Kevin Can Wait (2016-2018): Season 1, Episode 6 - Beat the Parents - full transcript

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Hey, Jack. How was school?

I went.

Whoa! Spoiler alert.
Save some for the movie.

Hey, what is that smell? I'm starving.

Oh, I brought leftover pizza from
Enzo's. It's in the microwave.

Awesome.

It has pineapple on it.

We've been through this.

There's a meatball hero in the fridge.

Okay. We're back on good terms.

- My Daddy didn't raise no fool.
- That's right.



All right, what do we got
going on with your fiance here?

I'm coloring in a coloring
book for grown-ups.

Yeah, it's really popular right now,
you know,

it helps relieve stress.

Yeah, 'cause not working and
living rent-free takes a toll.

It also helps with his creativity.

To, you know, develop his app.

Yes. I find that coloring inside the
lines helps me think outside the box.

I'm really trying to like you.

Hi, guys.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey! Great news.

I found a new kid.

Well, we're out of bedrooms
so you got to return him.



No, Jack needs a friend,
this kid, he could be the one.

Listen. Grayden Margolis.

Doesn't play sports, check.

Mild anxiety, check.

Unhealthy interest in video games.

This kid is perfect.

Wait, Mom. How do you know all this?

He came into the nurse's office,
he seemed like a good fit,

so I made copies of his records.

Okay, that's mildly illegal.

Oh, yeah. Big trouble if I get caught.

For the fish's fins,
Raspberry Rave or Pumpkin?

He's killing me.

Anyway, here's the plan. His family just
moved into that huge house on Maple.

Take Jack over there for
a little meet and greet.

Honey, you can't force this stuff,
all right?

Jack's got to do that on his own.

No, come on, he's shy.

Ever since Robbie Becksford moved away,

all he does is sit on the couch
and watch The Weather Channel.

You know he wants to be a meteorologist.

Yes, he insists I call him Jack Thunder.

Ah, he's gonna be fine, okay?

Actually, I wouldn’t worry.

I was a lot like Jack at his age,

and I think that I turned out pretty...

Jack, let's roll.

Come on, kid. I know you're in there.

Grayden, come out and play-ay.

This is creepy, Dad.

No, it'd be creepy if you
weren't here and this was a van.

Ooh, lookie-lookie.

Spider's caught himself a fly.

Get going, go.

What if he doesn't like me?

What are you talking
about? You're funny,

you've got a remote
controlled helicopter,

you know a ton about the Doppler radar.
He's gonna love you.

You think so?

Absolutely. That personality
right there, that's all you need.

And the helicopter,
make sure you hold the helicopter up.

Get it up. All right, there you go.

Aw! Jack and Grayden are
having such a good time.

Great job on the stakeout.

Well, I can't take all the credit.

You were the one who
hacked into his file.

Yeah, all part of being a mom.

Oh, that must be Grayden's parents.
I'll get it.

- Hi!
- Hi. I'm Brandi. We spoke on the phone.

- Hi. Donna.
- Hey, what do we got here?

- Hey.
- Look at this place, nice.

Very nice.

- Hey, Vic Margolis.
- Hey, I'm Kevin. Nice to see you.

We got a big one here, honey, huh?

We know where to go when we can't
get our suitcase closed now.

Kevin, this is Grayden's step-mom

and the result of my
obvious mid-life crisis.

It was me or the yellow Porsche.

Yeah. Well, I got both.

I got neither.

No, I got this. "Her." "You." I got...

I love you so much.

- You have a lovely home.
- Thank you.

Yeah, we just bought that big-ass
monster down on the corner.

You did it right. You did it right,

great neighborhood, average house.

- Thank you?
- Yeah.

Oh, well, I'll get Grayden so you guys
can get back to your big-ass monster.

Oh, it looks like the boys are
having so much fun out there.

And we got nowhere to go. Let 'em play.

Okay, all right.
Uh, well, I could put on some coffee.

I could do coffee.
If by coffee, you mean wine.

Um, that's a little early...

Yikes, I'm two glasses in already.

Hey, do me a favor,
could you top off the pistachios.

I go through these like butter.

I love these things, they're crazy.

Mmm. I got to tell you.

Here's what I love,
sometimes you get one without a shell,

you get a naked one.

It's like... It's like God saying,
"That's on me, that's on me."

