Kentucky Ayahuasca (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Margaret, Luke & Gislene - full transcript

You got to forgive yourself.

That's not you, but you've
convinced yourself you're weak,

and you're not weak.

- It's absolutely true.
- You know it.

- It's so stupid.
- It ain't stupid.

It's real. It's so real,
and you're not stupid.

You're dealing
with an addiction.

I've been a lot of things
in my life.

I've been a bank robber
and a prisoner,

but being a shaman
is my calling.

Ayahuasca is Schedule I
narcotic,



the same as heroin and LSD,
but it's not a drug.

It's medicine, and in my church,
it's a sacrament.

We can do in 2 days

what conventional therapy
may take years to do,

but only if you are willing
to step into the pain.

You are listening to 93.9 WLX.

I am Mark Royce,

and we are here today
talking with Steve Hupp.

Welcome, Steve. Hi.

Well, thank you, Mark.
I'm glad to be here.

Steve is the founder and leader

of the Aya Quest
Native American Church

located
in Campbellsville, Kentucky.

Campbellsville is a
very stereotypical,



conservative place.

Do you know how many
churches there are in this county?

103 - Presbyterian,

Catholic,
Christian, Episcopalians.

Have you heard of this
Ayahuasca church?

I have not heard of
this aska-wa church.

I still don't think
a lot of people

even know what ayahuasca is.

Can you sort of explain
just sort of...

Give us a rundown.

- Sure.
- What is ayahuasca?

Ayahuasca is a natural
psychedelic brew,

and it's a chemical portal
to the other side.

It's already set up to help us
spiritually transition.

Hmm. Just want to be sure

it's not like the Kool-Aid
in Jones...

Jones... Yeah.

I'm not building a cult.

I am not here to build
a compound

and load 1,000 people up
who think I'm god

so I can lead them to whatever
apocalypse I have in mind.

You know, it's the other side
that does the healing, you know?

It's the other side that
brought us together to this day.

It's the other side
who has decided

that Mother Aya needs
to come into modernization.

Well, I do not like to hear
there's a place

in Campbellsville like this.

I would say something like that
is more of a cult.

I just think it's absurd
to even think about tea

that would get you
closer to God.

We have enough of a drug issue
as it is,

so this seems like
just another problem.

What I am building here
is a mental concept.

It is a place within our minds,
and it's called peace,

and it's a word that we
haven't talked about that,

when we do think about it,

we've been conditioned
to see hippies doing this,

and really a peace
is a place of your mind

and a place of your heart.

My goal, at the end of the day,
is to change our perspectives,

change how we look
at each other,

and that's what I want,

not for the country,
but for the world.

I've been a compulsive
binge eater for a really long time

and kept it secret and hidden,

even from my spouse, my parents.

It makes me feel very vulnerable
and uncomfortable

to talk about my binge eating
because to me, at least,

it seems like the amount of food
that you eat is a basic thing

that you should be able
to control,

and sometimes I can,
but most times I can't.

I guess this is my chair, right?

There have been times where

I just want to check out
emotionally,

and food's
a great way to do that.

The main reason that
I'm here today is to see

if ayahuasca can help me manage
my food choices in a better way

and make choices
that are good for me.

At the end of 2016,
I planned to take my own life.

I have a motorcycle,

and I just planned
on getting on that rocket

and riding it into
something super solid

and just kind of evaporating,
I guess you could say.

My wife, the gleam in her eye

that I saw on
our wedding day was gone.

My kids did not like me.

I just felt like maybe it would
be better if I'm not here.

Some of the things
that I experienced as a kid

gave me the idea that I was
kind of worthless or disposable.

The outlook that I have is -
is quite bleak.

I can rally myself up
a lot of the time,

but I don't want to have
to put on a mask

to show people the smile.

I want to smile from the inside.

I want to truly feel good
all the time about who I am.

I feel grateful to be here
and that potentially

by doing the ayahuasca ceremony,

I will find the answer
that will keep me

from going back down that road.

So how are you all this evening?

I'm good. I'm...

Nervous energy is starting
to well back up again.

That's okay.
Everybody is nervous.

I don't care how many times
you do it.

You're still a little nervous
every time you do it.

Come on in, and have a seat.

How are you doing this evening?

- Good.
- Yeah?

- A little nervous.
- That is a popular answer.

I'm telling you.

In this group,
we have Luke from Oklahoma.

We have Margaret
coming from Tennessee,

and we have Gislene
from Michigan.

All right.

We are ready to head downstairs

and see where you all

will be spending
the next couple of days.

Sound good?
- Mm-hmm.

Margaret is like,
"Let's get it on."

All right.

If you all would like to find
your spot, set your stuff down.

My depression started
when I was a teenager.

I always have, like,
just negative thinking

and just thinking bad things
about myself all the time,

and I did ayahuasca before
about 4 months ago,

and it started good,
but it was just very hard on me.

Like, it was emotionally harsh.

Physically, too, I just felt
a lot of pain in my body.

I went there looking
for purpose,

and then I just realized
I had a lot to heal,

so I am doing this again

because I am feeling hopeful
that it will change

and make me have
more acceptance of myself.

I already feel like
I'm going to throw up,

and I haven't
drank the stuff yet.

Not everybody gets sick
on our tea.

Yeah.

The way it breaks down,
it's usually less than

half of the people
in any given group.

Good, I like those odds.

How is everybody doing?

First, before we begin,

I'd like to share with you
why I'm wearing these.

This right here came from
a soldier from Afghanistan.

This right here came
from a person

who was battling
an opiate addiction

who was sitting right
where you are sitting,

and this person,
who was a combat medic,

gave me her combat medic badge
as a symbol of her healing,

and she came here
facing severe PTSD.

Sitting there at that chair,

that first night,
they were nervous.

They were tense,
but you know what?

The one thing that got them
through was,

they learned
to trust the medicine.

They learned to trust
the process,

and they learned
to trust something

they didn't always understand.

With that in mind, Nik,
would you please add these

to our altar for this ceremony
as symbols of the healing?

With this group here,
I knew we were facing

a lot more anxiety

than we normally do
in a regular group setting.

I needed to show them
that others had sat

in that exact same seat
just as nervous as them

and come through
on the other side intact.

One of the first questions
a lot of people ask,

"Well, how much can I drink?"

You can drink as much
as you can hold.

We're not going to stop you,
long as you're within reason.

We'll do your first cup.
We'll wait 20, 30 minutes.

Then we'll do a second cup.

After that, we'll wait
an hour and a half.

For some people, it will take
right up to 2 hours

to start feeling it.

Teri here is one of
the best dosers out here

as far as keeping you
where it's not going to become

overwhelming, too intense,
and your first night,

we really want your experience
to be like a warm hug.

For 35 years of my life,

I've been standing like a boxer
in a boxing stance, you know?

I'm just tired, and I'm ready
to put those defenses down

and become a good father,
a good husband,

the way I know is possible

that I just can't seem
to find the way to do.

From what I have read
on the Internet,

ayahuasca could give you
a perspective

from, apparently, a divine way

that makes
you want to love yourself.

That sounds good to me.

Ayahuasca's a hallucinogenic tea

made with plants
from the Amazon,

and it is the strongest
psychedelic

known to man,
but this isn't like LSD.

Ayahuasca's a portal
to your inner self,

your subconscious,
and through that portal,

you're going to meet a goddess
we call Mother Aya.

When your journey first
takes off, you may feel euphoria

until, boom, the spike hits,
and the purge begins.

You may laugh.

You may cry, and you may do both
at the same time.

You may puke or shit,
but each of those purges

are a physical manifestation
of an emotional release.

That's when you truly
find healing.

- Yeah.
- It's okay.

- Try not to.
- Don't fight it.

Don't fight it.
- Let it go.

Let it go.
Let it go.

There you go.

There you go.

Margaret purged quickly,
but, you know,

when we poured the second cup,
she was right there.

Boom, it was back,
and you know what?

If you're going to
cut your leg off,

you don't want to do it
an inch at a time.

You want to do it all at once,
and that's exactly what she did,

and that is pure, raw courage

with a little bit
of desperation mixed in.

I'm like a lot of Americans out
there in that I'm overweight.

I've been obese at times,

and it's been a struggle
throughout my life,

but it was never, like, a health
concern until I was in college.

I went to Virginia Tech,
and we had

the best dining program
in the nation when I went there,

and it was all within
walking distance, baby,

and I gained a decent 30 pounds
in my freshman year,

and then there was
a mass shooting

in one of the last months
of the school year

that forever changed the course
and direction of my life.

Get off the sidewalk.
Get off the sidewalk.

Our nation is shocked
and saddened by the news

of the shootings
at Virginia Tech today.

And there were 32
people that were shot and killed

on our campus.

It's hard to say
what I was feeling that day.

There was an emergency
alert system that was saying,

"A shooting has been
reported on campus.

Seek shelter immediately."

The first confirmed death
I heard of

was a fellow band member
who had passed away,

and my RA had been killed.

I know I was basically just
feeling shock and pretty numb.

I count my lucky stars.

I'm thankful
that I'm alive today,

but my relationship with food,
with each passing year,

has become more complicated
and worse.

The shooting was part of that,
but there are lots

of other things
that have gone on, really.

After the shooting,
there was a big sentiment of,

"Live for 32.
Live for the 32 that died."

I still try to do that today,
but so far in my life,

I haven't really made
many changes

in terms of the binge eating.

I'm seeking answers,

and I hope that ayahuasca
might be a piece of that puzzle.

I was surprised with how
quickly I started to feel the effects,

and then the jaguar came.

Gislene, how you doing
over here, sweetie?

- You doing good?
- Just got a little cold.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay.

I just wanted to check
how you're feeling.

- Good.
- Yeah?

You starting to feel it kind
of kick in a little bit or...

Yeah, yeah.

Okay. All right.
I just wanted to check.

The difference from my
first ceremony from Florida

is that I felt way
more comfortable here

and more taken care of
because it was a smaller group,

and in Florida it was, like,
about 30 people,

so they don't have the time
to give you attention.

Growing up in Brazil was nice.

My childhood was good,
but when I started being,

like, becoming a teenager,

then things started
falling apart.

My parents were depressed,

and so I would just feel
depressed with them.

I just hated myself.

I could not even look myself
in the mirror.

My anxiety and depression
affect my relationships

by making me not feel secure
in a relationship

or just doubting myself.

"Why is this person with me?"

Like, I have a boyfriend now,
and sometimes I find it hard

to believe
that someone really loves me.

Now, with Luke, I was
watching his eyes tonight.

They were bouncing everywhere.

When I seen his eyes
working like they were,

that was telling me
he was in his sweet spot.

He was not getting overwhelmed,
but he was on the edge.

He's not asleep,
and he's not awake.

He's kind of in
between a dream state.

That's where the journey lies,

and that's exactly
where we want him.

I was surprised with how
quickly I started to feel the effects.

It was - It was kind of neat.
I immediately felt relaxed.

I got sort of a light visual
of a rattlesnake

kind of slither through.

I didn't see the full snake.

And then the jaguar came,
and it wasn't angry.

It didn't... You know, there was
no flashing of the teeth

or any of that, but immediately
she just reached up,

and it felt as though
she kind of ripped my face off.

It just seemed she was taking
a mask off, you know,

and left me open, and I felt,
"You are now raw.

You are at
your authentic level."

Are you ready to head
upstairs there, real quick?

- Mm-hmm.
- All right.

I'm going to take a bucket
just in case.

How you feeling, okay?
- Yeah.

All right. Great.

My first impression of Gislene,

I'm seeing a woman
with a lot of pain,

and I also see a person who's
really reaching for progression,

but I just sense a sadness that
keeps emanating from her eyes.

It was intense.

You know, I was scared to go
too hard with her on any front

because she was fragile.

In that first conversation,

I just wanted to make
her feel comfortable with me,

Teri, Nik, Walter and ayahuasca.

From what I gathered,

your first time
taking ayahuasca,

you didn't feel like
they had enough people

to take care of you.
- Mm-hmm.

- Was that true?
- Yes.

Well, that's why it's one
of our big concerns that,

one, we stay with small groups
for safety

but for, two, so we can give
individual attention,

kind of like what
I'm doing here with you now.

Mm-hmm.

Now then, coming into
this ceremony,

what was some of the things
that we wanted to address?

Yes, so I wanted to address
healing for my depression,

just shyness and not having...
just wanting, like,

to have a purpose...
- Okay.

...and a bigger connection
to spirit.

And how long have you suffered
from depression?

Since when I was a teenager,
just, like, growing up.

Was there any event
that triggered it,

or was it just one long
bout of depression

from then until now?
- Yeah.

It used to be way worse
when I was a teenager

because, like,
all the changes in my body,

I just had a really hard time
coping with that,

and I just had
a lot of self-hatreds.

- Right.
- And I just wanted to, yeah,

to kill myself and...

Can I ask when was
the first time

you had serious thoughts
of suicide?

When I was 13.

- When you were 13.
- Mm-hmm.

When was the last time
that you had them as an adult?

When my last relationship that
I had, like, not long ago...

I mean, I just hated
everything about it and...

Now, was there ever a time
in your adult life

that you would call
a great period,

that everything
was going your way?

I know I wanted to work
with the environment,

so I got this internship,

so everything was going great
at that time.

- Okay.
- I think it was the best time.

That was some of your
best times.

- Mm-hmm.
- So you can have good times,

that's what I'm pointing
out to you now.

- Mm-hmm.
- And that also means

there's also going to be other
good phases coming in your life,

and I just want you
to think about that

as the medicine
starts to work with you.

I was really pleased
with Gislene.

She had a rough start going
into her journey in Florida.

She didn't have a good
experience

because she couldn't trust
and let go.

That's what we had to move
Gislene past.

Personally, I feel that they
were out for the money.

You know, anytime you throw
30, 40, 50 people

in a room to do ayahuasca,

you're not there
doing the healing.

You're there whoring Mother,
and when you're whoring Mother,

you're not helping no one.

Before I knew it,
I'm on the ground

with this grown man
on my shoulders.

My stepfather was like
a stepmonster, really.

Last night's experience
was very peaceful.

I let go of the stress
and anxiety

and all of those things
that I came with,

and I feel really good.

You know, I chose this shirt
because that was an intention

that I had,
to come and really realize

that I am a beautiful person.

I am worthy, and that...
And I'm wearing it today

because, um, you know,
I feel really good, so...

I built this wall
of this big man, you know,

but what I realize is that,
that was because

I didn't have the big man
inside of me, you know?

I didn't feel confident inside,

so I figure
if I build this exterior,

at least I would look confident.

As a child, my parents,
they separated

when I was about 3 years old,
and shortly after that,

I was introduced
to both of my stepparents,

and the cycle of abuse just sort
of started happening there,

you know, almost immediately,

and that was from the age of 3
into my teen years,

you know, off and on.

My stepfather was like
a stepmonster, really.

There was a lot of
physical abuse with him.

You know, it almost seemed
like a sick obsession

where, you know, choking me out

or beating me
in front of people.

There was one time he...

Hmm.

I was reading a newspaper,

and it was one of those rants
where,

"What are you over there doing,
faggot?"

Whatever, and I said,
"I'm reading," you know?

"Well, I don't know what
the hell you're doing that for.

It's not going to get you
anywhere in life."

And I'm like, "I am going to
make something of myself,"

you know?
And that pissed him off,

and before I knew it -
And there were people there.

I'm on the ground with this
grown man on my shoulders

with his dick in my face,
you know, like...

It's just horrible, you know?

You know, as a child,
I felt like,

"My mother's not protecting me,"

and I see how
it's affecting my life.

I see how it's affecting my
relationship with my children,

and I want to learn
how to deal with that

in a much different
and more healthy way

so that I can create
a life for them

that they're not sitting
in front of a camera

like this communicating
about how they wish

their parents
had raised them different.

- If you like...
- Thank you.

...you may have a seat
right here.

Sometimes before the ceremony,
Steve will have the individuals

prepare something to use
during their journey.

Steve has asked me to bring
you here with these materials,

and we'd like for you to make
an expression of yourself.

- Okay.
- Use your imagination.

Think about your intention
for tonight's ceremony...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...and the transformation

that you came here seeking

and who you want to be.
- Okay.

- Okay, do you feel pretty good?
- All right. Yeah.

All right. Well, it's a pleasure
to be working with you.

- Oh, thanks.
- I'll see you later.

I'll get crafting.

Hmm.

Margaret is here because
she's a binge eater,

that she's had a problem
with her weight for a long time.

Now, binge eaters are
like any other addict.

They're using the food
to get dopamine

because
it's a feel-good hormone.

Dopamine is really
what we're all addicted to.

Even cocaine causes your brain
to flood dopamine,

and so does food, especially
when you're hiding behind it,

and that's what
we're here to break.

I was trying to think
about my intention and healing,

and the first thing that
really popped out to me

was this rock, specifically.

It looked like it had some
purple in it, which is amethyst.

It's my birth stone.

It - You - It - You can't see it

because it's in here
right now because it's me,

and I'm trapped in a little cage

that I made that's sort of like
a snowflake that looks stupid,

but I feel like I'm trapped.

It feels dumb to be so emotional
about something,

but I feel like it represents
what I'm looking for,

which is freedom from this cage
that I put myself in.

Hello, everyone.

- Hello, hello.
- Hello.

Imagine meeting like this again.

Right?

If you will notice, this brew
is quite a bit darker...

Quite a bit.

...which means it's quite
a bit stronger.

You're going to find
the medicine

is going to come faster tonight.

The medicine is a lot
stronger tonight,

so your experiences are going
to be much more intense.

You're incredibly courageous.
I applaud all of you,

and just be ready
for an intense night tonight.

Now, when it's darker,
it tastes better.

Oh, I bet so.
I bet so.

Mm, it smells delicious.

So brave, yet skilled
at the art of deception.

When I see someone take a moment
before they drink,

for me, I like to see that.

I like to see someone pause
and just kind of find

that spiritual neutral
for a moment and, you know,

look at that cup and resonate
with that cup, you know?

That's Mother in that cup.

I know that's hard to understand
on that first night,

but, man, by the time
you get to the second night,

you truly understand it.

There's things happening here

that no one can possibly
tell you about.

You just have to do
to understand it,

and that's when Mother will work
her magic with you,

is when you come with
that kind of open mind-set,

open heart,
and your knock on their door,

and you say, "Please come in,
and help me any way you can."

Margaret has to see
the real Margaret,

the Margaret that ain't
going to let this shit

affect one more...
day of her life.

The biggest misconception
about ayahuasca

is that it's a drug.

Um, it's not a drug.

It's not something you do
for fun.

It's not, you know, "Hey,
you know, let's go party, dude."

It... No.

It is a very powerful tool
for helping people.

It's a spiritual portal.

- How we doing?
- Great, doing good.

Are you ready to come?

- Sure.
- Excellent.

We'll get you a water, and make
sure you get some shoes on.

Okay.

Margaret and I have a lot
in common

when it comes to our weight
issues and our eating issues.

I have had weight issues
all my life,

up and down,
up and down, you know?

I mean, that comes with
my addictive personality.

You know, there's times
I binge eat.

Even today, it'd be real easy
to bust into a case of Pop-Tarts

and sit in front of the TV
and just tear them up.

You know, I know what it is
to go through a binge

and your self-worth.

You feel like shit, and
physically you feel like crap,

and, you know, that just adds
to the depression.

The key to Margaret
is her inner dialogue,

and that's why I've asked her
to make an effigy

so we both can see
how she's viewing herself:

me from the outside,
her from the inside looking out,

and I believe it's really
going to help bring us together

in tackling this problem.

Now then,
you've got your effigy.

Could you please describe
this for me?

With what I had in front of me,
I took some paper.

I tried to make a little
snowflake out of it,

which turned into a cage...
- Okay.

...that I put myself in
and tied myself into.

Tell me how that person
got to that cage

because that's how you feel now,

trapped within
your binge eating.

Mm-hmm.
I absolutely do.

I guess when I try to think
back on when it started,

the first time I ever ate
an entire sleeve

of saltine crackers...
- Okay.

...that's probably
where that started,

and I just kind of got addicted
to that feeling afterwards.

And you said the key word
there: addicted.

Addiction is a strange
disease model.

You're going to have to change
your approach to food,

and you know that.
- Yeah.

I've known it for a long time.

For a long time, but there's
going to be a day

where you're going to get
in front of this thing

because I sense it from you
right now how bad you want it,

but you've convinced yourself
you're weak

when you fall off the horse,
and you're not weak.

You're dealing
with an addiction,

and we're going to start over,

and all the yesterdays
don't matter no more.

Only thing that matters is what
are you going to do tomorrow

to make Margaret
everything she can be,

the Margaret that ain't
going to let this shit

affect one more
...day of her life?

- It's so stupid.
- It ain't stupid.

It's real. It's so real,
and you're not stupid.

Yeah.

See, that's part of that
inner dialogue

that I want you to master
and take control of,

and it will be
the hardest work of your life.

So are you ready to throw
the binge eater

and the woman that doesn't
have any faith in herself...

- Absolutely.
- ...in this fire?

I want you to really look at
that and think about it,

and when you're ready,
let's burn that cage

that is holding Margaret back.

And say goodbye
to that Margaret.

Bye.

By burning that person
in that cage,

we destroyed
what was holding her back

and the person who thought
they couldn't move forward.

It's up to her now.

The door is open, and she has
to walk through it,

and the path to walking through
that door on that cage

is her inner dialogue.

You feeling good?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, and we're going to go
over here,

and we're going to get
into our womb of renewal.

Give me your hand.
Thank you.

And let's just walk around
this way.

We've created a very
special place for her,

and we put her in the womb

because we wanted her
to start over.

When we use a hammock
to simulate a womb,

you know, the womb
was your first bed,

and I wanted her
to feel safe and secure,

and I also wanted her
to be reflective,

and so by taking her back
into this very beginning

in her subconscious mind,

we could start with
a positive foundation

to allow her to move
forward the next day.

As we're forest bathing,

as we're feeling lights
kind of come, go,

change into warm, loving tones,
these tones and these colors

are speaking directly
to our subconscious,

and as you're hearing my voice,

you're feeling
your subconscious open up

to this newfound warmth
and love for Margaret.

And Margaret must also give
that inner-child Margaret a hug.

Right now, I just want you
to forest bathe.

I want you to feel the energies
from the Earth,

from the air, from the insects,
from the birds,

and I just want you to be,
for just a few moments.

Just be.

Just be.

I remember the day
of my capture,

as 80 cops
were swirling down on me.

I can taste the gun
steel in my mouth.

When I see Luke, I seen a person

who was holding back
a lot of pain.

I feel Luke has some serious
trust issues

that stem from his mother,

even though his anger
was projected to his stepdad,

and that was the focal
point of the anger.

The real bitter pill was,
his mother didn't protect him.

But to live, to truly thrive,
you got to make peace with it,

and that's what I want for him.

I know everybody has heard
the saying,

"A picture
is worth 1,000 words."

Well, under ayahuasca,
it's worth 10,000 words

because you're talking
immediately to the subconscious.

What we've decided to set up
is a projection room,

and we're going to intermingle
some childhood photos

with other photos, some good,
some bad, some neutral.

Luke,
if you would do me a favor,

just sit there at
that end of the bed.

Okay.

Some of these images are going
to put him in places

that he hasn't wanted
to go to in a long time,

and that's exactly
where I mean to take him,

and then move him forward
out of that grief,

out of that pain.

What is your relationship
right now like with your mother?

So the things that I find
still affect me today

are more of the mental
pictures of situations

I have seen her in, you know?
- Mm-hmm.

And situations she turned
a blind eye that you were in.

Right, and that's...

That can be kind of tough
to reconcile.

As a parent, you know,
the last thing I would ever want

is to cause my child pain.
Of course, we all do.

It's inevitable.
- Sure.

And if she had issues
with alcohol at that time...

Definitely,
and many other things.

Right.

But my hope with kind of
bringing that up this weekend

is that I can
completely reconcile that

because I realize it affects
my relationships

with my children and my wife.

Yes.

What we've prepared for you

is a little projection
here on this sheet,

and we're going to go
through some pictures,

and I'd like you to tell me
about this picture,

if you would.

We were in Phoenix at that time,

and we did not live
in a good place at all.

I was actually held up
at gunpoint for a bicycle.

Wow, and you couldn't even
tell it by looking at that face.

Well, you know, I think
I've done a fairly good job

throughout my life
of putting on that mask,

you know, of happiness,

and that's caused
a majority of my issue

because I deal with
my things in the quiet.

Oh, my goodness.

Tell me about the day
you married your wife.

I had never been happier
in my life...

and I lost that.

I lost that gleam.

Let's go to the next one.

We kind of understand
you like motorcycles.

You know, I planned
my suicide last year,

and that was the method
that I was going to use.

Oncoming traffic?

Something solid.

It'd have been a good one.

Oh, I know, dust.

You wouldn't have known a thing.

I am so glad
that did not happen.

- So is she.
- Oh, yeah.

That's my girl.

I remember the day
of my capture.

I can taste the gun steel
in my mouth,

and like you, my child,
a flash of my child

at that one moment as 80 cops
were swirling down on me,

stopped me
from pulling the trigger.

Right.

Just like you,

I had to hang in there
for a little longer.

You know, I look at that face
right there, and, man,

she's looking
at the love of her life.

I would do anything for her.

And you're doing it.

Yeah.
That's right.

You're letting go of the past
so it doesn't become

a part of her future,
and that's breaking a chain.

That's right.

And that is a brave thing to do.

When I looked at his eyes
in that light,

when that face of his daughter
come up

that was about to kiss him,

all the pains
of the world faded.

Nothing else mattered.

Arguing with Mom,
Mom being an alcoholic,

none of it mattered, and right
then was his turning point,

and I knew we had it.

You can't give
what you don't have.

Exactly, and neither
could your mother.

I know that.

She couldn't give
what she didn't have.

- Yep.
- But she got you here alive.

That's right.

And that's all that...
That's all she could do.

Yeah, and that's all I need,
is to be alive.

That's all you needed
to be right there.

Yeah.

And without all those
experiences that you had,

you wouldn't be that man
looking at that child.

Not at all.

And that's a beautiful thing.

When I saw the pictures
of my wedding, my daughter,

the emotion
that I felt was gratitude.

You know, Mother Ayahuasca
felt like she was telling me,

"You're on the right road."

Let's get you another cup.

All right.

Immediately
drinking the ayahuasca,

it flushed my whole body.

I felt completely relaxed.

And then I saw sort of,
like, a cement pad, if you will,

and my wife and three kids
and I placed our hands in that,

and it sort of symbolized to me
that that is a unit

that I can fully
immerse myself into and love

without the fear of it
ending or fall apart,

and there was that dialogue

associated with that image
where she said,

"It's okay to live
in your confidence,

and that it's simple, you know?

You just have to keep moving
in the direction you're going,

and everything
is going to be okay."

Last night,
it was hard to have to confront the fact

that I was not and I have
not been kind to myself

or given myself a little bit
of leeway and grace.

We worked quite extensively
out there by that fire,

and we touched
a lot of deep things.

Mm-hmm.
A lot of what you were saying

in terms of my inner dialogue

was really resonating with me.

- Okay.
- And that's, I guess,

something that I hadn't
really realized about myself,

how negative
I was being to myself.

How mean you were to yourself.

Yeah.

A lot of people,
myself included,

aren't aware
of that conversation

that we're having
every moment of the day

that's manifesting
everything around us.

Sometimes we got to pull back
and just be for a minute,

and then reapproach.

Mm-hmm.

You're a beautiful person.

Thank you.

Don't lose faith.
You're going to do wonderful.

I can feel it from you.
I mean that.

Today, Margaret had the first
sincere smile on her face

that I had seen
since she got here.

This was a smile of a person
with a new chance

to create a whole new her,
one where she could love herself

regardless of the numbers
on the scale.

I feel like I took a
big weight out of my shoulders.

I'm just feeling light,
and my heart feels light.

It just feels good, and I feel
like I'm leaving better

than when I came.

My first ceremony from Florida,

I left feeling dark and heavy
and disoriented,

and now, after
the second ceremony,

I just feel, like,
peaceful and relaxed.

Your inner dialogue
is the most important thing

you can be aware of
in the next 2 weeks.

Remember we planted
a lot of seeds here.

Watch what falls back
into place.

We're going to give you
a necklace,

and it's going to be an owl,

and this owl is going
to symbolize wisdom.

This is one of the supreme
predators of the forest.

It is completely silent,
and it rarely misses,

and that's why we're using
the owl

as a symbol of this ceremony.

I definitely feel an element
of self-love

that I don't know
that I've felt before.

Just stepping into confidence
is natural now.

I'm not going to operate
as that victimized child.

All right.

I'm going to give this
to you guys in return.

Oh, thank you, my man.

- Thank you.
- That's awesome.

Oh, thank you so...
Man, that means...

I can't tell you
what that means. Right.

When Luke gave me his necklace,

I looked at it, and you could
tell how much it's been worn.

So when he gave me that rock

he brought into
the ceremonial chamber

that was going to get him
through some of the...

possibly the worst times
of his life,

this was his heart
he just handed me,

and I just made
another lifetime friend.

Thank you, Luke.

I will treasure this forever.
I mean that.

Nice meeting you.
Thank you for...

I think coming to Aya Quest
has kind of opened

the door for me to start,
like Steve said,

sowing the seeds of change.

Safe travels, peace of...

Our world and our nation
is sick in many ways,

and everybody has their own
hurts and their own troubles,

and it's very clear to me
that a lot of people

don't know how to deal with that

or even begin to know
how to deal with that,

so I am just appreciative
of them being a positive force

for change in the world

and doing that through
a nontraditional means.

The healing here is powerful.

People come in, and Mother Aya
shows them

a whole new clarity
on their problems,

and they leave with a brand-new
perspective on their life,

and that cloud of depression
has been lifted,

even if only briefly
for a moment.

They realize they can live life
without being depressed,

and we can't allow anything
to stop that growth

within the United States
of America.

We change the mind-set of this
country and we change the world.

I actually got a new car

and made a rule where I couldn't
get fast food in the new ride.

I had no eating in the car,
no eating in the new car.

My children, they are
dealing with a different dad.

I get to be the dad that
I've always wanted to be.

As a whole, I just find that
my relationships

are so much stronger.