Kevin Can Wait (2016-2018): Season 1, Episode 14 - Kevin vs. The Dutch Elm - full transcript
As Kevin tries to charm his neighbor into giving him permission to cut down one of her trees, he becomes intimidated by her imposing son, Rutger and invites them over for a non-existent party.
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
♪♪
Ah! Morning.
Hey. You're up early.
Yeah, chale's gonna help me
study before class.
Oh.
Okay, mom, if you're gonna
start juicing,
you still got to hit
the weight room.
Very funny.
No, I'm giving out
flu vaccines at school,
and this morning,
I'm gonna give one to your dad.
Whoa. He's gonna let you do that?
Every time he sees a needle,
he freaks out and faints.
I know, and that's why this time,
we're gonna do things
a little differently.
You're gonna shoot him
with a blow dart
while he's walking to the shower?
Like an animal.
No.
I'm gonna stick him
with this little sucker
before he even wakes up.
Like an animal.
Honey?
Honey?
Ooh!
Okay.
Gonna be so easy,
'cause he's so sleepy.
What the heck?!
Ow!
I'm sorry!
I was trying to surprise you
with the flu shot this year
so you wouldn't faint
when you saw the needle.
What? Ow.
Oh!
*KEVI CAN WAIT*
Season 01 Episode 14
"Kevin Vs The Dutch Elm"
Precisely Synchronized by srjanapala
All right, babe. I'll see you later.
Where are you going?
- Oh, I'm going to Enzo's.
- Hmm?
Yeah, once every five years,
his grandmother sends
this icebox cake from Italy.
It is life-changing.
It is just layers...
Graham cracker, chocolate pudding,
Graham cracker, chocolate pudding,
Graham cracker, chocolate pudding,
Graham cracker, chocolate pudding,
Graham cracker, chocolate pudding,
- Graham cracker...
- Okay.
- I got it. I got it. I got it.
- You know?
And then, it's chocolate pudding.
Okay. All right.
I get it, but why
do you have to go so early?
Oh, 'cause if I don't, you miss it,
then it's gone, and I got
to wait another five years.
- So, what I do is,
- Oh.
I tell all the guys
"hey, show up at 1:00,"
because I know
they're gonna show up early
to get the lion's share,
so what do I do?
I show up 12:30.
Okay. Well.
That is very thought out.
Yeah. You must care a lot.
Um, quick... What grade is Jack in?
Fifth.
Si... sixth. Fifth?
It is fifth. Sixth? Fifth.
Fifth? Sixth.
- Fifth? Six...
- Wow.
No, it's fifth. It's si...
Well, change your face
expression so I can...
Give me help here.
Oh, my God.
Enjoy your cake.
Um... oh, and when
you're there,
tell Duffy to bring his truck tomorrow.
His truck? For what?
We're moving the pool.
We're moving the p...
Where'd that come from?
What?! Oh, no. Don't even start.
We talk about this every year.
You put it up in the wrong spot...
Underneath
the neighbor's dead tree.
There's leaves everywhere,
there's no sunshine,
the water's freezing.
I mean, the thing is basically
a giant squirrel urinal.
We're moving it.
All right, fine. You know what?
I will move it,
but I can't do it tomorrow.
So I'll tell you what,
we will sit down Monday
- with our calendars...
- No! No, no, no!
No excuses this time!
You realize you've been trying
to get out of this for years.
Okay, I think
you're exaggerating.
Hmm?
I can't move the pool today.
My toolbox is missing.
Goody's having a garage sale.
I feel a little nauseous.
It's gonna rain.
You got to give me more notice.
You know what it is?
I just need a "me" day.
Mets are in the playoffs!
It's an inner-ear thing... No balance.
I thought we were trying
that chicken place.
I think my rib popped out
a little bit in the front.
It hurts.
You-You know what it is?
I-I'm very garlicky.
Today?
Our pool?
Okay, fine. I'll do it. I'll move it.
Thank you. I just got to say,
I am feeling a little
- something in my throat...
- nope! Nooooo!
♪♪
Okay, here we go...
Enzo's grandmother's icebox cake.
It's been a good five years, boys.
D-Dig in.
I'm just gonna come out
and say it...
It's a little off.
It's a lot off.
I've been waiting for this forever.
I barely slept last night.
