King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 4, Episode 16 - Movin' on Up - full transcript
Luanne is sick of Hank's rules and regulations, so she rents the house next door with three other people. When she gets angry at them for being irresponsible, she gets upset because she's acting just like Hank would.
(hank)
Boy, look at pops go.
80 years old and he still has
the reaction time
to miss
the sprinkler heads.
Tony curtis is 80.
[Lawnmower whirring]
[Exclaiming]
Oh, look at him. Now he's
just showboating.
Come on, pops,
let's see those hands
at 10 and 2.
Uh, pops?
(bill)
Mr. Popizito?
[Crashing]
Oh, man. Hey, man.
(hank)
Boy, i tell you, it's sad.
But at least he went
doing what he loved.
Well, we should
all be so lucky.
You know how
i wanna go?
Right here in
the alley with you guys.
Yeah, it'll probably
be my heart, the way
things are going.
Ooh! Hey, we should rent
that house ourselves.
We could turn it
into a clubhouse.
I am currently
an official supporter
of the clubhouse idea.
I also reserve the right
to be called "dash."
And i'll be "spike"!
A clubhouse?
I don't know. Isn't that
something you do when
you're in your 30s?
No, man.
Come on, hank.
[Mumbling]
You know, that little
old d.v.d. Player, man
.
Coming in on show,
just grabbing in
the dang freeze-frame...
talking about a fridge
full of beer, too,
man, you know.
Well, boomhauer, i tell you,
you ought to be in sales.
All right, i'm in.
Welcome to
the clubhouse, hank.
What do you want
to be called?
How about "rudy"?
How about "hank"?
Hank it is, rudy.
You are so late.
You know i like my bath
at 9:30 with my onion loaf.
I'm sorry. The cash register
didn't balance
and it took gary 20 minute
s to confess.
Do you mind if i just take
a quick shower first?
I smell like waitressing.
I'm sorry.
My bath is already drawn.
[Hank and peggy giggling]
(hank)
Ok, i'm taking off my boxers.
[Peggy laughing]
[Screams]
.
What the..
[Exclaiming]
Luanne.
Oh, my god!
I thought you guys
were sleeping.
[Giggling]
But you guys
weren't sleeping.
Exit the master bedroom
right now.
[Sighing]
Boxers.
Luanne, we have
rules in this house.
Why are you guys
getting so upset?
I didn't see anything.
You saw your
uncle's nipples.
[Exclaiming]
The way i see it,
you are in direct violation
of 4 of our rules.
You had it notarized?
No water usage
after 10:00 p.m.
9:00 p.m. Curfew
on school nights.
Entering the master bedroom
without verbal permission.
And you're barefoot
in the kitchen.
Ladybird eats off
that floor.
God only has
10 rules, uncle hank,
and his house
is much bigger.
All right, dale,
for the last time,
i can't turn in
this rental application
without your
social security number.
Fine.
5-5-5...
5-5.
[Sighing]
That's not even
enough numbers.
5.
5.
Ok, i'm leaving
your name off.
But you're still responsible
for one-fourth of the rent.
I figure i can pull
my extra workbench
out of public storage
and keep it
in the clubhouse.
That'll save me
a few bucks a month.
And i've given it some thought
and i've decided
to start charging luanne
some rent for
living in my den.
See, house
right across from me.
They wanna use our clubhouse
as their living quarters.
Hank, we have to
do something.
I don't know, kahn.
The house looks nice,
but the neighborhood looks
a little hillbilly to me.
Hillbilly? I have an idea.
Follow my lead.
Hey, mr. Kahn
them some fancy blue jeans
y'all's lady friend
is wearing.
They must be
city folk.
I just whipped up
a new batch of possum stew
i'd be willing
to share with you.
Don't worry.
I took off the feet.
What did
he just say?
All great chefs
doing that now.
Wolfgang puck cut the feet
off of everything.
(dale)
? i got my own fine wife
and i got my own fiddle ?
? sun's coming up,
i got gribble,
gribble, gribble ?
