Key and Peele (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript
New Key & Peele airs Wednesdays on Comedy Central. Sketches include a bachelor party that gets weird, and a black kid with a white penis.
♪ Struggle in da house ♪
♪ Using words and rhymes
to get through hard times ♪
♪ Yeah
Come on ♪
♪ I came from the streets
with nothing in my pockets ♪
♪ No food, no boots,
no power in the sockets ♪
♪ Each battle I fight
a role model and a teacher ♪
♪ Hip-hop my church
Every rapper a preacher ♪
♪ I preach from my ass,
my fart is my sermount ♪
♪ The church is your mouth,
where I shout my Holy sperm in ♪
♪ You can take your role models,
roll 'em up my meat ♪
♪ Bitches always on the menu
when I go out to eat ♪
♪ But everywhere we go,
we don't forget the struggles, son ♪
♪ Black woman, two jobs, two kids,
too tired to juggle them ♪
♪ Juggle 'em, juggle 'em,
jiggity, jiggity juggle 'em ♪
♪ Yum, yum, yummy,
Titty titties in my tummy, yum ♪
♪ Titties in my mouth,
I got titties in my mouth ♪
♪ I got tig ol' bitties from
a bunch of different cities ♪
♪ I got... ♪
"Titties in my mouth.
I've got titties in my mouth.
"I've got tig ol' bitties
From a bunch of different cities."
- Thank you.
- All right, that's enough.
That's sheer poetry.
Sheer poetry.
- What's up guys?
- Hey, you guys.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
- I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
- This is Key and Peele.
- Thank you.
So, we are fans of action...
What's you favorite action...
- Who's your favorite action star?
- My favorite action star is Tony Jaa.
- Tony Jaa.
- Yes. Yes. Yes.
- You know this guy?
- He's from Thailand,
and he's a dynamo, he's a firecracker.
He's always like, "Yaa!"
I love all the Asian and black people
were, like, "Yeah, Tony Jaa."
I like that you're bringing
that muay Thai out.
Oh, muay Thai,
that's what he uses.
- That's my jam right there.
- Do you like muay Thai?
- Do you like muay Thai?
- Bip. Bip. Bip. Bip.
- No, I've been learning?
- You're learning?
I've been practicing
some of my techniques.
Oh, have you been studying
muay Thai from a muay Thai master?
You've been studying muay Thai
from a muay Thai master?
On TV, yes. On TV.
They're on television.
You can study them yourself.
MMA.
Are you studying...
What is this?
- Sorry?
- Is that muay Thai chi?
I mean, right there? What is...?
But this is... this is
good martial arts
if you're in the slo-mo section
of the film.
Mmm-taka-taka-taka-taka.
Tang-taka-taka-taka-taka.
Taka-taka-taka-taka
taka-taka-taka-taka.
I've still got him,
I don't know what happened there.
Okay, watch this, everybody.
I was wondering
when I would come in here
to find you
sitting in that chair.
It wasn't easy
tracking you down, Decker.
Wasn't supposed to be.
I know you've retired,
but...
That's all behind me now,
General.
I'm not the man you knew
during the Cold War.
I understand.
We're now facing a threat unlike
any we've ever faced before.
- A man with your expertise...
- I made a vow.
Never to kill another
human being.
Sorry, General,
gotta have to find
someone else.
Oh...
No, we hmm...
we weren't thinking you'd do it.
We were...
just hoping
you cold recommend
someone for the job.
I guess I could come out
of retirement.
No. No need.
Just a recommendation will do.
All right.
I'll do it.
You know, you're just
not what we're looking for.
You sly son of a bitch.
You always knew how
to push my buttons.
- I'm in.
- Not you, Decker!
I'm sharp as I ever was.
Even faster too.
Grab my hand.
Nope.
Wait till I count
to three first.
One.
Two.
Three.
Okay.
I want you to try
and slap me in the face.
Unh! Wasn't ready for that.
Try again.
