King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 2, Episode 13 - Snow Job - full transcript

Hank calls into question his loyalty to Propane and the direction of his life after he finds out Buck Strickland owns an electric range.

[theme music]

[people chattering]

I'm Buck Strickland,
and if you don't recognize me

you're at the wrong event.

[people laughing]

Now, the assistant managers

of the 5 Strickland
Propane branches and I

welcome you all
to our annual winter picnic.

We have gathered here
to celebrate propane.

God's gas.

And who could ignite
the celebration better



than our senior
assistant manager, Mr. Hank hill?

Hank, could you do the honors?

I'd be honored.

[wind howling]

Well, hurry up, Hank,
turn winter into summer.

[people clapping]

[all cheering]

[whistling]

[sizzling]

Ha!

Wow, Mr. Strickland.

It's like you always find
the exact right moment

to flip those burgers.

And I think you'll also find that
now is the exact right moment



for my total quality
management proposal.

Oh, for god's sake.

Hey, Vickers! Who do you like
for the Super Bowl next year?

The Dupey-Loopies
or the Shimmy-Shammies?

[laughing]

Okay. Okay. Very funny.
But I like the Bills.

[both laughing]

[people chattering]

[bird cawing]

[gasps]

Look, Mom, ash.

There must be
a volcano somewhere.

Huh?

PEGGY:
It--it--it's snowing!

Oh, no!

MAN:
It can't be.

Ok, I have been through this
before in Montana.

Now, nobody lick any flag poles.

Snow?

Texans aren't prepared
for this kind of nightmare, sir.

We gotta work fast.

I'll unlock the gas reserves,
while you rally the troops.

All right,
choke it down, people!

This is a propane emergency.
No time for chewin'.

If we don't get heat to the people,

you can bet the electric company will.

[tires screeching]

Joe Jack,
fire up the bobtail truck!

Don't be a hero, Hank.

It's too late.

Can I come too, Dad?

You bet, son.

If you can catch
a bobtail on the fly,

you're welcome
at Strickland Propane.

Come on.

[panting]

Slow down, Joe Jack.

Slow way down. Slower.

Just stop the truck.

[air brake huffing]

[humming]

Whee,

it's a winter wonderland!

Whee!

I tell you what, man.
Don't go down to Antarctica.

Ain't gonna get
that dang thing to work

with a little big
old bottom like he got.

Whee!

N-no, ma'am,
propane will not freeze.

Good news, Buck.

We can get propane
to the nursing homes

by diverting it away
from the Museum of Modern Art.

If anyone asks,
it was a tough choice.

[laughs]

Uh-huh,

that's why your dad's
one of the greats.

Just watch and learn, son.

Maybe someday
you'll be sittin' in that seat.

Then where would he sit?

The way things are goin',
he'll be in the boss's chair.

Ho-ho, no, sir. I'll just
keep the chair I have

and wheel it over to your desk
when the time comes.

Whew, I'm beat. I think
I'm gonna call it a day.

I just gotta finish up
my paperwork.

There. Finished.

Hey, Dad.

How come I never
got a Strickland calendar?

Uh, that's not for you, bobby.
You're not old enough.

Why, hello, Miss November.

You be careful.
That's flammable.

[laughing]

Uh, Bobby,

why don't you go on outside
and make snow angels?

Okay.

[door opens]

Oh, hey, speakin' of angels,
look at the-- look at the wings

on this piece of chicken,
would you?

[laughing]

Whoo!

Well, she certainly is attractive, sir.

But I'm not sure
that's an appropriate way

to be talkin' about
our cleaning lady.

[vehicle approaching]

[wheezing]

Merry Christmas!

I see your stockings
are sure hung with care.

[laughing]

Oh, ow!

Uh--uh, Buck!

God dangit!
I'm having an infarction.

What?
Jesus!

No! Oh, my god!
I'll call an ambulance.

We'll get to the hospital.

Hang on, Buck.

We still got a lot of propane
to sell together.

Hello, em-emergency room,
please.

[grunting]

Darn it, no.

[wheezing]

Mr. Strickland, you gotta
use both arms, like me.

[wheezing]

HANK:
What do you think?

