Kevin Can Wait (2016-2018): Season 1, Episode 16 - The Back Out - full transcript

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Uh, Mr. Gable, uh, the
carbon-monoxide alarm

was going off in my room last night.

Oh, hey, you know, that's, uh,
just a low-battery warning.

No, no, no. I think it's a
lot more serious than that.

Well, did it sound like this? Like...

Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!

Or was it more like a...

Neither. It was going...

Okay. That wasn't one of the choices.

If you're not gonna take this serious,

then I'm not taking it serious, either.



No, no, no, no, I'm taking it seriously!

That's what it sounded like!

That sounds like a velociraptor
about to have some pups.

Okay. Fine. Fine.

But just know this...
If it is carbon monoxide,

then while everyone's
taking their final breaths,

you will be making this wish.

“I wish I had listened to Chale.”

Yeah, well, as long as I don't have to

listen to Chale now, I-'ll...
I'll deal with that.

Hey! What are you doing? Get dressed.

Jackie and Peter will
be here in half-an-hour.

Thanks for the heads up.
I feel like an idiot now.

They're coming, and I dressed like this?



You got to help me out once again.

Who's Jack and Peter?

Jackie and Peter...
They're the nice couple we see

at mass every week.

Why do we need new friends?

Isn't that kind of
like a slap in the face

to the friends we
already have? You know?

Kind of like we're
saying, “You know what?

"We thought about it, and...
you're not good enough”"

Look, I love your friends,

but every time we go out with the guys,

all you do is you tell old cop stories.

I mean, seriously, how many times

can I listen to the Galaxy Bagels saga?

W-Wow. Wow!

I stop an armed robbery in progress,

I almost get shot,

but apparently, that story's
got not enough sizzle for you.

Okay. Because I've heard it 500 times.

I could tell it.
“So, the customers are on the floor,

and I'm hiding behind
the cream-cheese rack,

and time's running out,

but I know I need to do something...

- fast.”
- Okay.

I don't turn my head like that.

You do it exactly like that.

No, it's gonna be fun.

Uh, we're having a drink here,

and then we're gonna go to
the new Lebanese restaurant.

Oh, I don't like Lebanese food.

You've never had Lebanese food.

I know, but I already know,
like, in my head.

Like, I don't like it.

But Jackie and Peter are fun.

They go to concerts.

They are both getting
their scuba licenses.

I don't like scuba people.

- Uh-huh.
- I'm a dry land guy!

Uh-huh, and here come the rules.

Yeah, here we do go with the rules.

Okay, if he's a vegan, I'm out.

If he sleeps with a full-body pillow,
I am so out.

If he has a lizard or rare fish...

Yeah, I know how you
feel about fish people.

No, fish people are the worst, okay?

And if he moisturizes, I am totally out.

Hey. You moisturize.

Well, it's dry in here.
What do you want me to do?

You have the heat cranking,

and you don't even buy
the good lotion I like.

Well, yeah,
because it's like 50 bucks a bottle,

and you just slather
it on like mayonnaise.

Well, because it was working!

Now it's like I'm petting an elephant.

Okay, that'll probably
fix your little gas leak.

Is there a way to definitely fix it?

Oh, if it was that bad,

you wouldn't have woken up this morning.

Hi.

Hey, okay. So, good news.

Allison is gonna be my maid of honor.

Oh, fantastic! Mwah!

So, um, have you thought about

who's gonna be your best man?

Uh, not specifically.

Uh, I've got some good
mates back in England

and, of course, some
great ones here, too.

So, lots of choices.

You don't have anyone, do you?

No, I don't,
and thanks for shining a light on that.

Couldn't help, uh, overhearing...

and, uh, I am crazy-busy,

but, uh,
I could probably carve out some time

if you guys need a best man.

Oh, no, Uncle Kyle,
you do not have to do that.

I mean, you hardly even know Chale.

I know enough, and I like what I see.

Pshew!

All the customers are on the floor,

and I'm hiding behind
the cream-cheese rack.

Time's running out.

I knew I had to do something...

fast.

