King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 13, Episode 14 - Born Again on the Fourth of July - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

You call that
a flag, Hank?

Dang that Milton Street!

Bobby, would you do me a favor
and stand up?

I just want to see
if you still can.

Come on, Bobby.

Why don't you come out

and help us put up
Fourth of July decorations?

Thing is, Dad,
that sounds totally boring.

It's cool if you're into boring,
but I'm not.

Room, now.



Whatever.

I was kind of in the
mood for a nap anyway.

Almost every
got-dang word

that comes out of his mouth
lately is sarcastic.

And he's even lazier than usual,

if that's possible.

Hank, the time to shape
Bobby's character is now,

while the material is soft.

In Bobby's case,
exceptionally soft.

I don't know what to do here.

I've already taken away

everything Bobby considers fun,

except the plastic ice cubes,

'cause we all use 'em.



If I had a son going through
a rebellious streak,

I would just love him out of it.

You rednecks are useless

as a bucket full of armpits!

No more breaks
till we figure out

how to make Rainey Street
Fourth of July

better than Milton Street's.

They beat us
seven years in a row,

but last year was the worst.

I want to thank you all
for coming.

And now,

I give you Washington
Crossing the Delaware...

in lights.

Look! Milton Street
has real fireworks!

You can have bunting for days

and hot dogs that plump
to the size of footballs.

It's all about the sky candy.

Hank, I know you told me

to stop bringing everyone
down in the alley,

but I hear Heck
Dorland's in charge

of Milton Street
fireworks again.

That guy has
an unfair advantage.

As a former firefighter,

he can push
the pyrotechnic envelope

while still taking
all necessary precautions.

You better do something
fierce, Hank Hill,

before Rainey Street becomes
a poor man's Milton Street.

Good.

You're angry.

Now take it out on Heck Dorland!

You bet I will.

There's no way I'm letting
Rainey Street down again.

Where the heck is Bobby?

We're gonna be late for church.

One minute,
45 second warning, Bobby!

Bobby?

I'm trying to sleep.

Well, you succeeded.

Now try to wake up.

You're not missing church
two weeks in a row.

What's to miss?

It's always-- no
room at the inn,

born in a manger,
stuff happens, the end.

Well, I'm sorry
if the greatest story ever told

doesn't have enough twists
and turns for you, Bobby.

Now get dressed
and get your butt on your bike

and ride to church.

Come on, pants.

I'm waitin' on you.

Large pepperoni, thick crust.

The cheesiest.

Oh. Uh...

cash.

What is wrong with you, boy?

Why weren't you at church?

I was getting ready,

but I worked up an appetite
looking for dress pants,

so I ordered a pizza,
and that ate up a chunk of time.

Where'd you get the money?

He stole it!

Hank, you check
the liquor cabinet,

I'll look between his toes
for needle marks!

Stealing money
from his own mother's purse?!

Who does that?

13 is that critical age

when boys come to
a fork in the road.

And when Bobby gets there,

he might use that
fork to kill us.

Isn't there some prison
we can take him to?

Make him pee
in front of some criminals.

That'll scare him straight.

Hank, maybe this is happening

because Bobby keeps
missing church.

We need to get him back on
the right spiritual path,

even if we have to prop him
up and shove him down it.

If you can forgive
my eavesdropping,

I can help your boy
with his sins.

I'll take him to my church.

Your church?

Uh, that, uh...

Uh, n-no.

We cannot afford
to wait another week.

Church is church,
no matter how much

Lucky makes it sound
like a restaurant.

Please let him go, Uncle Hank.

I'm begging you!

I don't want Bobby
to steal my baby

and use her to buy pizza!

This is your church?

It sounds like
somebody's dying in there.

No, Bobby.

Someone's being born.

We are all sinners!

Each and every one of us.

Sinner... sinner...

big sinner...

who repented!

The wise karate man knew

the unrighteous shall not
inherit the kingdom.

Amen!
Hallelujah!

Not the murderers, heretics,

liars, the fornicators!

Especially not the fornicators.

I used to be one of them.

They will burn!

And hell is all kinds of hot,
my friends.

You burn yourself on the stove--
That's hot, right?

Icy cold, compared to hell.

Lucky, can I hold your hand?

If you want, you can hold both.

Is there anyone here

who is not on a first name basis
with the Lord?

Any newcomers in the house?

Got one right here.

What's your name, son?

Bobby Hill.

