King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 13, Episode 13 - Nancy Does Dallas - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

Breakfast race!
Breakfast race!

I win!

No fair!
Interference from the wife!

Dale, for the last time,

you cannot store your poisons
in the fridge.

We keep our food in here.

Come on! I labeled
it this time.

Hello?

Nancy, Tom Chick here.

We just got a hot tip
about a breaking story.



I want you to cover it.

I'm on it, Tom.
Give me the details.

A student at Durndle Elementary

brought his pet possum
to school.

And?

What? Did it bite somebody?

No. It's a baby, and it's cute.
Go film it.

Sure thing, Tom.

Dang it, I'm sick of doing
these stupid animal stories.

But that's the cutest part
of the news.

Well, I'm tired of cute.

Cute doesn't win you
a local Emmy.

I'm bigger than possums, sugs.

But this could be big.



Come on, you're a genius at
making something from nothing.

You made Joseph.

You're right.

If I'm gonna get ahead,
I have to do it myself.

I didn't know you were allowed
to say that word on TV,

let alone advertise a product
for it.

Welcome back.

We've all heard
of playing possum,

but what about playing
with a possum?

Nancy Hicks-Gribble reports.

I'm here at Durndle Elementary

with Billy Cook and
his little friend.

What's your pet's name, Billy?

Oranges!

And how did you sneak
Oranges past school security?

What's security?

Exactly.

A question far too
many schools are asking.

Billy and Oranges stand here
as a chilling reminder

of the tragedy that could've
befallen this school today.

If this boy had been
an intruder,

and this marsupial a gun,

"Show and Tell" could've had
a much different

and deadlier outcome.

I'm Nancy Hicks-Gribble

reporting on this dark day
in Durndle.

That poor school.

What?!
That wasn't even a story.

It was just a bunch of it's.

Hank, what could have happened
is often more important

than what actually happened.

This is terrible.

If someone could bring a possum
to that school,

what's stopping them
from bringing one to mine?!

That classroom intruder
story has me all on edge.

I miss the days

when all I had to worry
about was getting pantsed.

Yeah, school's supposed
to be my time to relax,

but I'm so tense!

Okay, people,

eyes front!

We're not getting caught
with our trousers down

like those poor saps in Durndle.

If any crazies try
to get into this school,

you're gonna know
how to fight back.

But what can we do?

We're just kids.

What...? You knuckleheads
are loaded for bear,

and you don't even know it.

The contents
of an average knapsack contains

at least 13 ways
to disable a man.

You see a pencil, I see a spear.

A squirt of juice box can blind
your assailant.

Cool!
Awesome!

But the textbook can cause
the most damage

from the greatest distance,

like a boomerang
or the Cherokee throwing hammer.

Now, let's see what you've got.

Ooh! Nice shot!

Ow! Ooh. Well done!

Well... Oh, gah.

Keep it up!

Yup.

Mm-hmm.

Sugs!

You are not gonna believe this!

My possum story is so popular,

it got picked up
by 12 affiliates!

Wingo!
Congratulations!

All right.
Huh.

This is so exciting.

Course, I don't know
what an affiliate is,

but I'm just happy you're happy.

It means my wife's face is
gonna be broadcast across Texas.

Nancy, your prison fan mail
is about to quadruple!

Ooh, you're right.

But this isn't about the glory.

I'm just happy
to be making the world safer

in as many markets as I can.

Am I the only one who realizes
that this story isn't news?

How can you say that

after what happened in Durndle?

Nothing happened in Durndle!

Oh, thank God.

Direct hit, Joseph!

What the heck
are you kids doing?

Practicing our book aim, dude.

Mrs. Gribble's story freaked
everybody out at school,

so Coach Kleehammer
said us maggots need

to know how to
protect ourselves.

He says in this time
of uncertainty,

we have to be vigilant
and ready to throw things.

But today is no more uncertain
than yesterday

because nothing happened.

