Kevin Can F**k Himself (2021–2022): Season 2, Episode 1 - Mrs. McRoberts is Dead - full transcript
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Kevin and Allison...
Together forever!
Oh! Aah!
- So what'd I miss?
- I'm gonna kill Kevin.
You know any
natural-born killers?
I think I might.
Okay, I can do it.
Is that a gun?
I have to protect us.
It was Nick. He wasn't supposed to come
for another week.
Oh, trust me, I know.
Aah! We don't take shootings
lightly.
You may not want
to go out of town.
I have a higher callin',
babe.
I'm running for office!
You're the one who tried to kill
her husband. And it was a bust.
And you're the one
who helped.
I heard everything.
Neil, it's not
what you think.
Uh!
You're not gonna tell
Kevin anything.
Ah. What the hell are you doing?
You were choking her! You were choking me!
I was not. I was trying
to get my phone back.
You had your hands
on my neck!
What the hell
were you thinking?
Oh, what? C-Come on.
She's trying to
play victim here?
You tried to kill Kevin.
Kevin!
You're insane.
Everyone has to know.
Kevin has to know.
He has to.
Oh, shit!
Allison?
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Allison?!
Okay, okay.
Allison? Okay.
We have to m-make it look
like none of this
ever happened, okay?
Like normal.
Normal?
But this isn't normal.
None of this is normal.
I didn't know what to do.
So you kettled my brother?
How does this help?
Well, he's
unconscious, right?
Which means
he's not talking.
He's also not moving.
What are we gonna do about this?
Allison, hello?!
I know, I know.
Just please
stop yelling, okay?
Okay, I have a plan.
I have a plan.
Give me your phone.
Why? Give me your phone, okay?
Who are you calling?
Why are you still yelling?
Hi!
Hi, hi, hi,
this is Allison.
Fine. Um, listen,
I could really use your help
with... something.
Hey.
I'm really sorry
about all this.
I know.
We'll fix it
together, okay?
All of it.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Oh.
Hey.Whoa.
Thank you. No, I mean hey,
hey, hey, Diane.
I... You okay?
Fine.
Okay.
Well, thank you
for bringing the hand truck.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Sure you're okay, D?
Chuck's been cheating on me
for 10 years.
With Tanya Iacono
from across the street.
Oh, D, that...
That is terrible.
I am so sorry.
Am I
that much of an idiot?
No, no, no, no.
Sh-She has this curly hair
like Felicity.
And she sells Avon.
Has all those
fancy creams.
But, D, you... you have
great hair, too, you know?
You're...
You're too good for him.
You're better off
without him,
so just...
Just kick him to the curb.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
It's fine, it's fine.Yeah.
Just... to hell with him.
Yeah.
Right?
The jerk can't
even remember to...
To drink water
unless I remind him.
He'll probably drop dead
in a week.
Oh, that's the spirit.
Oh, hey, let's, uh...
Let's go down the Seas
for a few, huh?
My treat?
Can I get a rain check?
Um, 'cause I've been
moving some furniture.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay, I'll just... Alright.
Bye.
You have to
keep him quiet.
I'm sorry, I've never had
a hostage before.
I'm not great at it yet.
I think it's technically
kidnapping, not hostage taking.
Are you serious?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
that's Kevin.
Oh, God.
Hmm?
Oh, God, what a night!
It's like I was made
for politicking.
It's those meaty mitts.
They're great for handshaking.
I've always been told
I'm ham-handed.
Now I made it a positive.
Ah, this belt
is killin' me.
Hey, think about it, though.
If you win,
you could make this town
a much better place to live.
For us.
It's true.
Think about it...
Parades,
no speeding tickets,
peeing outside any bar
we damn well please!
Hey! We have to
get him out of here.
Oh, yeah.
That's it. I think
this new City Councilman
has earned himself a beer.
No, hey...
Oh...
Lift with your legs.
Lift at all.
I am. Come on.
We got to focus.
This thing isn't yours yet.
They're picking the candidate
this week.
So step one... we got to
get your name out there.
Hmm.
Oh, I still got that bullhorn.
Remember when we protested
the grand opening
of that new vegan
barbecue place? Ugh!
No, we're gonna go
full "Mad Men" on this.
We're gonna come up with
an incredible TV ad campaign
and day drink.
We have two days.
You mean like an adad?
Yes. Something awesome?
Like my very own...
♪ Maybe it's Maybelline ♪
But tougher?
No!
Hell yes.
I'm Kevin McRoberts,
and I approve that message!
Thin much?
Okay.
Okay what?
What are we gonna...
How we gonna
deal with this?
How's he gonna
go to the bathroom?
I don't know yet.
He knows. Everything.
No, he doesn't
know everything.
And Nick is alive.
This whole thing, when it was
just the two of us,
I-I don't know.
It seemed reasonable,
justifiable.
But it wasn't,
and it's not.
He knows, Allison,
and now he's tied up
and bleeding,
and we did that, too.
Okay. Okay.
Look, this is bad.
It is.
But at least we bought
ourselves some time.
Hey? We'll figure it out.
I just...
need some more time.
Oh, God.
What time is it?
I have no idea.
Can't tell if it's been
20 minutes or 8 hours.
Oh, God.
Oh, no,
Kevin must be up by now.
Ugh.
Ah.
What are you doing?
I went for a run.
I got up early,
and I went for a run.
You're leaving me here
to deal...
No, no, no, no.
I'll be right back, okay?
I promise.
Finally, you kiss a baby
you dump the baby,
turn to camera,
say you approve
this message
because your name
is Kevin McRoberts.
Boom!
I don't know, Dad.
What don't you know?
Well, that's your name, son.
I know, but this ad has...
Has no pomp,
It has no whimsy.
A-And you did
all these drawings?
Yeah. Dad, they're terrible.
Look, this town has to believe
you're a serious candidate.
Serious candidate?
Dad, the only thing serious
about me is my heart condition.
I went for a run.
How many miles?
Two.
Hmm.
But, hey, I'm glad
that you're here,
because now you can hear
the new jingle
that I wrote for the campaign.
Ke... No.
Kev, we got to
get this right.