I got to be honest, wherever I go,
I'm the top salesman.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

And you know why? It's
'cause I'm genuine.

And they get it. They get that.

- You know what I'm talking about?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

But, you know, when
it's all said and done,

is money gonna make me happy?

I mean, do I really need a
putting green in my backyard?

Do I really need a heated toilet seat?

I don't know. I just heat mine
up with the back of my legs.

I mean, sure, Paris is nice,

but give me Barcelona any day.

Oh, right,
I've heard Barcelona is incredible.

Barthalona.

Right. Barthalona.

And I'm telling you, you have to go.

Oh, well, if you're buyin', I'm goin'.
Girls' weekend!

You're so funny.

But you must. Promise me you'll go.

- Okay.
- Don't just say okay. Promise.

We're a family of five.
Tickets to Spain would be pretty...

- Promise me!
- I promise!

Whether you're a cop
or you're a salesman,

whatever you doing in life, the key
to success is hard work. Am I right?

Absolutely. You gotta put in the hours.

No, no, no, no, it's not about the
hours. It's about working smart.

Right. Making sure
you're not wasting time.

No, no, no, no, no.

Sometimes when you're wasting time,

you're actually,
you're finding a path to the solution.

Ah... So even if you think
you're doing something wrong,

you're actually doing something right.

No!

Yep, I do, I do, I swear on the kids'
lives, I will watch Ray Donovan.

Look at these two,
thick as thieves, huh?

Anyway, it's been really great
getting to know you guys.

Uh-oh, what is that? The wrap-up music?

'Cause, you know, I've still got
a lot of people to thank and...

No, no. I just... I
don't know, I was...

- Can I sleep over?
- Please, please?

We wanna play Mario Kart.

Um...

Oh, that's up to Mr.
and Mrs. Gable, champ.

Well, we'd love to have him over,

but, you know,
Grayden didn't bring his pajamas.

Yeah, you know, uh,
I guess we'll do it another night.

Yeah.

He could just borrow Jack's PJ's.

Ah, he could just sleep
in his tighty-whities.

Well, that solves that.

- Awesome!
- Yes!

I guess that means
another glass of wine.

Looks that way.

This is crazy. We don't
even have cable yet,

and already we've got two new besties.

Yeah. Cable's great, huh?

By the way, when you get it, we'll
understand if we don't see you for a while.

So tired by 1:00 a.m.,
I'm not even talking to him anymore.

I'm talking directly to the man-bun.

I'm not 100% positive,
but I think he can wag it.

If you have to put the word "man"
in the name of a hairstyle,

it shouldn't be on a man.

I got to tell you, and they're brutal.

- And the wife...
- 45 minutes on how shopping local

is different than shopping organic.

I don't wanna sound
like a broken record,

but, white people.

Uh-oh, Man-Bun, three o'clock.

Very funny.

- There he is!
- Hey, there he is.

What are you doing
here? And how'd you...

Oh, Jack told me. This is your
hang out, huh? This your crew?

Uh...

This is my oldest, Braden.
A little souvenir from wife numero uno.

Dad, Mom has a name.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's Allie. Allie Mony!

Go get some slices.

- Slide on, will you?
- Whoa!

So, listen, tonight,
I'm thinking 7:00, 7:30.

- Huh?
- Yeah. For dinner, we're going for dinner.

We're going for dinner, Indian.

Oh, man, oh, you know what it is?
Uh, Donna is a school nurse,

and, uh, tonight she's giving a seminar.

I think you got your
dates mixed up a little,

because Brandi, she just talked
to Donna and she's available,

so you're in. Indian!

Oh, I love it!

There you are.

Brandi, hey, I'm sorry,
what are you doing here?

Oh, I didn't mean to startle you.

Your daughter said you were up here.

I was calling for you.
I was like, "Donna, Donna."

You weren't answering, I was worried.

Well, I was in the shower.

It's usually a private thing.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know,
the restaurant is totally cazh.

- The restaurant?
- Yeah, we're going to dinner. Indian.

This place has the
best Tandoori chicken.

Oh, I really don't think we can,
Kevin has...

No. Vic already talked to him.
He said you're good to go.

- Did he now?
- Yep.

Now, promise me you'll
get the Tandoori chicken.

I promise.

Oh, that was the most
brutal dinner ever!

