Kim Possible (2002–2007): Season 1, Episode 7 - Number One - full transcript

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M-A-D, D-O-G

That's how we spell... victory!

♪ Go, Mad Dogs ♪

♪ Go, go, Mad Dogs ♪

♪ Go, Mad Dogs ♪

♪ Go, go, Mad Dogs ♪

We're number one!

Okay, great practice, team.

Kim, can we chat?

Sure, Bonnie.

I have time for anyone
on the squad.



What's your ish?

Well, it's really your ish.

You seem tired.

I did fly in from Abu
Dhabi this morning.

( chuckles ):
Rescued an ambassador.

Which is... nice,
but you got to ask yourself...

Did you give the squad 110%
today?

120%, Bonnie.

I happen to think

the squad deserves a captain
who gives, like, 130.

Someone like...

Me.

Look, if you want to make
a play for captain,
take it to the squad.

If they want Bonnie
instead of Kim



super for Bonnie.

Go ahead,
be Little Miss Smug Mug...

But I will be squad captain.

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'm your basic average girl ♪

♪ And I'm here
to save the world ♪

♪ You can't stop me
'cause I'm... ♪

♪ Kim Possible ♪

♪ There is nothing I can't do ♪

♪ When danger calls,
just know that I am on my way ♪

♪ Know that I am on my way ♪

♪ It doesn't matter where
or when there's trouble ♪

♪ If you just call my name ♪

♪ Kim Possible ♪

♪ Call me, beep me
if you want to reach me ♪

♪ When you want to page me,
it's okay ♪

♪ Whenever you need me, baby ♪

♪ Call me, beep me
if you want to reach me ♪

♪ Call me, beep me
if you want to reach me ♪

♪ Doesn't matter where,
doesn't matter when ♪

♪ Doesn't matter when ♪

♪ I will be there for you
till the very end ♪

♪ Danger or trouble,
I'm there on the double ♪

♪ You know that you always
can call Kim Possible. ♪

KIM:
I can't believe this!

Believe it, K.P...
they're cuttin' back
on the beans.

( groans )

( yawns )

Rufus, I want an analysis

of this burrito, stat.

Ooh, yum!

Nothing invasive,
just take a look around.

I want a cheese/bean ratio.

Mm-hmm!

Ron, have you been listening
to a word I've said?

"Bonnie has the nerve
to challenge me

"after all I've done
for the squad?

"After all I've done for her?

I can't believe this!"

Close quote.

Now, were you listening

to my burrito problem?

( burping )
Hey!

Mmm, burrito. Mmm.

( hiccups )

Bonnie's just wasting her time.

She doesn't stand a chance.

Be careful, Kim;
she's tricky.

Expect it to get dirty.

( screams )

Kim?

( hissing and whirring )

Hey!

( grunting )

Let me out. Let me out!

Okay, what's the sitch?

Kim Possible, welcome.

Welcome to where?

To the Global Justice Network.

( computers beeping )

G. J.? No way!

Affirmative way.

I'm Dr. Director,
the head of G.J.

( tube hissing )

This is Will Do,
our number one agent.

Follow me.

This is Professor Sylvan Green.

In the 1960s

he developed a top-secret
missile defense project.

The siren-aided guided missile
tracking system.

Where did you get
that information?

Off the Web.

Oh. Uh... ( clears throat )

This is Professor Green
currently.

Retired.
Place of residence, Florida.

But now he's disappeared.

Yes. Was that
on the Internet, too?

No, that was a guess.

Kim...

what would you say

to helping Agent Do
find Professor Green?

Does Agent Do talk?

14 languages.
32 regional dialects.

That's cool.
I'm taking French.

Uh, you know, this is
a ferociously bad time for me.

There's this girl at school...
a major "all that" type...
and really, I...

Doctor Director?

Permission to speak freely?

Granted.

This is an insult.

I am a highly-trained
professional.

She's... she's... an amateur!

Okay... I'm in.

Kim Possible, Agent Do...

good luck.

Man, I thought for sure

Bonnie had taken you out
of the picture.

Oh, please.

You know, she didn't even
show up for practice.

Miss Possible,
are you ready to assist me

in my investigation?

Assist you? No.

Work with you as an equal, yeah.

Yo-ha, bro-ha.