It's true. In two days,
the mayor is hand-picking
the next candidate.
And if the rumors
of his fetish are true,
he's also feet-picking.
You're... You're being seriously
considered for public office?
Absolutely!
I'm gonna be like...
Like an influencer,
but for politicking.
What do you call that?
Politician.
Oh.And... And so
this election, it's...
Here to stay, baby!
Like that mole on my hip
that I refuse to get looked at.
I nicknamed it Neil.
Speaking of,
where is Neil, anyway?
Neil? Neil... Neil?
Neil? Neil? Uh...
Has he not been around?
I just assumed
the world got quieter.
It is a rough ride
clinging to coattails,
but that is his job
as my best friend to hang on.
Maybe I need
to go remind him of that
in the form
of a purple nurple.
Oh, no, no,
because, you know,
Patty said that he got
food poisoning.
I guess he has that one plate
that he uses over and over.
Ah, yep, the blue one.
Son, he's a distraction,
alright?
We've got to get focused.
Got to get serious.
You got to get thick shoes
that won't be punctured
by stray needles.
We're going to the vacant lot
to shoot this political ad!
Aah.
Aw, man,
Neil is gonna be bummed.
He loves that place.
I've never hurt him before.
Hey.
Hey, if you need a reminder
of what he did...
Jesus.
You were basically
saving my life.
Oh, God.
Okay, we have to get him
to a doctor.
What, what? What?
That might be really bad.
I have no idea.
No. Hey. Hey.
He's awake. He's alert.
Watching all of "ER"
does not make you a doctor.
I don't like this situation
either, okay?
But we can't let him out
until we know he'll be quiet.
And how are we
gonna do that?
I don't know.
I don't...
Blackmail? I don't...
We'll figure it out, okay?
No, no.
We have to do something now.
Reason with him.
Reason? With Neil?
Yeah.
He's not a complete idiot.
He just wants you
to think he is.
Why?
Because... then
you pay his rent
and bail him out
for 30 years.
Wait, wait. What... Trust me.
This place is a vault.
Bitch.
Great start.
Okay, okay.
Neil.
This is
a misunderstanding.
A misunderstanding? Uh-huh.
Um, hello?!
You think I buy that I'm tied up
with a head wound
'cause I, what,
heard you wrong?
No. Yes.
It's 'cause you were
choking Allison.
No, no, no, you would've
just called the cops,
not whatever the hell
this is.
You tried to kill Kevin.
Fine. No...
Okay, but there were
circumstances,
and it was a terrible momentary
thing, and it's over.
It's done.
Oh, like I'm just gonna
believe you?
Look at what you did to me.
Well, look
what you did to me.
Oh, that's the same
as trying to kill someone?
It's all bad, okay?
And I can't believe
you helped her.
I thought you were one of us,
but this?
You're clearly nuts.
I always knew
you'd take after Mom.
Ow! You're a useless piece of shit
just like Dad! Okay.
You hear me?! Okay. Okay, okay.
Ah! Ow!
Neil.
Think about it.
Kevin's, like,
running for public office.
He's a public figure now.
So it'd be suicide
for us to try anything.
Right?
Right?
Yes, ri... Yes.
Yes.
Yes. Right.
Okay. So you're done
trying to kill my best friend.
Congrats.
You still tried once!
Who's...
Help!!
No! Oh! Shh, shh, shh! Help! Help!
Shut up! Okay. Shut up,
shut up, shut up, shut up.
You said
this place was a vault.
It is, but now's not a good time
to test that.
Hey.
Hey.
Isn't that
what you wore last night?
Mm, yeah.
I fell asleep on the couch.
Just woke up.
Ah.
Are you ready? Ready for...
Don't you have
a couple porch chairs
you Tom-Sawyered me
into putting together with you?
Oh.I mean, you said "with."
I assume you meant "for."
I'm... I'm sorry.
I, uh...
I completely spaced.
The truth is, is I'm...
I'm not feeling very well.
Oh, is that why
you slept on the couch?
Yeah, mm-hmm.
Sorry.
But you're in luck,
because I heat up
chicken noodle soup real well.
Mostly because
I add extra pasta...
Soup sounds great,
but let's not be here.
Let's go out. Are you sure?
I mean, if you're sick... No, no.
Going out will do me good.
Fresh air and all that.
Why don't you go keep warming
the car, and I'll...
I'll be there
in a few minutes
after I, you know...
pbht!
I don't know. I kind of like
this look even more day two.
Shut up. I'll be right out. I...
Help!
Shh!
It's Tammy.
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shut up.
Is she gone?
I-I told her I was sick
and I'd go out
for soup or something.
I don't know,
I think I blacked out.
How the hell
am I dating a cop?
Okay, no, no, it's good
to get her away from here, okay?
So you keep her happy.
I'll stay here.
Are you sure?
I don't want to leave you
alone with him.
It's fine, it's fine.
I'll... I'll work on him.
I'll try to fix it.
Okay.
I'll be quick.
Okay.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Please.
I really am sorry
about all this.
No, I really am.
I didn't know what to do.
It just got out of hand.
What?
Does Patty pay your rent?
It was our parents' duplex.
No, but the mortgage.
She has to, right?
'Cause you can't hold down a job
for more than
a couple of weeks.
It's not my fault.
I get overwhelmed.
Oh. Right.
And everything else?
Does Kevin pay
for everything else?
But how?
I can't even get him
to put gas in his own car.
He never does anything
I want him to.
Why would he?
You know how often
you say, "But, Kevin"?
Okay. We made a drinking game
out of it last St Paddy's day.
I blacked out.
Well, you also took a header
off Turtle Boy,
and Kevin laughed
till he puked,
so it was a great day.
You're always trying to make him
do stuff or not do stuff.
But when has nagging him
ever worked?
Never.
So that's why
you tried to kill him?
'Cause he doesn't care
when you whine?
Maybe he doesn't care
when I whine,
but he laughs
when you bleed.
Oh, come on.
Maybe someday
you'll see that.
Order up.
Isn't this place great?
It has zero charm,
which is of course my type.
Hey.
You feeling okay?
