Kevin Can Wait (2016-2018): Season 1, Episode 15 - Choke Doubt - full transcript

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Hey, what's going on here?

Oh, I am busy studying for my LSATs,

so Chale is making breakfast.

Isn't that sweet?

Oh!

Does smell pretty good.
I got to be honest.

What is that?

It's a standard English fry-up...

Some sizzling bacon,

and I've Chaled it up
with some blood pudding.

Hard to ruin bacon,
but blood will do it.



Hey! Best news ever!

You know my friend Gina?

She started her own business
as a wedding planner.

Wow!

That is the best news ever.

No, seriously, that's
better than the time

you remembered your password for AOL.

Do you remember that?

That was awesome.

“Gabletown123”...
Unlocked my whole life.

Anyway, Gina needs to get
her portfolio together,

and she agreed to do
your wedding for free!

Mom, I-I already told you, okay?
I don't have time for that.

If I fail this test,
I don't get into law school.



I know, honey,
but you got to start planning...

Unless you want to have your
wedding at a bowling alley.

I never said I wanted that.

I just said they got a
very nice banquet room.

It's really nice.

Once the deejay starts,
you don't even hear the bowling.

You don't hear it.

Okay, no, Mom, thank you and thank Gina,

but, you know,
we haven't even set the date yet.

I know, but these
things, they take time,

and she's agreed to do it for free,

so what if I just sit down with her?

I can help out, too.
I'm pretty sure I'm open.

I'm open.

So, great. So, we'll just...
We'll get the ball rolling.

I mean, it can't hurt, you know?

I heard “ball rolling.”

I'm just gonna throw this out there.

You do it at the bowling alley
before 3:00 on a weekday,

everybody gets free hot dogs.

What do you say?

All right, who's up?
'Cause I got the last one.

I got the one before that.

- Duffy, your turn.
- No can do.

My mother won't give me the
PIN number to the debit card

until I put tennis balls on her walker.

It's a stand-off.

Hard to believe a
Victoria's Secret model

hasn't gobbled you up.

I know, right?

You know what? I'll just get it myself.

Enzo, get us another pitcher, bud.

Yeah.

Hey, is it me, or is
this snack mix stale?

It's the humidity.

You leave it out three nights in a row,

it starts to turn on you.

I'll get you some freshies.

By the way, “fresh” means

they only stayed out two nights.

Tough room.

Oh. Yeah.

You got one of the spicy wasabi peas.

That's the thing with them...
They just... they...

They just pop out of nowhere...

I got you, buddy.

You all right?

You okay?

Wow.

Hey, you saved my life.

Oh, come on. It's no big deal.

I'm a retired cop.
We see this thing all the time.

No, no, no. You don't understand.

My wife just had a baby.

I'm a new dad,
and if you're not standing here to...

To save me, I don't make it home.

Can I... Can I pick up your tab?

Can I buy you lunch? No.
No, no. Don't do that.

- I just...
- It's not necessary. Really.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

A humble hero.

You don't see that every day.

Not every day, no.

Hey, if you need anything...
I mean anything at all, pal...

Look, you just call me, okay?

If I'm ever in the market for carpeting,

I'll, uh... I'll give you a jingle.

Actually, I don't sell the carpeting...
just the padding.

Oh.

Then I probably won't
be giving you a jingle.

Thanks anyway. That's cool.

- Have a good one.
- You take care.

Yeah.

Humble hero.

Yeah.

That was crazy.

Something just amazing happened.

I'll tell you what, boys...
Today, lunch is on me.

Hallelujah!

- Ah, yes!
- Nice!

Well, let's split a pie.

Ooh, look! The Clams
Montgomery is back on the menu.

Ooh!

Enjoy it, my friend,
because you know what?

Today is a gift.

That's why they call
it the “present.”

Isn't that from “Kung Fu Panda”?

Yes, it is. Yeah.

Look, I'm just gonna come
out and say it, all right?

