Kevin Can Wait (2016-2018): Season 1, Episode 23 - Sting of Queens: Part One - full transcript

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♪♪

It's an owl.

I've never seen an owl.

Hey, Mr. Owl?

I'm not gonna hurt ya.
Just wanna get a look at ya.

You gotta be kidding me!

Oh!

Oh, no!

Eh-Eh-Hey!

I know that face. Gable.

Dawson?
You guys got here fast.



No, no, no. Sergeant
Mendez wants to see you.

- Your wife said you'd be here.
- Listen, uh,

I'm kind of in the middle
of something here.

Yeah, a window.
I can see that.

All right, come on. I'll take
you down to the station.

Hey, uh, do me a favor.

Let's just keep this
between us, okay?

Oh, absolutely.
Absolutely.

♪ I am not your ordinary guy ♪
*KEVIN CAN WAIT*
Season 01 Episode 23
"Sting of Queens (Part-1)"

Hey, babe.

Hey. What happened
to your jacket?

Oh. I got into a little
situation at work.

Were you trying to steal candy out
of the vending machine again?

I wasn't stealing, all right? That
machine wouldn't take my dollar.



Honey, you tipped it over.

I didn't tip it over.
I kept feeding it in there.

And then finally when it did,
the spring released,

and then the Doritos just got stuck
and they were hanging there.

And I shoved it and I broke
the sheet rock behind it.

- That's all.
- I don't... Okay.

Well, they're gonna
charge you for that.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure
they're just gonna fire me.

- Oh, great.
- Yeah.

Oh, and, uh, Sergeant Mendez
called me and he, uh,

he wants me
to go back undercover.

What? You're retired.

I know. But these guys
are close to makin' a bust.

Remember those guys selling
that counterfeit art?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, one of them's
been asking about me.

So they need me
to make an appearance.

They want the big dog
to bark one more time.

Okay.

So wait, are you thinking about
going back on the force?

No. It's just... It's
one day like jury duty.

Jury duty can go on for months.

Not if you tell them
you're a pirate.

You're out in one day.

- Okay.
- Also good news...

It's not gonna affect me
going to Mets Fantasy Camp.

Oh, good. I was worried.

Now you and your friends can
go to Florida and pretend that

Mookie Wilson really wants
to have a catch with you.

Hey, I paid extra
for that, okay?

And I don't care if
he's faking it or not.

It's Mookie Wilson.

Bored Mookie is still Mookie,
okay?

- Okay.
- Hi, guys.

- Hello, love.
- Hi. Hi.

Chale... Whoa!

What is it? Picture day down
at the unemployment office?

Well, actually,
I can't get unemployment

because I've never had a job,
so in your face.

He's dressed nice
for a meeting, Dad.

This tech start-up wants
to recruit him,

and it would be
an amazing opportunity.

He'd have a real job
and make great money.

Ah, well, I don't know
if I'm taking it just yet.

No, no, I know.
It's gotta be the right fit.

And, Chale, sweetie, I think what
Kendra's trying to say for all of us

is you make it fit.

Even if you gotta force it, you
just jam it in there. Yeah.

♪♪

Wire him up.
Good to see you, Gable.

Retirement looks good on you.

Lot of guys let themselves go.

- You're busting my chops, right?
- 100%. You look like crap.

Hey, Officer Baskin-Robbins,
warm up the hands.

It's like getting felt up
by a dead body.

So what's the deal?

All we gotta do is find
the location

of where the deal's going
down and we're good.

Let Cellucci take the lead.

Cellucci?

You didn't tell me
Cellucci's on this case.

'Cause you wouldn't have
shown up.

Could be worse.

You could be stuck in a guard shack
window with your ass hanging out.

Dawson showed you that picture?

Yeah, it's his screensaver.

♪♪

There he is.

Hey, baby.

Oh.

♪♪

♪♪

It's been what? A year?

I was starting to think she
traded you in for a new model.

Oh, no.

This one hit the lottery
on the first spin.

More like a scratch-off
when you...

When you win 5 bucks
and you don't cash it in

- 'cause it ain't worth it.
- Oh, yeah.

- But still you won. You did win.
- Not really.

These two, huh?

Anyway, you guys doing
any business in the area?

We have some potential
buyers lined up.

Yeah, which is why
we were thinking that maybe...

Domingo, I'm sorry.

What is that?

I see the two patties,
but what's in between there?

Is that cheese or an egg? Both.
With two hash browns on top.

- What?
- Yeah.

Um, sweetheart. Domingo
was about to tell us...

Now was that a special
order or did you just...

Did you order that off the menu?

It's the breakfast burger.
It's on the second page.

And the egg doesn't drip
on your hands?

Nope, hash brown soaks it
right up.

