Kevin Can Wait (2016-2018): Season 1, Episode 8 - Who's Better Than Us? - full transcript

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So, how's your gig going
down at the retirement home?

Oh, it's crazy.

This one old guy thinks
I'm his son-in-law.

The other day, he took a swing at me.

Missed me by like six feet,
fell into another guy.

They shattered like
a bag of light bulbs.

Yeah, my mom's getting fragile, too.

I think this is gonna be the last winter

I let her shovel the driveway.

Well, I should get going.

Didi's got me volunteering
at a soup kitchen.



They make me wear a hairnet.

A hairnet.

Oh, by... by the way, guys, I got this.

- Don't worry about it.
- Can't help you.

I'm into a couple of Girl
Scouts for a lot of cookies.

All right.

Jimmy?

- Hey!
- Hey!

How are you, buddy?! Good to see you!

What?

I haven't seen you
since you retired, man.

You look amazing. Look at you.

Get out of here. What
have you been up to?

Uh, you know, this and that.



Don't be modest.

I see the Soaring Eagle Security shirt.

You're the guys who took down bin Laden,
right?

All right.

I know. No, no, I get it.
You can't talk about it.

You're very funny, but you know what?

I only got to work one day a week.

So while you're out
patrolling the streets,

now I'm sitting home in front of the TV

interrogating a bag of Fritos.

Oh. Ooh, that sounds good.

Without pants.

Sounds good with a side of weird.

Yeah.

We had some good times, didn't we?

It was great, man. 10 years together.

That squad car's got to feel a
little lonely without me, huh?

Yeah, well, you know, I get by.

Yo, Jimmy, let's roll, man.

Hey, this is my new
partner, Nicky Dawson.

Nick, this is my old
partner, Kevin Gable.

I'll go get the food.

I'm the guy.

Now you got a face to go with
all the stories and stuff, so...

Stories?

Christmas Eve,
all the motorcycles on the roof?

That was me.

No.

How about breaking up
the burglary at, uh...

At Galaxy Bagels?

No.

Me chasing that crazy
deer through the mall?

It was epic. Are you kidding me?

That sounds awesome, but no.

It was awesome.

But he didn't tell
you anything about me?

What,
is this your first day working with him?

No, uh, it's been a few months now,

Uh, since the last guy retired.

Yeah, that's me.
That's the guy he's talking about.

Oh, wait a sec. I know who you are.

You're the guy who shot
2-under at Fox Creek.

That was Rodriguez.

Oh.

He sounds awesome.

Hey, babe.

Hey, how was your day?

It was all right.

I, uh... I ran into
Jimmy Landers at Enzo's.

Oh, I love Jimmy. How's Jimmy?

Ooh.

Um, he's good, you know.

He, uh, got a new partner.

A rookie.

Oh, yikes. That's got
to be rough for him.

You'd think, yeah.

But, uh... seems to be working
it out, though, you know?

- Let me ask you a question.
- Okay.

You remember Teddy O'Boyle?

Yeah, he was your first partner.

Exactly.

Okay, that was 20 years ago.

I-I was with the guy
for less than a year,

and you know about him.

Well, yeah,
but he was up on corruption charges,

so he was in the news a lot.

That's not the point.
Okay, I told you about Teddy.

Jimmy never mentions me.

This new guy, he already took
him to his dad's country club

and got him his own locker.

I had to change my shorts
in the parking lot.

Oh, I've seen that.
That's a rough 90 seconds.

Um...

well, so, I mean, are you jealous?

I'm not jealous.
Guys don't get jealous of other guys.

- Oh.
- You know, we're not emotional.

It's just I don't know
why he would do this.

I just...

Okay. Well, since we've
ruled out jealousy,

um, what is it?

It's just weird, you know?

I mean, I was with the guy all the time.

You know, we talked about everything.

It's the most important
relationship of my life.

- And...
- Hmm.

Except for you.
I knew it as I was saying it.

Okay.

Well, can I offer you
some advice, you know,

as your second-most-important?

Okay, see, that right there...
That's why he's number 1.

It's that attitude.

Look, babe, I know it hurts.

But it's probably just out of sight,
out of mind.

You know, you got to
get back on his radar.

You should call him.

I was just with him this afternoon.

I can't call him now.
It's gonna look desperate.

Well, then you should do the thing

where you pretend to call someone else,

but you wind up calling
him "by mistake."

