King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 13, Episode 12 - Uncool Customer - full transcript

Peggy and Bobby try to impress a trendy mother and daughter that they meet in Bobby's cotillion class, while Hank finds a good new restaurant but hates the seating arrangements.

Ripped By mstoll

Welcome to Speakerz Music.

Can I help you find something?
Yes.

I have discovered
this new singer.

His name is Michael Buble.

He's a crooner.

Huh. I always
assumed that

people who wanted
to buy that type of music

would do it anonymously online.

You can buy music online?

Ooh... I, I need the cassette.



Cassette?

Hey, do you have
that song that goes:

I'm sorry,
I got to... yeah.

If you ask me, people gave up

on cassingles much too quickly.

Huh. Remember that old
polygamist compound?

Looks like they turned
it into a restaurant.

I had no idea.

I realized something
today, Hank.

I don't move and shake
the way I used to.

I'm just not as plugged in
anymore.

Well, sure you're plugged in.

You're the one who told us
about aloe vera.

Am I just going to listen
to the same cassettes



and wear the same clothes
until the day I die?

Well, not if they wear out.

Hank, I don't want to be
one of those people

who still writes checks
at the grocery store,

or wears sweatpants to the mall.

Not yet.

You know, from the dates
on these tapes,

I lost touch 12...
Nope, 13 years ago.

I wonder what happened to me.

Hey, guys.

Hmm, I guess we'll never know.

Hey, Dad?

I was thinking.

One of the things
I like most about you

is that you have
such good manners.

Thank you.

There's this class I can
take that could teach me,

well, to be more like you.

What kind of class is that?

It's called cotillion.

"Cotillion."

Isn't that where
the girls learn to curtsey

and wave their
handkerchiefs and whatnot?

The girls do that, and the boys

learn to be little gentlemen.

And it only takes six Saturdays.

Uh...

you know, Bobby, ROTC has
an after-school program.

They'll teach you manners
and military history.

I think that's a better option.

Here's the deal, Dad.

I'm in a dating rut.

Because of all my comedy bits,

I'm in the friend zone

with the girls at school.

Kids from all over Arlen take
cotillion classes.

It'll give me a chance
to meet new girls.

If this is just an elaborate way

for you to get to dress up
and parade around...

I'm not going
to lie to you, Dad.

I am going to love it!

But this girl problem is real.

Well, your handshake
could use a firmer grip,

and a faster upswing.

Thanks, Dad!

Yee-ah!

Wow! A whole new
crop of girls.

And not one of them has seen my

"flatulent monkey visits
the post office" routine.

You know, Bobby,

I think the drunks say it best.

Sometimes you have to accept
the things you cannot change.

Sure, you used to be
up on things,

and maybe those days
are behind you,

but you still have value.

Huh?

Hun Chin Ko.
Hun Chin Ko!

She can't wait to get started.

Rafters.

What can I get for you today?

Uh, I think I'll try
the meat loaf sandwich.

You think or are you sure?

'Cause once I enter it in,
they start making it.

Yes, one meat loaf
sandwich, please.

Uh, what's the procedure
to get a table?

Well, you just sit wherever
there's an open chair.

We're not "shee-shee"
here, it's a barn.

Oh, oh, there's, uh,
room at the big table.

Uh, I, I-I don't think
you understand.

See, I'm not with those people.

No one's a stranger
at the Arlen Barn!

Oh, did you hear?

With the new birth
control pills,

you only have to have
one period a year.

That's good, 'cause that patch

makes my boobs really sensitive.

Hm.

Mmm...
How is it?

Well, let me put it this way.

This table smells like a diaper,

and this is still the best meal
I've had in years.

She loves chips.

Anyone have an aspirin?

All this clinking.

You know, for a while now,

there's been something
in the bottom of my purse.

It's either an aspirin
or a breath mint.

Here it is... it's covered
in lint, but you can have it.

I have some French aspirin.

It's amazing.

Cute!

Where did you get that?

This thing?
It was in the gift bag backstage

at the Gwen Stefani concert.

There's separate compartments

for Eastern
and Western remedies.

Gwen thought of everything.

Ooh! Really? Wow!

Oh, I don't know her.

I had to take
my daughter Michael.

Oh, I think you meant
your son Michael.

You just said daughter.

I-I think you meant son.

Oh.

Your bag is delicious!

I've been looking
for one just like it.

I know, right?

It's made out of vintage
Star Wars bedsheets.

My friend makes these.

Well, she did,

before she got cast
on Saturday Night Live.

Wow.

And that is the proper way

to remove a lady's coat.

Do not yank!

Whew!

Here we go.

May I take your coat, miss?

Eye contact!

Yes, you may.

Do not yank!

Introductions!

I'm Michael.

