Kidding (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Up, Down and Everything in Between - full transcript

Ooh!
Ooh...

Previously
on Kidding...

I think I killed Peter.

Peter is in
critical condition.

When Jill comes back,
I'm gonna tell her everything.

Under no circumstances

should you tell her.

He needs a new liver
within two days

or it will fail.

I'm a universal donor.
Just say the word.

- Why do you want to do this?
- Because it's important



to do the right thing.

Peter didn't walk
into traffic.

I...

fucked up.

That's a dick.

Wait until
she puts on the shoes.

Mm. Now it's a dick
wearing shoes.

We have research that shows

that children
who enjoy this toy

are 43% more likely
to eat their vegetables.

Well,
my research shows

that children
who enjoy this toy

are 43% more likely
to eat a dick.

Jeff's Christmas tree
lighting speech



was... a lot of things,

but mainly,
it was a brilliant ad

for Talk-To-Me Pickles.

Every child in America
wanted that toy.

But we can't rest
on our laurels.

To quote our best-selling
product: "I'm listening."

Listening to the market demand
for a follow-up toy

like Play-With-Me Pickles.

I'm sorry,
but neither of you were here

for the great Pickle Wiggler
fiasco of 1993.

Picture that thing,
but vibrating and free,

at the bottom of
a cereal box.

No, you don't
want this on your hands

or in theirs,
for that matter.

Think of something else.

Stop touching them together.

- That's a good start.
- Look,

we can put out
any toy you want,

but we can't sell albums
if the band's not on tour.

- That's the bigger issue.
- I promise you,

Puppet Time will be back
on the air within six months.

You have my word.

That's probably another offer

coming through even as
we speak... excuse me.

Yes?

Jeff did what?

When Phil died...

did you donate his organs
to other people?

No, we didn't.

W-why not?

You know how
your father is.

Anyone whose life he touches

becomes another member
of the family.

If we gave Phil's lungs
to someone,

your dad'd just end up

paying for that guy's kid
to go to college,

painting his house.

I didn't want that.

And on
the 12th day of Christmas,

my true love gave to me
60% of his liver.

For more on one gift that
certainly won't be returned

this holiday season,
we go live to Saint...

For what it's worth,
I told him to lie.

For what it's worth,
I wish he had.

We'll be beginning
the procedure soon

if you'd like to see your
husband beforehand.

Or your boyfriend.

I'll be back.

Here.

Twenty bucks... buy yourself
a soda or something.

Have you ever thought

that maybe
this is all your fault?

For calling him a pussy
so many times?

Not until you said
something.

Which one do you think
is gonna die?

If Peter wakes up,

do you think
she'll talk to me again?

Maybe.

Through her lawyer.

- Hmm.
- I'll talk to her.

What are you gonna say?

I'll make things right,
I promise.

Jeff, I'm Dr. Labanc,
your surgeon for the procedure.

- Hello.
- This is

Dr. Gimple,
your anesthesiologist.

He's subbing in today
from County.

Mr. Pickles, you can feel
anything at all...

except on my watch.

Ah...

Okay to wheel you in?

Yes.

De-liver me.

I'll be here
when you wake up.

Talk to her.

He looks so peaceful.

Oh, he's in a lotta pain.

Is there a particular
kind of music

you'd like to have on
during the procedure?

I'm partial to Brahms'
Hungarian Dance No. 2.

You know, they say he composed
his best piece for the organ.

But they never said
which organ.

Is that a liver joke
or a penis joke?

Oh, it's both.

Okay, Mr. Pickles,

I need you to breathe in
through your nose.

And count down
from ten for me.

Ten...

- nine...
- By the way,

my son really enjoyed
your Christmas speech.

- Hmm?
- I didn't much care for it.

Wait...

That's it.

Breathe in.
Eight...

seven...

six...

five...

four...

- Three...
- How do I get back up?

- Two...
- How do I get back up?

- One.
- How do I get back up?

See you at the bottom.

Oh, God, there he is!

Be quiet,
you foolish man!

Hello?

Secret Chef.

Snagglehorse?
Is that you?

Uhh! You...
You stay away from us!

He's got a knife!

He's going to murder us all,
like that handsome doctor!

No, no, no!
It's just me.

Please come out.

I could never hurt you.
You're my best friends!

He doesn't have a knife.

I was wrong about
the knife thing.

Word of the day
in Pickle Barrel Falls

is vehicular manslaughter!

How do I get up the falls?

Gettin' up the falls is easy.
You...

Don't tell him!
It's a trick!

I have to get back
to my family.

