King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 4, Episode 8 - Not in My Back Hoe - full transcript

( horns honking )

( honking continues )

( brakes screech )

YEAH! ( chuckles )

( cheering and laughing )

Bill:
DALE JUST WON
BY A HAIR.

SHE IS POWER...

ENORMOUS
YELLOW POWER.

I FEEL LIKE MY WHOLE LIFE'S
BEEN LEADING TO THIS DAY.

SO, LET'S SEE HOW YOU GUYS DID.

Bill:
IT'S THE BIGGEST SEPTIC TANK
THEY HAD.



THEY SOLD ONE JUST LIKE IT
TO A BOWLING ALLEY IN AUSTIN.

GUY TRIED TO PUT US
IN A LITTLE HOME UNIT.

I TOLD HIM, "YOU
DON'T KNOW BILL."

YEAH, THAT'S
WHAT HE SAID.

Hank:
IT'S A SHAME WE HAVE TO
PUT HER IN THE GROUND.

( sighing ):
I SHOULD'VE HIT THE OLD TANK
BY NOW, BILL.

ARE YOU SURE
YOU SURVEYED IT PRECISELY?

UH... SURE.

I MEAN, TH-THAT'S
MY RECOLLECTION, MM-HMM.

( sighs )

OH, THERE--
THAT'S WHERE IT IS.

( chuckling ):
MY MISTAKE.

SORRY.

MAYBE THE TANK'S IN THE FRONT.



I DON'T KNOW.

( sighs )

YOU JUST KILLED YOUR
WHOLE BACK LAWN...

A PERFECTLY
INNOCENT LAWN.

OKAY, BIG SHOT,
WHERE'S YOUR TANK?

SIDE LAWN, EIGHT FEET OUT

NINE FEET SEVEN INCHES
FROM THE PAVEMENT.

"SIDE LAWN."

MINE'S ON THE SIDE LAWN,
TOO.

( Hank sighs )

BILL, YOU CAN'T
JUST MARK IT

WHERE YOU THINK
IT MIGHT BE.

THAT'S NOT REAL MARKING.

THE FLAG IS IN.

Dale:
I AM THE HOE MASTER.

HEAR ME HOE.

DALE, NO!

( Dale screams )

OH!

HANK?

HANK, YOU WERE RIGHT
ABOUT IT BEING COMPLICATED

BUT WRONG TO MAKE ME WANT
TO TRY IT SO BADLY.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO BUY THE "L" PIPES
FOR YOUR SEPTIC TANK.

ROAD TRIP.

YOU'RE STAYING HERE.

CAN I COME?

NO.

I'LL STAY
IN THE TRUCK.

AW, HE'S RIGHT.

I NEVER WOULD'VE
STAYED IN THE TRUCK.

NO, THAT'S A
STRAIGHT PIPE.

I'M LOOKING FOR
AN "L" PIPE.

Ls ARE STRAIGHT.

( sighing):
LOWERCASE,
MAYBE, BUT...

OKAY, FINE.
I'M LOOKING FOR
A CAPITAL-L PIPE.

IT BENDS, AT
A RIGHT ANGLE.

PIPES DON'T BEND.

ALL PIPES ARE STRAIGHT.

ALL PIPES CAN'T BE STRAIGHT.

IF THEY WERE, YOUR
DEPARTMENT STORE

WOULDN'T BE SELLING
THOSE "U" PIPES

RIGHT BEHIND
YOUR SHOULDER.

THOSE AREN'T PIPES.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
THERE IS MORE
THAN ONE SIZE BIT.

A "PLUMBING ASSOCIATE"
THEY'RE DIFFERENT-
SIZE HOLES.

AND YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT A PIPE IS?

Man:
WHAT THE...?

STUPID, DUMB...

NICE TRUCK.

DOES THE JOB...

THEN SOME.

DID YOU GET THE RECALL
NOTICE ABOUT THE BELTS?

BACK IN '94?

YEP.

GOT IT.

SO... PICK UP SOME KIND
OF "L" PIPE?

YEP, TWO-AND-
A-QUARTER INCH.

SEPTIC?

( chuckles ):
YEAH.

IT'S MY NEIGHBOR'S.

WE RENTED A
LOADER BACKHOE

FOR THE JOB.

I HEAR MASON'S GOT
A NEW DESIGN.

THAT'S WHAT
I RENTED.

WELL... THEN,
I WON'T KEEP YOU.