What if I told you
my name was Amanda?

It's not.
It's Bobby.

You're funny.

That's major.

"Major"?

Sorry, they use it in Britain.

It means, you know, "cool."

Like perfume that
smells like dirt

or numbers used as letters.

Sure it's snake poison,
but it lasts longer than Botox.

Judging by
how long it took them

to learn how to eat soup,
this junkhausen

could go on forever.

Who wants to go to this new wine
bar a block over?

Oh, that sounds great.

There is nothing like
an afternoon Chardonnay.

Uh... I'm not sure
if they still have that.

They've got mostly Gruner
Veltliner and Spanish Duero.

Oh, well, whatever.

Pour it in a glass and throw
an ice cube and I'm happy.

You're fun.

You say what you think,

like you're already drinking.

Now, I got
to warn you...

The DJ spins tons
of Danish prog rock,

but usually it's stuff
you haven't heard.

It seems like people who
already know about this place

are the only ones
who could ever find it.

Secrets are fun, huh, ladies?

Yeah, about that.

Can I get y'all to, um,
look away?

It's also a secret
where the doorbell is.

He's trained
to remove the uncool.

I'm a goner.

Okay, Peggy, reject them
before they reject you.

Uh, I just saw my ex!

I can't go in!

We're in.

You bet I'm in.

And I am never leaving.

Michael is the coolest girl.

She uses words we know

in ways that you'd never expect.

And her mother Katt!

She is so hip!

She walks with this interesting
straight-legged saunter.

I think I should start
doing that.

Stop that.

Your gait is fine the way it is.

I want Michael to be
my girlfriend.

And I want Katt
to be my girlfriend.

Oh, I know it sounds silly,

but I need a friend like
Katt right now.

How great would it be
to have doors open for me

and people ask me what I like,
so they know what to like.

I would never be out
of the loop again.

I'm excited for all of us!

Hank, I'm honored
that you'd want

to spend a weekend meal with us.

Uh, no offense, Bill,

but I just need you
guys as a buffer.

The only table that's ever open

is the big table, and I
want to be surrounded.

Still honored.

Go! Grab it!

Thank God.

That pregnant woman was fast,

but we wanted it more.

Your surname "Babcock"?

No, it's Dauterive.

Huh. You look like
you're a kin

of the Lubbock Babcocks.

Tell me about them.

Well, there's Johnnie Babcock.

He's a racist.

Then there's Donita.

She works for
the water department.

How was school
today, Ms....

Good-bye.

Hun Chin Ko, it's improper

to say "good-bye"
unless the end

of the conversation
is mutually reached.

May we have
the next pair, please?

Hey!

Hello, this is Robert Hill

calling for
Ms. Michael Savage.

Is she available, please?

You are speaking
to Ms. Savage.

Hello, Mr. Hill.

Oh, Mr. Hill is my father.

My friends call me Bobby.

You should call me Robert.

I, I know we just
met the other day,

but I feel like
I've known you forever.

I bet in no time we will be

completing each other's...

Hi, again.

I want to say Penny.

Peggy.

I must ask:

What is a contemporary woman
like yourself

doing in this class?

I mean, cotillion
hasn't been cool for,

you know, five years.

I know.

Cotillion isn't even retro.

But Michael wants me to throw
her a fancy birthday party.

So she's going to learn
grace and poise

and all that "biz-naz."

Really? You know who loves
birthday parties?

My son Bobby.

He pins the tail on the donkey
like a surgeon.

We both do.

You know, I still haven't
filled up my last table,

and the invites are being
delivered tomorrow.

I should totally invite
some of you guys.

Hey, you know what
would make me happy?

A meal at the Arlen Barn

with my family strategically
placed around me.

Now, I warn you,
people will try to talk to you,

and that's fine,
just don't pull me in.

We cannot go.
We're waiting to see

if we scored an invite

to the children's
party of the decade!

;
Okay,

Well, I guess I could just

cover my ears with my hands,

but then how would I...

Headphones!

Mom, we have to get invited.

It... would be... the best!

It's true!

Oh, my God!
I know!

You two have lost your minds.

Oh, it's just some box.

Wait a minute.

Whoo!
Whoo!

See, you are cool.

Hey, let's go celebrate
with a sandwich, superstar!

Oh, no.

I have a long way
to go before I am cool.

But I will get there.

Now, Bobby, we have to find out

what's "in," and
do/buy/read/hear/wear it.

We have got to "ba-ring" it
to this party!

Those are great.

It's nice to see someone

not want the clear frames.

I can't tell you how many people
come in and get those.

They're so trendy.
I mean...

I'll take the clear frames!

According to a gadgets blogger

named "Quaalude,"
this is the "it" vacuum.

Are you sure?