I'm sorry.
I, uh, um...
I thought getting out of the
house would help, but maybe...
maybe this was a bad idea.
Were you up all night?
Pretty much.
Maybe I just go back
with you.
No.
No. It's fine.
It's terrible being sick
and alone.
I wasn't alone.
Allison came by a few times.
Mm.
I know you don't like her.
But you don't really
know her.
Do you?
Know her or like her?
Either.
Yeah.
I mean, it...
It's just like
you with Bram.
I don't get it at all,
but you cut that guy
all kinds of slack.
He's my partner. Yeah, and she and I
are around each other a lot.
We put up with
the same idiots all day.
I don't know. I mean,
she looks out for me.
I look out for her.
If you say so.
I do.
Order up.
Excuse me.
Oh, good, you're home.
I need you
to look at something.
No, I am not
doing that again.
Just get a hand mirror and lift
your legs over your head.
No, my dad just sent over the
rough cut of our political ad.
I need the opinion of the...
uninformed public.
Please sit.
Kev, after what happened,
isn't it a lot
to put ourselves through?
It's not a lot, babe.
It's only a 30-second ad.
No, I mean this whole
election thing.
It's... It's...
It's too much.
It's not too much,
I promise.
We... We'll fund-raise.
It won't cost us a thing.
But, Kevin!
"But, Kev-i-i-in."
Never mind.
Let's watch the ad.
Yeah? Yeah.
Hi, I'm Kevin McRoberts,
everyday hero.
And I, Kevin McRoberts,
am running for City Council.
That's Kevin McRoberts...
K-E-V-I-N,
big "M," little "c," big "R,"
little "o," little "b,"
little "e"...
Why'd you pause it?
You didn't watch me
finish spelling.
Well, I know how it ends.
I'm... I'm just worried
that this ad, it...
It isn't you.
How do you mean? Dad says
it's all about name recognition.
That's my name.
No, I mean
it just doesn't...
capture how awesome
you really are.
Bro.
Call me
absolutely insane...
but you might
actually be right!
You know, when Dad
was story-boarding it out,
I did feel a little...
Like a... Like a weenie
little pansy boy
got dressed up by his daddy. Okay, okay.
You need to show your voters
who you really are,
your authentic...
kick ass self,
and they'll
remember you forever.
Forever?
Or at least
until they vote.
Yeah, but how would we
finish it in time?
The ad's due to Local Access 37
by tomorrow.
I'll help you.
Last time you said that,
you grabbed the wheel,
and I crashed
into a fire hydrant.
Instead of
a crowd of children.
That's it. It's settled.
You and me, babe,
we are gonna
Oh.make a political ad together!
Okay. Let's get our
creative juices flowing.
Okay, okay,
let's brainstorm.
Oh, no, no, that's what
I call pounding beers
and ripping shots.
Of course.
I'm in.
Yes! Here you go.
Let's introduce this town to
the authentic Kevin McRoberts.
And this time,
they're staying down!
Allison?
Allison?
What happened?
Where's Allison?
She ran out of here
right after you.
She did? Why?
She's with Kevin, probably
trying to kill him again.
What the hell
is she thinking?
What the hell
are you thinking?
No.
Don't start.
Don't start that
guilt-tripping crap.
Oh, it's crap?
Look at all this.
Ugh. I don't know why I'm bothering
to try and make you care,
because she won't let me go,
and you do what she says,
no questions asked.
That's not true. Oh, please.
I've been watching
you two.
She says "we" all the time
like you're in this together,
but, Patty, where is she?
You do the work,
and she calls the shots.
So why waste my time trying
to get you to help me, Trish?
Don't call me that.
But Lisa Fazzolari called you
that your entire junior year.
That girl kept failing
her driver's test,
and you'd chauffeur
her everywhere,
once to a party that you weren't
even invited to, right?
Shut up.
You just sat outside
keeping the car warm,
but this is
even more pathetic.
I don't care what you think.
You had your hands on her.
What excuse could you
possibly have?
It was an accident.
Every report card I ever got
said I don't know
my own strength.
And it was bullshit then.
She tried to kill someone.
I could argue it was
self "offense."
Oh, God. Just stop.
Jesus.
She's...
That is no victim.Neil.
Neil.
Neil.
Patty?
No, no, no.
Patty! Oh.
Patty?
Patty!
What happened?
Did he get out?
No.
I let him out.
- What are you talking about?
- I brought him to the hospital.
W-Why?
I had to.
Whatever happens, happens,
but having him sedated in there
is better than
dead in my basement.
Well, I didn't want him dead
in your basement, either,
but we could have found
another way.
Why didn't you trust me?
I couldn't wait for you
to realize this is serious.
Oh, you think
I don't know that?
I didn't want to hurt him.
I didn't want any of this.
But also...
Stop showing off the bruise.
Yes, Neil did that,
but you're not just
some victim.
He's gonna talk
when he wakes up.
Maybe he should.
What?
I hope not.
And I'll figure something out,
but I'll figure it out alone.
You don't have to
figure it out alone.
Why did you leave?
You left Neil
in the basement.
What were you doing
with Kevin tonight?
After everything
that's happened,
you're still trying
to kill him?
No, I just... I can't have him
in this election.
Can you imagine him in any
position of power? Come on.
I'm not an idiot, okay?
Don't you just assume
that I'll go along
with whatever you say,
on your side,
no questions asked.
You want him out so that you can
try to run him over
or force feed him Oxys
and no one will care.
He'll be...
He'll be nobody.
Patty, I'm sorry, okay?
But I had to do this tonight.
And it's done, I think.
So I am here.
I'm not gonna make you try to
figure this out by yourself, okay?
I really, I...
I am here.
No.
No, you're not.
Not anymore.
Just take care of yourself,
alright?
And I'll do the same.
Dad, Allison, come in here!
The ad airs
in like 30 seconds!
I'm exhausted, I'm hungover,
and this is all I'm living for.
I thank you
for your support.
I'm so excited.
My pulse is racing.
Have 911 pre-dialed.
Shoot,
I wanted to tape this.
Oh, no. Don't worry.
I called the station.
