King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 4, Episode 13 - Hanky Panky - full transcript

(man)Yeah, it's right over here.
I'll show you.

(woman)Honey, i'm gonna go
to the restroom.

Hey, dad, when you go
up to give your acceptance speech,

do you want me to
stand next to you

and pretend
i'm doing sign language?

Bobby,the blue flame of valor award
is the highest honor

the texas propane gas
association can bestow

upon any current or active
member in peacetime.

(hank)Show some respect.

Uh, mr. Strickland's
wife is beautiful.

(hank)That's not his wife.



(hank)That's debbie from work.

Pretty gal like that
should have been able to get a date.

[People chattering]

[Tapping]

I hope y'all
enjoyed your meal.

I haven't, uh, seen so much chicken in one room

since the democratic
national convention.

Nothing.

Now, the first blue flame
of valor of this millennium

goes to mr. Hank hill
of strickland propane.

(bobby)Yeah. Way to go, dad!

[All applauding]

[Clearing throat]

Thank you.



As a young boy,

i always dreamed
of winning the super bowl.

Then, as most of you know,

that dream was crushed
along with my ankle

in the class 2-a
state football championship.

Well, i knocked around
for a while and sowed my oats,

got a job at jeans west.

Long story short,
one day at j.w.,

i sold a pair of jordache

to a man who would
change my life.

To quote dr. Luther king,
i had another dream:

To sell propane
and propane accessories.

Dr. King.

Mmm-hmm.

the name of the man
and the distributorship

who made me dream again:
Strickland.

The "s" stands for service.

The "t" is for trust.

.
"R" is for reliability

now, the "i" stands for--

(mrs. Strickland)
Jackass!

[Exclaims]

No. No, it's for integrity

that's not even
the right letter.

(man)That's mrs. Strickland.
This ought to be good.

Now, miz liz,just calm down, here.

We-we're in public.

You are in public
with this little bimbo

in front of half
our christmas-card list.

Are those
my mother's earrings?

"C" is for, uh, compassion

i want you out of the house!

Yeah, but, sweetie--

and out of the lake house!

Out of the lake house?

I'm sorry i stole your thunder, hank.

Please, start over.

Uh, hmm... well, uh...

uh, now, where was i?

(man)"D" for done.

Hank, my office, pronto.

??[humming]

Morning, debbie.

Now, we gotta move fast.

Hank, give me whatever cash you got.

Uh-huh, son, you just bought
yourself a barbecue joint.

(hank)"I hereby transfer

100 percent ownership of
sugarfoot's barbecue to hank hill."

Yeah, that's right.
And after my divorce is final,

you'll therefore transfer 100 percent
ownership back to me.

Miz liz can't have
half of what i don't own,you see?

[Laughing]

You sabe,don't you?

Sir, i didn't even know
you own sugarfoot's.

That place is an institution,
i'll tell you what.

You got your sawdust on the floor

the brisket served up on butcher paper.

Yeah, yeah, dang it, hank,
this ain't poetry night.

Now don't worry.
The place runs itself.

The help makes the barbecue,
i make the money.

Now, go tell, uh,joe jack to come get
his new evinrude outboard,

and take roger his scimitar,
would you?

With the power vested in me
by the great state of texas,

i hereby notarize
this beer coaster.

(peggy)Congratulations, hank.

(peggy)You own
a barbecue restaurant.

And, because we live in
a community-property state, i own half.

So, in addition,
congratulations to me.

Now, listen here, children
. we're a family.

Now, daddy still calls the shots,

But debbie's your new mama

[exclaims]

Aw! Shoot!

Pleasant mornin' to all y'all.

My name's jewel crawford,
attorney at law.

I know all about you,
you sorry sack of sakrete.

Sticks and stones, buck.

That's all you're
gonna be left with.

Well, you must be
the adulteress co-respondent in this divorce.

Aren't you pretty.

I see how you could make
a weak man stupid.

[Giggling]
Thank you.

Judge yarborough
sends his best regards, and this.

