King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 13, Episode 8 - Lucky See, Monkey Do - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

Thank you for helping us

register for our baby
shower, Aunt Peggy.

Well, when I heard you planned
to get all your baby supplies

at 7-Eleven, I decided
it was time to step in.

There are plenty of times
that I wish I had a device

to hold me upright
in the bathtub.

Got it.

I can't believe that
in less than two weeks

I will have a
teeny-tiny little baby!

There's still
so much I don't know.



Well, you don't have
to know anything...

Because I will be
giving you and Lucky

the greatest gift of all:

my 13 years of experience
as a mother!

And a real gift, too, right?

Of course.
Thank you, Aunt Peggy!

I guess all I have to worry
about is giving birth,

and you'll teach me
how to do everything else.

That is right.

And take it from me,
giving birth, Luanne,

will be one of
the best days of your life.

It was for me,
thanks to modern medicine.

Okay, honey, I'm gonna give you
a little something for the pain.

Don't worry, Peggy,



I'm here for you.

I did not fully wake up

until the ride home
from the hospital.

That's what I want,
Aunt Peggy...

A foggy memory I can
treasure for a lifetime.

Welcome to Want-A Burger.

I'm Jane. May I take your order?

You may. I'd like a triple-meat,
triple-cheese meal

with hot lemon pie
and a large soda. That's...

That's all the sodas

mixed together?

You... know what I want?

Of course I do...
You're a regular, honey.

"Honey"?

You're not Jane!

Who's Jane?

The drive-thru lady.

We sort of have a thing.

Ah. Well, I'm not supposed
to say anything,

but the drive-thru people
don't actually work here.

But I talk to her every night.

Well, they work out of a call
center in Buckeye, Arizona.

It's cheaper that way.

Arizona?

Well, then...
that's where I'll go.

I'll go to Arizona and find her
and tell her how I feel.

Okay. I'm
really gonna do it!

Knock yourself out, sir.

Isn't that sweet?

All right,

time for another game...
Give the paper a tug.

I don't know what this game is,
but I bet I win.

Watch this!

For every one of them squares,
you owe that baby ten bucks!

But...

I'm just a kid.

You best pay up, son.

This is a rough-looking crowd.

Yeah. Maybe they'd
all feel more at home

if I served the cake
up on cinder blocks.

That must be my baby sister.

Notice how I waited
to get drunk?

No wonder
she's the last one here.

Most tractors won't go
over ten miles an hour.

Hey, baby sis!

Luanne,

this is Myrna.

Myrna, this is
my beautiful wife Luanne.

And this is our beautiful baby.

Well, I hope.

Well, it's great to finally
meet the both of you.

And you must be Peggy.

Thank you for inviting me
into your lovely home.

You're welcome.

And I bet these little ones

would like some juice.

They aren't allowed
to drink juice.

They'll have water
and read a book.

Those kids ain't right.

I must admit,
you're not what I expected.

I thought you'd be a lot more...

Rustic?

What a polite way to say
what I was thinking.

I wasn't happy with the environment
in which Lucky and I were raised.

All our family dinners were
preceded by my father saying,

"Hey, look what I found!"

Well, score one for nurture.

Oh, and you don't have
to worry about these two.

I live right across the street,

and I am teaching them everything
I know about raising a child.

Between you and me,

when Lucky called and said
he was going to be a father,

I-I cried, right there
in yoga class.

See this scar?

It's where my head
hit the coffee table

when Luanne told me.

Did you know Lucky
once served me

something he called
"fancy squirrel"?

That is nothing.

Luanne once got stuck
on an escalator.

Well, thank
God they have us.

I hear that.

Bill, I know
you're pretty fired up

about driving to Arizona
for love and whatnot,

but you ought to consider
your other option:

not driving to Arizona.

What Jane and I have
is special, Hank.

Too special to let New Mexico
keep us apart.

So long, fellas!

So, Bill's taking a solo
road trip through the desert.

