Kevin Can Wait (2016-2018): Season 1, Episode 17 - Unholy War - full transcript

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Hey, okay, Mom, um,

Chale just got off the
phone with his parents.

Oh, please tell me June
17th works for the wedding.

Luckily, my mother had to pull out

of her archery tournament.

She refuses to wear her new glasses,

and last month, she killed a dairy cow.

S-So...?

So, what Chale is trying to say is,
we're good.

The 17th is on.

Okay, great!



So, we got... we got
parents, we got deejay,

we got reception hall.

Yeah, not only does that date work,

it's the only date that does work.

Hey, honey, um,
looks like June 17th for the wedding,

so let's talk to Father Philip
about reserving the church.

Hold up. The 17th?

Nobody checked with me.

My dance card is pretty full. Hold on.

Yeah, no go.

Mets are playing the Padres,

and I'm probably going with the boys.

You'd choose a Met game over
your daughter's wedding?

You think I would really do that?



You're my little peanut, and I love you.

Come on.

You just realized it's an away game,
didn't you?

I did. They're in San Diego.

♪ I am not your ordinary guy ♪

Mass is really packed.

I-I... It's gonna be
tough finding a spot.

Yeah, well, that's why I said
we should have left earlier.

Ooh, ooh!
Family getting in an SUV right there.

Yeah, exactly... It's a family, Donna.

That's three kids you
got to get buckled in,

hand out juice boxes before
you even start the car.

It's a whole ordeal.

Oh, oh! Dad, look.

11:00...
single male headed towards his Corolla.

Yep. I'm on it.

That guy? He's on his phone.

Yeah. He's got pep in his step.

He's got things going on. I like it.

He's already in his car.

Ah! I think you're making a mistake.

Kids are already in their seats.
They have their juice.

Yeah, that family's
pulling out any second.

Are you kidding me?
He's adjusting the mirrors.

Oh, come... It's a straight backup, guy!
Yes.

Car's about to pull out.

You already got it in reverse!

Take your foot off the brake, idiot!

- Church parking lot, Dad.
- Yep. Gotcha.

The space is open. Go, go, go!

- All right.
- [Engine revs]

- [Tires screech]
- Oh, man!

Aah! Old lady.

Really, Mrs. Dooley?!

With your big calves.

Hustle!

[Horn honks]

Did you see that?
He pulled in right in front of me!

That was my spot! That son of a...

Church, Dad! Yep. Gotcha.

Don't we know that guy?

That's Terry Labasco.

Who's Terry Tabasco?

Labasco. He's this guy your
dad hates from high school.

I don't hate him, okay?
I don't hate anybody.

Hey, we don't use that
word "hate" in this family.

K-Gable! Hey, Meatball!

Were you waiting for that spot?

Did you beep?

I can't hear a thing in my Benz.

With those Bose speakers playing,

it sounds like Tony
Bennett's in the back seat.

[Both laugh]

It's fine.
I-I'll just find another place to park.

Okay. If I was you, I'd
park it at Dunkin' Donuts.

That way, you can kill a
couple of birds with one stone.

[Both laugh]

Man, I hate that guy.

♪

All right, now, your mother and
I got to talk to Father Philip,

so, uh,
why don't you go find some seats, okay?

Okay.

Terry! I hear Bridget's engaged!

Congratulations!

Thank you, Father.

We are so excited.

Um, we'd like to reserve
the church for June 17th.

I'm sorry... June 17th?

Yeah, um, 'cause that
actually was the date

that we wanted to reserve
for Kendra's wedding, so...

Well, you know,
we call this in theology "awkward."

Well, Father, I did kind of ask first.

Wait... But I... But I waved,

and I kind of wiggled my fingers,

which is sign language for
"We need to talk," so...

Um, I've got a ton of deaf friends.

Pretty sure that's not true.

Okay, look, you stole my parking spot.

You're not stealing
our wedding date, okay?

I didn't take your spot, Gable.

I just didn't want to be late for Mass,

like some families are.

Okay. I was waiting for Mrs. Dooley.

I try every day to put
others before me...

Mostly because of your
teachings, Father.

Thank you, Kevin, but, guys,
this is not a competition.

- Of course not.
- No!

It's just that the thing is,

our son-in-law's parents,

they are traveling from England,

and so it's really the only date

that works for all of us.

I got peeps coming from Wichita.

Wichita.

I could ride a bike from Wichita, okay?

Enough with the eyes, okay? I get it.