This is the Galaxy Bagels on Sunrise?

I go there all the time.

Well, honey, hang on. But keep going.

Uh, so,
you're hiding behind the cream cheese...

The guy was cleaning
out the cash register...

Uhp, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah!

The guy was cleaning
out the cash register.

I sneak up behind him,
I put my gun right to his ear,

"and I'm like, “Hey.
Bagel shop's closed”"

He didn't see you coming?

No. No. I'm very light on my feet.

If I were to, like, walk across tinfoil,

you wouldn't even know it.

Being a chiropractor is just
not as exciting as being a cop.

Oh, stop.

You should know Peter is one of

- the best chiropractors on the island.
- Oh.

Really?

Show them the hands. They're like magic.

See?

Tell them who you treat.

Well, I don't like to
crack and tell, but...

I do work on, uh, a couple of,

uh, Major League ball players.

- Hey.
- Whoa!

Please, you go to Florida for
spring training every year.

That's why we bought that condo.

- Oh.
- See, that is my dream right there,

to go down there and catch some games.

Well, you should come down,
stay at our place.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I-I can't promise anything, but, uh...

maybe get some batting
practice in before a game.

That would be incredible.

Hey, I'm gonna get you another beer.

Same price? I'm in.

What are you doing?

I'm just, uh...
getting a PBA card for, uh, Peter there.

Really?

You never give those things out.

Look, he's a good guy, you know?

And, uh, I don't know,
in case he ever gets pulled over,

I want the boys to go easy on him.

Somebody likes somebody!

Shh! They can hear you!

This is what happens when
you open your friend circle.

Florida, Spring Training.

You got to admit... I was right.

Okay. It's good, but let's
not push it, all right?

Hey, Kev?

Yeah?

What do you say we, uh,
skip the Lebanese food

and just order in some pizza?

Yeah, we can make that work.

I'm think I'm falling for him.

Kevin!

Oh, hey, Pete!

Glad you could come in.

Yeah, you know,
I thought I'd give it a shot.

Get ready for spring training,
or whatever, you know?

Why don't you hop up on the table? Oh.

We'll, uh, take a look under the hood.

Sure.

Okay.

You got any areas of, uh, discomfort?

Uhhh... just in my garage.

That's a, uh, future son-in-law joke.

All right.

Hey, have you ever been adjusted before?

Nope. First-timer.

Okay, well, we'll take it
nice and easy this first time.

And inhale.

And ex... hale!

- Aah!
- How's that feel?

It feels good. That feels good.

Got a nice little birdy on you shoulder.

- There's a what?
- Tweet, tweet!

- There's a what?
- And exhale!

You got to tell me when
you're gonna do that again.

Another birdy on the other shoulder.

No, no, no, no. No more birds.
I don't need any more birds.

Tweet, tweet, tweet! Exhale!

Ohh!

Ohh. Okay.

Aah.

Uh-oh. There's a caterpillar
on your tailbone.

You can just leave him there.

- Inhale.
- He can stay.

Exhale!

Exhale!

Exhale!

Ohh.

Knockity, knick-knock!

Whoa, guy. Is your back out?

No, I'm a little teapot.

Yeah, it's out!

Hey, hey, do you got
a good chiropractor?

My guy just absolutely
screwed me up completely.

Yeah, Dr. Wang.

Here, I'll text you his info.

I call him the Backside Whisperer.

You know, now that I say that out loud,

probably not the best nickname.

Oh, gosh.

Hi!

Oh, I just had the
best lunch with Jackie.

She is so funny.

Oh, yeah?

Well, while you were
at your giggle party,

her husband was cracking
me like a Kit-Kat.

What?!

Yeah. He mangled me, Donna.

“And... exhale!

Exhale!”

Oh, honey. Well, just...

Well, go back and have him fix it.

Are you out of your nut?

I'm not giving him a
second shot at this!

I'm calling Kyle's guy.

Oh, no.

You got to be kidding me.

What?

He works in the same building as Peter.

Oh, honey, you can't go back there.

