Kentucky Ayahuasca (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Taylor, Jose & Summer - full transcript
Shaman Steve Hupp and his team help participants who are struggling with sex addiction, feelings of low self-worth, and an inability to express emotion.
♪♪
[ Screaming ]
Steve: I've been
a lot of things in my life.
I've been a bank robber
and a prisoner,
but being a shaman
is my calling.
Ayahuasca
is a schedule-I narcotic,
the same as heroin and LSD,
but it's not a drug,
it's medicine,
and in my church,
it's a sacrament.
We can do in two days
what conventional therapy
may take years to do,
but only if you are willing
to step in to the pain.
♪♪
I am living proof that ayahuasca
can help anybody.
Ayahuasca changed my life,
and I don't say that lightly.
20 years ago,
I was a serial bank robber.
I was a stone-cold criminal,
car thief,
and everything in between.
What started my odyssey was
a bank robbery that went wrong
and that I got caught.
That's what landed me in a cell
with a little brown man named
Guadelupe in federal prison.
At that time, I did not know
he was a shaman.
I remember when he told me
about ayahuasca,
I was like, "Aya-what?"
I got out of prison,
and months later,
I get this box with all these
weird markings from customs,
and I open it up,
and it's a 2-liter bottle
marked "dog shampoo"
with a two-word note,
"Be careful."
I told my wife,
"When I shut this door
to my garage,
I'm gonna lock it."
I said, "Don't matter what you
hear, don't you dare open it."
It's me, a candle, a 2-liter
bottle of ayahuasca
that I have no clue
of what's in it,
and I'm an atheist.
And all of a sudden,
that first cup,
I started to feel it course
through my body.
The first time I interacted
with some presences,
I thought I was just tripping,
but this was something
different.
This was a portal.
From that day on,
everything shifted for me.
I said, "I got to learn
how to make this.
I got to learn how to do this."
And that is where
my real transformation
into a shaman began.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
I found a Native American church
who wanted to get
into ayahuasca,
and they ordained me a shaman.
And from there, I set up
a physical location
in a place that was a dry county
where you couldn't
even buy a beer,
and I'm slinging the strongest
psychedelic known to man.
Under Aya Quest
Native Americas Church,
ayahuasca is our sacrament.
No different than wine
is to the Catholic Church.
This is a family operation.
Teri, my wife, Nick, my stepson,
are the backbone
of our organization.
We always have to be mindful
that we are in the Bible Belt.
We're in a conservative,
Christian area.
A lot of people here are not
open to anything they hear
that remotely hears
the word "drugs" attached to.
Nik:
Some people see it as voodoo.
They see it as witchcraft,
and that's simply not true.
We're just people helping people
to help themselves, really.
Steve: People are coming here
to be saved, to be healed,
and we give it to them.
Man: I'm a drug addict,
and I've been shooting heroin
for eight years.
Woman: My depression started
when I was a teenager.
Man #2: The church that I grew
up in was a religious cult.
Woman #2: I was date-raped.
Man #3:
Seasonal bipolar disorder.
Woman #3: Complex post-traumatic
stress disorder.
Man #4: I'm an alcoholic,
for sure.
Woman #4: I have a pretty big
past with opiate addiction,
and I'm ready
to rise above that.
Steve:
You know what that anger is?
That's when you take a shot
of poison
hoping somebody else dies,
and that's what you've been
doing to yourself.
Man #5: I developed a dependency
to opioids,
and I saw what
I was doing to my family.
Ayahuasca
is the ultimate healer.
I have not had a craving since.
And that to me...
And there's the chills.
That, to me, saved my life,
honestly.
Steve: Now, you have some
zealots out there who feel that
for whatever reason, we're
doing something against God.
Rather than having
our ceremony interrupted,
there is times we have
to move the location
of our ceremonies
to clandestine sites.
♪♪
Teri: Since we're not using
our own place,
we've had to get
a different location.
It is out near a large lake
in the woods.
In doing that, we are having to
cleanse and bless the property.
We're going to reset
a ceremony room.
And we're going to do that
so that we have good energy
to have good ceremonies.
[ Tlawil singing
in native language ]
♪♪
Steve: I have apprentices
who help us in our ceremony.
One is Tlawil.
She comes from a long line
of shamans.
Her father is a shaman
from South America,
and she brings unique
traditional perspectives
to the ceremony tonight.
♪♪
♪♪
Taylor: My sex addiction, it
kind of started a while back,
but I didn't realize
it was manifesting
until I would find
myself needing sex.
I would wake up days and just...
I have to go get that release.
I need that.
It's just like a drug.
Like, the more sex you have,
the more sex you need.
The more orgasms you get,
the more orgasms you need.
It's like... It just
wrapped me up so quick.
♪♪
I used Craigslist for a while.
I got on Backpage and looked
for guys on there.
I joined Bluegrass Connections,
which is a sex club in Kentucky,
and that wasn't conducive
to my lifestyle.
It's one thing to have
a sexual appetite.
It's another thing to have
your lifestyle
built around
your sexual appetite,
and that's where I found myself.
I've just really done everything
I could to try
and feed that beast,
and it just got bigger.
I'm really hoping I can get
to the bottom
of the cause
of my sex addiction,
and if it doesn't
work like that,
if it's not just a cut,
dry answer kind of thing,
I would just like
to take the next step
in my spiritual journey
and my healing journey,
so that's why I'm here.
♪♪
Jose: Why am I here?
I'm here because there is
so much emotions,
so much feelings
stuck inside of me.
In my childhood, I was not
able to express love,
or even my teenage years,
I was not able to express love.
I wouldn't even be able to cry,
you know?
Part of that had to do
with a lot of the family issues
that I have with my dad.
Things like that
really affect you.
Just to not be able to, like,
express yourself
whenever you want to,
and now with certain people
in my family,
I can't say I love you.
You know, I can't...
Something else gets stuck here,
and it's very hard for me
sometimes to just,
like, be able to love,
completely love,
to completely empty myself.
Once the ceremony is over,
I'm hoping to get in touch
with my emotions
more instead of ignoring them.
Teri: All right.
So we are going to head
down this way.
So if y'all would like
to follow me.
For this group, we have
Summer and Taylor, who are
both coming from Kentucky,
and we have Jose, who is
coming from North Carolina.
You can tell quite a bit
about a person
when they walk through the door,
body language,
you know,
whether they're talkative,
whether they're with
the group or holding back.
Taylor, one of the first things
that she put on her bed
was a teddy bear.
That signified to me
that she was a very hurt
and scared
and broken little girl.
With Summer, I see someone
who is in their own head
and maybe doesn't know
how to get out.
Summer: Knowing that the
ceremony is about to happen,
I'm very nervous.
I've had trouble
with depression for years.
I'm hoping to leave behind
my self-doubt, insecurities,
fear and anger.
How y'all doing, man?
I'm Steve Hupp.
Nice to meet you.
- Taylor. Nice to meet you.
- Jose.
- Jose.
Nice to meet you.
- You guys are matching.
