Kidding (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - The Acceptance Speech - full transcript

Previously on Kidding...

Neither of you were here

for the Pickle Wiggle
fiasco of 1993.

Picture that thing,
but vibrating

at the bottom of a cereal box.

I wanna see a place
that makes Mom so happy,

she'd choose that over us.

The show is a trap.

You are a terrible father!

Would you please say something,

anything, please?



Murderer!

You killed the magic!

Murderer! Murderer!

Breakfast is so boring!

- Think again, kids.
- Fortissimo!

Maestro Pimento Fermata!

What are you doing here?

Who is ready for some
breakfast-a música?

Wow! Awesome!

Allora... now you
can be like the maestro

and start your own choir

by collecting
all four Pickle Wigglers.

And even more good news!

Best-O's is molto healthy
for your body.



Mom, there's no added sugar!

- Oh?
- Mom, there's no

- artificial colors!
- Oh?

Mom, there's no
artificial flavors!

Oh? Best-O's Cereal.

The cereal that makes you go...

oh!

'Scuse me.

Clean up, aisle seven.

What the fuck do they
put in this shit?

Mom, there's no toy in the box!

Ohh... oh!

Ohh...

Dad, don't hang up.

I'm eating oatmeal.
Stop calling.

I haven't seen him
since the Philippines.

I don't care. He's an adult.

He'll come home.

- Ohh... ah...
- Mom?

Mom, I'm hungry.

Oh, Jesus...

Where'd it go?

Where did it go?
Where did it go?

Ooh...

Why are you walking like that?

Because this is how
stressed-out people walk

when their brothers go AWOL!

Oh.

What do I tell the Smithsonian

if he doesn't show up?

He'll be there.

He's not going to miss

his own lifetime
achievement award.

This is stale.

I've already lost
twenty-four Mr. Pickleses.

I can't lose 25.

Jeff lost his entire
pickle family.

He's due some time on his own.

Maybe he finally...

Maddy.

That is insanely inappropriate.

- Go play with your axe.
- It's sleeping.

You don't think
this is my fault, do you?

Right, because
everything's my fault,

always my fault... just say it.

You regret putting me
in charge, don't you?

Just say it!

Say it!

Do you wish
you only had one child?

Tell me, honestly, right now.

I wanna hear it.
It's open season.

You are... unbelievable.

Maddy, get in the car.

I wanna stay with Grandpa.

Fine!

Forget it.

Were you trying to talk just now

but your brain wouldn't let you?

We need to go see
a doctor right now.

Hey!

Where's Jeff?

What happens
if he doesn't show up?

Have you thought about that?

Are you kidding?
You know what Kennedy'll do?

He'll take this glad-ass
economy we're swimming in

and burn it to shit

with all those damn freebie
programs he's yawing about.

At least he's got what it takes

to stand up to Khrushchev
and the Reds.

Are you telling jokes?

Nixon'll take a bite
into Khrushchev's thigh

and hold onto it forever
like a Doberman Pincher!

It's a Pinscher, not a Pincher.

- It's Pincher.
- Pinscher.

Larry, settle an argument.

Gladys.

What'd I tell you
about opening the fridge?

Stay in front of the bar.

Kennedy's a bootlegger...
but I like a bootlegger.

Better than that war hawk
Dick Nixon.

Larry served.

I was a sniper in Korea.

Took out a lotta bad guys.
No big deal.

Sure, Nixon's a bullet pusher,

but he's a family man too.

You got kids, Larry?

Phil, Will, Bill, Gil,
Til, and Dill...

All boys.

Larry with the strong semen!

Oh, yeah, and they're all

- gonna vote Nixon, Larry!
- Aw, come on!

Larry, I'm still waitin'
on that Sidecar.

Sorry, Babs.

Next one's on the house.

You're a prince, Larry.

Ha. Tell ya what.

Next one's on the house
for everybody.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Hey, Larry!
- Larry! Larry!

Larry, Larry!

- Larry, Larry!
- I need a quick refill.

Larry, Larry...

They're dry as a bone out there.

Good. Ha.

Let's keep it that way.

You good, man?

Uh...

I should get going.

Do you wanna be buried,
cremated,

- or drowned?
- What?

Did you see that woman?

- What woman?
- It's the strangest thing.

She looked exactly
like my ex-wife... exactly.

I thought you hated her.

I do.

I also love her.

I get it. I really get it.

Wait here.

Sebastian.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

I had a momentary
inability to speak.

But everything feels
tip-top now.

I'm afraid your blood work

tells a complicated story
of love and loss.

- It does?
- It does what?

I'm sorry. What did you say?

I said you've had
a minor stroke.

Oh, well,
well, that's what I thought.

And you're at risk
for a major one.

- Should she be here?
- She's my nurse.

Maddy, do you wanna leave?

- No.
- All right.

Your red blood cell
count... it's high.

It's like California
and earthquakes.