It tells you when
you gotta leave,which is now,

and where you gotta go
, which is out.

There. You all caught up.

Ah, dang it, miz liz!
Leggo my eggos.

I'm sorry you had to
hear that, miz liz.

Now, you drag
yourself out that door

before my ostrich boot
puts your eggos back in the toaster.

Thank you, jewel.

[Muttering]

Debbie, you stay here.

I need you to be my eyes and ears.

I'm his eyes and ears.

Yes, but your butt belongs to me.

Because from now on,

i am the strickland
in strickland propane.

[Groans]

Uh, look, mrs. Strickland,
i believe in being direct,

so, uh, well,
can you just fire me now?

I figure you probably wanna
bring in your own people,and...

my people shop.
Relax, hank.

I and my lawyer want
this business to be profitable.

I can't do that
without you.

I need you on my team.

Hmm. Well, i do love teamwork.

Hank, what's the worst
job on this team?

Worst-paying or most degrading?

Ah, hell, it's the same
for both. Tank wipe.

Debbie, you're on tank wipe!

[People chattering]

(peggy)Ugh, sawdust.

(customer bobby)Hey, wayne.

(wayne)Hey, bobby.

Oh, this place has
so many possibilities.

Hello, my name is peggy hill.

I am the new
owner of sugarfoot's.

What happened to mr. Buck?

Oh, mr. Buck is going
through a nasty divorce.

So he sold this restaurant
to me and my husband

who will be a silent partner.

Ok. Nice meetin' you.

Well, i have not met you yet,

because you have not
told me your name.

Well, that there is alvin,
our sauce man.

Bubba,he serves the barbecue beans,

(little john)Okra, coleslaw,
what have you.

And that merrill.
She take the money.

I'm little john.I cut meat.

Well, it is very nice
to meet you, little john.

As my first order of business,

i want you to know that
you are no longer employees.

You are now teammates
on team peggy hill,

and i am your captain,peggy hill.

Uh-huh. That'd be fine

oh-oh.

[Grunting]

[Birds chirping]

Oh, i'm sorry.

I'm looking for building 25,
apartment 318-d.

This is it

Yeah, i'm in here, old top

huh, you know, debbie's place
is right next to sugarfoot's.

That's a coincidence.

No coincidence

i like to eat,i like to hump,
and i don't like to drive.

So i built sugarfoot's
next to the singles complex.

Have a seat.

That's my italian scattergun.

That gun, that saddle,them boots,

one measly box of cash.

That's all i can hide from my wife
and that damn jewel crawford.

Oh, ebay has a smokey and the bandit

screamin' eagle
black trans am hot wheels,

still in the blister pack.

Hey, buck,can i borrow $400?

This is debbie's roommate,laura.

It's gale.

Here's where i'm gonna stick
my "light my firebird."

You're gonna shut up now,
is what you're gonna do.

God dang it!
Are those my pecan sandies?

that was dinner.

Hank, let's do something nice
for our tummies, huh?

[Sighs]

Uh, what would you recommend
if none of this looks good?

Crepes saint jack.

And the florentine for madam.

[Sighs]

I can remember,

barely,

when waiters
didn't call me madam.

[Sobbing]

Uh, uh, looks like
you need a refill.

Oh, hank, i can forgive my husband's benders,

and the profanity,

and his inappropriate comfort
with all aspects of the human body.

But it's the women, hank.

My purse of forgiveness
is finally empty.

Oh, please,
don't make me choose sides

mr. Strickland's
been very good to me.

And i've worked for him as long as he's been
cheating on you.

We both deserve better, hank.

I'd like you to have this.

Hank rutherford hill.

I'm making you manager,
and i'm giving you a raise

wow! Manager?

Well, i--i hope you won't pass
the cost of my raise on to the customer.

[Laughing]You.

Ah, welcome to our
very first team meeting.

Now, this is our
new suggestion box.

It is a way for each of us
to anonymously suggest ways,

we can whip
this place into shape

without fear of losing your job.

