Kevin Can Wait (2016-2018): Season 1, Episode 4 - Kevin and Donna's Book Club - full transcript

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Oh. You're here.

Yes, it's my house.

Now it's my turn.

Oh. You're here.

With good reason.

Kendra and I are dropping your
little ones off at sleepovers.

The least I can do for allowing
me to live in your garage

and marry your daughter... All of it.

Um...

And just know... I
respect your boundaries,

so please pretend I'm invisible.



I like that.

But it's hard to
pretend you're invisible

when I can still see you, so...

Ssst. Back a little
it. Yeah, there you go.

Still got a little peripheral on you.
Right there.

Yep, back, back.

There you go.

- Dad?
- Yeah.

Oh! Dad.

Okay, I cannot study up there.
This is ridiculous.

I shouldn't have to share
a room with my baby sister.

It's torture.

Oh, come on, it's not
that bad, all right?

Oh, it is.



She's biting her fingernails

and spitting them into
a Gatorade bottle.

Okay.

My Gatorade bottle.

At least she's grooming, all right?

It's a step in the right direction.

Oh, come on, Dad.

Why can't I just live in
the garage with Chale?

I mean, we're engaged.

Yeah, exactly, you're not married yet...
if ever.

My house, my rules.

Fine, but we are going to revisit this.

Absolutely... Right after the wedding.

And even then, probably not.

Dad.

- Love you.
- Oh. Have fun tonight, okay?

I took $10 out of your wallet,

but I told you, so it's not stealing.

I only took $5 'cause you...
You raised me right.

Boom!

There we go.

There you are. Nice.

Okay.

Oh. Ohh.

Oh.

Hey, honey.

Hey.

Dug too deep in your bread bowl again,
didn't you?

I did, yeah.

The store was a madhouse.

Oh.

What... A slab of Brie?

Yeah.

Hey, honey, you know my rule on cheeses.

Yes... "if it's not individually
wrapped, forget that crap."

Yes.

But don't worry, because
it's not for you.

I have my book club coming over tonight.
It's gonna be fun.

Wait a sec... I got the guys tonight.

No, go to Mott's house.
He's got a big place.

Yeah, he's also got seven kids,

and the twins are usually
in a naked slap fight.

Okay, well, I'm not canceling.

It's my first time
hosting, and I'm excited.

- Excited?
- Yeah.

Oh, let me see. Baseball...

book club.

Ooh. Mm.

Whoosh!

Sorry I'm late.

My mother's foot veins
are flaring up again.

Tell your mother to plop her
feet in a bucket of hot water

for 10 minutes,

then ice them, then back to heat.

I heard it was ice, heat, ice.

Heat, ice.

Guys, guys, guys, hey, do me a favor.

Slow down on this conversation,

'cause I want to catch all the de...

What's going on in there?

Oh, Donna's got her book club.

I don't what they're doing,
but it sounds pretty wild.

You know what?

It's pretty wild in
here, too, okay, guys?

I'm gonna get some more chips.

Let's focus on the game, all right?

Mets are only down by 9.

Seriously. Let's fix the mojo in here.

Switch seats, stand up, move around.
Come on.

No, I got this, I got this.

I'm sorry, honey.
Are we getting too loud in here?

Uh, no. Are we, uh...
We too loud out there?

No, to be honest, I didn't even
know you were still in there.

Have there been people in
that room the whole night?

Oh. Yeah, it's off the chain!

We moved. The Phillies scored.
We moved back.

Come on, guys. Motty! Shotgun!

- Yeah, get it.
- What the hell?!

Chug it, man!

I don't want to chug it! You chipped it!

I didn't chip it! Chug it!

No, you chipped it,
guy! Get him a towel!

Ugh! Fine!

Hey. Everything okay?

Ohh. Yeah. You know what?
It's... it's just great.

Mott puked.
We just hit another level out here.

Whoo!

What's up?

Oh, nothing.

It's just something that
happened at the book club.

Oh.

What?

Oh, we had something, too.

Uh, Duffy was riffing
about his mom's foot veins.

It was hilarious.

You guys had ribs?

Yeah, our book had a Southern theme,

so everyone brought something.

Gina brought Kentucky bourbon,
and Danielle brought biscuits,

and Laura...
Some pretty racy stories from...

the Bahamas!

Was there any book reading or...?

Well, yeah, we start with the book,

but, you know, the drinks flow,
and then before you know it,

we're trying to sign Gina up
for whipped cream wrestling

at a bar in Ronkonkoma.

Which we all agreed would
be very irresponsible.

So, this... This happens every week?

Well... yeah.

Ever since we got rid of this one girl,
Tammi,

this deadweight.

All she would ever do
is talk about her cat.

It's like "We get it," you know?

"You didn't rescue
her. She rescued you."

Total downer.

Anyway... Pbht! Cut her loose.

You just kicked her out of the group?

Yeah. Well, I mean, I
didn't, but Danielle did.

But yeah, they're not bringin' it,

then they gots to go.

Out!

Waitress.

How about a couple more slices, huh?

Does Mom know you're eating this?

Okay, you know what? Do me a favor.

