King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 13, Episode 17 - Manger Baby Einstein - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

Ahh...

Now let's work on
your fire safety.

See this?

Ahh...

Don't ever play with this.

I told you, I am ready
to come back to work.

I just need to work around
the baby's schedule.

Well, she falls asleep between
8:00 and 10:00 in the morning

and then again at 1:30.

And if I'm away
from the baby too long,



I'll need 15-minute cry breaks.

Oh, no, it's fine, it's fine.

I-I just need a little cry.

Oh, I see.

What's wrong, baby doll?

Jack says he has to give
my barber chair to someone else

until my schedule normalizes.

I worked so hard to be
a hairstylist, Lucky.

It's who I am.

Maybe it's time to exit
the hairstyling industry.

They keep restricting
what barbers can do.

My guy said he can
no longer perform dentistry.

Let us pray.

And remember, we are bowing our
heads to pray, not text-message.



Yeah, I see you,
Mr. and Mrs. Sneaky.

That's right.

Well, look at Grandma.

Oh, the world can be so cruel.

I loved that job.

When I cut hair,
people said they liked it,

and it made me feel good.

All Gracie does
is throw up on me.

We just have to find you
a new job,

the kind that lets you
bring your pets to work

but defines "pets" very loosely.

No, no, no.

Come on, Jakey!

Mommy loves you.

Mommy loves you!

Peek-a-boo!
Use your baby signs!

Please stop,
I'll give you anything.

Look, Gracie!

It's the Manger Babies!

There's Obadiah the Donkey.

"Meow."

And Hosea the Cat.

"Well blimey, you
mixed them up."

Well, you're right,

Sir Reginald Featherbottom.

I'll try that again.

"Smashing."

Luanne, you're an angel.

I wish I could just buy you!

One day, I promise you,

you will be able to do
an approximation of just that.

I've always wanted to be
a children's entertainer.

It's so much more tasteful
than the other kinds.

Look, just because a few moms

like something, it doesn't mean

you have to go
and start a business.

Hank, this is just
what modern moms do.

They become mom-preneurs.

Mostly because it sounds cool,
but also to get rich quick.

I fully support Luanne's
ambition to be the breadwinner,

since I'm starting to realize
the liability lawsuit game

is best left to the young.

I'm so happy!

I'm going to have a baby
and a career,

just like Cosmo magazine
told me to do.

I can hear you judging me
through your breath, Uncle Hank.

But I'll prove
your breath wrong.

I'm gonna make it.

Come on, babies!

Luanne and the Manger Babies

are gonna be some kind
of children's group.

And I'm gonna have to be
Gracie's mother and father.

I'm like a seahorse.

Why can't Luanne just fail

at selling Tupperware
like normal moms?

I respect puppets.

They say the things
the rest of us only think.

A puppet saved my life once.

Gentlemen,

I stand before you
an inspired man.

Luanne has rekindled my yen
to write a children's book.

Children see the world
through innocent eyes.

My book will change that.

"I know that hurt, but not
as much as polio would!"

And that was Luanne.

She is available
for parties and...

People weren't
taking the fliers,

so I tried slipping them
into their pockets.

They did not like that at all.

Be patient, Luanne.

It's like a flu virus.

It just takes one kid to catch
you and then they all will.

Oh, look, Diya, an octopus!

How about that?!

"Gurgle gurgle."

Diya's birthday party
is coming up,

and I'm through
with hiring clowns.

The last one didn't
wear enough makeup,

and too much of his inner pain
showed through.

Are you available?

I promise to wear
tons of makeups!

So, we hope you remember
everything we taught you today

about not eating bugs
and picking up your toys

and conflict resolution.

Bye-bye!

Hello, Luanne.

John Redcorn!

Are you performing here, too?

They could not afford me.

I'm here scouting new acts.

And you wowed me.

Did you know "wow"
upside down is "mom?"

I believe you.

I want to produce a line of
educational children's videos

to turn you
and the Manger Babies

into the next Baby Einstein.

I'm talking DVDs,
merchandising, the works.

Wow.

Will I have to move
to a factory in China?

No, we can do it
all here in Arlen.

I have a camera,
editing equipment

and a bass guitar leftover
from a previous enterprise.

Babies, we've been discovered!

"And that's why
yellow was invented.

So we'd know
when to eat bananas."

What color do you think
we should do next?

Purple?