- Summer. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Summer.
Steve:
I see you've met my team.
You know, the main thing
for you tonight is relax.
Don't resist.
And that means trust
the medicine, trust us
and trust Mother Aya
and trust yourself.
You're gonna do this.
You're gonna fly your own soul,
and that is incredibly powerful
and, at times,
incredibly frightening.
The one thing Teri and I,
or anybody on our side
of the table,
hate to hear in the middle
of an ayahuasca experience is,
"Make it stop," because there is
no making it stop.
Only time makes it stop.
I can take you
to the emergency room.
There is no anti-ayahuasca shot.
The only thing that's
gonna happen
is you're gonna be strapped down
and an empty stomach
is gonna be pumped,
and it's gonna be painful,
and you're still
gonna be tripping.
I'm just saying so when
you're in your journey,
if things are becoming
a little unnerving,
just breathe, focus
on your breath, relax.
Now then, to let you know
there is nothing in this brew,
I drink it every ceremony.
I drink one small cup to let
everybody know
there is nothing in here
that I won't put in my body
on a regular basis,
and I've been doing this
for 16 years.
I'm 52 years old.
So, bottoms up.
Ooh, that was good.
Teri:
So, we're gonna go ahead
and we're gonna start
with our first dose.
Our goal tonight is
to just get you
where you're having
an experience
but nothing
that you can't manage.
You know, if you need more,
don't be afraid to ask.
I am going to give you yours.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Go ahead?
- Shoot it, girl.
Summer: I took the sip,
and it tastes so bad.
It's a lot like really bitter
burnt coffee
with maybe alcohol in it
or something.
I'm not sure.
It's an intense flavor.
Steve: When you're ready to go
to your bed, just say,
"Hey, I got to go."
Taylor: As soon as they were
starting to pour it,
I was like, "I have to go
to the bathroom," like,
"This is too much."
I was shaking.
I think it was just that
I was nervous.
It all just hit me at once,
like, "This shit is happening."
I'm about to face this.
[ Crying ]
Every time I'd open my eyes
was me trying to snap out of it.
Like, "Don't make me feel this
right now,"
and she just kept going.
O0 C1
♪♪
Teri: The journey tonight with
the group is going very well.
They've just kind of slid
right in,
and down there
doing their thing.
♪♪
Steve: Many people has asked me
who is Mother Aya.
Could I draw you
a picture of her?
No.
But I have felt her cradle me
in her lap so many times.
Mother Aya is a divine presence.
She's a spirit.
She is an energy.
And ayahuasca is the chemical
portal to Mother Aya.
Ayahuasca is
a hallucinogenic tea
made with plants
from the Amazon,
and it is the strongest
psychedelic known to man,
but this isn't like LSD.
Ayahuasca is a portal
to your inner self,
your subconscious,
and through that portal,
you are gonna meet
a goddess we call Mother Aya.
When your journey
first takes off,
you may feel euphoria
until boom,
the spike hits,
and the purge begins.
You may laugh.
You may cry, and you may
do both at the same time.
You may puke or shit,
but each of those purges
are a physical manifestation
of an emotional release.
That's when you truly
find healing.
♪♪
Teri: How are we doing
over here, sweetie?
Starting to feel it some?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- I'm feeling a lot.
- All right.
Then I'm gonna leave you alone
and let you feel, sweetie, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Teri: When someone is
on ayahuasca, you know,
you kind of treat them like you
would a 2-year-old, you know.
You watch them,
and that's our job.
That's what we do is we
just focus
on keeping them in a good spot
and making sure that, you know,
physically they are good.
Summer: The sensations that I
felt when it started to work,
I felt lighter,
like almost as if
I was just connected
and a part of everything.
It was the most peace I think
I've ever felt in my life.
I've struggled with suicidal
thoughts since I was a kid.
About two years ago, I went
through a very difficult breakup
that was directly
after a miscarriage,
and that definitely made me
spiral a little bit.
I just kind of lost it.
I was depressed for weeks.
It was hard to get out of bed.
It was hard to talk to people.
Most people don't even know
about it,
most of my family
members or friends.
It's just something that I've
kept to myself for a long time,
and it's a part of my life
that I really need to heal.
♪♪
Taylor:
I grew up in Sonora, California.
I had two sisters
and two brothers.
We were home-schooled.
It was a pretty rough childhood,
but if I focus on the good,
it wasn't that bad.
I was abused by two people
who were supposed
to raise and nurture me,
and instead of doing that,
they destroyed any semblance
of a regular childhood
I had any hope for.
**** I don't want to do this.
[ Crying ]
My childhood and, like,
the way I was raised,
and the interactions
I have with my family
have sculpted me
into what I think
is I'm a very good mom
to my son.
My son is 3 years old.
He's amazing.
He's funny.
He's charismatic.
He's just my world.
For a while, I was really
cautious about disciplining him
because I was scared
I would cross that line,
and it would be too much,
but if anything,
I think that that overawareness
of that
has led to just
the most beautiful relationship.
Like, he respects me,
and I'm his best friend,
and I never thought
that was possible.
♪♪
Teri: She wants you to be
the best you that you can be,
and I know you want to be
the best you
that you can be for your son,
and you will be.
You will be.
Steve: When I met Summer,
the first thing
I kind of felt from her,
she has a very negative
inner dialogue.
There was this kind of
negative cloak
that she had self-constructed
that you could feel that
was inner woven in her aura,
that she approached life as if
everything was gonna go wrong
rather than approaching life
that a lot of it
was gonna go right.
Come in with us real quick.
What she's about to learn
is that's her inner voice.
It's neither negative
or positive.
It is whatever she wants it
to be
if she becomes aware of it
and takes control of it.
Right on out here.
♪♪
Have you ever heard
of forest bathing?
That's what we're doing here.
That's why we have the trees
all around us,
and the energy is coming,
being brought up from the Earth
really loud and proud.
So with that being said,
I'd like to discuss
this negative dialogue
that you have that has
kind of hampered your life.
I just don't have any confidence
in myself.
I find it really hard
to assert myself and...
Okay.
...most thoughts that
I have, I'll say,
"Nobody is gonna
care about that."
Or I'm not gonna do it, or...
Yeah.
Or I can't do it.
...I can't do it.
Okay.
Now, how old are you now?
- 25.
- 25.
You're just starting.
You're just starting.
Go soft on yourself.
You're just now stepping
into adulthood.
And who didn't make
a lot of mistakes
in their teenage years?
When that inner dialogue
that you have right now
and that conditioning
takes over,
and the next thing you know
you catch yourself
talking all that shit
to yourself,
that's when you're gonna pause.
"That's who I was.
That's not who I'm trying to be,
and that's not who I am."
You're only 25 years old.
That's beautiful.
I want you to have
a positive conversation
with yourself.
I want you to tell yourself
everything you love about you.
And I also want you to talk
to yourself
about why you are
worthy of love,
why you are worthy of support,
and why you are worthy
of success in your life.
But I am gonna leave you
alone here in this setting.
I want you to have this
beautiful conversation
with yourself.
