King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 13, Episode 6 - A Bill Full of Dollars - full transcript

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Phillip Martin.

But then the rash went away,

and I could wear pants again!

Yup.



Dale.

Hank's going to become
a tugboat captain.

Yup.

Gla-gla ixnap bongo.

Mm-hmm.

No one listens to me.

Do you guys think
horses remember things

from when they were little?

The picture's so blurry.

Is that what's-his-name
from 90210,

or what's-his-name
from Growing Up Brady?

I'm fed up with this TV.

We have got to get a new one.

Perhaps even a flat-screen TV?



Absolutely.

Hank!
Dad!

Okay, whatever it is,

let's just slow down here.

We don't need an expensive

flat-screen TV, Peggy.

That CSI lady looks just fine
on the TV we've already got.

Well, sure, we don't need one,
Hank, but I want one,

and I am prepared
to pay for it myself.

You haven't sold a house
in six months, Peggy.

You know, if you put it
on a credit card,

I still have to pay for it?

You don't think I can pay
for this TV, do you, Hank?

Well, uh...

no.

Bobby, get ready
for the biggest, flattest TV

you have ever seen in your life.

Peggy, you don't
have to do this.

We'll just keep the TV we have.

No, let her do it, Dad.

It will help her to heal.

I shopped around all day,

and the good flat-screens
still cost a lot more

than I have in my savings.

Good flat-screens?

Oh, you mean, like... this?

Yes, Minh, like that.

I will get the money somehow.

I just have to come up
with a clever invention.

Something that lights up and
that kids put on their shoes.

Or you could get another job.

I bet there's a lot of wives
that would like you

to be their husband's secretary.

No need to work for TV money.

Make your personal savings work
for you.

Listen to my secret friend.

The Dow Genius.

So, we had a down day
in the market.

Oh!

Do we get scared?

No! We go to Brazil

where they are cornering
the bird flu vaccine market.

Buy Bioteca De'Brasilia!

BDSA.

Well, this is amazing!

I am in for a thousand.

I will buy a gigundo new TV.

For Hank, it will be 79 inches
of "So there!"

Hey, maybe I go in
for a grand myself.

I'll sell a few guns
and invest, too.

Financial dignity might be
an interesting switch for me.

Minh, our stock has lost 20%
in a few days!

Is there any chance
we can return our stocks

at the earlier price?

Okay.

So the market's had a downturn.

The Genius feels your pain!

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

This is crazy.

Every time we obey his shouting,
I lose more money.

We should just cut our losses.

I'm gonna admit failure and ask
Nancy to reinstate my allowance.

No, I will not be a failure
or look like one.

I have got to win at this.

We are overdue.

Come on, you idiot.

Tell us something brilliant.

People, you have to remember

that everybody invests
differently.

When the market is slow,
buy what you know.

Buy the companies that make

what the average people
are buying.

He has a point.

We need to study America,

and invest
in what America wants to buy.

Okay, good.

What? What do people like
to buy?

I don't know.

Lychee nuts? Opera CDs?

Those new Russian bullets
that will go through anything!

Uh, no, not you two.

America.

What does Joe Blow buy?

Beats me.
I give up.

Then we are going
on a field trip.

America, roll up your sleeve.

Peggy Hill is about
to take your pulse.

Okay, they out of pretzels,
but not popcorn.

Chocolate snack cakes
are sold out, too,

but not pound cake.

There has to be a pattern here.

There's no pattern, Peggy!

It's like Americans
are just a bunch of pigs

rooting aimlessly in the dirt.

Look at that!

Who on earth would buy
something as repulsive

as chocolate-covered
potato chips?

Sorry, Minh.

Oh, hi, Minh!

I'm just so excited
they restocked

the chocolate-covered
potato chips!

These things fly off the rack.

I need this and this,
and this and this...

Mine!

I need extra,
so I'm covered for the weekends.

Minh, look
what's in Bill's cart.

He got the snack cakes,

the pretzels,
the aerosol cheese.

What he buys,
the rest of them buy.

Think about it.

Bill is middle-aged, obese,

with disposable income,
and poor impulse control.

He is the average
American consumer.

Bill is our golden pig!

Ho, yeah!

Hmm. Oh! I need
jumbo wrap!

Mega-Lo-Wrap. Check.

What on earth he wrapping
with that much wrap?

The American consumer
doesn't know.

All it knows is it must wrap.

You know, I know it's just Bill,

but something doesn't feel right
about this.

Do-Do you think
we should tell him?

We can't tell him.

People act most natural

when they don't know
they're being observed.

I cite as evidence
several hundred episodes

of Candid Camera.

Hmm.

Let's... see.

