Kevin Can F**k Himself (2021–2022): Season 2, Episode 4 - Jesus, Allison - full transcript

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---
Now where's this guy
with the pills?

Hey, what the hell
are you doing?!

I was saving you.

This is your best bet
for a new identity.

This needs to last you
the rest of your life.

You need a real person...
Young, single...

- Dead.
- Dead.

I found a Gertrude Fronch.

Uh-huh.
No, no. Not happening.

I can't give you
your job back.

I don't work here
anymore?



I said I would try
with her, and I will.

You thought my dad
was a psycho intruder.

We almost shot him.

Oh, I live here
permanently now.

You think Gertrude's
what I should do?

- I think so
- Then that's what I'll do.

What?

Patty?

Everything's ready.

I need you here.
I'm...

I'm leaving tonight.

Allison.

God, he could be sleeping.

He's not.
He's in a critical coma.



Now let's get outta here
before some nosy nurse comes in.

Oh, I need a minute.

Kevin heard from one of
his cop friends

that he moved a finger.

Oh.

Well, we can't
let him wake up.

Let him?
We...

We... We're not here...
We're not gonna...

No! No, no, no.

Just needed to see
with my own eyes

that he was still
in a coma.

I keep
having these dreams.

Well, here he is.

Okay.

Yeah, it'll be fine
when I leave.

Neil can get drunk,
say whatever he wants.

He can wake up
screaming my name,

and they'll just be ruining
the life of a dead woman, so...

Be like none of this
ever happened.

Still nothing
from your PI?

No. I gave him Gertrude's name
and information,

but he hasn't returned
my calls.

I think Chuck's got him
in hiding.

Maybe you can...
call him?

What? Well, he loved you,
you charmer.

I feel like maybe
he'd return your calls.

Sure.

Tammy's still asking questions
about the last favor

- I did for you, but...
- Yeah.

Use me as bait, I guess.

Oh, sh...

Hi... Cindy.

Patty.

Um...

We were, uh...
We were just...

This is Allison.

I'm Allison.

Patty wanted to come by
and check on Nick.

We heard he was getting
a little bit better.

Oh, not really.

I mean, you can tell
'cause the cops

stopped handcuffing him
to the bed.

Ah.

Even they don't believe
he's gonna get up.

Ah, well...

We will...
leave you to it, then.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, and happy birthday.

Birthday?

Thank you, Cindy.

- It's your birthday?
- Tomorrow.

Well, how come she knew
and I didn't?

I dealt to Cindy.

We have, like, a bond.

You have a bond?

We broke into her house
together.

Did she get you off the hook
for selling oxys to old ladies?

The more times you bring up
the one nice thing

you ever did for me,
the less nice it gets.

I have done more
than one nice...

Name anything else.

See?

But, yeah, I will go ahead
and call your PI for you, sure.

You don't have to
do that.

No, no, it's fine.

'Cause soon you'll be gone,

and it'll be like none of this
ever happened, right?

We're planning a surprise party
for Patty.

- You are?
- We are.

I need it turned around
quickly,

and you are the expert
in partying.

Ah.
Where'd you hear that?

You had it printed
on business cards.

Only took 10 years
of marriage,

but you're finally
useful to me.

Excuse me?!

What was that?

Did a demon just achieve
its final,

most powerful form
in our kitchen?

No, my dad has
a new girlfriend.

And the girlfriend has...
a laugh.

Wait. When did Pete get
a new girlfriend?

I haven't heard him talk
about another woman

since your mother
had the good sense to die.

I was trying to get him
out of the house,

so I signed him up
for some dance classes.

That sounds thoughtful.

I figured, you know,
he might fall down,

break a hip,
have to go live in a home.

It's a win-win!

There it is.

But instead,
he's got a girlfriend.

And the girlfriend
has that laugh.

Pete's not even funny.

I know.
A laugh like that...

You keep that hidden
until after marriage.

And here she is,
just showing it off

like it's a cool
barbed-wire tattoo.

Okay. Well, hey, you can
distract yourself

by helping me
plan this party.

You really planning
on surprising Patty?

