Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil (2010–2012): Season 2, Episode 25 - Bad Table Manners/Petrified! - full transcript

Dad uses ping pong to win control of the TV until Kick picks up the paddle.

♪ Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick

♪ kick buttowski, buttowski

♪ kick

♪ kick

♪ kick buttowski

♪ kick, kick, kick

♪ kick buttowski

♪ kick, kick, kick, kick

♪ kick

♪ kick

♪ kick buttowski

♪ kick buttowski! ♪

It's more brilliant than a
thousand sparkly unicorns.

It's more brilliant than a
million sparkly unicorns.

That's right, kids.
And this tv has extra features.

Please be unicorns.
Please be unicorns.

It has not one but
two safety guides.

I'm gonna watch teena
sometimes the musical.

No! I wanna watch
tankini lumberjacks.

Also the musical.

(both growling)

(both yelling)

Who's winning?

Your sister.
I should make them settle this

Like my family did
when i was growing up.

Hey, that gives me an idea!


Bradley, brianna,
follow me to the garage.

We're going to settle this like my
family did when i was growing up.


Here they are.

Now, when i was young,
the ping pong paddle was our judge.

The winner got what they wanted.

All: Ping pong? Ah, ping pong.

The sport of kings.

So what do you say, kids? Winner
gets control of the tv for the night?

That's lame! Tankini musical!

Teena! Tankini musical!

Teena! Guys!

If dad wants to settle this in an
entertaining and hilarious way,

You should do what he says.
Dad's the boss, right, dad?

That's right.

What? Nice short shorts.

This is very fashionable ping pong wear!
Let's play!

(both grunting)


(both grunting)

(garage door opening)


Harold! I told you to get
rid of this cursed table.

You know how you get
when you play ping pong.

Relax, honey.
My king of ping days are behind me.

I'm just watching. (screaming)

Now where were we?


Oh, yeah.
You know daddy love how you do.

(brianna clearing throat)

(clears throat) match point.

In your face!

Tankini musical, here i come!

Actually, son. I want to watch
the new episode of mail cop.

Ha! Sure, if you think you
can beat the ping pong brad!



The key to ping pong is
hand-eye coordination,

Lightning-fast reflexes
and a thirst for the kill!

(yells) ping pong!

(screaming) why?

My beautiful forehead!

(both laughing)

Ha! Point for the brad!

Once you start a game of the
ping, you finish it!

No matter what!

Time to put you out of your
misery with my signature shot.

I call it the return to sender!

Yeah, whatever.

(alarm beeping)


Can i at least watch my tankini
musical during commercial breaks?

Play me for it. (screaming)


I feared this day would come.

The day the king
of ping returned.

And it's only
going to get worse.

Your father has never
lost a game of ping pong.

And with each victory his power grows.
And grows!

How do we defeat him?
I wanna watch the big screen!

We need a champion.

Someone to beat your father and
end his reign of ping pong terror.

They'll need hand-eye

Lightning-fast reflexes,

And a thirst for the kill!


Kick, how'd you like to
play your dad in ping pong?

Sorry, mom. I don't do ping...

Hey! Let me go!

This is all your
fault, dillweed!

You reawakened the king of ping!

And you're the only
one who can save us!

You've always been my favorite.

Hey! Hey!

Oh, calm down.
(chuckles) i'm just serious.

If your father wins, we'll never be
able to watch the family tv again.

This is your battle!

the gnarly games are on tonight,

And i'm gonna watch
every second of them!

Oh, is that what you think?
(all gasping)

Because soon,
there's a marathon starting

For mail cop, spu, special postal unit.
And i plan to watch

All night. And every night.



Warm up, dad.
Because i'm about to do ping pong.

(all cheering)

You wanna play me
for the tv tonight?

No! If i win,
we never play ping pong again.

Fine. But if i win, ping pong decides
everything we do in this house.


(all screaming) see
you in three minutes.

Why not now?

The king drank a
little too much tea.

It's time, family.

Let's dethrone the king!

Don't let your mouth write
checks your paddle can't cash.

Harold, how much did that cost?

Twelve thousand dollars.

We're playing for the tv and
we're playing for this table.

Any last words, kick?

Just three.
Bring the ping, king.

Wait a minute, that was four.

Hey! I wasn't ready.
So get ready.

Cause once you start a game
of the ping you finish it!

No matter what!

(screams) ping pong!

No one's ever
returned my forehand.

Until now. (gasps)

Okay, let's finish this!

Match point!

She's rolling!

Once you start a
game of the ping...

Kick: You finish it!

No... Matter...

Both: What!



Tankini lumberjacks!
Teena sometimes!

(cars honking)

(operatic singing)


Dad: Congratulations!

Thanks again, kick!


Gnarly games!
Mail cop, spu marathon!

I think it's time for

The return to sender!


Teena sometimes!

Tankini lumberjacks!



(all cheering)

Goodbye, ping pong.
Hello, gnarly games.

Man: Gnarly games!

Ow! You're crushing my spine!

Bradley, be mature about...

Ow! You're crushing my spine!
Quiet! I can't hear anything!

There's only room for one of us.

I say we settle this how we
used to when i was growing up.


(all screaming)

Kick: Mom and brianna think
that the buttowski boys camp out

Is a night of bonding,
songs and weenie roasts.

But it's really about scaring each other
out of the tent with ghost stories.

Dad wins every year.

It all began with year one!

And that's when their
father revealed he was

A vampire-nurse!

(both screaming)

Last one in the tent! Yeah, dad!

And then the madman destroyed

The daredevil's
cherished skateboard!

Last one in the tent! Yeah, dad!

And that's when the clown

Whispered his evil plan into
the little daredevil's ear.


Last one in the tent! Yeah, dad!

