to mexico!

All right, here we go.

Los angeles bounties.

We got bounties!
Man: What?

Bounties for tricks.

The same rules as s.F.

First footage sent to
the group text gets the points.

Perform a christie boardslide
or lipslide

On the silver lake
curb ledge.

Get a trick on this rail.

Oh, fuck that.
Fuck, no.

Hey. Hey, get a trick
on the figge curb rail.

Holy shit!

I don't know who the fuck's
gonna touch that, but...

No comply
the van owen bump...

...Van owen bump
over the street.
What?!

Ollie off the roof
of your van into skip's ditch.

On skip's dick.
We got to ollie off the van

Onto skip's dick.

All right,
we got to choose wisely.

It's traffic hour.
We're fucked!

Skip's ditch.

So, where should we go?
Should we try to go to this?

Yeah. You guys go
to silver lake.

We're going to skip's ditch.

That's what I'm saying.
Get it!

Burnett:
For the l.A. Bounties,

We're gonna be sending them
to famous spots around l.A,

Same thing as in s.F.

First come, first serve.

Burnett: This is most
of these guys' hometown,

So it's really
gonna be a scramble

To see
who can do this first.

Skip's ditch, it's actually
the santa ana river,

But they paved it over.

Somebody's gonna have
to fly off the roof of their van

Into this
gigantic bank.

You're, like, right here,
so it's a little gap into it.

Right there?

That's good.
That's perfect.

All right.
Let's do it.

♪

I'm not ready to jump
something like this.

Yeah, let's go!

So, I'm skating this thing?
Whew.

Aah! Mother...

He broke his board?

Holy shit.

That's gnarly.

Whose board can I take?

Anybody's.
Except for bill.

Yeah, don't fuck
with bill's board.

I sent it to burnett.
Man: All right.

Oh, joe's
already got it!

Yeah. Burnett said
they nailed it, though.

It's up to you.

Man: That's skip's ditch,
motherfucker.

10 fucking seconds.
That's not fucking right.

When did they get here?
How'd they do that?

Where are they?
Where are they?

I don't know.

Well, let's head to l.A.
We'll -- we'll get in the van.

♪

East l.A, gigantic curved rail

Up against a wall,
20-plus stairs,

David gonzalez laid
into a feeble grind down it.

That's a big rail, not just
some play-around challenge.

We want to see if somebody
can do a trick on it.

We're fucking, like,
one step behind.

Hey, we got so
many snacks, mike.

♪

Yeah.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Man: He had to give us
some points. Come on, man.

Thank you.

Fuckers!

And then he was, like,
trying to get in the way.

Look. Look. Watch.

Watch this.

Hold on.

Oh, you can
see me wringing!

look at my shirt, dude!

Look what you did
to that shit!

Yep. We're not
fucking around.

Well, I -- I am.
Dax is not.

♪

Uh, birdhouse team, the
motherfuckers came in a uber.

Lay down, jereme!
Act dead!

Act dead!
You must stop.

I'm dead.
No, my beer!

What's up?

Silver lake --
back in this neighborhood,

There's this curved ledge.

A boardslide, reach down,

Grab the tail,
and kick out a foot.

It's a long slide.

It's not gonna be amazing
if somebody does this.

It's gonna be
kind of amazingly dumb.

You got it.
You got it.

Roy: No!
That's not a make.

You guys got to
get in his way,

Like, you got to,
like, fucking --

Nah, we're gonna play fair.
At least if we lose --

Fair?! Oh, man.
Yeah. Yeah.

You're --
all right.

Man, this is a war.
You know that, right?

Yeah. But --
yeah. Yeah.
This is a battle.

But if we lose not cheating,
we don't look bad.

And if we win not cheating,
we look great.

It's not cheating.
It's called, uh...

Johnny, come on.

Just do it there.

Yeah, do it.
Stop and do it.

Do it, and then keep pushing,
seriously. Just bend down --

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey!

Vitetta:
Don't fucking push him, dude.

Get the fuck
out of here!
No one touched you.

I'm gonna fucking
throw a fucking rock

In your face,
motherfucker!