♪♪
Summer:
As I was meditating,
I opened my eyes
for a second and I looked down,
and I saw a little beetle
scurry across the ground,
and I thought about earlier
in the day
when I had had
another interview.
One of the sound guys saw a
spider walking across the floor,
and he put a bucket on it,
and I thanked him
for not killing it
because I don't kill bugs.
I don't kill anything.
And in that moment
while I was sitting by myself,
I was like, "I find the life
of a bug so significant
that I'll let it be,
but I can't find myself
significant enough
to let myself be."
And that was my breakthrough.
♪♪
The relationship with my father
was like,
he was very abusive,
especially towards my mom,
and my dad would threaten her
to kill us, to kill her.
O0 C1
♪♪
Tlawil: Three more breaths.
♪♪
Steve: Now, during the day
after the first ceremony,
yoga is a beautiful mechanism
to relax with,
and I think it puts them
in a good place
of being in touch
with their mind
and their body
before going into night two.
Taylor: Last night was
a little difficult.
The sex addiction thing, like,
I really did come here
to find answers for that,
you know.
Like, just where is it
coming from so I can fix it.
Didn't even get touched.
Mother Aya, she made me purge
all my crying,
all my sadness, all the emotions
I hadn't felt or allowed myself
to feel all at once.
Bring up the spine
so the messages
goes fluently to your...
Every time I would open my eyes
was me trying to snap out of it,
like, "Don't make me
feel this right now,"
and she just kept going.
Stuff I had been holding
back for years,
stuff I hadn't even
taken the time
to realize was hurting me
all washed over me at once,
and it was like
I expected to vomit,
and I would have rather shit
my pants
than cried in front of
that many people and cameras,
but it felt so much better.
Tonight's gonna be a bitch.
Jose: When I first took
the first drink,
I felt a little excited.
I started feeling, like,
some sort of relaxation.
You know, my muscles
started feeling more relaxed.
I couldn't stop smiling
at first.
I was like, "Okay, the room
is turning pink.
Okay, I think it's beginning,
you know,"
and everybody came to mind,
you know,
my sisters, my brother, my mom.
I'm originally from Mexico.
I've been living in North
Carolina for about 19 years.
The relationship with my father
was like...
[ Sighs ] It was tough.
He was very abusive
towards my brother,
especially, my mom.
I got to taste a little of that,
and it wasn't very good.
He was very controlling, and my
mom wasn't happy those years.
When she came here
to the United States,
for her to grow the courage
to say,
"No, I don't want this anymore.
I need to leave."
Because any time
she would try that,
my dad would try to, like,
threaten her to kill us,
to kill my grandparents,
to kill her.
He was - He was very
frightening, you know.
We couldn't show when we were
sad, when we were depressed,
when we were going
through something.
Have to be straight,
have to be strong.
I don't feel like I have gotten
that breakthrough
that a lot of people talk about.
Tonight, I'm hoping to get
my socks rocked on pretty much.
You know, I really want to feel
that turbulence, you know.
I really want to feel like I'm
getting out of my comfort zone,
you know, like I don't
want to control anything.
I just want to go
deep into myself
and just have that breakthrough.
Steve: We got to quit
meeting like this.
[ Laughter ]
How is everybody doing today?
- Good. How are you?
- Very good.
The second night, we strive
for a deeper experience
than the first night.
The first night is like
a warm hug.
We want to introduce you
to Mother Aya.
On the second night,
we increase their dosage,
and the brew is stronger,
and the experience
is much more intense.
The second night,
I take them to deep water,
and it's time to swim.
Taylor: Mother Aya
just bombarded me
with the most dark
and tremendous experiences
and past traumas
that I had suppressed.
I felt what I saw and that...
It was terrifying.
O0 C1
♪♪
Teri: I'm gonna have you
come with me.
We're gonna take your cup.
- Okay.
- And if you could,
would you take your teddy
bear with you? Yeah.
Steve: Tonight, what we're
gonna do with Taylor
is go to what caused
this addiction
in a way that she's not
gonna see it coming,
and Teri is phenomenal at this.
I also feel Taylor will open up
much deeper
with feminine energy.
With Teri, it's gonna be
an honest communication
because Teri, like Mother Aya,
ain't gonna let you
believe your own bullshit.
Steve: Please tell me
what you can tell me
about this teddy bear.
How long you've had it?
- 20 years.
- 20 years.
My mom gave him to me
when I was 3.
His name is Snuggles.
- Snuggles.
I feel like he's been
through more than I have.
I knew soon as I seen you
pull this Snuggles
out of your bag that this was
gonna be an integral part...
Yeah, man.
...of your story
and your healing.
See, up until this point,
Snuggles has been a symbol
of security for you,
and I'd like
to help transform Snuggles
into a symbol of freedom.
You see, when I was in prison,
there was no more
of a secure place,
but I wasn't free,
and I wasn't happy.
So security is not always
the best thing to seek.
Freedom is the real choice.
With that, I'm gonna
leave you all to chat
in front of Snuggles there.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
You know, the first thing
that popped into my mind
when I saw you unpack your bear
was that you had a very broken
and scared little girl
that you were protecting.
And while you can't go back
and change the things
that happened,
you can accept them
for what they are,
and you can heal
that little girl that way.
That's why I'm here.
My father was
a horrible alcoholic,
horrible alcoholic up
until the time
I was 8, 10 years old.
And, you know,
in my child's mind eye,
if I loved him a little more,
if I did this, if I did that,
you know, I could fix that.
And that followed me.
I found myself being drawn
to people
who were **** up
in that same way.
Like, "Well, if I fix them,
it will fix it."
Exactly.
And then I came
to the realization
there is no fixing it.
There is accepting it.
There is forgiving it,
and there is forgiving yourself
because there was nothing
you could do about it.
You're okay.
You're okay.
Yeah.
Addiction comes
from trying to mask,
trying to cover...
Bucket please.
Thank you.
Feeling a little nauseous?
Yeah.
I'm definitely gonna puke.
- That's okay.
- Just a matter of when.
Well, I am going
to get you a tissue
just in case before you do that.
I'll have somebody grab me one.
Teri: When Taylor threw up,
to me, it was a good thing,
and for her, you know,
she purged a couple of times.
Beautiful.
You know, if we're
touching nerves,
we're getting things up.
We're getting them out,
and that's what you
really want for them.
♪♪
Thank you.
You're welcome, baby.
♪♪
♪♪
Taylor: When I first entered
into, I guess,
what I would call my trip
or my journey,
I started to see
just a little glimpse
of what I assumed
was my past lives,
or maybe like some kind of
ancestral, like, just peeks.
I saw my own ankles in chains.
I saw myself standing,
and, like, I felt what I saw,
and that...
It was terrifying,
but I needed to feel this.
I needed to see this.
And then Mother Aya
just bombarded me
with the most dark
and tremendous experiences
and past traumas
that I had suppressed.
I did have some embedded
memories
that I had not been old enough
to even be able to form
in my head.
