King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 13, Episode 4 - Lost in MySpace - full transcript

Hank runs into trouble with a temperamental co-worker who is promoted to co-assistant manager after Strickland Propane puts up its own MySpace page.

Ripped By mstoll

This place is dead.

Not cold enough for propane,
not hot enough for propane.

Goldilocks season, honey.

It'll pick up.

Propane may be a gas,
but it's like a rock.

Hey, Hank!

This fat guy was dancing...

then he slipped!

If you think this is funny,
you should see "funny cats."

Donna, turn it off.



This is work.

Sorry, Hank, but there's
nothing to do here.

Have you done
your expense reports?

Fine, I'll do
the expense reports.

Hey, Hank,
isn't that Pat Ritchie

coming out of Thatherton's?

It is.

Pat.

Oh. Hank.

I'm just, uh, you know,
buying some, uh, propane.

From Thatherton.

Yeah.

I-I'm sorry.

I-I met him on MySpace.



W-what are you talking about?

Your house?

No, no, no, MySpace
is on the Internet.

We-we chatted online,
and, well, we became friends.

But we're friends.

We've been in business
for a decade.

Yeah, but on MySpace you get
to know someone real fast.

And it turns out,

Thatherton's as obsessed
with Weezer as I am.

What's Weezer?

Exactly.

Bye, Hank.

Thatherton?!

Gotdang! I know Pat Ritchie
cheats on his wife,

but I never thought
he'd cheat on me!

Apparently, he communicated
with Pat

on something called MySpace.

MySpace?!

He used MySpace?!

What is MySpace?
What are we talking about here?

I don't know, sir.

I think it's a cult.

Hmm-mm. It's a social
networking site,

you know, on the Internet.

It makes socializing fun.

Well, we need to get Strickland
on the Internet then ASAP!

But, sir, we already have
a sell sheet to inform people.

Got to keep up with
the times, Ol' Top.

Uh, Donna, can you
put us on MySpace?

Yeah, I'd love to.

It sure beats
the rest of the crap

I normally have to do
around here.

Donna...

Pig?

Yeah! All right!

You got me a Pig!

Bobby, get away from that thing.

That is not our pig.

Bobby, stay back!

You'll damage the nose!

Dale, why do you have a pig?

Nancy and I had dinner
at That's Amore last night.

Nancy got some truffle shaved
on her pasta, and it cost $30.

It was a good thing
we got separate checks.

Anyway, I decided to rent myself
a truffle-hunting pig,

so I could have
as many truffles as I want.

Pigs can hunt?

Man, they keep getting
cooler and cooler!

Count me in!

Please, Dale, let me
get truffles with you.

I love truffles.

Okay, you can come with.

But you do know these aren't
chocolate truffles, right?

Of course I know that.

I want the kind of truffles
that we're talking about.

Have you guys heard
of this MySpace?

Of course.

It's the best part
of my life right now.

I don't understand it.

Why do you want to communicate
with strangers?

Well, they may start out
as strangers,

but then they become
your friends.

Not the kind of friends
that you hang out with,

but the kind that you type to
when you're drunk.

Tell you what, man,

easy datin' on that
dang ol' MySpace, man.

Put up my dang ol' college photo
on there, man.

Yes, Boomhauer.

That's exactly why I like
to deal with people in person.

That way, you know
what you're getting.

Face-to-face interfacing
is obsolete.

There's over 400 expressions
that you can make

with symbols online.

You can only make
two expressions

with your face, Hank.

Are you agreeing with me?

Are you happy?
Are you sad?

I can't tell.

It's true.

Conversation is better
on MySpace.

I reveal things about myself

that I could just
never tell you guys.

Don't go to MySpace, Hank!

Enrique!

I'm Allen252 from MySpace.

Came to get that grill.

Hey!

I saw that picture of you
in Cancun, man.

Do you think I would like
scuba diving?

Allen252!

Man, get your butt over here.

Huh.

I guess this MySpace thing
is really working.

We already have over 40 friends.

And I know most of them,
so they're all really cool.

What's Joe Jack doing there?

Check it out.

Joe Jack, huh? Who knew!

Watch this one.

Whoo!

Dance with me!

Come on! I'm so drunk!

I was so drunk.

Donna, this is terrible.

This is no way
to represent Strickland.

You think I'm just
a number cruncher

and I can't do creative things.

Take this site down immediately
before anyone else sees it.

Donna, I was just
on the MySpace.

It was so much fun!

And nothing attracts customers
more than fun!

Thank you, Mr. Strickland.

But there's nothing on there
about the propane

or the propane accessories.

Donna, I want you on
MySpace duty full time.

I'm making you assistant manager
of new media.

But-but I'm
the assistant manager.

Well, now we got two.

Everyone,

now that I'm
an assistant manager,

we're gonna take this place
to a new level.