I like shopping with all of you.

Usually, the only people
who talk to me in stores

are older gay men
who've dropped their standards.

Well, buy something already!

Okay!

Ooh!

I read about this.

A mini jungle gym

for your cats to play in.

You don't have any cats.

Well, I might... some day.

Ooh!

Castle Wolfehammer 9!

"Sergeant Vengeance battles
the Furious Fuhrer!"

Hey, C-Hammer Nine!

Right On!

So, Bill,

where ya feel like
going for lunch, huh?

So. Heh. "That's
a Real Italiano!"

Heh-heh.

Home of the Spaghetti Sandwich.

I recommend the Jumbo
Spaghetti Sandwich.

It's my favorite.

Well, it certainly
is... popular.

And publicly traded.

Ho, yeah.

All right!

This one here is
top-of-the-line.

If it's the top of the line,
I'll take it.

Uh, care to add
a "Super-Surround" system,

with ultra stereo boost?

Throw it in.

Well, here we go.

Everyone ready?

It's third and eleven

the Cowboys have got to pass...

Oh, my gosh, Hank, turn it down.

Turn it down, Hank!

I can't tell... which button.

Dad! Make it stop!

Oh, goodness.

Well, it's got
a little something

under the hood there,
doesn't it?

I'm proud of you, Peggy.

I cannot believe this amazing TV
is really in our house!

Yeah, Peggy, how did
you afford this?

I mean, it had to be
pretty expensive.

Hugely expensive, but that
does not matter anymore.

I am so excited
I can finally tell you.

I have discovered
a secret gold mine.

Uh, I don't like the way
you just said "gold mine."

What do you mean?

...so we made all
this crazy money,

just by studying Bill.

You don't look proud
of me anymore.

Well, I wonder why not.

Peggy, you used Bill.

You have to fix this.

I hope you're not gonna say
we should get rid of the TV.

Well, of course not...
It's incredible...

But you have to tell Bill
what you've been doing.

Promise me you'll do that.

Then let's go back to watching
this amazing thing.

So... you were...
studying me?

You listened to me!

My opinions made a difference!

So you're not mad?

No. I'm honored that
you cared what I thought.

You folks feelin' like dessert?

Yeah. Bill, dessert!

What do you, want
to have? Huh?

Hmm...

Good point.

What does Bill want for dessert?

And it displays
windows within windows.

I still haven't figured out how
to make those go away, though.

It's so nice when people care
what you have to say.

Hank, why didn't you ever
tell me what it was like?

Well, I'm just happy
you're okay with it.

I thought it might
make you angry.

Of course you thought
Bill would think that.

But only Bill knows
what Bill thinks.

You have this nice TV because
I have the power of being me.

Bill, you don't have powers.

It works because you're so...
typical.

Still...

you're not the one
who's typical, I am.

I buy things,
and it makes money,

so we can buy more things.

I'm like an ecosystem.

Dad, look!

Two Rob Schneider movies
on-screen at the same time.

You're welcome, Bobby.

So, how are our
profits this week?

Minimal.

We need to diversify.

All our positions are still
in junk food and cat toys.

"Hedge funds...
global indicators..."

Hey, this "tech sector" stuff
must be important.

The article on it
is really long.

Check this out:

there's a big computer
trade show

in Austin next week.

Okay, computers.

What will Bill pick for us?
Robots?

I hope he chooses some robots.

Wow... it's so incredible.

So this is the future, huh?

I don't know.

Everybody's so cool.

It's not about being cool, Bill.

Most people aren't cool.

This is about what regular
Americans are going to buy.

Now... digital cameras.
What do you like?

Well, I just...

I don't know...

I mean, I, I think...

Don't think about it.
Just be Bill.

Come on, Bill.
Just pick something.

I don't know. I don't know.

I... I... I...

Damn it. We broke him.

He's useless now.

This is classic Heisenberg.

The observer effect.

Observer? Wha...?

The very act of observation

interferes with the outcome,

often misattributed
to Heisenberg,

who was wrong about the bomb,
but right about uncertainty.

See, now you're watching you.

And that's the problem.

It shows up in Al theory, too.

Quite so.

Anyway, this thing is a wash.

You're broken.

Game over.

Oh, dang it.
I was gonna get Hank

a La-Z-Boy with
a fridge in it.

They have those.

Eh, it was pretty good
while it lasted.

No! It's not over!

I can still do it!

America will love, uh...

this!

No, wait. Come back!

Come ba... I'm still Bill.

I can pick winners.

Nobody can be Bill like me.

I'll show them.

I have to show them.

This is 24-7 Stockz.

So, what are we trading?

