King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 1, Episode 7 - Westie Side Story - full transcript

Hey, look at that.

I guess we're finally getting
some new neighbors.

I tell you, if that boy handles a football...

half as good as he handles
a cardboard box...

Arlen High's got herself a new tight end.

Hey, you think the dad's a good bowler?
Yeah, he looks like a good bowler.

Maybe he needs someone to bowl with.

Notice how he lifts with his legs.

I think they're gonna fit in just fine.

Howdy, fellas. What brings you to Arlen?

This family hired us to move their stuff.



HANK: Well, I'll be damned.
BILL: They look Japanese.

DALE: No, I think they're Chinese.
BILL: How can you tell?

Japanese guys usually have glasses...

and a suit and a tie, and stuff like that.

Well, a neighbor is a neighbor.

Let's go over and say hi.

Do you reckon they even speak English?

BOOMHAUER: Yeah, man, them Chinese,
you can't understand a word they say.

They just try living
all upside down, what-not.

Hi there, I'm Hank Hill, I live next door...

which means I'm your neighbor,
and you're my friend.

I think you'll find we have
a great little community here.

What do you think of it so far?

I am Kahn Souphanousinphone.



So that's pronounced "Caan," right?
Nice to meet you.

What the hell are you trying to do?

So are you Chinese or Japanese?

I live in California last 20 year,
but first come from Laos.

Laos. We Laotian.

The ocean? What ocean?

We are Laotian! From Laos, stupid!

It's a landlocked country in Southeast Asia.

It's between Vietnam and Thailand, okay?

Population 4.7 million.

So are you Chinese or Japanese?

PEGGY: This is so very exciting.

It's like we get to travel to the Orient
without having to worry about diarrhea...

or being jailed
for our pro-democracy beliefs.

At the beauty academy, they teach us...

that people aren't black or white
or yellow or red...

but their hair can be.

I'm going to invite
our new neighbors to dinner.

We can't expect them to break the ice.

These people are by nature
shy and reserved.

I read somewhere
that the Chinese language...

has 72 words for "rice,"
but no word for "friend."

KAHN: "Howdy, you all."

"Howdy, howdy, howdy."
Can you believe this crap?

You want to live in this country,
learn to speak English! I'm not going!

- But you promised.
- Why go?

I could just stay home, order a bucket
of chicken, watch Hee Haw, same thing.

For once, try not to piss off neighbor.
We kick out of Laos.

We kick out of Anaheim.
I'm tired of running!

Hello, Kahn.

Hank. Oh, damn!

You have damn fine house.

Lead-free since 1988.

This is my wife, Minh,
and daughter, Kahn Jr.

And this is Peggy Hill.

On behalf of Arlen, Texas, I would like
to welcome you to our country.

Please make yourselves at home,
and take off your shoes.

Why? You just shampoo carpet?

Come on, Bobby. Have some seconds.
The girl's lapping you.

I've never had beef chop suey before.

Really? Oh, you poor dear.

You know, I read somewhere...

that in certain parts of China...

meat is as scarce as toilet paper.

- Where you read that?
- Who can remember?

As a substitute teacher, I have
to review all sorts of learning materials.

- Maybe it was on a place mat.
- So you're a teacher.

Maybe you can tell me
why Arlen test scores are so low.

I know why. It's because Kahn Jr. Not there
to bring up average.

My boy here might not be
the best test-taker...

but he's got near perfect attendance.
Tell them, Bobby.

I hope you all saved some room
for my famous Apple Brown Betty.

The recipe's a closely guarded
family secret...

passed on from my mother's mother,
to my mother, to me.

And someday, I will give it to my Bobby.

- At least the Brown Betty was good.
- You must give me recipe.

Oh, Minh, you know I can't do that.

But what I can do
is offer you some leftovers.

Here, now just reheat this
for 10 minutes at...

I've already said way too much.

Well, y'all come back now, y'hear?
That's Texan for "sayonara."

Oh, my! Peggy Hill,
what big feet you have! Like boat!

That's just the way God made me.

Look at me!
I'm like little girl in Mama shoes!

