King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 4, Episode 18 - Won't You Pimai Neighbor? - full transcript
Buddhist monks believe Bobby is a lama.
[Theme music]
[Screams]
Don't cold-can me!
[Laughing goofily]
KAHN: Here you go. RSVP means...
respondez-vous, s'il vous plaÎt,,,
which in redneck means,
"pick up phone and call...
"to give me head count for big
Laotian New Year's party."
HANK: New Year's party?
We're not falling
for a New Year's party in April, Kahn.
We are not April fools.
You are dumb as chimps.
Laotians use lunar calendar,
so our New Year come in April.
It's called Pimai.
So, when do you pay your taxes? August?
Okay. This real simple.
You all come to my big Pimai party...
get out of your stinking pig pens
for a night...
see what it's like to live
in a Pottery Barn catalog.
[Exclaiming incredulously]
So, Kahn's party is for real.
I'm gonna RSVP I'm not going.
Nope.
Je réponds non, Absolument non!
[Slurping]
I'm gonna make a Pimai resolution
to kiss you every day.
And to get out more.
KAHN: Kahn Jr!
CONNIE: I had better go.
If my dad sees us together...
Well, he thinks I'm collecting soil samples.
Your dad's days of hating me
are coming to a close.
Who can hate a kid who can Charleston?
[Singing softly]
CONNIE: [Laughing] Bye.
Hank, we are going to that party.
They are Connie's parents,
and it's not like there is a stream of girls...
lining up to date Bobby.
- There is one.
- Yeah.
- Used to be none.
- Exactly.
That is why we are going to do our part...
and pretend that we like Kahn and Minh.
Now, let's practice. I'll be Kahn.
[Clearing throat]
- [Imitating Kahn] You are a dumb redneck!
- That sounds more like Minh.
Well, leave my wife out of this, hillbilly!
I wish they'd move.
I'm not wearing that to the Pimai party.
I don't know why you buy clothes
for me online.
Wassanasongs might come.
Chane Wassanasong is
the biggest shank in our class.
They very important family.
Ted Wassanasong
member of Nine Rivers Country Club.
KAHN: Hey!
I just get big call.
Ted Wassanasong?
Yes. They're coming to our party...
and Ted says they are
bringing along important monks.
Buddhist monks?
Yeah, Buddhist, whatever. Monks.
- I'll get shrimp!
- Yeah, big shrimp!
These monks are looking
for reborn spirit of some lama...
name of Lama Sanglug.
Lesser-known lama, but still
spiritual big shot, any way you slice it.
They think he reincarnated in this area,
They look all over McMaynerbury,
turn up squat.
Ted says all signs point to Chane.
You hear that, Connie?
Chane could be a lama, a great leader!
What makes everybody so sure
that Chane is the lama?
He's second oboist, runner-up
in Westinghouse Science Contest...
and he has terrific posture.
I'm first violin and a Westinghouse winner.
How do you know I'm not the lama?
[Exclaiming] Connie? A lama?
That'd be amazing!
Finally, stuffed-up jerk Ted Wassanasong
have to kiss my ass.
[Chattering]
[Slurping]
- Hey, Hank.
- Bill.
Happy Pimai!
Damn it, Bill.
- It's a Pimai custom.
- I'm in!
[Groaning]
[Grunting]
[Screaming]
Gentle Christian neighbor...
as you might hear from
my daughter, Sanglug...
I mean Connie. Where'd that come from?
They throw water on you
to wash away the old year...
and bring luck for the new.
[Both grunting]
BOBBY: Connie...
I saw Chane trying to suck up
to the monks...
by wrapping up a to-go plate.
He is such a loser.
Talk to the junior monk.
He likes oceanography.
And who went to oceanography camp?
Me.
And Chane.
Kahn, I found one of your Heinekens...
sitting in back of one
of the crisper drawers. Can I have it?
[Laughing awkwardly]
That not my beer.
I don't drink.
BILL: Minh said it was yours.
KAHN: Take it.
He village idiot...
and in this village
that really saying something.
And yet Connie, my daughter,
still read to him.
Good luck trying to be a lama.
You don't have to try to be a lama...
you either are or you aren't.
