Kidding (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Nightingale Pledge - full transcript

[The Oops]
Previously on Kidding...

I'm sorry, what did you say?

I said you've had
a minor stroke.

Astronotter is getting
on that rocket!

[Scott]
You want Astronotter?

Give me one more day
a week with my daughter.

[Cornell] An aide brings
them to the bus stop

and they wait until they
forget why they wanted

to leave in the first place.

[man over P. A.]
Please remain calm.

Thank you for visiting
"Pickles on Ice."



[Brian]
It's all my fault.

It's all my fault.

I broke her throat, Dad.

‐ I‐‐I broke Tara's throat.
‐ [man] Of course not.

Stupid dick‐nose piece of shit.

♪ light, quirky music ♪

♪♪♪

[electronic door chime]

[both grumbling unintelligibly]

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

[both grumbling unintelligibly]

‐ What?
‐ [gun cocks]

What the fuck?
You fuckin‐‐

[gun cocks]



What the fuck?
Oh, my God!

[yelps]

♪♪♪

♪ lively percussive music ♪

♪♪♪

[dog barking]

[groans]

♪ tense music ♪

♪♪♪

[tires screeching]

[panting]

♪♪♪

[engine revving]

[tires screeching]

[groaning]

[panting]

[indistinct radio chatter]

[Jeff] I almost
got a plate number.

[panting]
Are you guys okay?

[laughs]
We're great, Jeff.

We're great.
We're great.

We're so motherfucking
great right now.

We're the best!
We're so good!

Fuck you!

‐ I ran as fast as I could.
‐ [Jill] Oh, yeah?

Are you gonna catch the guy?

Are you gonna tell him
to take a calm me down breath?

You gonna teach him to read?

I think it'd be safer
for you guys

to stay at
Dee Dee's with me.

[laughs]
You're the one they wanna hurt.

You're the one who
is talking to their children

in the middle of the night.

Nobody is safe around you.

Is that a ring?

Go away.

Congrats, pal.

Thanks, bud.

‐ I'm just gonna‐‐
‐ [Jill] Jeff!

‐ I swear to Christ.
‐ [Jeff] Yeah.

♪ mournful music ♪

♪♪♪

[Deirdre]
Where's the sitter?

I sent her home.
It was getting late.

You used the stove.

Is there another way
to make risotto?

You should be in bed.

You know I can't sleep
without Dolores.

You named your axe Dolores?

After Dolores Claiborne.
It's my favorite axe movie.

It's a hatchet.

[sighs] Why can't you
just let me live?

Here.

Go to sleep.
Blade side out.

I know how to sleep
with an axe, Mom.

Wow.

Grandpa teach you
how to make this?

No, Dolores did.
She's from Tuscany.

Thanks for dinner.

I don't know what
I'd do without you.

If you really want
Astronotter back,

I can give you some advice.

Sure.

Just ask yourself...

what would Grandpa do?

♪ slow music ♪

♪♪♪

Dad?

You keep sleeping.

I won't let anything
happen to you.

[Jeff] How long have
you been sitting there?

Go back to bed, Jeffrey.

When the gun goes off,
then you can wake up.

I'm sorry I put you all
in this situation.

The world is full of lunatics

who think the world
is full of lunatics.

None of this would've happened
if I hadn't fired you.

You can't really
fire your father.

If he can't protect you
from yourself,

he'll protect you
from everyone else.

[gun clicking]

I'm still sorry I did it.

Don't you worry about me.

I'm having a social summer.

In fact, your mother and I
are taking a long vacation.

What's that mean?

She and I went through
a rough patch,

but we've recently reconnected.

Bags are packed.
We're leaving tomorrow morning.

Where?
I'm not sure yet.

The unknown, I guess.

I don't think Mom
can travel right now.

[bell dings]

Hold that thought.

Made you an egg tart

for that squishy, squishy
tum‐tum of yours.

Oh, damn thing's
on the fritz again.

That quiche should've set
a half hour ago.

♪ light, ambient music ♪

Dad, why don't
you come sit down?

Sit?

I'm gonna have to lay
on the goddamn floor

and start that pilot light.

Dad, it's not a real oven.

You don't have to
tell me that.

I wanted a Thermador,

but your mother,
she just microwaves everything.

Did you glue
these drawers shut?

They're not real drawers, Dad.
They don't open.

We're on the set.

What?

What the hell is this?

Where are we?

Where'd the wall go?

I had photographs on that wall!

Where's the wall, Jeff?

Where's the fucking wall?

♪♪♪

There used to be a wall there.

And a door and a window!

[breathing heavily]

Come back, Dad.

‐ I'm fine.
‐ Come back.

I'm gonna get you an ambulance.

No, don't do that.
I'm fine. I'm okay.

I think it's just a toothache.

♪♪♪

‐ Hi.
‐ [shrieks]

Did you make
an Oops last night?

‐ [wailing]
‐ She did.

