Kidding (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - I Wonder What Grass Tastes Like - full transcript

Previously on Kidding...

Don't do drugs!

We're gonna build
Listen-To-Me Pickles.

I should go talk to Peter.

I don't think your wife
wants that to happen,

but he wants to
talk to you though.

I learned English
from watching your show.

His name is Josip Butkevich.

He's some Croatian voice actor.

I have to write
a $600,000 check

so the IRS won't pummel me.



You're gonna put Puppet Time
back on the air.

Not Dad.
You.

♪ Jack and Jill
went up the hill ♪

♪ To fetch a pail of water ♪

♪ Jack fell down
and broke his crown ♪

♪ And Jill came
tumbling after ♪

speaking native language

We need friends...

Friends to laugh with,

friends to share with,

friends to play with,

friends to learn with.

We need friends because
friends help us grow.

Friends help us grow?



True friends do.

True friend do.

But what's
a true friend, Mr. Pickles?

♪ A friend is someone
that could tell you ♪

- When there's jelly...
- On your face.

A friend is someone
you can tell any...

Josip.

♪ When you need someone
to talk to ♪

♪ You can always depend
on a friend ♪

♪ A true friend ♪

♪ A friend is someone
you call on the phone ♪

♪ To be by your side
when you're feeling alone ♪

♪ A friend is someone
who will care for you so ♪

♪ When you feel a little broken,
they can make you feel whole ♪

♪ When the day feels lonely,
you can always depend ♪

♪ On a friend, a true... ♪

Hello from Ohio.

It's almost time
to have supper where you live,

Serbia and Croatia.

What are you having?

I'm having a song for dinner.
A supper song.

Do you think I sound like him?

♪ A friend is someone
you can call on the phone ♪

♪ To be by your side
when you're feeling alone ♪

♪ A friend is someone
who will care for your soul ♪

♪ When you feel broken,
they'll make you feel whole ♪

Let's call it even.

Hello, Jeff.

This is Josip Butkevich.

You may remember me from
my puppet-based erotica website.

I'm sorry your animated series
did not work out,

and I hope that things
are better with your father.

I know you won't
respond to this,

but if you ever need a friend,
you have one

on the border between
Serbia and Croatia.

So, Mr. Pickles,
let's talk about this new doll.

It's kind of like Alexa,
but instead of a computer,

there's a middle-aged man
listening on the other end.

Children deserve to be heard.
I chose to listen.

You know, I-sorry,
but as a mother,

and also
the first celebrity Barbie...

Oh.

But I just have to say that
it's kind of surprising to me

that parents are okay with this.

They don't seem to mind giving
their children smartphones

with access to pornography
and livestream school shootings.

Listen-To-Me Pickles was meant
to be an antidote to all that,

a way to bypass
the depravity of social media,

to give children the attention
they crave and so deserve.

You had a show on air
for 30 years,

and... now it's not.

How is that affecting you?

I miss seeing my friends,

Snagglehorse
and Ennui Le Triste.

Uke-Larry and Astronotter.

- Aw...
- But I created a world

where children could see me
and I couldn't see them.

Now I've created a way for us
to really connect

and talk to each other.

I have more friends
now than I've ever had.

Aww.

Well, Mr. Pickles, you're gonna
have 200 more friends to talk to

because everyone
in our studio audience

is getting a free
Listen-To-Me Pickles doll!

Jeff, you don't have
a lot of friends, do you?

Oh, I have millions of them
in terms of Pickle pals.

And I have my sister.

And the children I speak to

over an internet-connected doll.

So... no, I guess I don't.

You know,
an important part of recovery

is just having somebody
to talk to.

How's your pain
at the incision point?

Ah... a lot.

- Even with the oxycodone?
- I haven't been taking those.

Are you experiencing
side effects?

I believe opiates
are overprescribed

and highly addictive.

They've robbed children
of their parents

and parents of their children.

I don't wanna be a part of that.