The campaign
bought 40 spots.
They'll be airing
over and over all day.
Shh, shh, shh.
My ad is on.
Wild Dude!
He is a cool dude.
He shoots the bad dudes.
The Worcester Wild Dude!
Is that the mayor? Yeah.
Yeah. I heard that he plays
darts, and Allison thought
that this might signal to him
that we could be bros.
Bros, yeah, bros.
The Worcester Wild Dude!
Where the hell is my ad?
Uh, scrapped
for authenticity.
That was awesome.
Now I guess
we just, uh, sit back
and wait for my political
star to rise.
Kevin, what happened
to messaging?
Assertive pointing?
Name recognition?
Uh, Dad, I'm pretty sure people
will remember me after that.
You didn't say
your real name once!
It's the mayor.
Uh, excuse me
while I retire to my office.
Kevin "Worcester Wild Dude"
McRoberts at your service.
I knew I should have stayed out
of politics after Whitewater.
The Clinton scandal?
No, I went rafting
with Gerald Ford.
The boat flipped. I had to
give him mouth-to-mouth.
What's up? I'm out of the race.
No!
No...
And he's filing
a restraining order against me.
Just like Jeff Probst did
against Neil.
Ugh, they booted me
from my destiny.
You nailed the mayor
in the eye!
- Hello?
- Diane? Hi.
We are going to the Seas, and I
am buying you a bunch of drinks,
because... maybe
this is a win for you.
They tried to kill him.
Can you believe?
Bitches tried
to kill me, too.
You're fine.
Everything's fine.
I've never seen you
drink like this.
Like I'm having fun?
Like there's no tomorrow.
Okay, what... what are we
toasting to again?
Feminism?
Feminism?
I don't know.
Or something.
Oh, la-di-da.
I didn't realize you were busy
changing the world.
I'm not.
But I did something,
and it feels amazing.
Mm-hmm.
I just need
to focus on that
before everything else
just crumbles to the ground,
you know?
Mm-hmm.
D!
This whole Chuck thing,
you're better off, okay?
You're never gonna have to look
at another open cabinet again.
Not just the cabinets.
The back door, the bathroom
vanity, the dishwasher.
I could have tripped over that
and broken my neck, you know?
But he couldn't
be bothered.
22 years, I spent closing stuff
behind that man.
No, D, this isn't sad.
This is like
when someone dies,
but they're really old,
so it's fine.
This isn't a funeral,
it's a celebration.
Yeah. Yes.
But I've been Mrs. Charles
McAnte for so long,
it's like... it's like
I like cleaning up after him,
because I don't know
what I did before.
Well, you... you were
a whole other person.
And you'll
find her again, okay?
Just need a few more wins.
Hmm.
Hey, is that Kevin?
It's on again.
Turn it up.
It... It is. It's Kevin.
- Wild Dude!
- "Wild Dude!"
- What?
- "He shoots the bad dudes."
- "He is a cool dude."
- He is a cool dude.
No, no, no, no.
"The Worcester Wild Dude!"
The Worcester Wild Dude!
Why is your husband on TV, huh?
Your husband's
the Worcester Wild Dude?
Yeah. That's awesome!
Okay. Okay, uh,
how do you know this ad?
Oh, it's been airing
over and over all day.
Then News Channel 12
picked it up.
I heard it made it over
to Channel 6 out of Boston.
Why?
It's hilarious.
I heard he's gonna be
over at Kelly's Bar tomorrow,
singing the song live.
Allison?!
Kevin's famous!
Oh. Okay,
that is worth celebrating.
I mean, I bet
Kevin never forgets
to close a cabinet
behind him, huh?
The only time
Chuck ever made the news
was during
the blackout of '03
when he looted
that dollar store, but Kevin?
Cheers, everybody!
Everyday Hero!
Put another win
on the board!
The world revolves around him.
No, it's not that it does,
it's that it has to.
No one deserves
what's coming to them
more than that asshole.
Yeah!
It's why he always wins.
Ugh.
Shoot.
Glad you went in a ditch
'stead of hitting anyone else.
The guys at the scene told me
you... fell asleep at the wheel?
Your husband a cop
or something?
Or something, yeah.
Must be nice.
What happened to you?
Got in an accident.
How do I
make this better?
Maybe you can't.
You didn't do this
on your own.
I hit him first.
At least now you're
free to focus on
whatever you're...
doing to Kevin.
I made it worse.
- What?
- Yeah, um...
Somehow I made him famous?
Got out of a DUI tonight
because the cops found out
I was his wife.
Wait.
You drove drunk?
What were you thinking?
I can't leave.
I can't kill him.
I'm stuck here like this
until I die,
and that's if I'm lucky.
That's if Neil doesn't talk
and Nick... you know.
So...
Why not get drunk
and drive my car?
Allison?
This self-destructive
bullshit?
Killing yourself?
It's just playing
the victim again.
Good morning!
Good morning.
I said, "Good morning."
Is it?
Of course it is.
I thought I was out.
I thought I was down.
But instead,
I'm a celebrity!
Oh, God,
I'm like a taste-maker.
I'm practically
the ninth Wahlberg.
You always
find a way to win.
And fix your face,
'cause you're winning
by proxy.
Right, like my face
is the problem.
Oh, and, uh,
as Mrs. Worcester Wild Dude,
you should
get a lot of cred,
which you need
after word got out
that you ordered Starbucks
over Dunkie's that one time.
But hey, I got a big, uh,
photo shoot this afternoon,
and I want you there
with me, baby.
I don't want
to be in photos.
Oh, no, I mean like
to cheer me on.
What do you think?
I think I'd rather
fake my own death.
What?
Patty, I figured it out.
Allison?
This self-destructive
bullshit?
Killing yourself?
It's just playing
the victim again.
Nick, your brother,
everything that's happened...
I know what we're gonna do.
Put it all on me.
God damn it!
I'm trying to fix this.
I have
a longer-term solution.
I meant it
when I said I'm out.
Okay.
Hi.
The electricity
is out at my place. Mwah.
I'm just trying
to save up right now.
Oh, yeah?
For what?
Vacation.
They discharged me early.