( buzzing )

What did you do to him?

Stopwatch. Temporary paralysis.

Standard procedure for anyone

who comes within one meter
of my person.

Oh, poor Rufus.

DO:
Note.

Subject appears to keep
hairless rodent in pant pocket.

His name is Rufus

and he's a naked mole rat,
Mr. I-Know-Everything.

Ah. Heterocephalus
glaber.

Latin. Oy.

Yo-ha, bro-ha.

Hi-yah!

( popping neck )

Right back at you, dude.

Come on, you two.

Hi, K.

Missed you at practice, B.

I had to launch
our new fund-raiser.

What? Fund-raiser?

I know your "world saving"
keeps you busy and all.

You think maybe
you could sell a box?

Oh, chocolates.

I could sell a box, easy.

Super.
( horn honks )

Hoping to sell a few myself.

Later.

You know, she's only
kidding herself.

There is no way she's
going to sell all that.

Let's just get on
with the mission.

Wait, K.P.

Am I the only one

taking the Bonnie problem
seriously?

The Bonnie problem
is really no big.

Kim, we cannot ignore
the chocolate challenge.

"We?"

I'm here for you.
Use me!

As what?

I'm a natural-born seller.

I have the gift of gab.

Here, allow me to demonstrate.

Good day, sir.

You look like a gentleman

who enjoys the finer
things in life.

And what could be better

than 1.9 ounces of rich,
creamy chocolate?

I got plain.

Crispy? Peanut?

Macadamia.

It's for a good cause...
Cheerleaders.

You like cheerleaders,
don't you?

That's a bad example.

No one can sell to that stiff.

( whooping )

Except him, but he's naked.

MOTHER:
Hi, Kimmie.

Who's your new friend?

Agent Will Do, ma'am.

It's an honor to meet you,
Dr. Possible.

You know me?
Your recent paper

on the application of lasers

in sub-cranial exploration
was fascinating...

and the photograph
did not do you justice.

Invite him over more often.

Mom, I've got to find
a missing scientist.

Good luck, Kimmie.

Have fun, kids.

Wade, did you get the data?

Got it...
A holographic simulation

of the missing professor's home.

Cool.

Hey, Rufus, Wade's gone 3-D.

Hmm...

( gasps )

I've already examined
the crime scene.

I haven't.

Wade, enlarge
the point of entry.

Whoa!

Explosive method of entry...
What's that?

Can't tell.

I'll isolate and enlarge.

Good.

Now, let's try
and fill in the blanks.

Running extrapolation routine.

( electronic whirring )

A golf ball?

Professor Green was retired.

Many retired people golf.

Wade, does Professor Green
show up

in any on-line
discussion groups?

Oh, yeah... gardening, botany,
experimental fertilizers...

His lawn won the Blue Grass
Ribbon three years in a row.

Good-bye, Wade.
This is pointless.

The man was obviously captured

for his weapons-system
expertise.

He was a weapons expert
in the '60s.

You could look up what he knows
in the library.

Working with an amateur
is clearly a waste
of my time.

I haven't even told you
about the other trace element

I detected at the scene.

What is it?

Hyper-actic acid...

An experimental fertilizer...

Black market only.

Sounds like we need to visit
the world headquarters

for black market
gardening supplies.

Which would be... where?

If it's illegal

they sell it here.

Forget sellers;
we need buyers.

You got to move this merchandise

if you're going
to keep up with Bonnie.

Bonnie is so not a threat.

Come on.

That's Big Daddy Brotherson.

Every deal that goes down

has his fingerprints
all over it.

Those are some big fingers.

Excuse me, amateurs.

Are you Big Daddy?

That depends.

I've got no time for games.

Well, that's too bad.

I was going to suggest
you and my friend play thud.

"Thud"?

( claps twice )

Ow!

( chuckling )

I love that game.

And I love it when
I find out what I
need to know...

Like who's been
in the market for
hyper-actic acid.

Miss, we have one rule
in this establishment:

client...

confidentiality.

( sniffs )

Is that... milk chocolate?

( sniffs )

With chewy nougat.

( crickets chirping )

Duff Killigan.

Who's that?

My G.J. mobile database
will tell us all about Killigan.

Standard issue
for all top agents.

Communicator... extra-special,
just for me.