Throughout my whole life,
I've had issues with my parents,
so I assumed I had
suppressed a memory about them
and that they had done this
to me, and it wasn't them.
So she gave me the memory.
And just to have that answer
as to where all this hate
was coming from
and where all this anger,
and, I just...
I know where
it's coming from now,
and maybe I can heal it
and work from there,
but it just...
It was so surreal.
It was just so crazy.
Jose: I can't...
I don't have the words
to explain what happened.
Whew.
Powerful shit.
O0 C1
♪♪
♪♪
Steve: Jose, would you like to
come with us for a minute?
Jose is like a stallion
that I think you're going
to have to hold back.
The first night,
he was confident.
He was ready to charge,
and at times,
he was gonna be the teacher.
And I will let you be the
teacher because you know what?
I know I'm not the teacher.
I know they are, and that's what
I have to allow him
to find out on his own.
Steve:
Jose, I would like you
to get connected
with your breathing.
Like, some of that breath work
I was watching you do
in the ceremony room
there for a while.
Jose: Yeah.
[ Breathing rapidly ]
[ Inhales sharply ]
[ Exhales deeply ]
How does that feel on ayahuasca
to do that type of breath work?
It's beautiful.
It's like, "Whew."
Kind of to go through
your childhood with me
a little bit.
Were you closer
to your mother or your father?
I was closer to my mom.
- Okay.
- My mom was my teacher.
She was my father at times
when she had to be tough.
I am who I am because of her.
Just, you know...
Well, that's a beautiful
thing to say.
And I really admire her.
Could you tell me a little
bit about your father?
My dad was, I guess...
I remember a lot of pain
from him, you know.
He was...
He was a, you know...
I'm gonna say it.
He was an abusive man, you know.
Okay.
He was a very, very abusive man,
and he wasn't very loving,
you know.
It came from selfish reasons,
from how I feel.
Of course it's my opinion,
you know.
Right.
Sure, obviously.
Have you forgiven him?
That's the thing.
I mean, what is forgiveness?
- For me?
- Yes.
Forgiveness is not
allowing your past
to affect your present
or your future.
Okay, so...
And to do that, that's part
of letting go and forgiving.
It doesn't mean I have to
have dinner with him.
Yeah.
Doesn't mean I have to call him
on Christmas.
It doesn't mean I have to
interact with him at all,
but I'm gonna let it go
so I'm not quantum entangled
with that energy.
Now, I want you
to take that energy
and release it
into the universe.
So we're gonna scream,
and our sound is gonna shoot
right up to the sky,
and it's gonna create waves
like the ripples.
Okay.
And those waves
are gonna cleanse.
It's gonna share
what we're feeling.
- Okay.
- So it surrounds all the world.
- Oh, that's beautiful.
- All right.
I can't wait to see that.
Yeah.
Go right ahead.
[ Screaming ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Both screaming ]
[ Screaming continues ]
♪♪
Jose: I can't...
I don't have the words
to explain what happened.
I closed my eyes and I saw a lot
of patterns,
still
a lot of beautiful patterns,
a lot of Aztec
and indigenous symbols,
and then I started getting,
like, so much energy.
I was more self-aware
of my surroundings.
At first, I thought
I was going crazy.
I'm like, "I'm going crazy
right now," like...
What are you doing, man?
Man.
I'm so sorry.
I don't mean to do this.
Really, really, I'm sorry.
After that, I just decided to,
like, let everything be.
When I did that, I felt like
something inside my chest,
like, uplifted.
It uplifted, and it just came
down again, but it wasn't...
It was something different
inside of me.
I mean, I don't know
how to explain it,
but I just felt something
right here.
They call it chakra, but I'm not
sure what it is, you know.
It just felt
like there's a point
in the middle of your throat
that felt,
like, empty, you know,
because there was
so much emotion,
so much feelings stuck here,
you know,
but once you scream out
to the sky,
I mean, everything was calm,
you know.
I didn't feel anything.
I felt free, you know,
and that was
a beautiful experience.
O0 C1
♪♪
♪♪
The repressed memories I did
have surface were intense,
and it was therapeutic,
very therapeutic
to just finally have answers.
Oh, it just...
It all makes sense,
and I can finally go home
and take back the years of love
that were taken from me
and share that with my mom,
and it's gonna be beautiful.
I can't wait.
Jose: I'm feeling very good,
relieved, happy.
I'm very happy.
It was just amazing.
It was amazing.
I want to talk to my mom,
my sisters, and the first thing
I want to tell everybody
is that I love them.
Steve: You had some powerful
things going on.
You know, I'm still trying
to understand it.
I'm sure.
But when I asked
so many questions,
or like I wouldn't,
like, stop talking,
she would cover my mouth.
She was like,
"Shh, shh, shh."
- Just be.
- Just be.
Steve: Today, Jose is on top
of the world.
Although he is still just a hair
rattled, as he should be,
he had a deeper experience
than he thought he would,
and it took a different
turn for him
because he just knew he had
the toolbox to control anything,
and that's when everything
got flipped on him.
When he went to rise up with
his little silly shit sometimes,
she just put fingers
over his mouth like,
"Hush, child. You're here
to learn, not to speak,
and I'm here to teach,
not to validate."
Whew.
Powerful shit.
Today is the first day
of the rest of your life.
Today, not yesterday, today,
and that's what I want you to
think about on that ride home,
"What am I gonna do today
with the rest of my life?"
Leaving Aya Quest,
I feel happy and empowered,
and...[sniffles]
...it feels amazing to be able
to say that I love myself.
It's hard to put into words
the way that it feels,
but I don't think
that I've ever felt better.
Thanks.
You're welcome, baby.
I'm so proud of you.
- Taylor, thank you so much.
- Thank you.
Taylor: The main reason for
coming here for me
was just to try
and just figure out
where the sex addiction
was coming from.
Like, it just wasn't
making sense.
The girl that starved
for that fulfillment
and that girl that chased down
that instant gratification
didn't know what
she was running from
or what she was trying to fill.
The woman that leaves here does,
and she's going to fix it...
hopefully.
Safe journeys.
♪♪
If anyone out there is curious
or has tried everything else,
it's worth a shot.
It's definitely worth a shot.
For me, it was worth it
and then some.
Summer:
To me, ayahuasca is love.
It's the most intense love
I have ever felt,
and it's also pain
and sadness and suffering,
but those things are there
so that you know
that there is joy
and love and happiness.
Ayahuasca is balance.
Steve: If you think you're just
gonna come, drink ayahuasca,
and you're good
for the rest of your life,
and you ain't got to change
nothing about you,
you're **** up.
Wrong way of looking at it,
and you ain't never
gonna get nowhere
looking for that magic pill.
This shit ain't lightning bolts.
There are the blessed
few that get that,
but not the many.
The many are like me.
They have to work
their way through it.
We're all in this together.
It takes my part and their part.
I can't quit.
I won't quit.
The only way to stop this
is kill me or cage me,
so catch me if you can.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
So life after Aya Quest
has been great.
I am happy.