- Neil?
- Kev!
I gotta
tell you something.
---
Kevin and Allison...
Together forever!
Oh! Aah!
- So what'd I miss?
- I'm gonna kill Kevin.
You know any
natural-born killers?
I think I might.
Okay, I can do it.
Is that a gun?
I have to protect us.
It was Nick. He wasn't supposed to come
for another week.
Oh, trust me, I know.
Aah! We don't take shootings
lightly.
You may not want
to go out of town.
I have a higher callin',
babe.
I'm running for office!
You're the one who tried to kill
her husband. And it was a bust.
And you're the one
who helped.
I heard everything.
Neil, it's not
what you think.
Uh!
You're not gonna tell
Kevin anything.
Ah. What the hell are you doing?
You were choking her! You were choking me!
I was not. I was trying
to get my phone back.
You had your hands
on my neck!
What the hell
were you thinking?
Oh, what? C-Come on.
She's trying to
play victim here?
You tried to kill Kevin.
Kevin!
You're insane.
Everyone has to know.
Kevin has to know.
He has to.
Oh, shit!
Allison?
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Allison?!
Okay, okay.
Allison? Okay.
We have to m-make it look
like none of this
ever happened, okay?
Like normal.
Normal?
But this isn't normal.
None of this is normal.
I didn't know what to do.
So you kettled my brother?
How does this help?
Well, he's
unconscious, right?
Which means
he's not talking.
He's also not moving.
What are we gonna do about this?
Allison, hello?!
I know, I know.
Just please
stop yelling, okay?
Okay, I have a plan.
I have a plan.
Give me your phone.
Why? Give me your phone, okay?
Who are you calling?
Why are you still yelling?
Hi!
Hi, hi, hi,
this is Allison.
Fine. Um, listen,
I could really use your help
with... something.
Hey.
I'm really sorry
about all this.
I know.
We'll fix it
together, okay?
All of it.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Oh.
Hey.Whoa.
Thank you. No, I mean hey,
hey, hey, Diane.
I... You okay?
Fine.
Okay.
Well, thank you
for bringing the hand truck.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Sure you're okay, D?
Chuck's been cheating on me
for 10 years.
With Tanya Iacono
from across the street.
Oh, D, that...
That is terrible.
I am so sorry.
Am I
that much of an idiot?
No, no, no, no.
Sh-She has this curly hair
like Felicity.
And she sells Avon.
Has all those
fancy creams.
But, D, you... you have
great hair, too, you know?
You're...
You're too good for him.
You're better off
without him,
so just...
Just kick him to the curb.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
It's fine, it's fine.Yeah.
Just... to hell with him.
Yeah.
Right?
The jerk can't
even remember to...
To drink water
unless I remind him.
He'll probably drop dead
in a week.
Oh, that's the spirit.
Oh, hey, let's, uh...
Let's go down the Seas
for a few, huh?
My treat?
Can I get a rain check?
Um, 'cause I've been
moving some furniture.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay, I'll just... Alright.
Bye.
You have to
keep him quiet.
I'm sorry, I've never had
a hostage before.
I'm not great at it yet.
I think it's technically
kidnapping, not hostage taking.
Are you serious?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
that's Kevin.
Oh, God.
Hmm?
Oh, God, what a night!
It's like I was made
for politicking.
It's those meaty mitts.
They're great for handshaking.
I've always been told
I'm ham-handed.
Now I made it a positive.
Ah, this belt
is killin' me.
Hey, think about it, though.
If you win,
you could make this town
a much better place to live.
For us.
It's true.
Think about it...
Parades,
no speeding tickets,
peeing outside any bar
we damn well please!
Hey! We have to
get him out of here.
Oh, yeah.
That's it. I think
this new City Councilman
has earned himself a beer.
No, hey...
Oh...
Lift with your legs.
Lift at all.
I am. Come on.
We got to focus.
This thing isn't yours yet.
They're picking the candidate
this week.
So step one... we got to
get your name out there.
Hmm.
Oh, I still got that bullhorn.
Remember when we protested
the grand opening
of that new vegan
barbecue place? Ugh!
No, we're gonna go
full "Mad Men" on this.
We're gonna come up with
an incredible TV ad campaign
and day drink.
We have two days.
You mean like an adad?
Yes. Something awesome?
Like my very own...
♪ Maybe it's Maybelline ♪
But tougher?
No!
Hell yes.
I'm Kevin McRoberts,
and I approve that message!
Thin much?
Okay.
Okay what?
What are we gonna...
How we gonna
deal with this?
How's he gonna
go to the bathroom?
I don't know yet.
He knows. Everything.
No, he doesn't
know everything.
And Nick is alive.
This whole thing, when it was
just the two of us,
I-I don't know.
It seemed reasonable,
justifiable.
But it wasn't,
and it's not.
He knows, Allison,
and now he's tied up
and bleeding,
and we did that, too.
Okay. Okay.
Look, this is bad.
It is.
But at least we bought
ourselves some time.
Hey? We'll figure it out.
I just...
need some more time.
Oh, God.
What time is it?
I have no idea.
Can't tell if it's been
20 minutes or 8 hours.
Oh, God.
Oh, no,
Kevin must be up by now.
Ugh.
Ah.
What are you doing?
I went for a run.
I got up early,
and I went for a run.
You're leaving me here
to deal...
No, no, no, no.
I'll be right back, okay?
I promise.
Finally, you kiss a baby
you dump the baby,
turn to camera,
say you approve
this message
because your name
is Kevin McRoberts.
Boom!
I don't know, Dad.
What don't you know?
Well, that's your name, son.
I know, but this ad has...
Has no pomp,
It has no whimsy.
A-And you did
all these drawings?
Yeah. Dad, they're terrible.
Look, this town has to believe
you're a serious candidate.
Serious candidate?
Dad, the only thing serious
about me is my heart condition.
I went for a run.
How many miles?
Two.
Hmm.
But, hey, I'm glad
that you're here,
because now you can hear
the new jingle
that I wrote for the campaign.
Ke... No.
Kev, we got to
get this right.
It's true. In two days,
the mayor is hand-picking
the next candidate.