How much of Bill's body

do you think vultures
will refuse to eat?

Ah...

And this one is from me.

Trust me,

it will be your "breast" friend.

I... don't get it.

But thank you for
the horseshoe-shaped pillow.

It will bring
the baby good luck.

I-It's for feeding the baby.

You do realize that you're going
to have to feed the baby, right?

With all due respect,
Luanne and I don't need

some fancy pillow
to feed our baby.

Monkeys don't need pillows
to feed their young.

I'm not following you.

I've watched
a lot of nature programs,

and it seems to me
most of life's questions

can be answered
with another question:

What would a monkey do?

And here's something
else for you two.

I saved every single thing
that Bobby ever wore,

sat in or spit up on.

I only hope they bring you
as much joy as they brought me.

Oh, my gosh!

Thank you, Aunt Peggy!

We meet again, Mr. Giggles.

You're not actually going

to give this stuff
to Luanne, are you?

Oh, no. I'm just
gonna let her borrow it

till Bobby has a child.

We've learned so much
about parenting

since this mobile was made.

It wasn't designed to
stimulate baby brain growth.

Oh, you modern mothers!

You need all those
gadgets and gizmos.

Back in my day,
we had to get by on gumption.

And Bobby turned out just fine.

Yes. And if Bobby is the kind
of child Luanne wants to raise,

she should certainly
follow your advice.

This is gonna get good.

Now, hold on,
there is nothing wrong

with how I raised my child.

I'm just saying it might be
a good idea for Lucky and Luanne

to take a childcare class,
so they can learn,

or unlearn, whatever they need.

Fine.

Why don't we all go...
Perhaps we'll all get

a refresher on what's
important to a child,

and what's just
a desperate attempt

to prove to the world
that you're a good mother.

Fun!

Welcome to Baby Care Basics.

I'm Gloria, your instructor.

We will cover many
topics in our course,

including how to soothe
a teething baby. Oh!

I know this one.

My Aunt Peggy told me.

Scotch on the gums.

No. Giving
a child alcohol

is never advised.

Well... not a lot.

Just enough
to take the edge off.

I find if I freeze a peach slice

and wrap it in a washcloth,

the baby gets
soothing pain relief

and a serving of fruit.

Mmm.

We will also discuss

how to help a baby
sleep through the night.

Maybe let someone else answer.

Oh-oh! Aunt Peggy
told me that one, too.

Put it on its stomach

and surround it with lots
of pillows and blankets,

so it feels secure.

Oh, my, that-that's
outdated information.

We now know
that's quite dangerous.

No one should listen
to this woman.

In fact, I'm going to take
this doll away from you.

I'm not sure I'm comfortable
with you practicing on it.

I can't believe...
that I got kicked out of...

our baby class.

My baby's gonna be
here in two weeks!

I don't have time to learn
what I need to learn!

We're gonna fix this, baby doll.

I will go to the video store

and rent every monkey
movie ever made.

No, I will fix this.

I'll have Jason
pick up the kids today.

I'll stay here
until the baby is born

and teach you everything I know,
which is a lot.

You do not have to do that.

Yes, things have changed
since I had Bobby,

but I still know
how to raise a child.

And there is nothing wrong
with any of this stuff.

Um, I think we're gonna
start listening

to Myrna now, Aunt Peggy.

It's not that we don't love you,

it's just that, well,
we want our baby to live.

I have read every book,
magazine and blog

dedicated to childcare.

Lucky, you will need
to baby-proof this house.

Can do.

When I'm done, not even
the wiliest of babies

will be able to get in here.

And, Luanne, I will make sure
you have a drug-free,

stress-free hypno-birth.

No, no, no...
Trust me,

you need hard,
class-three narcotics.

Drugs are for
sick people, Peggy.

Luanne isn't going to treat
her baby like a disease.

Like you did with your son.

It must be cold out
there in the desert tonight.

I have my love to keep me warm.

