Key and Peele (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript

(soul music)
(springs bouncing)

(breathing heavily)

(snaps fingers)
Bro.

What?

Yeah.
[bleep] yeah, bro.

- How awesome is this?
- It's cool.

[bleep] yeah, it is.

Hit it. Hit it. Hit it. Hit it.
Yeah.

Dude... Synchronize.
Synchronize.

Yeah, there it is.
Now we're doing it.

Now we're doing it.
Now we're doing it.



♪ Doing it with my bro
Doing it with my bro ♪

♪ I love every second
Of doing it with my bro ♪

- It's... It's pretty awesome.
- Can you believe it?

Can you just...?

Yo. Yo. Right there, man.
Just give me five, man.

(sighs)
Give me five, bro.

Come on, that's [bleep] pussy[bleep].
Come on.

(sighs)
Come on.

- Oh, you're with me now.
- You know...

- You are with me now.
- That's disturbing.

Keep 'em locked.
Keep 'em locked.

- Mm-mm.
- Give it back

Get your...
Get...

Aah!
Oh! (groans)



Dude ! How we gonna break
the world record

if you can't keep it up?

(soul music)

(cheers and applause)

Lock it.

Keep it locked.
Keep it locked.

(laughs)

- Ew! Shame on you!
- Shame on you!

- Shame on all of you!
- Shame on you!

(laughs)

Thanks and welcome to the show
I am Keegan-Michael Key.

- I am Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.

So thank you for coming.
(cheers and applause)

I see race in just about...
in everything.

- Mm-hm.
- Like, I just... I just do that.

Like, if somebody asks,
"You want cream in your coffee?" "Why?"

- Yeah. Yeah.
- "Why, mother[bleep]? Why would I?"

You ever have a white dude
come up to you talking about,

"Hey, man, dude, I know.

"King Kong?
That [bleep] is racist."

- Have you had this?
- I've had that.

Dude, I was like, "What?
Is it racist? I don't even think..."

He's like, "Think about it, man.
It's a bunch of white dudes

that go to an island,
all these aborigines..."

- I'm like, "Okay."
- All right, I'm with you so far, yeah.

"Then a big black gorilla comes

"and starts [bleep] around
with white girls in New York."

"Whoa! What the [bleep]?

"That's your [bleep], man!
What?

"You're racist, bitch!
What the..."

Hey, all I know is it's good
having another brother

- move into the neighborhood.
- Hey man, it's good to have you over.

And I think that
you will dig this.

All right!

- Hey!
- Huh?

- Nice guitar collection.
- Oh, thanks, man.

- Hey, you wanna hear something?
- Yeah, sure.

All right, all right. All right,
let's get this started.

Let's get this started.
(playing guitar)

♪ Well, I'm just a good
old American boy ♪

♪ With a heart
that's red, white, and true ♪

♪ I'm dreamin' of a girl
with the red hair and freckles ♪

♪ And her eyes like
the skies of blue ♪

- Country music.
- Yeah, I grew up in Texas.

- You know, so...
- All right.

♪ Keep her safe from the homies
in the wrong side of town ♪

♪ 'cause that's the American way ♪

- Woo-hoo! (laughs)
- Whoas.

Pretty racist song.
(both laugh)

Racist?
Against who?

- Black people.
- Black people? But I'm black. (laughs)

Well, "keeping the redheaded girl
away from the homies

- "on the wrong side of town"?
- Homies?

Come on, brother.
There's all kinds of homies.

You know, white homies,
Asian homies...

No, homies are black.

No, I think you're making them black.
I think that's your stuff.

You hear the twang, and then
you assume that it's racist.

But that's just what
country music is like.

Hey, look, you're gonna love
this one. You'll like this one.

All right.

(playing guitar)

♪ Some folks wear their hats
way off to the side ♪

♪ With their pants down low
and a gun tucked inside ♪

♪ Take their beer by the 40
and their chicken deep-fried ♪

♪ I think we all know
who we're talking about ♪

♪ The only dark I like
is when I turn off the lights ♪

♪ The only hood I love
is pointy and white ♪

♪ Can't trust you if I can't
see your face at night ♪

♪ I think we all know
who we're talking about ♪

All right, wait. Hey!
Stop that. That's racist.

What's what?
What is racist about it?

"The only hood I love
is pointy and white"?

- Yeah, man.
- That's talking about the Klan, man.

The Ku Klux Klan?
Are you outside of your mind?

That's traditional
country music imagery, man.