Listen up, all right?

This is where I hang out...
My safe place, all right?

Now, when I got you the job here,

I laid down a few rules and regs.

- You remember?
- I do.

- Always top off your drink.
- Uh-huh.

If you ask for regular cheese,
that means double cheese.

Right.

"Double cheese" means triple.

And if Mom asks,
you ate something with carrots.

There you go.

And most important?

If there's a pizza made by mistake,

you guys get first crack at it.

All right, boys, you're
probably wondering

why I summonsed you here today.

Uh, not really. We're here every day.

True, but today's different
because I summonsed you.

You texted us.

It's a summons, guy. It's a summons.

Look, it doesn't matter.

Anyway, last night was a real
eye-opener to me, all right?

It really brings up the question,

is this as good as it gets?

I guess if it had mushrooms

and they burnt the crust a little...

Not the pizza. I mean this... life.

I mean, come on.

When we were on the force and we'd talk

about our dream retirement,
is this what we pictured?

Kinda.

I mean, every day can't
be the 4th of July.

This is like July 5th.

Hey, my aunt's birthday.

Okay, hey, hey, hey.

Big man, focus, okay?

Look, last night,

six ladies in a book club
completely lapped us.

A book club...
I'm gonna let that sink in for a second.

You want us to start a book club?

No.

What I want you to do

is I want you to ask
yourself a question...

"What do I bring to the table?"

Seriously, Mott.
Tell me why you're an asset.

Why do I want to be
in the Mott business?

- Well, I'm honest.
- Mm-hmm.

- I live close by.
- There you go.

Oh, I think my minivan's a plus.

Wait, hold up. You're evaluating us?

Think about it.
How do baseball teams get better?

They evaluate performance.

This is just an informal...
Yet permanent... record

of who's contributing what.

- Why don't we evaluate you?
- Evaluate me?

- Yeah.
- You know what? I already did.

Insane leadership skills, laser-focused,

but with a playful side.

The only negative... I care too much.

- I care too much.
- You know what?

You forgot something... bully.
You're a bully.

I'm out of here. Yeah, me too.

Oh. Okay.

Mott, let's go! You drove!

I'm right behind you. Don't turn around.

I'm just gonna use the microwave.

Chale.

I am still invisible. Still invisible.

Okay, it's okay. You
can use the microwave.

And, by the way, you want to
sit down and... watch the game?

You know, there's no reason

we shouldn't get to
know each other, really.

My heart wants to believe you, but...

my brain screams that this is a trap.

Chale, it's not a trap.
Come on, bud. Here.

Oh.

You almost got me. But not today!

See, that's where the book loses me,

because why would a woman that educated

stay with a guy that
stupid and self-centered?

Don't answer that. I'm in the room.

I, uh...
I made too much of my special onion dip,

so, uh, you ladies have at it.

I'm gonna head up, honey. Yeah.

Thank you.

Wow! This is insane!

- What's in this?
- Uh, it's just... you know,

it's special herbs, uh, sour cream,

and another secret ingredient

I'm really not at liberty to tell you.

But I'm gonna... It's Lipton onion soup.

That's all it is.

It's the best.

- Okay, good night, honey.
- Yeah, good night. Okay.

Wait. Kevin, you're a guy.

Well, thank you.

If you had to pick between
a slutty servant woman

or an educated governess,

who would you choose to
help you on a cattle drive?

Ah, that age-old question.

Well, first, I would ask...
How long is the cattle drive?

And second, what's a guy got to do

to get a glass of
Merlot around here, huh?

We'll get you some right now.

A little bit more, a little bit more.

Oh, okay.

Ooh, pretty bouquet. I like it.

What's so funny?

I was just thinking about Steph.

When she was ragging on her husband

for wearing the skinny jeans, I...
I was literally crying.

I was crying.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.

You know,
we've never really had a husband join us

and then stay until the very, very end.

Anyway, thanks for letting me hang out.

No problem.

Next week, I promise...
I'm gonna blend in.

Next week?

Uh, honey, is there something
going on with the guys

that I don't know about?

- The guys?
- Yeah.

You mean the weak
links weighing me down?

Hm, they hads to go.

Ooh.

"No, Nancy, you're the best."

Smiley face,
smiley face with glasses, dynamite.

Hey. Where's the food, man?

I got a bunch of hungry
ladies out there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
It's got to sit for a minute.

Nothing worse than runny lasagna.

So, uh, there any, uh,
single ladies in this club?

Hey, this is about literature, okay?

Can't hook up your own brother?

Do you know that I'm on call
at the firehouse right now?

I'm doing this as a favor.

I can't. I'm... I'm...
I'm a newbie myself.

I've only been there a few weeks.

I'll tell you what.

I'll float your name out there
and see how it washes out.

All right?

- I'm gonna start them with this.
- Okay.

Here you go, ladies.

I thought everybody would
enjoy a little cru-dite.

That's just a fancy way of saying
"raw vegetables."

It's "crudit?."

Ohh!

French language police are here.
Take me away.

I'm kidding. You're my Yoda, Gina.

You know you are.

I think someone's looking for you.