Damn it.
It's really hard

Not to want to just hit
that dude in the face.

We'll break your cameras, we'll
break your car, everything.

Shut up!
You can't do that.

No, come on, man,
seriously.

Shut up!
You're --
you're way...

You don't even have
the whole team here.

You're unsquaded right now.
You can't do that.

Oh, fuck.
Yes!

And they just did it.

Did you get that?

I don't know.
They haven't posted it yet.

Kick it off.

Walker: Hey!

Chill the fuck out!

Hey,
chill the fuck out!

You just stabbed a fucking tire!
What the fuck, dude?

Dude, you fucking hit him
with a skateboard.
Walker: What the fuck?!

Rogers: Hey, well, you shouldn't
have laid hands on him.

You shouldn't have
put your hands on him.

Instead of letting
the air out,

You stabbed
the fucking tire?!

Hey, well, you shouldn't
have put your hands on johnny.

That's a person.
You're serious?

You shouldn't
have touched him.

Really? Who just stabbed
the fucking tire?

Yeah, well,
one lead to another.

You shouldn't have don't it.
That wasn't okay.

Wow.
You broke
the contact barrier.

You broke the contact barrier.
That was you.

And you hit a person
with a skateboard,

And you think you have
something to say.

That's the fucking difference.
That is the difference.
That is fucked up.

Like, you know
what I'm saying?
That's the difference.

That's the difference.

Yeah, we know we were trying to
let each others' air out.

Like, that's funny.
But, like, that's serious.

Well, you guys
started that originally, too.
It's a brand-new
fucking tire.

Like, you literally
just stabbed the tire.

Yep. And you literally
just touched a man's skateboard,

And that
could've got hurt.

We're literally just
at a skate spot.

We're fucking
skateboarding.

A person is worth
so much more than materials.
I get it.

You hit a person.
You hit a person.

Dude,
you guys are fucking --
but that's a tire.
This is a person.

Get the fuck...

Berle: The one day that
I wasn't there,

It got
a little out of hand.

Clint was doing his
fucking jock shit again,

And he hit johnny's board
out from underneath him

When he was boardsliding
this ledge.

It just pissed raven off a lot.

I'm not saying that
that was acceptable

For raven to do at all.

But what clint did was
the most unacceptable thing

You probably could've done,
you know?

Like, dude, you just hit
another skater with a board.

What are you thinking, dude?

I was literally trying
to just tell you guys

That I think you guys
are all fucking sick,

And I want to be friends 'cause
we're fucking skateboarding!

That's the way to tell them.
You guys can't take that!

Well, that's the way
to tell them.

I'm sorry for hitting you
with a skateboard!

We're literally skateboarding!
That's it!

We're skateboarding!
Yeah. No. No,
we should be just skateboarding,

Not hitting people.

And I'm literally
saying sorry

To every fucking one
of you guys!

Then calm down
and do it right.

No, let him do it.

Apologize right then.
You can do it right.

You don't yell apologies.

Nah, bro.

Berle:
I'm fucking proud of ray-ray

For keeping his composure,
you know?

And then after,
I think clint realized

What he had done, he was
kind of trying to be like,

"oh, I'm sorry, dude.

We're just playing around,
right?"

We're like, "nah, dude, like,
you took it way too far, man."

This trick is done.

Rogers: Let's go, johnny!
They just got confirmation.

Have a good day,
clint.

He's fucking
out of his mind.

Vitetta:
He can go fuck himself.

I'll never fucking take a hit
from a skate and just walk away.

I didn't see that happen.
Yeah, it happened.

Dude, he fucking
decked me with his board.
Really?

Like, full decked me
on my fucking shoulder.

Where?
Right now?

Whoa.
Yes, dude.

He decked me
with a fucking board, bro.

That's why I was like,

"fucking come up here,
you little bitch.

Don't fucking
walk up to me."

Oh, my god, dude.
Man, fuck that photo.

Mofo's just hitting me
with the board.

Muller: It sucks that david's
tire got slashed.

He wasn't even
involved in anything.

Watching people fight
in general is lame as fuck,

And when it's your friends,
it's even worse.