(stutters) what
did the clown say?

Trust me. You do not wanna know.

Dad's stories are so scary,
i've never had the chance to tell my own.

But this year? I'm gonna win.

How can you be so sure?

My secret weapon. Ready, wade?

Ready for operation




Tonight, i will be the
last one in the tent.

For vikings, this is st.
Olaf's eve,

Where we dress up and carve a giant
canoe to honor the great sailor.

And i'm missing it for this.

So there better be s'mores.

We're all outta s'mores.


One down, two to go!

Looking mighty confident there, kick.
You want to go first?

I think i'll wait till last.

We'll let brad go first.

He'll probably scare himself!

(both laughing)

Hey! I can hear you!

Besides, joke's on you.
I can't leave the tent!

I tied myself up with
this bungee cord!

Yeah, genius brad!

Boo. (screaming)

Boo again. (screaming)

Boo. (screaming)

Boo. (screaming)

They're in the tent! Release!

(both sighing)

A night alone without the boys.

Time to relax!

You said it, sister.
Let's do this!

Consider if you will,
a tale of mystery so mysterious

It will mystify you.

So mystifying it
will mysterious you.

Tick-tock. Come on, let's go!

I'm setting the mood here!

My story is called,

The toilet of terror.

(school bell ringing)

For your observedment.

Poor woodrow couldn't
resist the extra large soda.

Just a quarter more.

One night, woodrow got
stuck at school after hours,

In dire need of the restroom!

But they were locked, so he had
to cross the foggy football field

To use the portable toilet!

When he got inside,
everything seemed normal.

But then...



In the toilet,
no one can hear you scream.

And the next morning,

There were two portable toilets!


So, he turns into a toilet?

Ooh! I'm so scared!

(both laughing) into a toilet!

Maybe next year, brad.
Now step aside and let a man do man's work


One day, someone will
believe your story, woody.

And now, a tale so terrifying

You might as well flee now.


The car! (laughing maniacally)

Give me some cash, old man!

Be careful with the wax
job, son!

Dear old dad is plumb broke.

I spent my whole paycheck
on your personal trainer.

Thanks for the mad
bills, geezer!

(gasps) my sweet baby! I'm so sorry
i have such disrespectful children.

Sometimes, i wish they'd just...

(engine starts)

Well, that's odd.

(car engine starts)

Hmm. That's strange as well.

(car engine starts)

Take that, breadwinner!

Pretty baby. You'll be okay now.

Harold! Why are all these
oil stains on your collar?

Also, where are the children?

Honey! Want to go for a ride?

(laughing maniacally)



You don't have to be brave, son.
You can run away screaming.

Oh, i'm not scared.
But you're about to be.

And now, a story about
something in every front yard...


(both laughing)

That's lamer than toilets!

Oh, laugh now,
but soon you'll experience

A nightmare on buttowski street.

There once was a spruce tree
in a suburban front yard.

Just like the one you
two cut down earlier.

But its branches blocked the view
of a certain special neighbor...

Dang it!

Kick: And ruined the wax job
of a certain special car.

Dang it!

Kick: So they conspired to
get rid of the tree. Forever.

(both laughing)

Kick: Some trees
refuse to stay down.

Oh, no, not this one.
This tree came alive!

Wow, i've never been so happy
over the death of a tree!

I sure have,
son but this is still wonderful!

Yeah, dad!



Kick: The tree wanted vengeance.

So it dragged them into its
root-filled lair for eternity!

(screaming) (slurping)

(screaming) (slurping)

And they were all never
seen of ever again.

(nervous laugh) ooh!

A killer tree! Terrifying!
Right, brad?

(chuckles nervously) yeah.
Right. Trees.

Which surround us everywhere.

Trees i've wronged!

(branches creaking)

(gasps) what was that?
(mockingly) what was that?

I'm kick and i think
i'm going to win.

(creaking continues)
wait, what was that?

I mean, wait, what was that?

(teeth chattering)

Must be wade. But he's early.

Wade's never early.

Wade, are you here?

Sorry, danger dude. I can't leave.
I've got responsibilities now.

What's going on, kick? Outside.

It was supposed to be wade.

But it's not. (loud creaking)

No! What is it? What is it?

It's quiet. (sighs)

Looks like everything's...

(screams) it's the
spruce strangler!

Finally come for revenge
against your deplorable actions!

Hey! You're the one that
wanted to cut the tree down!

So did you!
To spy on the tankini neighbor!

Wait, what?
That was in my story!

And i never mentioned
a "spruce strangler."

Well obviously your story came
true, kick!

We've gotta get out of here!

Oh, no. Nice try, dad.
I'm not losing.

Kick, this isn't about
winning or losing.

This is about saving
your mother and sister.

From a tree. Okay.

You're right. Let's do this.

Last one in the tent! Yeah, dad!

Right behind you, kick.

Oh, look, they're heading back
inside earlier than last year.

Well, let's go pretend we were
giving each other makeovers

Or something girly.

Oh, no! It's locked!

The front door! The front door!

(all screaming)

The tree's already got them!

Boys, your mother and
sister are probably goners.

It's best we just forget them.
We'll have to start over.

In a tree-less environment.
With less demanding

and a less expensive daughter.

"Less demanding"?

"It's best we just forget them"?

Oh, harold.
You and your ghost stories.

But, mom, the spruce strangler!

He's out for revenge because
dad chopped him down.

He soiled monique!

What was i supposed to do?

That is ridicu...

(loud stomping) real!

(all screaming)

Sorry for all the racket. Just using the
rest of your tree for my canoe carving.

Anyone want to join?
It's just as hard as it looks!

No? Just me?

Whoa! What?


(both screaming)

Last one in the tent!
Yeah, kick!


Huh? Huh?