Not cool, Enzo's grandmother.
Ah, come on, guys.
She's 98 years old, blind in one eye.
It's a miracle
she can hold a spoon.
I don't know.
I'm just saying,
you promise you're gonna
do something, deliver.
Exactly. Quality drops,
get out the game, Nana.
I mean, I'm gonna keep eating,
but I ain't happy about it.
By the way, what was with that,
uh, text you sent me earlier...
Something about
bringing my truck around?
Oh, yeah.
I need all you guys to help me
move my pool tomorrow.
Wait, I'm sorry.
I heard "move my pool."
Are you... are you
out of your mind?
No. Listen, I've been
promising Donna forever.
I-I got to move it.
The neighbor's got a dead tree.
It's hanging over,
it's blocking the sun.
It's a whole thing, believe me.
You realize what a hassle it is
to move an aboveground pool?
What's the problem?
Just empty out the water,
pick it up, and move it.
Hey, groot, it's not
a kiddie pool, okay?
There's panels and rivets,
and don't even get me started
on the... on the filter.
Well, hold on for a second.
You said that the tree
is blocking the pool, right?
So why don't you
just get rid of it?
What do you mean?
Think about it.
We're watching the game, okay?
We can't see the TV 'cause
mott's fat head is in the way.
What do we do?
Unscrew the brackets
and move the TV?
No. We tell mott
"you move your fat head."
Exactly.
Hey, guys, I'm taking a lot
of unnecessary shots here today.
So, let me ask you this.
What do you think is easier...
To take down a tree
or to move a pool?
No-brainer, guy.
Tree.
Give me a chainsaw, phone
charger, and a tuna sandwich,
I'll have that thing
out of your life in 40 minutes.
Why do you need a phone charger?
I keep losing mine.
So, you want to... Chop down mott?
It's a metaphor.
But think about it.
The leaves, the lack of sun...
That's all coming
from the dead tree.
Oh, you will say anything
not to have to move that pool.
B... bel...
I-I will move the pool.
The pool... Moving that's easy.
You drain the water,
you push it to the side.
It's... it's like a kiddie pool.
It really is.
The issue is the tree.
Yeah, but you think
I don't know that?
I would love
to have the tree down,
but that's never gonna happen,
because it belongs to Mrs. hoost.
And I have talked to her
a bunch of times.
She's a nightmare.
Maybe for you.
Y-You can be a little off-putting.
That's all I'm saying.
"Off-putting"?
Just because
you're very beautiful.
And you're young.
Okay, that's the thing.
You show up there, she sees you,
she's an older lady.
She sees the skin.
She's like, "I'm a raisin."
What do I do?"
- Uh-huh.
- It's just...
- Uh-huh.
- Look, I can go over there.
I can get permission
from Mrs. Hoost right now.
Oh! I really don't think
you know what you're up against.
Are you kidding me?
It's called conflict resolution.
I dealt with it every day
on the streets.
You start nice, you come in
with a little honey.
If it doesn't work,
you bring a little heat.
Okay, well, what is it
that you like to eat
when you've failed
and you're depressed?
'Cause I'll just start
making that now.
Oh, okay. I'm not failing,
and I'm not gonna be depressed.
I'm gonna be very happy.
And you know what I like
when I'm happy? Fajitas.
[ Grandfather clock chiming,
ticking ]
Boy, what a...
What a lovely home you have.
I love the couch, the plastic.
It's like having a pool raft,
but inside.
You could throw up on this,
and 10 minutes later,
you clean it up,
you're back in the game.
I like it. It's good.
Ooh. That is a lot of, uh...
What are these called?
- Hummels.
- Hummels?
You have a lot of them.
I like that.
Ohh!
These guys are making biscuits.
Okay, I'm gonna put that down.
Anyway...
Uh... I feel remiss
that we haven't spent
more time together as neighbors.
And that said...
Did you receive the invite
to the new year's Eve party
at our place?
I don't think you did.
No.
It was an e-vite, you know?
You should check
your spam folder for that.
Either way,
you should come next year,
'cause it's gonna be
off the chain.
I'm in bed at 8:30.
Make an exception next year,
'cause it's gonna be cray-cray.
You are a very boring man.
Okay.
I have an early flight
to Florida in the morning.
You should go.
Ooh!
You're going to Florida.
Nice, nice!