And I am.
Why would a lama want to come back
as a third oboe?
- Second, Connie.
- Any woodwind.
...and when she little girl,
she name her goldfish Lama Sanglug.
[All exclaiming softly]
We would like to lay out some artifacts...
for your daughter
and the Wassanasong boy to observe.
If either child is the reincarnated lama,
they will choose correctly.
Yeah, the test! I go get her.
I need the keys to the Aerostar.
Hey, a yard sale. How much for the bell?
No. This is a test.
One of these objects belonged
to our revered lama before he died.
[Chanting]
His reborn spirit
will recognize the object...
and choose it.
Let me try. How much is it? Dollar a play?
[Exclaiming in exasperation]
Okay, son, you the lama.
Watch close. Every monk has a tell.
Hurry, hurry. You gotta pick before Chane.
HANK: Hi, there.
It's great to see the kids enjoying
a good old...
[Stuttering] Pi... ma... Pong party.
Out of my way, you redneck. It's test time.
Hey, Peggy does do a good you!
[Bobby exclaims nervously]
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Oh, no.
BOBBY: I'll stall him.
Hey, Chane! Who wants to move with me?
[Singing popular ragtime tune]
[Exclaiming in surprise]
Bobby?
No, please get up. I'm just a warm-up act.
Here's Connie to take the test.
Bobby, you just took the test.
No, I didn't. Connie, here's your cane.
You have selected correctly.
That cane belonged to Sanglug.
[Chanting softly]
Bobby, we believe
you are a very special child.
Sanglug was also joyful
and given to dance.
You could be destined
to be a spiritual leader...
as the reincarnation of Lama Sanglug.
Okay, show's over. We're going home.
This is all a big mistake.
You don't want me.
No, Bobby.
Today you passed a very important test.
Our leader, the Rinpoche,
will come here next Sunday...
to confirm our findings.
Look here...
I can't stop you from doing
what you do at the airports...
but in my neighborhood
you'll stay away from my son.
Thanks a lot, Bobby.
But I didn't do anything.
That guy in the dress is loco,
That guy is a monk,
and that dress is a robe...
and my religion is not a joke.
They are not taking this very well.
One of us should stay.
[Whispering in foreign language]
What? Come on!
I'm not sleeping in that van another night.
We are blessed to be in a town...
with a most generous Buddhist family.
Oh, good. Company.
Blow up the air mattress.
[Peggy laughing]
And they thought it was gonna be Connie.
Well, I always knew
my Bobby was destined for greatness.
To be perfectly honest, didn't see lama.
[Sighing] The Buddhists think Bobby
is a holy man. That's just sad.
Hank, listen to this.
Richard Gere is a Buddhist!
Just keeps getting sadder.
Is this what you dragged me out here for?
Soft-serve ice cream at the student union?
That was an unscheduled detour.
The campus Buddhist club
is the main attraction.
BOBBY: Don't tell anyone I'm a lama.
I want to blend in.
[Peaceful instrumental music]
This act symbolizes when the Buddha
left his palace to become a monk...
and cut off his long hair with a sword.
My parents don't go to things like this.
There's no one here they want to meet.
[All chanting]
- Thanks for bringing me, Bobby.
- Thank you for the ice-cream cone.
A real lama wouldn't be thinking
of Supercuts jokes...
in the middle of the ceremony, right?
Lama Sanglug always said
that the funniest joke...
comes from the tedium of meditation.
He was a wonderfully funny man.
He often wore his begging bowl like a hat.
I do that with my cereal bowl!
There are some teachings
that I think may help you on your journey.
[Exclaims excitedly]
Cool!
BOBBY: No pictures?
Maybe this will help.
[Grunting and groaning]
DALE: Let go of my finger.
BILL: You let go of my beer.
So help me, Bill,
don't mess with my trigger finger!
What are you going to do?
Shoot me with my beer?
I don't think so.
Why are friends fighting?
- He put his finger in my beer.
- He dared me to.
You fight, but you both
have the same goal, right?
- So?
- So?
Mr. Gribble...
I want you to relax,
and imagine your finger...
sliding right out of Mr. Dauterive's beer.