That's why she takes Plan B,

the number one
gynecologist recommended

morning after pill.

Oops as Directed.

I mean, is "cinema"
too strong of a word?

Because to me, this is cinema.

[doorbell rings]

Ah, she's early.

[inhales]
Come on.

[Scott]
Dee Dee, welcome.

Oh, this is Amber,
my female girlfriend.

We need to talk
about Astronotter.

Oh, it‐‐
it's not a good time.

You said to come over.

I know.
I wanted you to see the house.

It's big, isn't it?
For a house.

We need to talk
about Astronotter.

We already had that discussion

and I said it wasn't
going to happen.

Blake Griffin was there.
The‐‐the sports person.

‐ How is that relevant?
‐ It's not.

Blake Griffin
is a friend of mine.

Hm.

I have an offer for you.

You can't afford me.

Still...you'll wanna hear it.

♪ mournful music ♪

Which brings us
to the revised terms

for the division
of communal assets.

My client will
forfeit Astronotter,

an intellectual property
so valued at $21.4 million...

♪♪♪

...Snagglehorse,
intellectual property value

of $18.2 million.

Ennui Le Triste,
with an intellectual property

value of $26.1 million.

Uke‐Larry, $29 million.

Thump‐Thump, $9.4 million,

and The Oops, $12.4 million.

And per our terms,
my client, Mr. Perera,

forfeits his rights
to the aforementioned

intellectual properties
and in return,

he will be granted sole custody

of one, Maddy Perera.

Yes, that's right.

♪♪♪

[machines beeping]

What do you want me to do?

[breathing raggedly]

Say something.

[breathing heavily]

Say something, please.

[crying]
Say something.

Say something. Say something.

[sobbing]
Say something.

[sobbing]

What happened
to the Lamborghini?

You're the Lamborghini.

Can we also have a Lamborghini?

I'm gonna see you all the time.

On the weekends...
most weekends.

Previously agreed to weekends.

As well as two weeks during

Celebrity Cruise Lines
Pride at Sea.

[engine turns over, car starts]

Can you bring Dolores when
you come to Daddy's house?

Well, that's up to your father.

Go ahead, Deirdre.
Give her the axe.

Love you, Lunch Bug!

Was it the risotto?

[phone vibrating]

[sighs]
Yeah?

What happened?

[sighs]

‐ I spoke to the neurologist.
‐ Yeah?

He had a stroke.

He isn't...

He's not, uh...speaking.

They don't know if he's
gonna be able to come back.

But...

but I need to talk to him.

I need...I did it.

I made‐‐I made it happen.

I did it.
I fixed it.

I gotta go get Will.

[indistinct PA announcement]

[toilet flushing]

[gargling]

You want the end of this?

I spoke to the guy
who got Phil's lungs.

I'm never smoking
anything again.

So are you gonna meet the lungs
in person, like the eyes?

Or...are lungs
better over the phone?

We're staying in a hotel
for a week.

My mom says I can only go
to the school and hotel,

so I definitely can't go see
the guy who has Phil's lungs

and I definitely can't take
my girlfriend out anywhere.

You should make out
with her at the aquarium.

That's where I treat
my seasonal depression.

It's the dolphins, man.

Their sadness eats my sadness.

[school bell rings]

For your kiss breath.

[door opens]

[indistinct chatter]

[door shuts]

[spits]

[footsteps echoing]

♪ ominous music ♪

♪♪♪

Who are you?

I'm Jeff Pickles.

There was an old Jeff Pickles,

but now it's time
for a new one.

That's me.

The old Jeff lost his way when
your mom killed your brother.

Then she divorced him,
started seeing another man

and that broke him completely.

Your mom, she's a nurse.

She took
the Nightingale Pledge.

Do you know
the Nightingale Pledge?

It goes like this...

I will abstain from
what is deleterious.

Do you know what
deleterious means?

It means...harmful.

And unfortunately,
your mother is very harmful.

She was driving the car.

She should've told Phil
to put his seat belt on.

She harmed him.

I don't want her
to harm you too.

My mom didn't kill my brother.

I'm sorry, but she did.

No.

He's still alive.

What?

I looked into his eyes.
They were his eyes.

I stared into them
and they stared back.

His lungs wrote me an email
and I emailed them back.

I talked
to his heart on the phone

after it ran 20 miles.

His heart is training
to run a marathon.

Phil is training
to run a marathon.

♪ light music ♪

♪♪♪

Put this in the trunk.

♪ ominous music ♪

I'm not gonna hurt you,
pickle pal.

♪♪♪

♪ When it's time to make
a choice, make a choice ♪

♪ You only need to listen
to the voice that's true ♪

Come on, Will.
We gotta go.

I'm your dad now.

[grunting]

[shouts]

[both grunting]

[Will]
Dad?

[breathing heavily]

[panting]

Mr. Pickles.

[whispering] He just beat
the shit out of that guy.

[indistinct radio chatter]

[Officer Brannagan]
Will?

Can you tell me
what he said to you?