- Unh! 'kay, you know what?
- You know what?
Didn't have my adrenaline up.
'cause this is not an actual
high-stakes situation.
All right.
Draw your weapon.
And... disarmed.
You're getting pretty quick.
And... disarmed. Okay.
I don't need to take
your weapon.
You know what?
Shoot me.
I am not going to shoot you.
- Wing me in the shoulder.
- This is ridiculous!
Try, General,
see what happens.
Deflected... Ooww!
- Okay. I made a mistake coming here.
- Wing me in the other shoulder.
- I'd rather not.
- I insist.
Deflected... Aaahh!
That was because
my other arm was already injured.
- Okay. I'm leaving.
- All right.
- All or nothing. Gut shot.
- No!
Gut shot!
Come on!
If you can shoot me in the gut,
I'll concede.
- Decker, you have two wounded arms.
- Gut shot! Go!
Got it.
You... you caught the bullet?
Oh, yeah.
So, you're telling me
that the bullet
is in-between your hands
right now?
That's what I'm telling you...
Is that all you got?
Come on. Head shot.
Head shot.
Let's go.
I'm ready. I wasn't...
Wait one sec. though.
Okay, I just want people to be
straight with us and just admit...
Who here has tormented
a substitute teacher?
I don't understand why.
I don't believe the people who are
raising their hands, by the way.
- Right.
- They seem way too polite.
I don't understand why. But why?
I've never understood why.
I always tried to be polite
to the substitute teacher.
Everybody had that kid
in school that was, like,
- a real...
- a real rapscallion.
- A rapscallion. A scallywag.
- Yeah. A jackanape.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hm.
I was the kid that was just
doodling in the corner.
"What's up?"
You know, that was me.
But I had...
I know you had one.
I had this kid who,
if a substitute teacher came,
my man would be surfing
on the desk.
No joke. My man would get up,
talking about...
Looking him in the eye.
Joey. Get off... Joey.
Joey, get off the desk. Joey.
Joey, get off the desk.
I'm telling you now
to get off the desk, Joey.
Get off. Unbelievable.
Don't do that. Don't do that.
- Probably in jail now.
Right.
All right, listen up, y'all.
I'm y'all's substitute teacher,
Mr. Garvey.
I taught school for 20 years
in the inner city,
so don't even think
about messing with me.
- Y'all feel me?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. Let's take roll here.
Jay Quellin.
Where's Jay Quellin at?
No Jay Quellin here?
Yeah.
Uh, do you mean "Jacqueline"?
Okay. So that's how it's gonna be.
Y'all wanna play.
Okay, then.
I got my eyes on you,
Jay Quellin.
Balakay.
Where is Balakay at?
There's no Balakay
here today?
- Yes, sir.
- My name is Blake.
Bl...
Are you out of your goddamn mind?
"Blake"!
What?
- Do you wanna go to war, Balakey?
- No.
- 'cause we could go to war.
- No.
I'm for real.
I'm for real.
So you better check yourself.
Dee-nice.
Is there a Dee-Nice?
If one of y'all says
some silly-ass name...
This whole class
is gonna feel my wrath.
- Now, Dee-Nice.
- Do you mean "Denise"?
- You say your name right, right now.
- Denise?
- You say it right.
- Denise.
- Correctly.
- Denise.
- Right.
- Denise.
- Right.
- Dee-Nice?
That's better.
Thank you.
Now, A.A. Ron.
Where are you?
Where is A.A. Ron right now?
No A. A. Ron, huh?
Well, you better be sick,
dead or mute,
- A.A. Ron.
- Here! Oh, man.
Why didn't you answer me
the first time I said it, huh?
Huh?
You know, I'm just asking you.
I said it, like, four times.
So, why didn't you say it
the first time I said, "A.A. Ron"?
Because it's pronounced
"Aaron".
Son of a bitch!
You done messed up, A.A. Ron!
Now take your ass on down
to Oh-Shag-Henessy's office,
right now, and tell him exactly
what you did!