( beeping )

"Duff Killigan,
born Scotland."

"Former
professional golfer."

Uh, guys?

"Banned from every golf course
in the world."

Even mini-golf.

"For excessive displays
of temper."

Fore!

Guys!

Weapon of choice?

Exploding golf balls.

( whimpering )

( beeping )

( beeping )

( explosion thunders )

Rufus, you okay?

Okay!

Hey, you're paying for that.

It all fits.

The exploded golf ball
at the crime scene

the attack on us.

Killigan's our man.

Gee, you think?

Wade, we're after a rogue golfer
named Duff Killigan.

We need a location on his lair.

Did you say "rogue golfer"?

I know... weird.

Okay, I'm going to go
back to Middleton.

See if Bonnie sold
any of her chocolate.

You sold them all?

To quote our previous
squad captain, "No big."

I'm not previous yet.

Thanks to Bonnie,
we got new uniforms.

Aren't they badical?

BONNIE:
Better suit up, Kim.

We're working on our new cheer.

Don't tell me what to do.

Wait... what new cheer?

Mine.

Bonnie does not work this hard.

Something is up.

Hey, Will, watch this.

It's pretty cool, huh?

If by cool, you mean

utterly repulsive, then yes,
quite cool, indeed.

( chortling )

Nice one.

So, can I ask you a question?

If you must.

Do you do normal stuff

like go to school?

I am tutored by some
of the world's greatest minds.

Tutored, huh?
No shame in that.

Even I needed a little extra
help in math freshman year.

It is not because I'm remedial.

Dude, it's cool.

You obviously don't understand.

( beeping )

That'll be Wade.

Better get Kim.
I'm not remedial!

( frustrated grunt )

In case you're wondering, Kim

that's what giving
150% looks like.

Careful there, Bonnie.

I hear when you hit 160,
you spontaneously combust.

K.P., we got
a location on
Duff Killigan.

Don't worry, Kim,
I'll handle everything here.

( frustrated growl )

Let's go.

Bonnie is not this good.

How could she have
come up with that cheer?

Somebody's tweaked.

Am not.
Wade, we need a ride.

What tweaked you?

I am not tweaked. Ride.

( rumbling )

( whooshing )

Wade, how did
you get... oh.

The G.J. Hoverjet.

Standard issue
for all top agents.

( remote chirps )

Ladies first.

Thanks.

( engines whining )

( thundering boom )

RON:
There it is...

Killigan's Island.

What?

( engines whining )

Killigan must have
wanted Green to build

some kind of missile system.

I don't think so.

Green's green thumb is
the key to this.

Yeah, okay, now, see that door?

That just screams
"dungeon."

Good call.
Good call.

Killigan captures
Professor Green

then he buys a ton
of hyper-actic acid

which, by the way,
Professor Green

had been experimenting
with at his home.

Award-winning lawn.

You mean dude's invented

some sort of super grass?

( barking )

There's something
you don't see every day.

Ron, Will... quick.

I found Professor Green.

Professor Green,
are you all right?

( muffled yelling )

Hang on.

( teeth clattering )

( coughing )

Thank you.

Killigan trapped me

in my own super-fast
growing grass.

Super grass?

Huh, really?

Professor Green,
I'm Agent Will Do.

We need to debrief on
any weapons secrets

Killigan may have acquired.

Based on my work?

Oh, he could find out
anything he wanted

about my weapons work
in a public library.

Oh.

Bonus question.

What does Killigan
want to do with
the super grass?

KILLIGAN:
Ooh, ooh!
I know! I know!

Duff Killigan is planning

on covering the world in grass
to create one giant golf course.

My own personal
golf course, lassie.

That's insane.

Ooh, just see if you
get a tee time.

Ah-ah-ah.

Ladies first.

I knew you were good, lassie.

Him, I'm not so sure about.

Mr. Killigan, put down
the golf clubs.

You'll have to pry them

out of my cold,
dead hands, you will.

Fore!

Ooh, what a beautiful slice.

You ruined my coat of arms!

I'll put back what
belongs to you

when you put back what belongs
to Professor Green.

I cannot do it.

I got plans for that formula.

I'd love to play
a round of sudden death

but I can't let the grass
grow beneath my feet.

Yet.