- Wow, that's thought out.
- Okay.

- It's thought out.
- All right. Okay.

- Are we done with the burger talk?
- Yes, sorry.

Are we done? Okay.

So I'm sorry, please.
Continue.

Uh, no problem.
Actually, this week...

I'm sorry. I gotta stop...
I gotta stop this.

You know what it is?
I just...

I tried to go healthy, but it's just...
It's not workin'.

I'm traveling and stuff. You
know, I'm gonna start Monday.

I'll start Monday. Hey, waitress?
Can I get...

- Honey, honey, honey, honey.
- Huh?

You keep interrupting people,
and they're trying to tell us

where they're going
for the weekend.

And I wanna hear all about it,

but I will hear much better
with the breakfast burger.

Two meals, one bun.
I'll be locked on.

Okay, excuse me, waitress.

Could you fly in one of
these for my husband?

I'll pay you a million dollars.
Thanks so much. Okay. Sorry.

I like this guy.
You know what it is about him?

He's got an appetite for life.

Yes, life. That's what
he's been eating.

So, you were saying where you
were going for the weekend.

Yeah, Boston. We're having
a big art show this weekend.

Oh, Boston.

It's gonna be kind of nice.
I thought maybe...

Excuse me.

Oh. Give me one second.

Sure.

What is it?

I thought you told me
it was handled.

I'm sorry. We gotta run.
It's business.

- Sorry, it's just...
- No, no. Don't worry.

- But I'll see you guys soon.
- Okay.

- Yes, you got it.
- All right, bye.

- All right.
- What is the matter with you?

What?

I am try...

I'm... I'm gonna eat around
the bite marks.

No! I am trying
to get information,

and you are yapping
about your burger!

I'm trying to make things
look natural.

It's called police work.

And what about you?

"Hey, can you tell us where
your crime is going down?

"And if you wouldn't mind,

"speak into the tiny
microphone in my blouse.

"That'd be super.
I like it."

Come on.

- You got problems, you know that?
- Oh, I got problems?

Yeah. I told
you this was a bad idea.

It's a very good idea.
I got us...

- All right, you have your own mic,
- ..the information we need. Boston.

- stupid! Get over.
- It's Boston.

You know what else I got?

I got two burgers, I got a vanilla
malt, and a salad for my wife.

By the way, we got a
pretty big tab out here,

so if you can run out
a debit card.

♪♪

I scoped out your rezzie,
checked some refs,

noodled around
on your app submish,

and I'm just gonna come out
and say it...

I want you here at Nozzler.

Uh, I appreciate that,
Parker, but, uh,

I am an entrepreneur myself...

and... I'm not sure
that I would be comfortable

being a spoke in a wheel.

My dream is to be the wheel.

Hear it, respect it.

In fact, you know who said the
same thing about six months ago?

Little dreamer named
Parker Cohen. Yeah.

And now I'm about to take
this baby public.

Oh, wow. That's amazing.

Yeah. And that's when
we decide to break open

this 50-year-old
bottle of scotch.

I don't wanna tell you how much
I paid for it, but I'm gonna.

$27,000.

Oh, wow.
That is a lot of money.

Yes, it is.
So here's the offer.

Six figs, stock options, piece of
everything we develop, plus...

We rent out Six Flags
for our company retreat.

I do love the log flume.

And here, a little cinnamon
on your breadstick.

A signing bonus.

$10,000?

What do you say, Chale?

Wanna flume to the moon?

♪♪

Hey, uh, you know
where my socks are?

Wow.

That is quite the statement.

Oh...

Yeah, where, uh,
where are my Met socks?

I need 'em for Fantasy Camp.

Why can't you just wear
the socks you have on?

Oh, that's a great idea. So when
they divide up teams down there,

they'll be like, "Okay, uh, we'll
take the dude with the eye patch.

"You can have the sad guy
with the regular socks."

That's cute that you think socks are
the reason you get picked last.

I've worked for 20 years
for this moment.

I wanna look the part.
And you will,

but I need your opinion
on something first, okay?

- All right.
- Okay.

Pick my brain.

So I'm about to get this
promotion at work.

- Uh-huh.
- I know it. Everybody knows it.

But when they make
the announcement,

I wanna, like, look surprised
and then humble, you know?

I've been working on it
in the mirror.

So just tell me what
you think, all right?

Um, tell me I got the promotion.

"And the new...
whatever the thing is

"goes to... Donna Gable."

Wha...

Oh, my God...

- Oh.
- Okay.

Really?

Okay.

You gotta... You gotta
take it down a notch.

Really?

Your eyebrows, they're...
Everything...

They're all over the place.

Okay, but I can't just stand there
like an idiot. I gotta do something.