You see that guy right...

Okay, he's not there right now.

He was just there a second ago.

- Anyway, the guy was over there...
- Hey, hey! Hey! Kyle's on TV!

Kyle's on TV!

Oh! H-Hey! Enzo, turn this up!

I'm like, “Come on,
little guy, jump. ”

And he did... This guy right here.

Yeah!

Next thing you know, Kelly,

I got this little fur ball coming at me.

I didn't have time to think.

Instincts took over.

Kyle saved a cat?

Yeah. Wow.

It's funny, because,
actually at the bar...

Guy, Guy, shhhhh!

Thank you for saving my best
friend in the whole wide world.

How much time are they
spending on this segment?

Must be a slow news day.

Guy! Guy! Guy!

Shh!

No need to thank me, Blanca.

Comes with the territory.

Wow!

That was powerful.

Like a Christmas beer commercial.

Guys, it's a cat.

I-I'm sorry. I just...

Goody, back me up here,
would you, please?

The little girl...

She got her best friend back.

I'm just gonna come out and say it,
all right?

Five minutes ago, at that bar,
there was an actual person...

- Hey, hey! hey! There he is!
- Did I miss it?

Now, Kendra's tied up with school,

so this is all just preliminary,
no pressure.

We just want to get
some ideas going, right?

- Great. Let's jump in.
- Yeah.

- Flowers?
- Oh-ho! Big fan.

Yeah, perfect,

because I know exactly
what Kendra would like...

Peruvian lilies.

Or really any lilies,
but it's got to be lilies.

Actually, I think she
prefers wildflowers.

- Are those a thing?
- Well...

They're a thing if
you're getting married

on the side of a highway.

This guy.

It's just, I'm pretty sure
that she wanted wildflowers.

Yeah, well, when she was 3,
she wanted a pony,

but she got a tricycle,

and she was happy as
a blue jay, so lilies.

Okay. Thanks.

Uh, just spell it “wildflowers.”

Oh, you know what?
We don't have to decide now.

Um, let's put a pin
in the flower thing...

Okay.

And let's talk music.

I plan on singing my vows.

Aww!

Singing?

Oh! It's a wedding,
not an open-mic night.

It is a wedding.

It is my wedding.

I know this great disco band.
They're so fun.

They pass out, like,
big sunglasses and giant Afro wigs.

Well, that's just south of racist.

Excuse me?

All right.

All right, let's put
another pin in music

and talk dresses.

That seems safe.

You don't need to worry about the dress,

because I have my grandmother's.

Oh! Look at the vintage lace.

It's beautiful.

And picture Kendra
with her hair up and...

And baby's breath.

Yes, I'm picturing her wearing this

as I return home from the Civil War.

What are you guys doing over here?

This is gonna be our new table
from now on. It's special.

It's also right by the dart board.

Do I need to remind you guys
what happened to One-Eyed Vic?

Formerly known as Vic?

Read the plaque, man.

“This table dedicated to
Massapequa Hero Kyle Gable”?

For the cat he saved.

I thought these tables were
supposed to be dedicated

to heroes...
real heroes, guys who lost their lives.

It's your brother.
Aren't you happy for him?

I'm happy for him.

I'm just worried the customers here

are gonna be confused on
Enzo's “hero” policy.

I mean, look at this.

Over here, you got dead, dead, dead,

a-and a guy who caught a cat?

I mean, it's just confusing.
I'm just saying it's confusing.

You know, if I didn't know any better,
I would say

you're just a little bit
jealous of your brother.

Okay, I'm not jealous
of anyone, all right?

Look, he did something great.

It just...
so happens I did something greater.

Yesterday at this bar,
a guy started choking.

I gave him the Heimlich...
Totally saved his life.

And you never said anything about it?

No. 'Cause, unlike Kyle,
I don't need the attention.

I'm what's known as a humble hero. Yeah.

All right, aren't humble people

not supposed to say that they're humble?