That actually could work. Okay, uh...

You know what?
I will just pretend to call Duffy.

- Okay.
- That's what I'll do

and, uh... here we go.

Hey, Duff. What...

Uh, never mind.

I actually called Duffy.

Hey, Duff, it's Kev.

I think you dialed the
wrong number, buddy.

It's... It's Jimmy.

Oh, man, my bad.

My stupid fingers all over the phone.

Uh, anyway, uh,
it was great seeing you today.

Great seeing you, too.

Listen, we're about
to raid a crack house.

So, uh, I might have
to jump in a second.

Oh... Oh, okay, ju... Real quick.

I was just wondering if you wanted

to get something on the books for,
like, tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds good.

Uh, what do you got in mind?

Uh, you know, something
fun like, you know,

just ch... chopping down a
tree or something, you know?

Uh, are we gonna go
log rolling after that?

What are you talking about?

Petting... Or petting cages.

We can go to p... Batting cages.

We can go to batting cages.

Okay, yeah.

Anyways, I better go.

Okay, man, I'll... I'll, uh...
I'll just see you tomorrow.

Okay, sounds good, bro.

Nick, come on! Save
some crackheads for me!

Who taught you to hold a bat?

What is this? Hands together!

Oh, okay, well, I guess never learned.

I must have been too busy
at the petting cages.

Okay, I am not a pro,
but I think you got

to swing the bat in
order to hit the ball.

Just getting my timing down, guy.

Okay.

All right, I just saw the problem.

I can solve this.

You... You just suck.

All right, big shot.
Let's see what you got.

All right, you want me to go?

I'll go.

You know who would love this? Nick.

Yeah, but you know what
it is with big guys.

Honestly,
it's the hand-and-eye coordination.

They don't usually have that.

Actually, he's not here because he's at

a children's hospital right now.

He's entertaining the kids with this...

This superhero character he does...

Police Man.

Police Man?

How long it take him to
come up with that one?

Yeah, one of the sick
kids named him that.

It's actually pretty good.
I mean, it gets to the point.

It's good.

By the way, nice gloves.
Where'd you get those?

Actually, uh, Nicky boy got them for me.

Talk about buying a friend.

Wow. Is somebody a little threatened

by the new man in my life?

No, I just got a weird
vibe about this guy.

Hey, I was thinking...
I'm doing a charity event

where I have to give a speech about

people in your life that inspire you.

I would love for you to be there.

Really? I mean, yeah.
I... I think I can go.

I need you to be there.

Yeah, I'm there.

Hey! You guys are still here.

Big boy!

You guys mind if I get a couple swings?

Hit it, baby.

Need some, uh... Need
some batting gloves?

Uh, no, I'm good.

Yeah, it's pretty self-evident that

the, uh,
kid's got some hand-eye coordination.

Yeah, he's okay, but,
uh, I got to tell you...

Okay, that one went through
the cage right there.

So, we should be back by 10:00

unless we decide to go
out for a beer after.

Okay, well, don't worry about me.

It's your night. Have fun.

Hey, what do you think?

Um, well, you look
nice, but I think you...

I think you should untuck your shirt.

I can't untuck.

Once I tuck, I-I'm tucked, that's it.

I untuck now, it'll be smooth up top,

and the bottom will look
like a Japanese fan.

Then you're tucked.

- Okay.
- Uh, no, you look fine.

I don't want fine, okay?

It's like...
Look, you don't even know me, right?

You're out with your girlfriends,

and you just see me, and I'm,
like, across the room.

- I'm like, "What's up?"
- Okay.

What are you thinking?
Just what comes to mind?

Uh, well, I'm wondering why your
thumbs are in your belt loop,

and then I wonder why
me and my girlfriends

are at a truck stop.

Different scenario.

No, you...
you're out at the club, all right?

And I walk across the
dance floor, right?

Music's thumping, and I'm just like,

"Hey, what's up, girl?"

And you just see me from
behind all dressed in purple,

- and he just gives you one of those.
- Oh.

What happens then?

Quick... what comes to your mind?

Um, uh, retired plumber going
for dinner on a cruise ship.

No. Boy!

I don't know what you want me to say.

Look, I'm just thinking,
I don't know, more like, uh,

ex-athlete who blew out his knee and,
you know,

still has some muscle through
the shirt you can kind of see,

like, "Whoa, look at the ripples."