- Who?
- Oh-Shag-Henessy!
Principal O'Shaughnessy?
Get out of my goddamn classroom
before I break my foot off in your ass!
Insubordinate...
and churlish.
Tym-Oh-Thee.
- Present.
- Thank you.
To the man of the hour.
Guys...
Best bachelor party ever!
- Mm!
- Mm! Oh, yeah!
- Whoo!
- Yeah! That's the stuff.
- I can still do it.
- All right, fellas!
What do you say...
we get a stripper?
- Yeah!
- All right!
Trey, I told you man,
no strippers.
Aw, is this a bachelor party
or isn't it?
- Yeah!
- That's right!
I'm your best man, there's no way
I'm gonna let you puss out
on your own bachelor party.
We're getting the strippers and
we're gonna connect the dots.
- Yes!
- Connect the dots? What?
Yeah...
Tinkertoy it, man.
We're all behind her
and then we all,
bup-bup-bup-bup. We go to town!
- Yeah!
- We go to town!
Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
What's "bup-bup-bup-bup"?
Dude. You know. You're upfront,
then
bup-bup-bup-bup!
Game on!
No. Hold up, hold up,
hold up. No.
- What's the "bup-bup-bup-bup"?
- Yeah, yeah, what is that?
Guys!
This is Tommy's last night
of freedom!
- Come on!
- What's "bup-bup-bup-bup", though?
You know...
Bup-bup-bup-bup.
Okay, okay, okay, when you say
"bup-bup-bup-bup",
- are we... what are we... are we all...
- Linked up!
Yeah! Baby elephant walk.
Whoo!
Okay, okay, okay, um...
Are you saying
that we would all
be [bleep]ing each other?
You don't understand
what I'm sayi...
Oh, dude! Okay. Look.
Here it is, okay?
- You're [bleep]ing the girl, right?
- Right.
Yeah.
Then, we bup-bup-bup-bup!
That's it! Right there! Right there!
Yeah, what the [bleep]?
I'm not doing that.
You guys!
Tommy's about to walk
the plank of marriage, all right?
This is our last chance.
Last chance for what?
I'm not gonna [bleep] a guy.
No! Dude, we'd all
be [bleep]ing the girl.
- Oh, okay!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Together,
bup-bup-bup,bup.
- No!
- No!
See, but right there, Trey.
That's the weird part!
- The "bup-bup-bup-bup".
- Okay, I get it. I get it.
You don't want to be disrespectful
to women. I get that.
- That's not really the issue.
- Okay, forget the girl.
Armenian conveyer belt: just the groom
and his groomsmen, bup-bup-bup-bup.
- No!
- No!
You kept the part that noboby wants!
The bup-bup-bup-bup!
Yeah, I definitely don't want
to have sex with any of you guys!
- Yeah, you're killing my buzz.
- Guys! What the [bleep], man!
This is supposed to be Tommy's last
big celebration. No judgment.
Judgment is not what is keeping us
from [bleep]ing each other!
Jeez! Forget it, Trey!
No! I'm saying, guys,
if you listen to my words,
Tommy's in here [bleep]ing
the stripper. We're in the other room.
- Bup-bup-bup-bup.
- No!
No "bup-bup-bup-bup"!
Nobody wants the "bup-bup-bup-bup"!
You're here [bleep]ing the stripper,
the rest of us are just
- jiggy-jiggy-jiggy-jiggy...
- No!
- Aah! No!
- No!
Oh, my God!
You guys are so gay!
How do you think you would fare
if you went into the penal system?
The penile system?
I think if I went through
the penile system,
I think the penile system
would go through me.
Lewis Lawrence is beginning
his life sentence.
In order to survive,
he must join a gang.
(Lewis) Do you understand?
I know how it work, right?
When you're in prison,
what you need is protection, right?
And the way to do that
is by getting into a gang.
I was surprised to find out that
there is a bald gang in prison.