Oh... Three hours of him
disagreeing with everything I said.

I was like, "The sky
is blue." He's like...

"No, it's green!"

Well, next time, don't
say yes to dinner.

Me? He said you agreed.

No, she said you...

- Oh, they played us!
- Like a banjo!

Oh!

We got to cut them loose.

How are we gonna do that?

We don't answer their calls,
we don't return their texts.

I mean, this is a woman who
followed me into the bathroom.

Oh, and did you know that they
want to take us snowmobiling?

I may have agreed with that.

I like playing in the snow.

No, babe, face it,
as long as Jack and Grayden are friends,

then we are stuck with them.

We're gonna end up going to Barcelona.

Unless...

Unless what?

Nothing.
I'm just saying if something happened

and Jack and that kid weren't friends...

What are you proposing?

I'm not proposing
anything. I'm what if-ing.

What if we did something and Jack
and Grayden were no longer friends?

Break them up?

- That would solve all of our problems.
- Right?

And it's so doable. It's easy.

- It's easy.
- Oh, my God, it's so easy. It's so ea...

Oh, my God!
What are we... We're horrible parents.

Oh! We're horrible people.

- Oh, yes.
- Yeah.

- I'm disgusting for thinking that.
- Disgusting...

- Because this is about Jack...
- Yes.

- and his happiness.
- Yes.

You know, and if we have to
suffer through Vic and Brandi,

then that's what we gotta do.

- Unless...
- Unless what?

We find Jack another friend?

A better friend.

Way better.

Robert Becksford! Jack loved him.

But he lives all the
way in Brooklyn now.

They could fill the Bell
park with broken glass

and I will crawl over to pick him up.

Hey, babe, what's your 20?

Just got to Brooklyn.
I'm about to pick up the package.

Okay, here's the plan.

I'm about to hide the game and
initiate codename "Bye-bye Grayden."

Now, I'm not a cop, but maybe
you shouldn't have the kid's name

- in the codename.
- Ooh. Good catch.

Yeah, I got a little sloppy there.

Oh, gotta go. Elvis is in the building.

Hey, pal, what're you doing?

Heard Grayden's coming over. Boy,
you better practice your Mario Kart.

- I don't need to.
- You sure about that?

Last time you played,
it was kind of a one-sided beat down.

I mean, I love you,

but when he lapped you as Princess
Peach, it was kind of hard to watch.

- Maybe I should practice.
- There you go.

What's up, buddy?

- My game's gone.
- What?

Wow.

Wow, it's...

It's probably nothing, but the other day

I saw Grayden,
he had it in his hand and he said,

"I wish this was mine."

- You think Grayden stole it?
- No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, everything does point to him,
but no.

Nah, nah, I don't think so.

What I would do though is
I would check your room,

make sure you still got all
your stuff up there, you know?

If he took anything, we're done.

Whoa! Those are some tough words.

But necessary.
I mean, that's... You gotta do...

- Ding-dong, ding-dong.
- Hey!

- Come on in.
- Kid delivery.

Where's Grayden?

He's in the car, he's
getting his backpack.

And, uh, listen, this is just a drop
off, can't hang out unfortunately.

- No.
- Yeah.

Well, this is our
busiest week of the year.

We're... We're blowing out
all the 2016 hot tubs.

Uh, the showroom, it's mobbed.

I gotta get back there,
you know, I'm the guy.

- You sell hot tubs?
- Yeah, down at Crazy Leo's.

By the way, he's crazy.
He really is crazy.

- Hey buddy, Jack's upstairs.
- Hey!

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Make sure you got your inhaler? Okay.

Yeah, Donna and I would
love to get a hot tub,

but we probably couldn't
afford one right now.

$30 a month?

- Got it.
- Hold on a second, Grayden.

30 bucks a month?

With zero financing and
my employee discount,

that's what you're looking at.

Maybe less, who knows?

Swing by the showroom,
I'll get you a deal if you want.

Later, G-Man.

Hey, uh, hang on a second, G-Man.

Do me a favor. Just give this to Jack

and tell him I found it,
it was under the couch.

- What's up?
- Abort mission!

Okay, Jack needs to stay
friends with Grayden,

so forget the Becksford kid.
He's useless to us.

Hey, guess what?

Already picked him up,
and you're on speaker.