Okay, bye-bye now!

Honey, she didn't mean anything by it.

You do not come into a woman's home...

and insult her feet! You just don't.

Come on, Peg, remember when
you first moved here from Montana?

You called pop "sody pop."

And you thought 93 in the shade was hot.

Our new neighbors are just like you.

All they need is a little bit of time,
and Hank Hill to watch out for them.

Well, do you think my feet are too big?

No, there's just more of you to love.

Ow.

Sorry.

Be careful, Bobby.
That's one of them Chinese fighting dogs.

No, it's a West Highland Terrier.

- Yeah, that's it. So what's his name?
- Doggie.

Yes, Kahn Jr., he's a doggie.
Now can you tell me his name?

He's called "Doggie."

And that's called a doggie, too,
but her name is Ladybird.

She's a purebred Georgia Bloodhound.

Her mama tracked down James Earl Ray.

Aren't kids great?

They're too young
to know about fear or prejudice.

They won't have to learn that
till high school.

There's a real lesson here for all of us.

Move, please, you're standing on my hose.

Dad, look, Ladybird and Doggie
like each other.

Of course they do, son, they're neighbors.

You know, Kahn, I just found
a breeding partner for my Ladybird.

If you're interested in having
a real American dog, I can give...

What the hell? Get him off of her!

Your Ladybird, she real slut!

Ladybird is not a slut. She is in heat.

Her hormones have overwhelmed
her natural modesty.

For Pete's sake, would you tie up your dog?

You tie your dog. She seduced my Doggie.

That's ridiculous, Ladybird can only love
another purebred Georgia Bloodhound.

You know what I think, Hank Hill?
I think you a narrow-minded redneck!

Oh, I get it. Just because I'm from Texas,
I got to be some kind of redneck!

The Chinese and their stupid stereotypes!

Get off my property!

Sorry, Ladybird, I know you didn't mean...

to have relations with that dog.

But I got to tie you up anyway, if only
to protect your virtue and good name.

BOOMHAUER: Man.

Well, hey, look at that.

Maybe Kahn'll let you borrow
his sexy little import.

I'd cut my entire quarter acre
with a Lady Bic...

before I'd borrow that man's mower.
I just don't like him.

- Why? Because he's Chinese?
- No.

I thought he was Korean.

What the hell's the difference?

I don't like the man. That has
nothing to do with where he's from.

I'm no redneck.
He could be from Mars, for all I care.

Believe me, Hank,
if Kahn were from Mars, you'd care.

Especially after he's stolen every last drop
of Earth's drinkable water...

to transport back to his home planet...

Mars.

PEGGY: Come on, stop dawdling.
We have to pick up that pizza...

before the cheese gets cold
and the pineapple gets hot.

What's the rush?
If we're not there in 30 minutes, it's free.

MINH: Peggy Hill!

LUANNE: Wait! Aunt Peggy, it's Minh!

MINH: Stop.

Why, Minh, I almost did not see you there.

Peggy Hill!

I feel deeply sorry about dinner.

We get off to bad start.
I say things I should only have thought.

Oh, Minh, thank you.

It must've taken a lot of courage
to apologize like that.

And I know.
I was once the new girl in town, myself.

Me, Kahn, Kahn Jr.,
have a barbecue tomorrow.

It mean so much if you come.

Well, thank you, Minh.
We would be honored to come.

If you need any help with the barbecue...

or if you just want to know
what a barbecue is, you give me a call.

Uh-uh, Peggy.

I can't go, I won't.
Not after what he said about Ladybird.

Oh, Hank, come on.
Minh and I just made up.

We have to go, and if you stay home...

people will think you don't like Kahn
because he's Oriental.

That is ridiculous.

I hate the man
because he's rude and nasty.

Not because of what
his people did to us in WW II.

Hank, I know that. But everyone else,
they'll say Hank Hill is a racist.

What the hell kind of country is this,
where I can only hate a man if he's white?

Hank Hill, you will go to that party,
you will pretend to like Kahn...

and you will drink until you actually do.

Go on.

- Howdy, Kahn.
- Howdy, howdy, howdy.