And if the rumors
of his fetish are true,
he's also feet-picking.
You're... You're being seriously
considered for public office?
Absolutely!
I'm gonna be like...
Like an influencer,
but for politicking.
What do you call that?
Politician.
Oh.And... And so
this election, it's...
Here to stay, baby!
Like that mole on my hip
that I refuse to get looked at.
I nicknamed it Neil.
Speaking of,
where is Neil, anyway?
Neil? Neil... Neil?
Neil? Neil? Uh...
Has he not been around?
I just assumed
the world got quieter.
It is a rough ride
clinging to coattails,
but that is his job
as my best friend to hang on.
Maybe I need
to go remind him of that
in the form
of a purple nurple.
Oh, no, no,
because, you know,
Patty said that he got
food poisoning.
I guess he has that one plate
that he uses over and over.
Ah, yep, the blue one.
Son, he's a distraction,
alright?
We've got to get focused.
Got to get serious.
You got to get thick shoes
that won't be punctured
by stray needles.
We're going to the vacant lot
to shoot this political ad!
Aah.
Aw, man,
Neil is gonna be bummed.
He loves that place.
I've never hurt him before.
Hey.
Hey, if you need a reminder
of what he did...
Jesus.
You were basically
saving my life.
Oh, God.
Okay, we have to get him
to a doctor.
What, what? What?
That might be really bad.
I have no idea.
No. Hey. Hey.
He's awake. He's alert.
Watching all of "ER"
does not make you a doctor.
I don't like this situation
either, okay?
But we can't let him out
until we know he'll be quiet.
And how are we
gonna do that?
I don't know.
I don't...
Blackmail? I don't...
We'll figure it out, okay?
No, no.
We have to do something now.
Reason with him.
Reason? With Neil?
Yeah.
He's not a complete idiot.
He just wants you
to think he is.
Why?
Because... then
you pay his rent
and bail him out
for 30 years.
Wait, wait. What... Trust me.
This place is a vault.
Bitch.
Great start.
Okay, okay.
Neil.
This is
a misunderstanding.
A misunderstanding? Uh-huh.
Um, hello?!
You think I buy that I'm tied up
with a head wound
'cause I, what,
heard you wrong?
No. Yes.
It's 'cause you were
choking Allison.
No, no, no, you would've
just called the cops,
not whatever the hell
this is.
You tried to kill Kevin.
Fine. No...
Okay, but there were
circumstances,
and it was a terrible momentary
thing, and it's over.
It's done.
Oh, like I'm just gonna
believe you?
Look at what you did to me.
Well, look
what you did to me.
Oh, that's the same
as trying to kill someone?
It's all bad, okay?
And I can't believe
you helped her.
I thought you were one of us,
but this?
You're clearly nuts.
I always knew
you'd take after Mom.
Ow! You're a useless piece of shit
just like Dad! Okay.
You hear me?! Okay. Okay, okay.
Ah! Ow!
Neil.
Think about it.
Kevin's, like,
running for public office.
He's a public figure now.
So it'd be suicide
for us to try anything.
Right?
Right?
Yes, ri... Yes.
Yes.
Yes. Right.
Okay. So you're done
trying to kill my best friend.
Congrats.
You still tried once!
Who's...
Help!!
No! Oh! Shh, shh, shh! Help! Help!
Shut up! Okay. Shut up,
shut up, shut up, shut up.
You said
this place was a vault.
It is, but now's not a good time
to test that.
Hey.
Hey.
Isn't that
what you wore last night?
Mm, yeah.
I fell asleep on the couch.
Just woke up.
Ah.
Are you ready? Ready for...
Don't you have
a couple porch chairs
you Tom-Sawyered me
into putting together with you?
Oh.I mean, you said "with."
I assume you meant "for."
I'm... I'm sorry.
I, uh...
I completely spaced.
The truth is, is I'm...
I'm not feeling very well.
Oh, is that why
you slept on the couch?
Yeah, mm-hmm.
Sorry.
But you're in luck,
because I heat up
chicken noodle soup real well.
Mostly because
I add extra pasta...
Soup sounds great,
but let's not be here.
Let's go out. Are you sure?
I mean, if you're sick... No, no.
Going out will do me good.
Fresh air and all that.
Why don't you go keep warming
the car, and I'll...
I'll be there
in a few minutes
after I, you know...
pbht!
I don't know. I kind of like
this look even more day two.
Shut up. I'll be right out. I...
Help!
Shh!
It's Tammy.
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shut up.
Is she gone?
I-I told her I was sick
and I'd go out
for soup or something.
I don't know,
I think I blacked out.
How the hell
am I dating a cop?
Okay, no, no, it's good
to get her away from here, okay?
So you keep her happy.
I'll stay here.
Are you sure?
I don't want to leave you
alone with him.
It's fine, it's fine.
I'll... I'll work on him.
I'll try to fix it.
Okay.
I'll be quick.
Okay.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Please.
I really am sorry
about all this.
No, I really am.
I didn't know what to do.
It just got out of hand.
What?
Does Patty pay your rent?
It was our parents' duplex.
No, but the mortgage.
She has to, right?
'Cause you can't hold down a job
for more than
a couple of weeks.
It's not my fault.
I get overwhelmed.
Oh. Right.
And everything else?
Does Kevin pay
for everything else?
But how?
I can't even get him
to put gas in his own car.
He never does anything
I want him to.
Why would he?
You know how often
you say, "But, Kevin"?
Okay. We made a drinking game
out of it last St Paddy's day.
I blacked out.
Well, you also took a header
off Turtle Boy,
and Kevin laughed
till he puked,
so it was a great day.
You're always trying to make him
do stuff or not do stuff.
But when has nagging him
ever worked?
Never.
So that's why
you tried to kill him?
'Cause he doesn't care
when you whine?
Maybe he doesn't care
when I whine,
but he laughs
when you bleed.
Oh, come on.
Maybe someday
you'll see that.
Order up.
Isn't this place great?
It has zero charm,
which is of course my type.
Hey.
You feeling okay?
I'm sorry.
I, uh, um...