The Big One could come tomorrow.

Could be a week, a month.

- A year?
- I didn't say a year.

Your heart sounds scared.

Hey, let's just keep this
our little secret, okay?

Pinky promise.

Pinky promise.

Is there a cure for dementia,

Alzheimer's? No.

But can we treat it? Yes.

With quality memory care.

Inside of these walls,
it is 1960 all day,

every day.

Mickey Mantle
bats for the Yankees

and Eisenhower sits in the Oval.

Nostalgia therapy
comforts the fragile mind

from... from outbursts...

Could you excuse me
for one second?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

What's up, man?

Can I stay a little longer?

You're Jeff Pickles.

You can stay
as long as you want.

That's not true, Cornell.

No, no, I really don't mind.

You should know by now

that visiting hours
don't apply to you.

No, I mean you said
I'm Jeff Pickles, but...

he isn't born
for another eight years.

Have I shown you the bus stop?

It's new since your last visit.

Solved a big problem for us...

What to do when a patient
wants to leave.

So now when they get
that itch to go,

an aide comes and brings them
to the bus stop,

and they wait until they forget

why they wanted to leave
in the first place.

And they just go
right back inside.

But don't you feel like
you're lying

to the elderly and demented?

A lie is for you.

This is for them.

We call it compassionate
deception.

But the bus will never come

and she'll never get to leave.

And Larry'll never get to
vote for Nixon.

But he can make a mean mocktail.

Most of the people
who want to leave

are trying to go somewhere
that doesn't exist anymore.

Do we tell them
the spouse they wanna get to

died 30 years ago

or that their childhood home
is now a Walmart?

- Reality is the disease.
- Mm-hmm.

The fantasy is the pill.

So...

it's not a lie if it heals.

Exactly.

Dad?

Could you help me get ready?

Sure, son.

Since first meeting him

as an OSU sophomore,

I knew Jeff Pickles would go on

to touch countless lives

around the world.

In that spirit, let us take
a moment of silence

to honor Filipino Mr. Pickles

who was brutally murdered
by his own government.

We've been having some trouble

selling that sad,
empty house next door,

but I think if we combine
the two lots,

yours and his, some happy person

could build a spectacular
Monterey Colonial.

Wait, what... I would sell too?

It's time. Don't you agree?

Change!

What's a Monterey Colonial?

Ugh.

Hold on.

Hello?

Can you come to
where I am right now?

I'm not going
to that awards thing.

Neither is Will. Stop asking.

Deirdre?

What?

- You called me.
- Yes.

Did you hear what I said?

I need immediate
medical attention.

- Go to a hospital.
- It's a personal situation.

Can you come here?

Your family's not,
you know, I'm not...

We're not related anymore.

I'm your son's aunt!

- Which makes us...
- Sisters!

What is wrong with you?
Currently, I mean, medically.

I really don't want
the federal government

listening in on this one.

Well, I'm just in the middle...

Can you please come down here?

After church, can we go fishing?

A day on the lake? I love lakes.

That's a great idea.

Bobby Ledbetter said he caught
a 5-pounder the other day.

- Ooh...
- But I don't believe him.

Well, it's better to
believe someone who's lying

than to doubt someone
who's telling the truth.

Thanks, Dad.

You know, you're a good dad.

So then you take

that big long one,

and then you're done.

You think you can
do that next time?

I might have to ask you
to show me again.

Well, I'll be here.

Who the fuck are you?

And two, and three...

It was the wedding of our
dreams, wasn't it, Leonard?

Your vows
brought me to my knees.

The scent of fresh lilies.

The sunlight
splashed across your face.

It was perfect, wasn't it?

I was so worried
about the salmon,

but it was everybody's favorite.

Even Aunt Beth
went back for seconds.

And you know how she can be.

Who's Beth?

Do you love me?

I love you to the moon, Leonard.

I love you to the moon...

wife.

Spin!

You're so lucky
to do this every day.

Oh...

now dip me like one of
your French women.

Hi, Mom.

You're confused. I'm Louise.

Hi, Louise.

I'm your son.

No.

No.

I don't think so.

So where ya headed, Louise?

A place that makes me happy.

Niagara Falls?

How did you know?

Just a guess.

My sister lives there.

I wish I could go with you.

No, I'm going alone.

Cock fucker!

Son of a fuck!

I can't wait to get out of

- this fucking family!
- Please hurry.

Every time it sings,
it goes up further.

Oh... ooh...

You wouldn't have
had this problem with the alto.

How was Hershey Park?

Scott and I went there once,
but...

he thought the room was haunted.

Hershey Park
is an adolescent nightmare.

It's not even
ironically enjoyable.

Just because
you appreciate chocolate

doesn't mean you appreciate
a chocolate roller coaster.

But filter "I love chocolate"
through a man's brain,

and... whatever, doesn't matter.