Hmm. Too advanced.

Green?

Brilliant.

Hot off the presses--

I.e. my staple gun--
Behold!

Your very own copy
of my children's book

The Magic Bullet.

It'll be about a little gun
searching for her lost bullet.

A classic

mother-
daughter tale.

Why?

Follow along
as I read an excerpt.

"Bunny was not like
other AK-47s.

"Bunny was an AK that cared.

"Other guns shot
with reckless abandon,

"but Bunny,
her bullets she spared.

"Then one day things went awry,

"and one of her bullets,
away she flied.

"That magic bullet
was her daughter Lips,

with whom she had a complex
interdependent relationship.

"She went searching for her.

It's a little stupid, Dale.

Why is this nonsense so popular?

Sticking babies in front of TVs

can't be good for their brains.

Hank, today's parents just need
a little ten-minute break

now and then, even if it means
a slightly dumber kid.

That's right.
I don't care.

I'm so very tired.

Hey, Uncle Hank,
want to buy my DVD?

Sorry, I sold out.

Luanne, I am so proud of you.

You know, I could've listened
to you, Uncle Hank.

But instead, I chose to succeed
in DVDs and in life.

I'm finally a somebody!

Okay, I need a break.

Uh, please will you open up
my fan mail for me, Bobby?

Need to protect
the money makers.

All right.

Trevor, age six, writes...

Whoops, wrong house.

Uh, but since I'm here,

perhaps you should know
that you inspired me

to write a kid's book, Luanne.

Oh.

Well, I'll have to
check it out sometime.

Um, Bobby...

Excuse me.

Luanne isn't taking
visitors right now.

Will you get John Redcorn
to read it?

Please? I'm begging you!

This is my one shot to share
my heart with the world!

This is kind of beneath me,

but I'll see if I could
get around to it.

Luanne, you've made me
the happiest

exterminator/children's author
in Arlen!

Aw!

The little people
are so touching.

I don't mean children,
I mean unimportant people.

All right, what's the emergency?

I don't know how to say this,
so I'll just say it.

I've got a rolling baby.

What?

Every time I set Gracie down,
she rolls.

I don't know what to do.

Look, Lucky, it's normal for
babies to do weird things.

Babies are weird.

Now, where's Luanne?

Wh-Why isn't she
helping you with this?

She's at a gig
or a photo shoot or something.

I got to admit, dealing with
Gracie is harder than I thought.

Uh-oh, here comes the thunder.

I'll need help
taking off her onesie

to address that twosie.

Oh, I can't believe
I'm getting ready to go out

and perform for hundreds
of my fans.

Everyone loves me, and I don't
even have to love them back.

I really do hope you get to
experience this one day, Bobby.

You really think I can
be successful like you?

Probably not.

Okay, you're on.
Break a leg.

Hello?

That amphitheater
should have been full.

Didn't you advertise the show?

I-I put fliers
all over Gorilla Gulch.

Babies have
short attention spans.

They're onto the next thing,
just like that.

They're ruthless.

But fame doesn't just go away.

That's not how it works.

Look, the DVDs are just
not selling, anymore.

That is why no one came,

and also why
I must cancel your second DVD.

What?
You can't do that.

You need us.

Look at this big dummy.

Thinks he's gonna impress you
by drinking water.

Who are all these people?

The next you.

Give me one more chance.

Okay.

But I expect you
to bring back the "wow."

We already go straight to DVD.

There is nowhere left to go.

How about this idea?

We've tried colors.

Let's move on to words.

Syrup!

Brunch!

That is a terrible idea.

I mean, it's sweet
that you're trying to help.

Sweet and annoying.

And unhelpful.

Do not worry. Peggy Hill
is on damage control.

I think we should go after
new demographics

by introducing new characters.

This one will target the
crippled and blind and Hispanic.

And this one
will target mean girls.

Luanne, why don't you
take a little break?

Your family needs you.

Maybe I have been
ignoring my family.

But I don't want it
to be for nothing.

That's why I can't let
this just slip away!

That's why you need this.

Does this doll
make my hand a slut?

Yes. But for the sake
of educating children.

"Yo. Let's meet
my cool friends.

This is Hosea the...
cool cat."

"'Sup?"

"Obadiah the stallion."

"'Sup?"

"Reggie-Reg the bloke."

"Bangers 'n' mash, yo."

"And...
Gurgle Gurgle...

the... octopus"?