Laying out, catch some rays...
I like it.
My sister died.
Still, you got to get some color
for the wake, right? I mean...
Ooh! You know
what I could do?
I was thinking...
I could do you a favor,
'cause you know that dead tree
that's on your yard
and kind of half on our yard?
I could cut that down
while you're gone,
write up a receipt,
and just charge you half.
That's all. We'll split it.
The tree is not dead.
It's dead.
Not dead.
Not making plans for the spring.
Let's say that.
The tree is not going anywhere.
Let me put it to you this way.
You want to know
what I'm known for?
Giving honey
and bringing the heat.
And guess what.
I'm out of honey, all right?
One call to the town, they'll
declare that thing a hazard,
and they'll rip it down
themselves,
and they'll foot you
with the bill.
Or we can do it the easy way.
You know what I'm talking about?
You wash my back, I wash yours.
I don't want you to wash me.
Wh... no, I mean, I'm not...
It's not actually washing...
Rutger!
Who's rutger? R-Rutger?
I didn't even know what that...
Is this man
bothering you, Tante?
He wants to wash me.
What the hell?
No, no, no. It's an expression.
Uh, you know,
it's... it's like
"I do you a favor,
you do me a favor"...
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
My... my wife
couldn't make it today.
Ah, good times.
Anyway, we got a stick a pin
in the tree thing for now.
So good to see you again.
And, Rutger, uh...
I invited her to a, uh...
New year's Eve jam we're having.
You're always invited, too.
Ooh! Love the tattoo.
Look at that shape.
That's a weird one.
I got them in scheveningen.
Okay, I'm gonna assume
that's a prison.
Saying my goodnights.
She... is a Badger.
I told ya.
A nasty, Dutch Badger.
And how about Rutger?
He's a barrel of laughs, huh?
Who's that?
I don't know, but they were
making fun of your boobs.
- I did not like it.
- What?!
Yeah, they were like,
hey, look at her.
Are you kidding me?!
- That is not okay!
- I know.
Believe me, I didn't like it at all.
Oh, we are
so taking that tree down!
I wish we could, all right?
It would be
the perfect weekend, too,
'cause she's going
to Florida, but...
'Cause then,
they would come back,
and they would know it's me.
Right.
Look, I...
I promised you
I'd move that pool,
and I will do it, okay?
Tomorrow. No excuses.
All right, well, thank you,
but, I mean,
you can't do it tomorrow...
There's a big storm coming in.
I still get credit
for offering, though, right?
Honey, there's a big storm
coming in.
You know what that means.
I don't have to come up
with an excuse tomorrow?
No. No, no, no.
It's the perfect cover.
So, she goes to Florida,
and we knock down the tree,
and then
we blame it on the storm.
I like it.
See, now I am happy!
Okay!
And, you know, when I'm happy...
I didn't make fajitas.
- That's not cool, Donna.
- Okay.
I made you burgers.
Okay. See? I'm happy again.
Okay, well,
they're Turkey burgers.
Why do you do this to me?!
Okay, we called
this family meeting because...
Well, we just want you to know
tonight's gonna be...
It's gonna be
a little weird, you know?
Um, your mom and I are gonna do
something legally...
Iffy.
It's just a little iffy,
you know?
Yeah, yeah. But it's not a crime.
No.
No, it's more like...
A neighborhood prank.
Exactly. Exactly.
What we're gonna do... The point is,
w-we're gonna rip down
Mrs. Hoost's tree.
Cool.
Yeah.
And so we just want
to let you guys know,
just in case somebody
says something to you,
comes up to you
and asks you, you know,
"hey, did you hear anything
about the tree thing?"
You would say...
"What? What tree?
Never heard of a tree."
He's talking about
the tree next door...
The one
they're ripping down, idiot!
Okay, you gonna work with him?
Yeah, I'm on it.
Okay.
Okay, dad,
you cannot kill that tree.
It's a mercy kill, all right?
I mean,
it's already half-dead.
And your mom and I,
what we're doing,
we're just...
We're basically
just putting a little pillow
over its face.
Yeah, and if your father
works the chainsaw right,
tree's never gonna feel a thing.
Okay, no, I don't care
about the tree, guys.
But there's a family
of squirrels that live in it.
I mean, where will they go?
Are you kidding me?
