Kevin Can Wait (2016-2018): Season 1, Episode 18 - Neighborhood Watch - full transcript

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Hey.

Just ask him.

No, I don't want to bother him.

Ask him!

Fine.

Mr. Gable, uh,
if you're going to Enzo's tonight,

perhaps I could join you for a pint.

Why would we do that?

Come on, Dad. It'll be nice.

And you never hang out with Chale.

We're hanging out right now!



We're... We're awkward kitchen buddies.

It's kind of like our thing, right?

Absolutely.

What we've got works for us,
right, Mr. Gable?

Mm-hmm.

Why do you always set me up for failure?

Hey, I just set you up.
The fail part was all you.

Hey, honey, no one's
going to Enzo's today.

Remember... My cousin Irene is coming,

and you said you'd entertain
Stuart while we catch up.

Ohhh.

That's right... Stuart Borington.

Don't tell me they're staying the night.

I won't. They're staying three nights.



But we do a catch a break during the day

because he's got a
convention in the city.

No, I... I can't do it!

The guy's brutal, all right?

He sucks the life out of you.

His stories are pointless,
and on top of that...

he keeps a journal.

A lot of people keep a journal.

A dream journal.

Still, it's not so bad.

And he tells you about them.

Yes, okay, he's a little bit rough,

but he's nowhere near as
bad as your Uncle Lou.

Uncle Lou? That man is a saint.

Okay, that man is over three bills

and walked around our
backyard in a Speedo.

That wasn't a Speedo.
They were regular shorts.

It's just, once he starts walking,

everything turns into a Speedo.

It gets sucked up into the vortex.

Oh. Rootger's here.

- Come in!
- From next door?

No... Rutger Hauer,
star of "Blade Runner."

Hi.

Good morning, friends.

I, uh, hate to pee-pee
in your Corn Flakes

this early in the morning,
but look what I find.

- Are you kidding me?!
- Yeah.

I just made that Jets mailbox.

What kind of animal would do this?

The kind that wants to up property
values in the neighborhood?

Too soon, Donna. Too soon.

Well, we should call the police.

Oh, yeah, hey, that's a good idea.

"Hey, uh, could you get me the police?"

"Uh, sir, you are the police."

"That's right. I keep forgetting.

"My wife makes me call"...

Okay, all right, honey.

Uh, you're retired.
You're not the police anymore.

Do you want me to call them back?

'Cause I'll call them back.
I have the number, all right?

What are we gonna do?
We got to do something about this,

'cause whoever did this
thinks they got away with it.

There's just gonna go for it again.

You know what? I'm gonna call the guys.

We're gonna set up like
a neighborhood watch.

I want in.

Criminals...

They're like those, uh,
bugs that come into your house.

Now, what do you call them? Um...

In Holland, we call them kakkerlakken.

- Kakkerlakken?
- Yeah, kakkerlakken.

They come in, and they go...

Oh, like termites?

No. No, no, no.

Crickets. He's talking about crickets.

No crickets, no crickets.

It's kakkerlakken. You know, they...

Kakkerlakken. Oh, okay.

Kakkerlakken.

- Kakkerlakken!
- Oh, kakkerlakken!

- Kakkerlakken!
- Right!

- Oh, yeah, we have those, too.
- Okay, yeah.

- All right.
- I'll see you tonight.

- Okay.
- All right!

Okay, but not tonight... Stuart.

Don't worry, sweetheart.
It's not gonna take long. I promise.

And then tomorrow night, I will be back

and I will hang out
with Stuart Borington.

Stop calling him that,
because you say it like a joke,

and it's gonna slip out when he's here.

I mean, do I need to remind you about

that wonderful Thanksgiving
we spent with my Aunt Skanky?

She's 72 and she's wearing a tube top.

She earned that nickname.

So, I'm riding through this castle

on the back of a velvet camel,

but we're moving super-slow

because the floors are made of yogurt.

Wow.

That is quite the dream right there.

You know what... It's
actually time for me

to get on my velvet camel,

'cause I got to go out
and fight some crime.

Uh, we have a little
problem in the neighborhood.

Oh, that's terrible!

You know, our neighbors
were making methamphetamine.

- What?!
- Yes.

The FBI came, there were helicopters,

this big shootout.

A couple people died!

So, what's going on here?