Walk with me, friend.

Have you sinned, son?

Have you cheated, lied,

stolen, coveted,

idolated, been sloth-like?

I've done all those things.

I have disrespected my elders.

I have been slothful

in virtually every room
of my house!

I even stole from my mother.

He stole from his mother!

Praise be the Lord!

I feel so awful!

I have a question
for you, Bobby Hill.

Do you want salvation?

Yes, sir, I do.

Let me ask again,
just to be sure.

Do you want salvation?

Do you kind of want it,
or do you really want it?

Do you want salvation?

Do you, Bobby Hill,
want salvation?

I want it!

I want it bad!

I want salvation!

Welcome to the
kingdom of heaven.

I am saved!

Hallelujah!

I got so worked up about Bobby

and this deal
with Milton Street,

I accidentally put 87
octane in the truck.

I guess I'll be knocking

and pinging my way
through this tank.

There they are.

Ooh, I hope Lucky's
church fixed him.

Hey, guys, guess what?

I've been saved!

The preacher said
I was in a bad place,

and if I didn't change,

the devil would burn
all my skin off.

Well, all right, Bobby.

Sounds like they talked
some sense into you.

They sure did.

I'm gonna go clean my room now.

You can't be pure of heart
if you're not pure of room.

Good night and God bless.

Peggy, just to make sure
we out-do Heck Dorland,

me and the guys are heading out

to John Redcorn's
fireworks stand.

Now, I know it's dangerous,

but now is not the time
to play it safe.

All right then.
Be careful.

Mom, I'm gonna be home late.

I got to spread the good word
and reach into the fires of hell

with Jesus's oven mitts

and save a few souls
from getting extra crispy!

All right then.
Be careful.

Dag nab it!

Talk amongst it.

What in the heck are you doing?

Saving souls, sir.

And I can see
yours is up for grabs.

So why not repent
right here, right now?

Get out of here, Bobby.

If those kids could read,

they'd be very upset.

Here you go, sinner.

This is for you, sinner.

And one for you, sinner.

Fornicator!

You're all fornicators!

And if you do not repent,

you will face severe punishment
on judgment day!

That's right, fornicators,
I'm talking to you!

Who will join me
in the fountain?

Come on, let us wash away
our sins.

Don't shake your head at me,
sir.

I can tell from here that you
are a for--

Attention, shoppers!

You cannot buy salvation!

These sparklers will blow
your mind, Hank.

When you write in the air,

the words will stay there
for almost a second.

For the last time, John Redcorn,
I am not a narc.

Now, I've got a stack of 20s

and a tarp for the back
of my truck.

Let's make this happen.

Be careful.

Some of these are illegal.

In Mexico.

Ooh!

Boy, wait'll Heck Dorland
sees all this.

Have you ever seen a grown
man cry besides Bill?

Well, you're about to.

Uh... I guess we've all
seen Dale cry, too.

All right, here we go.

Get ready for some taunting.

Hey, Heck,

we just wanted to
invite you over

for a real fireworks display.

You're gonna see it
from here anyway,

you may as well have
a front row seat.

Well, thanks, Hank, I'd love to
see your little sparkler show,

but I'll have my
flame-resistant,

Kevlar-protected hands full.

Oh, and, uh, dibs on the alley--

I'm gonna need room
for a cherry picker

and two forklifts.

Cherry picker?!

Damn it!

What can we do to top Heck
Dorland's cherry picker?

We need one of those inflatable
things that, that goes like...

I've been saving these plans

for our nation's
sesqui-bicentennial.

But dang it,
we're in a crisis situation.

Hank Hill, is there anything
you cannot do in this garage?

Yep, I know what I've said

about papier-mâché
in the past,

but for my country
and to shut up Milton Street,

I was willing
to put my contempt aside.

Lucky's church was great!

We pulled down the devil's pants

and spanked his evil red butt.

How was your church, Dad?

Well, I didn't make it
to services this morning, Bobby.

I was kinda busy here.

You chose Uncle Sam

over worshipping our Lord
and Savior?

Interesting.

Lord, please forgive my dad

for worshipping false idols.

Amen.

I smite thee in the name
of the Lord!

Well, it's getting windy.

I better go make sure
Uncle Sam's head

isn't exposed to the elements.

Oh, Hank.

Uncle Sam is gone, Peggy.

He's... he's gone.

It's okay, Dad,

this is a good thing.