Thank God.

Hello?

Nancy Hicks-Gribble?

Hi. This is
Bret Winslow,

general manager of
KUMT in Dallas.

The News Mountain?

That's right.

Listen, I caught your
classroom intruder piece,

and was very impressed.

So impressed that I'd
like to offer you a job.

Oh, my God!

I mean, I knew it was good,

but I didn't know
it was Dallas good.

This is incredible! I...

I don't know
if we can leave Arlen.

My son is in school here,

my husband
has a job... kind of.

Are you crazy?
Say yes!

Dale, what are you doing
on the phone?

I monitor all incoming calls.

Nancy, you said
you wanted something bigger,

and this is huge!

You go, we'll make it work.

Yeah. Do it, Mom!

That's my boy,
monitoring the monitor.

So, what do you say, Nancy?

I'll take it!

Yay!

Let's meet
in the kitchen for a hug!

Uh, I locked myself
in the basement.

Be right there.

Dale, are you sure you'll be
okay with Nancy away in Dallas?

If you need
a home-cooked meal,

we can go over
to Hank and Peggy's.

Are you kidding?

This is gonna be great.

I can finally do all the
things Nancy won't let me do.

You know, Dale, just
'cause Nancy isn't around,

doesn't mean you can do
whatever you want.

Uh, actually, that's exactly
what it means, Hank.

I can't believe
this is happening!

Me, a reporter in Dallas!

I've wanted this ever since

I stepped in front
of a green screen.

Oh, I'm so nervous.

What if I can't make it
in the Metroplex?

Oh, of course you can, Nancy.

You're ruthless.

Remember when you paid
that kid with impetigo

to hang out with your
homecoming queen competition?

Yeah.

You look sweet, but you'd
go for the windpipe

first chance you get.

Oh, thank you, sugs.

Well, the car is packed
and ready to go.

Uh, Nancy, are you sure
about this?

You know, leaving Dale alone,
uh, with your son

and your house,
which you still owe money on?

This is my chance, Hank.

Besides, Dale will be fine.

He can survive anything.

He's like one
of his cockroaches.

Mom, has your luggage been
out of your possession

since you packed it?

Yeah.
Security breach.

Joseph, sniff the bags.

All right, ready, camera one?

I need a single on Nancy.

Prep the graphic.

And... go, camera one.

Councilman Schneider could not
be reached for comment.

Wade and Gwen, back to you.

Well, thanks for
that report, Nancy.

And that's the news for tonight.

I'm Gwen St. James.

And I'm Wade Bixby.

Good night and remember,

we move mountains
to bring you the news.

And we're out.

Nice job, Nancy.

You looked good out there.

Thanks. It felt good.

So, Nancy, every night,
we gather in my office

for a little, uh,
post-show analysis,

aka "Happy Hour."

That's us-- think tank by day,
drunk tank by night.

Just be careful.

After a couple a drinks,
Wade gets a little grabby.

I do.

Well, I guess I don't have
to rush home

to my family
like I usually do after work.

You know, a drink sounds nice.

Vodka, this is Chopper One.

Traffic is clear from
my mouth to my stomach.

Whoo!

Give me the keys, Nancy.

I want to buzz my ex-husband's
girlfriend's condo.

I'm... Wade...

Bixby!

Have you guys seen Dale lately?

It makes me nervous
when I can't see him.

Nope.
And with Nancy being away,

I figured we'd hang out
all the time.

A couple of bachelors,
out on the town,

up to no good.

But things are the same.

Hey, fellas, check it out!

Only four more A/C units to go,

and my transformation
to igloo status

will be complete.

Dale, you giblet-head.

What are you doing
to your house?

Reclimatization, Hank.

At the rate this world is
cranking out carbon dioxide,

we're just begging
for another Ice Age.

If I prepare my body
for sub-zero temperatures now,

I'll be able to enjoy
the glaciers

rather than be killed by them.

Wow, you're really
on top of things.

