King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 4, Episode 6 - A Beer Can Named Desire - full transcript

Hank is given the chance to win a million dollars after winning an Alamo Beer contest. All he must do is throw a football through a one-foot hole into a Giant Alamo beer can. Or he can let ...

DID YOU WIN?

"SORRY-- PLEASE DRINK
ANOTHER BEER."

THAT'S WHAT I CALL LOSING
THE BATTLE BUT WINNING THE WAR.

HURRY UP, HANK,
FINISH YOUR BEER.

IT COULD BE THE WINNING
ALAMO BEER CAN!

BILL, THE ODDS OF WINNING THAT
CONTEST ARE ONE IN A MILLION.

YEAH, IF YOU ONLY DRINK
ONE BEER.

( guzzling )

AH.

( slurping )

AH.



IMAGINE, HANK,
A TRIP TO NEW ORLEANS.

A CHANCE TO MEET
"DANDY" DON MEREDITH

AND WIN ONE OF THOSE REALLY BIG
CARDBOARD CHECKS.

"SORRY. PLEASE DRINK
ANOTHER BEER."

WELL, THEY ASKED NICELY.

"SORRY. PLEASE DRINK
ANOTHER BEER."

( belching )

THAT MADE SOME ROOM.

WELL, I THINK I'M GOING
TO CALL IT A NIGHT.

POUR IT ON THE GROUND--
SEE IF YOU WON.

I HAVE NEVER
POURED OUT BEER...

EVEN TO PUT OUT
A GRASS FIRE.

HI, UNCLE HANK.

LUANNE.



( joyful screaming )

FIRST OF ALL...

YOU DIDN'T WIN
ANYTHING.

UH-UH. I WON A MILLION DOLLARS.

NO, THE CONTEST GIVES
THE WINNER THE RIGHT

TO GO TO THE DALLAS COWBOYS-
NEW ORLEANS SAINT GAME

AND THROW A FOOTBALL

THROUGH A SMALL HOLE
IN A LARGE BEER CAN

FOR A MILLION DOLLARS

OR HAVE DALLAS COWBOYS LEGEND
DON MEREDITH THROW IT

TO WIN $100,000.

IF YOU'D READ
THE POINT OF PURCHASE DISPLAY

AT 7-ELEVEN, YOU'D KNOW THAT.

OKAY, SO I THROW THE BALL
THROUGH THE HOLE

AND THEN I WIN.

NO. I PAID FOR THAT BEER,
SO IT'S MINE.

LET'S JUST SAY
IT IS YOUR BEER.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

19 1/2.

EXACTLY.

IF YOU TRIED TO CLAIM YOUR
PRIZE, YOU'D BE INCARCERATED

FOR UNDERAGE DRINKING.

SO IF IT'S YOUR BEER,
YOU'D GET TO GO TO JAIL.

NOW, IF IT'S MY BEER, YOU GET
TO COME TO NEW ORLEANS WITH US.

YOUR CALL.

NEW ORLEANS!

SO, HANK, WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO DO WITH THE HUNDRED THOU?

'COURSE, YOU COULD GO
FOR THE MILLION DOLLARS.

( laughing )

( laughing )
( laughing )

YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK
A CIVILIAN'S EVER MADE IT.

A TEN-YARD PASS
THROUGH A ONE-FOOT HOLE...

PEOPLE SCREAMING
IN THE STANDS...

THANK GOD FOR
DON MEREDITH.

THANK YOU, GOD.

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE
PAYING US $100,000

TO MEET DON MEREDITH.

SOMETHING I WOULD HAVE
DONE FOR FREE.

THAT MONEY COULD PAY FOR
BOBBY'S COLLEGE

AND A MINI-FRIDGE
FOR HIS DORM ROOM.

YEAH. YOU KNOW

WE COULD BUY
ALL SORTS OF HIGHER EDUCATION

AND APPLIANCES WITH, UH...
A MILLION DOLLARS.

WHAT? ARE YOU REALLY THINKING
OF TAKING THAT THROW YOURSELF?

UH, WHAT WOULD YOU THINK
IF I WAS THINKING THAT?