They're gonna be my homies.
Talking about some B.B.W.W.
"Bald brothers, what-what?"
What's up, homie?
Nice haircut.
Get the [bleep] outta here.
I mean they haven't officially
asked me to be in the gang yet,
'cause you need to earn
they respect first.
Hey!
You're in the wrong neighborhood,
you black mother[bleep]er.
Aah!
Step off my homies, mother[bleep]er,
or I'll [bleep] you up!
What's up! What's up!
You know what I'm talkin' about!
Aah! Unh! Aah!
So that was it right there, okay?
That's what they call a "jump in."
That's the initiation process.
So, it's my understanding
that I'm now a member
of the Bald Brotherhood gang,
okay?
I mean, those mother[bleep]ers
beat the [bleep] out of me.
That's a euphemism
you hear all the time.
But you don't know if it's true,
it can't be true. How is it possible?
But that mother[bleep]er, bip!
And diarrhea just went "Pssh"!,
right out my ass!
So I hope... like, I hope that's,
like, lifetime dues right there.
What the...?
It's the happiest day of my life
is what I'm saying.
Despite the lack
of encouragement,
Lewis continues to try and ingratiate
himself to the gang.
What? This long-haired bitch?
Yeah! That's what I'm talking
about, hero!
Trying to creep up on
my bald brothers, bitch!
I oughta kick you again.
What? What?
Aah! Oh! Aah!
Hey, you all right, man? You all right?
Come on, get up, get up.
We got you, son. We got you, son.
What? Man, get your hands off me,
you hair-having mother[bleep]er!
Aah! Aah! Man, get down there.
Unh! Unh!
- Aah! Aah!
- Whoa! Unh!
I mean, I think
I accidentally got hit
by some of my bald brothers.
Guards!
That's right!
Bald brotherhood forever, man!
'sup!
But you know,
that's prison, man.
I mean, you don't never know
what side it's coming from.
Lewis has yet to make
any alliances.
Meanwhile, an unprecedented
peace has been brokered
between black and white
prison gangs.
The once unsurmountable
racial divide
now bridged
by a mutual hatred...
for Lewis.
Dude!
Hey, you going to Ray's party?
Yeah, I'm going.
- You know Amy's gonna be there.
- Yeah, I know.
Things have been real good with her,
man. Tonight could be the night.
- Could be.
- Dude, are you okay?
Not really, dude.
What's wrong? You get the hottest
girl at a party with no parents.
You're definitely gonna hit
that for sure tonight, man.
- You're gonna lose that V. for good.
- My penis is white.
- Excuse me?
- I have a white penis.
What? But you're black.
Nuh-uh. I'm bi-racial.
All the white went straight
to my penis.
That... what... what...
you mean, like, the color?
- Oh...
- Yeah.
But wait, dude...
I mean...
- how bad could it be?
- It's bad.
- How bad?
- It's like a Snickers.
- Regular or fun size?
- Which one do you get at Halloween?
- Fun size.
- That's the one.
- [bleep]
- I know.
What am I gonna do?
I mean, I...
How am I gonna hit it with Amy
with my little white penis.
Everyone's gonna find out and
I'm never gonna hear the end of it.
Dude, dude, dude. Amy's white.
She's not gonna care.
- Really?
- Yeah. She's white.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I guess you're right. She's probably
not even gonna know the difference.
Nah, man. White girl, white penis.
You're all good.
Hey, there he is.
How'd it go last night?
- Don't wanna talk about it.
- Well, what happened?
Black vagina.
Happy?
I just gotta get this off...
My girl, right here,
Your mouth was agape
after "black vagina".
She was just like...
It's just, like... I've only seen...
In my whole life, I've only seen
Macaulay Culkin do that.
In my whole life.
Serious, she was, like,
it was crazy.
- All right, let's get outta here.
- Let's get outta here.
You and I go to the bar,
couple of friends. And then, maybe...
- Bup-bup.