If I show up at the hospital
with a tie on,

it's kind of ghoulish.

It's like sayin',
“Why aren't you dead yet?"

On the other hand,
we are in a crisis,

and I will have
to give orders.

See? You are already thinkin'
like a man in charge.

Oh, this is so exciting.

Save the tie for the funeral.

[grunting]

Everybody listen up.
Strickland is a family.

I'm like the daddy, and the
daddy ain't feelin' so good.

So, it's up to you kids
to become leaders.

Make sure daddy's business
don't get run into the ground.

Do you work for me?

Yes, sir, Mr. Strickland.

I'm your daddy.

All 5 of you kids
are goin' to have to pitch in.

Take--take on some
added responsibility.

Could you ladies step outside
for a minute, please?

I--I got a shot comin',
and it's just rude, you know,

to make 2 such pretty gals
stare at my bare backside.

[all laughing]

All right, now that the skirts
are out in the hallway,

we can get down to business.

One of you
has to run the company.

Hank, you're my
right-hand man.

I need you
to feed my hounds.

Uh...

Promise me you'll take care
of my hounds, Hank.

Uh, I'll take
care of them. Sure.

Tell me that you
will love them, Hank.

I'll--I'll... All right,
I'll do so.

Vickers, you run the company.

The whole shebang.

Lets see what that fancy
business degree of yours is worth.

You betcha.

You're puttin' him in charge?

M-mr. Strickland, I've been
with the company 15 years.

Hank, I let you light the grill.

Right now, my hounds
are starvin'.

[pulse monitor beeping]

[sighs]

[grunts]

I bought enough canned food

to last us through this storm
and the civil unrest

that will inevitably follow.

Hope you like water chestnuts.

[children yelling]

Uh, hey, neighbor!

I brought you somethin'.

Water chestnuts.

Oh, thank you.

As a matter of fact, there is
somethin' you can give me in return.

I only have a 3-week
supply of propane.

But you'll get Hank to hook me up.

You owe me.

Well, I'm sorry, Dale.

Hank may be in charge now,

but you are not goin' to get
any special treatment.

Hank's priorities are propane
first, family second,

friends third, in that order.

Fine. I'll just have to barter for it.

[Bill exclaiming]

Bill, you like pumpkin pie fillin'?

Hank!

What's goin' on, Hank?

[exhales]

Strickland picked Lloyd Vickers
as interim manager.

What? W-w-why, that suck-up's
not even fit to feed Strickland's dogs.

Uh…

Actually, that's
my department now.

Oh, well…

I'm sure it has
its own set of challenges.

Does anyone know
what this means?

You're gonna be
doing drug testing?

You're thinking of P.C.P.
And, yes, we are.

P.D.P.: “Peak Demand Pricing."

This weather has created
a propane shortage

therefore, market forces dictate
that we raise our prices.

In business school, that's
called "supply and demand."

Yeah, well, in the real
world that's called

stickin' it to people
when they need us most.

Uh, Hank,

can we "dialogue" for a second?

I know this must be difficult for you.

So I'm working out some flex time

so you can feed Mr. Strickland's
dogs, and clean their mess.

Look, let me tell you somethin'
you can only learn from experience.

You got to treat
people with respect.

You know who taught me that?
Buck Strickland.

He has the nerve
to give me "flex time."

That's what they give pregnant
women, and other disableds.

I don't know, Hank.
Sounds like he's just trying to empower you.

See, that's the fifth building block
of total quality management.

Mmm-hmm.
Yep.

Well, you won't be so
quick to defend this guy

when he raises propane prices
10 cents a gallon.

ALL:
10 cents?

What?

What about my
dang old hot tub, man?

Well, I tell you what. When
Strickland gets back from the hospital

and finds out about this, he's gonna
have another heart attack.

Someone's gotta teach
that Vickers a lesson.

If you want, I can show you
how to make a bomb

out of a roll of toilet paper
and a stick of dynamite.

Why didn't Buck Strickland
pick you to be boss, Dad?

[sighs]
Well, uh…

Sometimes in life, uh...

Uh, curve ball and such, uh...

Uh...

Uh, that's your ride, boy.