HANK, HONEY, IF YOU ARE WILLING

TO GIVE UP A SURE THING
AND GO FOR THE MILLION

WELL, YOU'VE GOT
MORE FRIJOLES

THAN ANY MAN
I'VE EVER KNOWN.

WHAT YOU DOIN', HANK?

UH... I'M JUST SEEING
WHAT IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE

FOR DON MEREDITH
AT THE SUPERDOME.

HOW ABOUT
I COME WITH?

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO EAT FRIED DOUGH

IN THE MOST CORRUPT
CITY ON EARTH.

UH... THAT'S NICE AND ALL,
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BOTHER.

IT'S NO BOTHER.

YOU CAN DRIVE US, AND WE'LL
STAY IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM.

UH, WELL...

I GUESS WE COULD...

WINGO, MAN!

WE'RE GOING TO
NEW ORLEANS!

HEY, YOU KNOW,
I'LL COME WITH, TOO.

THE DAUTERIVES
ARE FROM LOUISIANA.

I LIVED IN THE BAYOU
TILL I WAS SIX YEARS OLD!

MY AUNT ESME STILL LIVES THERE.

YOU THINK WE CAN LOOK HER UP?

UH, DANG IT, I KNOW WE CAN.

I PLANNED OUT THE ROUTE
TO NEW ORLEANS VERY CAREFULLY.

THERE IS PLENTY OF TIME
FOR A SIDE TRIP.

BILL, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU GREW UP IN CAJUN COUNTRY

AND I DON'T CARE.

HMM.

AND HOW IS MY MAN
WITH THE GOLDEN ARM?

CALL THE BANK, MAKE SURE
THEY HAVE ROOM IN OUR ACCOUNT

FOR $1 MILLION.

YOU'RE GOING TO GO
FOR IT?!

OH, HANK!

YEAH.

WELL, I MADE 42 OUT OF 50.

WOULD HAVE MADE 43

BUT I USED A THROW
TO DROP A BLUE JAY AT 20 FEET

BEFORE HE COULD POOP
ON YOUR CAR.

YOU'RE THAT GOOD?

MM-HMM.

I GUESS YOU COULD SAY
MY AIM IS DEADLY.

( laughing )

THAT BLUE JAY'S FINE,
THOUGH.

( speaking Creole )

( speaking Creole )

( laughing )

THEY'RE SPEAKING
SOME KIND OF FRENCH.

LET ME HANDLE THIS.

I SPEAK SPANISH--
IT'S THE SAME THING.

HEY, SENOR.

( stilted pronunciation):
DIGAME LA DIRECCIONES A LA
CASA DE LOS DAUTERIVES, POR
FAVOR.

( whispering ):
HE WANTS A TIP.

JE M'APPEL...

( speaking Creole )

Peggy:
BILL, I HAD NO IDEA

THAT YOU SPOKE CAJUN.

PERHAPS THAT'S
BECAUSE I...

I TRY NOT TO ASK YOU
QUESTIONS.

WELL, I HAD NO IDEA,
EITHER.

VOILA! ICI! ICI!

Hank:
GOOD LORD,
I ALWAYS FIGURED

YOUR FAMILY LIVED
IN A TAR PAPER SHACK.

NOPE.

( speaking Creole )

...WILLIAM.

( speaking Creole )

...HANK, PEGGY,
BOBBY, LUANNE,
DALE...

BOOMHAUER.

WHO ARE YOU?

ANSWERS IN THE FORM
OF ENGLISH, PLEASE.

I AM GILBERT FONTAINE
DE LA TOUR DAUTERIVE...

THE MAN OF THE HOUSE.

DALE GRIBBLE.

I AM ROSE, THE YOUNGEST.

OH...

( muttering )

I AM LILY,
THE YOUNGEST-LOOKING.

( muttering )

YOU'RE TERRIBLE.

I AM VIOLETTA,
THE PRETTY ONE.

YOU ARE A GARDEN
OF WOMEN.

AND YOU ARE
THE WILLIAM

WE'VE HEARD
SO MUCH ABOUT--

THE LAST REMAINING
DAUTERIVE MALE,
OR SHOULD I SAY...