First order of business:

we need to add some new video
to the site, so...

who wants to get kicked
in the ding-dong?

I don't know why
Strickland is on MySpace.

The whole thing
is like a contest to see

who can make the biggest ass
of themselves.

That's why it's so great.

I-I also
love MySpace,

but I would never
be on it as myself.

Online, I am Ted Danson.

People will
tell Ted Danson anything.

Kahn is manic-
depressive.

Morning, Donna.

Hey, who should we assign
to make more coffee for us?

I'm thinking Melinda.

Slow down, Donna.

You've only been
assistant manager for a day.

You'll find that leadership...

Hot dang, people!

We got ourselves
over 500 friends!

Welcome to Strickland.

I'm Hank.

I'm actually here to buy
propane from Joe Jack.

Right here.

Preferably one that you freaked.

I'm on it.

I'm pretty sure I gave this one
the business, honey.

But just to be sure...

Whoo-haw!

Business is really picking up.

But at what cost?

There's no way that's your body.

You cut and pasted your face.

This woman has six-pack abs.

Count these.

Wow!

Look at Melinda's stomach.

It's amazing!

Melinda, no!

Pull down your shirt.

This is a workplace,
so get back to work.

Hank, I need a picture
for your profile.

Am I handsome?

Do hunters ask each other
that question?

Time to go
a-trufflin'.

Dang.

I didn't know
pigs could run like that.

It's a rental!
After her!

This grill offers more than
enough heat to do the job.

Hank, we need you
to set up your profile.

Donna, I-I'm with a customer.

There's a billion
potential customers online.

I think you need to deal
with them first.

Get bloggin'!

Okay.

Donna will help you.

Okay, so you can help me?

Of course I can.

You can post questions there.

Thank you.

"The new reverse thread on the
dual intake portable propane

containers allows for..."
Blah.

What is this?

Here, look at my page.

Maybe this will inspire you.

Good Lord, Donna!

Deep breaths, Ladybird.

Deep breaths.

Sure, Ladybird barks at me,

but she'll let any old riffraff
in the backyard.

Peggy, I'm borrowing your dog
to track down my pig.

If you'd like to borrow Joseph
as collateral,

I'm okay with that.

When you bring her back,
just hose her down.

Hose Joseph, too.

You told everyone

I'm a pro-pain
in the neck!

You're a pro-pain
in my neck!

You're one to talk, Enrique.

Your posts have offended
everyone in this office.

Oh, please, Roger, you're just
mad about those pictures.

No, my wife's mad
about those pictures!

I was 30 days sober!

Everyone, stop fighting!

Hank's right.

Save it for your blogs.

No, our customers don't
need to know about this.

This is exactly what the
customers want to know about.

Hank, you don't understand
how "the world works" anymore.

You don't get my generation.

We're the same age.

You just can't deal with the
fact that I'm your equal now.

And as an assistant manager,

I'm gonna ask you
for the last time

to blog.

Fine, Donna, you want me
to blog what I'm thinking?

I'll blog what I'm thinking.

Good. Finally.

Donna is an idiot.

Post

Thank you, Hank.

I'm sure my 4,000 friends
will find that very interesting.

Oh, that's supposed
to scare me, huh?

Are your 4,000 friends going
to come out of the computer

and get me?

The people are not really
in the computer, Hank.

That would be like Poltergeist.

Ladybird'll find that pig.

She can find anything.

She has dug up every one
of my goldfish we buried.

Ladybird is an amazing animal.

We probably don't even
need that stupid pig.

I bet Ladybird could
find the truffles.

Ladybird finds the truffles
and we cut out the middleman,

or in this case the middle pig.

Bill, that's brilliant.

Thanks, Dale.

That means a lot.

Now, we just need
to introduce Ladybird

to the scent of truffles.

This food looks amazing.

You look amazing.

Would you like some truffle
shaved on your pasta?

Of course.

This night is
about trying new things.

Remember this smell.

And while you're at it,
get a whiff of the wine.

There's money in that, too.

Morning, Hank.

Donna, we should probably talk
about what happened yesterday.

Oh, Hank, what's done is done.

It's a new day.

Let's just move on.

Well, all right.

Well, look at that.
It's almost 10:00 already.

What is going on out there?

It's called a flash mob.

My 4,000 friends don't think
I'm an idiot.

Hot dang, look at
all these people.

We got enough propane
to supply all y'all.

That must be Hank!

Get him!

Good Lord.

I can't believe this happened.

Donna, you're fired.

What?
You can't fire me, Hank.

This is your fault.

I need supervision.

It is in all of my reviews.

Shut up, Donna.

You're fired.

Unbelievable.

Well, you haven't seen
the last of me.

You'll pay.

You'll all pay!

Well, the Strickland
MySpace page is gone.

Now, if you want
to see Melinda drunk,

you got to go to the
Chimney Sweep after 5:00.