That is the single most ridiculous thing
I have ever...
[Exclaiming in disbelief]
[Oriental instrumental music]
CONNIE: Chane Wassanasong
could never have done that.
BOBBY: Chane's a good guy.
[Hank exclaims in shock]
[Chanting]
No way! No God-dang way!
Dad, I was this close to enlightenment.
You can call putting paint on your head
anything you want...
but we're Christians,
and we don't do that kind of stuff.
Why do you think we go to church
every Sunday? For fun?
- Why do we go?
- Because we're Methodist.
Yeah, I've been meaning to ask you:
What is Methodism, anyway?
REVEREND: Methodism is a rejection
of Calvinism.
[Exclaiming knowingly]
So, Bobby, you heard her.
You can't be a lama.
[Exclaiming excitedly]
You're the boy! Congratulations.
Now, hold on.
Wait, we're supposed to be
on the same team here.
Of course we are.
Bobby, do you love Jesus?
- With all my heart.
- Buddhist liar.
Mr. Hill, I would prefer it if Bobby
were simply a devout Methodist...
but if he can use this experience
to connect to his spirituality sincerely...
Yeah, okay. We're running late.
Reverend, I'll see you Sunday.
We could use an extra heart at the
homeless prayer service Saturday.
I'll mention it to the missus.
BOBBY: Listen to the wind.
Let the wind take the world away,
What do you hear inside, Connie?
I just hear my dad's ignorance
and my mom's empty-headed materialism.
No, wait.
I hear my dad's
empty-headed materialism, too...
and that's the loudest.
You expect too much of them, Connie.
Sometimes you have to let things be
as they are.
So your parents don't like me.
I'm carrying a few extra pounds.
Easy for you to say. You're a lama.
[Shushing]
I'm teaching here. Listen with your heart.
The beating of it
will drown out everything else.
All that's left will be the sound of us.
Kiss me, Sanglug.
[Soft instrumental music]
"My child is an honor student
at Westview Elementary."
[Car engine revving]
Yeah? Well, my child is God
to billions of Asians!
[Tires screeching]
I noticed that you couldn't stop
looking over at me.
I kept hearing flats.
I assumed they were coming from you.
Now, come on, you two.
If one of you plays flats
and the other plays sharps...
we will have perfect harmony.
That doesn't even make sense, nitwit.
Shut up. You're just jealous
because you weren't chosen as lama.
I'm glad I'm not a lama.
The Chane train stops for the ladies.
What is that supposed to mean?
Lamas can't have wives.
They can't even have girlfriends.
Is that true, Bobby?
It can't be.
I mean, how do they get new lamas
if the lamas can't...
Oh, no.
Reincarnation.
[Gasping in horror]
I got it. I'm leaving the Buddhahood.
Bobby, I won't let you.
I want to be with you, too,
but it's not our choice.
If you're Sanglug, you're Sanglug.
It's meant to be.
I can always tank the test.
I'll pick a bell. Who owns a bell?
- What if it is the bell?
- I'll pick another cane.
They wouldn't make it
the same thing twice.
Don't make this a game.
If you don't take that test tomorrow...
I'm going to be wondering
for the rest of my life if you're a lama.
And if you are,
I'll be disrespecting Buddha every day.
I can't live with that.
[Slurping]
- How long you been celibate?
- Three years.
The fourth year's the tough one.
You go tell my boy he's not a lama. Now.
I can't tell him that,
because it's not up to me.
There's a Buddhist saying:
"As the wheel follows the ox
that draws the cart...
"the wind cannot overturn a mountain."
You're talking like a song
from The Lion King,
Stop that. It makes no sense.
- Or does it make perfect sense?
- What the...
See, that's the type of...
I'm gonna kick your ass.
If my ass is going to be kicked,
then it will be kicked.
What...
[Exclaims in frustration]
To the celibacy of monks.
The celibacy of monks.
There, there, Kahn Jr.
We know how you must feel.
But really, you just dodged
a chubby white bullet.
[Soft instrumental music]
[Chanting]
[Sighing]
I don't know what the heck I'm doing.
Lama Sanglug, I miss Connie so much.
Wait, I'm Lama Sanglug.