Luanne:
SO, THEN,
MY PROFESSOR SAYS

TO ME THAT I HAVE THE
GREATEST POTENTIAL

OF ANY JUNIOR COLLEGE
STUDENT THAT HE'S EVER SEEN

AND, THEN, HE ASKED ME TO DINNER

TO TALK ABOUT IT SOME MORE...
AND DRINKS!

( laughs giddily )

DINNER AND DRINKS?

LUANNE...

HONEY, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
SMILING ABOUT?

OH, WELL...
( chuckles )

I MET A GUY.

UH-HUH?

YEAH, AT THE MEGA LO MART.

WE HAVE THE SAME TRUCK,
SAME YEAR, SAME COLOR.

SMART GUY, TOO.

HE KNEW
WHAT AN "L" PIPE WAS FOR.

IT WAS NICE.

ARE YOU GOING TO SEE HIM AGAIN?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW, IT WAS
JUST A ONE-TIME THING

WITH A GUY IN A PARKING LOT.

YOU KNOW,
THAT'S ALL.

HEY... L-PIPE,
HOW YOU DOING?

YOU, UH, FILLING UP
WITH SUPER?

REGULAR.

JUST KIDDING.

OH.

( laughing )

( sighs uneasily )

HEY, UH...

YOU GOT SOMEPLACE
YOU NEED TO BE OR...

MAYBE YOU WANT TO...
GRAB A BEER?

IMPORTED?

WHAT?!

N-NO, NO, DOMES...

( laughing ):
OH...

( laughing )

"IMPORTED."

( chuckling )

I GOT TO WATCH YOU.

( country-blues on juke box )

YOU KNOW, PEGGY,
WE'RE HAVING THE BEST TIME.

NO, WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT THAT.

NO, HE DIDN'T MENTION IT.

THAT DIDN'T COME UP, EITHER.

LOOK, I'LL BE HOME LATER.

Man:
* Well, listen to me, doll *

♪ Before you start to whine ♪

♪ That side's yours
and this side's mine ♪

♪ Move it on over ♪♪

Dale:
MORE...

MORE...

MORE...

IS IT OPEN?

ALMOST.
TRY AGAIN.

WH-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GET OUTTA THERE.

( sighs )

DID YOU STOP TO THINK THAT
MAYBE THE BACKHOE WASN'T

THE BEST TOOL FOR
OPENING UP A BEER CAN?

YEAH, HANK, I DID.

THAT... OH!

MAN.

HANK DID IT.

( sighs )

WHAT WOULD
YOU GUYS THINK

IF SOMEONE HAD A BEER
WITH US OUT HERE?

LIKE SOMEONE JUST WANDERS
OVER, LIKE A STRANGER?

NO, NO,
THIS GUY I KNOW.

GOOD GUY.

IT'S A BIG ALLEY.

BOY, HANK SURE
DOES SEEM EXCITED.

HAL, THIS IS DALE,
BILL AND BOOMHAUER.

HEY, FELLAS.

YO.

SAY, LOOK, UH...

HANK TOLD ME
ABOUT YOUR SITUATION

AND I WAS THINKING YOU COULD
JUST USE A METAL DETECTOR...

TRACE THE PIPES
BACK TO YOUR TANK.

( laughing )

"A METAL DETECTOR"?

THE DETECTOR
WOULD GO OFF CONSTANTLY

DUE TO THE HIGH LEVELS

OF EXTRATERRESTRIAL ALLOY
IN OUR SOIL

WHICH ACTS AS A HOMING BEACON
TO THE MARTIAN CAPITAL

OF ( rolls tongue)
( spitting ) ( gulps ) CITY.

( laughing uneasily )

YEAH, YEAH...

THAT'S A GOOD JOKE, DALE.

DALE SURE CAN TELL A JOKE.

HEY, YOU KNOW, ON THE WAY OVER

I PASSED THIS HUGE TRACKHOE--
14-TONNER.

WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE GO CHECK HER OUT?

SORRY, BUT WE'VE GOT BUSINESS
TO TRANSACT.

I'LL GO.

HANK'S GOING
TO COME BACK...

NOW.

NOPE.

NOW.

NOPE.

THIS IS DANG
OLD PATHETIC.

DON'T WE GOT BETTER
THINGS TO DO

THAN SITTING AROUND
ON THAT DANG OLD ( word )

TALKING ABOUT OLD
( speaking gibberish )?

LATER.

I'M SURPRISED BOOMHAUER STAYED
AS LONG AS HE DID.

ALL RIGHT, THEN.

YEP.

( clattering )

( groans )

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

OH... SO YOU CARE
WHAT WE'RE DOING, DO YOU?