- Let's just bup-bup-bup-bup.
Yeah.
Good night, everybody.
♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪
Oh, yeah.
♪ Using words and rhymes
to get through hard times ♪
♪ Yeah
Come on ♪
♪ I came from the streets
with nothing in my pockets ♪
♪ No food, no boots,
no power in the sockets ♪
♪ Each battle I fight
a role model and a teacher ♪
♪ Hip-hop my church
Every rapper a preacher ♪
♪ I preach from my ass,
my fart is my sermount ♪
♪ The church is your mouth,
where I shout my Holy sperm in ♪
♪ You can take your role models,
roll 'em up my meat ♪
♪ Bitches always on the menu
when I go out to eat ♪
♪ But everywhere we go,
we don't forget the struggles, son ♪
♪ Black woman, two jobs, two kids,
too tired to juggle them ♪
♪ Juggle 'em, juggle 'em,
jiggity, jiggity juggle 'em ♪
♪ Yum, yum, yummy,
Titty titties in my tummy, yum ♪
♪ Titties in my mouth,
I got titties in my mouth ♪
♪ I got tig ol' bitties from
a bunch of different cities ♪
♪ I got... ♪
"Titties in my mouth.
I've got titties in my mouth.
"I've got tig ol' bitties
From a bunch of different cities."
- Thank you.
- All right, that's enough.
That's sheer poetry.
Sheer poetry.
- What's up guys?
- Hey, you guys.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
- I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
- This is Key and Peele.
- Thank you.
So, we are fans of action...
What's you favorite action...
- Who's your favorite action star?
- My favorite action star is Tony Jaa.
- Tony Jaa.
- Yes. Yes. Yes.
- You know this guy?
- He's from Thailand,
and he's a dynamo, he's a firecracker.
He's always like, "Yaa!"
I love all the Asian and black people
were, like, "Yeah, Tony Jaa."
I like that you're bringing
that muay Thai out.
Oh, muay Thai,
that's what he uses.
- That's my jam right there.
- Do you like muay Thai?
- Do you like muay Thai?
- Bip. Bip. Bip. Bip.
- No, I've been learning?
- You're learning?
I've been practicing
some of my techniques.
Oh, have you been studying
muay Thai from a muay Thai master?
You've been studying muay Thai
from a muay Thai master?
On TV, yes. On TV.
They're on television.
You can study them yourself.
MMA.
Are you studying...
What is this?
- Sorry?
- Is that muay Thai chi?
I mean, right there? What is...?
But this is... this is
good martial arts
if you're in the slo-mo section
of the film.
Mmm-taka-taka-taka-taka.
Tang-taka-taka-taka-taka.
Taka-taka-taka-taka
taka-taka-taka-taka.
I've still got him,
I don't know what happened there.
Okay, watch this, everybody.
I was wondering
when I would come in here
to find you
sitting in that chair.
It wasn't easy
tracking you down, Decker.
Wasn't supposed to be.
I know you've retired,
but...
That's all behind me now,
General.
I'm not the man you knew
during the Cold War.
I understand.
We're now facing a threat unlike
any we've ever faced before.
- A man with your expertise...
- I made a vow.
Never to kill another
human being.
Sorry, General,
gotta have to find
someone else.
Oh...
No, we hmm...
we weren't thinking you'd do it.
We were...
just hoping
you cold recommend
someone for the job.
I guess I could come out
of retirement.
No. No need.
Just a recommendation will do.
All right.
I'll do it.
You know, you're just
not what we're looking for.
You sly son of a bitch.
You always knew how
to push my buttons.
- I'm in.
- Not you, Decker!
I'm sharp as I ever was.
Even faster too.
Grab my hand.
Nope.
Wait till I count
to three first.
One.
Two.
Three.
Okay.
I want you to try
and slap me in the face.
Unh! Wasn't ready for that.
Try again.
- Unh! 'kay, you know what?
- You know what?
Didn't have my adrenaline up.