Hey, Joe Jack,

can you give my boy a lift home?

Sorry, Hank.

Damn Vickers put tattlers
in the trucks now.

What? He can't do that.

What's a tattler?

It's a meter that tells the boss

when the driver stops,
and for how long.

It's designed to prevent goof-offs,

lunch breaks,
unscheduled stops.

All the things the drivers' union
fought so hard for.

[dogs barking]

Meow, look at me,
I'm a kitty.

Meow!

PEGGY:
Meow! Meow!
Look at me, I'm a kitty.

Meow! Meow!

Meow! Meow! Meow!

Good dog. Look at me.
I've got whiskers. I'm a kitty cat.

Run, honey.
They've seen you.

[dogs barking]

[gasps]

[groaning]

This is ridiculous.

There's a snow crisis goin' on.

And I'm sittin' here
scrubbin' off dog slobber.

Do not blame yourself.

Strickland is the fool
who passed you over.

Well, no one bats a 1000.
Strickland's a good man.

He's the only
other guy at the firm

who has the same passion
for propane that I do.

Oh...

My lord!

What?

The stove.

It's not propane.
It's electric.

No.

Yes.

Well, it'd better be self-cleanin',

because I think I'm gonna vomit.

How could you, sir?

How could you buy
an electric stove

after everything
propane has given you?

Dang it, Hank, we're both
men of the world.

I've got a whole bunch
of electric appliances.

They came with the house.

But, Mr. Strickland, you've always
said that propane is god's gas.

It's a higher calling.

Oh, hell, Hank.
It's just a business.

It's about makin' as much money
as you can, while you can.

That's why I let Vickers
put in them tattlers.

What? You knew about that?

Well, sure. I've been usin'
tattlers off and on for years.

Hell, back in the old days,
we used midgets.

Stuck them behind the seats with
a bucket of ice to keep them cool.

That's till OSHA came in

and put them poor
little people on the street.

That's what they like to be called, Hank.
“Little people."

The 15 years I've worked with you

have been the happiest years
of my life.

Now I find out, it was all a lie.

I never thought I would say this,

but, Mr. Strickland, I'm not
comin' into work tomorrow.

You mean, you quit,

or are you takin' a personal day?

You heard me.

I just need a couple days
up at the lake

to figure out what I was
meant to do in this life.

I've been takin' a good hard
look at the propane business

and it's sort of like seein'
a woman with her make-up off.

Sharona Johnson came to beauty
school once with her make-up off

and nobody told her.

[giggling]

Hmm, that was mean.

Dad, I got the stove.

Where's the propane thingy
that goes into it?

Put it back, son.

There's no room for
propane on this trip.

Now, listen to me, Joe Jack.

We're just 2 steps
from win-win.

Step 1: You put
the tattler boxes back
in the trucks.

Step 2: You keep your jobs.

Oh, I got a 3rd step
for you, honey. We quit.

[drivers agreeing]

Fine. Quit.

I've got a whole alumni newsletter

full of friends I can call on.

They'll drive those trucks
just for the life experience.

[snickering]

And I guess your friends
are HazMat certified, too.

HazMat?

Hazardous materials,
Vickers! You moron!

you need a special license
to drive a propane truck!

It's all right, sir.
I--I can get to "yes."

I'll hire a new batch
of drivers right away.

You listen to me,
goddang it!

It's the goddang
height of the season.

There's no drivers from here
to goddang city.

(screaming)
You're fired!

Here you go, sister.

I told you we should have
stopped at the Mega Lo Mart.

They don't even have a
separate candy department here.

Bobby hill, we are at a remote
cabin out in the wilderness.

We will make our own candy.

Hank, what are you doing?

Put it down.
Now, someone might see.

Come on, Peggy.

Haven't you ever
wondered what it's like

to barbecue with charcoal?

You mean without propane?
But I don't think that--

[briquettes rustling]

Well…

Well, yeah,
I guess I am curious.

PEGGY: [on answering machine]
This is the Hill residence.

Please leave a message
at the beep.

[beeping]

Hank, it's your old buddy
Buck Strickland.

That Vickers
mucked things up worse

than Jack Kennedy at Piggy Bay.

So, I got no drivers.