But Jeff, you're gonna
feel a lot of pain.

Isn't there some kind
of alternative?

Something non-addictive,
organic, all-natural?

I believe I can
accommodate that.

Thank you.

I'm gonna prescribe you
medical marijuana.

Oh, God.

Hey, Peter?

You wanna
go to lunch sometime?

So how long you in Seattle?

- Till I go to New York.
- What's in New York?

Your competition.

I'd write you a check right now
if it meant we could stream

the last 30 years
of Puppet Time on our service.

It's the new stuff
I'm uncomfortable

putting Amazon's name on.

I will buy the archives.

I told your dad I would.

But I'm not putting you
back on the air.

You're worried about
Jeff having a filter.

Right now,
he doesn't have a filter,

and he's broadcasting every day

through a network
of talking dolls

because what the fuck?

And who buys the dolls?
The parents.

And what website
are they buying them on?

Ours.

- How many dolls have you sold?
- I can't tell you that.

But you know the answer.

Here are the rules.
We shoot in Columbus.

Nobody tells Jeff
there are things he can't say.

I didn't realize
we were negotiating.

We keep total creative control.

- Let me think about it.
- I'm not done.

And every child in America
needs to be able

to watch the show
for free.

When are you leaving
for New York?

Wouldn't you like to know?

So lunch, huh?
I love lunch.

You wanna go out or stay in?

I only have cereal.

Yeah, that's fine.

What's it like
having me inside you?

The same,

except for the odd moment
I catch myself

doing something
I've never done before,

like learning to walk again.

That was me joking.

Sort of.

So you didn't have to learn
how to walk again?

No, I did.

Do you remember
stealing my rocket ship?

Ennui calling me a cocksucker?

I don't think so.

Oh.

There was a second when
I thought our souls were fusing.

No, my soul was crushed when
you ran over it with your car.

Sorry.

I should've known
weed was a big deal for you

after all those anti-drug PSAs
that you did in the '90s,

not to mention how upset
you were over Will smoking up.

I...

I shouldn't have
offered you that joint.

Thanks for saying that.

Can you help me find
some weed?

Hi.
Uh...

I'm a doctor,

and a patient of mine...

who's a well-known
public figure...

is waiting outside.

Um...

It's important
for his reputation

that no one sees him...

buy marijuana,
so could we, like,

possibly clear
the establishment?

Sorry, Doctor.
State law

provides these patients
with the right to be here.

We could lose our license.

Well,

don't wanna break the law.

Who is it?

Am I gonna regret this?

If it makes a difference,
I've watched Puppet Time

plenty of times while medicated.

Me too.

All right.

I always learn
something new about myself

and about Pickle Barrel Falls.

- Like what?
- Like how none of the puppets

on the show are mothers,
which is weird.

But then you realize
the water is your mom

because it's everywhere

and it takes you anywhere
that you wanna go.

But it also can't speak,

so it's kinda like how
the hardest part of parenting

is sending your kid
down the river of life

and being both on the journey,

but unable to steer the ship.

Also,
Sy the Wide-Eyed Fly is death.

Oh.

And Hopscotch the
Sasquatch might have leprosy

'cause he's just down
to the one leg,

but, you know, what do I know?

I'm just high and a doctor.

I definitely don't
wanna smoke anything.

You don't have
to smoke anything.

How's your recovery?

Well, I've, uh, lost
most of my liver.

I had to quit smoking
cold turkey, stop drinking.

I have acute
erectile dysfunction

and I lost my job,

but other than
those five examples,

I'm really good.

And you and Jill are...
the same?

- We're a lot stronger now...
- Mm.

That I quit drinking,
stopped smoking,

spent more time at home
since I've lost my job.

Her teaching me
to walk upstairs again

was a real relationship booster.

Well, between you, me,
and Ennui Le Stoned,

I too am having
a little issue with ED.

Not uncommon
after major surgery.

Obviously,
it's different for you.

Your car has a garage
to pull into.