Yes. Patricia O'Connor?

How many Pattys
do you know?

In Worcester?
Like 18.

Fair enough.

But I need money.
I need you to get booze.

I need this party
to be incredible,

one-of-a-kind, special.

Patty deserves it.

When is it?

Tomorrow.

Sounds real special.

Oh, shut up.

Okay. Well, just, you know,
call Diane,

tell her to stock your booze
from the store.

Well, she's in
South Carolina.

No, she isn't.

Chuck tracked her down,
went to go see her,

reminded her
what she was missing.

And that worked?
Ish.

She's "taking some time"

over at the extended stay
over on Shady side.

Hmm. I don't know
what's more depressing...

Life with Chuck
or life without him.

Muffled television playing
through wall...

*FEVIN CAN F**K HIMSELF*
Season 02 Episode 04

Episode Title: "Jesus, Allison"

♪ I put awaye Lover"
those suitcase dreams ♪

♪ Smiled a little sultry
smile ♪

You got my hair products
andlotion?

Yeah.

That was a nice surprise.

And there's literally
nothing better

you can do
for a woman of color.

That stuff was half off,
most of it, so...

really not a big deal.

Of course not.

And what about you?

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

What about me?

I mean, if I was to get you
a nice surprise,

what would it be?

I hate surprises.

Okay, but I'm sure there's
something that you want

for yourself.

♪ Time has passed,
I'm playing my guitar ♪

Ugh! Whatever.

I know that your birthday
is tomorrow.

Why do you know that?

Because I knew you would
never tell me, so I...

looked you up
a little bit.

Okay, that's...
s-sweet?

And I found out you got
caught shoplifting

a pink thong
when you were 16.

I learned my lesson.

I never tried to wear pink
again.

I'm glad you turned
your life around.

So what do you want to do
for your birthday?

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Ah, uh...

Probably nothing.

Neil sometimes takes me
ice skating,

but, um, he's been
a real ass lately, so...

More than usual?

Yeah, I
guess we're not...

Um, we're not really
even talking,

so family ice skating
is definitely off.

Well, if you want to go
to the rink, I can take you.

N-No.

T-Thanks, but...

And Allison can come, too.

Allison?

Yeah, I'm sure
she'd want to come.

And... you're friends.

See how I say that
with no visible eye-roll?

Uh-huh.
Yeah.

Well, don't hurt yourself.

Uh, yeah, I just...
It...

Hey, I don't want a fuss
about it, you know?

And I... I...

I just... I want a quiet day
alone to myself.

Self-care
or some shit.

If you're sure.

I am, yeah, so can we please
go grab dinner?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Yes.
Um, just give me a minute.

Um, yeah,
just give me one minute.

Oh, boy.

What?

Patty, did the PI
get back to you yet?

'Cause I have to...

I have to go.

Tammy.

Hi.

Um, Patty's not here.

I know. I, um...

actually came
to talk to you.

Ah.

Can I...?

- Uh, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Mm. Just...

Well, I'll sit... Okay.

So, how...
How can I help you?

So, I'm sure you know that
it's Patty's birthday tomorrow.

And she doesn't want to
do anything,

and I thought maybe
together

we could force her
to go to a bar or something.

Ah.
Actually, I, um...

I'm planning a surprise party
for her tomorrow.

- A surprise party?
- Yes.

- For Patty?
- Yes.

Have you thought this
through?

Uh, yes, I have.

And she's gonna...
She's gonna love it.

Were you gonna
tell me about it?

Yes.
I wa... yeah.

Um, it was just all last-minute,
and I was actually,

um, gonna ask you
if you would help me plan it.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

O-Okay.

Okay?

Okay.
Ah.

I'll come tomorrow morning
and help you out with errands.

We can do it...
together.

- Okay.
- Alright.

So I'll see you
tomorrow?

- Yeah.
- Um...

You should probably get
some more decorations.

Well, y-yeah.

Yes, that's the...
That's the plan, so...

- Okay. Well...
- All...

- Thanks. Bye.
- Bye.

Hey, make sure to leave me
a breathing hole.

Remember, the character's name
is the Incredible Tape Man.