I thought getting out of the
house would help, but maybe...
maybe this was a bad idea.
Were you up all night?
Pretty much.
Maybe I just go back
with you.
No.
No. It's fine.
It's terrible being sick
and alone.
I wasn't alone.
Allison came by a few times.
Mm.
I know you don't like her.
But you don't really
know her.
Do you?
Know her or like her?
Either.
Yeah.
I mean, it...
It's just like
you with Bram.
I don't get it at all,
but you cut that guy
all kinds of slack.
He's my partner. Yeah, and she and I
are around each other a lot.
We put up with
the same idiots all day.
I don't know. I mean,
she looks out for me.
I look out for her.
If you say so.
I do.
Order up.
Excuse me.
Oh, good, you're home.
I need you
to look at something.
No, I am not
doing that again.
Just get a hand mirror and lift
your legs over your head.
No, my dad just sent over the
rough cut of our political ad.
I need the opinion of the...
uninformed public.
Please sit.
Kev, after what happened,
isn't it a lot
to put ourselves through?
It's not a lot, babe.
It's only a 30-second ad.
No, I mean this whole
election thing.
It's... It's...
It's too much.
It's not too much,
I promise.
We... We'll fund-raise.
It won't cost us a thing.
But, Kevin!
"But, Kev-i-i-in."
Never mind.
Let's watch the ad.
Yeah? Yeah.
Hi, I'm Kevin McRoberts,
everyday hero.
And I, Kevin McRoberts,
am running for City Council.
That's Kevin McRoberts...
K-E-V-I-N,
big "M," little "c," big "R,"
little "o," little "b,"
little "e"...
Why'd you pause it?
You didn't watch me
finish spelling.
Well, I know how it ends.
I'm... I'm just worried
that this ad, it...
It isn't you.
How do you mean? Dad says
it's all about name recognition.
That's my name.
No, I mean
it just doesn't...
capture how awesome
you really are.
Bro.
Call me
absolutely insane...
but you might
actually be right!
You know, when Dad
was story-boarding it out,
I did feel a little...
Like a... Like a weenie
little pansy boy
got dressed up by his daddy. Okay, okay.
You need to show your voters
who you really are,
your authentic...
kick ass self,
and they'll
remember you forever.
Forever?
Or at least
until they vote.
Yeah, but how would we
finish it in time?
The ad's due to Local Access 37
by tomorrow.
I'll help you.
Last time you said that,
you grabbed the wheel,
and I crashed
into a fire hydrant.
Instead of
a crowd of children.
That's it. It's settled.
You and me, babe,
we are gonna
Oh.make a political ad together!
Okay. Let's get our
creative juices flowing.
Okay, okay,
let's brainstorm.
Oh, no, no, that's what
I call pounding beers
and ripping shots.
Of course.
I'm in.
Yes! Here you go.
Let's introduce this town to
the authentic Kevin McRoberts.
And this time,
they're staying down!
Allison?
Allison?
What happened?
Where's Allison?
She ran out of here
right after you.
She did? Why?
She's with Kevin, probably
trying to kill him again.
What the hell
is she thinking?
What the hell
are you thinking?
No.
Don't start.
Don't start that
guilt-tripping crap.
Oh, it's crap?
Look at all this.
Ugh. I don't know why I'm bothering
to try and make you care,
because she won't let me go,
and you do what she says,
no questions asked.
That's not true. Oh, please.
I've been watching
you two.
She says "we" all the time
like you're in this together,
but, Patty, where is she?
You do the work,
and she calls the shots.
So why waste my time trying
to get you to help me, Trish?
Don't call me that.
But Lisa Fazzolari called you
that your entire junior year.
That girl kept failing
her driver's test,
and you'd chauffeur
her everywhere,
once to a party that you weren't
even invited to, right?
Shut up.
You just sat outside
keeping the car warm,
but this is
even more pathetic.
I don't care what you think.
You had your hands on her.
What excuse could you
possibly have?
It was an accident.
Every report card I ever got
said I don't know
my own strength.
And it was bullshit then.
She tried to kill someone.
I could argue it was
self "offense."
Oh, God. Just stop.
Jesus.
She's...
That is no victim.Neil.
Neil.
Neil.
Patty?
No, no, no.
Patty! Oh.
Patty?
Patty!
What happened?
Did he get out?
No.
I let him out.
- What are you talking about?
- I brought him to the hospital.
W-Why?
I had to.
Whatever happens, happens,
but having him sedated in there
is better than
dead in my basement.
Well, I didn't want him dead
in your basement, either,
but we could have found
another way.
Why didn't you trust me?
I couldn't wait for you
to realize this is serious.
Oh, you think
I don't know that?
I didn't want to hurt him.
I didn't want any of this.
But also...
Stop showing off the bruise.
Yes, Neil did that,
but you're not just
some victim.
He's gonna talk
when he wakes up.
Maybe he should.
What?
I hope not.
And I'll figure something out,
but I'll figure it out alone.
You don't have to
figure it out alone.
Why did you leave?
You left Neil
in the basement.
What were you doing
with Kevin tonight?
After everything
that's happened,
you're still trying
to kill him?
No, I just... I can't have him
in this election.
Can you imagine him in any
position of power? Come on.
I'm not an idiot, okay?
Don't you just assume
that I'll go along
with whatever you say,
on your side,
no questions asked.
You want him out so that you can
try to run him over
or force feed him Oxys
and no one will care.
He'll be...
He'll be nobody.
Patty, I'm sorry, okay?
But I had to do this tonight.
And it's done, I think.
So I am here.
I'm not gonna make you try to
figure this out by yourself, okay?
I really, I...
I am here.
No.
No, you're not.
Not anymore.
Just take care of yourself,
alright?
And I'll do the same.
Dad, Allison, come in here!
The ad airs
in like 30 seconds!
I'm exhausted, I'm hungover,
and this is all I'm living for.
I thank you
for your support.
I'm so excited.
My pulse is racing.
Have 911 pre-dialed.
Shoot,
I wanted to tape this.
Oh, no. Don't worry.
I called the station.
The campaign
bought 40 spots.
They'll be airing
over and over all day.