The bottom line is,
I cannot budge on the date.

- Well, neither can we.
- But...

Well, then, we've got ourselves
a situation, pork chop.

Well, then, maybe we do,

- because, listen to me...
- Well, well...

Guys, guys, guys, please.
Let me think about this.

I'm running on two hours' sleep.

Sister Mary polished off the Red Bull.

I will get back to you.

- Absolutely. Thank you, Father.
- God bless. Thank you, Father.

- Thank you.
- Y-yes. God bless you, Father.

God bless you all.
And everybody here at Saint Rocco's.

Everybody. Blessings,
blessings. Blessings.

♪

Congratulations to Father Benedict,

who crushed in the dance competition

at the parish picnic.

Pfft! Robot. Who knew?

Unfortunately, he did shatter his knee,

so, bottom line,
he's not gonna be able to host

this Saturday's pancake breakfast.

So if I can get someone to fill in,

I'd really owe them.

Sign-up sheet for that is on the
bulletin board in the hallway.

It's also time for our
annual mission trip.

[Suspenseful music plays]

If you've never been a part of this,

I'm telling you, it's
a life-changing event.

This year, we will be
heading to Guatemala

to help the people there.

We're roughing it.

Hey, hey!

No, no, no, no, no!

You looking for this?

Well, you ain't got a
shot at getting that date.

You know why?
'Cause once Father Philip sees me...

teach breastfeeding
to first-time mothers?

Oh. Meatball, you grabbed the wrong one.

Now while you're busy
taking off your blouse,

I'll be flipping and
dishing out pancakes

all the way to my kid's wedding.

Sweet.

♪

Hey, baby. I made you lunch.

Whoa. Nice tool belt.

Is that the last belt you got that fits?

[Stammers mockingly]

Just doing a little
volunteering down at the church.

From time to time, I like to give back.

[Chuckles] Since when?

Ah, it's been, what, uh,
got to be three days, huh, hon?

Since we've been trying
to lock down the date

for your wedding.

Wait... "trying"? Is there a problem?

We didn't want to tell
you, but the Labascos

kind of want the same date
for their daughter's...

[Babbles]

We're gonna get you the date, all right?

And you know why?

'Cause good things
happen to good people,

and we... We're good people.

Exactly.

Now, if Terry Labasco
tries any crap today,

you take him down.

Oh, he's going down "good people" style.

Dad, the Gables have
assured me June 17th,

so, uh, we can lock you in.

Well, consider me locked, then.

Uh-oh!

What is that I feel behind me?

Hello, Chalie-puss!

[Chuckles] Hello, Mums.

Hi, guys! [Giggles]

Oh. Hello, Kendra.

Hello.

I see you're in your waitress uniform.

- Uh...
- Okay, uh, I'll let you guys go,

and, uh, I'll see you on the 17th.

Bye-bye, Chalie-puss! [Smooches]

Bye, guys! I can't wait to see...

you.

[Chuckles]

You know, if I didn't know any better,

I'd say your parents
aren't crazy about me.

Hey, that's not true!

Okay, maybe they're
not 100% sold on you.

Sold on me?
Well, you're the one doing the selling.

I mean, what are you telling them?

Well, I've been hitting the
law-school thing pretty hard,

but they really locked in
on the pizza-waitress thing.

Oh, and the short temper.

Short temper?!

Yeah, that one.

So it's true... They don't like me.

Well, look,
at least my parents are in England,

so we just tap a button
and they go away.

What's that supposed to mean?

Just that you have to suffer
a Skype for 30 seconds,

and I have had to suffer for a year.

[Scoffs] Like it's been that bad.

What?!

With your father?

[As Kevin] "Oh, uh, guy, guy!
That's the good bologna."

Yeah, don't touch it.

Guy, if that's the last
ice cream sandwich,

"I'm gonna end your life."

[Normal voice] He threatened
to kill me over ice cream.

Is it really that hard to take?

They let you live here for free.

Oh, great. Thank you for reminding me.

No one's said that to me in,
like, over 12 minutes.

All right, you know what?
I got to go to work.

I just came in here to kiss you goodbye.

Oh, great. Well, let's tick
that off your to-do list.

Fine!

Mmm!

Oh, fireworks!

Yeah, right back at you, Chalie-puss.

♪

Oh, hey, Father Philip.

Dimmer switch is installed.

Oh, a little late-night Bible reading,

but you don't have enough light?

You just kick it up a notch.