'cause this is not an actual
high-stakes situation.
All right.
Draw your weapon.
And... disarmed.
You're getting pretty quick.
And... disarmed. Okay.
I don't need to take
your weapon.
You know what?
Shoot me.
I am not going to shoot you.
- Wing me in the shoulder.
- This is ridiculous!
Try, General,
see what happens.
Deflected... Ooww!
- Okay. I made a mistake coming here.
- Wing me in the other shoulder.
- I'd rather not.
- I insist.
Deflected... Aaahh!
That was because
my other arm was already injured.
- Okay. I'm leaving.
- All right.
- All or nothing. Gut shot.
- No!
Gut shot!
Come on!
If you can shoot me in the gut,
I'll concede.
- Decker, you have two wounded arms.
- Gut shot! Go!
Got it.
You... you caught the bullet?
Oh, yeah.
So, you're telling me
that the bullet
is in-between your hands
right now?
That's what I'm telling you...
Is that all you got?
Come on. Head shot.
Head shot.
Let's go.
I'm ready. I wasn't...
Wait one sec. though.
Okay, I just want people to be
straight with us and just admit...
Who here has tormented
a substitute teacher?
I don't understand why.
I don't believe the people who are
raising their hands, by the way.
- Right.
- They seem way too polite.
I don't understand why. But why?
I've never understood why.
I always tried to be polite
to the substitute teacher.
Everybody had that kid
in school that was, like,
- a real...
- a real rapscallion.
- A rapscallion. A scallywag.
- Yeah. A jackanape.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hm.
I was the kid that was just
doodling in the corner.
"What's up?"
You know, that was me.
But I had...
I know you had one.
I had this kid who,
if a substitute teacher came,
my man would be surfing
on the desk.
No joke. My man would get up,
talking about...
Looking him in the eye.
Joey. Get off... Joey.
Joey, get off the desk. Joey.
Joey, get off the desk.
I'm telling you now
to get off the desk, Joey.
Get off. Unbelievable.
Don't do that. Don't do that.
- Probably in jail now.
Right.
All right, listen up, y'all.
I'm y'all's substitute teacher,
Mr. Garvey.
I taught school for 20 years
in the inner city,
so don't even think
about messing with me.
- Y'all feel me?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. Let's take roll here.
Jay Quellin.
Where's Jay Quellin at?
No Jay Quellin here?
Yeah.
Uh, do you mean "Jacqueline"?
Okay. So that's how it's gonna be.
Y'all wanna play.
Okay, then.
I got my eyes on you,
Jay Quellin.
Balakay.
Where is Balakay at?
There's no Balakay
here today?
- Yes, sir.
- My name is Blake.
Bl...
Are you out of your goddamn mind?
"Blake"!
What?
- Do you wanna go to war, Balakey?
- No.
- 'cause we could go to war.
- No.
I'm for real.
I'm for real.
So you better check yourself.
Dee-nice.
Is there a Dee-Nice?
If one of y'all says
some silly-ass name...
This whole class
is gonna feel my wrath.
- Now, Dee-Nice.
- Do you mean "Denise"?
- You say your name right, right now.
- Denise?
- You say it right.
- Denise.
- Correctly.
- Denise.
- Right.
- Denise.
- Right.
- Dee-Nice?
That's better.
Thank you.
Now, A.A. Ron.
Where are you?
Where is A.A. Ron right now?
No A. A. Ron, huh?
Well, you better be sick,
dead or mute,
- A.A. Ron.
- Here! Oh, man.
Why didn't you answer me
the first time I said it, huh?
Huh?
You know, I'm just asking you.
I said it, like, four times.
So, why didn't you say it
the first time I said, "A.A. Ron"?
Because it's pronounced
"Aaron".
Son of a bitch!
You done messed up, A.A. Ron!
Now take your ass on down
to Oh-Shag-Henessy's office,
right now, and tell him exactly
what you did!
- Who?
- Oh-Shag-Henessy!