Hey, Kevin, weren't you
supposed to be helping Allison

throw that party that sounds
like a terrible idea?

Was I?

And, Neil, aren't you supposed
to be distracting Patty,

keeping her away
from here?

Am I?

Two against one.
I guess I'm wrong.

Ah-ha!

Look at your face!

I can see you boys are just
gonna have me in stitches.

Neil, this is
my girlfriend, Lorraine.

She's got both
her original hips,

and she uses them.

Come on!

I'm a dance instructor
at the senior center.

And it makes me
very good at sex.

- Get in there.
- Oh!

Get in there!

Oh, Kevin, I think you got
a dying animal in your chimney.

I just heard the most
unholy sound from outside.

Never mind.

Diane, don't even bother

bringing that booze
to the kitchen.

Right in front of me
is just fine.

Ugh, God.

I can't live like this.

Oh, yeah, the laugh is rough,
but, uh, I don't know,

kinda miss having a little
noise in my life, you know?

Ah, still not back
with Chuck, huh?

Well...

Uh...

Phew.
Uh, absolutely not.

You know, I don't exactly miss
his one-bean salad, but...

you know, it...
It might beat the sadness

of the Worcester View Suites.

Worcester has a view?

No.

A man-free home, huh?

Sounds joyless, scary,

and free from
the kind of smells

that remind you
that you're alive.

I guess.

Anyway, I-I'll see you boys
later at the party.

Alright,
we'll see ya, Diane.

Bye-bye.

Neil, buddy,
I figured out

how we're gonna break up
my dad's relationship.

I just got to "Parent Trap" him
with my aunt by marriage.

Do I look like the smartest
person in the world?

You're gonna have to spell it
out a little bit more

for me, pal.

We're gonna set up Pete
with Diane.

But we got to do it
ASAP at the party,

which now
needs to be perfect.

So I need you to go and distract
Patty like Allison said,

and I will lay
some groundwork, alright?

This is now
priority number one!

Okay, well, can you at least
help me de-tape my face first?

Nope, no time, no time.

Go! No time.

Oh, God.

There is absolutely
no time at all.

Of course.

Come in.

Ah.

Are you burnin'
something?

No.

Yes, maybe.
Whatever.

- What are you doing here?
- I'm taking you to the rink.

Did you forget?

No, I...
I didn't forget.

I-I just thought
that you...

Nothing.
I'll get ready.

Get moving, then.

Shut up.
Be five minutes.

Alright.

The pancakes are delicious.

Allison.

Sorry.

Well, the doorbell works,
just for future reference.

I just came to the back
so Patty wouldn't see.

Excuse me.

Just, uh...
Just lettin' ya know.

Just trying to preserve
the surprise.

Eh, it's fine.

But you're sure
it's a good idea?

Yes, it is a...
A nice thing that I'm...

We are doing,
and she's gonna love it.

She said yesterday
that she hates surprises.

Well, whenever Patty says
she hates something,

that means
she really wants it.

Did you invite
your people?

Just a few friends from work
and some of her clients.

Okay, well, uh, so I'm gonna
have to get a cake

and some apps
and her gift,

and, um, want to get
some more streamers.

Yeah, looks like there's
still some work

that needs
to be done in here.

Yep.

Yep, that's why we're getting
an early start.

So, let's... let's go.

Think after several decades
of coming here for your birthday

you'd be just
a little bit better at this.

Nobody wants to be great
at ice skating.

It's like karaoke.

Being good at it
is just annoying

to the people
you go with.

Ah.
Aah!

Yeah.

I stand by what I said.

Could you help?

Neil?

So, how's work?

It's fine.

Do you know anything
more about the...

The guy who broke
into my place?

Um, I can't discuss
an active investigation.

Active.

How active?

Where are you from?

Uh, from here.

Same.

Any brothers or sisters?

Nope.

Only child.
Shocking.

What do you mean?

It just seems like you're
someone who never had to share.

Uh, turn here.

Patty's gift is
in an alley?

Yeah.

Okay, why is Patty's t
in an alley?