(all)
? life ain't nothing
but a funny, funny riddle ?
? thank god
i'm a country boy ??
They just day laborers.
They're putting in my deck.
[All laughing]
Our plan worked.
Spike, rudy, boomhauer,
let's check out
our new clubhouse.
You talking about everybod
y got a dang old nickname
except me, man.
Dang old odd man out, man.
All right, boomhauer.
What do you wanna be called?
B-dog.
(hank)
So, i figure if we
knock down that wall
and build
a new wall over there,
that'd be fun.
(bill)
Hey, a refrigerator.
Look, pop's last beer.
Huh.
To pops.
That son of a bitch
had a swimming pool?
Huh. I thought
i heard splashing.
How could
you not know?
You lived next door
to him for 18 years.
I thought
he lived
on a lake.
What lake?
.
It was none
of my business
(real estate agent)
So, you're the ones
who broke my lock box.
Uh, was the open house
canceled?
D
i'm sorry. This house
has already been rente
to a lovely
college student.
College student?
No college student's
gonna have a credit histor
y like mine.
[Door opening]
Here are your keys,
miss platter.
Welcome home.
Luanne?
Young lady, you had better
march right back
into hank's den.
That's your home
and that will always
be your home. Right, hank?
Luanne, welcome
to your new home.
(hank)
I'm not gonna be stingy
with the packing tape, luanne.
You tape away.
It's not that i want
to move, it's just tha
t i hate living here.
There's just
too many rules.
Yup.
Way too many rules.
Good-bye.
And if i
have to pay rent,
i'm not gonna sleep in a den
and share a bathtub
with a 12-year-old boy,
ok?
Rent? Excuse me.
Hank, did you pass
a new law while this hill
was not in session?
Just tied up
a rental loophole.
The important thing
is she's happy.
And i'm not paying
for it all alone.
See, this friend of mine
who got kicked out
of her apartment,
she had 3 roommates
who also got kicked out
of the apartment.
And she said
i could have them.
I don't know.
I just think that
i should move out
before we end up
hating each other.
Oh, luanne,
we could never hate--
she's making
a good point, peggy.
We lost everything
so fast.
.
And hank did
nothing to stop it
.
Like the swiss
how's your
precious den?
Visual confirmation.
Roommate number one.
Female.
(bill)
Dating a jarhead, huh?
My first choice
was the marines.
But i couldn't do
enough sit-ups
to be a marine corps barber.
Semper fi.
(hank)
Oh, great. We've got
a disco dancer.
Anyone can move slow.
[Whooshing]
[Car horn honking]
Hey.
Hey, guys
drinking beer.
You're in my
parking spot.
No, i don't think so.
This is where
we assemble.
Always has been.
Well, always has been
texas penal code49.02,
which prohibits
public drunkenness.
What are you
talking about?
Nobody's drunk here.
I don't know, hank.
I'm pretty buzzed.
My lease says
this is my space.
[Tires screeching]
[All exclaiming]
Thought so.
Gentlemen, i give you
roommate number 3.
I kind of like her.
[Sighing]
? hello ?
? how are things going
for you today? ?
[Exclaiming]
? don't you miss her ??
??[loud music playing]
.
(griffin)
Little help? Thank you
now you've got a lawsuit.
The audacity.
I have unplugged your house
from my house.
That's not very
neighborly of you.
You know,
when it hits a 105 degrees
and you wanna use my pool
and drink my soy shakes,
i'm gonna remember this.
Yeah? Well, there goes your
welcome wagon tool set.
You happy?
So, who'd like to meet
my other roommates?
[Giggling]
The manger babies.
This is sir reginald
featherbottom iii and...
oh.
I know what
you're thinking.
I perform
a christian puppet show--
ok.
We need to go to
the grocery store.
I already went
to the store
and sir reginald noticed how
expensive food is these days.
There's food?
They're not gonna
leave you a scrap,
what, what?
??[humming]
[Sighs]
One in the garage,
one in the den.
?
What you doing
oh, nothing.
Just, uh,
working on my den.