Principal O'Shaughnessy?
Get out of my goddamn classroom
before I break my foot off in your ass!
Insubordinate...
and churlish.
Tym-Oh-Thee.
- Present.
- Thank you.
To the man of the hour.
Guys...
Best bachelor party ever!
- Mm!
- Mm! Oh, yeah!
- Whoo!
- Yeah! That's the stuff.
- I can still do it.
- All right, fellas!
What do you say...
we get a stripper?
- Yeah!
- All right!
Trey, I told you man,
no strippers.
Aw, is this a bachelor party
or isn't it?
- Yeah!
- That's right!
I'm your best man, there's no way
I'm gonna let you puss out
on your own bachelor party.
We're getting the strippers and
we're gonna connect the dots.
- Yes!
- Connect the dots? What?
Yeah...
Tinkertoy it, man.
We're all behind her
and then we all,
bup-bup-bup-bup. We go to town!
- Yeah!
- We go to town!
Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
What's "bup-bup-bup-bup"?
Dude. You know. You're upfront,
then
bup-bup-bup-bup!
Game on!
No. Hold up, hold up,
hold up. No.
- What's the "bup-bup-bup-bup"?
- Yeah, yeah, what is that?
Guys!
This is Tommy's last night
of freedom!
- Come on!
- What's "bup-bup-bup-bup", though?
You know...
Bup-bup-bup-bup.
Okay, okay, okay, when you say
"bup-bup-bup-bup",
- are we... what are we... are we all...
- Linked up!
Yeah! Baby elephant walk.
Whoo!
Okay, okay, okay, um...
Are you saying
that we would all
be [bleep]ing each other?
You don't understand
what I'm sayi...
Oh, dude! Okay. Look.
Here it is, okay?
- You're [bleep]ing the girl, right?
- Right.
Yeah.
Then, we bup-bup-bup-bup!
That's it! Right there! Right there!
Yeah, what the [bleep]?
I'm not doing that.
You guys!
Tommy's about to walk
the plank of marriage, all right?
This is our last chance.
Last chance for what?
I'm not gonna [bleep] a guy.
No! Dude, we'd all
be [bleep]ing the girl.
- Oh, okay!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Together,
bup-bup-bup,bup.
- No!
- No!
See, but right there, Trey.
That's the weird part!
- The "bup-bup-bup-bup".
- Okay, I get it. I get it.
You don't want to be disrespectful
to women. I get that.
- That's not really the issue.
- Okay, forget the girl.
Armenian conveyer belt: just the groom
and his groomsmen, bup-bup-bup-bup.
- No!
- No!
You kept the part that noboby wants!
The bup-bup-bup-bup!
Yeah, I definitely don't want
to have sex with any of you guys!
- Yeah, you're killing my buzz.
- Guys! What the [bleep], man!
This is supposed to be Tommy's last
big celebration. No judgment.
Judgment is not what is keeping us
from [bleep]ing each other!
Jeez! Forget it, Trey!
No! I'm saying, guys,
if you listen to my words,
Tommy's in here [bleep]ing
the stripper. We're in the other room.
- Bup-bup-bup-bup.
- No!
No "bup-bup-bup-bup"!
Nobody wants the "bup-bup-bup-bup"!
You're here [bleep]ing the stripper,
the rest of us are just
- jiggy-jiggy-jiggy-jiggy...
- No!
- Aah! No!
- No!
Oh, my God!
You guys are so gay!
How do you think you would fare
if you went into the penal system?
The penile system?
I think if I went through
the penile system,
I think the penile system
would go through me.
Lewis Lawrence is beginning
his life sentence.
In order to survive,
he must join a gang.
(Lewis) Do you understand?
I know how it work, right?
When you're in prison,
what you need is protection, right?
And the way to do that
is by getting into a gang.
I was surprised to find out that
there is a bald gang in prison.
They're gonna be my homies.
Talking about some B.B.W.W.
"Bald brothers, what-what?"