Because I-I wanted to get
her menthols,

and apparently,
they're illegal.

Well, they should be.
They're disgusting.

Yeah, but now she just smokes
regular ones and sucks on mints,

which is worse.

I know a guy
who sells them.

You know a guy?

Well, I worked
at a liquor store.

Ah, yes,
the underworld.

So you just, uh,
roll down the window,

do the exchange,
don't get out of the car.

You do know
I'm a police officer, right?

They're just
menthol cigarettes.

Uh, and I think cops
get a discount, so...

thank you.

You're welcome.

Uh... uh...

Uh, what the hell?

That's gonna be $75.

Who's that? Oh, uh, no one.

You said $50.

Nope. $75.

Okay, well, um...

I... can you just...
'cause I have to get this... call.

Sorry.

Okay, so now I'm not just
witnessing illegal activity,

I'm participating?
Hello?

Hey, the PI guy
called me back.

Really?
That's great.

What's great?

Who's that?

Nothing.
It's no one.

Um, so what did he say?

He says you need to get
Gertrude's death certificate

from City Hall,
and you need to do it fast.

Uh, and why is that?

Pleasure.

Thank you, Craig.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing!

So, just tell me what...
What were you saying?

He said you need to move
because something about it

being logged into the system
at the end of the month.

I think. He was eating soup
when he said it.

Okay, well, um, I know...
I-I-I think

I know someone
who could help us with this.

Allison, how are we gonna
steal something from City Hall?

Isn't that, like,
a felony?

I don't know.

W... I was nice enough to be bait
for you, and what, you don't...

You don't have any time
to talk to me now?

Uh, yeah, okay.

Okay,
I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

Oh, yes.
It is my birthday.

Thank you so much
for remembering.

Uh, we need to make
a new stop.

If it's holding up
a liquor store

to get Patty
a case of beer,

I'll pass
on the additional crime.

Good one.

Ah! Hey!

Move.

- Hey, guys. Whoa!
- Hey, watch it!

- Hey, guys.
- You okay? You alright?

You don't have to come inside.
I'll be quick.

People are showing up
in like an hour.

- Maybe we just skip...
- I will just be a minute.

Allison.

You don't have to
do this.

Do what?

Patty doesn't know
we're planning this party,

and I'm still not even
convinced she wants it,

so maybe we just
forget about it

and get her a gift card
to a nail salon...

No, no!
We have to do this.

It just seems like
it's becoming a lot.

Well, it's not.

I got this.

Excuse me.

I'll be back for that.

There's your sauces.

What do you need,
Allison?

I know.
I know.

This is...
This is the last thing, okay?

I need you to let me deliver
the standing order

to the board of Alderman
this week.

I, uh...
Well, it's...

You know, basically,
it's doing you a favor, right?

Why?

Um, I need something
from City Hall after hours,

and I delivered
the order before, so I know,

you know, it's basically
a ghost town after 6:00.

Oh, and I need a cake.

God, are you robbing
City Hall?

No, no, no, no, no.

I just need
a death certificate.

You said you'd just
be a minute.

Hey.

Um, Tam,
this is Sammy.

Sa... Sam,
this is Tammy.

When people see a cop
in a car,

they come up to ask
if there's a bust going on.

It's very annoying.

You're a cop? Uh, yeah.

Helping Allison?
Really?

Hel... Helping me
plan a party, okay?

So, are you guys
catching up,

or are you trying to make
my life harder for some reason?

Oh, no, we're done.

We're done?

We're done.

I'll get your cake.

♪ Turn around and bring
your love back home to me ♪

So...
Yeah.

How long have you and that guy
been having an affair?

What?

Sam.

You fooled around.

No!

No.

Okay, yeah.

It was one moment...
One moment...

And it's done.
Mm.

That explains why
he's so pissed.

I already feel terrible
about it, so yeah,

just...
Just pile it on.

Hey, I've met
your husband.

I get it.

Really?

I mean, what else
are you supposed to do?

Uh, a lot of people would say
I should get a divorce.

Right.

Like that's easy.

I know guys like Kevin.
They're just...