No. No, in the morning,
when I have my coffee,
I like to watch them
run back and forth.
All right, y-you do know
that we tell people
you're the smart kid?
What's that supposed to mean?
Exactly.
Let's just catch them,
and we can let them loose
in the park or something.
Chale, can you help me out here?
Uh... Mr. gable,
I agree with Kendra.
You need to relocate
those adorable squirrels.
I can't see anything in here!
They're in there.
I guarantee it.
Hold the sack
against the knothole.
I'll start tapping.
Keep going!
I think I hear something!
Whoa! Whoa, it's working!
I got one. Awesome.
All right, that's good.
Wow.
Okay! You got to
slow it down now!
You got to stop it!
They're filling up the bag!
My eyes!!
All right, the squirrels
have been relocated
to the trees behind carvel.
And I think we all owe
a big thanks to chale.
That was a...
That was a crazy attack.
I would have helped you out,
but you, uh...
You're still my hero.
Oh, don't.
Wait for the rabies test
to come back.
All right,
so, we all know our job?
Yeah, it's simple...
Mott cuts a wedge in the tree,
we tie the main line
to Duffy's truck,
goody and I are on the guidelines.
You give the signal,
we bring her down
like a baby's head on a pillow.
You've done this before?
No, but I watch a bunch
of those logging shows.
All right, storm's picking up,
so let's get crackalackin'!
Come on, come on, come on!
Oh, by the way,
if the cops show up,
I'm flipping like a pancake.
In prison, guys with my physique
go for a premium.
I'm proud of you, babe,
for saving those squirrels.
And I know
if it came down to it,
you'd do it all over again.
Actually, I wouldn't.
I'd hire someone to gas them.
Like... sleeping gas?
Sure.
♪♪
All set, Duffy?
I'm in the truck,
the rope's attached,
and I'm standing by.
Over.
By the way,
I think your milk turned.
My coffee tastes weird.
Copy that. It's almond milk.
Donna's going through
a thing again.
Roger that.
If you like the almond milk,
you should try the hazelnut.
Fat-free,
and you'd never know. Over.
How does that stack up
against soy?
Hey! Why are we talking
about milk, ladies?
There's a tree
that needs to come down!
I think we're good to go.
Okay, uh, yeah.
All right.
Let's do this.
We're ready.
Yeah. Standing by.
Stand by, 1.
Cold and ready.
Okay, on my count.
Three, two...
Oh, god.
Go, go, go!
Hold up, hold up, okay?
Her light just came on.
Okay, well, don't be a big baby,
all right?
It's probably just on a timer,
so nobody move!
I'll go check.
Delta, foxtrot, how we lookin'?
Moron, moron,
wait for my signal.
There might be a problem.
Okay.
Ooh, man, that's a lot of hummels.
Okay, she is not home.
The lights are on a timer.
We are good to go.
Kevin, can you
come here a minute?
- What's going on?
- We got the storm coming.
Honey, we can't
take this tree down.
What are you talking about?
Still standing by.
I-I... you know what?
Just give me a second, okay?
Look... they carved
their initials in it.
Mrs. hoost
and her husband.
I mean, it must
have been years ago.
It's so romantic.
And now this tree,
that's all she has.
She's also got a big nephew,
and you're gonna get
a great tan this summer.
Honey, no.
This... it represents the life
that they used to have.
I mean, if anything
ever happened to you,
I don't know what I'd do.
You would waddle around
in our sweet-ass, warm pool.
- That's what you'd...
- No!
I'd be like her, and I'd be
sitting in our kitchen alone.
But I wouldn't even
have a tree to stare at.
I can't take it down.
Look, I just...
I want you to be happy, you
know, and... thank you.
But now's our chance
if we're gonna do it.
I know. I know that you do,
and I appreciate that.
But just...
We got to call it off.
All right.
- Guys, you know what?
- Uh... we're good.
- Good?
- We're good.
Roger that!
Wait, wait, wait!
Oh, no!
What?
What?
No!
You know, technically,
I did take down the tree
and move the pool.
Anything else
you want me to take care of?
♪♪
I got to say,
2017 was pretty great.
Mm. You know,
2018's gonna be even better.
Hey.
Mm.
I got to tell you,
I don't think I'm gonna make it
till midnight, though.
Oh, me neither.