Dale, this is crazy.

Does Nancy know what
you're doing here?

Maybe you like to bore Peggy

with all your little projects,

but I'm not going to bore
my wife with mine.

Hey, Gribble, where should I put

the walrus before it wakes up?

Joseph's bed.

I hate basketball,
but I love these martinis.

Yes, being a Dallas celebrity
does have its perks.

Course, some of us
spend a fortune

keeping this
"lifestyle" off our face.

Isn't that right, Gwennie?

Finally, more shrimp.

I hate that man.

Really? I always thought

you and Wade were
having an affair.

We are.
It's good for ratings.

Want to know how evil he is?

Absolutely.

Every year, the station
sponsors a float

for the Rodeo Days parade.

Wade, of course,
gets one of the seats,

and he gets to pick
who sits next to him.

And every year, instead of me,
he picks his dog.

Oh, sug.

You just made me hate Wade, too.

You know, I think it's time
for some new blood

on top of that float.

And behind the anchor desk.

Hmm, couple of Texas
beauties, perhaps?

I like you, Nancy.

You're going to go far here.

What the heck is Dale
doing over there?

Stop worrying about Dale
for two seconds

and tell me what
you think of this one.

Oh, I don't know, it's a dress.

Just like the last one.

Hank, Nancy was nice enough
to invite

Minh and me to a fancy
Dallas party.

The least I can do is look good.

But not too good,
so Minh doesn't feel bad.

Well, make sure you tell Nancy

that her jackass husband

is one air conditioner away
from an electrical fire.

I knew her leaving
him alone was a bad idea.

Vigilance!

Robert Jeffrey Hill,
have you lost your mind?!

Always check under the bed.

That's Home Safety 101.

Out.
Okay.

But tomorrow,
we work on closets.

I respect Wade,
but I worry about him.

A man his age,
sneaking off to Mexico.

Bringing back experimental

black market pharmaceuticals.

I know he is a local
broadcasting legend,

but maybe it would be best...

You know, for the station.

...if Nancy
and I represented

KUMT on the Rodeo Days float.

Hmm, well, I am getting a little
tired of that beagle of his.

I'll give it some thought.

Nice work, partner.

I thought I had game,
but I am impressed.

Excuse me, Gwen,
my friends have arrived.

Hey, sugs!

Welcome to the
fabulous life, girls!

Now, don't be intimidated by
all these beautiful people.

Inside, we're all
the same as you.

Yeah, well, thanks
for inviting us, Nancy.

And we bring
greetings from Arlen.

Everyone except Kahn says hello.

Oh, how is everyone?

Are they watching me on TV?

It must be exciting for them

to see somebody they know
get so famous.

Yeah, real treat.

Ooh, see that lady?

The one with the
fake everything?

We've been secret plotting

to get Wade Bixby fired.

But what she doesn't
know is that

I'm secret double-crossing her

to get her fired, too.
High-five!

Nancy, that's awful.

Well, I have to get ahead, sug.

Enjoy your drinks, ladies.

I have some rumors to spread.

What the hell was that?

I, I do not know.

I've seen Nancy
with her claws out before,

but I had no idea
she could be like this.

I both respect and fear her.

Oh, it's too cold in here.

I can't feel my baby finger!

Are you supposed
to feel your baby finger?

Dad?! Darkness!

Dang it, all my air conditioners

must've sploofed
our electrical system.

Which is why we have
to poach Hank's electricity

to keep the cold coming.

Help me find
the jumbo extension cord.

Mm...?

Intruder!

I got him!

Dale?! Call Nancy.

You found this in Gwen's desk?

I just can't believe it.

I know.

So, so shameful.

Wade and Gwen
don't deserve to go

anywhere near that parade float.

Nancy, I want you alone
on the News Mountain.

Thank you, Bret.

I will not let you down.

Wow, I got to get this
thing out of the building.

Yes!

Looks like I'll be on top
of the mountain, sugs.