[Grunting]
[Exclaiming]
I always wanted a clubhous
e with a secret knock.
How about, uh...
no, that's the secret knock
at the gun club.
I don't wanna get confused.
How about this?
You know, part of the reason
i agreed to the clubhouse idea
was that one of
the bedrooms over there
was gonna be my private den.
.
And, well,
now that i've got my den..
[Clears throat]
Our clubhouse.
My den.
.
Yup, that's
the official knock
.
It'll hold us until
i can get a retina scanner
[sighing]
Hey, guys. I figured
out all the bills.
I used additions
and subtractions.
Ooh, wow, i'm gonna have t
o catch up with you later.
See, i have a bike race
coming up, and there's
gonna be this chick there
that i dig,
so i need to get a new shirt
that really sports my abs.
I mean, check it out.
Yeah, i can't pay this
right now either.
I'm going to vegas
this weekend.
Um, ok. Kate?
The phone bill is
pretty much 100 percent yours.
So, anyway, my little sister,
she borrowed my kangol hat.
Yes, i'm mad.
[T.v. Playing]
Listen, when i signed up
for phone service,
i signed a document
that said i would pay on time.
I swore it.
.
On my mother's maiden name
you're kind of
being a house nazi
right now, luanne.
Hello? I thought we agreed
no smoking in the house.
You know who else
had anti-smoking laws?
Uh, who was it?
Oh, yeah. Hitler!
[Coughing]
Nazi.
??[music playing on t.v.]
Luanne.
What's up, girlfriend?
I have not seen you
in the longest.
Oh.
Ok. You guys are finished
with dinner already.
Why? Are you hungry?
Luanne, are you eating?
Do you need money?
Get my purse.
No, no, no, no,
aunt peggy. No.
I'm on my own now
and i don't need
help from anyone.
Oh,
.
But i am doing
a book report on
what people eat for dinner
so, what did you eat?
Let me fix you
a to-go plate.
?
Hey, luanne.
What you got there
nothing.
This isn't mine.
It's nice to see luann
e once in a while.
Knowing she'll be leaving
kind of makes it
like a fun game.
There is nothing funny
about starvation,
except for
comic relief, of course.
[Doorbell rings]
Now, luanne is very proud
and may not accept
our charity,
but she's also very hungry
, so who knows?
Luanne is usually home
from work by now.
[Exclaiming]
(bobby)
Guys can shave
their legs, too?
That's very
interesting.
Peggy!
Bobby!
.
Sorry, dad
heads up. Der fuhrer
is home from work.
Whose turn is it
to take the trash out?
Don't make me
get out the chore wheel.
Oh.
Uncle hank, aunt peggy.
You're here.
.
We brought
a casserole for dinner
no, no, no, no, no,
i won't hear of it.
I'm on my own now,
and i can make you dinner.
Dinner. I'm on it.
Oh, crap. Dinner.
(luanne)
Where are the crackers?
Where is my macaroni?
And the cheese?
Where are my stick'ems?
[Screaming]
That is it!
Who ate all my food?
Come forward.
I needed a carbo load.
[Exclaiming]
Griffin! Eww!
We said no shaving
in the living room
unless it was
an emergency. Ugh.
Zieg heil.
When i think of
how many stupid
onion loaves i had to sell
e
so you people
could talk on the phon
and eat my cookies,
it makes me so...
[luanne grunting]
[Whispering]
Hank, maybe we
should intervene.
.
You go talk to
the german one
we have rules
in this house.
We all agreed
to them, people.
I'm counting at least...
12. 12 violations.
Oh, my god!
I have become you.
Oh.
I hate myself.
[Crying]
I'm worried
about luanne.
?
She hates herself
because she's become bobby
i mean, what's tha
t all about?
Hank, she was
pointing at you.
She's become you,
and that is why
she hates herself.
Oh, well,
then she's just crazy.
Hank, please talk to her.
I can hear her
crying in her room.
Her room? My den.
For all we know,
she could be laughing.
All right.
[Crying]
Why?
It is very sad to see people
take advantage
of the kindness of others.