I'm parked on the street
at night

and in the shower.

Here.

It's a tea
so you don't have to smoke it.

And you dip it in water,
so it'll remind you of your mom.

Will you sip drugs with me?

I don't wanna be alone
my first time.

Yeah, I'll sip drugs with you.

This reminds me of the night
I lost my virginity.

Was she a pot-sipper?

No, but we did it
in her grandmother's house

and she had the same tea set.

Nothing like a post-coital
digestive biscuit

from Nana's treat jar.

I lost my virginity
to an older woman.

Really?

I guess that I assumed
Jill was your one and only.

She was my second
and most special.

Mm-hmm.
Who was your first?

I don't think I should say.
She was an actress.

Oh.
Would I know her?

She starred in a movie

about the sound of music.

Did you lose your virginity
to Julie Andrews?

Mary Poppins?

My sister calls her
Cherry Poppins.

How old were you?

I was 16 going on 17.

You're kidding.

Yes.

I was 28.
She was 59, but vivacious.

You're familiar with
the 1995 Broadway season?

I'm not.
No.

I got to go backstage during
her run of Victor/Victoria.

Let's just say between
me and her Tony nomination,

one she famously declined,
the other was me.

Which one was she dressed as?
Victor or Victoria?

A gentleman never tells.

Mm.

What are you two doing?

Drinking weed.

Cool.

Don't forget to take these.

They're so your liver doesn't
fall out of your ass.

Enjoy whatever this is.

Hey.

Do you like my haircut?

Later, Pancake.

I like your haircut.

Why do you call her
"Pancake"?

'Cause on our first date,

we had pancakes.

I'm not feeling anything
from this tea.

I don't think I'm high,
but I have an idea.

We find the tallest building
in the city.

We ride the elevator
all the way to the top.

And if the elevator
is fast enough,

it should push the blood
from our brains to our penises,

solving our erectile disorders.

No, you're high.

See you tomorrow
at the mediation.

Don't sound so excited.

Well, I'm not excited.

I'll be excited when
you close that Amazon deal

and I get half of it.

I'll be excited about
getting half the cash

you squirreled away instead
of giving it to charity.

But I'm not excited about
the mediation itself.

That sounds boring.

Aren't you gonna ask
why I'm in a tuxedo?

I didn't notice.

Tonight's honoree

is one of the most selfless
individuals I have met

in my 42 years helping children.

Her generous donation
of nearly $1 million...

Will go directly
to a new program

focused on Columbus'
most at-risk youth.

Deirdre's Kids:
No child left behind.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Columbus'
Philanthropist of the Year,

Deirdre Piccirillo.

I've devoted my life...

To giving a voice
to the voiceless,

a hand to the handless,

hope...

Why didn't you clap for me?

Really?
Nothing?

I just won an award

and a bunch of poor kids
got Chromebooks.

Nothing?
Nada?

I thought you were just
avoiding tax evasion.

I'm talking to him.

Is this because you were wrong
about the listening doll?

Is it because I'm getting
the show back on the air

and you couldn't?

No. I did not make
too many demands.

I demanded our worth.

He didn't say anything.

I'm aware.

Would you please say
something?

Anything?
Please?

They spelled your name wrong.

Where the fuck is Jeff?

Your hand is glued
to that trophy, isn't it?

No!

I feel like I'm supposed
to be someplace.

- Sorry, elevator's closed.
- For science.

Okay, moment of truth.

I'm nervous.

Oh.

You're a genius.

No.
I failed.

Fix me, Peter.

It's the night of the
Von Trapp's big party.

Fraulein Maria
is out on the patio

teaching Friedrich
the Laendler.

Stop.
Don't do that.

Captain appears in the doorway,
taps his son on the shoulder...

Takes Maria's hand
in his crisp, white glove.

- Peter, please.
- Together at last.

Their two bodies gliding

in perfect synchronicity
under the Austrian moonlight.

It's not gonna work.