What should we do? Give us a sign.
HANK: [In ghostly voice]
I am the great Lama Sanglug.
And you are not,
Forget about that dang Buddhist hooey,
I command you,
Dad, what are you doing?
Nothing, I was just walking by
and I thought I heard...
[Exclaims wearily]
- Don't take the test tomorrow.
- I have to.
- What have they got on you, boy?
- I'm in a jam here.
Connie says she'll have to dump me
if I don't take the test.
[Sighing] Well, we definitely
can't have that.
That's why I'm praying my guts out.
But I'm not getting an answer.
I don't know what to do.
Everything is gonna...
It's gonna be all right.
So just hang in there.
Okay, then.
Don't forget to brush.
Okay, here we go.
Lord, Hank Hill here, Methodist.
Sorry about missing
the homeless prayer service.
Now, about Bobby...
I'm pretty sure we're on the same page
about this lama thing.
I was kind of hoping that you could
just have him fail this test tomorrow.
You know, like you've had him fail
so many other tests in the past.
Oh, and the starving kids.
Gotta go. Amen.
[Serene instrumental music]
[Birds chirping]
Hey, Bobby Hill, look.
I got a statue of Buddha.
Separated at birth, or what!
[Tense instrumental music]
If he picks right,
he gets to keep all those prizes.
- What if he picks wrong?
- Cap snaffler.
Snaffles caps off all size jugs,
bottles, and jars...
and it really works.
This is the final test.
Please...
choose an item you see on this rug.
[Sighing]
[Tense instrumental music continues]
I can pick anything I see on this rug?
Yes.
I pick Connie.
Right there in the mirror.
[Connie exclaims in shock]
Hey, make him pick for real. He cheating.
There is no cheating.
The test has been taken. He has chosen.
[Screaming]
Do you think maybe I should pick?
No.
[Serene instrumental music]
Pack it up.
- But that was Sanglug's mirror.
- I know.
- But he didn't pick it.
- But he used it.
[Exclaiming affirmatively]
Tough call.
MONK 1: But it's mine, and I made it.
[Theme music]
KAHN: Yeah, Buddhist, whatever, Monks,
[Screams]
Don't cold-can me!
[Laughing goofily]
KAHN: Here you go. RSVP means...
respondez-vous, s'il vous plaÎt,,,
which in redneck means,
"pick up phone and call...
"to give me head count for big
Laotian New Year's party."
HANK: New Year's party?
We're not falling
for a New Year's party in April, Kahn.
We are not April fools.
You are dumb as chimps.
Laotians use lunar calendar,
so our New Year come in April.
It's called Pimai.
So, when do you pay your taxes? August?
Okay. This real simple.
You all come to my big Pimai party...
get out of your stinking pig pens
for a night...
see what it's like to live
in a Pottery Barn catalog.
[Exclaiming incredulously]
So, Kahn's party is for real.
I'm gonna RSVP I'm not going.
Nope.
Je réponds non, Absolument non!
[Slurping]
I'm gonna make a Pimai resolution
to kiss you every day.
And to get out more.
KAHN: Kahn Jr!
CONNIE: I had better go.
If my dad sees us together...
Well, he thinks I'm collecting soil samples.
Your dad's days of hating me
are coming to a close.
Who can hate a kid who can Charleston?
[Singing softly]
CONNIE: [Laughing] Bye.
Hank, we are going to that party.
They are Connie's parents,
and it's not like there is a stream of girls...
lining up to date Bobby.
- There is one.
- Yeah.
- Used to be none.
- Exactly.
That is why we are going to do our part...
and pretend that we like Kahn and Minh.
Now, let's practice. I'll be Kahn.
[Clearing throat]
- [Imitating Kahn] You are a dumb redneck!
- That sounds more like Minh.
Well, leave my wife out of this, hillbilly!
I wish they'd move.
I'm not wearing that to the Pimai party.
I don't know why you buy clothes
for me online.
Wassanasongs might come.
Chane Wassanasong is
the biggest shank in our class.
They very important family.
Ted Wassanasong
member of Nine Rivers Country Club.
KAHN: Hey!
I just get big call.