Yes, it is.
All right.
Bill, dale, boomhauer,
get out. Come on.
Spike, dash, b-dog.
You know, back in your house
when you said:
"I've become you."
Yeah?
Well, you said it like,
"i've become you."
When, well, you probably
could have said it more like,
[softly]
"Hey, i've become you."
What?
You see, luanne,
a lot of good stuff
happened in the world
when people were like me.
Sure, they'll never
write a hollywood musical
about a fella
who keeps his yard
free of debris
.
And pays his bills on time
and the m.t.v.
Won't put on a video
about a man
who requires shoes
in the kitchen.
But it's because
of people like us--
i'm not like you.
This is just too much
for me!
Oh!
And all the bills,
,
and they mooch my food
and they're always
on the phone
and i just can't
take it anymore.
I can't stand
one more day.
They're wearing my socks,
uncle hank.
[Gasping]
Oh, god! Oh, god!
I need a paper bag.
Now, take it easy.
You didn't see me
getting all huffy
every time
you made me mad.
?
I made you mad
sure.
And you were 3 times
the pain in the butt
these kids are.
Oh, good.
Then you'll be able
to handle them for me.
Maybe i could,
but i don't wanna
give you a fish, luanne.
I wanna teach you
how to fish.
That way
you'll eat forever.
Hello, i'm with
the electric company.
Don't mind me.
I'll only be a minute.
[Sniffling]
I'm on break.
Please continue with
your private conversation.
Do not worry.
I am deaf and cannot hear
what you are saying.
You know, luanne,
you and i both wanted
a little place of our own.
I thought my den
would be my oasis.
But now the only place
i can get away from
the various annoyances
in my life is...
[dale slurping]
Is?
[Sighs]
Is my lawn.
When i'm out there mowing,
edging, watering,
even fertilizing,
nothing else matters.
Yup. That's what
you got to do, luanne.
Find yourself a project.
Find your own lawn.
That's it?
I couldn't help but overhear
your uncle's bad advice.
What?
Aha! It is i, dale gribble
, master of 1,000 faces.
You just met
face number 2:
The deaf electrician.
The only thing
your roommates
, i.e., enemies,
will understand is fear,
i.e., psychological warfare,
i.e., dirty tricks.
It worked for dick nixon.
Well, but--
for example,
get a hold of
some goat's blood.
Taint that blood.
Then when your
roommates need blood,
give them
the tainted goat's blood.
It's a perfect plan.
I don't wanna hurt anyone.
I just want them
to do the dishes.
Oh.
Well, in that case
, stack the dishes
in the shower.
That's the way nancy
gets me to do 'em.
[Grunts]
Luanne, do you mind?
Ugh, what are you doing?
Well, somebody left
a bunch of dishes
in the shower.
That's kind of rude.
Good lord,
i hate these people.
I know, jesus.
I know you told me
never to say "hate."
But i'm sorry, lord.
I really, really do.
??[humming]
Truth or dare?
Dare.
[Sighs]
Hey, uncle hank.
Guess what?
Right this second,
the p.h. Balance
in this pool
is absolutely perfect.
So, you found
yourself a project.
Do you get the same, uh,
high i get
from lawn care?
.
You know, i think i do
(girl)
Excuse me.
You didn't pay
your bills, did you?
Oh, well, luanne,
at least you tried.
Oh, i paid my bills.
And then i closed
all the accounts.
[Giggles]
If my roommates
want gas, water,
electricity, or a phone,
they can just open up
their own accounts.
Simple as that.
You know,
if you're ever up late
studying for a test
and you want
a little electricity,
i've still got
that extension cord.
No thanks, uncle hank.
You taught me
how to fish.
Yup.
Yup.
This place
looks terrible.
You ain't pops
.
Oh, that old guy?
Yeah, he died.
Dead?
Then i'm arresting you
for suspicion of murder.
Grab him, topsy.
Yeah. All right,
boy, you're coming with--
hey, get your hands
off me, you nazi.
Who are you calling a nazi?