I didn't give myself the name.
That's what the guy called me.

I shouldn't have to do this...

Hey, Enzo, Enzo. Come over here, buddy.

Yeah.

Listen, yesterday...
can you tell these guys

the amazing thing I did at the bar?

You bought a pitcher of beer?

No.

After that.

Uh, went and got snack mix, came back...

You were hugging some guy.

I wasn't hugging him.
He couldn't breathe.

Probably hugging him too hard.

You're a lot stronger than you think.

You're like Lennie in
that book with the rabbit.

You know, the...

So, you did something heroic,

but in your mind, it doesn't count

'cause you didn't get credit for it?

Exactly!

It's like when you leave
a tip at the deli, right?

Y-Y-You got to make sure
the guy slicing the meat

looks over and sees you
before you drop the money.

Oh. Yeah.

And just to play it safe,

you got to point at him and be like,

"“Hey, and that's for you
and all the boys back there”"

and then you shake the jar a little.

Hey, da da da!

And I hate to bring up
money, but, you know,

the bride's family pays for the wedding,

but our groom seems to think
he's calling the shots.

It was a freakin' cat, Donna.

I mean, they...
they literally give them away for free.

And I don't care what Chale says.

It's a beautiful dress.

You know, try to adopt a puppy.

They do a whole background check on you!

For a cat, they just throw
it in the back of your car

"and they're like, “Good luck.
Take it easy”"

I...

I hear you, but are...

Are you listening to
anything I'm saying?

Yes, I heard you...
The wedding, your grandmother,

she never got to wear the dress.

No, she got to wear the dress.
I never got to wear the dress.

Well, you got to admit,
I was pretty close, though.

I never got to wear the dress.

Ohh.

Oh, maybe because of that and
we never had a big wedding...

Oh, maybe I did make
the day all about me.

Wow.

Maybe I did that with Kyle, too.

I mean, maybe I should've
just let him have his moment.

You know what?

I... I'm gonna...
I'm gonna be a bigger person,

and I am just gonna let this go.

Chale can have his stupid
roadside hootenanny.

I don't care.

Yeah.

- Kyle can have his stupid table.
- Yeah.

I'm letting it go, too,

'cause that's what good people do.

And we are good people.

No, we are great people.

- Yes.
- Mm.

- Good night.
- Mwah! Okay.

I can't let this go.

Me neither!

Gentlemen, what you're about to see

might be a little unsettling,

but it shows the frailty of life.

If this is that documentary on
how they make chicken nuggets,

I can't watch.

No, it's security footage
from that camera right there.

It's gonna show my
random act of kindness.

What up, boys?!

Hey!

You're killing me. What
are you looking at?

Oh, your brother saved
some guy from choking.

He's making us watch it.

Okay, no, I'm making a point

about our culture and
its mixed-up values...

How saving a person is
somehow less important than...

Whatever. You know what I'm saying.

All right, let's...

Hey, look, you both did awesome things.

You saved a guy, he saved a cat.

- Actually, eight cats.
- No.

Yeah, Mittens was pregnant.

Aww! Yeah. Yeah.

They had the kittens last night, yeah.

Everyone's doing good.
Mom's resting comfortably.

It's like...
It's like you saved a whole family.

Yeah, yeah.

And they asked me to go on “Wake Up,
Long Island”

to give away the kittens.

Whoop! There I am. Look at this.

That's me right there.

Okay. Here we go.

Oh, there's Bill.
Snack mix goes in his mouth.

Cue the Grim Reaper.

And... he's dying! He's dying!

Look at that!

Or is he?

Enzo, what are you doing?!

I was getting snack mix. Remember?

What? The salt kills everything.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be at the beach,
bottle-feeding a turtle?

You joke, but we lose a turtle

every 35 minutes in this country.

What do you want?

I came to see what your problem is,

because if it's about my plaque,

I'll have Enzo engrave
your name on it, too,

if it's gonna end all this.