HE DOESN'T CARE.

YOU SAID
YOU'D BE BACK

IN A MINUTE.

WE WAITED
A MINUTE.

THEN, WE WAITED ANOTHER.

AND, THEN,
AFTER ABOUT A MILLION MINUTES...

I FORGOT WHY I WAS COUNTING.

WELL, WHAT'S
THE BIG DEAL?

YOU DON'T GET UPSET
WHEN I COME HOME LATE FROM WORK.

ONE, WE GET VERY UPSET
WHEN YOU WORK LATE

AND, TWO,
YOU WERE OUT WITH HIM.

DIDN'T YOU THINK
PEGGY MIGHT BE WORRIED

YOU BEING
GONE SO LONG?

I CALLED HER.

YEAH, WELL...

WE'RE BEING PHASED OUT.

OUT.

HA!
OW!

DO NOT WATCH THE EYES,
BOBBY.

THE EYES CANNOT
BE TRUSTED.

"FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU.

FOOL ME TWI..."

( slap )
OW!

HEY, PEGGY.

HAL JUST TOOK ME
TO THIS STORE

THAT ONLY SELLS
FIREPLACE HARDWARE.

"FIREPLACE HARDWARE"?

BOOMHAUER MUST'VE BEEN
IN HOG HEAVEN.

UH... YEAH

WELL, I DIDN'T REALLY
INVITE BOOMHAUER...

OR BILL OR... DALE,
FOR THAT MATTER.

MOM!

WHAT?

PART OF THE FUN
WITH HAL IS

DOING NEW STUFF
WITH SOMEONE NEW

AND IF THE GUYS CAN'T
HANDLE THAT, WELL...

THAT'S WHY I
DON'T TELL THEM.

HANK.

HAL.

SO, WHERE'S THAT
BAIT-AND-TACKLE SHOP

YOU WON'T
SHUT UP ABOUT?

FALSE ALARM, HANK.
WENT LAST NIGHT.

THEY DIDN'T KNOW A FLOATER
FROM A SINKER.

NOW, YOU WANT
TO SEE A GREAT NEW STORE

MAKE A LEFT AT THE LIGHT,
THEN OUT TO McMAINERBERRY--

SPORT SHOP THAT SPINS AROUND.

USED TO BE
A RESTAURANT.

HMM.

10:15-- HANK
PICKS UP HAL.

WHAT?

Dale:
10:15-- Hank picks up Hal.

Bill:
What?

I SAID,
"10:15-- HANK PICKS UP HAL"!

( gasps )
HANK AND HAL, I SEE.

SO, THIS GUY IS TRYING
TO FILL A SERVICE TANK...

UH-HUH?

AND THE DRIP-LIP VENT IS
IN THE 6:00 POSITION.

INSTEAD OF 12:00?

EXACTLY.

YOU SURE YOU NEVER
WORKED IN PROPANE?

HOBBY,
THAT'S ALL.

Dale:
I'M LOSING HIM...

SLOWLY.

♪ ...AND THE NIGHT GOT
DEATHLY QUIET... ♪

Both:
* AND HIS FACE LOST
ALL EXPRESSION *

♪ SAID, "IF YOU'RE GONNA PLAY
THE GAME, BOY ♪

♪ "You gotta learn
to play it right... ♪

♪ "YOU GOT TO KNOW
WHEN TO HOLD 'EM... ♪

♪ WHEN TO HOLD 'EM..." ♪

♪ I WAS A HIGHWAYMAN ♪

♪ ALONG THE COACH ROADS
I DID RIDE ♪

♪ WITH SWORD AND PISTOL
BY MY SIDE... ♪

SING IT, BROTHER.

( groans )

HEY, WHA...?
WHAT'S THAT?

THERE! THERE!
OVER THERE!

Dale:
HEY.

DALE. BILL.

DALE. BILL.

BOY, I TELL YA

YOUR TANK'S AS BIG
AS A SCHOOL BUS.

LAID IN PRETTY
NICELY, ALL THE SAME.

ALL I SEE
IS TRESPASSING.

HANK?

HAL?

THAT WAS OUR PROJECT.

YOU SHOULD BE
THANKING ME.

HAL WORKED

THAT BACKHOE SO FAST

WE'RE GOING TO SAVE
A COUPLE DAYS' RENTAL.

YEAH, AND WITH
THE MONEY YOU SAVE

YOU CAN BUY
YOUR FRIEND HAL

A DOZEN ROSES.

NOW YOU'RE BUYING
HIM ROSES?