Like a pick-up truck,
or sleeping under the stars,

or your dog got killed,
or your wife left you. Same thing!

I would have been fine
with any of those things.

What is the difference between
those things and what is in the song?

They're not racial.

Hey, you know what? Can I just say
something, man. I'm just gonna be frank.

You're getting a little, like,
Al Sharpton, like...

- Oh, my...
- Farrakhan on me right now.

Oh, my God.
Are you serious?

Yo, dude, dude, please.
Hey, can I do one more?

Let me just do one more, dog.

I absolutely promise you
that this song

is not racist,

and it's impossible for you
to misinterpret it as such.

Okay, it seems like you're about
to sing the most racist song so far.

I'm not.

♪ Hidey-lidey-lidey-lidey-lee ♪

♪ Get me a rope
and find me a tree ♪

Okay, I'm out.

Come on, man. Hey!
Shoot.

I'm over here trying
to sing about a tire swing.

Gonna write off
an entire genre of music.

(playing guitar)

♪ The banjos are strumming,
and the drums are a-bangin' ♪

♪ Let's get the boys together
and have ourselves a hangin' ♪

Oh, damn.

Now I see it.
Now I see it.

(Hail to the Chief plays)

Good evening,
my fellow Americans.

With me, as always,
is my anger translator, Luther.

- Hi.
- Now, after the last debate,

I was criticized for...
not showing enough emotion.

I should've been on that stage!
Oh, my God! Mitt!

If I was a Siberian tiger,
your ass would've been Roy!

Str-r-aight up!

I was faulted for a lack of

"pithy retorts"
or "zingers."

But we can do better than that.

Witty responses are not going
to resolve this nation's deficit.

How you gonna fire
Sesame Street?

One of these mother[bleep]
already lives in a trash can! Zing!

And a one-liner
is not going to solve

the problems we have
with our tax code,

which my opponent seems to have
entirely changed his position on.

This mother[bleep]
gets more reboots than Spider-Man!

And boom, goes the dynamite.

I look forward to a debate
based on substance,

- not on zingers.
- I got a Mormon zinger!

"Take my wives, please!"

Ooh-ho-ho, [bleep]!
I said "wives."

Thank you,
and good night.

This message brought to you
by the letter "Suck my"

and the number "[bleep]."

(Both) Ohh!

(laughs)
Snap, America.

Snap, indeed.

All right, he knows I won't get dogs
because it's basically like, it's like

- buying a new grandparent.
- Mm-hm.

You know, you have to... you gotta
feed them, you gotta take 'em on walks.

They will look at you in the eyes
while they're pooping.

- I'm with you.
- They drool, you know.

[bleep] forgetful as [bleep].

All my dogs are shelter dogs
because purebread dogs

are stupid.

Yeah?

When you mix them, you get a thing
that's commonly known as hybrid vigor.

And what happens is
all the best qualities of both dogs

go into the one dog.
Much like interracial people.

(hisses, cheers and applause)

(rapping)
Representing hybrid vigor.

(laughs)

That should be our rap group
right there.

We should be "Hybrid Vigor."

(rapping) Hybrid vigor
from a couple of hybrid [bleep].

(laughs)
Let's get hard.

- Hey, babe.
- Hi.

Um, I made a really big decision
without consulting you.

I went by a puppy rescue stand

on University Avenue.

I had to. I had to.

- You got us a dog?
- Yeah, I did.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

So, honey, I've gotta
tell you something, okay?

These rescue dogs have had
some tough situations.

- Oh.
- And a lot of them take on

the personality of their owners.

was owned by rapper Ice-T.

- All right, little buddy, come on out.
- Aww.

(gasps)

Oh, hello,
my little darling. Oh!

Man, [bleep] you.
You, thuck my [bleep].

Thith house ain't [bleep].

Okay, buddy, take it easy.

- A little testy.
- [bleep] you, [bleep].

Nothin' ever been eathy
for me in my life.

Now, hook me up
with a treat.

- You want a treat, buddy?
- You want a treat?

Is that what you want?
Here we go, sweetie. Here we go.

Mm, yeah, that's a tathty-ass
treat right there.

- Now give me the whole bag.
- Okay, one treat is enough.

Bitch, was I talking to you?

Give me the whole bag of treats
'cause I'm a treat killer

and a mother[bleep] handful.

- Somebody's grumpy today.
- Grumpy-wumpy.

Lay my ass right up
on this comfortable-ass thofa.

(laughs) I'm gonna sleep on this bitch
too, as a matter of fact.