No. I don't want a pity plaque.

Look, I know what I
did in here, all right?

I don't need it written
on the side of a table

or go on some morning talk show
and gab about it, all right?

Well, you know what? Maybe I do.

And there it is... The truth.

That's right. Because you know what?

I've never gotten any
attention in my whole life.

You get everything. Look around.

Y-You have... You have Donna,

you got great kids, this house...

Donna.

You said “Donna” twice.

Yeah, I'm highlighting it.
She's a lovely gal.

My point is, is that, compared to you,

I got nothing, okay?

And the spotlight finally shines on me,
for once.

And you know what? I'm gonna enjoy it.

And I'm not gonna apologize. I'm sorry.

Except for... right then.

I didn't want you to
not have your moment.

It's just...

I saved a guy's life!
I mean, and no one cared.

I tried to let it go. I just...

I couldn't. And you know what? I'm...

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

You know what?
I... I don't need to see some video

to know that you're a hero.

Come on, man. You were
a cop for 20 years.

Appreciate that.

And congrats to you on getting
on “Wake Up, Long Island. ”

That's pretty cool.
I've never been on TV.

Let's change that. Come with me.

No, no. This is your thing.

Yeah, yeah. No, no. Come with me.

We'll give away the kittens together...
two heroes.

Classy move, Kyle. Thank you.

By the way, before,
you mentioned something

about putting my name
on the plaque with you.

You know what? It would just
totally feel weird at this point.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Yeah.

Unless you, uh, already pulled
the trigger on the engraver.

- Then maybe...
- Nah. I didn't.

Okay.

Oh, good. You're home.
Do you have a minute?

- Not really.
- Great.

So, yesterday, Chale and I,
we had a little disagreement

about some stuff for the wedding,

and I want you to weigh in.

Yeah, okay, but hurry,
'cause I got work to do.

No! 30 seconds! I'll be right back!

Oh, good. You're home.

Yes, but I'm studying.

Yesterday, uh, your mother and
I had a little bit of a spat,

and it was about my desire
to sing at our wedding.

So I-I just wanted to
get your opinion on this.

♪ My precious Kendra ♪

♪ My lovely philodendra ♪

♪ All my love, I will send ya ♪

You little worm!

Are you really going behind my back?
What the...

Said the bride of Ulysses S. Grant.

Mom, what are you doing?

I'm showing you the dress.

It has no life on the hang.
You had to see it on.

Sweetheart, can... Can I finish my song?

No. No one wants to hear your song.

Mom, not cool.

If Chale wants to sing at the wedding,

he'll sing at the wedding.

Chale.

♪ I promise to scratch
your back when you sleep ♪

♪ Hand you tissues when you weep ♪

♪ Hold your heart, like a bird ♪

♪ And on that, I give
you my wo-o-ord ♪

♪ My wo-o-ord ♪

♪ My wor-r-r-rd ♪

Babe, that was beautiful.

I mean, Mom, you have to admit that.

Could use a hook.

It was actually a lovely song.

I think if you wanted to
sing that at the wedding,

well, that... That would be nice.

Thank you, Mrs. Gable.

And for the record,
you were right about the dress.

- Right?
- Now that I see it, it is timeless.

It's timeless!

And you look stunning in it.

- I do?
- Just ravishing.

Oh! Thank you, Chale.

I...

You know what? Can we just...

Can we pretend yesterday didn't happen?

- I would like that.
- Oh, good.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

You know what just happened here?

- I think we just had...
- Our first fight.

Oh, my God!
We're finishing each other's sentences!

Wow.

You know, I just hope that one day,

I can have what you guys have.

Welcome back to “Wake
Up, Long Island.”

We've got a very special
in-studio guest today...

A local firefighter and a
cat-catching superhero...

Kyle Gable.

Thanks for having me on, guys.

- And who's your helper here?
- Uh...

Oh, this is my brother Kevin Gable,

a retired Nassau County cop.