It's kind of a, uh,
it's a mailbox situation.

But, I mean, crime's crime, right?
I mean, so...

All right, uh,
I'll see you guys later, then.

Oh, no. One sec, Kev.

Before you leave,
I kind of wanted to tell you about

our luggage fiasco at the airport.

Whoop! That's my phone vibrating.

- That's a call to action right there.
- Okay.

- It's on the table, honey.
- Yep.

Saw it moving.

Hey! Chale. Uh, this is Stuart.

He's got a great story
for you about luggage.

Oh. And you know what?

This is a great time to show you

the bathroom we wanted to remodel.

Great!

Do you keep a dream journal?

Man, these goggles are unbelievable!

I have the vision of a barn owl.

All right, so, what's the plan here?

Should we split into teams?

No, no, no, no.

If they see us,
we'll scare them off, all right?

I've set up the new mailbox.

Now we just got to wait for the
kakkerlakken to take the bait.

Then we stomp them.

I like it!

- And dead.
- Mm-hmm.

Is that Dawson?

Gable?

What are you guys doing?

Just talking. Sorry. Is that a problem?

It is when I get a complaint
about four creepy guys

sitting in a car with binoculars.

Night-vision goggles.

And I can see your tonsils.

Wait. Are you guys on,
like, some sort of stakeout?

That is adorable.

Somebody trashed my mailbox last night,
all right?

We didn't want to
bother you guys with it,

so we thought we'd handle it ourselves.

Man, I heard about the retired
guys missing the action,

but this is sad.

Why don't you guys go get,
like, a hobby or something?

I used to play pinochle on Fridays.

Guys, let's keep the
weirdness to a minimum.

Okay.

10-91. It's all clear.

Just four old guys sitting in a car.

Come on, he's right. This is ridiculous!

Yeah, if we're looking for a guy,

- let's go out and look for him.
- Yeah!

Whoa, whoa.

Hold some phones.

Here comes a kid on a bike.

Is that a golf club?

That's our guy. Let's go!

Whoa, whoa, wait.
Let's just take a minute, all right?

What do you mean?

Let's kick him off the bike,

hold him down till we get some answers.

- I like Rootger.
- Yeah, let's move.

Wait, wait, wait! Guys,
guys, it's not him.

How do you know?

Because it was me.

What?

You trashed your own mailbox?

I did.

Honestly...

this is a twist I did not see coming.

So, you knock down your own mailbox

and start up a neighborhood watch

to avoid hanging out with
Donna's annoying relatives?

All right. We're caught up

You're sick.

Sick or brilliant?

For a 30 buck mailbox,

I came up with the
greatest escape plan ever.

Great for you, but why do we
have to be out in the cold?

'Cause you're part of the illusion.

Oh, yeah, well, here's
an illusion for you.

Keep thinking I'm in your back seat,
'cause I'm leaving!

Yeah, I could be in the
comfort of my own home.

Oh, really? How comfortable
are you gonna be

when Didi makes you give
her a two-hour foot rub?

Not cool!

I told you that in private!

She has circulation
issues! You know this!

So, you do want to be there
or you don't want to be there?

Now, I'm confused!

- I don't want to be there!
- Okay!

Everybody stop your babies crying.

I can fix this.

Now, this is how you do a stakeout.

- Fake stakeout.
- Yeah.

Wow, man, this is a sweet R.V.

Where'd you get this thing?

You know that game show
"The Price is Right"?

You were on that?

No, no, no, my brother's best friend,
Dennis, was.

Long story short...
couldn't pay the taxes, got deported,

dang dang dang, bada bing, bada boom...

Well, here we are.

Look at this! You got beer,
vodka... you got everything!

Well, you know what they say...
"Go home or go big," right?

Actually, I think it's
"Go big or go home."

I don't think so.

You're probably right,
you're probably right, yeah.

All right, boys, who wants a cold one?

- Hit me up!
- Yeah!

Got to admit, Rootger,
this place is pretty cool.

Pretty cool? I'll tell you what's cool.

35 speakers...

and a subwoofer in the couch.

Whoa-ho!

Whoa! Yeah!

- Hey!
- Hey.

How'd it go out there? Any luck?

Uh, no.

Um, we thought we caught the guy,

but it turned out it was just a possum

eating fish sticks out
of the garbage can.