You know what we should do?
We should record the ball drop.
That's fine with me.
Are you expecting someone?
No.
♪♪
Precisely Synchronized by srjanapala
---
♪♪
Ah! Morning.
Hey. You're up early.
Yeah, chale's gonna help me
study before class.
Oh.
Okay, mom, if you're gonna
start juicing,
you still got to hit
the weight room.
Very funny.
No, I'm giving out
flu vaccines at school,
and this morning,
I'm gonna give one to your dad.
Whoa. He's gonna let you do that?
Every time he sees a needle,
he freaks out and faints.
I know, and that's why this time,
we're gonna do things
a little differently.
You're gonna shoot him
with a blow dart
while he's walking to the shower?
Like an animal.
No.
I'm gonna stick him
with this little sucker
before he even wakes up.
Like an animal.
Honey?
Honey?
Ooh!
Okay.
Gonna be so easy,
'cause he's so sleepy.
What the heck?!
Ow!
I'm sorry!
I was trying to surprise you
with the flu shot this year
so you wouldn't faint
when you saw the needle.
What? Ow.
Oh!
*KEVI CAN WAIT*
Season 01 Episode 14
"Kevin Vs The Dutch Elm"
Precisely Synchronized by srjanapala
All right, babe. I'll see you later.
Where are you going?
- Oh, I'm going to Enzo's.
- Hmm?
Yeah, once every five years,
his grandmother sends
this icebox cake from Italy.
It is life-changing.
It is just layers...
Graham cracker, chocolate pudding,
Graham cracker, chocolate pudding,
Graham cracker, chocolate pudding,
Graham cracker, chocolate pudding,
Graham cracker, chocolate pudding,
- Graham cracker...
- Okay.
- I got it. I got it. I got it.
- You know?
And then, it's chocolate pudding.
Okay. All right.
I get it, but why
do you have to go so early?
Oh, 'cause if I don't, you miss it,
then it's gone, and I got
to wait another five years.
- So, what I do is,
- Oh.
I tell all the guys
"hey, show up at 1:00,"
because I know
they're gonna show up early
to get the lion's share,
so what do I do?
I show up 12:30.
Okay. Well.
That is very thought out.
Yeah. You must care a lot.
Um, quick... What grade is Jack in?
Fifth.
Si... sixth. Fifth?
It is fifth. Sixth? Fifth.
Fifth? Sixth.
- Fifth? Six...
- Wow.
No, it's fifth. It's si...
Well, change your face
expression so I can...
Give me help here.
Oh, my God.
Enjoy your cake.
Um... oh, and when
you're there,
tell Duffy to bring his truck tomorrow.
His truck? For what?
We're moving the pool.
We're moving the p...
Where'd that come from?
What?! Oh, no. Don't even start.
We talk about this every year.
You put it up in the wrong spot...
Underneath
the neighbor's dead tree.
There's leaves everywhere,
there's no sunshine,
the water's freezing.
I mean, the thing is basically
a giant squirrel urinal.
We're moving it.
All right, fine. You know what?
I will move it,
but I can't do it tomorrow.
So I'll tell you what,
we will sit down Monday
- with our calendars...
- No! No, no, no!
No excuses this time!
You realize you've been trying
to get out of this for years.
Okay, I think
you're exaggerating.
Hmm?
I can't move the pool today.
My toolbox is missing.
Goody's having a garage sale.
I feel a little nauseous.
It's gonna rain.
You got to give me more notice.
You know what it is?
I just need a "me" day.
Mets are in the playoffs!
It's an inner-ear thing... No balance.
I thought we were trying
that chicken place.
I think my rib popped out
a little bit in the front.
It hurts.
You-You know what it is?
I-I'm very garlicky.
Today?
Our pool?
Okay, fine. I'll do it. I'll move it.
Thank you. I just got to say,
I am feeling a little
- something in my throat...
- nope! Nooooo!
♪♪
Okay, here we go...
Enzo's grandmother's icebox cake.
It's been a good five years, boys.
D-Dig in.
I'm just gonna come out
and say it...
It's a little off.
It's a lot off.
I've been waiting for this forever.
I barely slept last night.
Not cool, Enzo's grandmother.
Ah, come on, guys.
She's 98 years old, blind in one eye.
It's a miracle
she can hold a spoon.
