Kevin Can Wait (2016-2018): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

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Hey, there you are.

Since it's your
retirement party tonight,

if the leaves in the front
yard got raked up today,

that'd be great.

Oh, that'd be unbelievable.

What happened to, "I got you"?

I mean, you're home now.
You have nothing but free time.

But that's the misconception
about retired people.

Some of us are very active, like me.

I got the guys coming over at
11:00 for a little day drinking.

Then we're all gonna learn
how to use crossbows.



- Hey, Dad?
- Yeah.

I probably shouldn't go to school today.

I-I think I got a
concussion from football.

Jack, you play "Madden" football.

Yeah, but yesterday I got excited,

and I hit myself in the
face with the controller.

I'm still not right.

He's got to be a huge letdown after me,
right?

I got to be honest. Neither of
you knocked it out of the park.

Okay, I think what your father
means is we love you both.

Now, backpacks are packed. Let's go.

- Have a great day.
- Bye.

Love you. Goodbye. Be good, okay?

Oh, I got you a little retirement gift.



I mean, if you have
time in your schedule.

I will move some things around.

Let me see. What do you got?

To a great cop, for a job well done.

It's a Gyro Bowl.

Oh, I know what it is, Donna.

[Laughs]

It's the bowl that won't spill.
How did you know I wanted it?

Every time the commercial came on,

you kicked out your
legs and you screamed.

Yeah, and it worked
because now I have one.

All right. Let's test this baby out.

We got to start small.
Let's try some pretzels, okay?

I was worried that when you retired,
we'd be bored.

Okay.

Now, give me a scenario where
I might spill it. Come on.

Okay, you're on a fishing boat,

- having a snack.
- Oh.

- I like that.
- Yeah.

Oh, look... look at
that. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Look at that. Oh.

- But the water's choppy.
- Oh, is it choppy?

No, it's choppier than that. Oh.

Yeah, ooh, ooh.

And then...
And then a huge wave smashes into you!

- Oh!
- Oh, nothing!

Nothing!

All right, I want to
do it. It's my turn.

Okay, uh,
we got to kick it up a notch, though.

Let's go with, uh...
We're going with ketchup.

Okay. All right, great.

- All right.
- Ready?

Oh, see, this is why I love you.
You have no fear.

Yep.

Okay, good. All right.

Now, you give me a scenario.

Okay, now, you are a prostitute.

You...

Wow, I'm sorry.

I don't even know where that came from.

I don't even...

Wow is right. Oh, and you know what?

How about I am a school
nurse who's about to be late?

You're not a prostitute.
You're a princess.

Yeah, no, no, you're a good princess.

Seriously, no, you're a
princess who donates to charity,

and you started your own foundation.

I got to go.

- Oh.
- I love you. Bye.

♪ I am not your ordinary guy ♪

20 years ago, four bright-eyed dreamers

embarked on a journey to
keep this county safe.

A boatload of murders and
5,000 armed robberies later,

here we are no worse for the wear.

- Hey!
- [Laughter]

Happy retirement, boys!

Yeah! Now, it's our time.

- Yeah, baby!
- Whoo!

All right, now, last
week during bowling,

we talked about a
cross-country motorcycle trip,

but we were a few beers
in when we discussed it.

Yeah. When I woke up, I totally forgot.

I got seven kids.

I can't swing that chunk of time.

Mott, these kids are gonna be problem.

I can feel it already. All right.

Let's put the bike trip
on hold, all right?

Now, Thursday, we got our go-kart race,

and on Friday,
we got shooting paintballs.

But you know what?

If we want to kick this
retirement off with a bang,

I say we combine them.

We call it, like,
"paint-kart" or "go-balls."

Yeah, I'm not down with go-balls.

But remember, it's 50 bucks a man,

and cash, Mott, okay?

No leftover gift cards
from The Container Store.

We get it... Your sister works there.

What's up, boys?

- Oh.
- Whoa.

Don't mind me.

Just an active-duty firefighter

bringing a little chili
for the party tonight.

Kyle, to call yourself a firefighter,

don't you actually have to fight a fire?

- [Laughs]
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on, Goody. Leave my brother alone.

No, no, I got this.

For your information,
I could go on calls.

But, you know, the
guys like my cooking.

I can't help it if I know
my way around a spice rack.

All right, guys, can we focus, please?
Go-karts.

Actually, I can't do go-karts Thursday.

I got to drive my wife
to the orthodontist

to get her braces put on.

Come on. You got to be kidding me.

She's got a smile like
a busted picket fence.

What... Come on, guys!

You with your kids,
your wife with her teeth.

Get your priorities straight!