What if he sees you? What would you say?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe something like,

“Boy, you picked the wrong profession.

You suck!”

Honey, these are our
friends from church.

We can't offend them.

I don't care about offending them.

I can't tie my shoes.

Well, to be honest...

even before,
that wasn't the easiest, was it?

Okay, fine. You know what?

I'll find out when Peter's not working,

and then you can go to Kyle's
guy when he's off, okay?

Okay, well, can you do it quick, please?

- 'cause I'm getting spasms.
- Ohh.

It literally feels like
there's a heartbeat in my ass.

Oh, come on.

Oh! Mm-hmm.

Ooh, it's like you got a
scared little bunny in there.

What kind of a bachelor
party were you thinking?

Tame or debauchery?

Definitely debauchery.

- Tame.
- Tame.

I think we're getting
ahead of ourselves.

You know, we... We haven't figured out

the best-man thing yet.

Look, I just don't
want you to rule me out

because of the situation I
had with your father and me

- at his wedding.
- What?

Yeah, he picked his friend
Steve to be the best man

over his own flesh and blood.

Was I hurt? Absolutely.

Did I say some things that were
inappropriate at the wedding?

You betcha.

Yeah, you know, here's the thing.

Our bridal party's gonna be,
you know, younger people,

just drinking and being obnoxious.

You'd be miserable.

You kidding? I like to kick my heels up

just as much as the next guy.

But if you think my age is a problem...

Wow.

- You've got a boyish charm.
- No! Not at all.

Definitely. I mean, if I...

If I dye my hair and throw
on some skinny jeans,

I look exactly like the
guy from Matchbox 20.

It's uncanny.

Breathe in.

And exhale.

And that's it.

You're all done.

Wow.

Ooh.

Hey.

Wow.

You... You're amazing.

Thanks.

Oh, uh, make sure to grab

some homemade banana
bread on your way out.

I will.

- Hey, hey!
- Hey!

There he is!

What are you doing here?

I-I just came to see
if you had an opening,

but, uh, they said that you
were off today, so, uh...

Today's the day I
usually do office work.

I could make some time for you.

No, no, no, no!
You, uh... You do your thang.

I'll just give you a call another time.

I always got time to make
an adjustment for you.

We got to get you ready
for batting practice, huh?

Yes.

You've just got to say the word.

The word.

Oh, gosh.

Honey,
there are no more M&M's under the bed.

I vacuumed this morning.

He did it to me again, Donna!

What?!

Oh, honey!
But he was supposed to be off today.

Oh, yeah, I know,
but apparently, I'm a V.I.P.!

And here's the kicker...
As I'm walking away,

he notices one of my
hips is out of line.

"So, he says, “You got to make
an appointment for tomorrow”"

I'm not going, Donna. I'm not doing it.

Honey, you have to.

I talked to Jackie today.

They're gonna let us use their
place in Florida next week,

and I got the time off of work,

and Kendra's gonna watch
the kids and, babe,

I really want this beach vacation.

You want it? You go to Dr. Cracks-A-Lot.

All right, fine. Yes, I will.

I mean, honestly, I think you're
exaggerating a little bit.

Well, that's too bad Kevin
couldn't make it today.

No, you know, I was
actually a little stiff,

so he gave me his appointment.

- What a generous guy.
- Yeah.

Okay, take a nice, deep breath in.

And ex... hale!

Oh, you got some nice movement there.
You feel that?

Yes.

Got a little ladybug on your shoulder.

What?

And ex... hale!

Ugh!

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hi.

How'd your adjustment go?

Oh, fine. Peter's great.

It's just...

You're such a baby.

Why don't come on over
and have a seat with me?

You're walking kind of funny.

Nope. Just... Just walking.
You're looking at me funny.

Cut it out.

Oh, there you go.

Ohh! Aah!

All right, fine!

Oh, baby, he mangled me!

Yeah, I told you this would happen!

This is why I don't like new people!

Well, at least I got us our
Florida trip, so you're welcome.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

If you love me at all,
you will get up and answer that.