Here you go.

I thought you might enjoy 7.5 gallons
of pure, premium propane.

Are you kidding? No, I cook with mesquite.

Give meat nice taste of wood.

And I cook with propane.
Gives meat nice taste of meat.

- Hank Hill.
- Hey, whatever.

Some cultures like mesquite,
some prefer propane.

Doesn't mean we can't all get along.

Just because I happen to sell propane
and propane accessories...

Okay, go stick tank on the table.
Keep napkins from blowing away.

- Kahn Souphanousinphone.
- Okay.

You honor me by giving me gas.

Doggie's just like me.

He's new in town,
and he's only got one friend.

Yeah.

But at least you're not tied up.

If I were, I'd just dislocate my shoulders
and slip out of the knot.

I'd chew through the leash.
I bet it tastes just like a Bible cover.

Hey...

Let's untie him. They belong together.

And it's fun to watch them play piggyback.

There you go, boy. Go play with Ladybird.
Be with your true love.

Wait, come back! You're in love!

KAHN JR: Doggie! No, come back!

Look, it's Peggy Hill! My new best friend!

She's so pretty in her
little yellow sundress.

Oh, Minh, you are so sweet.

I could just mix you up in some Jell-O,
and eat you for dessert!

Peggy Hill, look at husbands!

Too bad men don't get along like we do.

We get along. Men stupid, women smart.

The whole world over.

Hey, look what I make,
Peggy Hill Brown Betty.

But that's impossible,
I never gave you the...

Where'd you get my granny's recipe?

I figure it out myself,
and then make it better.

Her recipe missing one thing. Flavor!

- I beg your P?
- I add flavor, nutmeg flavor.

Now taste much better, don't you think?

MINH: Please to try Peggy Brown Betty.

Would you like Peggy Brown Betty?

It's tasty, delicious.

To be honest, I have always had trouble
keeping your Brown Betty down...

but this here is pure heaven.

HANK: Those burgers look done to me.
KAHN: Not yet.

- You might want to turn them now.
- Too soon.

Okay.

- You might want to turn them now!
- No! Please go away.

Please, Kahn, you're burning them.
That's too much char!

Shut mouth and open mouth!

Boy, howdy!
That is the best damn burger I ever ate.

Stop! Stop pushing!
There's enough for everyone...

if three people go home right now! Joke!

Doggie.

Doggie?

- Kahn Jr?
- Yeah?

- Why are you named "Kahn Jr."?
- My father wanted a boy.

Yeah, so did mine.

My dad is so lame.

He makes me practice violin
five hours a day.

My dad won't let me watch TV
more than five hours a day.

Well, my dad's making me memorize
2,000 words for the SAT.

He's such an autocrat.

What's a S- A-T?

I tell you, Peggy, there's nothing
these people can't make better.

First the automobile, then the color TV,
and now the hamburger.

How do they do it?

With a dash of nutmeg, Hank!
A dash of nutmeg!

Oh, Peggy Hill!

Your husband like burger so much,
I give you recipe.

Now you can please him.

I don't care what country he's from.

Any man who can make a burger like that
is okay by me.

You said it!

It was so good, it's almost a shame
to lose it to the process of digestion.

I tell you what,
that dang old onion soup powder, man.

Just put a little bit of that,
you don't need no grilled onions.

How about you, Dale?
How many you got under your belt?

- Zero.
- How come?

I don't eat dog.

Okay, here are the facts as I see them.

- Kahn served you dog.
- Kahn did not serve us dog.

That's just an awful stereotype.
Chinese people don't really do that.

I don't know.

Anyone crazy enough
to put nutmeg in Brown Betty...

well, they'd be crazy enough
to do anything.

Even if they did feed us dog,
you know, who are we?

Who are we to judge other cultures?
Maybe they're on to something!

Who are we to judge other cultures?
Maybe they're on to something!

They did invent paper, you know.

Quit talking like that!
Dog is man's best friend.

- Would you eat your best friend?
- Of course not!

Are we talking about
some kind of lifeboat situation, here?

I don't want to paint myself into a corner.