Oh, God, he's going to
kill his family!

Don't kill your family,
Mr. Pickles.

Please! I need to make it
right with them...

so they're not scared
of me too.

Maybe they ssshould be
ssscared of you.

You sssnow-plowed
an anesthesiologist!

Wait!

Your rocket... is that how
I get up the falls?

Don't tell him!
If he gets out,

he'll surely kill again!

Please, Astronotter,
let me borrow your rocket.

- No, no, no!
- Don't let him!

He'll nuke us all to oblivion!

- Zzz, zzz!
- Wait!

Ennui?

Au revoir, cocksucker!

Pardon my French!

Good-bye, cocksucker!

"Dear Jeff and Deirdre,

I found a place
that makes me happy.

Love, Mom."

What does it mean?

It means she found
somewhere happy

because
she wasn't happy here.

It means she's never
coming back.

That's not true.

Moms never get to
have fun.

That's why I'm never
going to have kids.

I wanna see a place
that makes Mom so happy

- she'd choose that over us.
- You don't get it!

She'd have chosen anywhere
over us.

No.

I don't think so.

Must be wonderful there.

Bet it's only a couple
days' walk.

Idiot.

Where's your brother?

Niagara Falls.

What?

Jeff!

Jeffrey!
Jeffrey.

Jeffrey, you need to come
home before it gets dark.

Jeez!

How do I get there?

Where?

Tell me how to get
to the falls...

or I'll shoot you
in the face!

I see... it's all my fault,
isn't it?

- You made her leave!
- Your mom's a manic depressive

who once fed you nothing
but ice cubes for three days.

Come on, let's go.

Ow!

Ow...

You could have
taken my eye out.

- I wish I had!
- Get up, we're going home.

Ow! Ohh...

I hate you, I hate you!

I don't want to live
with you ever again!

Get it out, come on,
get it all out,

because next time,
I'm hitting back.

Uhh!

Here, take my hand.

Take my hand,
and let's go home.

Ohh!

I'm going to the falls!

Let's go home.

Aah!

This is the most beautiful
liver I've ever seen.

Honestly, what do you think
his chances are?

Flip a coin.

Oh...

Aaah!

Aaaah!
Oh, no!

Oh... oh... ohhhhh!

Aaah!

Ohh...

Peter?

You...

Hi.

Welcome to
Pickle Barrow Fa...

Oh! Oh!

Ooh...

How'd I get here?

Did we die?

Oh, my God, is death
people flying in barrels

and rockets
made from twigs?

You mean Astronotter's
rocket?

- What's an Astronotter?
- She's an otter

who's always reaching
for the stars.

Have you
never seen my show?

We're on your show?

No, not the show.

It's the land
the show takes place...

Eeh! Ow!

- You feel that?
- Yes, it hurt!

Oh, my God, this
anesthesiologist is terrible.

He's subbing in for you
from County.

Dr. Gimple?
I mean, I'm surprised

that we're not
both awake right now.

Are you in any pain?

You exploded my liver

with your PT Cruiser,
motherfucker!

Please don't use
a bad word when...

- Aah!
- Get him, Uncle Peter!

I... don't... want...

to... fight you!

Hey, fuck him up!

Fuck you, bread bitch.

Uhh!

The surgery is almost complete.

Peter's body is accepting
Jeff's liver.

We've run into some
complications with Jeff,

but we think he'll be
out of the woods soon.

I will let them know.

Wha...

Aah!

I wanna hit ya.
Something's wrong.

Your body is accepting
my liver.

My hands... I got...

I can't... make

♪ Fists ♪

♪ Why am I singing
when I want to punch you? ♪

Because I'm becoming
a part of you.

♪ Maybe I don't want you
to be a part of me ♪

♪ I want to be angry Peter ♪

I think when you're mad,
it's important

to put that mad into
something productive,

like learning
a new dance step.

Choreography's much more
interesting than violence

- and twice as aerobic.
- ♪ See this is your problem ♪

♪ You need to let your
feelings to the surface ♪

♪ You can't bottle them up
into advanced choreography ♪

♪ Or bad things happen
like you ♪

♪ Hit people with cars ♪

Stop it!

- Puppet music guy!
- Ow!

No, Peter,
you have to accept me,

- or you'll die.
- No, Jeff, you need to

let it out, or you'll kill.

♪ Don't squelch it,
don't squash it ♪

♪ Contain or kibosh it ♪

♪ Express it, exhale,
and expel it ♪

♪ It's healing,
it's cleansing ♪

♪ So breathe deep
and then sing ♪

♪ Or clamor or hammer
or yell it ♪

Holy shit, I'm so good
at rhyming now.