I love myself.
I have bad days.
Of course there are always
gonna be bad days,
but overall, my life
has been changed, for sure.
[ Screaming ]
Steve: I've been
a lot of things in my life.
I've been a bank robber
and a prisoner,
but being a shaman
is my calling.
Ayahuasca
is a schedule-I narcotic,
the same as heroin and LSD,
but it's not a drug,
it's medicine,
and in my church,
it's a sacrament.
We can do in two days
what conventional therapy
may take years to do,
but only if you are willing
to step in to the pain.
♪♪
I am living proof that ayahuasca
can help anybody.
Ayahuasca changed my life,
and I don't say that lightly.
20 years ago,
I was a serial bank robber.
I was a stone-cold criminal,
car thief,
and everything in between.
What started my odyssey was
a bank robbery that went wrong
and that I got caught.
That's what landed me in a cell
with a little brown man named
Guadelupe in federal prison.
At that time, I did not know
he was a shaman.
I remember when he told me
about ayahuasca,
I was like, "Aya-what?"
I got out of prison,
and months later,
I get this box with all these
weird markings from customs,
and I open it up,
and it's a 2-liter bottle
marked "dog shampoo"
with a two-word note,
"Be careful."
I told my wife,
"When I shut this door
to my garage,
I'm gonna lock it."
I said, "Don't matter what you
hear, don't you dare open it."
It's me, a candle, a 2-liter
bottle of ayahuasca
that I have no clue
of what's in it,
and I'm an atheist.
And all of a sudden,
that first cup,
I started to feel it course
through my body.
The first time I interacted
with some presences,
I thought I was just tripping,
but this was something
different.
This was a portal.
From that day on,
everything shifted for me.
I said, "I got to learn
how to make this.
I got to learn how to do this."
And that is where
my real transformation
into a shaman began.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
I found a Native American church
who wanted to get
into ayahuasca,
and they ordained me a shaman.
And from there, I set up
a physical location
in a place that was a dry county
where you couldn't
even buy a beer,
and I'm slinging the strongest
psychedelic known to man.
Under Aya Quest
Native Americas Church,
ayahuasca is our sacrament.
No different than wine
is to the Catholic Church.
This is a family operation.
Teri, my wife, Nick, my stepson,
are the backbone
of our organization.
We always have to be mindful
that we are in the Bible Belt.
We're in a conservative,
Christian area.
A lot of people here are not
open to anything they hear
that remotely hears
the word "drugs" attached to.
Nik:
Some people see it as voodoo.
They see it as witchcraft,
and that's simply not true.
We're just people helping people
to help themselves, really.
Steve: People are coming here
to be saved, to be healed,
and we give it to them.
Man: I'm a drug addict,
and I've been shooting heroin
for eight years.
Woman: My depression started
when I was a teenager.
Man #2: The church that I grew
up in was a religious cult.
Woman #2: I was date-raped.
Man #3:
Seasonal bipolar disorder.
Woman #3: Complex post-traumatic
stress disorder.
Man #4: I'm an alcoholic,
for sure.
Woman #4: I have a pretty big
past with opiate addiction,
and I'm ready
to rise above that.
Steve:
You know what that anger is?
That's when you take a shot
of poison
hoping somebody else dies,
and that's what you've been
doing to yourself.
Man #5: I developed a dependency
to opioids,
and I saw what
I was doing to my family.
Ayahuasca
is the ultimate healer.
I have not had a craving since.
And that to me...
And there's the chills.
That, to me, saved my life,
honestly.
Steve: Now, you have some
zealots out there who feel that
for whatever reason, we're
doing something against God.
Rather than having
our ceremony interrupted,
there is times we have
to move the location
of our ceremonies
to clandestine sites.
♪♪
Teri: Since we're not using
our own place,
we've had to get
a different location.
It is out near a large lake
in the woods.
In doing that, we are having to
cleanse and bless the property.
We're going to reset
a ceremony room.
And we're going to do that
so that we have good energy
to have good ceremonies.
[ Tlawil singing
in native language ]
♪♪
Steve: I have apprentices
who help us in our ceremony.
One is Tlawil.
She comes from a long line
of shamans.
Her father is a shaman
from South America,
and she brings unique
traditional perspectives
to the ceremony tonight.
♪♪
♪♪
Taylor: My sex addiction, it
kind of started a while back,
but I didn't realize
it was manifesting
until I would find
myself needing sex.
I would wake up days and just...
I have to go get that release.
I need that.
It's just like a drug.
Like, the more sex you have,
the more sex you need.
The more orgasms you get,
the more orgasms you need.
It's like... It just
wrapped me up so quick.
♪♪
I used Craigslist for a while.
I got on Backpage and looked
for guys on there.
I joined Bluegrass Connections,
which is a sex club in Kentucky,
and that wasn't conducive
to my lifestyle.
It's one thing to have
a sexual appetite.
It's another thing to have
your lifestyle
built around
your sexual appetite,
and that's where I found myself.
I've just really done everything
I could to try
and feed that beast,
and it just got bigger.
I'm really hoping I can get
to the bottom
of the cause
of my sex addiction,
and if it doesn't
work like that,
if it's not just a cut,
dry answer kind of thing,
I would just like
to take the next step
in my spiritual journey
and my healing journey,
so that's why I'm here.
♪♪
Jose: Why am I here?
I'm here because there is
so much emotions,
so much feelings
stuck inside of me.
In my childhood, I was not
able to express love,
or even my teenage years,
I was not able to express love.
I wouldn't even be able to cry,
you know?
Part of that had to do
with a lot of the family issues
that I have with my dad.
Things like that
really affect you.
Just to not be able to, like,
express yourself
whenever you want to,
and now with certain people
in my family,
I can't say I love you.
You know, I can't...
Something else gets stuck here,
and it's very hard for me
sometimes to just,
like, be able to love,
completely love,
to completely empty myself.
Once the ceremony is over,
I'm hoping to get in touch
with my emotions
more instead of ignoring them.
Teri: All right.
So we are going to head
down this way.
So if y'all would like
to follow me.
For this group, we have
Summer and Taylor, who are
both coming from Kentucky,
and we have Jose, who is
coming from North Carolina.
You can tell quite a bit
about a person
when they walk through the door,
body language,
you know,
whether they're talkative,
whether they're with
the group or holding back.
Taylor, one of the first things
that she put on her bed
was a teddy bear.
That signified to me
that she was a very hurt
and scared
and broken little girl.
With Summer, I see someone
who is in their own head
and maybe doesn't know
how to get out.
Summer: Knowing that the
ceremony is about to happen,
I'm very nervous.
I've had trouble
with depression for years.
I'm hoping to leave behind
my self-doubt, insecurities,
fear and anger.
How y'all doing, man?
I'm Steve Hupp.
Nice to meet you.
- Taylor. Nice to meet you.
- Jose.
- Jose.
Nice to meet you.
- You guys are matching.
- Summer. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Summer.
Steve:
I see you've met my team.
You know, the main thing
for you tonight is relax.
Don't resist.