I'll talk to you when I get
to Truth or Consequences.

I'll have a salad

and a diet soda.

Staying in shape, huh, honey?

"Honey"?

I thought I was "honey"!

Is that you, Bill?

How many other honeys
do you have?

Is it just him, or do you say it

to every salad-eating
playboy in a Taurus?

What? Good-bye, Jane!

Forever!

Wait, no! Bill, come back!

You know what?
A lemon pie sounds pretty good.

And this Myrna is
filling Luanne's head

with all sorts of crazy ideas.

And Luanne is soaking them up
like a simple, obedient sponge.

Well, Myrna was right about

some of these hand-me-downs
being dangerous.

I'm not sure pacifiers
come painted anymore.

I still have plenty to teach
Luanne about being a good mom.

She just won't listen to me.

Luanne needs to learn
this stuff on her own.

It might be time to push
her out of the nest

and get our freedom back.

Come on, Peggy, push with me.

Maybe you're right.

Besides, if I fight,
I'm gonna lose her.

I will have to bend.

Thanks for helping me
baby-proof, gentlemen.

No problem.

One of the many joys
of being a parent

is all the stuff
you get to assemble

and then, later, disassemble.

Myrna says we're supposed
to crawl around

to find out what's dangerous.

It's amazing.

To an unsuspecting baby, almost
anything can become a weapon.

For example, this weapon.

Lucky, I know you care a lot
about what your sister says,

but maybe it's time
you and Luanne

started thinking for yourselves.

No can do, Uncle Hank.

Choking hazard identified.

I can't wait to show you
the new nursery, Aunt Peggy.

And I cannot wait to see it.

Myrna.

Ta-da!

Oh, my!

Myrna says everything is
black and white and red

to help the baby see and think.

Really?

Hmm.

I wonder if that's why
the Nazis chose those colors.

Over here is the
tummy-time station

where Luanne will give her
baby three ten-minute

strength-building
sessions per day.

And these DVDs are gonna
help my baby's brain.

This worm has so much wisdom.

Oh, for God's sake.

That's what it sounds
like inside my womb.

It's what you would hear
if I swallowed your ear.

Isn't this room wonderful?

Well, I think
you captured the...

I mean, I think it's...

I think it's awful.

Luanne, it's joyless.
It's creepy.

Peggy, this is awkward enough
without you critiquing our nursery.

This is Luanne's nursery.

And if she keeps
listening to you,

her kid is gonna
end up like yours,

a book-reading,
water-drinking robot!

Um! guys...

Not now, Luanne!
Not now, Luanne!

I think the baby's coming.

Ow!

Why can't Luanne just give birth

in a gotdang hospital,
like everyone else?

You are preaching
to the choir, Hank,

but no one is asking me anymore.

Well, I guess a waiting room
is a waiting room.

Luanne, or should I say Myrna,

doesn't want us
in a waiting room. Uh-uh.

She wants everyone with her
as she gives birth...

In that tub.

Bah!

What doctor agreed to this?

There is no doctor.

The baby will be delivered
by a facilitator.

That man

in the open robe and Speedo.

Ugh.

This is gonna ruin
baths for me forever.

Do all these people
really have to be here?

Trust me, this is
the best way for your baby

to enter the world... surrounded
by a support network.

If we open up all the windows,
can I light a hibachi?

Here comes another contraction.

What do I do? What do I do?
What do I do?

Okay, deep breaths, Luanne,
like we practiced.

You're in a wheat field.
There's a gentle breeze...

Okay, a breezy,
painful wheat field.

Lots of wheat, lots of pain.

I hate this wheat field!

I think I need to walk around.

Excellent. It's good to walk around
during the beginning stages of labor.

"Beginning?"

Myrna, would you get
me the Enya CD?

You'll need something stronger.

I'll get chanting monks.

Aunt Peggy?

Can I talk to you?

Get me out of here now.

Consider it done.