Look, I can settle this right now.
That woman gave us the recipe.

See, right here. It says
"chopped meat," not "chopped dog."

DALE: Dog is meat.

You said it, friend.

I was just trying to get that awful taste
off my fingers.

HANK: Doggie?

MINH: Hello? Dog pound?

Hello? I'm looking for dog.

Sweet, sweet, dog.

Have big barbecue today and dog run out.

About 20, 25 pound.

Good Lord, it's true!

I call you back.
Hank Hill, what a nice surprise.

Kahn, come quick! Your best friend is here!

Oh, no, that's okay.

What you doing here?

I can't hear you over my Weed Whacker!

- Where you going, Hank Hill? Stop!
- I can't hear you.

My chrysanthemums! What you doing?

KAHN: You ruin my yard!
You crazy redneck!

We're never gonna find Doggie.

I know. Want to ride bikes?

Hey, Ladybird's a Bloodhound.
Maybe she could find Doggie.

Yeah!

Come on, Ladybird!

Lead us to Doggie!

My God, Dale! You were right!
Their dog is gone, all gone.

I caught Minh on the phone
with some kind of doggie butcher.

She was placing an order.

This is very dangerous.

They know that you know.
And now, they got to come after you.

HANK: They do?
DALE: Yep.

They'll get you with a blow dart.
That's their way.

You'll just think it's a mosquito bite,
until you die.

Then you'll know the truth.

Why would they shoot people?
Human meat's tough, flavorless.

They should be out hunting for more dog!

Good God! He's got Ladybird!

It's still wet. Maybe there's time.

Come on, guys! We got to save Ladybird!

I've been hit!
Quick, somebody suck out the poison!

Oh, no! Ladybird!

That psycho redneck is back.

Why he so mad? I do something wrong?

You're the one who insulted his propane.

You're the one who made fun
of Peggy Hill's monster feet!

HANK: Open up, Kahn! Open up, now!
KAHN: Get my bat.

HANK: I know you're in there!

Go away! I do nothing wrong!

Kahn, I understand that life is valued
differently in your part of the world...

largely as a result
of overcrowding and famine.

But you're in my country now.

You're a crazy man! I call the police.

If anyone's gonna be calling the police,
it's gonna be me!

KAHN: Please! What you want from me?

HANK: I want my Ladybird!
You understand me?

Give me my dog back, or else!

Tough guy, I so scared.
You want a piece of this?

- Dad, no!
- It's all our fault!

BOBBY: We lost the dogs.

They wanted to play with each other,
so we untied them.

They ran away. Now we can't find them.

You what? You mean, you...

The dogs? They're still alive?

- What you think happen?
- Well, I... Nothing.

- We're sorry, Dad. We looked everywhere.
- We really did.

Bobby, you really screwed up this time.

Kahn Jr., you fall in with a bad crowd.

You made me fight with my neighbor.

You made the neighbor man crazy.

BOTH: Go to your room!

What? You say, "Go to your room"?

I say, "Go to your room." You spank?

- No, sir. Don't believe in it.
- No, me neither. I think it barbaric.

HANK: How about bed without dessert?
KAHN: Never fail.

Wouldn't figure a child
could be motivated...

by a fortune cookie and an orange slice.

The cookie may be small,
but it contain great wisdom.

And orange is sweet and juicy.

You know, Kahn, we may deny our kids
completely different desserts...

but they both go to bed hungry,
and that's what really matters.

Guess we're not so different after all.

Boy, howdy.

- Ladybird!
- Doggie!

Doggie Kahn!

Welcome to the neighborhood, Kahn...

Soup-ha-nousinp-hone.

Just call me Kahn. I don't got all damn day.

I'm running out of time!
Give me the antidote, man.

This is my granny's Five-Alarm Jambalaya.

You want less hot, more spicy.
Add nutmeg.

"Less hot, more spicy,
add nutmeg." Of course, okay.

Aunt Laverne's Chicken Fried Chicken.

Too much Mrs. Dash, add nutmeg.

"Too much Mrs. Dash."

And this here is my very own rabbit stew.

Rabbit! You rednecks will eat anything!