King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 3, Episode 9 - Pretty, Pretty Dresses - full transcript

[sobbing]

[sniffles]

[sobbing]

i do love
christmas.

i like to celebrate
the anniversary

of when lenore left me 7 years ago,
christmas eve.

best thing that ever
happened to me. yup.

well, that's nice,
bill.

yeah,
i tell you what.

holidays are the least
lonely time of the year.

[sobbing]



[sighing]

uh, heh,

you know,
i feel like eating
a cookie.

bill's always got some cookies
lying around, probably.

bill?

[door creaking]

oh, hank,hey, buddy.

i--i was just cleaning
for baby jesus' birthday.

well, good.

uh, i just wanted
to make sure

that you'll be coming over
for dinner,

you know,until the holidays
are over.

oh, yeah, i'm coming.

i cleared my calendar right through
the end of the year



and a good chunk of the next.

bill, these old gifts
aren't for lenore,are they?

no.

[chuckling]

yes, but she'll come back
and be happy i saved everything.

[sighing]

bill, you've got
to face the facts.she's not...

[sniffing]

well, it's very unlikely
that, uh...

[crying]

well, i--i guess you never know.

freakish things do happen.

yes, they do.thank you.

i've received a few more responses
for our party.

rudy beeker, yes-v.p.

all this talk about
people makes me...

you know what it
makes me think about?

break-ups.

you ever think about
that dead boyfriend of yours?

well--

i wonder if you'll
ever find someone again.

i mean, most people just get one relationship
in this life.

luanne, honey,can you help me serve
at the party?

you were such a wonderful hostess
last year.

[stammering]

what?

i can help, mom.

i'll be the hostess
with the mostess.

[sighs]

let's see, mary,
margaret...

what--what's the name
of that girl who dumped you, bobby?

marie.

marie. yeah,she was cute.

maybe we could talk
about something else, huh?

oh, yeah, sure.

remember bob cecil, peggy?

you went to a basketball game
together.

you liked him.

well, that was 10th grade.
no, i didn't.

yeah, you did.
but he didn't like you.

uh, shouldn't you
be doing this?

he likes serving.

oh, after last night,
it is a miracle

i have my appetite
back at all.

i just don't see why bill must ruin
all of our dinners

personally,i can live without him.

me, too.

peggy, a little more
than 20 years ago,

i set arlen high's
single-season rushing record.

sure, i had legs
like a jackrabbit,

but bill dauterive
blocked for me.

and the running back
who forgets his front line

that's the man i wouldn't want
to have to dinner.

shame on you.
shame on you both.

(bill)
here you go, darling.
come on.

mmm. mmm. mmm.

come on, eat up.

so, uh, were they all out
of dogs there, bill?

no, no, iguanas are
very trendy these days

you see them in cigar bars
with movie stars.

come on.come on, lenore.

you've named it lenore?

well, yeah, i--i thought
it looked like a lenore.

i think he's just not
very hungry right now.

i mean, with so many
new people.

uh, oh, should i leave?

thank you.

(bill)
don't worry. it's dead

[all gasping]

i cannot eat another meal with bill
at our dinner table.

why? bill seemed
a lot happier tonight.

honey, that iguana
is a cry for help.

a hissing,disease-ridden cry
for help.

luanne, knock!

i had a bad dream.

[gasps]
bill.

i dreamt that lenore came back
and stole lenore.

and then lenore
drove off with lenore,

and i ran down the street
after them

and i yelled,
"lenore! lenore!"

and then my teeth
fell out.

peggy, you were there.

can i sleep
in your living room?

[sighing]

yes, bill.

i'm giving you
24 hours

to get me out
of that man's dreams.

shall we?

[sighing]

no.

[iguana hissing]
you need a minute?

uh, bill,

i want to have dinner tonight,
just the family.

you don't want me
coming to dinner?

why don't you
just take the night

no offense to your family

oh, it is
just so wonderful.

the food even smells better

oh.
[plate shattering]

[sighs]

[moans]

[hank chuckles]

and then the clint eastwood character
would say:

"that propane tank is empty."

wouldn't that
be a good movie?

good? that would be
a great movie.

and would you
direct it, uncle hank?

yeah, me maybe,
or your aunt peggy.

did i ever tell you
all about how they...

[sniffling]

dang!

my 10-footer's gone.
dale!

or bill!probably dale!

what you doing there, bill?

satellite dish trouble?

no, i'm just up here
to kill myself.

what?

[grunting]

[groans]

no!

you know who i feel
sorriest for in all this?

bill. we need to find him
a psychiatrist.

he's just suicidal,
peggy, he's not crazy.

we've just gotta
watch him constantly

until he snaps out of it.

i don't think bill
is gonna snap out of it.

there's nothing
we can do

but sit back and watch
the bloodbath.

no, he's our friend.

now, dale, you make your own hours,

so you take the day shift.

i'll take nights.

boomhauer, late afternoon
to early evening.

can i have
another codeine, please?

