Kevin Can Wait (2016-2018): Season 1, Episode 7 - Hallow-We-Ain't-Home - full transcript

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Oh, you're, uh...

having the last slice of pie, huh?

Yes, I had a hankering
for a midnight snack.

Yeah, me too. Uh...

I guess I'll just have an apple.

That's nature's dessert right there.

So you're up late, huh?

Yes, uh, just working on my app,

had a couple of glitches.

Sometimes it's overwhelming.

I mean, you're creating your own app.



And you're marrying my daughter.

You got a lot going on.

I-I'm amazed at how you balance it all,

how you do that, you know?

It's really nice to hear you say that.

I... Sometimes I feel
like I'm on an island.

Actually, you are. It's Long Island.

But you said something about a-a glitch

or something like that?

Oh, yes, well, uh,
what I'm working with here is, uh...

It's a new technology,
but with any program, okay,

once you fix one set of code,
it triggers another problem...

- Mm-hmm.
- And another problem and another.

It's like dominoes.



- Oh, yeah, perfect analogy, Mr. Gable.
- Yeah. Right.

But the good part is
that once I'm done...

Right.

I am ready to beta test.

Wow.

Now, what's all that about?

Oh, well, I can show you that.

Uh, you see,
there is a small control group, okay,

and they will have
access to your product.

And you can see what
aspects are working,

what parts need to be improved,

and then that's...
That's all you have there.

That is ama... I mean, it's...

Oh, yeah. If... If you ever want,

please, come by the garage tomorrow.

- I can... I can show you.
- I would love t...

I go to check
'cause I got a thing with the thing,

but, uh, yeah, maybe I'll do that.

- I'll look into that.
- It sounds great. All right.

- Fantastic.
- Thank you, Mr. Gable.

- You have a lovely night.
- Mm-hmm.

He ate my pie.

Mr. Gable, happy All Hallow's Eve.

Wow.

I got to say, for the first time,

I'm not in the mood for bacon.

It's a couples' costume.

A-And as your daughter comes downstairs,

everything will come into focus.

Oh, yeah. Razor sharp.

What happened?
You were supposed to be an egg.

I know. I tried it, babe.

But it made me look dumpy,

and I couldn't see through the yolk.

Wonderful.

We are the classic combination...

Bacon and princess.

Jack, Sara, let's go.

Oh, I like it. That looks good.

Hey, guys, have fun tonight, all right?

Listen to bacon and princess.
Mostly princess, all right?

Just... You know what? Ignore bacon.

Hey. Hey.

Nice hat.

The kids at school,

they thought it would be funny

if I was dressed like an ugly witch.

Well, we'll see how funny they think

their flu shots are tomorrow

when I keep missing the muscle.

Wow, you went a little dark there, hon.

I did. I'm just exhausted.

So now let's get ready to pass out candy

to the little angels. Yay.

Well, if you're talking
about the fun-sized ones

that you tried hiding from me,
I got to be honest...

I had a lot of fun finding them

and even more fun eating them.

Well,
I am not because those were the decoys.

No, the real ones are
in the piano bench.

Found them. Ate them.

Behind the piano, too?

See, this is why we have trust issues.

Is it horrible that I want
this night to be over,

and it hasn't even started?

What if it was over?

I'm sorry?

What if we didn't hand
out candy this year?

Just throwing it out there.

We can't do that.

We've played by the rules for 20 years.

We put in our time.

Who says we got to get up from the couch

every five seconds to
hand out candy to kids

not because they deserve it,
but because they rang a bell?

I mean, if you think about it,

the whole thing is
just kind of a charade.

Not “kinda.”

“Oh, I'm an astronaut”"
No, you're not.

You're little Timmy Cicero
from down the block.

You can barely ride a skateboard.

You expect me to believe you're
landing a-a lunar modular

on the moon?

Lunar modular? You
gonna stick with that?

You know what I mean.

It would be kind of nice
not to do it at all.

Then let's not.

It's time the Gables take a stand

and we show the world
we are not ashamed.