Enjoy the view
from the cheap seats.

Hello?

Nancy! Oh, thank God
I caught you.

Okay, Dale...

Can't talk, sug.

It's my victory party!

Next round's on me, sugs!

Whoo-hoo, yeah!

For the last time, Dale,

I'm sorry my son beat you up.

Even though you're the one
who broke into my house.

Irrelevant.

C-Can someone open my beer?

The pain is too great.

Of course, Dale.

Eh-phtew!

Heh-heh.

That brought me some pleasure.

So, uh, when's Nancy coming home

to deal with, uh, this?

My baby's way too busy for that.

Nancy's top dog
at the station now, Hank.

She's even going to be
in a parade.

Isn't that great?

Wait, Nancy's not coming back

because of a parade?

It does take a lot of focus.

Yes. And I'd like
to be there

to support my wife,
but thanks to your son,

my driving leg is broken.

So as father of my assailant,

I demand you
chauffeur me to Dallas.

All right, fine.

If it'll shut you up.

Vengeance will be mine!

Retracted.

Hey, lady! I'm ready

to ride the mountain!

Have you been drinking?

Ugh, you look terrible.

We need to get you
into makeup, stat.

I could have you killed.

And here comes the entry

from the Dallas
Farm Association.

This is the first time
in Rodeo Days history

a float has been
shaped like corn,

made of corn and fueled by corn.

Better keep it away
from the horses.

Hank, I do not know

what to expect from Nancy today.

Last time we talked,
she was full of herself.

And domestic champagne.

I'm sure she's fine, Peggy.

More baton twirlers?

Where's that tank
they keep talking about?

Look! There's my Nancy!

Nancy!

Nancy, wave at me!

Hello, Dallas!

Hey, goat!

My Nancy!

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Good night.

Nancy Hicks-Gribble, everyone!

Wow.

Yep.

Oh, now this is a nice shot.

I can see why
the Dallas Morning News

put it on their front page.

Bret, I'm so sorry.

So am I. Clean out your desk.
You're fired.

"Fired"?! Bret, wait!

Let me explain.

It was an accident.

I, I, I thought all those drinks

were just orange juice.

Save it, sweetheart.

You disgraced the Mountain.

Clearly some people
weren't made for metro news.

Way to climb your
way to the bottom.

Uh, Nancy?

W-What are you
doing out here?

Waiting for the day to end.

Come on.

So you publicly
humiliated yourself

and got fired for it.

Don't dwell on the past.

There are plenty of things
to look forward to.

Like what?

I'm back where I started.

I got my crappy job back
at crappy Channel 84.

And it's crappy.

Well, that's something.

Gainful employment and whatnot.

Listen, I know it feels
like your dreams

have been crushed forever,
but maybe that's okay.

A smaller market
with less temptation

and fewer opportunities
might be just what you need.

You're right.

A small market
is where I'll shine.

I'll catch the eye
of another big station

by annihilating my competition.

Oh, Miguel has
plenty of skeletons.

I'll systematically destroy him,

and then anyone else
who gets in my way.

Houston is mine!

Nancy, where are you?

I can't reach the fire
extinguisher and I need it!

And I need new toast!

Oh, forget it.

I'm too tired for Houston.

Coming, Dale!

That's it.

It's Dale.
Huh?

Dale and all his nonsense
keeps Nancy so busy,

she doesn't have
the time or energy

to be like she was in Dallas.

So Nancy needs Dale
more than Dale needs Nancy.

Huh. Weird.

That was a close one, huh?

It sure is
great that you're home,

and not just for
fire-retardant purposes.

I missed you.

Channel 84 must be happy
to have you back, too.

It's quite an honor for
them to have a big-time

Dallas reporter behind
their anchor desk.

You're going to be all over

that one billboard they have.

I guess you're right.

Sorry the house
smells like walrus.

Me, too, sug.

I'm... Wade... Bixby!

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