We are busting Luanne
out of here

and getting her to a hospital.

Hold on a minute, there.

What if she gives
birth in my truck?

You know there's a limit
to what Armor-All can do.

I hate this!

Hank, this is happening
with or without you.

Bobby, you need
to cause a distraction.

Do you think you can do that?

A chance to flex
my improv muscles.

I like it.

Mm-mm, wait for
Luanne's signal.

Um, Myrna, um, can you get
my floaties from my purse?

I can't swim so good.

It's hard to believe in just
a few hours, we'll have a baby.

And you'll be thin again.

Bobby, now!

Cannonball!
No!

What are you doing?

Get out of there!

This is what happens
when you give kids juice!

You're tainting
the birthing tub!

Double meat meal, please.

Bill? Is that you?
Where have you been?

Not that it's
any of your business,

but I had lunch at a Luly's...

and it was delicious.

Oh, really? Mm-hmm. They know
how to treat a guy there.

What are we doing?

Why are we trying to hurt each other?
I don't know. I miss us.

I miss us, too.
I can be there in an hour.

What are you waiting for, honey?

Hmm.

What's going on, Baby Doll?

Where are we going?

We are taking Luanne away from
this glorified hot tub club

to a proper hospital.

I want to go someplace

where there's doctors and
nurses and painkillers.

Now, Luanne, we
thought this through.

Myrna said a birthing center

was the first step
on the road to a perfect baby.

Oh, I am getting
in this truck, Lucky.

And you can either come with me
or you can stay here with Myrna.

I will stick by my mate.

Which, by the way, is precisely
what a monkey would do.

She's onto us! Let's roll!

All right, everybody in.

I will check you in.

Then I'll go chat up
the janitor.

They're the ones who
really run these places.

You know what I think about

when I accidentally smack
myself with a hammer?

The Cowboys.

Maybe you should think
about the Cowboys.

I hope I'm doing
the right thing, Uncle Hank.

Everyone keeps giving me advice.

I have ideas, too, but no one
wants to listen to 'em.

Well, this is your baby, Luanne.

No one else is gonna
raise it for you,

especially not your aunt and me.

Maybe it's about time you
started thinking for yourself.

Sometimes I can't tell
the difference

between thinking and being
quiet, but I'll try.

Well, you're gonna
make mistakes.

Lord knows I must have
made some with Bobby,

judging by some of the
asinine stuff he does.

But you have to start somewhere.

Luanne, stop.

We need to get you out of
here before it's too late.

Actually, Myrna, we've decided
we're giving birth here.

That's right, Myrna.

They have decided

to give birth the right way,

the Peggy way.

No. Wait.

I don't want to do
this your way either.

I want to do this my way.

I love you so much, Aunt Peggy,
and I want your advice,

but, Lucky and I need
to do this on our own.

I will be right in the waiting
room if you need me.

I know you will.

Let's go have a baby.

And maybe a huge settlement.

There will be lots of things to
slip on when this is all over.

Jane?

Bill?

You didn't tell me
you were so... old.

You didn't tell me
you were so young.

I'm not young. I'm 17.

I'm just gonna drive home now.

Yeah.
Mm-hmm.

I tell you what, this Goofus
fellow is a dumb-ass.

Look at me,

I'm on a Japanese subway!

It's a girl.

And she's beautiful.

This is one good-looking baby.

They did a great job
cleaning her up.

Ooh, you're a little cute one,
I tell you what.

She bears a strong resemblance
to my side of the family.

Course that might change
once she gets teeth.

So, what's her name?

Well, we have decided
to name her

after one of our favorite
things...

Lasagna.
What?!

Lasagna Kleinschmidt.

They gave you
the good stuff, didn't they?

No, we just like
the name Lasagna.

There is no way I'm gonna sit by

and let you name
your child after...

Luanne needs to make her
own decisions from now on.

But no, honey, her name
is not going to be Lasagna.

What would a monkey do?

Ripped By mstoll