- Well, how would we do that?
- We hide.

We turn off every light,

and we send out a message that says,

"“You know what?
We are closed for business”"

Do you think that would work?

It worked for McDonald's, right?

"After midnight, you're rolling
out there, “I want a burger”"

but you can't find it
and the place is closed.

And you know how you know? Dark arches.

The arches are dark.

The saddest sight in all of fast food.

And then, what happens next?

Well, if it's you, you
punch the dashboard,

and then we drive 20 miles to
the one that's open in Queens?

Exactly!

I move on to the next one, right?

And that's what the kids will do.

They will move on to the next house

because tonight the Gables have...
dark arches.

Okay. Okay! Yeah! Let's do this.

- Look at us. We got our own thing.
-Mm-hmm.

Hallow-We-Ain't-Home!

Holla back, y'all!

Look, when we get in there,
we got to stay quiet, okay?

Well, shouldn't we just go upstairs?

No, the TV downstairs is much better.

We can't watch “Taken”
on a small screen.

It's an insult to Liam Neeson and...

he will find us.

Wait a minute.
We're watching “Taken” again?

You've seen it 10 times.

You said we could watch
“Pitch Perfect.”

That's when I thought
it was about baseball.

Once I learned it was about a
competitive a cappella group,

I wanted to run through
a wall into another wall.

Fine.

All right, come on.

Hey, remember to stay quiet

and don't go near the windows, okay?

- Okay.
- All right.

- This is kind of exciting.
- Yeah.

It's so wrong, yet so right.

By the way, if this works out,

we should do this with other holidays,
right?

I mean, like,
who really needs Valentine's Day?

Yeah, and why do I have to
cook for every Thanksgiving?

Stay calm. They can't see us.

Trick or treat!

Oh, they sound so cute.

They're probably little
ballerinas or something.

I can't. I can't.

Abandon ship. Abandon
ship. Shh! Hey, stop.

Stop. Look at me. Look at me.

The first one is always the toughest.

Trick or treat!

This is killing me.

Just ride it out.

Mommy, I guess no one's home.
Let's just go to the next house.

And we're through it.

There you have it.

- Dark arches.
- Dark arches.

How goes the trunk-or-treating?

The best.

No knocking on doors or
walking to the next house.

You go from car to car
and take what you want.

It's like we're robbing these people.

You know who's being robbed?

Me.

No one's gotten my costume all night.

Why don't you just take the hat off

and be a regular cookie?

You're just jealous

'cause you're never
gonna wear one of these.

You know, I got to say,

trunk-or-treating is kind of romantic.

Speaking of treats,

a little serenade for my princess.

♪ Kendra, Kendra ♪

♪ More than a friend-a ♪

♪ Chale, Chale, Chale ♪

♪ What a perfect male ♪

♪ Chale, Chale, Chale ♪

♪ What a perfect... ♪

♪ Kendra, Ken... ♪

Come on.

This is intolerable.

Unbelievable.

And yet it is a free country,

and that's why I love America.

So, if I was ever taken,

how far would you go to save me, hmm?

Well, I mean, I...

I'd definitely want you back.

No, good to hear.

You know, I... would
ask your girlfriends

if they'd seen you and
put up some fliers.

Liam Neeson...

He flies to Europe and he's
snapping people's necks

and you're gonna put up some fliers?

- With a reward, you know?
- Oh.

I got to be honest...

I don't know if I could
learn another language and...

Sure.

Fly to another country.

You got to figure out
their money and stuff.

Right.

I don't even... Do I have a passport?

I don't even know if I have a passport.

Trick or treat!

Trick or treat!
We see your car in the driveway.

No, no, no, no, no.
It's okay. They'll leave.

Hey. I smell popcorn.

Give me a boost. I'll
look through the window.

Get low. Get low.

Okay. I think they're gone.

Lower your voice.

- I think they're gone.
- Stop... screaming.

Come on, guys. Let's go.

All right, Now we'll go check.

Okay.

What? Get down.

This is down as I get.