Hi. If, if I use
my savings

and take out a second mortgage
on my house,

can I open a trading account?

You betcha.

Good because I want
to buy, buy, buy.

Well, what do we do next?

Now that Bill's melted down,
he won't be any help anymore.

How about we try
the Dow Genius again?

Let me put it this way,

ZNE Technologies
is like a Mafia wife...

Do not touch!

Okay, next caller
is Bill from Texas.

Howdy, cowboy.

I've gone broke.

Well, maybe it's not our Bill.

Okay, Bill from Arlen, Texas
is broke.

Happens to the best of us,
big man.

So, what do you got for me?

Uh-oh.

Please, please help me.

I've mortgaged my house;
I used all my savings

to invest in a sure thing,
but then...

Whoa, slim, you telling me

you bet your whole nut
on one stock?

Give me the nutcracker.

Let's see it.

Don't laugh at me.

I was once
a stock-picking genius,

but I made so much money
for my friends...

We're still not 100% certain
that was our Bill.

Minh? Are you home?

Peggy? Anyone?

Maybe we should just go out
there and, and talk to him.

And say what?

Sorry, your life is somehow
even worse than it was?

Yeah, and besides we didn't
do anything wrong.

Oh, come on, we used him for our
own gain until we broke him,

and then we cast him aside?

Then, in a desperate attempt
to regain our love,

he lost everything he owned.

But other than that,
we're good, right?

What are these words?

Can't we get rid of those guys?

Who are they?

No idea. Dang it.

There are so many buttons
on this remote.

Ew!
Ew!

Oh, it hurts my eyes!
It's too detailed!

This is what madness
must feel like!

Oh, thank goodness.

Somehow it went to sleep.

Now what?
What's that voice?

It's just Bill.

He doesn't sound too good.

My strategy was sound.

I leveraged liquidity,

but there were negative
market corrections.

Overall I give myself
an "A" for theory.

Bill, you don't know
what any of those words mean.

I just wanted people
to listen to me, Hank.

It's so awful being ignored.

You know what's gonna
be even more awful?

You're gonna lose your house.

How much are you
on the hook for?

A lot.

And not my usual "a lot."
This time I'm being accurate.

Dang it.

All right, I'm gonna
go find the others.

It was on "Sleep."

And then it stopped sleeping.

Don't leave us alone with it.

Unplug it to be sure.

Who knows what it'll do next?

Oh, thank God!
I thought you were Bill!

How could you three do this?

You know the way Bill is,

but you took him out
for a spin anyway.

It's like you had a truck

with faulty brakes,
but you just didn't care.

We feel terrible.

I want to help,

but the Gribbles have a long
history of making things worse.

Well...

I guess we could sell off
our holdings

to pay off Bill's
mortgage ourselves.

Hank, I know how much
you love it,

but the TV came
from using Bill and...

Sell it.

Yes, anything to, uh...

help our friend.

You are an inspiration, Hank.

$5,000?

That's nowhere near enough.

The man mortgaged his house.

How about this:

instead of selling
off more guns,

I could just leave a few out
on Bill's doorstep,

and let come what may.

Let's just give him this much.

It's better than nothing,
and at least we tried.

Thank you all.
It's awfully generous.

But I won't need this money now.

It turns out after all that...

You know where
a working man

can get a cold beer around here?

In the kitchen.

Even total strangers don't care
if they interrupt me.

Sorry, Bill. Looks like
he's here helping Buck

move the TV today.

Go on.

What's the use?

Anyway, thanks for the money,
but I'm safe now.

I declared bankruptcy
this morning.

You declared bankruptcy?

Well, it's Texas, Hank.

They're pretty efficient
about this sort of thing.

They even had a special
E-Z-Broke phone line.

Anyway, I won't take up
any more of your time...

Whoa, hold on, friend,
not so fast.

Did you just say you got

a bona fide,
state-certified bankruptcy?

Yeah.

Ooh, how does that work?

Do you have to declare
all of your assets

or can you keep
your offshore money?

And who were you hiding
your money from?

Your wife? The government?

I want to go bankrupt some day.

I just want to owe
a little more first.

Is it hard to pull off?

Oh, no, it was so easy,
even I could do it.

Well, don't just repeat
that part, my man.

Give us the whole gory details.

Wow, I can't believe you want
to hear what I have to say.

Well, Buck, if you'll

hand me that beer, I'll
tell you all about it.

Fantastic.

Darrin, this could take a while.

Man, I'm all over this.

Apparently, there are
a lot of bankruptcies.

The E-Z-Broke guy
was very helpful...

Let me tell you,
it's pretty scary

seeing all those zeroes
at first, but...

Hank's going to become
a tugboat captain.

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