Oh... Some older nuns visiting,

not quite the lookers they once were.

You bring it down.

Very nice, Kevin. Thank you.

Uh, Father,
I noticed that the door was creaking,

so I replaced the hinges,

and you know what they sound like now?

That.

Father, I put up those
pictures right there,

so I just want you to know that.

Did you use a level, Kevin?

They look a little
crooked. Maybe it's me.

No, it's you. They're perfect.

All right, guys, listen...

The church appreciates all
the work that you've done,

but I think maybe it's
time we call it a day.

- Absolutely, Father.
- I agree. I agree.

Although, Father,
I did notice a few marks on the floor.

I could buff those out in
the blink of an eyeball.

Really not necessary.

[Rock music plays]

Hey, Gable!

That's a cute little
machine you got there.

My grandma's got one just like it.

They let her use one of these in prison?

Yeah, you know what, Labasco?

You're not winning this thing. I am.

Why don't you do yourself and
that poor machine a favor?

Unsaddle, go home,
pick another wedding date.

Not happening.

Here's something you
don't know about me.

What, your cholesterol's under 550?

No... I never give up!

Rrrrrrrr!!

[Grunting]

Hey! Hey! Hey!

What is going on?

Gable's out of control, Father.
He's been...

No, I-I was just cleaning the floors.

Just be more careful.
I have a lot on my plate today.

Sister Connie's sick,

and I have no one to
teach her Catechism class.

Oh, I think you do.

♪

I am Mr. Gable, and I will be
filling in for Sister Connie,

who's a little bit under the weather.

Is Sister going to die?

What?

Oh. No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, I guess someday,
she's gonna die.

I mean, we're all gonna
die someday, right?

We're gonna die?

Uh, you know what? Let's switch it up.

Everybody stand up.
We're gonna stretch it out.

Let's stretch things out...
Let's get the arms going,

get some blood flowing.

Now let's go the other way,
circles back the other way.

This is weird.

No, no, no. This is Catechism.

Aren't we supposed to be
learning about religion?

Okay, fine. Everybody sit down.

Okay, let's... Let's
talk about religion.

Uh...

What do you want to know?

Is God real? 'Cause my
uncle says he's not.

Of course God's real.

How do you know?

Well, um...

Okay.

♪

1986... The Mets are one out away

from losing the World Series
to the Boston Red Sox.

Mookie Wilson hits an easy ground ball

towards first base that will end it all.

Across town, a wiry 16-year-old
from Massapequa says a prayer,

and God heard me.

'Cause He opened the legs
of the great Bill Buckner,

that ball rolled through,
and the Mets won the Series.

Um, didn't people also pray
for the Red Sox to win?

Mm, apparently, not hard enough, right?

[Chuckles]

- Kevin?
- Oh.

I was kind of hoping you'd
stick to the source material.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Um, I hit them with a
little straight talk,

and then I get to this stuff.

Actually, Father, if
you don't mind, uh...

Kids, we know that God exists,

because, well, He is existence.

He's in every single one of us.

He's in our heart, He's in our minds,

His beauty's in the sun that rises,

and the moon that gives off
that perfect night light.

The fact that we exist is proof positive

that God Himself exists.

[Groans]

Actually, that is spot-on.

[Applause]

Oh, no, no. No, no.

That a-and... And the Mets.

The sun, the moon, and the Mets.

It's all spot-on. Spot-on.

♪

Hey.

We need to up our game.

What?

Labasco... He's leaving us in the dust.

I can't stand the guy!

Okay, all right.
Relax, because I'm way ahead of you.

There is a big fundraising
dinner at the church.

I'm gonna make a pan of my
famous teriyaki chicken.

Hmm?

Oof.

- What?
- Well, it's mostly famous

for me not being able to
go to work the next day.

Uh, what should I make, then?

Two words... lasagna.

Okay. [Snaps fingers] That's one word.

No, it's Italian. "La
zagna"... "the zagna."

[Door opens]

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

Um, okay, so, I-I know that you guys

have been trying really hard
to get that wedding date...

Yeah, and we're gonna get it for you.
You're good.

Yeah, well,
we were actually thinking, you know,

maybe it'd be better
to push it back a bit.

What's... the matter?

Well, it turns out Chale and I
still have a lot to talk about.

Y-Yes, this morning, we discovered

we have some issues festering
beneath the surface.

Okay, well,
you're getting married on the 17th,

so slap a Band-Aid on your issues, okay?