"Um, like, Gurgle Gurgle's
kind of baby-ish.

But whatever, seriously."

"Do you really think so,
Chablis?"

I'm sorry, Gurgle Gurgle,
but this is my last chance.

I'm sorry.

Now we just need
some new stories.

Some Sir Reginald Featherbottom
versus the system thing.

Yeah, I guess we should go edgy.

You know,
I do have one new idea.

About a little gun.

We just sanitized.

Aw!

Thank you

for attending a screening
of my new DVD,

The Manger Babes.

Yo. Hi.

I'm Luanne.

And these are the Manger Babes.

Chablis the brat.

This is like so, such as...

You'll have to excuse her.

She's stressing
'cause she's two-timing

on Hosea with Reggie-Reg.

What the hell is this?

I think it works because it
doesn't lie to my generation.

It's real.

No, it's not.
It's smut.

I don't know, Uncle Hank.

Smut isn't usually
this sophisticated.

Sorry I'm late.

I was scared of being early.

And finally,
our newest Manger Babe:

Bangor, a gun that cares.

That was John Redcorn.

He wants me and "The Babes"
to do another DVD.

I'm back, Lucky!

Oh, that's great, baby doll.

Coincidentally, I've got
something you'll want to hear.

Gracie fell asleep with
her butt up in the air again.

I'll grab the camera.

Oh, you know what?

I want to tell the Babies about
what Redcorn said first.

"Luanne, you stole my dreams.

If you want to ever see your
Manger Babies again, meet me

at the Laundromat. Dale."

Give me back my Babies, Dale!

Too late!

You say they're dry clean only,

but these Babies are dirty
from the inside out.

What?

I want to thank you for coming

to celebrate the life
of the Manger Babies.

What the hell are we doing here?

We're here to
support Luanne, Hank.

Poor thing.

All of her loved ones
end up rotting in jail

or dying in the dryer.

Oh, Lord.

The nerve of that man!

Murderer!

Assassin of hope!

You are not invited to the Babies...
Stealer! Plagiarer!

You're both acting like idiots.

You shouldn't
have stolen Dale's ideas.

You shouldn't
have taken Luanne's dolls.

We shouldn't even be
having this memorial service.

You're right.
Put it like that...

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to steal
your idea, Mr. Gribble.

I just got desperate.

I guess that's what happens
when you sell your soul

for a taste of success.

Wow, that would've been a great
story for the Manger Babies

if I hadn't
brutally murdered them.

Oh, well, what are you gonna do?

I don't know who I am anymore.

I'm like an asteroid
drifting in space

without a puppeting career.

Well, this
should cheer you up, Luanne.

Oh, the Manger Babies
loved it here.

The singing mechanical bears
full of technology.

The pizza.

Hello, John Redcorn.

Are you here scouting new acts?

Soccer party weekend
is like my Super Bowl.

I'm very sorry
things did not work out.

Please, let me send
a pitcher to your table.

I'm sorry.

I don't know who I am anymore,

so I don't know
what soda I'd like.

All right, Luanne, enough.

Forget this nonsense
about finding yourself.

You don't have the luxury of
figuring out who you are.

You're a mother now.
That's who you are.

But, Uncle Hank, I thought...
All the magazines said...

And the talk shows...

Look, it doesn't matter
if you stay at home

or if you work, or whatever.

You're a mom now.

I mean, I'm a dad first,
no matter what.

Even if this country
ran only on propane

and made me its vice president,
I would still be a dad first.

Okay?

And you'd be an uncle second.

Well, fourth, actually.

I can't believe it's really you.

Hello, my former fans.

I bet you thought I'd fall apart

when you deserted me,
didn't you?

Well, guess what?

I did.

But not anymore!

I don't need y'all
to tell me who I am

because Uncle Hank
helped me remember.

And me and Gurgle Gurgle
don't need you anymore.

I'm glad we're done with
our go-go lifestyle.

Besides, I never told you this,

but I didn't care for
that British penguin.

He was so demanding.

Always asking for his marmalade.

Oh, don't cry.

Look, Gracie,
Gurgle Gurgle is here

to tell you all about
his glorious travels.

"Gurgle Gurgle."

You see,

Gurgle Gurgle
only has six tentacles.

So, he went on an adventure
to find the other two...

I respect puppets.

A puppet saved my life once.

Ripped By mstoll