Thank you, Roger.

Now we can finally
get back to work.

What in the Sam Hill?

Uh-oh, it's back.

Rogen

I thought you took this down.

I did, Hank.

Someone must have put it back.

Strickland is no good!

Do not buy from Strickland!

Their propane is bad!

Turn it off.

Donna changed the password.

She controls
the Strickland site now.

Unplug it.

That ain't going to stop it.

Her powers are growing, honey.

We got to get a hold of Donna
and talk some sense into her.

She's not
in the company directory.

Donna was supposed to update it,
but I don't think she did.

What did Donna do around here?

Buck, where did you
send her paychecks?

I paid her in cash.

It was... simpler.

Well, someone's got to know
where she lives.

I mean, she had
that contest...

You know, the sleeping over.

Oh, hell, I don't remember.

I was trashed.

Stoned, honey.

Death to Strickland!

Death to Strickland!

Death to Strickland!

Death to Strickland!

Sure, Donna was a
little lazy at work,

but she was never like this.

Maybe Ted Danson can talk
some sense into her.

He has a way with the ladies.

Ted's in.

I agree with you

about Strickland, baby.

They are the worst, toots.

Hello, Hank, and good-bye.

Mm, she's good.

Well, if we can't reach her
through a new friend,

maybe we can use an old one.

Let's try...

Pete E Pete.

He looks normal.

Oh, God.

Okay.

How about... this?

No.

Ugh.

Baah!

Ugh!

Can this stuff
hurt our computer?

All that's left are her blogs.

Maybe if you read them,

you can find something
that will help locate her.

Dear God,
she's written every day

for the last four years.

No wonder she never got
any work done at Strickland.

I'll make some coffee.

And he was a jerk

for not letting me use the full
service pump for self-service.

So I said,
"If you want to play that game,

your eggs count as 12 items,

so you're in the wrong line,
too, bitch."

A grande is only
a little bigger than a tall.

Dogs are cool,
but cats are the coolest.

Anything?

No.

There's absolutely
no information here.

Why don't you come to bed, Hank?

I'm gonna try to
get through another month.

This year I'll probably
start wearing tons of purple.

Wingo, she's found something.

Back, Ladybird, back.

I can't let the dog eat it.

Bill, you finish the dig.

But don't eat it.

Is it?
A truffle!

Hold on. Let me verify.

Huh.

Wait a minute.

It's got blue
and purple splotches.

And it smells iffy.

I think it's a magic mushroom.

No!

What's happening to it?

I think this pig is tripping.

Hang in there, rental pig.

Stay focused on me.

You're with friends.

This is a safe place.

Anything?

No, and I'm up to her last week.

And it's so weird that
what I want changes every day,

like today
I think I want a baby,

but I'm not going to tell David
that at our date on Friday.

He's taking me
to Goobersmooches.

OMG, fancy.

Maybe I'll forget to take the
pill, winky smiley face, JK.

I'm going to wear
a purple lace bra...

Wait a minute.

I've got something.

She's got a date at
Goobersmooches on Friday.

That's today.
I know where it is.

Follow me.

Uh, we all know
where it is, Enrique.

The date's tonight.

We'll go after work.

I-I wanted to go now.

There she is, at the burger bar.

I'm heading to the fruit salad

to make this burger
Hawaiian-style.

David, you're so funny.

Donna.

What the hell?

What is this, Hank,
your pathetic flash mob?

No, Donna, we're your coworkers
and we want to talk to you.

So blog me.

No, we're real people

and we're here
to do this face to face.

Oh, well, um, okay.

Now, then, would you like to
tell me why you're so angry?

I, um, just, uh...

...felt like I wasn't taken
seriously at work.

You never gave me
anything to do.

You had plenty to do,
and you never did it.

Because you only gave me
the boring stuff.

But you're an accountant.

What the hell you think
you were gonna do?

I don't know.

Design stuff?

I'm creative.

Well... maybe
you could have figured out

some way to use that.

Like, I know
where you can get oven mitts

that look like puppets,

and I have lots
of other ideas, too.

Donna, we could have worked
everything out

if we just talked about things

instead of attacking
each other behind a computer.

Strickland Propane is a family,
and like a family,

we shouldn't know
each other's inner thoughts.

That's what's so creepy
about MySpace.

Donna, just come back
to work, huh,

and take down
that mean ol' site.

I'll see y'all Monday morning.

Aloha.

What's going on here?

David, listen, I
was only dating you

because I thought
I needed money,

but I just got
my job back, so...

I'm an alligator.

I eat hot things
to protect hands.

Hank, I'm just about done

reconfiguring
the Strickland page.

Hey, that's my sell sheet.

But I don't know
if that needs to be flashing.

Sure thing, boss.

Who wants to get
kicked in the ding-dong?

Ripped By mstoll