What are you doing,
man? What do you want?

Nothing. Just, uh, you know...

the one in the chair over
there is kind of cute.

She just gave me the eye.

That's 'cause she hasn't seen a
handlebar mustache since 1974.

Sorry about that.

No, it's okay, but we should probably

start talking about the book now.

Oh, before we do,

I just want to thank you
ladies for embracing me.

I know being here is not a right.
It's a privilege.

And I know that everybody's
got to step up their...

No, you don't have to step up, honey.

You just sit there and, um...

Just sit there.

No, I think what I bring...

And I think what you
ladies have latched onto...

Is a male perspective, right?

And I'm not saying
"The Honeybee and the Looking Glass"

isn't a great book.

But what do you say
we throw a "curveball"

and ignite this party...

with "The Drew Ott Story"?

"This shortstop played more
minor league baseball games"

than anyone in history,

but on the day he finally gets
called up to the big leagues,

"tragedy strikes... him out."

I'm not sure that's something we'd...
want to read.

Danielle, we all know you have
a problem with commitment.

Don't miss the boat on this one,
like you did with Tyler.

Somebody had to say it.

Y'all we're thinking it.
Y'all we're thinking it.

Honey, I feel like now
would be a great time

to get those broccoli pinwheels started.

- Honey, I'm in the middle...
- No, that's okay. I'll help you.

Okay, fine.

Look, I know you think
it's a book about baseball,

but it's not.

It's about life.

Honey, you're out of the club.

What?

I'm sorry.

You gots to go.

But everybody loves me.

Well, everybody loved it when
you came the first night,

but...

See, babe, you're like
triple-chocolate cake.

You know, it's great the first time,

but you can't eat it every night.

That's not a good analogy for me.

Right.

Okay.

Sweetheart... it's a
girls club, you know?

And I know that something
happened with your friends,

but you got work that out,
because book club is my time.

Ohhhh.

I see it. Okay.

You're jealous
'cause I'm fitting in too well.

I'm... I'm stealing your thunder.

- All right, I got it.
- No, I...

I'm not the only one
that feels this way.

So, you're saying your friends
want me out of the group?

Yeah.

Wow.

Wow, this is sad. This is so, so sad.

Sad?

Allow me to show you a text, would you?

Okay.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

- Here we go. Ready?
- Okay.

Me... "See you Tuesday night, Lisa."

Her response... "Sounds good, Kev."

- "Sounds good, Kev."
- Mm-hmm. Okay.

Well, this is from Nancy.

"If we have book club at my house,

do you think Kevin will show up?"

Okay, see, it's all how you're
reading it, 'cause I see it as,

"Do you think Kevin will show up?"

Uh-huh. All right.

Well, this one... It's not even a text.

It's just a picture of you with the word
"out" underneath.

She took my head and put it
on the body of a manatee.

I'm sorry, honey.

Wow. I guess that's it.

Yeah.

So, you think I should
finish out the night or...?

Uh...

no.

Ladies, it's been
brought to my attention

that I may not be your cup of tea.

Some of you consider
me even a little pushy,

with the body of a manatee.

So, I guess this is goodbye.

Annie, I told you things I've
never told another human being.

Cake balls are in the freezer,

and the Merlot should probably
breathe for a few minutes

before serving.

But... what do I know?

No one's gonna stop you, hon.

Yes!

All we do is play Cornhole.

Aren't you guys about Cornholed out?

- What about stickball?
- Stickball?

What are we...
12-year-olds in the Great Depression?

Stop looking at him.

Dad, just go talk to them.

Talk to who?

The three old dudes
playing with beanbags

pretending not to notice
you for the last two hours.

They need to apologize to me, all right?

All I was doing was trying
to make our lives better.

Yeah, that worked.

He just looked at us.

Well, let's just talk to him.

No, no, no. If we blink first, he wins.

All right,
somebody ordered a large pepperoni

and never picked it up,

and according to your rule,
you guys get first crack at it.

I'm grabbing a slice.

Stay strong.

This is stupid, all right?

We can call a truce...
at least until we finish the pizza.

Go ahead. You can have that one.

I know how much you
like the burnt crust.

Did you remember that about me,
or was it in my file?

It's in here...

and it's in here.

Classy move, kid.

Thanks, Enzo.

You know I got to make you pay
for that large pepperoni, right?

Yeah, I know.

I mean now. I'm counting out the drawer.

Hey, Dad. Whatcha doing?

Watching a movie.

You want to watch?

Yeah.

How are you, kiddo?

I'm okay.

But I missed you, you know?

Sometimes I miss Mom.

But today... Today's a Dad day.

So sweet.

How was school?

It was good.

Actually,
might get a call from the vice principal

with a very one-sided story
about a small food fight

that I was accused of starting.

He already called.
You're grounded for a week.

Well, I guess there's no
reason to do this anymore.

No, probably not.

You know, uh, Mr. Gable,

I was thinking about your
offer to watch TV with you

the other day.

And, uh, you're right.

There's really no reason that
we can't get to know each other.

Yeah, I worked things out
with my buddies. You're out.

Oh. Fair enough.