I already spoke to my feet.
They're not responding.

Oh, come on.

- Come in!
- Come in!

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, I thought I'd drop off

everything you need for the condo.

It's all in here...
Parking pass, maps, and uhh...

Ooh, I have a favor to ask,

and you can totally say “no.”

So, my daughter plays the violin,
and it's kind of...

- No.
- Shut up.

Kev... He's kidding.

Oh. Keep going.

Well, she's got this
recital tonight and, well,

I hate to be “that kind of mom”"
but we would just love

to have you guys there in the crowd.

Say no more. We'll be there.

Great. Okay, perfect.

So, do I see myself out,
'cause you guys are...

- You can do it.
- The door's still there.

Come in!

What up, family?

Uncle Kyle, what did you do?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I think she's talking about the hair,
the outfit,

and the shockingly blue eyes.

These are contacts.

The color is called “ice blue”...

and a lot of people say I look
like a young Daniel Craig.

Or an old Siberian husky.

I've been working on your toast,

and I'd like to give you a little taste

to see what you'd be getting.

Okay.

“Welcome, everyone.
I'm Kyle Gable, the best man.

What can I say about Kendra and Chale?

"Two of the luckiest kids in the
world that found true love”"

Aww.

“I found love, once.
I wanted to marry her,

but she said she wasn't... feeling it.

Moving on, Brenda.

I hope you and Ted are really happy,

and I don't care how many
Lady Foot Lockers he owns.

And, yes, that was me watching you

outside your mom's house in Yaphank.”

Okay, Uncle Kyle!

You know, uh, yeah,
I think we get the flavor of it.

A lot of flavor, right there.

You hate it?

I knew it.

I-I was squeezing the bat too hard.

No wonder I've never been a best man.

I blew it with my brother,
and now I blew it with you guys.

No, Uncle Kyle, stop.

We want you to be the best man.

What?

I would be honored to
have you stand up for me.

Anyone that's willing to
go through all... that

would be a brilliant best man.

And we'll help with the speech...

and your hair.

Wait. Wait.

Are you guys just
doing this out of pity?

- Absolutely.
- Yes.

Either way, I'm in.

All right, now I got to go
cut myself out of these pants.

When is this thing gonna be over?
I am dying.

I think it's the big finish. I'm hoping.

Oh.

Brava!

Hey, come on, you guys.
That's my kid. Get up!

Brava!

Aah, yay!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Oh!

Okay, so we got the keys.

We just got to finish packing,
and then, I mean,

if Dr. Wang is as good as you say he is,

we are on our way. Best vacation ever!

Oh, yeah. And you got to try
some of his banana bread.

- Let me get some of that for you.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, it's right over there.
- Bring it. Bring it.

Ah, I got it.

Oh. Okay.

I don't know where he
gets his bananas from,

but they have been kissed by God.

Cheater. Party of two.

Your table's waiting.

Peter. What are you doing here?

You know what? Just save it.

I know you've been seeing
Dr. Wang on the side.

We're... we're sorry. We're sorry.

We're sorry.

You know what? This hurts.

Now, where does that leave
us vis-à-vis Florida?

That's not gonna happen.

At least when my other clients leave me,

they have the decency to
look me in the eye and say,

“You are a terrible chiropractor!”

The guy was emptying out the register.

I sneak up behind him,
I put my gun right to his ear,

"and I'm like, “Hey.
Bagel shop's closed”"

Wow.

That is incredible.

Are we talking about the
Galaxy Bagels on Sunrise?

Mm-hmm.

That's right next to my cardio barre.

Oh, I've been dying to go there,

but the classes are always full.

- Oh, my friend runs it.
- What?

I'll give you her card.

That'd be amazing.

You're a brave man, Kevin.

Thank you for your service.

Oh. You kidding me? No problem.

Hey, are you a Met fan?

Pbht. Huge!

You know what we got to do?

We got to go down to Florida,
catch a little spring training!

I'd love to, but...

I can't leave my fish for that long.

Good night, everybody.

Lock up when you're done, Donna!