So lost in each other's eyes,
they don't even notice...

Notice The Baroness approach.

He never loved her.

Never.

The Captain's heart
melts for Maria,

but she made a vow to God,

which is why
she breaks away from him.

- Breathless.
- Yep.

- Blushing.
- Uh-huh.

- Beguiled
- Amen.

Thanks for spending time
with me.

I hadn't been getting
out much.

No, thanks for the liver.

Um...

now I should go see Jill.

Oh.

I understand.

I should go buy some ping pong
balls and a jar of mayonnaise.

Ping pong balls go in a sock.
Mayonnaise in my hand.

- To masturbate.
- Yeah.

Well, good luck with Pancake.

Thank you.

Um...

She really wants you
to sign those divorce papers.

Oh, right.

Why do you sound like me?

I learned English
from watching your show.

It was the only voice I heard,
so it's the only voice I have.

Jeff?

You still there?

I have to say good-bye
to my best friend today,

but I don't think
I can sign the papers.

If I sign them,
I won't have any friends left.

I'm sorry, Jeff.

If you're calling your
puppet erotica voice double

for relationship advice,

I believe you.

So what should I do?

You have to move on.
Sign the papers.

Ugh.
I don't wanna do it alone.

I want her to be there with me.

What's her number?

It's okay.
You can trust me.

Six-one-four,
one-two-four,

four-three-two-four.

Hi, it's Jill.
Sorry I missed your call.

But please leave a message.

Hi, Jill.
It's me, Jeff.

I'm gonna sign the papers,
but on one condition.

I would like you to be
with me when I do it.

Thanks for understanding.
Good-bye.

How was that?

I couldn't have
said it better myself.

Friends come and go.

Sometimes, we even have to say
good-bye to our best friends.

In the end,
it's important to remember

that our real best friend
is always there,

staring at us in the mirror.

What?

They accepted every term.

Oh, you had... where's the hair?

I know.

I thought it was
against the rules.

My client would like to submit
the substantial proceeds

to the sum of their
shared communal assets.

Actually, my client informs me
that that deal won't close

until well after
we've finished our mediation.

- What?
- Sorry.

Delay in paperwork.

- Well, good move on your part.
- Thank you.

My client also asserts
his entitlement to over

$1 million in funds
meant for charity

that Ms. Piccirillo has hidden
in various accounts

over a period of 12 years.

I'm so sorry.

Those funds have
already been allocated

to our city's at-risk youth.

But I guess I could always
ask that they be returned.

Let the record show
that my client

has recently received
an award for her efforts.

They spelt your name wrong.

- Shrug.
- Let's move on.

- Please.
- Please.

When all is said and
done, we've determined that

the combined value
of their cash,

holdings,
and intellectual property

comes to a total
of $207.4 million.

Ah.

That, what?

What did you just say?

Much of that value comes from
your intellectual property.

These are your designs,
aren't they?

Where'd you...

The state considers these
creatures a communal asset.

Ergo, Scott, a recently-single,

openly-gay man
is entitled to have.

Did you just say openly gay?

Wait, I...
I own all the puppets?

You created them.
The copyrights are in your name.

Your father never told you?

Who knew so many major brands

were clamoring
for spokes-puppets?

I've been fielding calls
all week.

Fast food.
Pharmaceuticals.

You can't have them.

You're the one who agreed
to split everything 50/50.

We did.

I'm sorry.
Let's begin, eh?

My client Scott Perera

will now take sole custody
of the following puppets.

Ennui Le Triste.

$26.1 million.

Snagglehorse.

$18.2 million.

Thump-Thump.

$9.4 million.

The Oops.

$12.4 million.

Oops.

Astronotter.

$21.4 million.

I just want what's fair.

Oh, sorry.

I forgot one.

♪ Some were there
in the beginning ♪

♪ Some don't show up
till the end ♪

♪ But it's the ones
who never leave you ♪

♪ They're the ones
that you can always call ♪

♪ A friend ♪