And that means trust
the medicine, trust us
and trust Mother Aya
and trust yourself.
You're gonna do this.
You're gonna fly your own soul,
and that is incredibly powerful
and, at times,
incredibly frightening.
The one thing Teri and I,
or anybody on our side
of the table,
hate to hear in the middle
of an ayahuasca experience is,
"Make it stop," because there is
no making it stop.
Only time makes it stop.
I can take you
to the emergency room.
There is no anti-ayahuasca shot.
The only thing that's
gonna happen
is you're gonna be strapped down
and an empty stomach
is gonna be pumped,
and it's gonna be painful,
and you're still
gonna be tripping.
I'm just saying so when
you're in your journey,
if things are becoming
a little unnerving,
just breathe, focus
on your breath, relax.
Now then, to let you know
there is nothing in this brew,
I drink it every ceremony.
I drink one small cup to let
everybody know
there is nothing in here
that I won't put in my body
on a regular basis,
and I've been doing this
for 16 years.
I'm 52 years old.
So, bottoms up.
Ooh, that was good.
Teri:
So, we're gonna go ahead
and we're gonna start
with our first dose.
Our goal tonight is
to just get you
where you're having
an experience
but nothing
that you can't manage.
You know, if you need more,
don't be afraid to ask.
I am going to give you yours.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Go ahead?
- Shoot it, girl.
Summer: I took the sip,
and it tastes so bad.
It's a lot like really bitter
burnt coffee
with maybe alcohol in it
or something.
I'm not sure.
It's an intense flavor.
Steve: When you're ready to go
to your bed, just say,
"Hey, I got to go."
Taylor: As soon as they were
starting to pour it,
I was like, "I have to go
to the bathroom," like,
"This is too much."
I was shaking.
I think it was just that
I was nervous.
It all just hit me at once,
like, "This shit is happening."
I'm about to face this.
[ Crying ]
Every time I'd open my eyes
was me trying to snap out of it.
Like, "Don't make me feel this
right now,"
and she just kept going.
O0 C1
♪♪
Teri: The journey tonight with
the group is going very well.
They've just kind of slid
right in,
and down there
doing their thing.
♪♪
Steve: Many people has asked me
who is Mother Aya.
Could I draw you
a picture of her?
No.
But I have felt her cradle me
in her lap so many times.
Mother Aya is a divine presence.
She's a spirit.
She is an energy.
And ayahuasca is the chemical
portal to Mother Aya.
Ayahuasca is
a hallucinogenic tea
made with plants
from the Amazon,
and it is the strongest
psychedelic known to man,
but this isn't like LSD.
Ayahuasca is a portal
to your inner self,
your subconscious,
and through that portal,
you are gonna meet
a goddess we call Mother Aya.
When your journey
first takes off,
you may feel euphoria
until boom,
the spike hits,
and the purge begins.
You may laugh.
You may cry, and you may
do both at the same time.
You may puke or shit,
but each of those purges
are a physical manifestation
of an emotional release.
That's when you truly
find healing.
♪♪
Teri: How are we doing
over here, sweetie?
Starting to feel it some?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- I'm feeling a lot.
- All right.
Then I'm gonna leave you alone
and let you feel, sweetie, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Teri: When someone is
on ayahuasca, you know,
you kind of treat them like you
would a 2-year-old, you know.
You watch them,
and that's our job.
That's what we do is we
just focus
on keeping them in a good spot
and making sure that, you know,
physically they are good.
Summer: The sensations that I
felt when it started to work,
I felt lighter,
like almost as if
I was just connected
and a part of everything.
It was the most peace I think
I've ever felt in my life.
I've struggled with suicidal
thoughts since I was a kid.
About two years ago, I went
through a very difficult breakup
that was directly
after a miscarriage,
and that definitely made me
spiral a little bit.
I just kind of lost it.
I was depressed for weeks.
It was hard to get out of bed.
It was hard to talk to people.
Most people don't even know
about it,
most of my family
members or friends.
It's just something that I've
kept to myself for a long time,
and it's a part of my life
that I really need to heal.
♪♪
Taylor:
I grew up in Sonora, California.
I had two sisters
and two brothers.
We were home-schooled.
It was a pretty rough childhood,
but if I focus on the good,
it wasn't that bad.
I was abused by two people
who were supposed
to raise and nurture me,
and instead of doing that,
they destroyed any semblance
of a regular childhood
I had any hope for.
**** I don't want to do this.
[ Crying ]
My childhood and, like,
the way I was raised,
and the interactions
I have with my family
have sculpted me
into what I think
is I'm a very good mom
to my son.
My son is 3 years old.
He's amazing.
He's funny.
He's charismatic.
He's just my world.
For a while, I was really
cautious about disciplining him
because I was scared
I would cross that line,
and it would be too much,
but if anything,
I think that that overawareness
of that
has led to just
the most beautiful relationship.
Like, he respects me,
and I'm his best friend,
and I never thought
that was possible.
♪♪
Teri: She wants you to be
the best you that you can be,
and I know you want to be
the best you
that you can be for your son,
and you will be.
You will be.
Steve: When I met Summer,
the first thing
I kind of felt from her,
she has a very negative
inner dialogue.
There was this kind of
negative cloak
that she had self-constructed
that you could feel that
was inner woven in her aura,
that she approached life as if
everything was gonna go wrong
rather than approaching life
that a lot of it
was gonna go right.
Come in with us real quick.
What she's about to learn
is that's her inner voice.
It's neither negative
or positive.
It is whatever she wants it
to be
if she becomes aware of it
and takes control of it.
Right on out here.
♪♪
Have you ever heard
of forest bathing?
That's what we're doing here.
That's why we have the trees
all around us,
and the energy is coming,
being brought up from the Earth
really loud and proud.
So with that being said,
I'd like to discuss
this negative dialogue
that you have that has
kind of hampered your life.
I just don't have any confidence
in myself.
I find it really hard
to assert myself and...
Okay.
...most thoughts that
I have, I'll say,
"Nobody is gonna
care about that."
Or I'm not gonna do it, or...
Yeah.
Or I can't do it.
...I can't do it.
Okay.
Now, how old are you now?
- 25.
- 25.
You're just starting.
You're just starting.
Go soft on yourself.
You're just now stepping
into adulthood.
And who didn't make
a lot of mistakes
in their teenage years?
When that inner dialogue
that you have right now
and that conditioning
takes over,
and the next thing you know
you catch yourself
talking all that shit
to yourself,
that's when you're gonna pause.
"That's who I was.
That's not who I'm trying to be,
and that's not who I am."
You're only 25 years old.
That's beautiful.
I want you to have
a positive conversation
with yourself.
I want you to tell yourself
everything you love about you.
And I also want you to talk
to yourself
about why you are
worthy of love,
why you are worthy of support,
and why you are worthy
of success in your life.
But I am gonna leave you
alone here in this setting.
I want you to have this
beautiful conversation
with yourself.