♪ You owe it to yourself ♪

♪ Your pissed,
pent-up poor self ♪

♪ To loosen your gasket
and spout ♪

♪ Go crazy, go ape shit,
unlock and untape shit ♪

♪ And finally, for once,
let it out! ♪

Jesus, is your vocabulary
stored in your liver?

Calm down,
you furious flesh bags!

Your anger
is bubbling my bog!

Ah, quiet,
you linty piece of shit!

Wait, wait, wait.

The bog fuels the rocket!

Yeah, no shit, fucktard!

Dig deep.
What's wounding you, friend?

Spit it out, dipshit!

♪ Okay well, statistically ♪

♪ People sadistically ♪

♪ Point and they laugh
at my hair ♪

♪ It's a choice of a 'do,
but that's for me, not you ♪

♪ And why can't
a grown man just share ♪

♪ His feelings without being
labeled a homosexual? ♪

♪ Jill loved my capacity
for gentle sagacity ♪

♪ Jill ran her Jill hands
through that hair ♪

♪ Then you stole my bride,
almost broke me inside ♪

♪ But I can't let you die
because I can't NOT CARE! ♪

Wow.
That felt wonderful.

♪ I trusted you, Peter,
to not just act sweeter ♪

♪ But smarter and better
with Will ♪

♪ To set good examples,
not offer me samples ♪

♪ Of ganja...
drugs hurt and drugs kill ♪

♪ Will's learning,
still growing ♪

♪ And studies are showing ♪

♪ Pot oopses
a teenager's brain ♪

♪ Yet I'm full of animus
and so pusillanimous ♪

♪ For driving you
out of my lane ♪

Look, man,
it's working.

Keep going.
We're gonna get outta here.

♪ Dum di-di-dum,
dum di-di-dum ♪

♪ Dum di-di-dum, dum
di-di-dum ♪

♪ Dum di-di-dum,
dum di-di-dum ♪

♪ Dum di-di-dum... ♪

♪ Dum di-di... ♪

♪ I'm angry at Vivian ♪
♪ Let it out ♪

- ♪ For ruining Thanksgiving ♪
- ♪ Get it out ♪

♪ I saved her,
and how'd she repay me? ♪

♪ It'll make
the world safer ♪

♪ Are all people greedy? ♪

- ♪ Self-centered, mislead-y ♪
- ♪ We feel ♪

♪ I act like I'm better,
well, yay, me ♪

♪ With you behind
the wheel ♪

♪ I hate my creator ♪

♪ That villain, that traitor ♪

♪ His negligence
makes me the angriest ♪

♪ Would it help if
I gave up a pancreas? ♪

♪ God, I'm ♪

♪ Good but I'm limited,
that's a dichotomy ♪

♪ Gave a Lipinski
a bad tracheotomy ♪

♪ Angry at God
and I'm angry at Jill ♪

♪ She was driving the car ♪

♪ It's her fault
we lost Phil ♪

♪ I'm angry at me ♪

♪ For thinking that ♪

♪ I hate that
I can't forgive her ♪

Look, man.

You did it.

With teamwork.

♪ Now, adios, Pickles ♪

♪ I'm going to fuck
your wife ♪

♪ With your ♪

♪ Liver! ♪

♪ Aaaaaah! ♪

Oh!

Do you think we
could ask you a few questions

about what happened
the other night?

I'm happy to help.

What time did the incident
take place?

About 9:30 p.m.

Make and model
of the car?

A 2006

PT Cruiser with wood panels.

Like a pickle barrel.

Yeah.

Sorry, I just put that
together.

And the PT
stands for Puppet Time.

Holy shit.

Yeah, when the model came out,
he had to have one.

And what was Dr. Zeckhauser
doing in the street?

I don't know.

Just a few more
questions.

Actually, no.

Thanks for your time.

Uh, unless there's anything
you'd like to add.

No, I guess not.

It's a fantastic thing
your husband's doing.

Just fantastic.

- Thank you for that.
- I feel sorry for him.

It was only a matter of time

before something
like this happened.

No one could see this
coming.

I could have circled it
on my motherfucking calendar.

He feels awful
about what he did.

He's gonna spend
the rest of his life

making it up to you.

My condolences.

I only met Peter
a few times,

but I found him to be
a gentle, caring soul.

He isn't dead.

I'm sorry.

I misread the room.

How's the surgery going?
Good, I hope?

We should talk about

putting together a family
meal or something.

Not anytime soon,
just down the road

when they're eating
solid food again.