So, I was just
up on the hill like,

"I can't believe this shit
is happening right now."

People are probably
just stressed

And fried at that point.

Holy shit.
Huh?

Raven stabbed
their tire.

But that's the kind of shit
that starts a fight.
Yeah.

Bringing someone else
into it like that, no.

For sure.
For sure.

♪

Right in their backyard,
the van owen bump.

It's a natural kicker
over an entire street.

Everyone skates it and doesn't
realize how hard it is.

Oh.
There they are.

We didn't want
that shit to happen.

It was, like,
he could've dropped his board

And fucking,
you know, like --

Squared up,
and it would've been tight.
Yeah. Yeah.

And then
it would've been real.

But he hit me
with a board,

So he might found out
what a board feel like someday.

You, I got
no problems with you.

No, I get it.
You know what I mean?

I just wanted to make sure
that fucking, you know --

It just sucks 'cause now
tomorrow's gonna fucking suck.

Vitetta: He's gonna look like
a fucking kook.

And he's gonna fucking show up
like the way f--

And then in the end,
"we like you guys! I like you!"

What the fuck are you
fucking talking about here?

You fucking tried to do
everything to sabotage us

And now,
"I like you guys!"

Motherfucker, dude,
it's like...

What the fuck are you putting
the fucking end on it?

Motherfuckers.

We're just making sure
we weren't gonna

Get in a fight
tomorrow night.

Come on, johnny!

Get it, homie!

Oh, yeah.

Burnett: I don't think
"king of the road"

Has ever gotten
this personal before.

These guys react to stress
in very different ways, I think.

By this point of the trip,
"king of the road"

Has squeezed
every drop of energy

And life out of them.

Yeah, dude.
You got it, dude.

This is, like,
some weird...

There's energies
that are being reciprocated.

Intensity of the moment
is making clint

Act out in such a way.

♪

I would say tension
is pretty high

Between birdhouse and us,
yeah, for sure.

We kind of hate those guys.

Ah!

We got here, and now toy machine
just got here.

So, what can you do?

Yeah,
and he can do this.

He's the only one
that can do this.

Yeah, no, but he was
sitting on the ledge, too.

He stopped me
from moving, too.

It's, like,
everybody was doing it.

It's not like
it was like --

It's not like we fucked
with them, you know?

Raven, as soon as we walked up,
he sat on the ledge.

And I slide right into him.

So, he walks up
with a knife,

And I'm like, "what the fuck?"

And he, "krch!"
and he turns around,

So I hit him, and he turned.

And he's like, "what the fuck?"
I was like, "what the fuck?"

And then, you know,
I don't know.

It was just fucking stupid.

Shitty situation.
I fucking hate this shit.

Tershy: I'm not gonna
go out of my way --

Well, we all
just want to skate.

I'm not gonna go out of my way
to fuck him up.
All right, cool.

But if he comes up and tries
to fucking talk to me,

Then it's --
you know what I mean?

I ain't gonna come up
to him, either.

Let's just
fucking skate.
Serious.

I can't fucking do this.
Someone has to do it,

So let's let it
fucking happen.

Let's just fucking
keep it mellow here.

And then after,
whatever.
Cameras?

We don't want to do this
around cameras.

Yeah, but who gives a shit
about the camera or not?

It has to be, like,
above, like,

The fucking cameras,
this shit, dude.

He touched a person twice.
That's the thing.

And, like, look at johnny jones,
19 years old,

The most sweet
on this earth.

Yeah. I get that.
Yeah.

On elijah, he would
never have done it, that.

On elijah, he would never
have tried to do that.

He's insane, dude.

I just hope someone just calls
the cops on this session

So we all get the fuck
out of here, straight up.

Fuck!

Ah, dude,
it's not even worth it.

It's so far, dude, like,
I could be here fucking an hour

And not even get close.

Later, guys.
All: Night.

♪

No more fooling around.

It's down to the wire.
Now's the time.

If you have a trick,
you got to do it.

This is it.

We just have a few challenges
left that we really want to get.

So, trying our asses
off to get them.

Let's do this.

Fuck!

I am okay! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Trying.

Burnett: New for this year, too,
we've got ringers.