[Rattling]

Oh, someone's already
made a suggestion.

This is exciting.

"Sweep out the sawdust
and put down carpet.

Carpettex is having another
going-out-of-business sale."

Excellent. Approved.

You know, that box would
work better if you cut a hole in the top.

Mmm-hmm, possibly.

Now, in addition
to the anonymous suggestion,

I have a few
thoughts of my own

alvin, when customers
walk into sugarfoot's,

What's their first thought?

"i'm hungry" ?

Uh-uh. It's, "why isn't this place good enough
to be a chain?"

Now, my own experience
tells me

that people are willing
to sacrifice individuality

for comfort and familiarity.

And in his autobiography,

wendy's founder
dave thomas agrees.

I like them square hamburgers.

Exactly. Now, everyone,
please open up your chore envelope.

[Phone ringing]

Hello.Oh, hi, mrs. Strickland.

Uh-huh?

A propane emergency?

[Clock chiming]

Come in, hank.There seems to be

A--a propane leak
in the master bathroom

huh. Is it the whirlpool
or the heater?

Huh, you're the professional.

I just know it's not
hot enough in there

yet.

Sounds like the heater.

Huh.

This might be electrical.

I knew you were
the right man for the job.

You know, i gotta be hones
t with you, miz liz.

I was worried when you took over at strickland.

Could you pass me
more of those bath beads?

Oh, sure.

And i didn't wanna have
to leave strickland.

Is that champagne?

And these are 2 glasses.

Huh.

Huh. Uh, yup. A backup glass,
in case one of them breaks.

Hank, let's get in there
and make some soup.

[Screams]

Oh, honey!
Oh, no, no, no, wait.

[Moaning]

Wait, wait.

(mrs. Strickland)Hank, i am so embarrassed
about last night.

You're a real gentleman,

and i was a little
less than a lady.

I'll try to be
patient with you,

and with my desires.

Uh-uh, well, you know,
there's no personal...

uggh...

it was my fault,and i'm turning
over a new leaf.

Now, here's your
new manager's uniform.

Put it on and let's go
into the showroom.

In recognition of his
dedication to this company,

i have promoted hank hill

to be the new manager
of strickland propane.

[All applauding]

[Man chuckles]

Boy-toy.

[All laughing]

Boy-toy? I don't even know
what that means.

It means you're
miz liz's debbie.

Hey.

See you around, debbie.

Judas h. Priest, debbie!

Did you shove
a cat down this drain?

I haven't had time to do
anything except be your wife's slave.

Buck, you gotta do somethin'.

You're on your own, debbie

i can't help you no more.

Well, i'm tired of wipin' tanks all day
to support this home

while you sit there like a king,

watchin' all my children
with gale. Jeez!

Now, i am not a history buff,

but i tell you,
i don't remember

louis xiv spendin' his days
pulling hippie hair out of drains!

You're out of
tortilla chips, buck.

Well, that's it.

Debbie, get me
my flip-flops.

I'm going to shave
in the pool.

[Car engine starting]

Poor peggy,doesn't suspect
a thing about miz liz.

There is nothing to suspect.

I haven't done
anything except my job.

Well, you can kiss
that goodbye

unless you kiss miz li
z in a pleasing manner.

You could call the equal employment
opportunity commission.

Or you could
just put out.

6 of one.

I'm not going to put out,
i'm not going to lose my job,

and i'm not going to let peggy
find out about any of this.

Dale, give me a cigarette.

I thought you quit because
cigarettes cause death.

They do, you know,
so pace yourself.

[Crickets chirping]

Need a light?

Ah. What the...

debbie?

What are you
doin' here?

Why are you
in your underwear?

I need you to protect me
from miz liz.

She hates me.

Well, you are having
an affair with her husband

No, i was havin'
an affair with my boss

you're my boss now.

Hank.

[Exclaims]

No, sir. I'm sorry,
but at this point in time,

i'm going to have to
reject your advances.

Hank, stop it!

Oh, god!

This ain't over!