THAT'S IT, HANK.

IT'S US OR HIM.

YOU CAN'T MAKE ME CHOOSE.

US OR HIM?

ALL RIGHT, HIM.

"HIM" MEANS HAL, YOU KNOW.

THAT'S THE WAY
WE PHRASED THE QUESTION.

YOU, UH, THINK
WE WENT WRONG

MAKING HIM CHOOSE?

WHERE WE WENT WRONG

IS NOT STAYING
WITH THAT BACKHOE.

WHOEVER CONTROLS THE
BACKHOE CONTROLS HANK.

YOU THINK?

YES, I DO THINK.

AS LONG AS WE'RE--
FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD--

"INCOMPETENT" WITH THE BACKHOE,
WE WILL BE HANKLESS.

I KNOW A PLACE
WE CAN PRACTICE.

THE ARMY'S GOT
AN OLD MINE FIELD.

NO ONE'S EVER THERE.

DON'T BE INSANE, BILL.

WE'LL NEVER GET
PAST SECURITY.

BUT I KNOW AN
ABANDONED PET CEMETERY

WITH OUR NAMES ON IT.

NICE HOLE, BILL.

THANK YOU.

MAY I?

PLEASE.

Dale:
NICKEL SAYS I CAN PICK
THAT DANDELION OVER THERE

BRING IT BACK HERE

BLOW ON IT,
AND MAKE A WISH.

Dale:
COME ON!

Bill:
COME ON, HONEY PIE!

COME ON, BABY.

COME ON, SWEETIE.
COME ON, BABY.

BILL, SHIFT YOUR WEIGHT.

LEAN FORWARD.
ALL RIGHT.

( men grunting )

( men screaming )

MAYBE WE COULD, UH

HOLD ON TO THAT
TREE BRANCH

AND SWING OUT
OF THE HOLE

LIKE A MONKEY
IN THE JUNGLE.

( screaming )

HELP!

( coughing )

SOMEONE...!

HELP!

AH, FORGET IT.

NO ONE CAN HEAR US

OR IF THEY CAN,
THEY DON'T CARE.

YOU'RE LUCKY.

YOU'RE IN THE ARMY.

YOU'VE GOT A TRACKING DEVICE
IN YOUR TEETH.

THEY'LL FIND YOU.

I'LL TELL THEM
WHERE YOU ARE.

YOU'RE GOOD PEOPLE.

HAL, IT'S HANK.

BEER?

SURE.

UH, WELL, NO,
THAT WON'T WORK.

MY WIFE WILL HAVE DINNER
READY IN AN HOUR

AND YOU'RE OVER
20 MINUTES AWAY.

YEAH. NEXT TIME.

( sighing )

SO, BOBBY

YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN A WHILE

SINCE WE'VE HAD
A SHOESHINE PARTY.

I'LL GET MY BOX!

HANK, YOU DON'T REALLY WANT
TO WATCH BOBBY SHINE YOUR SHOES.

HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO
OUT INTO THE ALLEY

AND HAVE A BEER WITH THE GUYS?

UH, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT BOBBY?

WELL, IT IS SPA-PEGGY
AND MEATBALLS NIGHT.

YOU DO NOT HAVE
TO WORRY ABOUT BOBBY.

BOOMHAUER.

( mumbling ):
HELLO, HANK.

YEP.

YEP.

USED TO BE
A LOT MORE LIVELY AROUND HERE.

YEP.

SO, UH...

GOT ANY BIG DATES?

MAN, THEY DONE
LEAVE ME ALONE, MAN.

I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT
THEM OLE QUESTIONS.

MAN, ALL THEM QUESTIONS,
QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS.

MAN, NOTHING LIKE
MY DANG OLE MOTHER.

MAN, OH, "BOOMER, WHEN
YOU GON' GET MARRIED

MAKE ME A GRANDMOTHER?"

NO, NO, THEY DON'T, MAN.

( panting )

AN EXTERMINATOR
IN A PET CEMETERY.

I HAVE MANY ENEMIES HERE.

( sobbing )

Hal:
TOOK ME ABOUT
17 MINUTES

TO GET HERE.

HUH.

TOOK ME... 18.

MAYBE TOMORROW
WE CAN MEET, UH...

I DON'T KNOW, UH,
THAT EXXON OVER THERE.

THAT OUGHT TO EVEN THINGS OUT.

UH, MAN, I DON'T KNOW.

I ONLY GET A 45-MINUTE
LUNCH HOUR.

LET'S TRY GETTING TOGETHER
TONIGHT.