If there's a trick
nobody can do,

Every team gets one guy
they can call in for one trick.

Holy shit, mike!

Whoo!

Yes!

Man: Yeah!

Dude,
I'm so proud of you.

That was fucking...
So sick, man.

150 points, baby.

You get to write it
down in the book.

Hell yeah.
Congrats.

It looked so good.

Jaw daddy just darkslid
a goddamn handrail.

Fuck.

I love you so much!
I love you too, dude!

Just fucking pour it
in there, dude.

Dude, this is
fucking terrible.

Sinclair: This is our last full
day of trying to get tricks.

We've lined up
all the stuff and postponed.

I'm gonna pick up
elijah right now.

Today is
the last and final day.

We meet at 8:00
at the finish line.

So, we're trying to,
like, scrape up

Any points we can get right now.

'sup, boys?
'sup, dog?

Smyth: What up?
What's up, brother.

What's up, dude?
I missed you guys.

Have you just been, like,
locked into the couch situation?

Yesterday was pretty bad.
Yeah. Got stir crazy?

No, but,
like, pain-wise.

Oh, crap.
Yeah.

That shit hurt, huh?

Boys.
What's up, brother?

♪

Man:
Security guard is here.

It's like 108 degrees,
last I heard.

Sinclair:
Today's the final day.

We got about 9 hours left
till the finish line.

We're gonna get the haircuts.

Welcome to the salon.

It's so funny.
Look at him.

Do I look amazing
or what?

Gonna decorate the van.

The van decoration is,
uh, kind of an idea

We all came up
with collectively.

We redid the birdhouse logo.

So this is gonna be
the birdhouse van

At the finish line
instead of the toy machine van.

We're gonna get some
college football gear,

And we're gonna come in hot.

No way.

You're kidding me,
dude.

Lutheran:
I don't know clint the best.

He's always been so cool to me,
so respectful and stuff.

But I think he runs
on that level where it's,

Like, kind of...

I'm not gonna use
the j-word.

But he's in
the sports arena, you know?

He's ready to get it.
He's a gladiator.

He's in the coliseum, baby.

So, for the finish line,

We asked that every team
do a van makeover.

Basically, decorate your van
however you want.

♪

What started out as
a modest affair has turned into

A major production
for some of these teams.

So, like, lift up
your end a little bit.

Last year,
birdhouse went bananas.

An entire crucifixion scene
on wheels, possibly blasphemous.

We've had hearses,
short buses,

A strip club on wheels.

When they pull across
the finish line, it's like --

It's one of my favorite parts.

Hey, what's
the rule on this?

Aren't you guys supposed to
be doing all the work?

That's why I'm trying to get
in here with you guys.

Get in here.
Pull the vinyl.

Totally did
all of this.

Chocolate has done some really
good van decorating in the past.

But I heard clint say
that he's been making plans

For his van decoration all year,
so whatever it is,

It's gonna be over the top.

And one of
our challenges

Is we have to bring back
horse crap.

That's a piece of cake.

There we go.
Look at that.
It's all yours.

There we go, guys.

That is some good-good.

I know a guy who knows a guy
who sells horse shit.

So, uh,
he's setting us up.

Oh, we're hooked up now, dude.
That is a lot.

Thank you so much.

Good luck
on your scavenger hunt.

Thank you very much.

Smear some water on there.
Keep her moist until go-time.

That's horse shit.

It's x.L.,
and it still don't fit.

I'm all lined up.

Got the new, uh,
birdhouse logo just right.

Put the dick
in between the --

Yeah. His dick
goes up in there.

Looks legit, right?

The birdhouse team
has never looked so good.

You guys ready?
All right.
Yep.

So, just...Make a huddle
right here above me.

Damn, joe.

Oh, perfect.

Here's the --

We were missing
one challenge.

One challenge.
One challenge.

One of these guys
has to make out

With a lady over 50.

One quick make-out,
1, 2 seconds long.

Who that?
Who's going to?

Daniel!

Right here, miss.
Right here, miss.

End of the road, dude.
End of the road kiss.

Fuck you, birdhouse.

♪

It is...7:56.