I don't know.
I'm just saying,
you promise you're gonna
do something, deliver.
Exactly. Quality drops,
get out the game, Nana.
I mean, I'm gonna keep eating,
but I ain't happy about it.
By the way, what was with that,
uh, text you sent me earlier...
Something about
bringing my truck around?
Oh, yeah.
I need all you guys to help me
move my pool tomorrow.
Wait, I'm sorry.
I heard "move my pool."
Are you... are you
out of your mind?
No. Listen, I've been
promising Donna forever.
I-I got to move it.
The neighbor's got a dead tree.
It's hanging over,
it's blocking the sun.
It's a whole thing, believe me.
You realize what a hassle it is
to move an aboveground pool?
What's the problem?
Just empty out the water,
pick it up, and move it.
Hey, groot, it's not
a kiddie pool, okay?
There's panels and rivets,
and don't even get me started
on the... on the filter.
Well, hold on for a second.
You said that the tree
is blocking the pool, right?
So why don't you
just get rid of it?
What do you mean?
Think about it.
We're watching the game, okay?
We can't see the TV 'cause
mott's fat head is in the way.
What do we do?
Unscrew the brackets
and move the TV?
No. We tell mott
"you move your fat head."
Exactly.
Hey, guys, I'm taking a lot
of unnecessary shots here today.
So, let me ask you this.
What do you think is easier...
To take down a tree
or to move a pool?
No-brainer, guy.
Tree.
Give me a chainsaw, phone
charger, and a tuna sandwich,
I'll have that thing
out of your life in 40 minutes.
Why do you need a phone charger?
I keep losing mine.
So, you want to... Chop down mott?
It's a metaphor.
But think about it.
The leaves, the lack of sun...
That's all coming
from the dead tree.
Oh, you will say anything
not to have to move that pool.
B... bel...
I-I will move the pool.
The pool... Moving that's easy.
You drain the water,
you push it to the side.
It's... it's like a kiddie pool.
It really is.
The issue is the tree.
Yeah, but you think
I don't know that?
I would love
to have the tree down,
but that's never gonna happen,
because it belongs to Mrs. hoost.
And I have talked to her
a bunch of times.
She's a nightmare.
Maybe for you.
Y-You can be a little off-putting.
That's all I'm saying.
"Off-putting"?
Just because
you're very beautiful.
And you're young.
Okay, that's the thing.
You show up there, she sees you,
she's an older lady.
She sees the skin.
She's like, "I'm a raisin."
What do I do?"
- Uh-huh.
- It's just...
- Uh-huh.
- Look, I can go over there.
I can get permission
from Mrs. Hoost right now.
Oh! I really don't think
you know what you're up against.
Are you kidding me?
It's called conflict resolution.
I dealt with it every day
on the streets.
You start nice, you come in
with a little honey.
If it doesn't work,
you bring a little heat.
Okay, well, what is it
that you like to eat
when you've failed
and you're depressed?
'Cause I'll just start
making that now.
Oh, okay. I'm not failing,
and I'm not gonna be depressed.
I'm gonna be very happy.
And you know what I like
when I'm happy? Fajitas.
[ Grandfather clock chiming,
ticking ]
Boy, what a...
What a lovely home you have.
I love the couch, the plastic.
It's like having a pool raft,
but inside.
You could throw up on this,
and 10 minutes later,
you clean it up,
you're back in the game.
I like it. It's good.
Ooh. That is a lot of, uh...
What are these called?
- Hummels.
- Hummels?
You have a lot of them.
I like that.
Ohh!
These guys are making biscuits.
Okay, I'm gonna put that down.
Anyway...
Uh... I feel remiss
that we haven't spent
more time together as neighbors.
And that said...
Did you receive the invite
to the new year's Eve party
at our place?
I don't think you did.
No.
It was an e-vite, you know?
You should check
your spam folder for that.
Either way,
you should come next year,
'cause it's gonna be
off the chain.
I'm in bed at 8:30.
Make an exception next year,
'cause it's gonna be cray-cray.
You are a very boring man.
Okay.
I have an early flight
to Florida in the morning.
You should go.
Ooh!
You're going to Florida.
Nice, nice!
Laying out, catch some rays...
I like it.
My sister died.
Still, you got to get some color
for the wake, right? I mean...
Ooh! You know
what I could do?