Nobody rejects debbie grund.

Well, i just did.

You'll be sorry,
hank hill.

What the...mr. Strickland?

Well, well!
The plaintiff called me

gloatin' all about your little
rub-a-dub-dub in my tub.

Now, soup is good food, hank,

but keep your spoon
in your own bowl.

Sir, we go back 15 years.

And in all that time
i have only had one mistress,

and her name is propane.

Peggy and i have
an understanding about that.

Oh, heck, hank,i believe you.

I know you don't have sex.

Well, that is not exactly accurate.

I had it all, hank. I had
a good wife to mother me,

i had a pretty young girlfriend.

I was livin'like a frenchman.

But i blew it.

I lost my wife,and my money.

And now i want my wife
and my money back.

Mrs. Strickland, you told buck
that we made soup

when you know darn well
that we most certainly did not make soup.

Yes, hank, i did. I told him
we made a big bowl of "cream of us."

And for that, i'm sorry.

Cream of...

what kind of teamwork was that?

Buck and i have been doing
the same dance for 32 years.

I needed to dip him for a change.

I've never seen a man
so dipped in his life.

Oh, buck.

So you dragged my good name
through the dirt just to make buck jealous.

Oh, try and forgive me, hank.

you know what? In the name of forgiveness

why don't you let me
buy you dinner at sugarfoot's tonight?

6:00. yeah.

Yeah, forgiveness.

Buck, i thought
you might be in the mood

for something
besides spaghettios. Uh-huh?

How about meetin' me
at sugarfoot's for dinner?

Keep an eye
on your hidden assets?

Ok. I'll see you at 6:00.

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

(debbie)May i please speak to peggy?

No, i'm sorry.
Peggy's at sugarfoot's

can i take a message?

Tell her that debbie grund
slept with her husband.

Who is this?

It's debbie.

Remember me?

Put that old lady back on.

Maybe she can talk
some sense into you.

Oh, don't bother with that message.

Sugarfoot's is right across the street.

I'll tell your wife myself.

No, no, uh, you, uh,
you don't wanna do that.

Why not?

Well, uh, because then
it would make it even harder for us to, uh,

uh, pursue our relationship.

So we're gonna do it?

[Chuckling

uh, y-yes,we are going to do it.

[Chuckling]

I like it when you talk dirty.

Therefore, i'm now going
to drive over there, baby.

[Sighs]

I just had phone sex.

Welcome to peggy's sugarfoot's.

And how many in your party?

Bobby, quick!Where's your mother?

What the hell
happened to this place

[train whistle blowing]

Uh-uh, peggy, peggy,
have you seen debbie from work?

It is always about
your work, isn't it, hank?

Well, we're not at
strickland propane now

we are at peggy's sugarfoot's.

You haven't said one word
about how i've turned this place around.

Yo, miss peggy!

The choo-choo's
gone off the track.

That's 6 times a day that thing

gone off the track
that i know of.

Now, what the hell
happened to this place?

It's prissier than tony roma's.

Yeah, yeah.Why don't you take a seat?

Bobby.

[Gasps]

Miz liz?

Buck.

Oh, my god!

There used to be
a horseshoe over the door

that we took off a horse
on--on our honeymoon.

And these walls.They used to be

the same smoky color as your eyes.

What have they done
to sugarfoot's, sugarfoot?

Oh, why, you haven't called me
sugarfoot in years.

Buck, you got to promise me--

oh, sweetheart,baby, i know it. Don't you
worry about nothin'

because you know what?

Debbie is history.

Oh, my god! Debbie!
I've got to stop her.

[Knocking on door]

I gotta talk to debbie

Hmm-mm, everybody is gonna
love my new barbecue sauce

[gunshot]

What was that?

Hello? Is anybody there?

Hank, is that you?

Mr. Strickland? miz liz?

All right. Whoever you are,

we do not accept any bills
larger than $20.

[Gasps]

[Can lid squeaking]

[Screaming]

Debbie?Somebody shot debbie!

(joe)Boy-toy.