Shh, shh, shh.
My ad is on.
Wild Dude!
He is a cool dude.
He shoots the bad dudes.
The Worcester Wild Dude!
Is that the mayor? Yeah.
Yeah. I heard that he plays
darts, and Allison thought
that this might signal to him
that we could be bros.
Bros, yeah, bros.
The Worcester Wild Dude!
Where the hell is my ad?
Uh, scrapped
for authenticity.
That was awesome.
Now I guess
we just, uh, sit back
and wait for my political
star to rise.
Kevin, what happened
to messaging?
Assertive pointing?
Name recognition?
Uh, Dad, I'm pretty sure people
will remember me after that.
You didn't say
your real name once!
It's the mayor.
Uh, excuse me
while I retire to my office.
Kevin "Worcester Wild Dude"
McRoberts at your service.
I knew I should have stayed out
of politics after Whitewater.
The Clinton scandal?
No, I went rafting
with Gerald Ford.
The boat flipped. I had to
give him mouth-to-mouth.
What's up? I'm out of the race.
No!
No...
And he's filing
a restraining order against me.
Just like Jeff Probst did
against Neil.
Ugh, they booted me
from my destiny.
You nailed the mayor
in the eye!
- Hello?
- Diane? Hi.
We are going to the Seas, and I
am buying you a bunch of drinks,
because... maybe
this is a win for you.
They tried to kill him.
Can you believe?
Bitches tried
to kill me, too.
You're fine.
Everything's fine.
I've never seen you
drink like this.
Like I'm having fun?
Like there's no tomorrow.
Okay, what... what are we
toasting to again?
Feminism?
Feminism?
I don't know.
Or something.
Oh, la-di-da.
I didn't realize you were busy
changing the world.
I'm not.
But I did something,
and it feels amazing.
Mm-hmm.
I just need
to focus on that
before everything else
just crumbles to the ground,
you know?
Mm-hmm.
D!
This whole Chuck thing,
you're better off, okay?
You're never gonna have to look
at another open cabinet again.
Not just the cabinets.
The back door, the bathroom
vanity, the dishwasher.
I could have tripped over that
and broken my neck, you know?
But he couldn't
be bothered.
22 years, I spent closing stuff
behind that man.
No, D, this isn't sad.
This is like
when someone dies,
but they're really old,
so it's fine.
This isn't a funeral,
it's a celebration.
Yeah. Yes.
But I've been Mrs. Charles
McAnte for so long,
it's like... it's like
I like cleaning up after him,
because I don't know
what I did before.
Well, you... you were
a whole other person.
And you'll
find her again, okay?
Just need a few more wins.
Hmm.
Hey, is that Kevin?
It's on again.
Turn it up.
It... It is. It's Kevin.
- Wild Dude!
- "Wild Dude!"
- What?
- "He shoots the bad dudes."
- "He is a cool dude."
- He is a cool dude.
No, no, no, no.
"The Worcester Wild Dude!"
The Worcester Wild Dude!
Why is your husband on TV, huh?
Your husband's
the Worcester Wild Dude?
Yeah. That's awesome!
Okay. Okay, uh,
how do you know this ad?
Oh, it's been airing
over and over all day.
Then News Channel 12
picked it up.
I heard it made it over
to Channel 6 out of Boston.
Why?
It's hilarious.
I heard he's gonna be
over at Kelly's Bar tomorrow,
singing the song live.
Allison?!
Kevin's famous!
Oh. Okay,
that is worth celebrating.
I mean, I bet
Kevin never forgets
to close a cabinet
behind him, huh?
The only time
Chuck ever made the news
was during
the blackout of '03
when he looted
that dollar store, but Kevin?
Cheers, everybody!
Everyday Hero!
Put another win
on the board!
The world revolves around him.
No, it's not that it does,
it's that it has to.
No one deserves
what's coming to them
more than that asshole.
Yeah!
It's why he always wins.
Ugh.
Shoot.
Glad you went in a ditch
'stead of hitting anyone else.
The guys at the scene told me
you... fell asleep at the wheel?
Your husband a cop
or something?
Or something, yeah.
Must be nice.
What happened to you?
Got in an accident.
How do I
make this better?
Maybe you can't.
You didn't do this
on your own.
I hit him first.
At least now you're
free to focus on
whatever you're...
doing to Kevin.
I made it worse.
- What?
- Yeah, um...
Somehow I made him famous?
Got out of a DUI tonight
because the cops found out
I was his wife.
Wait.
You drove drunk?
What were you thinking?
I can't leave.
I can't kill him.
I'm stuck here like this
until I die,
and that's if I'm lucky.
That's if Neil doesn't talk
and Nick... you know.
So...
Why not get drunk
and drive my car?
Allison?
This self-destructive
bullshit?
Killing yourself?
It's just playing
the victim again.
Good morning!
Good morning.
I said, "Good morning."
Is it?
Of course it is.
I thought I was out.
I thought I was down.
But instead,
I'm a celebrity!
Oh, God,
I'm like a taste-maker.
I'm practically
the ninth Wahlberg.
You always
find a way to win.
And fix your face,
'cause you're winning
by proxy.
Right, like my face
is the problem.
Oh, and, uh,
as Mrs. Worcester Wild Dude,
you should
get a lot of cred,
which you need
after word got out
that you ordered Starbucks
over Dunkie's that one time.
But hey, I got a big, uh,
photo shoot this afternoon,
and I want you there
with me, baby.
I don't want
to be in photos.
Oh, no, I mean like
to cheer me on.
What do you think?
I think I'd rather
fake my own death.
What?
Patty, I figured it out.
Allison?
This self-destructive
bullshit?
Killing yourself?
It's just playing
the victim again.
Nick, your brother,
everything that's happened...
I know what we're gonna do.
Put it all on me.
God damn it!
I'm trying to fix this.
I have
a longer-term solution.
I meant it
when I said I'm out.
Okay.
Hi.
The electricity
is out at my place. Mwah.
I'm just trying
to save up right now.
Oh, yeah?
For what?
Vacation.
They discharged me early.
- Neil?
- Kev!
I gotta
tell you something.