(dale)
quiet, bill.

we're trying to
do something here.

[sighs]

so, uh...

huh.

this shouldn't be here.

so, uh,maybe you ought to
get to bed

and try to sleep
this thing off.

all i do is sleep.

i guess i'm just getting
in practice, huh,

for the big long sleep.

[exclaiming]

come on, bill.
how about a beer?

beer's a depressant, hank.

don't go blaming the beer.

[sighing]

it's electric, bill.

yeah, but it's still
getting pretty hot.

oh.

[moans]

[door opening]

[grunting]

all right,we'll do this the hard way.

where do you keep
your pajamas?

[snorts]

ok, you want baseball players
or the...

hey, what's this
fancy one?

i like the way silk feels
on my skin.

silk is for pantyhose, bill.

they're all i got.
you've got a wife!

put 'em on.

no, i don't want to.

arms up.

[mumbling incoherently]

rinse.

[snoring]

[grunting]

ow.

damn it, bill!

[moaning]

(dale)
nuh-uh.

but i have to tinkle.

not on my watch.

??[country music playing]

oh.

lenore and i
used to come here

and watch people
dance like that.

[whimpering]

[sobbing]

stop!

[horn blaring]

no.

[moans]

[t.v. playing]

i can't keep this up.

it's not in my nature
to care about others.

yeah, man.that old routine, man.
talking about no free time.

work. bill. work. bill.
work. bill.

put an old bullet
in my own head, man.

ok, i'll take over
your guys' shifts.

i just gotta work it out
with my boss.

dale,
what are you wearing?

nothing.

that's bill's pajama top.

he's as good as dead.
what's the difference?

sir, you know
how i hate missing work

during the holidays,
but i got a--

it's your christmas party,
right?

yeah. you need
some time to set up.

well, get it right

you invited our whole dang
client sheet.

uh, no, actually,
it concerns a friend of mine,

and, well, it's a matter
of life or death, really.

yeah. yeah. yeah.just wrap it up
one way or t'other

and have donna zero out
your vacation days

dang it, bill!

[sighs]

i haven't slept in 2 days.

this morning bill tried to drown himself
in the toilet.

so do you think you could find him
a date?

uh, i would have to invite a woman
over for dinner

and, of course,never tell her
that bill would be here.

thanks, peggy.

[crickets chirping]

they won't
let me have a knife.

i'm in the middle
of killing myself.

do you like iguanas,
mrs. tobis?

you lied to me, peggy.

mr. dauterive is a collector
of exotic reptilia

you collect
throw pillows.

i have some pillow
s on my couch,

but that doesn't
make me insane.

and in answer
to your question,

i find iguanas to be filthy,
repulsive creatures.

why, i think we all could use
a bath.

[gasps]

well, when it's your own.

you are a gross man.

sheila!

marry me.

bill.

oh, this is so exciting.

i just want my coat.

for the love of god,
get me my coat.

allow me.

[both gasp]

lenore, don't leave me!

[wailing]

[bill moans]

sheila,i should tell you
right now,

i have already given him
your number.

[blubbering]

[grunting]

dale.

he would have
wanted me to have it.

he's still alive.

nitpicking ain't
gonna bring him back.

[sobbing]

help me. hank, help me.
help me look for lenore.

bill, can't you see that this whole lenore thing is your problem?

the iguana,these presents
, this old tree.

get rid of this stuff.

no. no, i couldn't.
i couldn't.

see, when--when
she comes back--

she's never coming back.
it's so obvious.

she doesn't want
this stupid stocking.

no!

or whatever's in this box.

no.

or this.

[whimpers]

or this.

no.

there.

[gasps]

[sighs]

you feel ok?

i don't feel anything.

great, i knew
you'd snap out of this.

uh, sure you're ok?

yes.

good.

now i can tell you,

you were acting
pretty weird there.

yes.

ok, then.
i'll see you tomorrow.

i was really hard on him
but it was all for the best.

can you imagine if he'd shown up
at our party with lenore?

well, are you sure he's ok?

i asked him twice.

well, there's
that lizard.

hey. hey, who are you?

?
what are you doing
in bill's backyard

[feminine voice]
hank, don't you
recognize me?

i'm lenore.

what is going on?

well, i'm just washing a dress
for your big party, silly.

bill, take off
the dress.

why do you keep
calling me bill?

my name is lenore, silly.

i've come back
because i love bill so much

and i really missed him.

no, uh-uh,
this is too much.