[Screams]
All right, topsy,
let's roll.
(dale)
Truth or dare?
(bill)
Dare.
[Hank sighs]
Boy, look at pops go.
80 years old and he still has
the reaction time
to miss
the sprinkler heads.
Tony curtis is 80.
[Lawnmower whirring]
[Exclaiming]
Oh, look at him. Now he's
just showboating.
Come on, pops,
let's see those hands
at 10 and 2.
Uh, pops?
(bill)
Mr. Popizito?
[Crashing]
Oh, man. Hey, man.
(hank)
Boy, i tell you, it's sad.
But at least he went
doing what he loved.
Well, we should
all be so lucky.
You know how
i wanna go?
Right here in
the alley with you guys.
Yeah, it'll probably
be my heart, the way
things are going.
Ooh! Hey, we should rent
that house ourselves.
We could turn it
into a clubhouse.
I am currently
an official supporter
of the clubhouse idea.
I also reserve the right
to be called "dash."
And i'll be "spike"!
A clubhouse?
I don't know. Isn't that
something you do when
you're in your 30s?
No, man.
Come on, hank.
[Mumbling]
You know, that little
old d.v.d. Player, man
.
Coming in on show,
just grabbing in
the dang freeze-frame...
talking about a fridge
full of beer, too,
man, you know.
Well, boomhauer, i tell you,
you ought to be in sales.
All right, i'm in.
Welcome to
the clubhouse, hank.
What do you want
to be called?
How about "rudy"?
How about "hank"?
Hank it is, rudy.
You are so late.
You know i like my bath
at 9:30 with my onion loaf.
I'm sorry. The cash register
didn't balance
and it took gary 20 minute
s to confess.
Do you mind if i just take
a quick shower first?
I smell like waitressing.
I'm sorry.
My bath is already drawn.
[Hank and peggy giggling]
(hank)
Ok, i'm taking off my boxers.
[Peggy laughing]
[Screams]
.
What the..
[Exclaiming]
Luanne.
Oh, my god!
I thought you guys
were sleeping.
[Giggling]
But you guys
weren't sleeping.
Exit the master bedroom
right now.
[Sighing]
Boxers.
Luanne, we have
rules in this house.
Why are you guys
getting so upset?
I didn't see anything.
You saw your
uncle's nipples.
[Exclaiming]
The way i see it,
you are in direct violation
of 4 of our rules.
You had it notarized?
No water usage
after 10:00 p.m.
9:00 p.m. Curfew
on school nights.
Entering the master bedroom
without verbal permission.
And you're barefoot
in the kitchen.
Ladybird eats off
that floor.
God only has
10 rules, uncle hank,
and his house
is much bigger.
All right, dale,
for the last time,
i can't turn in
this rental application
without your
social security number.
Fine.
5-5-5...
5-5.
[Sighing]
That's not even
enough numbers.
5.
5.
Ok, i'm leaving
your name off.
But you're still responsible
for one-fourth of the rent.
I figure i can pull
my extra workbench
out of public storage
and keep it
in the clubhouse.
That'll save me
a few bucks a month.
And i've given it some thought
and i've decided
to start charging luanne
some rent for
living in my den.
See, house
right across from me.
They wanna use our clubhouse
as their living quarters.
Hank, we have to
do something.
I don't know, kahn.
The house looks nice,
but the neighborhood looks
a little hillbilly to me.
Hillbilly? I have an idea.
Follow my lead.
Hey, mr. Kahn
them some fancy blue jeans
y'all's lady friend
is wearing.
They must be
city folk.
I just whipped up
a new batch of possum stew
i'd be willing
to share with you.
Don't worry.
I took off the feet.
What did
he just say?
All great chefs
doing that now.
Wolfgang puck cut the feet
off of everything.
(dale)
? i got my own fine wife
and i got my own fiddle ?
? sun's coming up,
i got gribble,
gribble, gribble ?
(all)
? life ain't nothing
but a funny, funny riddle ?
? thank god
i'm a country boy ??
They just day laborers.
They're putting in my deck.