♪♪
Summer:
As I was meditating,
I opened my eyes
for a second and I looked down,
and I saw a little beetle
scurry across the ground,
and I thought about earlier
in the day
when I had had
another interview.
One of the sound guys saw a
spider walking across the floor,
and he put a bucket on it,
and I thanked him
for not killing it
because I don't kill bugs.
I don't kill anything.
And in that moment
while I was sitting by myself,
I was like, "I find the life
of a bug so significant
that I'll let it be,
but I can't find myself
significant enough
to let myself be."
And that was my breakthrough.
♪♪
The relationship with my father
was like,
he was very abusive,
especially towards my mom,
and my dad would threaten her
to kill us, to kill her.
O0 C1
♪♪
Tlawil: Three more breaths.
♪♪
Steve: Now, during the day
after the first ceremony,
yoga is a beautiful mechanism
to relax with,
and I think it puts them
in a good place
of being in touch
with their mind
and their body
before going into night two.
Taylor: Last night was
a little difficult.
The sex addiction thing, like,
I really did come here
to find answers for that,
you know.
Like, just where is it
coming from so I can fix it.
Didn't even get touched.
Mother Aya, she made me purge
all my crying,
all my sadness, all the emotions
I hadn't felt or allowed myself
to feel all at once.
Bring up the spine
so the messages
goes fluently to your...
Every time I would open my eyes
was me trying to snap out of it,
like, "Don't make me
feel this right now,"
and she just kept going.
Stuff I had been holding
back for years,
stuff I hadn't even
taken the time
to realize was hurting me
all washed over me at once,
and it was like
I expected to vomit,
and I would have rather shit
my pants
than cried in front of
that many people and cameras,
but it felt so much better.
Tonight's gonna be a bitch.
Jose: When I first took
the first drink,
I felt a little excited.
I started feeling, like,
some sort of relaxation.
You know, my muscles
started feeling more relaxed.
I couldn't stop smiling
at first.
I was like, "Okay, the room
is turning pink.
Okay, I think it's beginning,
you know,"
and everybody came to mind,
you know,
my sisters, my brother, my mom.
I'm originally from Mexico.
I've been living in North
Carolina for about 19 years.
The relationship with my father
was like...
[ Sighs ] It was tough.
He was very abusive
towards my brother,
especially, my mom.
I got to taste a little of that,
and it wasn't very good.
He was very controlling, and my
mom wasn't happy those years.
When she came here
to the United States,
for her to grow the courage
to say,
"No, I don't want this anymore.
I need to leave."
Because any time
she would try that,
my dad would try to, like,
threaten her to kill us,
to kill my grandparents,
to kill her.
He was - He was very
frightening, you know.
We couldn't show when we were
sad, when we were depressed,
when we were going
through something.
Have to be straight,
have to be strong.
I don't feel like I have gotten
that breakthrough
that a lot of people talk about.
Tonight, I'm hoping to get
my socks rocked on pretty much.
You know, I really want to feel
that turbulence, you know.
I really want to feel like I'm
getting out of my comfort zone,
you know, like I don't
want to control anything.
I just want to go
deep into myself
and just have that breakthrough.
Steve: We got to quit
meeting like this.
[ Laughter ]
How is everybody doing today?
- Good. How are you?
- Very good.
The second night, we strive
for a deeper experience
than the first night.
The first night is like
a warm hug.
We want to introduce you
to Mother Aya.
On the second night,
we increase their dosage,
and the brew is stronger,
and the experience
is much more intense.
The second night,
I take them to deep water,
and it's time to swim.
Taylor: Mother Aya
just bombarded me
with the most dark
and tremendous experiences
and past traumas
that I had suppressed.
I felt what I saw and that...
It was terrifying.
O0 C1
♪♪
Teri: I'm gonna have you
come with me.
We're gonna take your cup.
- Okay.
- And if you could,
would you take your teddy
bear with you? Yeah.
Steve: Tonight, what we're
gonna do with Taylor
is go to what caused
this addiction
in a way that she's not
gonna see it coming,
and Teri is phenomenal at this.
I also feel Taylor will open up
much deeper
with feminine energy.
With Teri, it's gonna be
an honest communication
because Teri, like Mother Aya,
ain't gonna let you
believe your own bullshit.
Steve: Please tell me
what you can tell me
about this teddy bear.
How long you've had it?
- 20 years.
- 20 years.
My mom gave him to me
when I was 3.
His name is Snuggles.
- Snuggles.
I feel like he's been
through more than I have.
I knew soon as I seen you
pull this Snuggles
out of your bag that this was
gonna be an integral part...
Yeah, man.
...of your story
and your healing.
See, up until this point,
Snuggles has been a symbol
of security for you,
and I'd like
to help transform Snuggles
into a symbol of freedom.
You see, when I was in prison,
there was no more
of a secure place,
but I wasn't free,
and I wasn't happy.
So security is not always
the best thing to seek.
Freedom is the real choice.
With that, I'm gonna
leave you all to chat
in front of Snuggles there.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
You know, the first thing
that popped into my mind
when I saw you unpack your bear
was that you had a very broken
and scared little girl
that you were protecting.
And while you can't go back
and change the things
that happened,
you can accept them
for what they are,
and you can heal
that little girl that way.
That's why I'm here.
My father was
a horrible alcoholic,
horrible alcoholic up
until the time
I was 8, 10 years old.
And, you know,
in my child's mind eye,
if I loved him a little more,
if I did this, if I did that,
you know, I could fix that.
And that followed me.
I found myself being drawn
to people
who were **** up
in that same way.
Like, "Well, if I fix them,
it will fix it."
Exactly.
And then I came
to the realization
there is no fixing it.
There is accepting it.
There is forgiving it,
and there is forgiving yourself
because there was nothing
you could do about it.
You're okay.
You're okay.
Yeah.
Addiction comes
from trying to mask,
trying to cover...
Bucket please.
Thank you.
Feeling a little nauseous?
Yeah.
I'm definitely gonna puke.
- That's okay.
- Just a matter of when.
Well, I am going
to get you a tissue
just in case before you do that.
I'll have somebody grab me one.
Teri: When Taylor threw up,
to me, it was a good thing,
and for her, you know,
she purged a couple of times.
Beautiful.
You know, if we're
touching nerves,
we're getting things up.
We're getting them out,
and that's what you
really want for them.
♪♪
Thank you.
You're welcome, baby.
♪♪
♪♪
Taylor: When I first entered
into, I guess,
what I would call my trip
or my journey,
I started to see
just a little glimpse
of what I assumed
was my past lives,
or maybe like some kind of
ancestral, like, just peeks.
I saw my own ankles in chains.
I saw myself standing,
and, like, I felt what I saw,
and that...
It was terrifying,
but I needed to feel this.
I needed to see this.
And then Mother Aya
just bombarded me
with the most dark
and tremendous experiences
and past traumas
that I had suppressed.
I did have some embedded
memories
that I had not been old enough
to even be able to form
in my head.
Throughout my whole life,
I've had issues with my parents,
so I assumed I had
suppressed a memory about them
and that they had done this
to me, and it wasn't them.
So she gave me the memory.
And just to have that answer
as to where all this hate
was coming from
and where all this anger,
and, I just...
I know where
it's coming from now,
and maybe I can heal it
and work from there,
but it just...
It was so surreal.
It was just so crazy.
Jose: I can't...
I don't have the words
to explain what happened.
Whew.
Powerful shit.
O0 C1
♪♪
♪♪
Steve: Jose, would you like to
come with us for a minute?
Jose is like a stallion
that I think you're going
to have to hold back.
The first night,
he was confident.
He was ready to charge,
and at times,
he was gonna be the teacher.
And I will let you be the
teacher because you know what?
I know I'm not the teacher.
I know they are, and that's what
I have to allow him
to find out on his own.
Steve:
Jose, I would like you
to get connected
with your breathing.
Like, some of that breath work
I was watching you do
in the ceremony room
there for a while.
Jose: Yeah.
[ Breathing rapidly ]
[ Inhales sharply ]
[ Exhales deeply ]
How does that feel on ayahuasca
to do that type of breath work?
It's beautiful.
It's like, "Whew."
Kind of to go through
your childhood with me
a little bit.
Were you closer
to your mother or your father?
I was closer to my mom.
- Okay.
- My mom was my teacher.
She was my father at times
when she had to be tough.
I am who I am because of her.
Just, you know...
Well, that's a beautiful
thing to say.
And I really admire her.
Could you tell me a little
bit about your father?
My dad was, I guess...
I remember a lot of pain
from him, you know.
He was...
He was a, you know...
I'm gonna say it.
He was an abusive man, you know.
Okay.
He was a very, very abusive man,
and he wasn't very loving,
you know.
It came from selfish reasons,
from how I feel.
Of course it's my opinion,
you know.
Right.
Sure, obviously.
Have you forgiven him?
That's the thing.
I mean, what is forgiveness?
- For me?
- Yes.
Forgiveness is not
allowing your past
to affect your present
or your future.
Okay, so...
And to do that, that's part
of letting go and forgiving.
It doesn't mean I have to
have dinner with him.
Yeah.
Doesn't mean I have to call him
on Christmas.
It doesn't mean I have to
interact with him at all,
but I'm gonna let it go
so I'm not quantum entangled
with that energy.
Now, I want you
to take that energy
and release it
into the universe.
So we're gonna scream,
and our sound is gonna shoot
right up to the sky,
and it's gonna create waves
like the ripples.
Okay.
And those waves
are gonna cleanse.
It's gonna share
what we're feeling.
- Okay.
- So it surrounds all the world.
- Oh, that's beautiful.
- All right.
I can't wait to see that.
Yeah.
Go right ahead.
[ Screaming ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Both screaming ]
[ Screaming continues ]
♪♪
Jose: I can't...
I don't have the words
to explain what happened.
I closed my eyes and I saw a lot
of patterns,
still
a lot of beautiful patterns,
a lot of Aztec
and indigenous symbols,
and then I started getting,
like, so much energy.
I was more self-aware
of my surroundings.
At first, I thought
I was going crazy.
I'm like, "I'm going crazy
right now," like...
What are you doing, man?
Man.
I'm so sorry.
I don't mean to do this.
Really, really, I'm sorry.
After that, I just decided to,
like, let everything be.
When I did that, I felt like
something inside my chest,
like, uplifted.
It uplifted, and it just came
down again, but it wasn't...
It was something different
inside of me.
I mean, I don't know
how to explain it,
but I just felt something
right here.
They call it chakra, but I'm not
sure what it is, you know.
It just felt
like there's a point
in the middle of your throat
that felt,
like, empty, you know,
because there was
so much emotion,
so much feelings stuck here,
you know,
but once you scream out
to the sky,
I mean, everything was calm,
you know.
I didn't feel anything.
I felt free, you know,
and that was
a beautiful experience.
O0 C1
♪♪
♪♪
The repressed memories I did
have surface were intense,
and it was therapeutic,
very therapeutic
to just finally have answers.
Oh, it just...
It all makes sense,
and I can finally go home
and take back the years of love
that were taken from me
and share that with my mom,
and it's gonna be beautiful.
I can't wait.
Jose: I'm feeling very good,
relieved, happy.
I'm very happy.
It was just amazing.
It was amazing.
I want to talk to my mom,
my sisters, and the first thing
I want to tell everybody
is that I love them.
Steve: You had some powerful
things going on.
You know, I'm still trying
to understand it.
I'm sure.
But when I asked
so many questions,
or like I wouldn't,
like, stop talking,
she would cover my mouth.
She was like,
"Shh, shh, shh."
- Just be.
- Just be.
Steve: Today, Jose is on top
of the world.
Although he is still just a hair
rattled, as he should be,
he had a deeper experience
than he thought he would,
and it took a different
turn for him
because he just knew he had
the toolbox to control anything,
and that's when everything
got flipped on him.
When he went to rise up with
his little silly shit sometimes,
she just put fingers
over his mouth like,
"Hush, child. You're here
to learn, not to speak,
and I'm here to teach,
not to validate."
Whew.
Powerful shit.
Today is the first day
of the rest of your life.
Today, not yesterday, today,
and that's what I want you to
think about on that ride home,
"What am I gonna do today
with the rest of my life?"
Leaving Aya Quest,
I feel happy and empowered,
and...[sniffles]
...it feels amazing to be able
to say that I love myself.
It's hard to put into words
the way that it feels,
but I don't think
that I've ever felt better.
Thanks.
You're welcome, baby.
I'm so proud of you.
- Taylor, thank you so much.
- Thank you.
Taylor: The main reason for
coming here for me
was just to try
and just figure out
where the sex addiction
was coming from.
Like, it just wasn't
making sense.
The girl that starved
for that fulfillment
and that girl that chased down
that instant gratification
didn't know what
she was running from
or what she was trying to fill.
The woman that leaves here does,
and she's going to fix it...
hopefully.
Safe journeys.
♪♪
If anyone out there is curious
or has tried everything else,
it's worth a shot.
It's definitely worth a shot.
For me, it was worth it
and then some.
Summer:
To me, ayahuasca is love.
It's the most intense love
I have ever felt,
and it's also pain
and sadness and suffering,
but those things are there
so that you know
that there is joy
and love and happiness.
Ayahuasca is balance.
Steve: If you think you're just
gonna come, drink ayahuasca,
and you're good
for the rest of your life,
and you ain't got to change
nothing about you,
you're **** up.
Wrong way of looking at it,
and you ain't never
gonna get nowhere
looking for that magic pill.
This shit ain't lightning bolts.
There are the blessed
few that get that,
but not the many.
The many are like me.
They have to work
their way through it.
We're all in this together.
It takes my part and their part.
I can't quit.
I won't quit.
The only way to stop this
is kill me or cage me,
so catch me if you can.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
So life after Aya Quest
has been great.
I am happy.
I love myself.
I have bad days.
Of course there are always
gonna be bad days,
but overall, my life
has been changed, for sure.