I don't matter. Nothing matters

except for the plumbing

of my ex-husband's
sister's vagina.

- Did something happen?
- Jesus, did this thing

- take the subway?
- You're not wearing your ring.

- I really need to concentrate.
- Will said.

- Peter was proposing.
- Oh, really?

He said this on the plane ride
back from being kidnapped

- to the Philippines?
- No.

On the chopper,
leaving the fishing vessel.

I told Peter
I needed time to think.

- You told him no?
- I said I need time

because I need time.

Because you still love Jeff.

I definitely have zero
feelings for that man... zero!

Are you two okay in there?

- Yeah, we're good.
- We're just fine.

Thank you.

Here, do this for me.

Hey, that's the woman, her.

That's Grandma.

Are you sure that's Grandma?

Ah, you never forget
your first wife.

That's not really Grandma.

No, but she's a dead ringer.

Go over and say something.

- What about you?
- Don't worry about me.

- I wouldn't know what to say.
- Go, or I'll kill myself.

Excuse me.

Yes?

I'm sorry, but...
you look exactly like

my ex-wife.

That's a terrible line.

Oh, my name is Sebastiano.

Most everybody calls me Seb.

And I wonder, um...

would you have a meal with me?

I'm busy at the moment,
but you knew that already.

You should eat after
you do these things

or you'll pass out.

I have plans.

I understand.

Sebastiano.

Yes.

Give me a reason
to cancel my plans.

I'll give you one tonight.

And another tomorrow morning.

Your tux reminds me
of a dream I had last night.

Oh, God. Ha.

There's nothing more annoying

than hearing about
someone's dreams.

That's not true.

Nobody hated Martin Luther King.

Well, somebody did.

Oh!

You can't make that joke.

Fuck you!

Are you sure we've never met?

Excuse me for a moment.

Wait a minute... there's
something I wanna tell you.

You should know that I had
a small stroke today,

but I'm fine.
I'm completely fine.

Glad to hear it.

What?

Have you ever felt that

life is sometimes suddenly...

so magical?

Yes.

But when you say it,
it sounds stupid.

Mmm.

What's beating you up,
little boy?

Guess I just don't wanna be me.

What's the me you wanna be?

Someone whose wife
isn't remarrying

an anesthesiologist.

Someone whose...

son... is still talking to him.

Someone who can cope...
Ha... with his feelings.

You can feel anything at all.

Anything at all,
you can feel it.

Thanks.

That's good advice.

It's not advice.

I read that on the back
of a prophylactic.

Oh.

There's a way out,
if you wanna hear it.

See, I've got a bastard
of a husband

and two kids I can't stand.

- You love your kids.
- They're paperweights.

Adorable, funny...

paperweights.

But the good news is
you can always escape.

You can?

- Sure.
- Oh.

It's easy.

Failure doesn't have to
follow you.

I'm escaping to Niagara Falls

to where my sister lives.

You want out?

You just have to get on the bus.

And the bus... always shows up.

I'm sorry. I have... to go home.

As a monotheist,
I always believed

there was one creator.

Until I met our next speaker.

Please welcome the alchemist

who creates all those
wonderful creatures

on Puppet Time,
Deirdre Piccirillo.

Deirdre?

Is she here?

Go to the E.R.

You know whose fault this is?

Duterte.

He turned the Philippines
into a police state.

He has oppressed his people
for too long.

You can't just heave a man
off a building

for singing about divorce!

The problem is men.

That's the common thread here.

Scott... a man... steals
my furniture, my puppets,

ends my marriage?

- Sure.
- Thank you!

And Dad... it's like,
why are you trusting me?

Me? You can't trust me!

For the past 30 years,

all I'm doing is making puppets.

And now I'm in charge.
That's great planning, Dad.

That's on you, Pop.

Anyone else on your list?

Yeah! Who doesn't show up

for their own
lifetime achievement award?

Selfish people.

When I get an award

for giving away
all the money I embezzled,

I show the fuck up.

Uh-uh, no.

What?

You're a mess.
You've always been a mess.

All that is happening to you
is your fault

and no one else's.

In no uncertain terms,

you are the architect
of your own catastrophe

except maybe the Duterte thing,
but he's a dictator.

You chose who to marry.
You chose your job.

You chose to put Jeff on the
air with very few guardrails.

You chose to manufacture a doll

that listens to children
sleeping,

and you chose to stick a very
expensive vibrating pickle

into your vagina!

I'm sorry.

You twisted its head,
you made it burrow,

you made it sing... you!
Your fault, you!

You are Duterte!

I've been fucking myself
this whole time!

I can't keep chasing her, can I?

No, man. Can't.

Sooner or later,
you gotta accept reality.

Sooner is better.

Good evening.

I'm Jeff Pickles.

You know, my whole life...

I felt I had to choose
between my job and my family.

And it took me till today

to realize how easy
that choice is.

Because one of them is real

and one is a fantasy.