And you know what,
mother[bleep] and bitch?

- I'm gonna pith and [bip] up here too.
- No! Oh, no! No, no, no!

[bleep] you, man.
Raise your hand at me.

Okay, um, I've got something
for you, little guy.

Huh? Huh? You wanna play fetch? You
wanna play fetch? You like fetch, huh?

- Get that ball.
- [bleep] you!

Both y'all condescending
mother[bleep]

I ain't your entertainment, bitch.
So [bleep] you!

(bell ringing)

- Oh!
- Get the door, okay?

Well, hello. Who is this?

Come on, Coco, don't worry
about these mother[bleep].

That'th my bitch Coco.

Oh, I forgot to tell y'all,
she's gonna be living here too.

Wow, okay, you got
your little friend here.

- Yeah...
- Yeah, well you can...

She can play here
for a while, sure.

- Puppy play date.
- Yeah.

Play date?
We gonna have a [bleep] date.

That's what we gonna have,
bitch.

Come here, bitch.
(sniffing)

- Oh, are you...
- That's right

(licking sounds)
Oh, no, don't do that.

- Yeah, that's my shih tzu.
- Oh, dear.

Get the [bleep] out of here. It's about
to get graphic in this bitch!

- Oh boy. (licking sounds)
- How come you don't do that with me?

- Honey, I told you.
- He does it.

I just want to keep
this area clean.

(electronic music)

(Voice heavily processed)
♪ Baby, baby ♪

♪ it looks like
we're back together ♪

♪ And it's like
nothing had ever ♪

♪ Torn us apart ♪

♪ Honey, honey ♪

♪ We'll let bygones
be bygones ♪

♪ Gonna have a fresh start ♪

♪ So tonight I'm gonna hit that ♪

♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit that
hit that ♪

♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit that
hit that hit that♪

♪ And don't try to fight back ♪

♪ Your feelings ♪

♪ Sugar, sugar ♪

♪ Just get into my car ♪

♪ And I'll take you so far ♪

♪ From where anyone can see ♪

♪ Lover, lover ♪

♪ Let's just walk
and take it slow ♪

♪ In crowded places
so they'll know ♪

♪ That you're back with me ♪

♪ So tonight I'm gonna hit that ♪

♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit that
hit that ♪

♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit ♪

(buzzing, screaming)

I'm sorry.
It was an involutory reaction.

(buzzing)

We grew up in this area where...

Okay, there was blaxploitation
in the '70s,

and then when I was growing up
it got into this zone where,

like, all of a sudden, the black guy
wasn't the cool guy

- in the action movie anymore.
- Oh right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All of a sudden it was, like,
Mel Gibson was the [bleep] cool one.

Right.

And Danny Glover had
to be like, you know...

The fuddy-duddy family man,
like "Get away from my daughter."

- Right.
- You know what I mean?

Do you remember that Lethal Weapon?

My man Mel Gibson
would come in on Danny Glover

and my man would be standing
in the middle of the bathroom

just embarrassing
all black people.

(grunting)

That's right.

(imitating Mel Gibson)
Rodge, Rodge, what's going on?

(imitating Danny Glover)
Stay there. Stay there.

Okay, I'm not coming in, Rodge.
What's going on?

Riggs, there's a bomb

on my [bleep].

Gmail is what I'm on now.
That's the uh...

Okay, you get the most space
for attachments.

- Anyway.
- Thank you.

Feel free to hit me up
if you remember that number

I noticed you ain't
write that down.

Damn, damn, damn.
That girl was fly, right?

(scoffs)
She all right.

But did you see that Liam Neesons
movie with them wolves, though?

The one with them big-assed
wolves and Liam Neesons in it?

Man, Liam Neesons is my [bleep]!

Oh, Liam Neesons straight
jacked up them wolves, man.

Man, he [bleep]
them wolves up, man.

- Yeah.
- Shoot, man.

Hey, and don't get even get me
started on that one

where they took his daughter.

Straight Tooken,
starring Liam Neesons!

Man, Liam Neesons on the phone like,
"I have a certain set of skills."

Man, don't [bleep]
with Liam Neesons!

No, don't even try and be Russian
around Liam Neesons.

- He'll take your arm and... (screams)
- Put some fractures in it.

They killing him, man.
And then...

Oh, you see
the second one, though?

In the second one,
the Russians come after him.

And he [bleeps] them all up anyway.

Tooken 2, starring
the incomparable Liam Neesons.

- Mm-hm.
- That's my [bleep].