Hey, Robbie B.

How's it going, big guy.

What's going on?

What's the one thing you
want more than anything else?

To get your cholesterol under 300.

Okay, okay.

No, it's a hot tub, remember?
You want a hot tub. Right?

Well, guess what?

Vic sells them and he
can get us a sick deal.

No. Honey, I've had
it with these people.

I can't take any more.

How sick a deal is this?

Well, how sick is this?

With his discount, we'll be sitting
in bubbles for 30 bucks a month.

Listen, honey, you're a real good
kid and none of this is your fault.

But I'm gonna need you
to hold on real tight.

Can Grayden and I get some
candy from the machine?

Yeah. Yeah, you guys,
uh, you doing okay?

Yeah. Can you believe he wants
to be a meteorologist, too?

How cool is that?

Whoa! Hurricane best buddies
whipping through Massapequa.

Thank God we took the high road.

And now we're rewarded with
25 jets on our lumbars.

- I need that.
- Mmm-hmm.

Oh, Leo! Please, Leo!

- Hey! Hey!
- Hey!

- Let's go. Let's get this thing done.
- Let's do it, Vic.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Sit down.
- Hey, that one out in the showroom,

is that the 30 bucks a month one?

The CL-10 Hydra.
Yeah, it's great starter unit.

- That's the one we want.
- Yeah.

Well, that's our most popular model,
so obviously, it's sold out.

- Ooh.
- Okay.

Yeah, but you don't want it.
It's a maintenance nightmare.

Okay. What's the... Well,
what's the next one up?

Yeah, the next one is the D-10-12.
Another beautiful one.

That's the one I got.
Yeah, also sold out.

Okay. Well, stop telling us about
the ones that you don't have

and maybe tell us about
the ones that we can buy.

Yes, sir. Here is the thing.

The only 2016 that we got
available is the XO Jet Pulse 7000.

It's got the most powerful
jets in the business.

All the bells and whistles.

Ooh, all right.
And then with your employee discount,

what's that gonna cost us?

Eh, the thing about the
employee discount...

I know I said it, I said it...

But it turns out Crazy Leo,
he's not that crazy.

So it's okay, it's okay.

I'm gonna do something good for you,
don't worry about it.

Okay, ticky, ticky, ticky...

Okay.

There you go, that's your monthly.

- Uh...
- No, no, no.

You said you were gonna
give us a great deal,

and you're sticking it to us.

Okay, look, look.

The truth is, I'm drowning here, okay?

I got... I got a house I can't afford,

I haven't sold a hot tub in two months.

Leo's got my head on the chopping block.

I'm gonna have to move back to Florida.

Who am I kidding?

Selling hot tubs, it's a... It's a
young man's game. That's what it is.

Vic, we're real sorry about all of that,

- but we still can't do this.
- Yeah.

I get it, I get it, I get it.
Yeah, it's not, uh...

It's not your problem.
I'm, uh... I'm gonna be fine.

But I'll tell you who I
do worry about though.

Those two little guys right out there.

Look, if I don't turn
things around pretty fast,

they're gonna lose the
best friends they ever had.

Did he just go there?

- He went there.
- I went there. I went there.

Well, it's not gonna work, Vic.

Yeah, I'm sorry, you
got a lot of problems,

but they're not ours, all right?

So have a great life.

Grayden and I are gonna be
partners in the science fair.

We're gonna build a weather station.

We do want a hot tub.

All right, look,
I could work one day a month,

and cover it, I guess.
All right, let's just...

Okay, we're gonna take the tub,

- Yeah.
- Ha!

But here's the deal, okay, first of,

that comes back down because we've
already seen behind the curtain.

Yeah, it looks like a ferret's ass.

Second, the kids stay friends, we don't.

- Yeah.
- Okay?

So when you drop Grayden off,
you stay at the curb.

Yeah.

Done deal. Okay.

I just gotta ask you. Could I
interest you in the extended warranty?

No!

Sweetheart, what is that?

Uh, I believe that is our new hot tub.

Pretty sweet, huh, hon?

I don't know that we
needed one this big.

He said that if I hit
one of these buttons,

it'll turn the water purple.

Oh, God, please. Oh...

- Hit the button.
- I can't get to it.

Hit the button. Hit the button.

I got it, I got it, I got it...

I don't got it.