[All laughing]
Our plan worked.
Spike, rudy, boomhauer,
let's check out
our new clubhouse.
You talking about everybod
y got a dang old nickname
except me, man.
Dang old odd man out, man.
All right, boomhauer.
What do you wanna be called?
B-dog.
(hank)
So, i figure if we
knock down that wall
and build
a new wall over there,
that'd be fun.
(bill)
Hey, a refrigerator.
Look, pop's last beer.
Huh.
To pops.
That son of a bitch
had a swimming pool?
Huh. I thought
i heard splashing.
How could
you not know?
You lived next door
to him for 18 years.
I thought
he lived
on a lake.
What lake?
.
It was none
of my business
(real estate agent)
So, you're the ones
who broke my lock box.
Uh, was the open house
canceled?
D
i'm sorry. This house
has already been rente
to a lovely
college student.
College student?
No college student's
gonna have a credit histor
y like mine.
[Door opening]
Here are your keys,
miss platter.
Welcome home.
Luanne?
Young lady, you had better
march right back
into hank's den.
That's your home
and that will always
be your home. Right, hank?
Luanne, welcome
to your new home.
(hank)
I'm not gonna be stingy
with the packing tape, luanne.
You tape away.
It's not that i want
to move, it's just tha
t i hate living here.
There's just
too many rules.
Yup.
Way too many rules.
Good-bye.
And if i
have to pay rent,
i'm not gonna sleep in a den
and share a bathtub
with a 12-year-old boy,
ok?
Rent? Excuse me.
Hank, did you pass
a new law while this hill
was not in session?
Just tied up
a rental loophole.
The important thing
is she's happy.
And i'm not paying
for it all alone.
See, this friend of mine
who got kicked out
of her apartment,
she had 3 roommates
who also got kicked out
of the apartment.
And she said
i could have them.
I don't know.
I just think that
i should move out
before we end up
hating each other.
Oh, luanne,
we could never hate--
she's making
a good point, peggy.
We lost everything
so fast.
.
And hank did
nothing to stop it
.
Like the swiss
how's your
precious den?
Visual confirmation.
Roommate number one.
Female.
(bill)
Dating a jarhead, huh?
My first choice
was the marines.
But i couldn't do
enough sit-ups
to be a marine corps barber.
Semper fi.
(hank)
Oh, great. We've got
a disco dancer.
Anyone can move slow.
[Whooshing]
[Car horn honking]
Hey.
Hey, guys
drinking beer.
You're in my
parking spot.
No, i don't think so.
This is where
we assemble.
Always has been.
Well, always has been
texas penal code49.02,
which prohibits
public drunkenness.
What are you
talking about?
Nobody's drunk here.
I don't know, hank.
I'm pretty buzzed.
My lease says
this is my space.
[Tires screeching]
[All exclaiming]
Thought so.
Gentlemen, i give you
roommate number 3.
I kind of like her.
[Sighing]
? hello ?
? how are things going
for you today? ?
[Exclaiming]
? don't you miss her ??
??[loud music playing]
.
(griffin)
Little help? Thank you
now you've got a lawsuit.
The audacity.
I have unplugged your house
from my house.
That's not very
neighborly of you.
You know,
when it hits a 105 degrees
and you wanna use my pool
and drink my soy shakes,
i'm gonna remember this.
Yeah? Well, there goes your
welcome wagon tool set.
You happy?
So, who'd like to meet
my other roommates?
[Giggling]
The manger babies.
This is sir reginald
featherbottom iii and...
oh.
I know what
you're thinking.
I perform
a christian puppet show--
ok.
We need to go to
the grocery store.
I already went
to the store
and sir reginald noticed how
expensive food is these days.
There's food?
They're not gonna
leave you a scrap,
what, what?
??[humming]
[Sighs]
One in the garage,
one in the den.
?
What you doing
oh, nothing.
Just, uh,
working on my den.
[Grunting]
[Exclaiming]
I always wanted a clubhous
e with a secret knock.
How about, uh...
no, that's the secret knock
at the gun club.