I was thinking...
I could do you a favor,
'cause you know that dead tree
that's on your yard
and kind of half on our yard?
I could cut that down
while you're gone,
write up a receipt,
and just charge you half.
That's all. We'll split it.
The tree is not dead.
It's dead.
Not dead.
Not making plans for the spring.
Let's say that.
The tree is not going anywhere.
Let me put it to you this way.
You want to know
what I'm known for?
Giving honey
and bringing the heat.
And guess what.
I'm out of honey, all right?
One call to the town, they'll
declare that thing a hazard,
and they'll rip it down
themselves,
and they'll foot you
with the bill.
Or we can do it the easy way.
You know what I'm talking about?
You wash my back, I wash yours.
I don't want you to wash me.
Wh... no, I mean, I'm not...
It's not actually washing...
Rutger!
Who's rutger? R-Rutger?
I didn't even know what that...
Is this man
bothering you, Tante?
He wants to wash me.
What the hell?
No, no, no. It's an expression.
Uh, you know,
it's... it's like
"I do you a favor,
you do me a favor"...
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
My... my wife
couldn't make it today.
Ah, good times.
Anyway, we got a stick a pin
in the tree thing for now.
So good to see you again.
And, Rutger, uh...
I invited her to a, uh...
New year's Eve jam we're having.
You're always invited, too.
Ooh! Love the tattoo.
Look at that shape.
That's a weird one.
I got them in scheveningen.
Okay, I'm gonna assume
that's a prison.
Saying my goodnights.
She... is a Badger.
I told ya.
A nasty, Dutch Badger.
And how about Rutger?
He's a barrel of laughs, huh?
Who's that?
I don't know, but they were
making fun of your boobs.
- I did not like it.
- What?!
Yeah, they were like,
hey, look at her.
Are you kidding me?!
- That is not okay!
- I know.
Believe me, I didn't like it at all.
Oh, we are
so taking that tree down!
I wish we could, all right?
It would be
the perfect weekend, too,
'cause she's going
to Florida, but...
'Cause then,
they would come back,
and they would know it's me.
Right.
Look, I...
I promised you
I'd move that pool,
and I will do it, okay?
Tomorrow. No excuses.
All right, well, thank you,
but, I mean,
you can't do it tomorrow...
There's a big storm coming in.
I still get credit
for offering, though, right?
Honey, there's a big storm
coming in.
You know what that means.
I don't have to come up
with an excuse tomorrow?
No. No, no, no.
It's the perfect cover.
So, she goes to Florida,
and we knock down the tree,
and then
we blame it on the storm.
I like it.
See, now I am happy!
Okay!
And, you know, when I'm happy...
I didn't make fajitas.
- That's not cool, Donna.
- Okay.
I made you burgers.
Okay. See? I'm happy again.
Okay, well,
they're Turkey burgers.
Why do you do this to me?!
Okay, we called
this family meeting because...
Well, we just want you to know
tonight's gonna be...
It's gonna be
a little weird, you know?
Um, your mom and I are gonna do
something legally...
Iffy.
It's just a little iffy,
you know?
Yeah, yeah. But it's not a crime.
No.
No, it's more like...
A neighborhood prank.
Exactly. Exactly.
What we're gonna do... The point is,
w-we're gonna rip down
Mrs. Hoost's tree.
Cool.
Yeah.
And so we just want
to let you guys know,
just in case somebody
says something to you,
comes up to you
and asks you, you know,
"hey, did you hear anything
about the tree thing?"
You would say...
"What? What tree?
Never heard of a tree."
He's talking about
the tree next door...
The one
they're ripping down, idiot!
Okay, you gonna work with him?
Yeah, I'm on it.
Okay.
Okay, dad,
you cannot kill that tree.
It's a mercy kill, all right?
I mean,
it's already half-dead.
And your mom and I,
what we're doing,
we're just...
We're basically
just putting a little pillow
over its face.
Yeah, and if your father
works the chainsaw right,
tree's never gonna feel a thing.
Okay, no, I don't care
about the tree, guys.
But there's a family
of squirrels that live in it.
I mean, where will they go?
Are you kidding me?
No. No, in the morning,
when I have my coffee,
I like to watch them
run back and forth.
All right, y-you do know
that we tell people
you're the smart kid?