Just do what I do.
I go from double guns

into prayer hands
under the chin.

I do a face bow out into a point.
Like, "What's up?"

I like that.

Yeah, whatever.
Where are my socks? Come on.

- Ooh, on top of the dryer.
- Oh. Great, thanks.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- Yeah.

Hmm?

Mmm.

Hey!

Okay, so...

Not a good fit.

Oh. Well, that's okay.

It was a great fit!

- Do you see that? What I did there?
- Yeah.

Okay. Stock options,
a 6-figure salary,

and a signing bonus for $10,000.

- That is unbelievable.
- Right?

- Mwah!
- Wow. Okay.

So this is amazing,
because I have news, too.

I got accepted to my dream
school, Columbia Law.

What? That's fantastic!

It's way too expensive,

but it is really cool to
know that I got accepted.

No, no. Look,
when Nozzler goes public,

money is no longer an issue.

We'll... And this is
gonna be the best part.

Seeing your father's face when
I give him this rent check.

Grab your phone.
This is gonna be epic.

Yes! Donna, I got 'em!
Awesome!

Mr. Gable, I present to you a rent
check for six months paid in full.

Thank you very much.

♪♪

- To Fantasy Camp, huh?
- Yeah.

- Come on.
- Fantasy camp, baby.

- Whoo!
- Going to Mets Camp, are ya?

That's always been
a dream of mine.

You know, I played
Minor League ball.

I had no idea.

Yeah, yeah. If you ever
showed a little interest

in my personal life,
I probably would've told ya.

Uh, well, hey,
have a great trip.

Hey, Enzo.

Yeah?
Wait a second.

This was supposed
to have meatball on it.

I just want to make sure.

Yeah, whatever. You know
what I'm talkin' about.

Whoa! Cellucci.

- What are you doing here?
- We gotta see Domingo again.

- What?
- Yes, in his apartment right now.

No, I can't. We're going
to Mets Fantasy Camp.

Oh, now you're just
twisting the knife now.

No, tonight we got the
"Good 'N Plenty Barbecue"

with Doc Gooden and then we
got drinks on the piazza.

Let me guess...
with Mike Piazza?

No, Tim Teufel.

Look, this case
is on the 1 yard line.

I just need you
for one hour. Tops.

One hour, all right?
I'll meet you guys at JFK.

Kyle, grab my luggage.

♪♪

Hey.

The massage is almost over.

Stella just has
to crack my feet.

Gonna be a few minutes.

No problem, Domingo. If you don't
care of your feet, who will?

I love my feet.

I'll be back.
Yeah, good to know.

I like your feet.

What are you doing?
Are you out of your mind?

I got a flight to catch
in an hour.

Okay. I'm sorry.

Why don't I just waltz in there
and tell a half-naked crime lord,

"Uh, my fake husband has to
get on a plane to Florida

"to play grab-ass with
his stupid friends!"?

And some retired Mets. There's
a lot of people down there.

It's big event.
It's a big event.

You're unbelievable,
you know that?

You worm your way into my case
and now you wanna tell me,

- you wanna tell me...
- Whoa, wait a second.

- Wait a second. Your case?
- Yeah.

Okay... This is my case!

I didn't worm my way into anything.

Believe me, they called me
in here because someone

was droppin' the ball.
Oh, yeah. You.

- Wow.
- Don't...

- Wow.
- No, no, no, don't you do it.

- Don't "wow"?
- Yeah, don't do... You don't "wow" me.

- Wow.
- You don't "wow" me.

- Wow.
- I "wow" you. I "wow"...

- Oh, you "wow" me?
- Yeah, yeah, I "wow" you.

- You "wow" me?
- Well, listen!

I am this close
to solving this case.

- Don't screw it up.
- Okay.

Okay, can you lower
your voice, please?

'Cause it is booming!

Shut... up!

The place could be bugged.

No, look around, dummy.

- I am looking. Look with your eyes!
- Oh!

- That's how you look.
- Shut up!

Hey, I got it.

The giraffe.

Okay...

You don't say "giraffe."

You point to the giraffe.
You point to it.

You just said it twice.
Oh, my God! Just...

- Check the stupid giraffe.
- You said...

- That's three times right there.
- Okay, okay!

Fine!

Crap!

♪♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

When did we get there?

Oh, it's just a little thing
I picked up yesterday.

I know you enjoy
the occasional cappuccino

to put a little pep
in your step.

Oh, Chale, you shouldn't have.
Those things are so expensive.

But since you did,
let's put some cinnamon

in this mamma jamma, huh?

- Um, hey, babe.
- Hmm?

Did you buy this for me?

Oh, uh, I'm not really good with purses.
Is that a good one?