I'm not doing this for me.
I'm doing it for all of us.

And by the way,

not one thank you for the
PowerPoint presentation.

I enjoyed it.

Nah, it's too late.

- Oh, man.
- What?

Alvarez from the fourth precinct.

His wife just gave him the boot,
and he needs a place to stay.

Well, how about you,
Duff? You're single.

Oh, I can't.

I got my parents staying with me.

You mean at their house?

[Laughter]

Yeah. What about you?

You have the garage to rent.
Put him in there.

I'd love to help a fellow cop out.

It's just that Donna wants
an old lady in there.

She thinks they're more reliable.

But Alvarez's father
owns Frank and Steins,

that hot dog and beer place.

I know they'd sponsor the softball team

we've been trying to start.

And then after the games,
we're looking at free beer.

All right, I'll figure out

how to get Donna on board with Alvarez.

Yeah, and let's be honest.

I mean, most of the stuff
we're doing for retirement

is just okay.

The beer is what makes it great.

Thank you so much.
We'll be in touch very soon.

[Gasps] Oh, my God.

And she knits, which is,
like, basically quilting.

How great is she?

Pbht!

What?

No, you've turned down everyone.
What's with you?

She would be the perfect tenant.

Okay, first off, she's
addicted to heroin.

You saw the track marks.

Track marks. Those
were varicose veins.

Oh.

Please. Grandma's riding the dragon.

Kendra: Everybody, I'm home!

- Kendra?
- Yeah. Hey.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

Oh.

There's my baby girl. Look at this.

I thought you had midterms.

What? I wouldn't miss
your retirement party.

Now, what would make you happier
than anything else in the world?

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.

All-American burger.

Well, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Backpack.

Oh! Mama!

Now, if there was a strawberry shake...

- Hood.
- Oh!

See...

that is why she's my favorite.

Hey, grab plates.
There's burgers in there for all of us.

Huh? Actually, there's only four.

All right, fine, you
guys can split one. Okay.

You didn't tell him, did you?

About your boyfriend?
No, you told me not to.

Okay, good. I'm ready
to tell him myself.

Oh, great. Okay, but not tonight.

Tonight is your dad's retirement party.

All right, we got to
think of a good time.

Um, ooh, Sunday, right after church.

Yeah, there's a
one-hour window in there

when he's trying to be a better person.

He's coming tonight with his roommate.

What? No!

No.

Honey, I haven't laid the groundwork.

Okay, you know what? Fine.

Just introduce him tonight.

Let him make a good impression,

and then I'll hit your dad
with the boyfriend thing later.

Hey, guys, quick update...

Uh, I'm already two burgers in, and...

there's really no sign
of me slowing down.

So I think we're gonna have to
rethink the burger fractions.

Well, you know,
we don't have time to eat, anyway.

We have to interview more tenants.

Oh, thank God, 'cause I ate all of them.

♪

So, Mr. Alvarez, I got to tell you,

we're not just taking
anybody for this apartment.

But... my gut tells me you're all right.

Oh, I see you're a
cop. Hmm, small world.

You guys ever meet?

I want to say no.

We met. Couple times.

I also want to say yes.

Listen, I just really appreciate
you guys considering me.

My wife kicked me out.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

No, no, my shrink says I
got to own my part in this.

[Inhales sharply]

I've been battling a pretty
good-size drinking problem.

Blackouts, mouthwash, the whole nine.

It says here your middle name's Carl.

That's pretty cool.

I'm sorry. Did you say drinking problem?

Yeah. And it doesn't help
that my dad owns a beer joint.

Uh-huh.

But by the grace of God, I am sober now.

18 days.

Uh, can you give us a sec?

- Honey?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Sure.

Please tell me this was not
just a setup to get free beer.

Okay, that's how it started, all right?

But I didn't realize he had
this many issues. All right?

And I'd be lying if I said the free beer
thing wasn't, like, calling my name.

It's like, uh...

No.

It's right there.

No. I'm calling back
that other old lady.

You know, the one you
labeled a gangbanger.

Look, I know it sounds crazy,
but I want to help this guy.

I mean, he's a good cop.

He's drinking mouthwash.

Was drinking mouthwash, okay?

You know how small the cups are,
really, when you pop them...

Okay, stop. Stop.

I've been going through
your retirement budget,

and, honey,
you're spending money left and right.

You're building a go-kart.

And did you really buy a
fast pass for the water park?

Yeah, I'm retired. I'm
not waiting in lines.

Fine.

If this guys flakes,

you're gonna have to get a side job.

Okay, I'll... I'll be
home here, all right?