What's that supposed to mean?
Exactly.
Let's just catch them,
and we can let them loose
in the park or something.
Chale, can you help me out here?
Uh... Mr. gable,
I agree with Kendra.
You need to relocate
those adorable squirrels.
I can't see anything in here!
They're in there.
I guarantee it.
Hold the sack
against the knothole.
I'll start tapping.
Keep going!
I think I hear something!
Whoa! Whoa, it's working!
I got one. Awesome.
All right, that's good.
Wow.
Okay! You got to
slow it down now!
You got to stop it!
They're filling up the bag!
My eyes!!
All right, the squirrels
have been relocated
to the trees behind carvel.
And I think we all owe
a big thanks to chale.
That was a...
That was a crazy attack.
I would have helped you out,
but you, uh...
You're still my hero.
Oh, don't.
Wait for the rabies test
to come back.
All right,
so, we all know our job?
Yeah, it's simple...
Mott cuts a wedge in the tree,
we tie the main line
to Duffy's truck,
goody and I are on the guidelines.
You give the signal,
we bring her down
like a baby's head on a pillow.
You've done this before?
No, but I watch a bunch
of those logging shows.
All right, storm's picking up,
so let's get crackalackin'!
Come on, come on, come on!
Oh, by the way,
if the cops show up,
I'm flipping like a pancake.
In prison, guys with my physique
go for a premium.
I'm proud of you, babe,
for saving those squirrels.
And I know
if it came down to it,
you'd do it all over again.
Actually, I wouldn't.
I'd hire someone to gas them.
Like... sleeping gas?
Sure.
♪♪
All set, Duffy?
I'm in the truck,
the rope's attached,
and I'm standing by.
Over.
By the way,
I think your milk turned.
My coffee tastes weird.
Copy that. It's almond milk.
Donna's going through
a thing again.
Roger that.
If you like the almond milk,
you should try the hazelnut.
Fat-free,
and you'd never know. Over.
How does that stack up
against soy?
Hey! Why are we talking
about milk, ladies?
There's a tree
that needs to come down!
I think we're good to go.
Okay, uh, yeah.
All right.
Let's do this.
We're ready.
Yeah. Standing by.
Stand by, 1.
Cold and ready.
Okay, on my count.
Three, two...
Oh, god.
Go, go, go!
Hold up, hold up, okay?
Her light just came on.
Okay, well, don't be a big baby,
all right?
It's probably just on a timer,
so nobody move!
I'll go check.
Delta, foxtrot, how we lookin'?
Moron, moron,
wait for my signal.
There might be a problem.
Okay.
Ooh, man, that's a lot of hummels.
Okay, she is not home.
The lights are on a timer.
We are good to go.
Kevin, can you
come here a minute?
- What's going on?
- We got the storm coming.
Honey, we can't
take this tree down.
What are you talking about?
Still standing by.
I-I... you know what?
Just give me a second, okay?
Look... they carved
their initials in it.
Mrs. hoost
and her husband.
I mean, it must
have been years ago.
It's so romantic.
And now this tree,
that's all she has.
She's also got a big nephew,
and you're gonna get
a great tan this summer.
Honey, no.
This... it represents the life
that they used to have.
I mean, if anything
ever happened to you,
I don't know what I'd do.
You would waddle around
in our sweet-ass, warm pool.
- That's what you'd...
- No!
I'd be like her, and I'd be
sitting in our kitchen alone.
But I wouldn't even
have a tree to stare at.
I can't take it down.
Look, I just...
I want you to be happy, you
know, and... thank you.
But now's our chance
if we're gonna do it.
I know. I know that you do,
and I appreciate that.
But just...
We got to call it off.
All right.
- Guys, you know what?
- Uh... we're good.
- Good?
- We're good.
Roger that!
Wait, wait, wait!
Oh, no!
What?
What?
No!
You know, technically,
I did take down the tree
and move the pool.
Anything else
you want me to take care of?
♪♪
I got to say,
2017 was pretty great.
Mm. You know,
2018's gonna be even better.
Hey.
Mm.
I got to tell you,
I don't think I'm gonna make it
till midnight, though.
Oh, me neither.
You know what we should do?
We should record the ball drop.
That's fine with me.
Are you expecting someone?
No.
♪♪
Precisely Synchronized by srjanapala