So, think there'll be
a rumbling of a team

Coming through sometime soon.

This is the end of the road.
Everyone's beat.

And then they got to
totally change gears

And make this insane,

Basically a parade float
out of their van.

It's so funny. It's so funny
to see those things pull up.

This is the, um...

Worst haircut,
and then we got horse shit.

Shit logs!
We got horse poop,

And I'm about
to put it in my hair.

All: Oh!

Man: Manginas!

Shit head!

Mvps.

Dude, horses eat
a lot of grass.

Here they come.

Man:
Holy shit, birdhouse!

All right, let's do it!
Let's do it!

♪ hallelujah! Hallelujah

Burnett: A vagina on wheels?

I think it's giving birth.

♪ hallelujah! Hallelujah

It looks like
they're being born.

They're being born.

Did the mother have a piercing?

This is the butthole!

This is going on
for way too long already.

Waah!

It's an ass birth!

Oh, it came out
the butthole!

That was amazing.

Aah!

He's got doo-doo on him.

How's it smell?
It smells like shit!

Man:
What'd you think about that?

That was amazing.

If sinclair's
not covered in doo-doo,

It's gonna be
hard to beat.

Yeah.

oh, shit!
A fucking taco!

Yeah!

Whoo!

Roy: Meals on wheels.
Flaco's tacos.

Ole!

Burnett: Fuck, yeah.

You got the shirts
and everything?

Yeah.
Fuck, yeah.

Can I get a hug?
Can I get a hug?

Yeah.

Am I allowed? For real,
am I not allowed to eat?

Yeah, fuck, no.

All right, well,
then we're not gonna eat.

Hey, everybody,
toy machine, come on up.

Toy machine is not here.

Not happy, but I'm not
getting any food.

Roy: I love that birdhouse
logo on the van.

Yeah! Yeah!

Dude, that is insane.
That's amazing!

I think
we got the jocks!

That is amazing, dude.
That is fucking incredible.

What's up, playa?

That is the best
right there.

That's actually
really fucking tight.

Sinclair:
We fucking had a good time.

We spent $1,000
at goddamn sport chalet.

Roy: Congratulations.
You guys are true road warriors.

You guys blazed around.

pretty fucking sick.

That's right.

Okay, you guys survived.

It's time
to hand over those books.

Birdhouse, give me the book.

Who's got the book?

Put a couple $100 bills
in there for him.

Right now,
I need that book.

Sad to see the book go
that's been running my life

For the past 2 weeks.

That book right in there.

Got it!

And so, now this is where we
really get down to brass tacks.

Thrasher takes all the footage,
we pour through it,

"did that count?
Didn't it count?"

This is where we decide

Who wins all the highest,
longest, mosts.

Can I get the book please?
Can I get the fucking book?

♪

Lock down.
We got them.

You guys fucking rip!

Everybody, we will see you
at the finale.

Whoo!

Party time! Get some!

Hey, buddy!

Whoo!

It's over.

Fucking thank god it's over.

Thank god.

Dude, it was so epic.

I can't even --
words can't describe it.

You always feel
pretty beaten up

At the end of kotr
no matter what.

I feel like I could
sleep for three days.

Man:
How do you think you did?

At least top three,
for sure.

We did really good,
but we could've got last place,

Or we could've got first.
But we did good.

We just powered through it.

Everybody did what they had
to do, uh, except for me.

It's kind of like mixed --
mixed feelings.

Like, you're stoked to go home.

And you're stoked it's over
'cause you're worn out and hurt.

But it's so rad,

You just never want it
to end, in a sense.

three peat! Three peat!

The more you do it,
the more you can appreciate it.

It's like, uh,
when you're doing it, it's --

It's not the funnest.

Ohh.

But you look back on it,

And then you, like,
wish you were doing it.

I'm glad. I'm glad.
I'd do it again for sure.

Good night and suck it!

On the next
"king of the road"...

Tonight,
we find out everything.

Let's get him!

Man: Oh shit!

Nicest gnar-gnar award.

"where the fuck
is demusca" award?

Hall of me.

And the winner
of "king of the road" is...

Check!