I don't wanna get confused.
How about this?
You know, part of the reason
i agreed to the clubhouse idea
was that one of
the bedrooms over there
was gonna be my private den.
.
And, well,
now that i've got my den..
[Clears throat]
Our clubhouse.
My den.
.
Yup, that's
the official knock
.
It'll hold us until
i can get a retina scanner
[sighing]
Hey, guys. I figured
out all the bills.
I used additions
and subtractions.
Ooh, wow, i'm gonna have t
o catch up with you later.
See, i have a bike race
coming up, and there's
gonna be this chick there
that i dig,
so i need to get a new shirt
that really sports my abs.
I mean, check it out.
Yeah, i can't pay this
right now either.
I'm going to vegas
this weekend.
Um, ok. Kate?
The phone bill is
pretty much 100 percent yours.
So, anyway, my little sister,
she borrowed my kangol hat.
Yes, i'm mad.
[T.v. Playing]
Listen, when i signed up
for phone service,
i signed a document
that said i would pay on time.
I swore it.
.
On my mother's maiden name
you're kind of
being a house nazi
right now, luanne.
Hello? I thought we agreed
no smoking in the house.
You know who else
had anti-smoking laws?
Uh, who was it?
Oh, yeah. Hitler!
[Coughing]
Nazi.
??[music playing on t.v.]
Luanne.
What's up, girlfriend?
I have not seen you
in the longest.
Oh.
Ok. You guys are finished
with dinner already.
Why? Are you hungry?
Luanne, are you eating?
Do you need money?
Get my purse.
No, no, no, no,
aunt peggy. No.
I'm on my own now
and i don't need
help from anyone.
Oh,
.
But i am doing
a book report on
what people eat for dinner
so, what did you eat?
Let me fix you
a to-go plate.
?
Hey, luanne.
What you got there
nothing.
This isn't mine.
It's nice to see luann
e once in a while.
Knowing she'll be leaving
kind of makes it
like a fun game.
There is nothing funny
about starvation,
except for
comic relief, of course.
[Doorbell rings]
Now, luanne is very proud
and may not accept
our charity,
but she's also very hungry
, so who knows?
Luanne is usually home
from work by now.
[Exclaiming]
(bobby)
Guys can shave
their legs, too?
That's very
interesting.
Peggy!
Bobby!
.
Sorry, dad
heads up. Der fuhrer
is home from work.
Whose turn is it
to take the trash out?
Don't make me
get out the chore wheel.
Oh.
Uncle hank, aunt peggy.
You're here.
.
We brought
a casserole for dinner
no, no, no, no, no,
i won't hear of it.
I'm on my own now,
and i can make you dinner.
Dinner. I'm on it.
Oh, crap. Dinner.
(luanne)
Where are the crackers?
Where is my macaroni?
And the cheese?
Where are my stick'ems?
[Screaming]
That is it!
Who ate all my food?
Come forward.
I needed a carbo load.
[Exclaiming]
Griffin! Eww!
We said no shaving
in the living room
unless it was
an emergency. Ugh.
Zieg heil.
When i think of
how many stupid
onion loaves i had to sell
e
so you people
could talk on the phon
and eat my cookies,
it makes me so...
[luanne grunting]
[Whispering]
Hank, maybe we
should intervene.
.
You go talk to
the german one
we have rules
in this house.
We all agreed
to them, people.
I'm counting at least...
12. 12 violations.
Oh, my god!
I have become you.
Oh.
I hate myself.
[Crying]
I'm worried
about luanne.
?
She hates herself
because she's become bobby
i mean, what's tha
t all about?
Hank, she was
pointing at you.
She's become you,
and that is why
she hates herself.
Oh, well,
then she's just crazy.
Hank, please talk to her.
I can hear her
crying in her room.
Her room? My den.
For all we know,
she could be laughing.
All right.
[Crying]
Why?
It is very sad to see people
take advantage
of the kindness of others.
Yes, it is.
All right.
Bill, dale, boomhauer,
get out. Come on.