- Oh, okay. Yeah.
- Right?

No, yeah, I could see that.

I mean, and then...
Oh, and maybe you, uh,

tried out once for a
semi-pro football team.

Yes, that's perfect. Keep going.

But your knee never healed right,

and then you packed on a few,
and now you drive a limo.

You just like to dig, don't you?

I'm sorry. You look nice.

You do, but you should put on a jacket.

Jacket? Why?

Yeah, well, you said Jimmy
was doing a speech, right,

about people who inspire him.

What if he calls you up? Huh?

You know, you might be right.

Yeah.

He did say he needs me there.

Needs you.

Wow. All right, quick impression...

- What do you see when you see me?
- Okay.

- Right now, go, boom.
- Uh, small-town minister.

I love you so much.

Hey, Father Philip.

Sorry I'm late. Parking was crazy.

They got me way down by the Wendy's.

Tucked in, huh?

Yes. Is that... Is that all right?

- Good look or...
- No, it's fine.

It's just...
You know, it's surprising considering

when you came to midnight
mass with your Jets jersey.

Hey.

"Have you met Jimmy Lander" new partner?

What a great guy?

Mm, he's okay.

Okay?

He donated an altar rail to the church.

Built it himself out
of Spanish driftwood.

All right, everybody,
thank you so much for coming out.

So, what is a hero?

Hey, Father Philip, when I go up there,

is that second microphone
already on or...

Actually, I... I think
I'm going up, so...

Well, he asked me to be here.

He actually said he needed
me to be here, so...

Oh. Oh, that's cool.

Maybe he's gonna ask
both of us to go up.

Yeah, maybe. Or just me, either way.

And that's what I'm here to talk about.

Heroes.

Look at me... I'm tearing up.

I said I wasn't gonna do that.

And... And here I am.

I know a lot about heroes

because I've been fortunate enough

to have one ride right next to me.

Do me a favor. Just, uh, hold my stuff.

I don't want my pockets looking
bulky when I'm up there, okay?

Mm. Warm lip balm.

So please help me welcome

a man who knows the
true meaning of loyalty.

This is it.

An incredible human being.

Wow.

A fine-looking gentleman.

Oh, thank you.

An amazing, amazing partner.

- Give it up for the one...
- Yeah.

- And only...
- Here we go.

Nick Dawson.

Uh, y-you go first. I just...
I'll come up in a second.

You want your stuff?

No, no, no, Father, I'm... I'm going up.

Just he's bringing him first.

Hey, I don't think so.

This is kind of their moment.

And that's a good thing
'cause humility...

Father, excuse me.
I'm sorry. I... I just can't hear him.

It's the middle of the night.

We're on this call. Is it dangerous?

Of course it's dangerous.
You're terrified.

It's your life you're thinking about!

But you got backup knowing
this man is next to you.

You understand me?

The only thing running
through my mind...

How do I get you back to your family?

Did you hear this boy?!

Hey, that was nice.

Sorry. It just, uh,
felt a little written to me.

That's all I'm saying.

I'm just kind of more of an
off-the-cuff type of guy.

But, uh, I would just like
to say first off, everybody,

hello, and what a great
turnout here at St. Rocco's.

This is my ex-partner, Kevin Gable.

Yeah, of, uh, 10 years,
we road together, right?

I mean, you guys have
been riding together,

what, three months now?

How do you... How do you know?

Yeah, thanks, Kevin,
for coming and squeezing me in

in between go-kart rides.

That was very, very cool of you.

So, you're not a cop anymore?

No, no, no, no.

I am, uh...
Once you're a cop, you're always a cop.

I'm just retired. That's all.

Then why'd you tuck in?

It's not the best look for you.

Uh, I really don't think
this is about wardrobe.

It's more about being a hero.
That's what it's... Okay?

Can you arrest people?

Technically, no.

Uh, I certainly have had my
share of arrests in the day.

Um, right? I actually arrested
one lady not too far from here.

She was a, uh... Boy, how do I
say this without sounding judgy?

She was a prostitute.

She was. She was, uh...

She was a lady of the
night. It's out there.

But, uh, and not
top-shelf, either, right?

She was not, I mean...

Looked a lot like Larry Bird.

Oh, boy.

Hey.

How'd it go?

I think total humiliation sums it up.

How'd the tuck-in go?