This one seems more space-agey.

Oh, no. Seeing the dust
swirl around is so over.

"Frittatas."

Nope.
Never tried them.

Bill, the question is
not if you have

tried them or not,
just if you have heard of them.

Sure, I've heard of them.

"Cuddle parties."

No.
Dang 'al nope.

I have never heard of those.

"Julia Roberts' niece."

Nuh-uh. Does she also laugh
when she's startled?

This is asinine.

Don't you think people should
like you for yourself,

and not because you know
all this nonsense?

I cannot be myself, Hank.

I like socks and Chardonnay.

Son, son, your
pants are falling down.

Here, I'll cover you.

This is the style, Dad.

Don't worry, I'm wearing
two pairs of underwear.

Think of this outer underwear
as part of the pants.

How about you wear pants

and I'll think
about them as pants?

Bobby, we are ready
for this party.

I've even invented a word
for how ready we are.

We're "rizzidy."

This is so exciting!

This'll be the first time

I've ever seen
Michael's bare hands!

And I am just four marble
stepping stones away

from being Katt's BFF.

That is "a friend
one is very loyal to."

Ladies and gentlemen,

making her grand entrance,

the birthday girl,
Michael Savage!

Hills in the crib!

Aw, yeah!

Heavens!

Aah! My party is ruined!

My life is over!

Michael! Come back here!

Oh, this is so awful.

Maybe nobody noticed.

Erase them!
Erase them!

Violet!
Cayden!

Check everybody's cell phone.

Oh, Katt, I am so sorry.

I thought this was
the appropriate attire.

Look, I know you didn't mean
to show up and wreck

everything I worked
ten months for.

Honestly, if it wasn't this,

she'd freak out
about something else.

Still, I... I regret
that we were the cause

of her freak out.

And there she goes.

I got to go coax Michael down
from the tree house again.

Y'all way ruined
Michael's party!

This was supposed to be

the sickest party in the world!

If this is a joke,

it isn't funny, like, at all!

It is totally obstructive!

I'd like to order

a meat loaf sandwich, please.

That won't be necessary.

I'd like it to go.

Sure. If you'll
just have a seat,

we'll bring it right out to you.

Never mind.

We have got to get out of here.

I have never been
that humiliated

in front of that many people.

I definitely have.

But still, that was pretty bad.

Someone's coming!

Quick! In here.

I don't hate Kendice,

I'm just saying her
mother's a belly dancer.

Whew!

Oh, my God.

What is this place?

It looks like the lair
of a crazy human

or a smart animal.

I know, right?

Aah!
Oh, Lord!

Oh, I swear,
we were not snooping,

we, we were just trying
to find a way out.

I never wanted anyone
to see this.

I don't know, maybe I did,

since I didn't keep it locked
or anything.

You're not going
to lock it now, are you?

Ah, being as cutting edge
as I am,

it's a full-time job.
Seriously.

I wake up when it's still dark
to watch the European news.

Then I check in
with the club kids

just before they go to bed.

I read 142 blogs a day,
every day, every hour.

And look at me,
I'm texting right now.

Huh. Wristbands are out.

Sure, all of this seems crazy.

But I don't know, I guess that's
the price you pay for glamour.

I mean, look at this bag.

Mm, that's an Uchi Tomagoi.

It's not coming out
for three months.

I believe it.

It looks like
it's from the future.

I want this bag,

that collage, your life!

Trust me, you don't.

See, I follow trends.

All of them,
no matter what...

Piercings, colonies,

trendy surgeries,
online affairs.

I've even done some
street fighting.

You think Katt Savage
is my real name?

It's not.

It's Barb Davis.

And now...

I'm free.

I-I do not understand.

I knew I was drawn to you
for a reason.

I must've had
a subconscious need

to break away from all this.

Oh... so, I am so "uncool,"

I snapped you
out of your hip trance?

Exactly.

Peggy, you aren't
driven by trends

or fashion or snarky Web sites.

You don't need to be.

You are your own person.

And I think that's way cool.

Well, come
to think of it, so do I.

So, what are regular people
into these days?

For starters,
we buy all our makeup

at the grocery store.

What about me and Michael?

Are we, uh...?

We are not.

I had a nightmare
I was being chaste.

Who was chasing you?

No "chaste."

As in "no intercourse."
It was horrible.

What's "intercourse"?

Is that like a car race?

Hill residence.

May I speak
to "Mr. Robert Hill?"

This is he.

"I am calling
because I would like

to ask you out on a date."

Yes!

May I ask who's calling?

It's done.

Ah! Great.

Money first.

What the...?

Uh, they gave it to me

and it had a bite
out of it, you know.

Mmm-mm-mm!

Do not yank!

Ripped By mstoll