Spike, dash, b-dog.
You know, back in your house
when you said:
"I've become you."
Yeah?
Well, you said it like,
"i've become you."
When, well, you probably
could have said it more like,
[softly]
"Hey, i've become you."
What?
You see, luanne,
a lot of good stuff
happened in the world
when people were like me.
Sure, they'll never
write a hollywood musical
about a fella
who keeps his yard
free of debris
.
And pays his bills on time
and the m.t.v.
Won't put on a video
about a man
who requires shoes
in the kitchen.
But it's because
of people like us--
i'm not like you.
This is just too much
for me!
Oh!
And all the bills,
,
and they mooch my food
and they're always
on the phone
and i just can't
take it anymore.
I can't stand
one more day.
They're wearing my socks,
uncle hank.
[Gasping]
Oh, god! Oh, god!
I need a paper bag.
Now, take it easy.
You didn't see me
getting all huffy
every time
you made me mad.
?
I made you mad
sure.
And you were 3 times
the pain in the butt
these kids are.
Oh, good.
Then you'll be able
to handle them for me.
Maybe i could,
but i don't wanna
give you a fish, luanne.
I wanna teach you
how to fish.
That way
you'll eat forever.
Hello, i'm with
the electric company.
Don't mind me.
I'll only be a minute.
[Sniffling]
I'm on break.
Please continue with
your private conversation.
Do not worry.
I am deaf and cannot hear
what you are saying.
You know, luanne,
you and i both wanted
a little place of our own.
I thought my den
would be my oasis.
But now the only place
i can get away from
the various annoyances
in my life is...
[dale slurping]
Is?
[Sighs]
Is my lawn.
When i'm out there mowing,
edging, watering,
even fertilizing,
nothing else matters.
Yup. That's what
you got to do, luanne.
Find yourself a project.
Find your own lawn.
That's it?
I couldn't help but overhear
your uncle's bad advice.
What?
Aha! It is i, dale gribble
, master of 1,000 faces.
You just met
face number 2:
The deaf electrician.
The only thing
your roommates
, i.e., enemies,
will understand is fear,
i.e., psychological warfare,
i.e., dirty tricks.
It worked for dick nixon.
Well, but--
for example,
get a hold of
some goat's blood.
Taint that blood.
Then when your
roommates need blood,
give them
the tainted goat's blood.
It's a perfect plan.
I don't wanna hurt anyone.
I just want them
to do the dishes.
Oh.
Well, in that case
, stack the dishes
in the shower.
That's the way nancy
gets me to do 'em.
[Grunts]
Luanne, do you mind?
Ugh, what are you doing?
Well, somebody left
a bunch of dishes
in the shower.
That's kind of rude.
Good lord,
i hate these people.
I know, jesus.
I know you told me
never to say "hate."
But i'm sorry, lord.
I really, really do.
??[humming]
Truth or dare?
Dare.
[Sighs]
Hey, uncle hank.
Guess what?
Right this second,
the p.h. Balance
in this pool
is absolutely perfect.
So, you found
yourself a project.
Do you get the same, uh,
high i get
from lawn care?
.
You know, i think i do
(girl)
Excuse me.
You didn't pay
your bills, did you?
Oh, well, luanne,
at least you tried.
Oh, i paid my bills.
And then i closed
all the accounts.
[Giggles]
If my roommates
want gas, water,
electricity, or a phone,
they can just open up
their own accounts.
Simple as that.
You know,
if you're ever up late
studying for a test
and you want
a little electricity,
i've still got
that extension cord.
No thanks, uncle hank.
You taught me
how to fish.
Yup.
Yup.
This place
looks terrible.
You ain't pops
.
Oh, that old guy?
Yeah, he died.
Dead?
Then i'm arresting you
for suspicion of murder.
Grab him, topsy.
Yeah. All right,
boy, you're coming with--
hey, get your hands
off me, you nazi.
Who are you calling a nazi?
[Screams]
All right, topsy,
let's roll.
(dale)
Truth or dare?
(bill)
Dare.
[Hank sighs]