I'll watch.
And... Please, cops help cops.

[Sighs]

Fine. Okay?

I'll let you have this
one... On probation.

But the first slipup, and
this guy's out. Agreed?

Agreed. All right, but let's be clear.

Is drinking a slipup or
a pre-existing condi...

Okay, it's a slipup.

♪

Look, I had a little
cake made up for you.

Aww. Ohh.

Is that a dead body?

That's not just any dead body.

This is your husband's
first homicide scene.

Oh.

Well, his little head fell off.

No, no, no, no. That's
where it ended up.

Uh, hey, Dad.

I hope you don't mind,

but I invited some friends from school.

- Hey, I'm Todd.
- Oh.

Congratulations on your retirement,
Mr. Gable.

Yes, congratulations. I'm Chale.

You know, I have a lot
of cops in my family,

so much respect, sir.

Well, Thanks, Todd.
So, are you boys pre-law with Kendra?

I... I am, but I also play baseball.

I mean, it's crazy,

but the Mets and the Cubs
are looking at me, so...

- Really?
- Yeah.

And, uh, Chale got his
degree in computer science.

He's working on this amazing app.

I still don't have the exact idea yet.

I'm circling it,
but it is going to be massive.

You may be coming to my
retirement party next year.

[Chuckles]

You know, I played some ball myself.

- No.
- I was a pitcher, yeah.

What? I actually
hit 90 once on the gun.

Oh, my God. That's some nice heat.

- It was one time.
- Hey, hey, Dad.

Um, I need to tell you something, okay?

And please, I don't
want you getting upset.

Honey, please,
I'm gonna stop you, all right?

Look, relax.

I know I've been tough on
your boyfriends before,

but I like this one. Todd's a winner.

It's not Todd. It's Chale.

Who's Chale?

I'm Chale.

We're in love.
lt'll be a year in October.

Uh, excuse me. [Mumbles]

Donna. Donna.

Kendra's been dating a guy for a year.

Oh, she told you? I asked her to wait.

- What? You knew about this?
- Yes, I did,

but thank you for sticking to the plan,
honey.

Well, I had to do something.
Dad was falling for Todd.

Oh, uh...

Of course I was. He's awesome.

But Chale... Nothing, no sparks.

No...

Why didn't you tell me
she's dating someone?

Because I asked her not to.

And we're not dating. We're engaged.

Engaged?!

What?!

Hey, guys?

One of your smoke detectors
is low on battery.

Keeps chirping... That's how you know.

- So, if you got a 9V and stepladder...
- Okay, thanks. Good, yeah.

I'll bang it out for you right now.
Yeah, appreciate it.

Nobody is getting married, okay?

No, I agree.

You need to focus on
school and then law school.

Honey, we talked about this.

Okay, Mom, Chale and I have a plan.

And it starts with developing his app.

Guys, he's a visionary.
He wants to change the world.

Well, you know what?
I want to go on tour with Taylor Swift.

But I don't know her,
and I don't play guitar.

And in your mind,

those are the only
things holding you back?

To be continued. Okay, listen to me.

I want to hear the rest of this plan.

Okay, it's very simple.

I got my old job back at the diner,

and... I'm dropping out of school

to support Chale until he makes it big.

- Okay.
- Honey, that's not a plan.

That is literally every
stripper's backstory.

You know what? I-I have my own plan.

Okay, I'm leaving,
and I'm not coming back till you...

No.

Figure out how to make
things work with Todd. Todd!

♪

Okay, everybody's gone now. Can we talk?

Not now. I'm training.

Come on.

You haven't used that thing

since you took it out of
the box eight years ago.

It was six years ago,

and you don't know how
many times I've used it.

Uh, actually, Lance,

the odometer tells me exactly
how much you've used it.

Thank you for stopping.

I'm not stopping. I'm
coasting down a hill.

Okay.

Look, we have a lot to deal with,

and I understand that you're upset.

No, no, no.
You hid this from me, all right,

and that's now how we do
things in this family.

Sometimes we do.

There's a lot of stuff
that you don't know.

I know everything that
goes on around here.

I'm a cop. Yeah, if...

Even if you think I don't know,
trust me, I know.

Sara just got suspended for fighting,

and Jack started seeing the
school therapist for anxiety.

Oof. I didn't know that.

Wow. My head is spinning.

I know. lt's a lot to throw at you.

Nope, it's the bike.

I haven't been on that thing in years.

[Sighs]

I'm sorry, all right? It's just...

I mean, everything was in place.

Kendra was gonna blaze
through law school.

Jack and Sara, they were gonna...

do something.

I don't know.

Now the guys are bailing on me.