I got no right-hand man!
I need you, old top.

I need you bad.

[cash register ringing]

Comes to $21.24.

Uh, darn!

I only got a $20.
I'll just run out to the car.

$20's close enough.

We don't care
about $1 here or there.

“People before pennies,"
I always say.

Hmm, well, thank you, friend.
You're good people.

[door opens]

“We don't care
about $1 here or there."

Now I know
why they call you "pa,”

'cause you're pa-thetic.

And I know
why they call you "ma,”

'cause you're always
riding ma ass.

[beeps]

Hank, it's Rudy over
at Goobersmooches restaurant.

I got no propane for my stoves.

I--I'm lookin' at 20 pounds
of rotten rib eye.

[sighs]

[squirrel chattering]

I saved your life, Dad.

Huh?

I saved your life.

I was gonna push you in,
and then I saved your life.

You were goin' to push me in?

It was a joke.

[ducks quacking]

[squealing]

I said, do not disturb him.

Oh!

Shopkeeper:
We don't care about
$1 here or there.

“People before pennies."

People. Of course.

People.

Peggy, Peggy.

What? What is it?

Pack up the car.
I figured it all out.

It's not about tattler boxes,
or who's in charge.

It's about service with a smile,
and makin' people happy.

Oh, I knew it. You are
goin' back to Strickland.

Hell, no. I'm gonna open up
a general store.

Escuchame?

You see, everything
I thought I'd find in propane,

it isn't there.

It's in the general store, where
they put people before pennies.

A fella's got no money,
he can't pay his bill?

Well, that's
good enough for us.

and then, that fella will tell another,
and before you know it,

I'll have customers lined up
around the block.

Bobby, Bobby,
get out here, boy!

I'm leavin' the propane business,

and openin' up a general store.

Okay.

I can't do it alone, Peggy.

General stores are “Ma and Pa."

If you're not there, people're
gonna make assumptions, like:

“Did Pa kill Ma?"

They aren't gonna wanna
buy batteries from me,

if they think you're back in the
freezer hanging from a meat hook.

Am I wrong?

I don't know.
I don't know.

People do need batteries,
but this is just all happenin' so fast.

Will you think about it, Ma?

We could have a section for books.
Children's books!

And we wouldn't even
have to charge for them

as long as the kids
brought them back.

That's a great idea, Peggy.
Kids are people.

You see, you've come up

with a whole new
customer base for our store.

Oh, well...

Oh, what the “H”!
You know what? I'll do it.

I'm gonna go type
my letter of resignation

to the Arlen school board
right now.

I guess I had better
write my letter, too.

“It is with regret...

[beeps]

Hank, it's Velma Throckmorton.

My hands froze to my walker, and
I had to thaw them in the microwave.

I need my propane.

“It is with deep regret...

[beeps]

Uh, Mr. Hill, it's Hugh Jimmerson.
My heat's gone out.

I've tried wearin' turtlenecks,
but they make me look French.

Where are your trucks?

“It is with very deep regret...

[beeps]

Mr. Hill, it's Leta Anderson.

All 3 kids got the croup,
and I'm clear out of propane.

It's cold.
It's real cold.

PEGGY:
All finished, Hank!

Okay.

Here it is.
One resignation letter,

signed and self-notarized.

Hank?

HANK:
“Peggy, went back to work.
Love, Hank Hill."

[moaning]

Uh, is that you, Hank?

You come back to dance
on my grave?

No, sir, I don't
feel much like dancing.

There's a town in crisis out there,

and they need propane.

That ain't gonna happen, Hank.

Vickers screwed everything up.
All our drivers quit.

A real propane man
doesn't know the word "quit."

Well, I don't know how they said it.

But them drivers
ain't workin' here no more.

And you and me can't
drive them propane trucks

because we don't
have HazMat licenses.

It's all over.

No, it ain't.

You don't need any HazMat
license to drive a tow truck.

[people cheering]

[truck horn honking]

[cheering]

[cheering]

[laughing]

[gasps]

Saved your life, Dad.

[Hank laughing]

“Saved my life."
Now I get it.

[sighing]

PEGGY:
Look at me, I'm a kitty! Meow!