He protected us for 20 years.

Well, that may be true,

but today, I'm just
here to hold the cats.

Kyle, your story is amazing.

While on duty, you saved a pregnant cat

who then gave birth to
this adorable litter,

all seven of which are
available for adoption.

Well, actually, Kelly, uh, only six.

I'm gonna take the one with the,
uh, black socks on,

the one that looks like
he stepped in paint.

Does this man ever stop giving?

So, how's it feel to be
the brother of a hero?

Oh, me?

Oh, I-I-I thought you
were talking to Kyle.

'C-Course, you wouldn't know this,

but I, uh,
I recently saved a man's life, you know.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know what?

Uh, actually, put me down
for two of these babies also.

Any two. You pick them, Kelly.

I'll take the ugly ones. I don't care.

Whoa! Save some for the viewers.

That is funny, Tom, because,
you know, growing up,

Kevin told me that he didn't like cats.

Okay, that... that...
that is not true, Tom, all right?

I am a cat person.
Everybody says it all the time.

I don't know why he would
pick now to lie on live TV.

Not very hero-like.

I thought you were gonna let this go.

Okay, look, I saved a person, all right?
You saved a cat.

I mean, Kelly am I crazy? I mean...

Face it... Nobody cares what you did.

Okay. Yeah, I know somebody who cares.

Here. Hold these things,
would you, please?

“No one cares.”

- Who you calling? Mom?
- No! I'm not. Okay?

I'm calling the one man still lucky
enough to be alive because of me.

Everybody, hold on to
your heart strings,

'cause they're about
to get tugged... hard.

While the brothers work
through some issues here,

if you'd like to see pictures
and bios of these kittens,

Hey, Bill.

Bill, it's, uh, Kevin Gable.

Yeah, I'm on live TV right now,

and I'm just gonna put
you on speakerphone, okay?

Perfect.

Bill, go ahead...
Uh, just, uh, tell everybody

what happened the other day at the bar

with the snack mix, the thing.

- Okay, sure. O-Okay.
- Remember what happened?

I was at the bar,
I was eating a handful of snack mix,

and I guess... Really wasn't chewing...

All of a sudden, I... At some...

Okay, Bill, you're...

You're... you're...
You're breaking up a little bit.

Snack... sudden...

Hey, buddy, you're breaking up a little.

Bill, you're breaking up a little bit.
Just...

even talk. Sorry. Sorry.

- You got to move your...
- Can you hear me now?

- Bill, you're...
- Can you hear me? Can you hear me now?

Yes, I can hear you perfectly, Bill.

Go ahead. Tell everybody.

Okay.
Like I was saying, I started choking...

thought I would... Going on...

Okay, Bill, y-y-you're
breaking up again.

You got to get into a
part where it's just...

Just say it quick. Say
it quick what I did.

Say it quick, what I did.

Saved... my...

No, no, say it quick what I did...
what I did.

Say it quick what I did.

Unbelieva... You wouldn't even...

I'm half-black, half-Asian.

How am I not in a major market?

Bill?

Choking...

Bill?

Bill? Bill?

Okay. We're gonna take a
much-needed break right now.

B-Bill? Bill? Bill?

Bill? Bill? Bill?

Bill? Bill? Bill?

And when we come back,
Tom will be talking to us

about a high-fiber doughnut
that you can make at home.

Oh, come on, Tom. It can't be that bad.

Oh! I think he's choking.

He's choking!

Ohh!

Later, 14 ducks at the local zoo...
all sick.

Is your goose next?

Find out after the break.

Man,
how many times are they gonna show this?

Well, you know what they say...

No such thing as bad publicity.

I'm pretty sure there is.

Why don't we just forget
the whole thing and just...

Let's order a pizza. What do you say?

- Yeah.
- All right.

Let's eat it at our table.

Hey, I like that.

Or we could just have it at the bar.

Right here. Yeah.