They might know we're here.

Okay, enough is enough.

I mean, why can't they just
play something more soothing,

like a car alarm?

I'd go over and talk to him,

but the Viking seems busy
with his decorations.

Fine, I'll do it.

No, no, no.

I'll deal with it.

I just want to be sure
to keep my rage in check.

Okay. Fine. Here I go.

Okay, Chale.

Brave bacon.

Brave bacon.

Excuse me.

'Sup, bro?

Uh, my fiancée and I, uh,
we're really big fans of music,

a-also really big fans of Vikings.

The way you plunder a
village... to die for.

Um, we feel maybe the music is just a...

Just a tad too loud.

I'm so sorry.

Thank you so much.

My girlfriend... She likes it loud.

She's a strong cup of coffee.

I, too, am familiar with that brew.

They shaving-creamed the car.

I just washed it, too.

You know, I'm going
out there. That's it.

No, honey. Don't, okay?
They're just kids.

All right, we'll take the high road,

and we will clean everything tomorrow.

Okay, you're right. Take the high road.

Yes.

They just stole our “Welcome” sign.

What?!

My grandmother made that sign for us.

Oh, you know what?
Those are the Gruber kids.

That's it. I'm calling their parents.

Well,
not sure Rick and Judy are gonna pick up

because they're driving the getaway car.

Oh, those bastards are going down.

I guess we're off the high road now.

Oh, yeah. We're way off.

Looks like our noise
problem was handled.

Oh, wow, that's amazing.
What did you say to him?

I went over there.
He had a bit of an attitude.

He's like, “What's up,
bro”" And I shut that down.

I was having none of it.

Wow. Good on you, babe.

Oh.

Well, when thunder needs bringing,

I tend to bring it.

Don't tell me to relax!

Who told you to turn my music off?!

It was just some guy.

You're so blurring.

Get some personality.

Honey. Why are you acting like this?

You made me crazy.

You're so ***

****

Who was it?!

Uh, we should probably start the car.

What?

I can't swing my legs over.

It ain't happening.

The gate's unlocked.

Thank you, God.

What did you bring?

What is all this?

- It's toilet paper and shaving cream.
- What?

If I learned anything from being a cop,

it's that you never show up unarmed.

Honey, this is not about payback, okay?

It's about getting our sign and just...

By the way,
how much toilet paper did you bring?

Is that every roll in the house?

It is. Yeah.

Maybe we should hang
on to a few of these.

Okay.

Oh, there's the sign. I'll go get it.

Hey, wait, wait, wait!

They got a lot of lights up there.

- Those could be motion sensors.
- Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, Jackie Chan, I think we're good.

I'll tell you when we're good.

- We're good.
- Okay.

All right, I'm gonna go get it.

Okay. This is exciting.

- Hurry up.
- Okay, I'm coming.

They snapped our bird's neck.

Ohh! Look at what they did!

You know what? Yes, I'm gonna do this.

- Hey!
- Take this, Grubers!

- Yes!
- Okay.

Ohh, that felt good.

- A couple things.
- Yeah!

- You're supposed to unroll it first.
- Oh.

And you ended up in the
kiddie pool right there.

You're supposed to throw it in a tree.

Oh, that would be much better.

What was that?

Ohh!

I'm hit!

Ohh! I love this sweater!

Run!

Grab the sign! Grab the sign!

It's a trap!

- Take cover!
- Oh, God!

Over there!

Here!

Go! Go!

Ow!

Go! Go!

I'm going! Go!

Go, go, go, go.

Close it! Close it! Close it!

Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm great.

I'm trapped in a kids' playhouse,

and I'm wearing a scrambled-egg sweater.

Best Halloween ever.

Okay.

All right.

I think they're done.

What is that?

I think they're duct-taping us in here.

- Oh, no!
- What?

It worked. We're trapped like ducks.

Hey, babe, you know it's
not “duck” tape, right?

That it's duct with a “T”?

Yeah, I know.

- But do you?
- Yeah, I know.