Um, that's a Coach bag.
That's like 400 bucks.

Eh... Mmm.

What?

Wow. I've been married
20 years

and I'm walking around
with an Assistant Coach bag.

Ah. I'm not familiar
with that brand.

Kevin got it for me at
the Tri County Flea Market.

Um, he got that
and my Alvin Klein luggage.

Whoa. Wait, babe,
there's $200 in here.

Huh?

Eh, I just wanted you
to have a good day.

I feel like a mob wife.

In a good way.

Oh, Chale, you might wanna
pump the brakes a little bit.

Look, I'm just trying
to show everyone

how much I appreciate them.

It's not... Oh.
I almost forgot.

Jackie!

Yeah?

Here's a few slices of cheddar
for you to get that video game.

I am diggin' rich Chale!

In this house,
money buys affection.

Don't hate the player,
hate the game.

What the hell did you do?

I barely touched it, all right?

- It was halfway falling off already.
- Well, then fix it!

Okay, let me just get out
my ceramic giraffe repair kit.

I need something sticky.

Give me some gum.
Give me some gum.

I don't even think I have any.

Oh, please.
You're from Massapequa.

Your name's Vanessa Cellucci.
You got gum.

Come on. Hurry up.

What flavor is this?

Passion bubble.

Passion bubble? What are you, 12?

Be right out, guys!
Just putting on pants.

Oh, no rush!

- Hurry up.
- I'm hurrying.

Okay, give me...

Not enough. Give me some more.
Give me more.

It's not sticky enough.
Come on.

Okay, just give me your gum.
Give me... Oh, it's so gross.

- Oh, it's like a river in there.
- All right, shut up!

- Hey.
- Thank you so much for waiting.

Who wants drinks?

Oh, you know what?
I think we're good,

because we're in a bit
of a time crunch, so...

All right, well,
let's get into it.

This weekend is our biggest
art show in Boston.

We thought maybe we could
do some business there.

We would...
We would love that.

Perfect. So it's settled.
You're coming tomorrow. Boston.

Oh, snag. No, no, I mean,
I can't make it this weekend,

- but I think you can, right, hon?
- Yes, I can.

Oh, there you go.
It's gonna be great.

And Boston's such
an awesome town, right?

"Hey, Tommy, did
you touch Bobby's lobster?"

"I did not touch
Bobby's lobster.

"Bobby touched
his own lobster."

It's a great city.

No, no, we'll all go together.

We'll make it a couples weekend.

Yes!

Oh, you know,
I'd love to, Domingo.

But I gotta throw you
a "no can do."

Uh, honey.

I think the... The doctor can
look at that rash anytime.

Mmm. That's not true,
because I called them

- and they wouldn't move my appointment.
- Mmm.

And it's pretty irritating.

- Yeah, he can move the appointment.
- He can't.

- He'll be there.
- I'm not gonna be there...

- so I'm not gonna make it.
- He'll be there.

- He's gonna be there.
- Sorry, I'm not gonna make it.

Sorry. I can't do it. Nope.

Not having you both there would
be a major disappointment.

You know what?

Maybe this isn't the right fit.

All right, you know what?

You won this,
my little care bear.

You won this one.

She kicked the table.
I saw her...

Why would you do that?

♪♪

Oh, come on.
Don't do this to me.

I don't wanna know
what's going on down there.

Drinking beers
with Mookie Wilson!

Mookie! Ah!

Oh, come on.
That should be me!

Hey, if it makes you feel
any better,

I'm having a hell of a time.
Enzo!

- Enzo!
- Enzo's down there?

I taught Mike Piazza
how to make a calzone.

Tomorrow, he's treating
us all to spray tans.

Except me.

- Hey, babe. How you doin'?
- I'm missing everything.

Oh, yeah.
But on the bright side,

you get to spend
a night in Boston.

You could do your whole...

"Did you
touch Tommy's lobster?" bit.

I already did it at Domingo's.
It crushed.

I got nothing to look
forward to.

I tell you what I'm doing.
I'm going to Wahlburgers.

That's what's happening.

Hey, you know, it's obvious that
they need you to solve this case.

Okay, that's not true.

Why else would they pull
a guy out of retirement

unless he's essential?

You know...

You know, I do...

I have abilities that a lot
of the other guys, they...

They just don't have, and...

He's useless.

I'm actually the centerpiece
of this whole case.

Maybe we'll get lucky
and he'll get food poisoning.

Hey, maybe I'll even
win a medal.

Some kind of like civilian thing for
coming in at the last minute there.

Yeah, and you know what?
You would deserve it.

He is such a moron.

Donna, you married a good man.

Sometimes I lose sight of that.
Thank you. Thank you.

Mwah.

♪♪
Synchronized by srjanapala