Please keep Jeff away
from me and my son.

- You don't mean that.
- You could have put him

in therapy, grief counseling.

You could have
taken him off the air.

You could have
loosened his tie!

Would anyone like
a chocolate bar?

Maybe it was
hard on him

seeing you with someone

so soon after
Phil's accident.

What did you say?

Plus, not doing drugs

is a core value for him.

You can see how Peter
smoking dope

might have triggered
all of this, just...

pot is illegal.

I've seen you high!

- What?
- Yeah, let's dump out

your purse and see if you're
worth hitting like a deer!

Don't blame her,
and don't blame the show.

I blame you, Seb.

You could have helped him
anytime... anytime!

Instead, you built
this trap for him.

The show is a trap,
it's an endless loop

denying him his humanity.

Up the falls, down the falls,
up the falls, down the falls,

up, down, up, down, up!

You are a terrible father.

Jeff was a special boy

with a heart...
like Secretariat

and an imagination
I have protected

through tragedy after tragedy.

Everything I have done
for Jeff

you would have done
for Will.

Like cheat on his mom?

There were times when you
could have tried harder.

And you...

always did favor him.

- A little.
- He needed it.

You're fine.

You have a beautiful
family.

I'm getting divorced.

What? Why?

Scott's gay and...

I slept with
Mr. Pickles-San.

He took a vow of chastity!

I'm sorry you're
getting divorced, Deirdre.

Oh, I suppose
that's my fault too?

I'm fine, Dad.

Thanks for your concern.

Look, I don't have to
defend myself.

I was a good mom.
I was a good dad.

And I stayed, God damn it,
I stayed!

When Jeff wakes up,
tell him...

Actually, I don't care.

Why's Grandpa crying?

- Where have you been?
- Here's your money back.

Where did all this
come from?

Bodies.

Is that pasta?

No, it's water,
and over here

is the canyon where it rains
nothing but confetti

because it is
such a happy place.

And this is a tower made
from the best desserts,

so you can eat as you
climb up if you need a snack.

Isn't it a wonderful
place?

This is why I stayed.

But maybe one day
you can meet me here

and see it for yourselves.

I do miss my children.

You just have to figure out
how to get down the waterfall.

That's the only part
I can't figure out.

How do I get down?

Oops. I guess
we're stuck down here.

Maybe down is where we belong.

Hey, little guy.

You look like
you could use a hand.

How do I get up,
Hopscotch?

Silly Jeff, you know how you
get back up to the waterfall.

- I do?
- Of course.

I put you in my hand and bring
you back up to the top.

It's been that way since the
first time you came down here.

Go on, grab a seat.

Thanks for the lift,
big guy.

I don't think I could have
done it without you.

Well, I feel
the same way about you, Jeff.

Do you remember
when we first met?

♪ I was a sad
and lonely sasquatch ♪

♪ I had no home,
nowhere to be ♪

♪ You took me in,
and then you changed that ♪

♪ You built a place for me ♪

♪ You hung the sky
that I could stand in ♪

♪ You dreamed the canyon
tree by tree ♪

♪ You built a place
that makes me happy ♪

♪ You built the place
for me ♪

♪ I was tall as grownups are ♪

♪ And scared of getting
taller ♪

♪ You showed me fears
all are ♪

♪ Pretend ♪

♪ Thank you, Jeff ♪

♪ Thank you,
friend ♪

♪ Home is a place
where people matter ♪

♪ Home is a place
for family ♪

♪ You built my home ♪

♪ And that's what matters ♪

♪ You built a place for me ♪

I can get you
down the waterfall.

How?

In this pickle barrel,
of course.

Now, falls can be risky.

Here... be careful.

♪ You built a place
for me ♪

♪ Where I was happy ♪

♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪

♪ Up goes the barrel ♪

♪ Jeff feels anxious ♪

♪ Down goes the barrel ♪

♪ Jeff feels free ♪

♪ Jeff has a feeling ♪

♪ Dad says hide it ♪

♪ He built a cage, I see ♪

♪ Somehow I've got to ♪

♪ Break the cycle ♪

♪ I know the lock,
I'll forge the key ♪

♪ I will be more than
two dimensions ♪

♪ I'll get there ♪

♪ Wait ♪

♪ For me ♪

Welcome back, my boy.

You're gonna be
just fine.

They told me to feed you
ice chips for three days,

but we both know
I'm not doin' that.

Remember these?

- Ha.
- Turns out,

they're not so easy
to find anymore.

Dad.

I'm here.

What do you need?

You're fired.