Mm. You remember
my partner Bram?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

He asked me to plant evidence
for him once.

He beat the hell
out of some guy.

Known drug dealer,
all-around scumbag,

but his place was clean.

Bram messed up
and I fixed it,

and everybody knew.

I don't even know
how he got me to do it.

So, yeah.

I don't think
you're a bad person

for cheating on
Kevin McRoberts.

Um, you gonna pick that up?
It's Patty.

Oh, I just told you...

Everybody knew
I planted that shit.

I'm a terrible liar.

This is Tammy.
Leave a message.

Hey, you.

Uh, it's... it's me.

Just... Just calling to see
what you're up to today.

On this day.

Uh...

Bye.

You can't cool it
for like two hours?

I'm mixin', aren't I?

You went to
the snack stand.

Where are my nachos?

You always just burn your mouth
and complain all day.

Yeah. You buy 'em for me
and I complain.

On my birthday,
we come to the rink,

you show off on the ice,
I fall, you make fun of me,

and then you buy me the nachos
with the cheese that's too hot.

It's the one thing
that you or any...

Anybody does for me.

It's what we've done
every other year.

Well, it's not
every other year, is it?

You really thought
that it was?

Come on!

Then why are we
even here?

Good question.

No!

♪♪

Shit.

Oh! You're home.

Wow! This place looks like
a real party.

Minus the people.

Alexa,
turn down the lights.

Okay.

Now you can't see that
there's nobody here.

Kevin, are you
actually helping?

You say that
like I never do.

I say that like
every time I ask you,

you pretend
to be hard of hearing.

What's that?

You know, I-I don't understand
why we're working so hard

on this thing that
Patty's gonna hate anyway.

Dad, today is not about
Patty!

It's her birthday. It's her birthday.

So?
I have a birthday, too!

That doesn't mean
that we just give up!

We can't let
those people win!

People whose birthday
it is?

Never surrender!

Alright, I pre-gamed
with a power hour

and this party is
all I have in my life.

Who's it for again?

Patty. Oh, that is a bad idea.

Oh-ho, Diane's here!

Diane's here, everybody.

Yeah. How are you, Diane?

Ah, well,
tell you the truth, Kev,

I'm a little, uh,
"ugh," you know?

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- It's been a rough couple of months.

- Fantastic.
- How about this.

How about you come on
into the kitchen.

That way you can be closer
to the good booze, right?

And Dad, I know
how you love drinking.

I really do!

So much in common,
you two.

Let's take a quick trip
into the kitchen, yeah?

That woman's laugh
is bad.

Hmm?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Um, so,
who did you invite?

Fitz and Parker
from the station.

My friend Rochelle, who Patty
seems to like... mostly.

And then I just dug
through her client book.

Her client book?

So these are all...
These are all clients?

It's a surprise party.
The whole thing's invasive.

And I just found the ladies
that've been going

to the salon for years.

Hmm.
I recognize her.

Just, um,
through Patty, or...

Through work.

Oh, that's Neil.
They're on their way.

I'll get everybody
together.

Okay.

For life.

We're banned for life.

Mom took me there.

Why don't you get me banned
from the gazebo

behind the library
where I had my first cigarette?

You know, ruin every good
childhood memory I have.

They made me pick up glass
off the ice.

Do you know how hard
that is?

I would've done it.

You would've, but you're
so drunk you can't bend over

without cracking
your head open.

Where are you going?

We need to pick something up
at Kevin's.

I need your help.

Of course that's where
we're spending tonight...

At Kevin's.

Just ask for one...
Just one day, Neil.

But I guess that's too much
to ask for

from a goddamn
violent drunk.

Surprise!

Jesus, Allison.

Okay, so it was
a bad idea.

That was the worst surprise
I ever seen.

She's so honest.

Alexa, lights up.

Okay.

Now Patty can see all the old
ladies who came to her party.

What the hell is this?

This is a party.

Try to have fun.

Oh, I'm so glad
you're finally here.

Oh, Kevin, that's...

That's exactly right.

Neil, buddy,
I'm in need of some backup ASAP.

I don't know, Kevin, I've...
I've had a day.