I don't know how great
this new partner is.

He sounds pretty great, but...

that doesn't mean that you're not, too.

You know, and if Jimmy doesn't see that,
then that is his loss.

You always know what to say.

That's...
Right there, that's why I love you.

That's why I married you.

You're the most important
relationship in my life.

Aww.

It just doesn't make sense.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, babe.

Listen, you'll feel
better in the morning.

But how about I go upstairs and draw us

a nice, hot bath right now?

All right, I'll be up in a minute,
all right?

- Okay. I love you.
- I love you.

Man, buddy, that was tough to watch.

And I once saw a guy get
impaled on a picket fence.

What are you doing here?

Uh, Father Philip wanted
me to return this to you.

He also wanted me to tell
you he used the lip balm,

so maybe you should scissor off the top.

Yeah.

You gonna let me in?

Why'd you invite me there tonight, huh?

You just wanted me to
look like an idiot?

Well, you pretty much
did that on your own.

But, uh,
I guess it was a little bit of payback.

Payback? For what?

For what?

You retired. You never call me.

You're running around
with the guys having fun.

Well, you're having fun, too, right?

You're out there with your partner,
Mr. Perfect.

You can do plenty of
stuff that guy can't.

Really?

No, he can pretty much do everything.

I mean, honestly, most calls

I don't even get out
of the squad car now.

I'm like, "You got this one?"
He's like, "Yep."

I'm like, "All right,
I'll fill out the paperwork."

So, all the stories about him are true?

I mean, he really saved those
puppies from that burning cab?

Yeah, seven of them.

He took them home, and he trained them.

Four of them are guide dogs now.

One of them's an actor and just
did a movie with Judi Dench.

I saw the trailer. He
was incredible in it.

He's better than me at everything.

No. He's better than me at everything!

It used to drive me crazy,
but you know what?

I figured out something
we're both better at.

What's that?

Okay, picture this.

It's late at night.

We're driving on the
mean streets of Syosset.

A song comes on the radio.

And I turn it up.

- There it is.
- Right?

Uh-huh.

And we both know what's about to happen.

Oh, yeah.

I don't even have to look at you

because I know you're gonna be there.

You're right there.

♪ You don't bring me flowers ♪

♪ You don't sing me love songs ♪

♪ You hardly talk to me anymore ♪

♪ When I come through the
door at the end of the day ♪

♪ I remember when ♪

♪ You couldn't wait to love me ♪

♪ Used to hate to leave me ♪

♪ Now after lovin'
me late at night ♪

♪ When it's good for you, baby ♪

♪ And you're feeling all right ♪

♪ Well, you just roll over ♪

♪ And turn out the light ♪

♪ You don't bring
me flowers anymore ♪

♪ It used to be so natural ♪

♪ Used to be ♪

♪ To talk about forever ♪

♪ Mm-mm-mm ♪

♪ But "used to be's"
don't count anymore ♪

♪ They just lay on the floor
till we sweep them away ♪

♪ You don't bring me flowers ♪

♪ You don't say you need me ♪

♪ You don't sing me love songs ♪

♪ Anymore ♪

That was amazing!

When you went low, I took it up high.

I can't believe it.

- We have to record the
- Yes.

Next time we do this.

Without a doubt.
We should get clothes, though.

We got to look a little bit better.

- Yes, yes.
- You know what I'm saying?

Coordinating outfits.

I'm telling you, we're
onto something here.

Do you understand the happiness
we just brought to these people?

- I think we should do this.
- ♪ Nessun dorma ♪

♪ Nessun dorma ♪

♪ Dilegua, o notte ♪

♪ Tramontate, stelle ♪

♪ Tramontate, stelle ♪

♪ All'alba vincero' ♪

♪ Vincero' ♪

♪ Vincero' ♪

Oh, man, he is good.

His performance... You just buy into it.

Yep.

It's like he's not even acting.

Yep.

I mean, the fact that he's
working with Judi Dench

doesn't hurt, either.

You hear that? Right on cue.

Yeah.

By the way, how sick are these?

Incredible.
You don't even have to chew them.

They just, like, melt in your mouth.

Right. Like, in each bite,

you get a little bit of sweet,
you get a little bit of hot.

- Mm-hmm.
- These things are amazing.

The best.

How are the wings, boys?

Eh, they're all right.

I've had better.

Yeah. Thank you.