OH, DON'T BOTHER.

OH!

( chuckling ):
YOU KIND OF SNUCK UP
ON ME THERE.

OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A CREEPER.

VIOLETTA SAYS I CREEP LIKE
THE KUDZU VINES

THAT ARE SLOWLY BUT SURELY
STRANGLING OUR DIXIE.

UH-HUH.

WHAT FASCINATING THING
ARE Y'ALL DOING?

UH, I'M GOING TO BE THROWING
AT A TARGET ABOUT YEA BIG

AT THE COWBOY-SAINTS GAME.

IF I MAKE IT,
I WIN A MILLION DOLLARS.

GOLDEN RICHARDS
WAS A DALLAS COWBOY.

YEAH, YEAH, HE CAUGHT
A TOUCHDOWN PASS

IN SUPER BOWL XXII.

HE WAS A BEAUTIFUL MAN.

I KNEW HIM... BRIEFLY.

UH-HUH...

MY HUSBAND
ALPHONSE DAUTERIVE--

WILLIAM'S UNCLE
BY BLOOD.

WHEN DID HE PASS?

OH, HE LINGERS IN A ROOM
IN THE BACK OF THE HOUSE

HANGING ON BY
THE THREAD OF A HOPE

HE'LL SEE THE DAUTERIVE NAME

PASSED ON TO ANOTHER
GENERATION.

DOES WILLIAM HAVE
ANY SONS?

NOPE. BILL IS
UNHAPPILY DIVORCED
AND WITHOUT CHILD.

( sighing )

PITY.

THE DAUTERIVE BLOOD
IS DOWN TO A TRICKLE.

MY TWO SONS AND MY SON-IN-LAW
GIRAC, RENE AND EMERIL

DIED OF ARTERIAL SCLEROSIS
IN THEIR 20s

LEAVING THREE DESPERATE,
CHILDLESS WIDOWS

TO WANDER THIS HOUSE.

THEY ARE STRINGS ON A HARP
STRETCHED FAR TOO TAUT.

IF THEY ARE NOT
STRUMMED SOON...

( chuckling )

WELL, THEY REALLY
NEED TO BE STRUMMED.

THIS IS RIGHT OUT OF
SHAKESPEARE.

THIS IS MY HUSBAND
GIRAC.

THE LOUISIANA DIET
WILL KILL A MAN

AS SURELY AS A SWORD.

UH-HUH. SO, ROSE,
YOU'RE NOT MARRIED?

I'M ALL ALONE
IN THIS WORLD, WILLIAM.

( speaking French )

( gasping )

ROSE? ROSE!

( triangle playing )

OH, HELLO, LILY.

THAT WAS PRETTY!

NOW, WAS THAT A SONG,
OR IS IT SUPPERTIME?

( sighing )

MY LATE HUSBAND RENE AND I
USED TO MAKE MUSIC TOGETHER.

NOW THEY'RE ONLY...
NOTES.

( playing French
cabaret melody )

OH, YOU PLAY BEAUTIFULLY.

I'M SURPRISED
AS YOU ARE.

( gasping )

( wheezing )

ROBERT, A YOUNG
GENTLEMAN LIKE YOU

SHOULD DRESS
FOR DINNER.

WELL, LET'S JUST POKE AROUND
MY OLD CHIFFOROBE

AND FIND YOU SOMETHING SUITABLE.

MY LORD, THIS MUGGY NOVEMBER
WEATHER GIVES ME THE HORRIBLES.

ROBERT, THIS HERE IS VELVET,
NOT VELVETEEN.

A GENTLEMAN MUST LEARN
THE DIFFERENCE.

( Cajun accent ):
MY LORD!

Gilbert:
DINNER, LIKE YOUTH,
WILL BE SERVED.

YO.

Lily:
HELLO.

I PRESENT YOU
YOUNG MASTER ROBERT.

[ Esme ]
LOVELY.

OH, MY GOD.

UH, BOBBY, WHY DON'T YOU
LET ME SIT NEXT TO GILBERT

SO WE CAN, UH,
TALK SPORTS?

SO, UH, GILBERT...

HOW DO THE SAINTS
LOOK THIS YEAR, HUH?

( laughing )

I'M MORE FAMILIAR WITH SINNERS
THAN SAINTS, MY DEAR

AND SINNERS ALWAYS LOOK GOOD.

( chuckling )

( playing
sprightly tune )

( Hank sighs )

GET ME OUT OF HERE.

HONEY, YOU NEED
TO TRY AND RELAX

BEFORE YOUR BIG THROW.

YEAH. YOU KNOW,
I'M NOT SURE

BEING A MILLIONAIRE
IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

BOBBY'S ONLY BEEN
AROUND RICH PEOPLE

FOR A FEW HOURS
AND HE ALREADY LOOKS

LIKE THAT KID
ON THE PAINT CAN.

THERE'S MORE TO IT THAN THAT,
ISN'T THERE?

( sighs )

THIS PLACE, IT...
IT GIVES ME THE CREEPS.

EVERYTHING'S UPSIDE-DOWN.

BILL'S GETTING WOMEN
AND BOBBY, WELL...

I MISSED A BUNCH
OF THROWS TODAY

AND I'M JUST THINKING--

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET
TO THE SUPERDOME

WITH ALL THOSE FANS WATCHING?

DON'T YOU THINK DON MEREDITH
MISSED A FEW PASSES IN PRACTICE?

BUT WHEN THE GAME
WAS ON THE LINE

HE PUT IT RIGHT ON THE MONEY

TO "BULLET" BOB HAYES
AND LANCE "NO PANTS" RENTZEL.

SEE, THAT'S JUST IT.

HE'S THE QUARTERBACK.

I BET IF THE CONTEST
WAS ABOUT SELLING PROPANE

HE'D LET ME DO IT.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

THEN, AFTER WE
GET BACK TO ARLEN

WE'LL PUT THE
MILLION DOLLARS

IN A TRUST FUND SO
IT WON'T RUIN BOBBY

TILL AFTER WE'RE DEAD.

( sighs )

I HATE ZYDECO.

WHERE'S YOUR
BAG, BILL?

I'VE DECIDED TO STAY
FOR A FEW DAYS.

BILL, THOSE WOMEN ARE
TRYING TO SEDUCE YOU.

YOU THINK SO, TOO?

I WAS AFRAID IT WAS JUST ME.

LISTEN TO ME.

TWO OF THESE WOMEN

ARE WIDOWS
OF THE DEAD DAUTERIVE SONS.

THEY'RE ONLY RELATED BY
MARRIAGE, SO THEY ARE IN PLAY

BUT ONE OF THEM IS
YOUR FLESH-AND-BLOOD COUSIN.

SHE IS YOUR TICKET TO HELL.

OH, MY GOD.
WHICH ONE IS MY COUSIN?

THAT I DO NOT KNOW

SO JUST TO BE SAFE,
KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ALL THREE.

I STILL HAVE
A TWO-OUT-OF-THREE CHANCE.

I NEVER HAD THOSE ODDS.

BILL, IF YOU THINK...

GOOD-BYE, PEGGY.

WELL, I NEED A WINDOW SEAT
BECAUSE THIS FLOWER IS WILTIN'.

OH, LORD.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE
IN THE CAR NOW.

GO. GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.

HAVE A PLEASANT JOURNEY

AND DON'T BE AFRAID
TO ASK DIRECTIONS

FROM SOMEONE WHO
HAS ALREADY BEEN

WHERE YOU THINK
YOU NEED TO GO.

WHAT'S THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

LET "DANDY" DON MEREDITH
TAKE THE THROW.

( sighs )

HANK, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET

DON MEREDITH.

SO, YOU MUST
BE HANK HILL.

OH... HUH. MR. MEREDITH,
I HAVE ADMIRED YOU

FROM YOUR PLAYING DAYS
TO MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

TO YOUR ICED TEA COMMERCIALS.

WELL, MY MOM ALWAYS CALLS
ME "DON" OR "DONNY."

WOW, THAT'S A GREAT STORY,
MR. MEREDITH.

UH, SIR, THIS
IS MY WIFE, PEGGY.

IF YOU WERE A WOMAN,
I BELIEVE MY HUSBAND

WOULD HAVE MARRIED
YOU INSTEAD OF ME.

( chuckles )

FUNNY HOW
LIFE WORKS OUT.

WELL, WHO'S THIS LITTLE
FUTURE NOSE GUARD?

LOOK, DON...

I'M A DANDY, TOO.

WHY, YOU SURE
ARE, LITTLE SPORT.

( awkward chuckle )

YEAH.

HEY, THAT
REMINDS ME, DON

I'VE GOT YOUR
OLD JERSEY FOR YOU

TO WEAR
DURING THE CONTEST.

( whistles )

YEAH, NAH, I HUNG
THAT THING UP A LONG TIME AGO.

WHY DON'T YOU LET MY FRIEND
HANK, HERE, WEAR IT?

OH, I WOULD
BE HONORED.

YOU GOT THE PANTS, TOO?
YEAH.

COWBOY METALLIC BLUE.

( chuckles )

LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.

THERE YOU GO, SPORT.

( startled yell )

OH, ROSE.

I WAS JUST TIDYING UP
YOUR HUSBAND'S GRAVE.

OH, YOU ARE
A SWEET, SWEET MAN.

Bill:
D... A...

DAUTERIVE!

YOUR HUSBAND
IS A DAUTERIVE!

AND HE'S DEAD.

TAKE ME.

OKAY.

( both moaning )

NOW'S THE TIME TO FAKE
AN INJURY IF YOU WANT TO.

IT'S HALFTIME, HANK.

WE'RE ON.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE ALAMO
BEER MILLION-DOLLAR THROW.

ALAMO BEER WOULD LIKE
TO WELCOME OUR CONTEST WINNER

HANK HILL,
FROM ARLEN, TEXAS

AND DALLAS COWBOY LEGEND,
"DANDY" DON MEREDITH.

( crowd cheering )

WHAT'S IT GOING
TO BE, HANK?

ARE YOU GOING TO GO
FOR THE MILLION

OR ARE YOU
GOING TO LET

"DANDY" DON TRY IT
FOR $100,000?

DON'T WORRY, PEGGY.

OUR BOY'S GOING TO COLLEGE.

I'M GOING TO TAKE
THE SURE THING.

A-AREN'T YOU GOING
TO TAKE OFF YOUR JACKET?

( coughs )

( crowd groans )

TOUGH BREAK, SON.

HOW ABOUT A NICE HAND
FOR "DANDY" DON MEREDITH.

HE DIDN'T EVEN TAKE
OFF HIS JACKET.

I WANT A DO-OVER.

I COULD HAVE MADE THAT THROW.

HEY!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

YOU OWE MY SON
A COLLEGE EDUCATION.

HEY, YOU,
GET BACK HERE.

( crowd groans )

ROSE?

UH-UH. IT IS
I, VIOLETTA.

OH, I'M GLAD
YOU'RE HERE.

CAN I ASK
YOU SOMETHING?

THE ANSWER IS YES.

YEAH, I KNOW

BUT YOUR FIRST HUSBAND--

WHAT IS THE NAME
ON HIS FINAL RESTING CRYPT?

ANSWER HIM,
VIOLETTA.

LILY, BEGONE!

HI, LILY.

THIS IS WRONG--
VIOLETTA IS

YOUR BLOOD
COUSIN, GUILLAUME.

SHE'S LYING.

I'M NOT YOUR COUSIN--
SHE IS.

YOU ARE THE LIAR.

♪ WILLIAM. ♪

ROSE?

WE ARE NOT ALONE.

YES, I KNOW.

SHE IS YOUR COUSIN.

NO, SHE IS.
NO, SHE IS.

( women shrieking )

( startled yell )

GILBERT?

YOUR COUSIN
IS VIOLETTA.

( feline hissing )

NOW, HOW LONG
YOU BEEN SITTING THERE?

35 YEARS.

I WAS THE QUARTERBACK

AND I HAD A CLEAR
PATH TO THE END ZONE

BUT INSTEAD,
I HANDED IT OFF

TO A GUY IN A FUZZY COAT WHO
THREW IT LIKE A PLACE KICKER.

I DO BELIEVE I'LL
GIVE ROOM SERVICE

A JANGLE AND HAVE THEM
SEND UP SOME ETOUFFE.

Bobby:
NO!

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

AN APOLOGY.

HUH. YOU'RE THE ONE

WHO BLINDSIDED A QUARTERBACK
AT THE KNEES, HOSS.

UH, WELL, YEAH, I GUESS

THAT WAS UNSPORTSMAN-LIKE
CONDUCT.

I'M SORRY.

BUT STILL, WELL...
HERE'S MY POINT.

I WOULD HAVE MADE THAT THROW.

UH-HUH. IF "IF" AND "BUTS"
WERE CANDY AND NUTS

WE'D ALL HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I WOULD HAVE.

ALL RIGHT, HOSS.
PROVE IT.

TAKE US
TO THE SUPERDOME, CABBY.

VIOLETTA TELLS ME
SHE DISCOVERED YOU

IN A COMPROMISING
POSITION WITH ROSE AND LILY.

TELL ME THIS.

WERE YOU HERE TO TILL THE SOIL
AND NURTURE THE VINE

OR WERE YOU JUST PLAYING
IN THE GARDEN?

PLAYING.

I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST
IF YOU TOOK YOUR LEAVE.

CAN I SAY GOOD-BYE
TO THE GIRLS?

TEN YARDS...

ONE SHOT.

CONGRATULATIONS, SON.

YOU FEEL BETTER?

NO. IT'S NOT THE SAME.

THERE'S NO FANS
IN THE STANDS.

THERE'S NO PRESSURE

AND I DIDN'T WIN
A MILLION DOLLARS.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, HANK.

WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY...
IS GONE.

MAYBE YOU WOULD
HAVE MADE THAT THROW

BUT YOU PICKED ME.

YEAH, I PICKED YOU

BUT I THOUGHT AT LEAST

YOU WOULD HAVE
TAKEN OFF YOUR JACKET.

HANK, I PRACTICED THAT
THROW ALL WEEK AT HOME.

I EVEN MADE A TEN-FOOT TALL
REPLICA OF THE ALAMO BEER CAN.

IT GETS COLD IN NEW MEXICO
THIS TIME OF YEAR

SO I WORE MY COAT.

I WASN'T GOING
TO CHANGE THAT YESTERDAY.

I DIDN'T WANT TO SCREW UP
MY THROWING MOTION.

HUH.

WELL, HAD I KNOWN THAT

I PROBABLY WOULDN'T
HAVE TACKLED YOU.

DAMNED IF I DIDN'T WANT
TO COME THROUGH FOR YOU.

I'M SORRY I LET YOU DOWN

BUT YOU'LL BE
A LOT HAPPIER

IF YOU LET
THIS ONE GO, HANK.

I'LL NEVER
HAVE A CHANCE

LIKE THIS AGAIN.

NOPE. YOU WON'T.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S
SOMETHING I WANTED

AS MUCH AS YOU WANTED
THAT MILLION DOLLARS.

DON, YOU HAVE EVERYTHING.

YOU WERE A COWBOY...
DURING THE LANDRY YEARS.

I WANTED TO GO
TO THE SUPER BOWL.

CAME CLOSE,
BUT IT NEVER HAPPENED.

NEVER WILL,
AND THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'VE NEVER LOOKED BACK.

IT IS AN HONOR

JUST TO BE ON THE FIELD
WITH YOU, "DANDY" DON.

YOU KNOW, I BUILT A TEN-FOOT
ALAMO BEER CAN, TOO.

HUH. DID YOU SPOT-WELD
IT OR HOT GLUE?

WELD.

THAT'S THE ONLY
WAY TO GO, HOSS.

NICE WEEKEND, BILL?

BOTH OF THEM.

Hank:
WOW, THAT'S A GREAT STORY,
MR. MEREDITH.