Oh.

We'll get them, uh, tomorrow.

Tomorrow? No!

Honey, tomorrow,
Irene and I are having girls night,

and you're supposed to
take Stuart off our hands.

Okay, I'll do it.

Okay, look, I know that it's painful,

Honey. But I...

Take "yes" for an answer, hmm?

- Right. Okay.
- All right?

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Thank you. Let's go to bed.

Okay. I will be right up.

I'm, uh, gonna get a water.

- Do you need anything, or...?
- Oh, no, I'm good.

- Okay, good.
- I'll see you.

Hey.

Chale, I-I need to ask you a favor.

I can't sit with Stuart anymore.
He's insufferable.

This favor will make it so we
never have to see Stuart again.

- Whatever it is, I want in.
- Good.

There's a sledgehammer in the shed...

Oh, Mr. Gable, I can't! That is too far!

I don't want you to hurt him.

I just want you to knock
down the new mailbox.

Why?

So tomorrow night, we
can be back on patrol,

far away from the dream-weaver.

Brilliant!

Mm.

But what if I get caught?

You won't,
because you're smart and you're sneaky.

I mean, look how long you've lived here,

and I... I've barely noticed you, right?

- That's true.
- Yes.

All right.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Kevin!
- Hey!

Honey, you're not gonna believe this.

They got us again!

Are you kidding me?!

You... You turn your
head for one second...

Yeah, and not only that,

but someone put a giant bag of
garbage on your front stoop.

Oh, actually, that was me. I'm sorry.

I forgot to take it out. I totally...

Maybe you and the guys
should go back out there.

No! You guys got your girls night out!

Well, we'll figure it out.

All right, I got to call the guys,

tell them we're back on, I guess.

And that's when the guy said,
"That's not my gate."

- No, he didn't!
- He said, "That's not my gate."

Ooh! Nachos are ready, guys.

Up next... Mini egg rolls.

How you making out over there, Chale?

Martinis are done.

Hey, hey!

And we also have Rootger's
vermouth spritzer.

Hey, if you're going to the dance,
fix your hair up nice.

Am I right?

Yes, you are. All right.

Hey, so,
how many mailboxes did you go through?

Uh, just the two. I
destroyed the first one.

Chale got the second.

Hey! Way to step up, Chale.
You're all right, man.

Thank you.

And, uh, I am very grateful to Mr. Gable

for having the confidence in me
to let me join his crime spree.

Ooh! Can you set my
garbage pails on fire?

My mother has a mah-jongg
group coming over on the 18th.

Actually,
that week is a bit of a bear for me,

but, uh, I can juggle.

I need you the beginning of May.

Didi's mother's turning 90.

She wants a bounce house.

She's pretty much cottage
cheese up there now.

Okay.

Guys, guys, look, there's enough
fake vandalism to go around

for everybody, all right?

Yeah, you're right.

- Yeah, to Kev. Huh?
- The mastermind.

No, to freedom, huh?

Freedom!

And to me, the mastermind! Ha!

So, this is our wheaten terrier.

She's 13, but she acts so much younger.

Yeah, I mean,
if it weren't for the milky eyes,

she'd look like a puppy.

Yeah, you know, guys,
I really got to study, so...

No, no, no, you're good. You can stay.

Oh, no, Mom. You know I can't
'cause I got that... that test.

But you already get straight A's,
you brainiac.

So sit down.

She works so hard.

You're hurting me.

And here she is eating a bully stick.

She cannot get enough of that one.

Oh, honey, nobody wants to see that.

Show them the one at the beach.

Yeah, go forward.

Go forward.

Go forward.

Not that one.

Go forward.

No, go forward.

Go forward.

That's... No.

Go forward.

Yeah, almost.

No. I think it's a different folder?

Go forward. Go forward.

Okay, I got to go!

Here she is. Oh!

- Aw.
- What a day.

Man, I wish Kevin were here to see this.

So do I.

- Ohh!
- Wha!

Oh!

Oh, ah! Oh!

- That's water! That was water!
- Boom!

Oh!

- Oh, oh, oh.
- Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Hoo! Ooh, ooh!

Ohh!

Oh!

Goody is the new champion!

Stuart.

Sounds like you guys
are having a lot of fun.

Room for one more?

Oof. Buzzkill.

So, now we're at the carousel.