It's an expression...
“trapped like ducks. ”

- You never heard of that?
- No.

I still got no service. No bars.

Well, move around a little.

Oh, good call.

Let me move to the east
wing of the property.

Still nothing.

Oh, why are these people so mad at us?

I don't know.

I can understand the kids being mad,

but I mean, Rick and Judy?

We didn't do anything to them.

We have always been
really good neighbors.

Oh.

What?

It's not a big thing,

but I did borrow Rick's leaf blower,

and it was very powerful.

Powerful enough to, say,

propel a full-grown man in an inner tube

around in a circle in a pool.

Our pool.

I'm that full-grown man.

You don't say.

And what happened?

Well, the trick is to not
submerge the whole thing

in water fully.

And I guess I did that, you know?

Sure, sure, you did.
And did you have it fixed?

I did. Of course I did.

I mean, my buddy Wendell, though,

apparently is not an authorized dealer,

and it completely
voided out the warranty

and Rick got all mad and we
got into a heated argument

and his wife, out of nowhere,
called me a moron.

I panicked, and I called her...

I think it was something like a...

Big Booty Judy.

Big Booty Judy?

Are you kidding me?

- I'm not proud, all right?
- Ohh.

It was a knee-jerk reaction.

Oh, so we're trapped
in here because of you.

No, we are here

because you had to go get your
precious grandmother's sign...

"“Welcome to the Gable Stable”"

We live on a quarter acre in Massapequa.

Like, we're out back
with a bunch of horses.

"“Come on, Jack. Let's get
on back to the Gable Stable”"

Wow! You know what?

I feel like I need a break from
hearing your voice right now.

So I will be in the kitchen.

I'm really sorry, all right?

This whole thing is my fault.

You know, you could step up
and fight me on some of this

if you want to.

We don't need to argue
about it right now.

We need to get out of here.

I agree. There's no telling
what these kids could do.

They already duck... Duct-taped us in.

- Look, we need to cut that tape.
- How?

There... There's literally
nothing sharp enough to do it.

- There actually could be one thing.
- What?

My grandmother's sign? No.

Yeah, I-I crash this thing
into a thousand pieces.

I get, like, a shiv,

and we are ripped out
of here in a second.

Oh, well, make it quick.

Ohh.

I hit the knee.

Right on the knee.

Okay.

Okay, no. You know what?

You just... You got to
break that door down.

- What?
- Yeah.

You got to go full bull-in-a-China-shop.

With that body,
you could bust right through.

“That body”?

Uh, because... Uh, because it's muscle.

Because you're...
'Cause you're mostly muscle.

It is mostly muscle.
I'm not... I'm not saying

there's not other stuff in there,

but it is mostly muscle and
bone and things of structure.

Yeah, no, and that's what I meant.

That's 100% what I meant.

Let's do it.

I couldn't even break a sign.
How am I breaking this door?

Because you can do it!

All right,
we break through this thing, okay,

we hop that fence,
and we run back home, okay?

Yes, yes, and we do it fast

because, really,
I actually got to pee real bad.

Okay, all right.

Oh!

Honey, are you okay?

My shoulder hurts pretty bad.

It's hard to tell in the dark.

Oh, babe, let's get out of here.

Okay, okay.

Come on, come on. Can you mo...

R... Rick!

All right, I'm sorry
about the leaf blower!

Yeah.

Your... Your wife was
right. I-I am a moron.

Okay, I just... My apologies to her.

You mean Big Booty Judy?

Now!

Oh, oh!

Come on. Come on. Come on.

- Save yourself!
- Oh, God!

Save yourself!

Ow!

Come on, Donna!

Okay.

I'm not sorry! I'm not sorry!

Hello?

Hello?

Honey, it's after 11:00.

Yeah, dad, they're obviously closed.

It's probably best if
you don't eat so late.

We're ready to give our order.

Are you ready to take it?

Ready to take the order of us?

We're ready. Hello?

Come on. One time.

Dark arches.

I'm sorry, honey.

So... let's just go home?

We're going to Queens.