You're free now.

Who could have done
such a heinous thing?

Don't you mean righteous?

I know who.

Heck Dorland.

And he is gonna have hell
to pay.

That bastard fireman and
everyone else on Milton Street.

This means war.

Can I have
everyone's attention?

Now, this is all that remains
of Uncle Sam.

But it's enough to see

that the people of Milton Street
are barbarians.

And now,
though I'm reluctant to do so,

I'm turning it over to Dale,
an expert in counterattacks.

I have identified three Milton
Street targets

we need to hit to disable
their July Fourth celebration.

Heck has stored the Milton
decorations here,

the food here,

and their fireworks here.

And not to worry,
our own fireworks are safe.

Yep. At this very moment

they are on an 18-wheeler,
heading northwest

at approximately
90 miles an hour.

They're in Kahn's shed.

So you didn't go with
my plan, then?

Dad?

I have something important
to tell you.

Unless it's something about Heck
Dorland, it can wait.

What's all the ruckus?

Hey, my twinkly lights
went missing.

Rainey Street's been here!

Are you sure he didn't see me?

Heck's a fireman!

If he can see through fire,

he can probably see
through dark.

There's no way they can
tie us to the crime.

No got-dang way.

Here.

I recognize that head.

That's Heck Dorland's cowlick!

We've got to protect
our fireworks!

No!

Happy Fourth, suckers!

Okay, we're gonna bombard
them with rotten eggs,

fruit, incendiary
dog bombs--

And sooner or later,
they'll take off to shower,

leaving the shed exposed.

I think it's great how our hate
for other people

brings us together.

I love you guys.

Please help me.

I'm trying to do your will,

but I'm just making things
worse.

I-Is that your will?

C'mon, give me a sign!

Anything!

Yes!

Wait, that's too vague,
I-I don't get it.

Come on, Bobby,
your dad asked us

to gather as much Ladybird poop
as we can find.

We're moving out at 2100 hours.

I don't know how many
o'clocks that is,

but we'll figure it out
together.

Lucky, you gotta help me.

I'm the one
who destroyed Uncle Sam,

not Milton Street.

Oh, Bobby, that's bad.

That's real bad.

When I saw my dad going
off the righteous path

I just wanted to keep him
from going to hell.

You took the wrong message

from what that preacher was
screaming at you.

You shouldn't go
throwing rocks at others

until you've thrown a bunch
of rocks at yourself.

Ah, I guess you're right.

Besides, saving souls
ain't your job.

That position has been filled--

In heaven by the Big Man,

and on screen by Morgan Freeman.

Load up'n 'em
dang ol' fruit, man.

Dang ol' fire!

Take cover!

That's it, I'm showering.

Done!

Dang Rainey Streeters are full
to brimmin' with biodegradables.

I may have to turn my fire
hose on those sons of bitches.

Do it, Heck.
Just do it.

You said-- you said it,
you must want to do it.

Do it. Go on, do it.
Do it!

I'm breakin' out the hose.

We're doing it!

They're down to two Miltonians!

Come on, let's go steal
their fireworks!

He's got a fire hose!
Get back!

Wait!

This is a call for peace.

Hank, that's-that's
Bobby!

Cease fire!

It's just a boy!

Milton Street, hold your fire!

Hold your fire!

Neighbors, you fight
a senseless war.

Milton Street is innocent.

I-I wrecked Uncle Sam,
and I worked alone.

And I let you Milton guys
take the fall.

For that, I am really sorry.

July Fourth is supposed to be a
coming-together-style holiday.

Sure, we may be
from different streets,

but we all love the same things:

fireworks, hot dogs,

potato salad, fixin's.

So let's focus on that--

'cause America's having
a birthday tomorrow,

and we're all invited!

Dad, I'm sorry.

It's okay, son.

You did a stupid,
reckless thing,

but you made it right.

We raised a good boy, Hank.

Yes, we did.

A boy who's gonna continue
to do the right thing

by cleaning up every
bit of this mess.

Okay.

What the...?!
Can't you see

Bobby's a decoy?

Long live Rainey Street!

That was a direct hit
to my fireworks stash!

Duck and cover!

Let's get out of here!

Happy Fourth, Hank.

Uh, stopped by to see

if y'all had any fireworks left.

Happy Fourth!

Where's that kid from?

Applebee Street.

Applebee sucks.

Agreed.

I want salvation!

Ripped By mstoll