Neil, now is not the time
to get selfish.

Patty's birthday is
about me and my plan.

And right now, it's in need
of some serious mouth-to-mouth.

Alright, fine, you kiss Pete,
I take Diane?

What? No.

God!
How drunk are you?

Very.

This is...
A lot.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Drink up.
It'll go faster.

Uh, yeah, uh, thanks,
but would...

Would you get me a beer?

Because vodka is also...

A lot.
Yeah.

I thought I was making
some progress on you, but fine.

Beer it is.

Try to have some fun.

Sure thing.

Allison, why is every person
I sell pills to here?

Tammy......

Tammy handled the...
The invites

and, you know, found
your client book,

and I guess
it was the bad one.

Oh, God.

Also, the investigation
into Nick

and the drug stuff,
it's, um...

It's not entirely...
It's not entirely closed.

What? You're dating her.

I feel like you should've
known this already.

Why the hell would you
let her plan a party

with you
in the first place?

Because if I didn't,
she would hate me more

than she already does.

Oh, God forbid.

Okay, well, we'll just
clear the ladies out

before they talk to her
or the other cops, okay?

You just deal with Tammy
and I will...

Okay.
Yeah.

Hey.
What?

Happy birthday.

Okay.

And Lorraine went to nursing
school for a couple of years,

so she can check
everyone's moles for free!

Yeah, I mean...
she sounds okay.

But, Dad, don't you think a man
like you should be out there,

you know,
playing the field?

I get out of breath
if I sit up too fast.

If I play the field,
I'll end up under it.

Well, uh, what about
that Diane, huh? Huh?

I've known her
for 16 years.

Maybe she's been the one
right under your nose all along.

I-I mean, she was with Chuck,
you know?

Were you really lookin'?

I'm lookin' at her now.

She's, uh,
fresh on the market, Dad.

Very vulnerable.

Yeah.
H-Hey, Diane.

Come on over here.

Wipe your face first,
but then come on over here.

Yeah, Diane,
we were just saying, uh,

how great you look
tonight.

Oh, well, that's sweet.

I've been alternating
eating spoonfuls

of peanut butter
and chocolate sauce.

No carbs that way.

That's cute.

Yeah, i-it's basically
cooking.

Cooking? Me?

No.
I burn water.

Oh, uh, come on,
I've had your water

at one of your
game-day parties.

Oh.
Yeah.

Gotta love a girl
who loves football, huh?

Uh, yeah, I really did those
for Chuck, you know?

The only foot ball I care about
is the huge bunion

that started pulsating
on my foot yesterday.

You had that
looked at?

Oh, yeah.

But not by a doctor.

No, uh, see, uh,
I can't afford foot insurance

on my budget, you know?

So you're also in debt?

Oh, yeah.
A lot.

Yeah, but... but...
But I have been investing

in essential oils, uh...

Let me ask you something...
You boys ever think

about being
your own boss?

Okay, that's it.
Alright, son, look,

I appreciate you
trying to help me

sow my wild oats,
but no.

I do not want to
sleep with Diane.

Oh, excuse me?

Who said you were gonna
sleep with me?

Geez, Diane, you couldn't give
me anything to work with there?

W-What were we
working on?

I'll stick with what I have,
thank you.

And thank you, Diane.

I guess I see now it actually
could be worse than Lorraine.

You know, I think that worked
out pretty well in the end.

Indeed.
What do you say we, uh,

blow this lame shindig
and hit the bar?

Great idea!

We can celebrate
Patty's birthday without her.

Wait.
What about Lorraine?

Oh, she'll find us.

Okay.

Yeah, bye.

How do you know Patty?

Oh, s-something like
two and a half years

I've been coming
to Patty.

Not so much recently.

I-I stopped carrying
the hair dye she likes.

Okay, can I borrow you
for just a sec?

Cindy, uh, it... it was
so nice of you to have come.

Uh, but you might want
to get out of here,

because Tammy's friends...

Yeah, I remember
who she is.

Y-You're dating cops now?

She's also a woman.

Can you be shitty
about that instead?

You really think it's
a good idea with what you do?