,
in high school,
you blocked for me

but i did my job, too.

i ran through the hole

setting arlen high's
single-season rushing record,

as you recall.

and now here i am
blocking for you,

but you're not even trying.

i don't even know what kind of game
you're playing.

maybe some kind
of crazy tennis.

hank, ok, then.
nice visiting with you.

see you at the party.

no. no,you stay away
from my party.

no party.you got that?

i'm already invited,
so there.

oh, hello.

do you gentlemen think you could spare
a beer for a lady?

come on,you know you're bill.

no, no,i don't know that.
i'm--i'm lenore.

well, if you're lenore
, then where's bill, huh?

uh, bill's in the house.

[giggles]

you want me to go get him?

i'm skeptical
that you could,

yet intrigued
that you may.

bill's been acting a little weird lately,
don't you think?

maybe it's me.

uh, bill's busy.

[clears throat]

i needed a wrap.
it's chilly.

yup.

all right,
that's it.

(peggy)
honey, you're peeling
in anger.

you should be able
to get more than one french fry

out of a whole idaho.

yeah, maybe i am angry.

i used my vacation days
bathing the son of a bitch,

and he threatens
to crash my christmas party.

he's not being
an ingrate on purpose.

the only way that bill could get lenore
back was to become her.

mmm-hmm.
i wouldn't be surprised

if there was some
psychological basis to it.

well, i don't know anything
about psychology

but it sounds to me
like mr. dauterive needs closure.

he needs to realize
that lenore's never coming back,

and he needs to just move on
with his life.

it's the same thing
buckley's angel told me.

buckley's angel is the only on
e making sense.

[gasps]

how about i invite the real lenore
to the party

and just settle this thing
once and for all?

oh, i hope it works,

but if they show up in the same dress,

it'll be a disaster.

??[country music playing]

listen, hank,
we got all our clients here.

big fish, little fish.

so, if you see some little fish
cornering me,

it's your job
to pull me out.

we should treat all our clients

like big fish,
mr. strickland

yeah. good, good.
save that for the little fish.

(hank)
damn it.

[gasps]

[gasps]

may i offer you a homemade tater tot,
mr. and mrs. dauterive?

why, thanks.

what the hell's
going on here, hank?

i ordered a santa.
this is some kind of mistake.

[whispering]
bill, get out.

lenore.
bill.

i want to stay
and mingle.

lenore, who is me,
sure does love a party.

party, party!

phone call for you, mom.

hello.

lenore? hold on.

bill, it's the real lenore.

[gasps]

what?

oh, honey,
but you have to come by.

ok, how about i
hand bill the phone?

it would really help...

well, if you could
just tell him you send your love...

yeah, sure.
no, i understand.

never mind, bill.

[whimpering]

(man #1)
my god, look at that guy.

(woman #2)
is this a joke?

'cause if it is,
i don't get it.

(man #2)
he's a freak.

i tell you what, man,
it's getting ugly in here, man.

these people coming
get bill in a dress,

get the ass-whupping
on him.

[bill continues whimpering]

go back to hollywood.

this isn't the democratic
national convention.

you crashed
the wrong party,
honey.

(man #6)
this is strickland propane.

[all complaining]

(man #7)
take off this dress, buddy.
you're scaring me.

(hank)
yeah, now we're having fun.

yeah, that's right.
it's that kind of party.

anything goes.extra fun.

[whooping]

hank, this wasn't
on my invitation.

did you make bill
a special invitation?

stop it! stop it!
stop it! stop it! stop it!

[all gasping]

okey-dokey.everyone,
let's play boggle, huh?

it's not usually played
with such a large group

but it's christmas,

so let's sing a song.

[sobbing]

stop teasing me.

bill, i am lenore,
and i don't love you.

no, hank, i'm lenore.

i've left you forever
because you're lazy and no-good.

lenore.

we fight so loud
all the neighbors can hear.

we fight during the day,
we fight during the night.

lenore, wait.
we can work stuff out.

i'm a good husband.

bill, if i wanted to work things out,
i would have called.

.
i don't love you
anymore. that's it

i don't love you.

that's all?

that's why you left?
it's simple as that?

you didn't even
have the courtesy

to send me
a dear john letter?

well, i tell you what,
i consider that rude.

and i'll tell you something,
i am worth a dear john letter.

i'll tell you that
right now.

and there are a lot of women
who would agree with me.

so, you know what?
you go ahead. you get out! get out!

you don't,you don't deserve

william fontaine delatur dauterive.

ok, bill,that's what
i'm doing then

i hit rock bottom there,
didn't i, hank?

and hard.

then it's all uphill
from now on.

yup. the wind's
at your back, buddy.

merry christmas.

[stuttering]

[feminine voice]
why do you keep
calling me bill?