- What about Darkman, though?
- No, uh.

What about Liam Neesons
in some Darkman, though?

- No, man. [bleep].
- What about Darkman?

When Liam Neesons' face
was changing up, man?

Homie was straight face-changing.

Now that's just Liam Neesons
acting right there, man.

Straight up, I kid you not.
Academy-Award caliber. Classic Neesons.

Man, come on, seriously. I mean, like,
Neesons already need to have a statue.

- Liam Neesons ain't got no...
- He ain't got no statue...

He ain't got a statue.
He ain't got a statue.

No, no, no.

The Oscar goes to
Liam Neesons, Darkman.

- [bleep] face was changing.
- Mm-hm. Word!

- How hard is that.
- It ain't hard. It's not hard at all.

- Damn!
- It's stupid, man.

Oh, oh! Battleship.

Oooh!

Bat-tle-ship.

Oooh!

- Battleship!
- Oooh! Whoo!

Liam Neesons straight
killer a robot boat!

Liam Neesons is my shiz-nit!

Whoo!

But do you know who I like
as much as Neesons, though?

(scoffs) As much as Neesons?
Who?

Bruce Willy.

(screams)

(screaming continues)

Bruce Willy is my [bleep]!

But what if they made a movie
with Liam Neesons and Bruce Willy?

(grunting)

- Neesons and Willy?
- Willy and Neesons.

Harder, man. Harder!
(grunting)

(choking)
That would be...

(both) My sheeeeeeeee

(boom)

(laughter)

- I don't know why.
- Oh, man.

Why do we love
Liam Neeson so much?

Yo, you know what you gotta...
[bleep] Schindler's List, mother[bleep],

Hey man, hey man. Can I tell you
what's off the hook, though, dog?

Ethan Frome, that's
my jam right there.

You ain't gone to the movies unless
you've seen Husbands and Wives.

[bleep] Woody Allen, mother[bleep].
Woody Allen.

So, Steve Jobs.
this is like, the...

We're right aroung the
year anniversary of his death.

- Mm-hm.
- Pioneer. Technological pioneer.

- Can we agree on that?
- Yes.

Anybody lose their [bleep] iPad?
You lost it?

- I did.
- Where did you lose it?

Oakland, California.

- Oh, in Oakland.
- In Oakland. Okay.

Oh, so you're never getting it
back then. (laughter)

That's out of the question.

My friend, you didn't lose it.
Your ass got jacked, my friend.

That's right.

Mr. Cook, you're almost up.
Are you ready?

- Good. I'm good.
- Okay.

Really gonna need you
to stick to the script on this one.

I'm the C.E.O. of Apple, Willis.
I'm not gonna do anything stupid.

Please stop comparing me
to Steve Jobs!

No, but nobody's comparing you
to Steve Jobs, okay?

We just want you
to focus on the products.

And please stick to the script.
Okay.

You're on in three...

They're gonna forget they ever heard
the name "Steve Jobs".

What up, Apple people?
(cheers and applause)

Yeah!

Yeah!

Well, now, the first thing
that I'm gonna do

is T.O.T.S.

"Throw Out
The Script."

(cheers and applause)

Now, I'm supposed
to come out here

and tell you about
some bull[bleep] new iPhone,

pad, dick, pussy [bleep]!

You've seen it!
(stammering)

Boring!

(clattering, applause)

Yes!
That's exactly it.

Now, let's just say
this table right here...

Let's say it's Bill Gates, huh?!

(shouts, audience cheers)

Yeah!

(yelping)

(laughs)

That's what I'm talking about.

And let's say
that this

is our competitor's
new smartphone.

(audience boos)

How about that?
Huh? What?

(laughs)

(robot voice)
I am a major donkey dick.

Whoo! Right?

- And let's say that this right here...
- Hey!

this is one of our competitor's

new e-book reader, huh?

What about that?
What? Uh-oh.

Tut-tut.
Wook's wike wain!

Haaaa!

(cheers and applause)

Whoo! Whoo!

Yeah!

All right!

Yes!

Who wants to see some of that
classified next-level [bleep]? Huh?

Did Steve ever show you
that classified [bleep]?

No, he didn't.

You can't do that.
They haven't been tested yet.

This device will allow you
to teleport anywhere

on the planet.
Check this out!

I am the Future!

(beeps, buzzes)

(screams, gasps)

(screams)

Whoo!

Let's see Steve Jobs do that!

(laughs)

(cheers and applause)

- Good night, everybody.
- Good night.

♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah!