Kentucky Ayahuasca (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Danielle, Kevin & Tlawil - full transcript
When Shaman Steve clashes with his apprentice Tlawil, he is forced to make a change for the sake of his church. Teri helps a sexual assault victim work through self-forgiveness.
Steve: Well, Tlawil, I need to
talk to you about last night.
I was moving you inside
for the safety of the group.
But the group is fine.
And you're a medicine person.
I apologized.
That's not up for you to decide.
You're an apprentice.
You're not a shaman.
That's not up to you to decide
what goes on in my group.
And it's not up to you, either.
Yes, it is.
It's my church. I know.
And that's why you got to leave.
Steve: I've been
a lot of things in my life.
I've been a bank robber
and a prisoner,
but being a shaman
is my calling.
Ayahuasca
is a schedule-I narcotic,
the same as heroin and LSD,
but it's not a drug,
it's medicine,
and in my church,
it's a sacrament.
We can do in two days
what conventional therapy
may take years to do,
but only if you are willing
to step in to the pain.
♪♪
You know, I catch a lot of heat
on the Internet,
especially when I first
started out -
you know, "Plastic shaman,
rah, rah, rah, rah, rah."
But you know what?
I forgive you because each one
of my enemies made me better.
Every one of you who said
I was a fake, I could kiss you.
I could hug you,
and the reason is,
is I wouldn't be here
if you hadn't of pissed me
the... off.
I am broken-path shaman.
I don't have any line
going back thousands of years.
The spirits decided that
they wanted to work with me,
and they made an offer,
and I accepted.
My mandate for Mother Aya
is to bring ayahuasca
to the United States of America
and to bring her
totally into modern times.
♪♪
Tlawil: I come from a very
traditional background.
My dad - he is a shaman.
He's from Colombia,
and I just want to
represent my family,
the traditions I grew up
in the best way I can.
This apprenticeship has been
very neutral to me,
mostly because I feel like
I'm already
pretty connected
to the medicine world,
and I am not like Steve,
and I'm not like Teri,
so I do feel like me being
on this apprenticeship
is simply to fill in the gaps
that I feel like
need to be filled.
♪♪
Steve: A traditionalist is gonna
have a lot of rules
you're gonna have to follow.
You're gonna have to
sit there and meditate.
You're gonna have to fast.
You're gonna have to do
these things.
We have no dogma.
We are modern shamans,
working with lights,
working with sound,
working with vibration.
I'm taking your modern life
into context.
I'm not just sitting there
hitting you
with feathers and smoke.
I know what it is to be
an American.
I know what it is to live
under these pressures,
these expectations,
and these demands.
That shaman in Peru or Brazil
doesn't really know that.
I'm an American shaman.
I'm a modern shaman.
I'm gonna use everything
that's within my grasp
to work for you.
♪♪
♪♪
Kevin: Yeah, I would have to say
that the church
that I grew up in
was a religious cult.
♪♪
♪♪
[ Chuckles ]
Well, nervous as...
[ Laughs ]
Growing up in the church,
you didn't really get to decide
who you were
or form who you were
and what you wanted to be,
where you wanted to go,
what path you wanted
to lead in your life.
One of the difficult things
about leaving the church
was losing a lot
of relationships between -
whether it's friends or family,
it kind of makes
you feel a little lost.
I've been married
for almost 13 years.
We have four kids.
This journey - it's about
being a better person,
a better father to my children.
I feel like it's important
to know who I am
and what I want to be,
where I want to go,
so I can help them
figure that out for themselves.
♪♪
Danielle:
After I was date-raped,
it was really hard for me
to have any form
of relationship whatsoever.
♪♪
I tried to commit suicide twice.
I didn't really realize
what was happening at the time.
For the first three years
of dealing with it,
I just drank.
I drank almost every night.
It's really hard for me to even
want to go out of the house,
and every time
I go out in public,
I think about it, and I think,
you know, "What if it happens?
What if it happens again?"
I hope that when I drink
the ayahuasca,
I can find some self-love.
I want to be able to love
all parts of me -
the bad and the good.
Teri: The first thing
that we are gonna do
is we are going to be collecting
car keys and cellphones.
Thank you.
We just like making sure
if somebody freaks out,
we don't want them trying
to take off driving,
so that's why we take
the car keys.
All right, are you all ready
to go check out
where you're gonna be staying
for the next couple of days?
Awesome.
Teri:
We take their cellphones
because we don't want them
distracted.
You're coming to work on
something within you,
and nothing in a cellphone
is going to help that.
Teri: If you all would like
to find your beds
and go ahead and get them made,
get settled, changed into
some comfy clothes.
For this ceremony, we have Kevin
coming from North Carolina,
and we have Danielle
coming from Ohio.
Tlawil, instead of apprenticing
in the ceremony,
is going to be participating.
♪♪
- Hello.
- Hi.
Nice seeing our beautiful group.
Tlawil, it's awful nice...
Tlawil: Hi.
...to see you
on this side of the table.
Right?
This is how we met.
We wanted you to be able to
have your first ceremony
since you've had that
wonderful little papoose.
I have become a mother,
and it's been
the most amazing experience,
but being pregnant
was definitely not
what I thought it was,
and I got to say,
I appreciate it.
I watched Kim Kardashian
through her pregnancy
'cause she at some point
said, like,
"This is horrible. This is not
what everybody paints it."
You know?
Like, everybody says
these wonderful things.
See, I went... crazy,
like, insane -
like, insane.
Those hormonal shifts -
like, one minute you're happy,
one minute you're crying,
another minute
you're, like, angry as...
So in regards to ayahuasca,
I have asked her,
"Okay, teach me the tools
that I need to heal myself."
Steve: Tlawil has
a lot of experience,
but she's among
your group tonight.
She's got good energy,
and she'll help stabilize
your energy.
We got a new member down here
at the end of the table
named Walter
filling in for Tlawil tonight.
He's apprenticing
as a medicine person.
Steve: I decided to dedicate
this ceremony to Tlawil
because she just had a baby.
It was my way of telling her
thank you for her service
up to this point,
but it's also
an observation of Tlawil
to see how she handles herself.
You know, I want to see
if she's gonna
put the group's needs
over her individual desires.
Tonight we're not pushing you
off a cliff.
We're gonna take our time.
We're gonna slowly
and incrementally allow you
to submerge into the medicine.
You'll get your first full cup,
and then it'll be
about 30 minutes,
you'll get your second cup.
Then after that,
we're gonna listen to you.
If you all are not really
feeling it,
please, please, please,
communicate with me.
Let me know
what's going on with you
so that we can get you
where you need to go.
♪♪
Danielle:
When I drink the ayahuasca,
I'm kind of afraid that
it will change me for the worst
or that something bad
will happen
or that I will
have hallucinations
or relive the past trauma.
- You have a lot of energy.
- I do?
- Mm-hmm.
- You feel that on her?
- I can feel it.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, it'll only increase
as she drinks.
You'll also feel mine.
If I drink enough,
I will enter your journey.
Come on.
Kevin: I feel like
a ball of nerves right now -
like, stomach's in knots.
Not being in control of where -
where my mind goes,
having to face inner demons,
that's probably
what I fear the most.
Steve: Ayahuasca is
a hallucinogenic tea
made with plants
from the Amazon,
and it is the strongest
psychedelic known to man,
but this isn't like LSD.
Ayahuasca is a portal
to your inner self -
your subconscious -
and through that portal,
you're gonna meet
a goddess we call Mother Aya.
When your journey
first takes off,
you may feel euphoria until -
boom! -
the spike hits,
and the purge begins.
You may laugh, you may cry,
and you may do both
at the same time.
You may puke or shit,
but each of those purges
are a physical manifestation
of an emotional release.
That's when you truly
find healing.
♪♪
Kevin: I felt it working
throughout my whole body -
my chest, my throat.
It just felt like
I had something inside of me
that had to come out.
I tried to hold it back
and fight the nausea,
but it was coming out.
♪♪
After the first cup of aya,
well, I could start feeling it -
just kind of a warmness,
a comfort.
♪♪
She showed me all kinds
of shapes, designs.
You saw elephants.
There was a lot of purple.
Like, purple went from the toes
all the way up to out the trunk.
[ Eagle calls ] So you saw eagles
and hawks flying through the sky,
like you see a trail
from a airplane.
It was rainbows, you know,
kind of coming out
the feathers behind them.
I don't know what the message
was behind that yet.
♪♪
After I got that feeling,
it immediately went to the place
where I was being held down,
like your entire body
is pressed down.
It's like I was wrapped up
by what seems like a snake.
That's when she started
bringing up every bad feeling
that I've ever experienced,
and one feeling would come up,
and I would just -
I would be engulfed in it.
Mother Aya had pushed me
to my absolute limit,
to the point
where I was ready to give up.
I couldn't do it anymore.
And then Steve appeared.
It was like he was checking in.
It's like he popped in
to make sure I was okay,
to help bleed any of
the negativity off of me
if I needed it,
and at that moment,
she let the pressure off.
She released me.
Steve:
The air is sizzling with energy.
My job as a shaman,
and my team's job as shamanistas
and medicine people,
is to manage that energy.
It's no different
than a bank robbery.
When you walk in and announce
you're robbing the bank,
the air sizzles.
You got to know when to nudge
them back into the journey,
nudge them back into that pain,
nudge them back into
that emotion
that they've been avoiding
their whole... life.
Now, when I entered
Kevin's journey,
he was that close to losing it,
and that's why
I went into his journey,
and I asked Mother Aya
to give him a break,
and she did.
You're leading the group away
somewhere I don't want.
This is, like,
as far as I'm going.
But who's the shaman?
We are all our own shamans.
Really?
♪♪
♪♪
So what do you think of
your first night of this?
Walter: I've been asked,
"Is ayahuasca dangerous?"
Yes.
In the wrong hands, it is,
but when you have
experienced medicine people,
it's awesome to be a part of it
and be able to learn from them.
They respect the medicine.
They also respect
the individuals
that come and partake
in the ceremony.
It's a beautiful thing
to be a part of.
♪♪
Teri: How you feeling
over here, sweetie?
Like, I keep hearing that I need
to just, like, let go.
Mm-hmm.
But I guess I'm scared.
And that's okay.
She's not gonna give you
more than you can handle.
She may test your boundaries
of comfort,
but she knows what you can
handle and what you can't.
You know, sometimes
people who have
been through a lot of pain
and a lot of trauma -
a lot of times she'll approach
them very nurturingly,
very lovingly,
very calmly, you know,
because she knows that
you have to trust her
for her to be able to help you.
Danielle:
Once the ayahuasca actually hit,
my body got really heavy,
and all of that anxiety
and all of that fear
just, like, went away.
When I was 14 years old,
I was friends with this guy,
and we had a lot of fun.
He was one of my best friends
at the time.
I could tell him anything.
He invited me to a party
one night,
and I had never been
to a party before.
When I got there,
he handed me and my best friend
at the time a beer,
and after that,
I don't remember anything.
Everything's
kind of like a blur.
♪♪
I remember feeling like
I couldn't move
and feeling like I didn't know
what was happening to my body,
and, um, I remember him
being on top of me...
[ Voice breaking ]
...and telling me
that he wasn't raping me.
I had been taken advantage of
by someone that I trusted
and someone that I didn't think
would do that to me.
[ Sniffles ]
Um...
It was really hard for me
because I didn't know
if I could tell anyone
or if I should tell anyone.
He took that trust that I had
in people away from me.
I would like to, you know,
be able to get close to people
and find forgiveness
and find peace of mind.
♪♪
♪♪
Tlawil: My very first experience
with ayahuasca
was in Puerto Rico with my dad.
He's been doing this
for more than 40 years,
so him being the one
leading my very first
ayahuasca ceremony was...
...without words.
My visuals were, like, cats.
They had a suit,
and with very sharp teeth.
[ Yowls ]
They were telling me,
"Come with us,"
and I'm like, "No."
They bothered me,
just trying to scare me,
until I got rid of my fear.
Once I did that - poof! -
all went away.
♪♪
Nik: When it comes to being
an apprentice,
we have quite a few
different roles.
We're the ones who put
Palo Santo and sage in the air
because it's a really
grounding scent for people.
There's clean-up
that has to be done
because, yes, this is a medicine
that's gonna make people
puke, crap themselves.
Making sure
nobody's flipping out
just because something's
too much for them.
Pretty much
a jack-of-all-trades, really.
♪♪
♪♪
Tlawil wanted to go outside,
and we're not gonna tell her no
because she's an experienced
member and everything.
So I was just sitting out there,
just kind of
keeping an eye on her,
making sure she didn't fall.
Tlawil:
My body's still recovering,
so I need to have
a lot of comfort,
otherwise I feel sore.
♪♪
Steve: Tlawil,
we're gonna need to start
moving everything back inside.
Nik: She's so happy.
[ Laughs ]
I know, but we're gonna have
to move back inside...
...for the rest
of the evening.
Tlawil:
Then I'm not going, man.
[ Laughs ]
You're leading the group away
somewhere I don't want.
I'm not going anywhere.
This is, like,
as far as I'm going.
I will go inside
when I'm ready, you know,
but I can't just feel like
I'm restricted.
I understand.
But who's the shaman?
And this is how we do everybody.
You teach.
We are all our own shamans.
[ Laughter ]
Really?
I'm just asking you,
please, just listen to me.
Yeah, I'm good.
But I need them
to go in there, too.
Can we - well,
but they can go in there. Okay?
And we're a part of
the group, yes?
And the group came here.
You don't understand,
Tlawil, and it's okay.
We'll talk tomorrow.
See, like, you don't want to be
so stressed out like that,
when you're on a journey.
That's just so messed up.
Steve:
This is their first night.
How do you know PTSD
don't jump off
and one of them just take off?
And we're out here near lakes,
rivers, hills, holes.
Lots of danger here,
and that's another reason
we try to keep them inside,
and she knows this.
She knows it
at the bottom of her heart.
That's how others have died
in ceremony -
not from the ayahuasca,
but from falling,
hitting their head on concrete.
This is what I'm seeing.
I'm not seeing,
"Oh, the plants feel good."
I'm seeing people that could
fall and crack their skull.
[ Rattling ]
♪♪
♪♪
Shhhhhh.
Teri: She broke out her rattle
and wanted to,
you know,
sit there and shake it,
and I understand
that's how she journeys.
But Tlawil also knows
that we don't do that
in our ceremonies
because it is disruptive
to people who come.
I wasn't real happy about it,
and it seemed like it was being
done somewhat out of spite.
[ Rattling continues ]
You're not allowing me to be me.
We're done.
I got a ceremony to run.
I need you to leave.
Steve:
Tlawil felt she was above me.
I can't allow that kind of
thinking to take off
with this powerful
of a substance in her hand.
♪♪
Danielle: I had been so happy
the night before
that it was kind of saddening
to wake up and, like,
not feel that happiness
and not feel, like,
that warm blanket.
I can't even explain how it felt
to focus on myself for once
because I have never done that,
and I didn't realize
that I had never done that
until last night.
So I'm gonna try to continue
to feel myself
and just - just be.
♪♪
Kevin: The negative feelings -
the anxiety, depression -
they've all been coming up
today, all day long.
[ Insects buzzing ]
[ Birds chirping ]
Hey.
Tabitha:
I'll bet you're tired.
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I feel like
I went through every -
every bad experience
I've ever had. Um...
It's just a lot to deal with,
and you don't really deal
with your emotions, so...
No.
Yeah.
Just the way your family is
with kind of shutting you out,
it makes things more difficult.
Yeah.
Kevin: We grew up in a very
strict church environment.
You were told what to do,
when to do it.
There was no TV,
no associating with outsiders.
They also believed that we were
the only ones chosen
to go to Heaven,
and everyone else
was going to Hell,
and that's something
I really had a hard time
wrapping my mind around.
I just got to a point
where I was done,
and I wanted to experience
other things.
Once we quit
going to the church,
it made things awkward.
I am nowhere near as close to
my parents as I used to be.
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
Just the thought of them.
♪♪
♪♪
Tlawil:
[ Singing in native language ]
Steve: Mother Aya shined a light
on Tlawil's heart,
where I was concerned.
She was being her true self
on what she felt about me,
and she felt she was above me,
and that's where
I can't allow that kind of
thinking to take off
with this powerful
of a substance in her hand.
She's an apprentice.
She's not in charge,
and she needs to learn humility.
To be a good leader,
you got to be a great follower.
Well, Tlawil, I need to
talk to you about last night.
You and I were in
some pretty strong conflict.
Were we?
Yes, we were.
And I can't have that in
my ceremony tonight. Okay.
And I can't have any chance
of that in my ceremony tonight.
Sounds good.
I am the chief shaman.
Mm-hmm.
I respect, you know,
whatever you decide.
I know that...
I understand that last night
there was a lot
of disrespect shown.
I'm being me, you know,
and I feel like
I'm not being
also respected for who I am
because you're not
allowing me to be me.
No, I'm allowing you
to be my apprentice.
Dude, I'm drinking ayahuasca.
So am I.
I'm - I'm also feeling
and allowing myself
to be me through the journey,
and you're restricting me
from being.
And as a medicine person,
you're always a medicine person,
whether you're journeying or not.
Yeah, exactly.
And the group comes first. Yeah.
And I was moving you inside
for the safety of the group.
But the group is fine.
And you're a medicine person.
I apologized.
That's not up for you to decide.
You're an apprentice.
You're not a shaman.
That's not up to you to decide
what goes on in my group.
And it's not up to you, either.
Yes, it is.
It's my church.
I can't be distracted
in my ceremony,
otherwise, it'll get dangerous.
I never told her to go out there
and make a bed outside.
What if, while I was distracted
dealing with her defiance,
somebody choked on their vomit
because I'm dealing with
a medicine-person apprentice
who's trying to run the show?
Then is it gonna be,
"Hee-hee" and "Ha-ha"?
Is saying, "I'm sorry,"
gonna cover it?
No, it doesn't.
And we're done.
You are done?
We're done.
I got a ceremony to run.
I need you to leave.
Okay, sounds good, Steve.
That sucks, dude.
As a medicine person,
that really sucks on your part
to take this type of
approach. It's...
What would you have done -
what would your dad have done
if you had acted like that
in his ceremony?
I mean, I don't do that...
But you did it to me.
...because I know...
And that's why you got to leave.
Sounds good.
Walter and Teri are gonna
help you pack your stuff
and go ahead and take
your stuff to your car,
and we'll go from there.
Tlawil:
I'm different, you know?
Like, I'm just different.
I'm a free spirit, a free soul,
and they seem to be very strict
and to their ways,
and "This is how we do it,
and this is how it has worked,
so we're never gonna get
out of that."
And, to me,
I see more opportunity
for things
from my life experiences
and where I have grown.
So to me, it's very restricting,
and me working that way
is not letting me be fully,
you know, my potential.
Teri: Tlawil has been with us
for a while.
We have spent a lot of time
talking with her,
working with her.
For her to disrespect Steve
in the way that she did,
that was very disheartening.
I was absolutely disappointed.
Her disrespect was not just
toward Steve and the group,
but also, you know,
to the medicine,
and that's when
it gets very dangerous.
I really love Tlawil.
I do.
Tlawil's heart
is in a good place.
It's her ego that got blown up.
It's her immaturity
that got in the driver's seat.
But my priorities,
first and foremost,
is the safety of the group
that I'm working with,
and nothing comes before that.
♪♪
Tlawil: I would like to
continue, you know,
working with people, regardless
if it's here or on my own.
I'm not gonna stop.
You know?
That connection with Aya
is my connection with Aya,
regardless of who provides it.
♪♪
♪♪
Steve: I want you to
put it in that fire,
and we're gonna give it
to the universe.
Steve: With Mother Aya,
there is only one answer -
total submission.
And if you don't,
you're gonna get
your ass whipped.
♪♪
♪♪
Steve: The second night,
when we're taking them to darker waters -
we're taking them
to deeper waters, if you will -
there's only one answer -
submit, total submission.
And if you don't,
you're gonna get
your ass whipped.
Thank you so much
for your trust,
and I'm gonna ask you again
to trust us again tonight.
We're going deeper.
Brew's stronger.
It could be coming
a little bit faster at you,
and whatever comes, remember
she's not gonna give you
any more than you can handle.
Now, then, Tlawil is not
with us tonight
because she had
some family issues come up,
and she had to go home.
So we're just rolling
without her,
but her heart and her mind
is with us,
I guarantee it, and her spirit.
Steve didn't tell the group
what exactly
had happened with Tlawil
because that would just be
dragging that energy
into the ceremony,
and that's not the goal.
Kevin: Something was very different
about starting the ceremony.
The whole day,
I had been dealing with
emotion after emotion.
Everything I experienced
from Ceremony One
just kept welling back up
inside of me,
and it just felt like -
by the end of the day,
right before
the ceremony started,
it felt like everything
was just clawing to get out.
Steve: Kevin is here
because he lost his identity
because he was in a cult
with his family.
But when he broke out of that,
he was an empty shell
of himself,
and to leave that behind had
to be psychologically torturous
to come to terms with.
They were gonna keep him
safe and secure
and walled off
from all the evils of the world.
It sounds like prison, don't it?
People who gather with you
around a fire
are normally friends
and family and community,
and so it allows us to open up.
So I love having the chats
by the fire.
I love burning things
into the fire
because it symbolizes
letting things go,
turning it unto the universe,
giving it to God.
Whatever verbiage
you want to put on it,
it's about letting it go.
Tell me about the church
that you were involved in.
It was a large congregation.
There was quite a few people.
You know, we weren't
allowed to associate
with people
outside of the church.
You didn't date
outside the church.
Your friends were
inside the church.
It was a closed community.
Society.
How's your life been
since you quit?
Um, there's been a lot of
strain on family... Right.
...'cause both of
our families still attend.
A lot of the friends that
we used to associate with -
you know, friends growing up -
they're extremely distant now.
Sounds like your whole world
that you had to shift...
Pretty much.
...when you left it.
Yeah.
We'd probably call the church
that you described as it was,
when you were a child,
as a cult.
Mm-hmm.
But, to you, it was a church.
It was your community.
So, if you wouldn't mind,
just take this right here,
and then I'd like you -
like I just did it -
what you didn't like
and what you liked
'cause nothing's all bad.
♪♪
Take your time.
We're in no hurry.
Steve: I knew it was gonna be
easy for him
to write what he didn't like,
but I wanted him to think
what he liked about it
because that's what
we had to grieve.
That's what was really symbolic
about letting this go.
See, it's easy to let go of shit
you don't like.
It's hard to let go of stuff
that you love.
I think that'll cover it.
Okay. Good deal.
Good deal.
I want you to put it
in that fire,
and we're gonna
give it to the universe.
We're gonna let these things go
through this ayahuasca ceremony,
and you're gonna give it
over to Mother Aya,
and you're gonna be amazed
at what she can pull together
in situations like this.
And so whenever you're ready,
just please put it
into the fire.
♪♪
Kevin: I wrote "loss of
control," "loss of freedom"
on the negatives.
On the positives, it was
"friends, family, community."
Placing the piece of paper
on the fire
and watching it burn
was part of the weight
being lifted off of
my shoulders.
I felt the ayahuasca
going through my body.
It felt like there was a filter,
and my whole body
was being sifted
from head to toe.
And it was just catching
all the negativity,
all the bad energy,
and pulling it out.
♪♪
It's not always
beautiful and pretty.
Sometimes it gets to be
some ugly shit.
Anybody who has ever been
treated in that manner
carries some sense of guilt,
and I'm just curious -
have you forgiven yourself
for it?
♪♪
♪♪
[ Retching ]
The purge felt beautiful.
There's no other way
to describe it.
I don't like throwing up,
but that wasn't throwing up.
That was totally different.
It's her way of pulling
all of the bad out of you.
It turned all of my anxiety,
all of my anger,
all of my fear
into a physical form.
Instead of just feeling it
exiting your body,
you can see it come out.
♪♪
Steve: With Danielle,
I chose to use the tent
to create a symbolic womb,
a symbolic safe space.
I wanted to take her all the way
back to the beginning,
when she was with
her mother's heartbeat,
and move forward from there.
I chose a blue light
for Danielle
in the tent tonight
for one reason.
She's a victim
of sexual assault,
and blue subconsciously
represents to us
protection and security.
She needs to be able to be
secure in her own decisions,
and that's what I want to anchor
home with that blue light,
is the security that she feels
within that womb of that tent.
I understand you had a friend
who violated your trust,
and I assume you gave him
a lot of trust.
I could tell him anything,
and he wouldn't judge me,
and we could talk
about anything.
You gave him so much trust
that right now,
you question yourself,
when you did absolutely
nothing wrong
but trust a friend
who did not give you
the proper respect you deserved.
For whatever reason,
he chose to do that.
But that was not
your fault at all.
And can I ask you this?
Are you ever at a place that
you can truly forgive him
and let it go?
I think that I've forgiven him.
I think that I have kind of
excused it almost, so...
Where are you at
in forgiving yourself
for these things happening?
Because I don't care
how much you tell yourself,
"It's not my fault.
It's not my fault,"
Anybody who has ever been
treated in that manner
carries some sense of guilt.
And I'm just curious -
have you forgiven yourself
for it?
I don't think so.
You don't have to
just forgive them.
You have to forgive you,
and you have to accept
that it was something
that happened
that was beyond your control,
and you have to say,
"You know what? I'm sick
of this event ruining my life."
Tell me his name.
♪♪
Kenneth.
Kenneth.
Danielle: I had never actually,
like, said his name out loud,
and no one had ever
asked me that,
so I was really
caught off guard by it,
and I didn't really know
how to answer or what to do.
But saying his name
actually gave it less power,
and that was incredible.
I didn't realize that
part of all the burden
I was carrying
and part of all the pain
wasn't me, like,
not forgiving him.
It was me not forgiving myself.
Teri: People don't understand
it's not always gonna be,
you know, these big, fluffy,
cotton-candy clouds
and unicorns and fairies.
It's not always
beautiful and pretty.
Sometimes it gets to be
some ugly shit,
but, you know, it's 'cause
we've got some ugly shit in us
that needs to be dealt with
and gotten out.
[ Cries ]
♪♪
Once Mother Aya took hold of me,
it was this big,
like, complete release.
It went from a sad cry
to a healing cry and to -
I wanted to get that out.
I needed to just be able to,
like, release
all of the anger and resentment
that I had towards myself
and toward the situation.
I feel alive now,
and I feel like
I actually have a life
worth living
whereas before,
I didn't really feel that way.
[ Sighs ]
♪♪
I closed my eyes.
I saw -
at first, it was,
like, a yellow blanket,
and it was, like, in waves.
Like, it would move in waves,
and for each wave,
you saw a different pattern.
So there were, like, red lines
and green lines
and red triangles
and green triangles,
and it, like,
blanketed the whole universe.
It was Mother Aya,
and she was this spindle shape,
and she had all of these threads
that went to everything
in the universe
and touched everything
in the universe.
I realized that she was
in everything,
and it was just so calming
and so surreal.
♪♪
♪♪
After, like, being in the tent,
I did find, like,
that unconditional love
and that feeling
of unconditional love,
and I was the happiest
I had ever been
and, you know,
when I interacted with her,
it was like she wouldn't
let me face anything bad
because she wanted me to feel,
like, all the good things.
Sounds like you're starting
your garden of contentment.
Yeah.
And that's a place
that only you reside,
and that's a place you go
to make all your decisions
in your life -
that garden of contentment.
You see, I learned in prison
in the hard way
that I can be content in an
unhappy situation. Right.
Happiness comes and goes,
and you learn to just flow
with the hills and valleys,
no different than your journey.
You are a strong woman.
You're a goddess.
Thank you.
You know, the one thing
I really wanted for you
was even though, you know, like,
all these things have happened,
and you felt like
you had been broken,
what I wanted most for you
was to realize you hadn't been.
And it sounds like you got that.
Yeah.
And I think that is just
absolutely amazing.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you so much.
Danielle:
When I first got here,
I feel like my self-worth
was really low.
But after I drank the ayahuasca,
I feel like I can do anything
and I don't need
anyone else's approval
or anyone else's validation.
I was living in
a constant state of fear,
and I was always having anxiety
and looking over my shoulder.
I feel like I have a different
vibe about me now,
and I feel like I can do more
things and get out of the house,
and I don't have to be
this hermit.
Now I feel like I'm free,
and I feel like
I can just be happy,
and I can just be me.
Steve: Come on up.
Come on up.
Y'all have been a pleasure
to work with,
and we look forward
to interacting with you
more in the future.
Coming to Aya Quest,
I was feeling the anger.
I was feeling the depression,
the anxiety.
It was trying
to take control of me.
And leaving Aya Quest,
after the ceremonies,
I'm able to let go
of those things.
We can't change what's happened.
We can only change
what happens in the future.
- Come here, you.
- Thank you.
Ah. Take care of
yourself, you hear?
I will.
Ayahuasca is there to help you
when you need it,
but it's not there
to control you.
She is unconditional love
and unconditional care.
Mother Aya really is everything.
♪♪
Kevin:
Ayahuasca is a mother.
She's there for you.
She will be there
and help you
through all of your baggage,
all of your emotions,
but you have to seek her out.
She's not gonna force you
to take the journey.
♪♪
Right now, we have to nurture
ayahuasca in America.
I know some of you
look at me and go,
"What the...
is the world coming to,
when a convicted felon,
a bank robber,
can set in front of me and go,
'Dude, do this hallucinogen
with me'?
How in the hell did this happen
amid a war on drugs?"
Well, I'll tell you
how it happened.
It was the power of
a lot of people
who looked a lot of time
behind bars dead in the eye
and said, "...you."
Violence ain't the answer.
Revolution ain't the answer.
Evolution is, and Mother Aya
is leading that charge,
and she is here in America.
The jaguar is here.
To be honest with you,
I consider this right here
to be the Amazon of America,
right here in the state of
Kentucky, in this forest.
I feel like I'm the father
of the forest,
in the Amazon of America.
That's exactly how I feel
every time
I walk through the woods
of this dark and bloody ground.
♪♪
♪♪
Kevin: I got a lot of benefits
coming out of it.
It was a life-changing,
or mind-changing, experience.
♪♪
♪♪
I'm completely off my medication
for depression and anxiety.
I definitely feel like
I love myself so much more.
♪♪
talk to you about last night.
I was moving you inside
for the safety of the group.
But the group is fine.
And you're a medicine person.
I apologized.
That's not up for you to decide.
You're an apprentice.
You're not a shaman.
That's not up to you to decide
what goes on in my group.
And it's not up to you, either.
Yes, it is.
It's my church. I know.
And that's why you got to leave.
Steve: I've been
a lot of things in my life.
I've been a bank robber
and a prisoner,
but being a shaman
is my calling.
Ayahuasca
is a schedule-I narcotic,
the same as heroin and LSD,
but it's not a drug,
it's medicine,
and in my church,
it's a sacrament.
We can do in two days
what conventional therapy
may take years to do,
but only if you are willing
to step in to the pain.
♪♪
You know, I catch a lot of heat
on the Internet,
especially when I first
started out -
you know, "Plastic shaman,
rah, rah, rah, rah, rah."
But you know what?
I forgive you because each one
of my enemies made me better.
Every one of you who said
I was a fake, I could kiss you.
I could hug you,
and the reason is,
is I wouldn't be here
if you hadn't of pissed me
the... off.
I am broken-path shaman.
I don't have any line
going back thousands of years.
The spirits decided that
they wanted to work with me,
and they made an offer,
and I accepted.
My mandate for Mother Aya
is to bring ayahuasca
to the United States of America
and to bring her
totally into modern times.
♪♪
Tlawil: I come from a very
traditional background.
My dad - he is a shaman.
He's from Colombia,
and I just want to
represent my family,
the traditions I grew up
in the best way I can.
This apprenticeship has been
very neutral to me,
mostly because I feel like
I'm already
pretty connected
to the medicine world,
and I am not like Steve,
and I'm not like Teri,
so I do feel like me being
on this apprenticeship
is simply to fill in the gaps
that I feel like
need to be filled.
♪♪
Steve: A traditionalist is gonna
have a lot of rules
you're gonna have to follow.
You're gonna have to
sit there and meditate.
You're gonna have to fast.
You're gonna have to do
these things.
We have no dogma.
We are modern shamans,
working with lights,
working with sound,
working with vibration.
I'm taking your modern life
into context.
I'm not just sitting there
hitting you
with feathers and smoke.
I know what it is to be
an American.
I know what it is to live
under these pressures,
these expectations,
and these demands.
That shaman in Peru or Brazil
doesn't really know that.
I'm an American shaman.
I'm a modern shaman.
I'm gonna use everything
that's within my grasp
to work for you.
♪♪
♪♪
Kevin: Yeah, I would have to say
that the church
that I grew up in
was a religious cult.
♪♪
♪♪
[ Chuckles ]
Well, nervous as...
[ Laughs ]
Growing up in the church,
you didn't really get to decide
who you were
or form who you were
and what you wanted to be,
where you wanted to go,
what path you wanted
to lead in your life.
One of the difficult things
about leaving the church
was losing a lot
of relationships between -
whether it's friends or family,
it kind of makes
you feel a little lost.
I've been married
for almost 13 years.
We have four kids.
This journey - it's about
being a better person,
a better father to my children.
I feel like it's important
to know who I am
and what I want to be,
where I want to go,
so I can help them
figure that out for themselves.
♪♪
Danielle:
After I was date-raped,
it was really hard for me
to have any form
of relationship whatsoever.
♪♪
I tried to commit suicide twice.
I didn't really realize
what was happening at the time.
For the first three years
of dealing with it,
I just drank.
I drank almost every night.
It's really hard for me to even
want to go out of the house,
and every time
I go out in public,
I think about it, and I think,
you know, "What if it happens?
What if it happens again?"
I hope that when I drink
the ayahuasca,
I can find some self-love.
I want to be able to love
all parts of me -
the bad and the good.
Teri: The first thing
that we are gonna do
is we are going to be collecting
car keys and cellphones.
Thank you.
We just like making sure
if somebody freaks out,
we don't want them trying
to take off driving,
so that's why we take
the car keys.
All right, are you all ready
to go check out
where you're gonna be staying
for the next couple of days?
Awesome.
Teri:
We take their cellphones
because we don't want them
distracted.
You're coming to work on
something within you,
and nothing in a cellphone
is going to help that.
Teri: If you all would like
to find your beds
and go ahead and get them made,
get settled, changed into
some comfy clothes.
For this ceremony, we have Kevin
coming from North Carolina,
and we have Danielle
coming from Ohio.
Tlawil, instead of apprenticing
in the ceremony,
is going to be participating.
♪♪
- Hello.
- Hi.
Nice seeing our beautiful group.
Tlawil, it's awful nice...
Tlawil: Hi.
...to see you
on this side of the table.
Right?
This is how we met.
We wanted you to be able to
have your first ceremony
since you've had that
wonderful little papoose.
I have become a mother,
and it's been
the most amazing experience,
but being pregnant
was definitely not
what I thought it was,
and I got to say,
I appreciate it.
I watched Kim Kardashian
through her pregnancy
'cause she at some point
said, like,
"This is horrible. This is not
what everybody paints it."
You know?
Like, everybody says
these wonderful things.
See, I went... crazy,
like, insane -
like, insane.
Those hormonal shifts -
like, one minute you're happy,
one minute you're crying,
another minute
you're, like, angry as...
So in regards to ayahuasca,
I have asked her,
"Okay, teach me the tools
that I need to heal myself."
Steve: Tlawil has
a lot of experience,
but she's among
your group tonight.
She's got good energy,
and she'll help stabilize
your energy.
We got a new member down here
at the end of the table
named Walter
filling in for Tlawil tonight.
He's apprenticing
as a medicine person.
Steve: I decided to dedicate
this ceremony to Tlawil
because she just had a baby.
It was my way of telling her
thank you for her service
up to this point,
but it's also
an observation of Tlawil
to see how she handles herself.
You know, I want to see
if she's gonna
put the group's needs
over her individual desires.
Tonight we're not pushing you
off a cliff.
We're gonna take our time.
We're gonna slowly
and incrementally allow you
to submerge into the medicine.
You'll get your first full cup,
and then it'll be
about 30 minutes,
you'll get your second cup.
Then after that,
we're gonna listen to you.
If you all are not really
feeling it,
please, please, please,
communicate with me.
Let me know
what's going on with you
so that we can get you
where you need to go.
♪♪
Danielle:
When I drink the ayahuasca,
I'm kind of afraid that
it will change me for the worst
or that something bad
will happen
or that I will
have hallucinations
or relive the past trauma.
- You have a lot of energy.
- I do?
- Mm-hmm.
- You feel that on her?
- I can feel it.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, it'll only increase
as she drinks.
You'll also feel mine.
If I drink enough,
I will enter your journey.
Come on.
Kevin: I feel like
a ball of nerves right now -
like, stomach's in knots.
Not being in control of where -
where my mind goes,
having to face inner demons,
that's probably
what I fear the most.
Steve: Ayahuasca is
a hallucinogenic tea
made with plants
from the Amazon,
and it is the strongest
psychedelic known to man,
but this isn't like LSD.
Ayahuasca is a portal
to your inner self -
your subconscious -
and through that portal,
you're gonna meet
a goddess we call Mother Aya.
When your journey
first takes off,
you may feel euphoria until -
boom! -
the spike hits,
and the purge begins.
You may laugh, you may cry,
and you may do both
at the same time.
You may puke or shit,
but each of those purges
are a physical manifestation
of an emotional release.
That's when you truly
find healing.
♪♪
Kevin: I felt it working
throughout my whole body -
my chest, my throat.
It just felt like
I had something inside of me
that had to come out.
I tried to hold it back
and fight the nausea,
but it was coming out.
♪♪
After the first cup of aya,
well, I could start feeling it -
just kind of a warmness,
a comfort.
♪♪
She showed me all kinds
of shapes, designs.
You saw elephants.
There was a lot of purple.
Like, purple went from the toes
all the way up to out the trunk.
[ Eagle calls ] So you saw eagles
and hawks flying through the sky,
like you see a trail
from a airplane.
It was rainbows, you know,
kind of coming out
the feathers behind them.
I don't know what the message
was behind that yet.
♪♪
After I got that feeling,
it immediately went to the place
where I was being held down,
like your entire body
is pressed down.
It's like I was wrapped up
by what seems like a snake.
That's when she started
bringing up every bad feeling
that I've ever experienced,
and one feeling would come up,
and I would just -
I would be engulfed in it.
Mother Aya had pushed me
to my absolute limit,
to the point
where I was ready to give up.
I couldn't do it anymore.
And then Steve appeared.
It was like he was checking in.
It's like he popped in
to make sure I was okay,
to help bleed any of
the negativity off of me
if I needed it,
and at that moment,
she let the pressure off.
She released me.
Steve:
The air is sizzling with energy.
My job as a shaman,
and my team's job as shamanistas
and medicine people,
is to manage that energy.
It's no different
than a bank robbery.
When you walk in and announce
you're robbing the bank,
the air sizzles.
You got to know when to nudge
them back into the journey,
nudge them back into that pain,
nudge them back into
that emotion
that they've been avoiding
their whole... life.
Now, when I entered
Kevin's journey,
he was that close to losing it,
and that's why
I went into his journey,
and I asked Mother Aya
to give him a break,
and she did.
You're leading the group away
somewhere I don't want.
This is, like,
as far as I'm going.
But who's the shaman?
We are all our own shamans.
Really?
♪♪
♪♪
So what do you think of
your first night of this?
Walter: I've been asked,
"Is ayahuasca dangerous?"
Yes.
In the wrong hands, it is,
but when you have
experienced medicine people,
it's awesome to be a part of it
and be able to learn from them.
They respect the medicine.
They also respect
the individuals
that come and partake
in the ceremony.
It's a beautiful thing
to be a part of.
♪♪
Teri: How you feeling
over here, sweetie?
Like, I keep hearing that I need
to just, like, let go.
Mm-hmm.
But I guess I'm scared.
And that's okay.
She's not gonna give you
more than you can handle.
She may test your boundaries
of comfort,
but she knows what you can
handle and what you can't.
You know, sometimes
people who have
been through a lot of pain
and a lot of trauma -
a lot of times she'll approach
them very nurturingly,
very lovingly,
very calmly, you know,
because she knows that
you have to trust her
for her to be able to help you.
Danielle:
Once the ayahuasca actually hit,
my body got really heavy,
and all of that anxiety
and all of that fear
just, like, went away.
When I was 14 years old,
I was friends with this guy,
and we had a lot of fun.
He was one of my best friends
at the time.
I could tell him anything.
He invited me to a party
one night,
and I had never been
to a party before.
When I got there,
he handed me and my best friend
at the time a beer,
and after that,
I don't remember anything.
Everything's
kind of like a blur.
♪♪
I remember feeling like
I couldn't move
and feeling like I didn't know
what was happening to my body,
and, um, I remember him
being on top of me...
[ Voice breaking ]
...and telling me
that he wasn't raping me.
I had been taken advantage of
by someone that I trusted
and someone that I didn't think
would do that to me.
[ Sniffles ]
Um...
It was really hard for me
because I didn't know
if I could tell anyone
or if I should tell anyone.
He took that trust that I had
in people away from me.
I would like to, you know,
be able to get close to people
and find forgiveness
and find peace of mind.
♪♪
♪♪
Tlawil: My very first experience
with ayahuasca
was in Puerto Rico with my dad.
He's been doing this
for more than 40 years,
so him being the one
leading my very first
ayahuasca ceremony was...
...without words.
My visuals were, like, cats.
They had a suit,
and with very sharp teeth.
[ Yowls ]
They were telling me,
"Come with us,"
and I'm like, "No."
They bothered me,
just trying to scare me,
until I got rid of my fear.
Once I did that - poof! -
all went away.
♪♪
Nik: When it comes to being
an apprentice,
we have quite a few
different roles.
We're the ones who put
Palo Santo and sage in the air
because it's a really
grounding scent for people.
There's clean-up
that has to be done
because, yes, this is a medicine
that's gonna make people
puke, crap themselves.
Making sure
nobody's flipping out
just because something's
too much for them.
Pretty much
a jack-of-all-trades, really.
♪♪
♪♪
Tlawil wanted to go outside,
and we're not gonna tell her no
because she's an experienced
member and everything.
So I was just sitting out there,
just kind of
keeping an eye on her,
making sure she didn't fall.
Tlawil:
My body's still recovering,
so I need to have
a lot of comfort,
otherwise I feel sore.
♪♪
Steve: Tlawil,
we're gonna need to start
moving everything back inside.
Nik: She's so happy.
[ Laughs ]
I know, but we're gonna have
to move back inside...
...for the rest
of the evening.
Tlawil:
Then I'm not going, man.
[ Laughs ]
You're leading the group away
somewhere I don't want.
I'm not going anywhere.
This is, like,
as far as I'm going.
I will go inside
when I'm ready, you know,
but I can't just feel like
I'm restricted.
I understand.
But who's the shaman?
And this is how we do everybody.
You teach.
We are all our own shamans.
[ Laughter ]
Really?
I'm just asking you,
please, just listen to me.
Yeah, I'm good.
But I need them
to go in there, too.
Can we - well,
but they can go in there. Okay?
And we're a part of
the group, yes?
And the group came here.
You don't understand,
Tlawil, and it's okay.
We'll talk tomorrow.
See, like, you don't want to be
so stressed out like that,
when you're on a journey.
That's just so messed up.
Steve:
This is their first night.
How do you know PTSD
don't jump off
and one of them just take off?
And we're out here near lakes,
rivers, hills, holes.
Lots of danger here,
and that's another reason
we try to keep them inside,
and she knows this.
She knows it
at the bottom of her heart.
That's how others have died
in ceremony -
not from the ayahuasca,
but from falling,
hitting their head on concrete.
This is what I'm seeing.
I'm not seeing,
"Oh, the plants feel good."
I'm seeing people that could
fall and crack their skull.
[ Rattling ]
♪♪
♪♪
Shhhhhh.
Teri: She broke out her rattle
and wanted to,
you know,
sit there and shake it,
and I understand
that's how she journeys.
But Tlawil also knows
that we don't do that
in our ceremonies
because it is disruptive
to people who come.
I wasn't real happy about it,
and it seemed like it was being
done somewhat out of spite.
[ Rattling continues ]
You're not allowing me to be me.
We're done.
I got a ceremony to run.
I need you to leave.
Steve:
Tlawil felt she was above me.
I can't allow that kind of
thinking to take off
with this powerful
of a substance in her hand.
♪♪
Danielle: I had been so happy
the night before
that it was kind of saddening
to wake up and, like,
not feel that happiness
and not feel, like,
that warm blanket.
I can't even explain how it felt
to focus on myself for once
because I have never done that,
and I didn't realize
that I had never done that
until last night.
So I'm gonna try to continue
to feel myself
and just - just be.
♪♪
Kevin: The negative feelings -
the anxiety, depression -
they've all been coming up
today, all day long.
[ Insects buzzing ]
[ Birds chirping ]
Hey.
Tabitha:
I'll bet you're tired.
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I feel like
I went through every -
every bad experience
I've ever had. Um...
It's just a lot to deal with,
and you don't really deal
with your emotions, so...
No.
Yeah.
Just the way your family is
with kind of shutting you out,
it makes things more difficult.
Yeah.
Kevin: We grew up in a very
strict church environment.
You were told what to do,
when to do it.
There was no TV,
no associating with outsiders.
They also believed that we were
the only ones chosen
to go to Heaven,
and everyone else
was going to Hell,
and that's something
I really had a hard time
wrapping my mind around.
I just got to a point
where I was done,
and I wanted to experience
other things.
Once we quit
going to the church,
it made things awkward.
I am nowhere near as close to
my parents as I used to be.
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
Just the thought of them.
♪♪
♪♪
Tlawil:
[ Singing in native language ]
Steve: Mother Aya shined a light
on Tlawil's heart,
where I was concerned.
She was being her true self
on what she felt about me,
and she felt she was above me,
and that's where
I can't allow that kind of
thinking to take off
with this powerful
of a substance in her hand.
She's an apprentice.
She's not in charge,
and she needs to learn humility.
To be a good leader,
you got to be a great follower.
Well, Tlawil, I need to
talk to you about last night.
You and I were in
some pretty strong conflict.
Were we?
Yes, we were.
And I can't have that in
my ceremony tonight. Okay.
And I can't have any chance
of that in my ceremony tonight.
Sounds good.
I am the chief shaman.
Mm-hmm.
I respect, you know,
whatever you decide.
I know that...
I understand that last night
there was a lot
of disrespect shown.
I'm being me, you know,
and I feel like
I'm not being
also respected for who I am
because you're not
allowing me to be me.
No, I'm allowing you
to be my apprentice.
Dude, I'm drinking ayahuasca.
So am I.
I'm - I'm also feeling
and allowing myself
to be me through the journey,
and you're restricting me
from being.
And as a medicine person,
you're always a medicine person,
whether you're journeying or not.
Yeah, exactly.
And the group comes first. Yeah.
And I was moving you inside
for the safety of the group.
But the group is fine.
And you're a medicine person.
I apologized.
That's not up for you to decide.
You're an apprentice.
You're not a shaman.
That's not up to you to decide
what goes on in my group.
And it's not up to you, either.
Yes, it is.
It's my church.
I can't be distracted
in my ceremony,
otherwise, it'll get dangerous.
I never told her to go out there
and make a bed outside.
What if, while I was distracted
dealing with her defiance,
somebody choked on their vomit
because I'm dealing with
a medicine-person apprentice
who's trying to run the show?
Then is it gonna be,
"Hee-hee" and "Ha-ha"?
Is saying, "I'm sorry,"
gonna cover it?
No, it doesn't.
And we're done.
You are done?
We're done.
I got a ceremony to run.
I need you to leave.
Okay, sounds good, Steve.
That sucks, dude.
As a medicine person,
that really sucks on your part
to take this type of
approach. It's...
What would you have done -
what would your dad have done
if you had acted like that
in his ceremony?
I mean, I don't do that...
But you did it to me.
...because I know...
And that's why you got to leave.
Sounds good.
Walter and Teri are gonna
help you pack your stuff
and go ahead and take
your stuff to your car,
and we'll go from there.
Tlawil:
I'm different, you know?
Like, I'm just different.
I'm a free spirit, a free soul,
and they seem to be very strict
and to their ways,
and "This is how we do it,
and this is how it has worked,
so we're never gonna get
out of that."
And, to me,
I see more opportunity
for things
from my life experiences
and where I have grown.
So to me, it's very restricting,
and me working that way
is not letting me be fully,
you know, my potential.
Teri: Tlawil has been with us
for a while.
We have spent a lot of time
talking with her,
working with her.
For her to disrespect Steve
in the way that she did,
that was very disheartening.
I was absolutely disappointed.
Her disrespect was not just
toward Steve and the group,
but also, you know,
to the medicine,
and that's when
it gets very dangerous.
I really love Tlawil.
I do.
Tlawil's heart
is in a good place.
It's her ego that got blown up.
It's her immaturity
that got in the driver's seat.
But my priorities,
first and foremost,
is the safety of the group
that I'm working with,
and nothing comes before that.
♪♪
Tlawil: I would like to
continue, you know,
working with people, regardless
if it's here or on my own.
I'm not gonna stop.
You know?
That connection with Aya
is my connection with Aya,
regardless of who provides it.
♪♪
♪♪
Steve: I want you to
put it in that fire,
and we're gonna give it
to the universe.
Steve: With Mother Aya,
there is only one answer -
total submission.
And if you don't,
you're gonna get
your ass whipped.
♪♪
♪♪
Steve: The second night,
when we're taking them to darker waters -
we're taking them
to deeper waters, if you will -
there's only one answer -
submit, total submission.
And if you don't,
you're gonna get
your ass whipped.
Thank you so much
for your trust,
and I'm gonna ask you again
to trust us again tonight.
We're going deeper.
Brew's stronger.
It could be coming
a little bit faster at you,
and whatever comes, remember
she's not gonna give you
any more than you can handle.
Now, then, Tlawil is not
with us tonight
because she had
some family issues come up,
and she had to go home.
So we're just rolling
without her,
but her heart and her mind
is with us,
I guarantee it, and her spirit.
Steve didn't tell the group
what exactly
had happened with Tlawil
because that would just be
dragging that energy
into the ceremony,
and that's not the goal.
Kevin: Something was very different
about starting the ceremony.
The whole day,
I had been dealing with
emotion after emotion.
Everything I experienced
from Ceremony One
just kept welling back up
inside of me,
and it just felt like -
by the end of the day,
right before
the ceremony started,
it felt like everything
was just clawing to get out.
Steve: Kevin is here
because he lost his identity
because he was in a cult
with his family.
But when he broke out of that,
he was an empty shell
of himself,
and to leave that behind had
to be psychologically torturous
to come to terms with.
They were gonna keep him
safe and secure
and walled off
from all the evils of the world.
It sounds like prison, don't it?
People who gather with you
around a fire
are normally friends
and family and community,
and so it allows us to open up.
So I love having the chats
by the fire.
I love burning things
into the fire
because it symbolizes
letting things go,
turning it unto the universe,
giving it to God.
Whatever verbiage
you want to put on it,
it's about letting it go.
Tell me about the church
that you were involved in.
It was a large congregation.
There was quite a few people.
You know, we weren't
allowed to associate
with people
outside of the church.
You didn't date
outside the church.
Your friends were
inside the church.
It was a closed community.
Society.
How's your life been
since you quit?
Um, there's been a lot of
strain on family... Right.
...'cause both of
our families still attend.
A lot of the friends that
we used to associate with -
you know, friends growing up -
they're extremely distant now.
Sounds like your whole world
that you had to shift...
Pretty much.
...when you left it.
Yeah.
We'd probably call the church
that you described as it was,
when you were a child,
as a cult.
Mm-hmm.
But, to you, it was a church.
It was your community.
So, if you wouldn't mind,
just take this right here,
and then I'd like you -
like I just did it -
what you didn't like
and what you liked
'cause nothing's all bad.
♪♪
Take your time.
We're in no hurry.
Steve: I knew it was gonna be
easy for him
to write what he didn't like,
but I wanted him to think
what he liked about it
because that's what
we had to grieve.
That's what was really symbolic
about letting this go.
See, it's easy to let go of shit
you don't like.
It's hard to let go of stuff
that you love.
I think that'll cover it.
Okay. Good deal.
Good deal.
I want you to put it
in that fire,
and we're gonna
give it to the universe.
We're gonna let these things go
through this ayahuasca ceremony,
and you're gonna give it
over to Mother Aya,
and you're gonna be amazed
at what she can pull together
in situations like this.
And so whenever you're ready,
just please put it
into the fire.
♪♪
Kevin: I wrote "loss of
control," "loss of freedom"
on the negatives.
On the positives, it was
"friends, family, community."
Placing the piece of paper
on the fire
and watching it burn
was part of the weight
being lifted off of
my shoulders.
I felt the ayahuasca
going through my body.
It felt like there was a filter,
and my whole body
was being sifted
from head to toe.
And it was just catching
all the negativity,
all the bad energy,
and pulling it out.
♪♪
It's not always
beautiful and pretty.
Sometimes it gets to be
some ugly shit.
Anybody who has ever been
treated in that manner
carries some sense of guilt,
and I'm just curious -
have you forgiven yourself
for it?
♪♪
♪♪
[ Retching ]
The purge felt beautiful.
There's no other way
to describe it.
I don't like throwing up,
but that wasn't throwing up.
That was totally different.
It's her way of pulling
all of the bad out of you.
It turned all of my anxiety,
all of my anger,
all of my fear
into a physical form.
Instead of just feeling it
exiting your body,
you can see it come out.
♪♪
Steve: With Danielle,
I chose to use the tent
to create a symbolic womb,
a symbolic safe space.
I wanted to take her all the way
back to the beginning,
when she was with
her mother's heartbeat,
and move forward from there.
I chose a blue light
for Danielle
in the tent tonight
for one reason.
She's a victim
of sexual assault,
and blue subconsciously
represents to us
protection and security.
She needs to be able to be
secure in her own decisions,
and that's what I want to anchor
home with that blue light,
is the security that she feels
within that womb of that tent.
I understand you had a friend
who violated your trust,
and I assume you gave him
a lot of trust.
I could tell him anything,
and he wouldn't judge me,
and we could talk
about anything.
You gave him so much trust
that right now,
you question yourself,
when you did absolutely
nothing wrong
but trust a friend
who did not give you
the proper respect you deserved.
For whatever reason,
he chose to do that.
But that was not
your fault at all.
And can I ask you this?
Are you ever at a place that
you can truly forgive him
and let it go?
I think that I've forgiven him.
I think that I have kind of
excused it almost, so...
Where are you at
in forgiving yourself
for these things happening?
Because I don't care
how much you tell yourself,
"It's not my fault.
It's not my fault,"
Anybody who has ever been
treated in that manner
carries some sense of guilt.
And I'm just curious -
have you forgiven yourself
for it?
I don't think so.
You don't have to
just forgive them.
You have to forgive you,
and you have to accept
that it was something
that happened
that was beyond your control,
and you have to say,
"You know what? I'm sick
of this event ruining my life."
Tell me his name.
♪♪
Kenneth.
Kenneth.
Danielle: I had never actually,
like, said his name out loud,
and no one had ever
asked me that,
so I was really
caught off guard by it,
and I didn't really know
how to answer or what to do.
But saying his name
actually gave it less power,
and that was incredible.
I didn't realize that
part of all the burden
I was carrying
and part of all the pain
wasn't me, like,
not forgiving him.
It was me not forgiving myself.
Teri: People don't understand
it's not always gonna be,
you know, these big, fluffy,
cotton-candy clouds
and unicorns and fairies.
It's not always
beautiful and pretty.
Sometimes it gets to be
some ugly shit,
but, you know, it's 'cause
we've got some ugly shit in us
that needs to be dealt with
and gotten out.
[ Cries ]
♪♪
Once Mother Aya took hold of me,
it was this big,
like, complete release.
It went from a sad cry
to a healing cry and to -
I wanted to get that out.
I needed to just be able to,
like, release
all of the anger and resentment
that I had towards myself
and toward the situation.
I feel alive now,
and I feel like
I actually have a life
worth living
whereas before,
I didn't really feel that way.
[ Sighs ]
♪♪
I closed my eyes.
I saw -
at first, it was,
like, a yellow blanket,
and it was, like, in waves.
Like, it would move in waves,
and for each wave,
you saw a different pattern.
So there were, like, red lines
and green lines
and red triangles
and green triangles,
and it, like,
blanketed the whole universe.
It was Mother Aya,
and she was this spindle shape,
and she had all of these threads
that went to everything
in the universe
and touched everything
in the universe.
I realized that she was
in everything,
and it was just so calming
and so surreal.
♪♪
♪♪
After, like, being in the tent,
I did find, like,
that unconditional love
and that feeling
of unconditional love,
and I was the happiest
I had ever been
and, you know,
when I interacted with her,
it was like she wouldn't
let me face anything bad
because she wanted me to feel,
like, all the good things.
Sounds like you're starting
your garden of contentment.
Yeah.
And that's a place
that only you reside,
and that's a place you go
to make all your decisions
in your life -
that garden of contentment.
You see, I learned in prison
in the hard way
that I can be content in an
unhappy situation. Right.
Happiness comes and goes,
and you learn to just flow
with the hills and valleys,
no different than your journey.
You are a strong woman.
You're a goddess.
Thank you.
You know, the one thing
I really wanted for you
was even though, you know, like,
all these things have happened,
and you felt like
you had been broken,
what I wanted most for you
was to realize you hadn't been.
And it sounds like you got that.
Yeah.
And I think that is just
absolutely amazing.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you so much.
Danielle:
When I first got here,
I feel like my self-worth
was really low.
But after I drank the ayahuasca,
I feel like I can do anything
and I don't need
anyone else's approval
or anyone else's validation.
I was living in
a constant state of fear,
and I was always having anxiety
and looking over my shoulder.
I feel like I have a different
vibe about me now,
and I feel like I can do more
things and get out of the house,
and I don't have to be
this hermit.
Now I feel like I'm free,
and I feel like
I can just be happy,
and I can just be me.
Steve: Come on up.
Come on up.
Y'all have been a pleasure
to work with,
and we look forward
to interacting with you
more in the future.
Coming to Aya Quest,
I was feeling the anger.
I was feeling the depression,
the anxiety.
It was trying
to take control of me.
And leaving Aya Quest,
after the ceremonies,
I'm able to let go
of those things.
We can't change what's happened.
We can only change
what happens in the future.
- Come here, you.
- Thank you.
Ah. Take care of
yourself, you hear?
I will.
Ayahuasca is there to help you
when you need it,
but it's not there
to control you.
She is unconditional love
and unconditional care.
Mother Aya really is everything.
♪♪
Kevin:
Ayahuasca is a mother.
She's there for you.
She will be there
and help you
through all of your baggage,
all of your emotions,
but you have to seek her out.
She's not gonna force you
to take the journey.
♪♪
Right now, we have to nurture
ayahuasca in America.
I know some of you
look at me and go,
"What the...
is the world coming to,
when a convicted felon,
a bank robber,
can set in front of me and go,
'Dude, do this hallucinogen
with me'?
How in the hell did this happen
amid a war on drugs?"
Well, I'll tell you
how it happened.
It was the power of
a lot of people
who looked a lot of time
behind bars dead in the eye
and said, "...you."
Violence ain't the answer.
Revolution ain't the answer.
Evolution is, and Mother Aya
is leading that charge,
and she is here in America.
The jaguar is here.
To be honest with you,
I consider this right here
to be the Amazon of America,
right here in the state of
Kentucky, in this forest.
I feel like I'm the father
of the forest,
in the Amazon of America.
That's exactly how I feel
every time
I walk through the woods
of this dark and bloody ground.
♪♪
♪♪
Kevin: I got a lot of benefits
coming out of it.
It was a life-changing,
or mind-changing, experience.
♪♪
♪♪
I'm completely off my medication
for depression and anxiety.
I definitely feel like
I love myself so much more.
♪♪