'Cause there's no way Terry Labasco

is winning this one.

♪

Hey. That's my spot.

What, are you trying to take my job?

[Laughs] That's a good one, Father.

No, no, no, I... I-I heard you saying

how run-down the
confessional was getting,

so I just... I just
wanted to fix the hinge,

and I replaced the ripped
cushion with a new one.

W-Why don't you give it a try?

All right.

Oh, wow! This is a sweet ride!

Huh?

Yeah.

Thank you, Kevin.

Don't thank me.

Thank the Lord. He's the one guiding me.

[Groans]

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

It's been three weeks
since my last confession.

Oh, uh, no, no. I'm n...

I have been very unkind
to a fellow parishioner.

It goes back to grade school.

Who knew that Kevin Gable would
turn out to be a good guy?

Go on.

Back in the day, I
was so jealous of him.

He was so funny.

He was a... He was a large boy.

Everybody loves the large boy, you know?

And now I'm just acting
like a jerk all over again,

because we want the same
stupid wedding date.

And I know, Father, I
should be charitable

and just let him have it.

But...

you know,
it just comes back to my heart issues,

my... my... my... My ticker.

My cardiologist wants
to try the baboon heart.

It's not gonna match.

They never match.

[Voice breaking] I just
want to last long enough

to see my little girl get married.

You know?

♪

[Sighs] Hey.

Hey!

Introducing Donna Gable's...

[Italian accent]
authentic Italian lasagna!

[Normal voice] Heads-up...
I may have lost an earring in that one.

Yeah, we got to give, uh,
Terry Labasco the date.

What?

Trust me, it means a lot more
to him than it does to us.

- What happened?
- [Exhales sharply]

I learned some stuff today...
Some personal stuff.

He... has a heart condition.

Really? Are you sure?

I'm sure. He was in
my confessional today.

What?

[Sighs] He thought I was a priest.

Look, if I walk you through it,

you'd realize it's not a big deal.

So... he's really sick?

Yeah, he might not even make
it to his daughter's wedding.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Oh, that's really sad.

It makes you think about stuff.

And this was a big, fat waste of time!

What are we gonna do
with all this lasagna?

I'll take care of it for you.

No. It's going to the church.

Absolutely. All right, I will
just load them in the car.

Not a chance.

Hey. Guys.

Um, okay, so, we just
wanted to apologize.

Yes. You were right, Mr. Gable.
We were being very silly.

Yeah, and we talked,

and we realized just how
much we love each other.

So we are good to go on the 17th!

Yeah, it's not gonna happen.
She'll fill you in on the deets.

♪

You're not gonna usher
your way to that date, pal.

Terry, you can have the date, okay?

What?

I already talked to Father Philip.

It's yours.

- Wow.
- Yeah, and you know what?

Enjoy the day, and...

Actually, enjoy every day.

Thanks.

My... My little girl...

She's just gonna be so hap... happy.

Yeah.

[Organ playing]

Linda. Hey.

I wanted to let you
know that Kevin and I

decided to give you guys the date.

Thank you.

Yeah, and...
and please know that I'm here for you.

O-Okay.

Also, I'm a nurse, so
if you need anything

or you want any referrals,
please reach out to me, okay?

What are you talking about?

[Clicks tongue]

Terry's heart condition.

Okay.

Thank you.

Oh, there you go. Beautiful. Thank you.

Thank you.

You know my situation.

Why would you do this to me?

He's lying.
He doesn't have a heart condition.

He played you.

He confessed.

No, he knew it was you.

I just talked to his wife.

I lit a candle for him!

Hey, Labasco, how you feeling?

What are you talking about?

I know you're not dying.

Oh, yeah? Who said I was?

"Father Kevin"?

Well, you know what?
You can kiss that date goodbye.

Oh, no. No. It's mine.

Never.

Mine.

[Sighs deeply]

[Dramatic music plays]

[Both grunting]

[Music stops]

Father.

[Music, grunting resume]

I was just trying to do
something nice for my daughter,

and... well, it got away from me.

Mm-hmm.

Of course, you know about the
stick fight outside the church.

That's probably why neither
family is getting the 17th.

Mm-hmm.

Is that a done deal, by the way?

Yes. Yeah.

Is that all?

Yes.

All right.

No.

About an hour ago,
I sat in a handicapped parking spot

and ate an entire tray of lasagna

that I promised my wife I
would give to the church.

So... there's nothing left?

There may be a corner.

There isn't.

♪