It's okay.

He said that
he's the new Jeff Pickles.

Well, we all know that
there's only one Jeff Pickles

and he doesn't wear a mask.

What else did he say?

Um, that my mom...

that she ruined everything

because she killed my brother.

That if she'd told Phil
to put on his seat belt,

that none of this
would've happened.

You okay?

Just answer
the officer's questions.

Did you say anything
back to him?

I told him that in a lot
of ways, Phil's still alive.

What did you mean by that?

You know, in our memories.

Do I have to go back to school?

No, we can go home.

A‐actually, can I go with Dad?

♪ tense music ♪

♪♪♪

You are my family

and I'm here to protect you.

♪♪♪

[sighs]

I did it.

They're back.

I got 'em all back.
[laughs softly]

Astronotter,
she's going to space.

And we're gonna broadcast it.

And...

and...
[sniffles]

...and I got it all back.

Because...

you taught me
what to sacrifice.

[sniffles, sighs]

I'm...proud...

Of...you.

[inhales]

Are you afraid people are
going to not like you anymore

after seeing what you did
to that guy?

Even Jesus had enemies.

Jesus never beat
the shit out of anyone.

He didn't have a son.

I'm sorry about your dad.

Promise you'll be there
for me when I'm old?

I know you will, I just...

need to hear you say it today.

I promise.

Thanks.

We should go see Grandpa.

He stopped...talking, so...

maybe you could do
one of your magic tricks.

Make him say something.

Hey, Dad, I'm sorry
I didn't tell you sooner,

but I really like
your new haircut.

♪ soft music ♪

♪♪♪

[Deirdre] The stroke
triggered something

called vascular dementia.

His doctors want us to decide
on his long‐term care.

They talk about him like
he's a bag of broccoli.

[both chuckling]

But he can‐‐
he can walk, he can eat.

What are our options?

What happened to your hand?

What are our options?

[mechanical voice]
There is so much the Koreans

are trying to prove this year.

Just look at
the grace and beauty

and flow to those jumps.

And it's not just
the technical difficulty,

it is the artistry.

In other news, Mr. Pickles
almost Mr. Killed A Guy today

in the parking lot
of a Columbus high school.

Sources describe
the perpetrator

as a large‐headed version
of the popular TV host.

He's really gone, isn't he?

Yeah.

Well, there's in‐home care,

which means
we'd basically have to hire

a nurse around the clock.

And even then, he's never
gonna take the pills.

How is he?

[sighs]

Have you ever...

have you ever wanted
to turn back time?

♪ light music ♪

I was just thinking
that same thing.

[Deirdre]
Thank you.

Great. Okay.
Bye‐bye now.

That was Toyco.

Are they mad?

No, it's odd.

They're making more dolls.

They sold out online.

I guess breaking
that guy's face

actually made
children want more of you.

[scoffs]

[phone vibrating]

♪♪♪

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on.

Wasn't this guy the worst?

Yes, but he's about to send
Neil Armstrong to the moon.

Hey, pal, two parts gin,
one part lime juice.

What's the holdup?

I don't know how I feel
about leaving him here.

He's so...alone.

He's not alone.

[slow music plays
in background]

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Be mine ♪

♪ For the rest of my life ♪

♪ I can't hide
the way I feel... ♪

Hello.

What's your name?

♪ Be mine ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪

[sighs]

[groans]

Where are you going?

Just give me the drink before
you pour it down my throat.

[sighs]

I'd like to buy you
another one and...

find out everything
there is to like about you.

I'd like to buy you a taxi ride
in the other direction.

Well, aren't you seven
shovels short of a grave.

Well, aren't you
arrogant and charmless.

Why don't we just
get to the end of this

and you can pour
gasoline on my lap.

I bet you'd look good on fire.

I bet you'd look the same.

Have we met before?

I don't think so.

I'm Louise.

Hello, Louise.
I'm Seb.

Home, Seb, since you asked.
I'm going home.

♪ soft music ♪

♪♪♪

How do they know each other?

That's our mom, Will.

Oh.

What time does the bus come?

Any minute now.

♪ dramatic music ♪

♪♪♪

[soft clicking]

Do you think it was my fault?

Was what your fault?

I was driving the car.

I'm the mom.

Be honest with me right now.
Was the accident my fault?

Nobody thinks that.

Now, please don't let the words

of crazy, large‐headed people

get inside your
normal‐sized head.

I'm asking you.

Am I responsible?

Am I the parent?

You are the parent.

You're not responsible.

Wanna go find some sunshine?

[breathes shakily]
In a minute.

Okay.

‐ Thank you.
‐ Yep.

I know that was hard today,
with Grandpa.

I think he'll be okay.

♪ ominous music ♪

♪♪♪

You okay?

Are you...sad I don't
look like Phil anymore?

No.

I always saw you.

I, uh...

I want to show you something

that I found in Mom's closet.

What is this?

♪ soft music ♪

♪♪♪