Suddenly, the whole world
is full of holes

that people just whoosh away in.

Come on, he's getting away.

There he is.

We've got to get
to the hoverjet.

Will...

wait.

What? He's
getting away.

You've got to be more careful.

Killigan probably
has the place
booby-trapped.

Try sand-trapped.

Okay, whenever
you two are ready.

What are you talking about?

You both have a plan.

So the sooner
you guys fight over

who has the best plan

the sooner we can
get out of here.

Your hoverjet... it must have

a remote command module
or something.

Right. The RCM.

Kim shoots... she scores.

So where is this RCM?

I... uh, left it
in the hoverjet.

KIM:
Rufus won't sink

in the quicksand.

Hoo-ah!

( grunts )

( chittering )

I am so in the zone.

Impressive...

for an amateur.

Hmm?

Huh?

This actually feels
kind of nice.

Rufus!

Nice work, rodent.

( beeping )

( rumbling whoosh )

( chirps )

Ladies first.

Why must she

constantly irk me?

It's hard not to.

You're very irk-able.

Professor, did Killigan...?

You, keep your eyes on the road.

So, Prof, any ideas
about Killigan's target?

Oh, yes.

He intends to strike
at the first country

where he was banned
from a golf course...

Japan.

( people screaming )

( screaming )

( cackles )

( rumbling )

( evil laughter )

It's pure dead brilliant.

( cackling )

( engines whining )

Killigan, stop!

Nay, not until

the Pacific Rim is
my driving range.

Stupid, stupid, stupid Will.

Play it off, dude.

Kim can handle the grass man.

No. Prepare
to eject.

( gasps )

RON:
Okay, well, where do I sit?

Ow!

( gasping )

No one can dodge my short game.

What, are you daft, man?

Maybe you got to set
it for local time.

( golf ball whistling )

Ha! You missed!

It's a wedge, lassie.

It's got a backspin.

Kim!

Hmm.

Oh, you're in trouble
now, lassie.

No, I'm not, you are.

And how would that be?

You've got

dandelions.

A wee weed?

Sure, but see, every one
of these little cottony things

they're seeds.

Every one of them.

Aye? So?

So make a wish.

Ooh! Ooh!

( rumbling )

Oh, no.

( spitting )

You're through now, lassie.

( spitting )

Get this weed out of my mouthy.

Should we have him
arrested or mowed?

I'll have G.J. send in
a defoliation team.

Or you could just give
the neighbor kid five bucks.

Humor... amusing.

( laughing )

Okay, bye.
Nice to meet you.

Got to get home

to have another thorn removed
from my side.

( yelling )

Thanks.

I've got to get one
of those stopwatches.

Miss Possible...

uh, Kimberly...

I owe you an apology.

I'm glad you're
a big enough person

to admit it.

You were of much
assistance to me
on this mission.

Assistance?!

Did you not pay attention

to anything that happened?

Farewell, Kim Possible.

I do not believe that guy.

He won't even consider

that maybe somebody else
deserves some credit.

Maybe somebody else
is as good as him.

Maybe better.

Yes!

We should get back to Middleton.

You know, how hard
is it to admit

that somebody else
is doing a great job?

Seriously, Kim, we've
got to get back.

You've got that
whole Bonnie thing.

Oh, and Bonnie...

When will she just give it up?

The fund-raiser,
the uniforms,
the new cheer.

K.P.?

You're right, Ron.

We got to go.

Uh, I really think
we should wait

for Kim before we decide
who's going to be captain.

Ugh! She's going to be,
like, forever.

I want this captain thing
decided now.

KIM:
Relax, Bonnie.

I'm back.

Let's do it.

Fine by me.

I vote for Bonnie
as the new captain.

You do?

Well, the fund-raising,
the awesome uniforms

and that new cheer...

I've got to admit, you rock.

Really?

So, all in favor of Bonnie?

All right, Bonnie!
Way to go!

You worked really hard for this.

Yes.

Glad that's over.

Bonnie, you're the captain now.

You do realize
that the hard work
is just beginning.

You're kidding, right?

You know, suddenly,
I couldn't be happier for you.

Captain Bonnie.

I've got to keep working hard?

This is so unfair.

You counting on the fact

that she'll only last a month?

I give her two weeks, tops.