AHH... I DON'T KNOW.

BY THE TIME I GET HOME
FROM STRICKLAND PROPANE

AND COME DOWN FROM THE DAY...

LET'S SHOOT FOR
NEXT SATURDAY.

YEAH, YEAH.

OH! NO.

SATURDAY'S BOBBY'S
FOOTBALL GAME

AND HE REALLY LIKES ME
TO WATCH IT WITH HIM.

HMM.

HMM.

HUH.

GUESS THIS IS IT, THEN.

YEAH.

WELL... YOU TAKE CARE
OF THAT TRUCK OF YOURS.

♪ You got to know
when to hold 'em... ♪

( sighing )

I'M GOING TO MISS
THAT CRAZY BASTARD.

( squawking )

WE INVESTED
ALL THAT TIME

AND EFFORT MAYBE
IN HANK

AND HE HAS FORSAKEN US.

WELL, EVERYTHING FORSAKES ME.

I MEAN, SOMETIMES I,
I THINK I SHOULD JUST...

STOP PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE.

WE DON'T NEED HANK.

WE ARE TWO BETA MALES
AT THE TOP OF OUR GAME!

AND YOU DIDN'T MENTION
THAT WE'RE LOVABLE

AND THAT I'VE GOT
A LOT OF LOVE TO GIVE.

I KNOW!

HOW'S THE MARKET
BEEN TREATING YOU, SIR?

I TOOK A PRETTY BIG HIT TODAY.

I GOT WORRIES.

( knock at door )

WHERE'S MY BACKHOE, HANK?

HEY. HOW ARE YOU?

YOU WANT TO HAVE A BEER?

I WANT MY BACKHOE.

IT WASN'T RETURNED
BY DALE GRIBBLE
OR BILL DAUTERIVE?

NO.

I SAW THEM DRIVE OFF

ON JOYRIDE WITH BACKHOE.

YOU MEAN, THEY MISSING?

MINH. YEAH, HEY, MINH.

TWO DOWN, TWO TO GO!

HUH?

THERE'S GOT TO BE

SOMETHING TO EAT
IN THAT BOX.

( chuckles ):
WHAT...?

LOOKS LIKE A FUN PROJECT.

( both groan )

IT IS NONE
OF YOUR BUSINESS.

WE WERE JUST ON
OUR LUNCH BREAK

WHICH IS OVER

SO, IF YOU DO NOT MIND

WE WILL BE GETTING
BACK TO WORK.

Bill:
YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

DID YOU SEE IT MOVE?

ALL RIGHT. WELL,
I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR HAIR.

BUT BEFORE I GO,
I AM CURIOUS.

WHAT'S THE BEST WAY
OF DRIVING OUT

OF THAT HOLE?

I MEAN, YOU GUYS
HAVE MORE EXPERIENCE

WITH THIS MACHINE THAN ME.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WOULD IT BE BETTER

TO WIDEN THE HOLE
BEYOND THE TREE

THEN EXTEND THE BOOM,
PLANT THE BUCKET

LET OUT THE OUTRIGGERS

THEN RELEASE AND
REPLANT THE BUCKET...?

WAIT, WAIT, WE'LL...

WE'LL HUMOR
YOUR LITTLE EXPERIMENT

BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO SLOW DOWN.

ON YOUR LEFT THERE, PULL
THE EXTENDER AS FAR BACK...

LEFT, IS IT?

YEAH, THE LEVER CLOSEST TO ME.

TAKE THAT IN YOUR HAND.

GOOD.

( both groaning )

MY LEGS.

WELL, YOU HAVEN'T MOVED
IN ABOUT 50 HOURS.

THANKS, BUT NO THANKS,
HAL'S FRIEND.

WHERE IS HAL?

HUH, HANK?

HAL'S GONE.

YEP.

ALL RIGHT,
LET'S GO.

YOU THINK
YOU CAN IGNORE ME

FOR TWO DAYS AND THEN
ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED?

ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
YOU GUYS ARE SOMETHING

HAL WILL NEVER BE--
MY NEIGHBORS.

APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

Bill:
FRIENDSHIP IS
OUR COUNTRY'S SWEETEST WINE.

Hank:
ALL RIGHT,
YOU'RE VERY DELIRIOUS.

SO, I WAS THINKING,
ON THE BACKHOE RENTAL

YOUR FRIEND HAL
SHOULD CHIP IN.

I MEAN, HE USED IT, TOO.

Hank:
I CAN PUT YOU
BACK IN THE GROUND.

( Dale gurgling )

( spits, gulps )