It's like we're all falling apart.

Oh, honey, I know.

But you're home now.

You know, we'll get Jack and
Sara back on track together.

Right now, we just need
to focus on Kendra.

Yeah, she's going back
to school, that's it.

Agreed.

And she's not marrying that guy.

He's a loser, he's a bore-fest,

and he... he doesn't
deserve my daughter.

Whoa.

What?

I just heard my father's voice.

That's exactly what he said about you.

I know. Everybody heard the toast.

♪

Dad, what are you doing here?

I came here to tell you you're
throwing your life away.

Okay, I can't talk to you right now.

I'm working.

[Clears throat]

Now you got to talk
to me. I'm a customer.

And by the way, I'm on the Yelp now,

so will bring this place down.

Well, that's not my table,

so good luck telling Ellie
how to live her life.

- Hey, guys.
- [Scoffs]

How's it going?

Oh, the pot pie looks sick, huh?

Chock-full of chicken.

- So you want to talk here?
- Just go to the counter.

Okay.

He thinks he's my dad.

I don't understand you.

Y-Y-You always make great decisions.

Why are you doing this?

Dad, why can't you trust me?

And why can't you give Chale a chance?

He's sweet, and you always told me

to find someone who respects
me and makes me feel special.

I think we get all that with Todd.

Okay, Dad, look.

This isn't easy for me.
Okay, my feet are killing me.

I keep burning my fingers
on the stupid toaster,

and I'm pretty sure the
busboy is stealing my tips.

Yeah, I see you, Louie.

Look, you and mom were dead
broke when you started out,

and you guys made it work.

Chale and I can, too.

Okay, look, look, stop, stop. Okay, hey.

All right, if you promise
to go to school down here,

you and Chale can move into the house,
all right?

I just... I won't rent the garage.

But I-I thought you needed
that for your retirement.

We'll figure something out, all right?

Come on. I love you.

[Sighs]

Oh, thank you, Dad.

Now you have to get Chale on board.

I got to what?

You made a pretty bad first impression.

And... And please, please be careful.

He's sensitive.

Oh, yeah? Where?

'Cause that's exactly
where I want to punch him.

Hey, Chale.

Uh, Mr. Gable, please.
There's no need for a scene.

Obviously, we are both alpha males.

I'm texting Kendra.

She shouldn't be waiting tables,

putting all of her
dreams on hold for mine.

A-And now it's causing
problems with you.

I love her so much, but...

I have to break up with her.

Oh.

Well, you do your thing.
I just needed the mustard.

That's all I wanted.

Hey, Chale, don't, uh...

Don't send that.

Look, uh, I want Kendra
to stay in school,

so she's gonna come back
and live in the house.

And I... I'd like you
to live there... too.

Oh, well, that...
That's really generous.

I... Yes, you've got me.

Uh, we're practically family now.

I'm not normally a hugger.

Good, then we're good. Okay.

We got charged 90 bucks

for four tubs of Muscle
Milk protein powder.

Oh, that was me.

I was watching "Rocky III,"
and I got all fired up.

And then I, uh...

I'll return it.

Thank you.

Oh. So, how's the job search going?

I don't want to count my chickens,

but you could be sleeping with the guy

who's in charge of
securing the perimeter

of Hempstead Auto Mall.

Ooh. I like the sound of that.

No, I mean you're gonna have to
sleep with that guy so I get the job.

That's what I'm talking about.

- Whatever I got to do.
- [Chuckles]

Hey, come here.

You're pretty awesome.

What was that for?

Aw, you know what I'm talking about.

You did a great thing for your daughter.

We'll make it work.
It's... It's what we do.

But I know you think your
retirement is screwed up.

No, I had two days. It was a good run.

No, I know you had your heart set

on building an indoor zip line
or going to ninja camp or...

I don't know.

So, you don't get to race
go-karts with paintball guns.

You do get to spend a lot
more time with your kids,

and at the end of the day,
isn't that ultimately better?

Kevin: Four two decades,
we protected and served.

Now we rule these streets.

Dad, my... My seat's wobbly.

Yeah, that's 'cause I, uh...
I added it last night,

and the light wasn't too good.

But [clears throat] hey,
listen, if we get separated,

just meet back at the house, all right?

You're gonna be good.

3...2... 1!

Go!

♪

[Screaming]

Come on!

Enjoy the bushes, Goody.

[Screams]

Aah! Come on!

On the right.

[Tires screech]

[Laughs] Ohh.

[Tires screech]

Look out!

- Oh! Oh! Ow!
- Yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

[Tires screech]

Yeah, baby! I win!

[Laughs]