Still no sign of our bags.

I look over at the,
uh, rental car outlet.

What do you think I see?

Your bags?

Yes. Both of them.

How wild is that?!

Boy, that story just laid
there like a dead fish.

Just me?

You know what? We're getting
so caught up listening to Stu.

Um, Duff, when is...
When is the next patrol?

Oh. Uh...

You know what? That's right now.

Yeah. Uh, Goody, you're up.

Wait a second.
No, you... You went already, right?

Yeah. Oh, then you, uh...

Everybody's been around the horn.

Um, uh, Stu, you want to give it a shot?

You want me to go out?

Yeah, I mean, look, we went out already,

and none of us had any luck,

so, uh... yeah.

- I'm in.
- Okay.

- What do I do?
- Well, you just... you go out,

you head north, right,
and then you loop it back around.

You come back south, and you just,
like, repeat that...

s-seven times.

Got it!

Oh, hey, and if, uh, you get lost,

you just, uh, follow the moon.

So, what am I looking for?

Oh, uh, well, the guy

knocked down my mailbox, uh, twice.

It's a Jets mailbox, so it's, um...
I'd look for somebody

who's not a Jet fan, I guess, right?

Yeah.

All right.

Oh, my God.

Man, that guy can kill a room.

I have a video of a
bear on a trampoline.

What are we waiting for?

Let's do it.

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

That bear just did a flip!

Wow, that's amazing!

Legs get stuck in the springs.

Fur goes everywhere.

Camera guy gets too close.

Oh, yeah, bear gets angry.

I got to stop this.
It gets a little dark.

Who is it?

It's Stuart! I found him!

I know who did it!

No doubt about it.

This vehicle belongs to
the guy you're looking for.

I-I-I don't... I don't think so, man.

Kevin, come on. Look.

There's a Patriots sticker right there,

and out in front, there's a little dent

where he hit the mailbox!

T-This car belongs to Mr. Ferguson.

L-Let's just go back to the RV. Come on.

No. Not this time.

What are you doing?

Serving justice!

What?! There's no justice! No!

No! Stuart!

Stuart! He didn't do it!

Mr. Ferguson... he's in a wheelchair!

Don't believe the sticker.

That's for good parking.

Kevin, I'm gonna do
what I should have done

to those meth heads in Santa Fe...

Take back the neighborhood!

That felt great!

Quick... Let's get out of here.

Whoa. That guy is sick in the melon.

Okay, look, we... We
got to fix those tires

a-and replace the window... Quick.

All right, w-what's the name
of that 24-hour glass place?

The one that advertises all the time.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, the
name's in the jingle in the song.

It's, uh...

♪ We're there for you ♪

No, no, no, no. You're going up.
You should go down.

♪ Something, something auto glass ♪

♪ Brand-new glass will
make you feel merry ♪

♪ At our new location in West... ♪

♪ Westbury ♪

♪ Westbury Auto Glass! ♪

You did it!

Oh.

My green card's a little sketchy.

I got to go.

All right, so, I've been through
everything with Mr. Ferguson,

and, uh, he's willing
to drop the charges.

As long as you guys pay for
the car window and tires.

Oh, absolutely.

Oh, and the fence.

The fence?

- It's a long story.
- Uh-huh.

Mr. Ferguson,
I-I-I just want to say I'm sorry,

and I personally want to
thank you for your service

and let you know that your
sacrifices for our country

do not go unnoticed.

Oh, this.

Uh, no, I was in Costa Rica ziplining.

I overshot the pool.

Either way, you have our thanks.

Guess who missed their flight!
But good news.

I got a couple hours to
tell you a whale of a story.

First of all, Irene is in tears.

I'm saying to her, "Irene, what?
Is it the dog?"

Is it the cat? We
don't even have a cat."

See, I'm trying to make her laugh.
I'm getting out.

She's not laughing.

I said to her, "Listen to me.
We have options."

We have money. I don't have a great job.

I've got a good job.
I can afford another flight.

Next thing I know, I might not
be able to get another flight.

Turns out there are weather conditions

that one is not always "in control of."

I do remember thinking to
myself there was one time

where I was considering
being a pilot myself.

That way, I wouldn't have to
be dependent on other people.

Chances are it's something I could do...

That way, I wouldn't have to
be dependent on other people.