What's up, homie?
Nice haircut.
Get the [bleep] outta here.
I mean they haven't officially
asked me to be in the gang yet,
'cause you need to earn
they respect first.
Hey!
You're in the wrong neighborhood,
you black mother[bleep]er.
Aah!
Step off my homies, mother[bleep]er,
or I'll [bleep] you up!
What's up! What's up!
You know what I'm talkin' about!
Aah! Unh! Aah!
So that was it right there, okay?
That's what they call a "jump in."
That's the initiation process.
So, it's my understanding
that I'm now a member
of the Bald Brotherhood gang,
okay?
I mean, those mother[bleep]ers
beat the [bleep] out of me.
That's a euphemism
you hear all the time.
But you don't know if it's true,
it can't be true. How is it possible?
But that mother[bleep]er, bip!
And diarrhea just went "Pssh"!,
right out my ass!
So I hope... like, I hope that's,
like, lifetime dues right there.
What the...?
It's the happiest day of my life
is what I'm saying.
Despite the lack
of encouragement,
Lewis continues to try and ingratiate
himself to the gang.
What? This long-haired bitch?
Yeah! That's what I'm talking
about, hero!
Trying to creep up on
my bald brothers, bitch!
I oughta kick you again.
What? What?
Aah! Oh! Aah!
Hey, you all right, man? You all right?
Come on, get up, get up.
We got you, son. We got you, son.
What? Man, get your hands off me,
you hair-having mother[bleep]er!
Aah! Aah! Man, get down there.
Unh! Unh!
- Aah! Aah!
- Whoa! Unh!
I mean, I think
I accidentally got hit
by some of my bald brothers.
Guards!
That's right!
Bald brotherhood forever, man!
'sup!
But you know,
that's prison, man.
I mean, you don't never know
what side it's coming from.
Lewis has yet to make
any alliances.
Meanwhile, an unprecedented
peace has been brokered
between black and white
prison gangs.
The once unsurmountable
racial divide
now bridged
by a mutual hatred...
for Lewis.
Dude!
Hey, you going to Ray's party?
Yeah, I'm going.
- You know Amy's gonna be there.
- Yeah, I know.
Things have been real good with her,
man. Tonight could be the night.
- Could be.
- Dude, are you okay?
Not really, dude.
What's wrong? You get the hottest
girl at a party with no parents.
You're definitely gonna hit
that for sure tonight, man.
- You're gonna lose that V. for good.
- My penis is white.
- Excuse me?
- I have a white penis.
What? But you're black.
Nuh-uh. I'm bi-racial.
All the white went straight
to my penis.
That... what... what...
you mean, like, the color?
- Oh...
- Yeah.
But wait, dude...
I mean...
- how bad could it be?
- It's bad.
- How bad?
- It's like a Snickers.
- Regular or fun size?
- Which one do you get at Halloween?
- Fun size.
- That's the one.
- [bleep]
- I know.
What am I gonna do?
I mean, I...
How am I gonna hit it with Amy
with my little white penis.
Everyone's gonna find out and
I'm never gonna hear the end of it.
Dude, dude, dude. Amy's white.
She's not gonna care.
- Really?
- Yeah. She's white.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I guess you're right. She's probably
not even gonna know the difference.
Nah, man. White girl, white penis.
You're all good.
Hey, there he is.
How'd it go last night?
- Don't wanna talk about it.
- Well, what happened?
Black vagina.
Happy?
I just gotta get this off...
My girl, right here,
Your mouth was agape
after "black vagina".
She was just like...
It's just, like... I've only seen...
In my whole life, I've only seen
Macaulay Culkin do that.
In my whole life.
Serious, she was, like,
it was crazy.
- All right, let's get outta here.
- Let's get outta here.
You and I go to the bar,
couple of friends. And then, maybe...
- Bup-bup.
- Let's just bup-bup-bup-bup.
Yeah.
Good night, everybody.
♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪
Oh, yeah.