I don't do it anymore.

Yeah, that's kind of
selfish.

Selfish?

Cindy, it was illegal.

Yeah, so... so's crossing
the street on a Sunday.

These are your people.

W-What, were you just gonna
leave them out in the cold

because, what, you're
so high and mighty now?

I'm not.
That's right.

You're not.

But you're trying to be.

When you're ready to
kick this phase

and help us out again,
give me a call.

See ya later.

Oh, oh.
Just...

right there.

Not sure this required
two people.

Well, I wanted
to include you. No, I know.

That's my way of saying
thank you.

Well...
can't wait to tell Patty

that we got out of this
actually liking each other.

I don't like you.

That is...
That's very rude.

No, it's not.
It's true.

And you don't like me.
It's fine.

People don't have to
like each other.

No, I li...
I like you.

No, you don't.

You don't like that I'm around
all the time,

and I don't like
that you are.

It's fine, really.

But here's the thing.

I should be around
all the time.

Me and Patty are together,
and that's the point.

And I don't know exactly
what it is you want from her,

but maybe you should
just back off a little.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Patty ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Okay.

Is this okay or should I go
somewhere else to smoke?

No, it's fine.

Oh, don't do that.

I, um... I got you
a carton of menthols.

Huh? It was
your birthday gift,

but it's more for me
because this...

This just bums me out.

Oh, thanks.

Thank you.

At least I did
one thing right.

Everyone told me
you'd hate a surprise party,

but I thought that...

Whatever.
I'm sorry about all this.

It was bad.

Top to bottom.

I know.

Oh.

But nobody's ever thrown me
a surprise party before.

Nobody's ever thrown me
a party before.

Of course, you did it,
so it was a disaster.

But normally,
I would've...

really liked it.

It was nice.

Thank you.

So that's two nice things
I've done for you?

Okay.

Now we're tallying 'em?

Well, I am determined
that you are gonna

look back
on your insane neighbor

Allison McRoberts
and miss her.

Hey.

Jesus.

Goddamn.
I'm not a goblin.

I'm just sitting here
and over 40.

Yeah, but you're, like...

Like, in the shadows.

That's how you're supposed
to drink alone.

Well, here.

Ah.

You're not drinking alone.

What's your excuse?

Didn't feel like staying
at the bar with the guys.

Is that enough?

Not when I've just been
insulted and rejected

by a man who I always thought of
as my creepy uncle.

Him and Kevin
were joking.

To who?

That, on top of all
the Chuck mishegasmeans...

I can drink this
until peach-like flavor

is coming out of my pores.

Ah.

But you moved out.

That's something.

Mm-hmm.

I went back home again
this afternoon.

I tried.

But it was... too hard.

Yeah.

Sam.
What are you...

Your plan was terrible,
and I can't do it.

Okay?

This is someone
I know at City Hall

who helped me
get my liquor license.

It wasn't exactly
above board,

but I'm sure
if you're willing to pay,

they'll get you
whatever you need.

This is it, okay?
After this, I'm done.

Whatever you're into,
I'm not interested.

No, Sam,
you don't understand.

I-I need...

You need to what?

Well...

Allison, you're stealing
a death certificate.

That's some serious
scam-artist shit.

I know you need money,
but...

never thought you'd
do something like this.

Sam, no, I-I'm not...

I'm not stealing anything
except for a piece of paper.

I'm not trying to
scam anyone.

I'm in trouble.

I'm leaving.

I-I have to, or I'll...

When I leave,

Kevin can't be able
to find me.

I need to be gone
for good.

So, um...

I'm faking my own death.

Hey.

It's the security footage
from Vermont, right?

11-21-20?

No, no, no, send it over.

I've been waiting for it.

Yeah.

Thanks.

You're not gonna tell anyone,
are you? I'm not gonna tell anyone.

I realized that this
empty diner

is the perfect spot
to spend a blackout.

You're leaving me?

Sam got me the number of
the shady guy at city hall.

I'm getting
the death certificate.

Okay.

Police!

Shouldn't we stop
and talk about this?

Where has that
ever gotten us?

Oh.