Ted Wassanasong?
Yes. They're coming to our party...
and Ted says they are
bringing along important monks.
Buddhist monks?
Yeah, Buddhist, whatever. Monks.
- I'll get shrimp!
- Yeah, big shrimp!
These monks are looking
for reborn spirit of some lama...
name of Lama Sanglug.
Lesser-known lama, but still
spiritual big shot, any way you slice it.
They think he reincarnated in this area,
They look all over McMaynerbury,
turn up squat.
Ted says all signs point to Chane.
You hear that, Connie?
Chane could be a lama, a great leader!
What makes everybody so sure
that Chane is the lama?
He's second oboist, runner-up
in Westinghouse Science Contest...
and he has terrific posture.
I'm first violin and a Westinghouse winner.
How do you know I'm not the lama?
[Exclaiming] Connie? A lama?
That'd be amazing!
Finally, stuffed-up jerk Ted Wassanasong
have to kiss my ass.
[Chattering]
[Slurping]
- Hey, Hank.
- Bill.
Happy Pimai!
Damn it, Bill.
- It's a Pimai custom.
- I'm in!
[Groaning]
[Grunting]
[Screaming]
Gentle Christian neighbor...
as you might hear from
my daughter, Sanglug...
I mean Connie. Where'd that come from?
They throw water on you
to wash away the old year...
and bring luck for the new.
[Both grunting]
BOBBY: Connie...
I saw Chane trying to suck up
to the monks...
by wrapping up a to-go plate.
He is such a loser.
Talk to the junior monk.
He likes oceanography.
And who went to oceanography camp?
Me.
And Chane.
Kahn, I found one of your Heinekens...
sitting in back of one
of the crisper drawers. Can I have it?
[Laughing awkwardly]
That not my beer.
I don't drink.
BILL: Minh said it was yours.
KAHN: Take it.
He village idiot...
and in this village
that really saying something.
And yet Connie, my daughter,
still read to him.
Good luck trying to be a lama.
You don't have to try to be a lama...
you either are or you aren't.
And I am.
Why would a lama want to come back
as a third oboe?
- Second, Connie.
- Any woodwind.
...and when she little girl,
she name her goldfish Lama Sanglug.
[All exclaiming softly]
We would like to lay out some artifacts...
for your daughter
and the Wassanasong boy to observe.
If either child is the reincarnated lama,
they will choose correctly.
Yeah, the test! I go get her.
I need the keys to the Aerostar.
Hey, a yard sale. How much for the bell?
No. This is a test.
One of these objects belonged
to our revered lama before he died.
[Chanting]
His reborn spirit
will recognize the object...
and choose it.
Let me try. How much is it? Dollar a play?
[Exclaiming in exasperation]
Okay, son, you the lama.
Watch close. Every monk has a tell.
Hurry, hurry. You gotta pick before Chane.
HANK: Hi, there.
It's great to see the kids enjoying
a good old...
[Stuttering] Pi... ma... Pong party.
Out of my way, you redneck. It's test time.
Hey, Peggy does do a good you!
[Bobby exclaims nervously]
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Oh, no.
BOBBY: I'll stall him.
Hey, Chane! Who wants to move with me?
[Singing popular ragtime tune]
[Exclaiming in surprise]
Bobby?
No, please get up. I'm just a warm-up act.
Here's Connie to take the test.
Bobby, you just took the test.
No, I didn't. Connie, here's your cane.
You have selected correctly.
That cane belonged to Sanglug.
[Chanting softly]
Bobby, we believe
you are a very special child.
Sanglug was also joyful
and given to dance.
You could be destined
to be a spiritual leader...
as the reincarnation of Lama Sanglug.
Okay, show's over. We're going home.
This is all a big mistake.
You don't want me.
No, Bobby.
Today you passed a very important test.
Our leader, the Rinpoche,
will come here next Sunday...
to confirm our findings.
Look here...
I can't stop you from doing
what you do at the airports...
but in my neighborhood
you'll stay away from my son.
Thanks a lot, Bobby.
But I didn't do anything.
That guy in the dress is loco,
That guy is a monk,
and that dress is a robe...
and my religion is not a joke.
They are not taking this very well.
One of us should stay.
[Whispering in foreign language]
What? Come on!
I'm not sleeping in that van another night.
We are blessed to be in a town...
with a most generous Buddhist family.
Oh, good. Company.
Blow up the air mattress.
[Peggy laughing]
And they thought it was gonna be Connie.
Well, I always knew
my Bobby was destined for greatness.
To be perfectly honest, didn't see lama.
[Sighing] The Buddhists think Bobby
is a holy man. That's just sad.
Hank, listen to this.
Richard Gere is a Buddhist!
Just keeps getting sadder.
Is this what you dragged me out here for?
Soft-serve ice cream at the student union?
That was an unscheduled detour.
The campus Buddhist club
is the main attraction.
BOBBY: Don't tell anyone I'm a lama.
I want to blend in.
[Peaceful instrumental music]
This act symbolizes when the Buddha
left his palace to become a monk...
and cut off his long hair with a sword.
My parents don't go to things like this.
There's no one here they want to meet.
[All chanting]
- Thanks for bringing me, Bobby.
- Thank you for the ice-cream cone.
A real lama wouldn't be thinking
of Supercuts jokes...
in the middle of the ceremony, right?
Lama Sanglug always said
that the funniest joke...
comes from the tedium of meditation.
He was a wonderfully funny man.
He often wore his begging bowl like a hat.
I do that with my cereal bowl!
There are some teachings
that I think may help you on your journey.
[Exclaims excitedly]
Cool!
BOBBY: No pictures?
Maybe this will help.
[Grunting and groaning]
DALE: Let go of my finger.
BILL: You let go of my beer.
So help me, Bill,
don't mess with my trigger finger!
What are you going to do?
Shoot me with my beer?
I don't think so.
Why are friends fighting?
- He put his finger in my beer.
- He dared me to.
You fight, but you both
have the same goal, right?
- So?
- So?
Mr. Gribble...
I want you to relax,
and imagine your finger...
sliding right out of Mr. Dauterive's beer.
That is the single most ridiculous thing
I have ever...
[Exclaiming in disbelief]
[Oriental instrumental music]
CONNIE: Chane Wassanasong
could never have done that.
BOBBY: Chane's a good guy.
[Hank exclaims in shock]
[Chanting]
No way! No God-dang way!
Dad, I was this close to enlightenment.
You can call putting paint on your head
anything you want...
but we're Christians,
and we don't do that kind of stuff.
Why do you think we go to church
every Sunday? For fun?
- Why do we go?
- Because we're Methodist.
Yeah, I've been meaning to ask you:
What is Methodism, anyway?
REVEREND: Methodism is a rejection
of Calvinism.
[Exclaiming knowingly]
So, Bobby, you heard her.
You can't be a lama.
[Exclaiming excitedly]
You're the boy! Congratulations.
Now, hold on.
Wait, we're supposed to be
on the same team here.
Of course we are.
Bobby, do you love Jesus?
- With all my heart.
- Buddhist liar.
Mr. Hill, I would prefer it if Bobby
were simply a devout Methodist...
but if he can use this experience
to connect to his spirituality sincerely...
Yeah, okay. We're running late.
Reverend, I'll see you Sunday.
We could use an extra heart at the
homeless prayer service Saturday.
I'll mention it to the missus.
BOBBY: Listen to the wind.
Let the wind take the world away,
What do you hear inside, Connie?
I just hear my dad's ignorance
and my mom's empty-headed materialism.
No, wait.
I hear my dad's
empty-headed materialism, too...
and that's the loudest.
You expect too much of them, Connie.
Sometimes you have to let things be
as they are.
So your parents don't like me.
I'm carrying a few extra pounds.
Easy for you to say. You're a lama.
[Shushing]
I'm teaching here. Listen with your heart.
The beating of it
will drown out everything else.
All that's left will be the sound of us.
Kiss me, Sanglug.
[Soft instrumental music]
"My child is an honor student
at Westview Elementary."
[Car engine revving]
Yeah? Well, my child is God
to billions of Asians!
[Tires screeching]
I noticed that you couldn't stop
looking over at me.
I kept hearing flats.
I assumed they were coming from you.
Now, come on, you two.
If one of you plays flats
and the other plays sharps...
we will have perfect harmony.
That doesn't even make sense, nitwit.
Shut up. You're just jealous
because you weren't chosen as lama.
I'm glad I'm not a lama.
The Chane train stops for the ladies.
What is that supposed to mean?
Lamas can't have wives.
They can't even have girlfriends.
Is that true, Bobby?
It can't be.
I mean, how do they get new lamas
if the lamas can't...
Oh, no.
Reincarnation.
[Gasping in horror]
I got it. I'm leaving the Buddhahood.
Bobby, I won't let you.
I want to be with you, too,
but it's not our choice.
If you're Sanglug, you're Sanglug.
It's meant to be.
I can always tank the test.
I'll pick a bell. Who owns a bell?
- What if it is the bell?
- I'll pick another cane.
They wouldn't make it
the same thing twice.
Don't make this a game.
If you don't take that test tomorrow...
I'm going to be wondering
for the rest of my life if you're a lama.
And if you are,
I'll be disrespecting Buddha every day.
I can't live with that.
[Slurping]
- How long you been celibate?
- Three years.
The fourth year's the tough one.
You go tell my boy he's not a lama. Now.
I can't tell him that,
because it's not up to me.
There's a Buddhist saying:
"As the wheel follows the ox
that draws the cart...
"the wind cannot overturn a mountain."
You're talking like a song
from The Lion King,
Stop that. It makes no sense.
- Or does it make perfect sense?
- What the...
See, that's the type of...
I'm gonna kick your ass.
If my ass is going to be kicked,
then it will be kicked.
What...
[Exclaims in frustration]
To the celibacy of monks.
The celibacy of monks.
There, there, Kahn Jr.
We know how you must feel.
But really, you just dodged
a chubby white bullet.
[Soft instrumental music]
[Chanting]
[Sighing]
I don't know what the heck I'm doing.
Lama Sanglug, I miss Connie so much.
Wait, I'm Lama Sanglug.
What should we do? Give us a sign.
HANK: [In ghostly voice]
I am the great Lama Sanglug.
And you are not,
Forget about that dang Buddhist hooey,
I command you,
Dad, what are you doing?
Nothing, I was just walking by
and I thought I heard...
[Exclaims wearily]
- Don't take the test tomorrow.
- I have to.
- What have they got on you, boy?
- I'm in a jam here.
Connie says she'll have to dump me
if I don't take the test.
[Sighing] Well, we definitely
can't have that.
That's why I'm praying my guts out.
But I'm not getting an answer.
I don't know what to do.
Everything is gonna...
It's gonna be all right.
So just hang in there.
Okay, then.
Don't forget to brush.
Okay, here we go.
Lord, Hank Hill here, Methodist.
Sorry about missing
the homeless prayer service.
Now, about Bobby...
I'm pretty sure we're on the same page
about this lama thing.
I was kind of hoping that you could
just have him fail this test tomorrow.
You know, like you've had him fail
so many other tests in the past.
Oh, and the starving kids.
Gotta go. Amen.
[Serene instrumental music]
[Birds chirping]
Hey, Bobby Hill, look.
I got a statue of Buddha.
Separated at birth, or what!
[Tense instrumental music]
If he picks right,
he gets to keep all those prizes.
- What if he picks wrong?
- Cap snaffler.
Snaffles caps off all size jugs,
bottles, and jars...
and it really works.
This is the final test.
Please...
choose an item you see on this rug.
[Sighing]
[Tense instrumental music continues]
I can pick anything I see on this rug?
Yes.
I pick Connie.
Right there in the mirror.
[Connie exclaims in shock]
Hey, make him pick for real. He cheating.
There is no cheating.
The test has been taken. He has chosen.
[Screaming]
Do you think maybe I should pick?
No.
[Serene instrumental music]
Pack it up.
- But that was Sanglug's mirror.
- I know.
- But he didn't pick it.
- But he used it.
[Exclaiming affirmatively]
Tough call.
MONK 1: But it's mine, and I made it.
[Theme music]
KAHN: Yeah, Buddhist, whatever, Monks,