Keeping Up Appearances (1990–1995): Season 2, Episode 2 - Driving Mrs Fortescue - full transcript
After Hyacinth subjected Elizabeth to her strict standards of appropriate garment length and instructing Richard how to smile, the spouses pick up hard-of-hearing old Mrs. Fortescue to go for a drive. Hyacinth would have ignored her sisters hitching a lift, but the old lady, who declined a seat in the front, insists they squeeze the common pair in at the back seat with her. They stop for Daisy at a pub where Hyacinth is horrified to discovers Onslow is playing darts. She goes to perilous lengths to avoid being seen even peeping in, but Mrs. Fortescue proves rather more sociable...
( theme music playing )
begins playing )
LISTEN TO THAT!
- DOESN'T HE PLAY BEAUTIFULLY?
- YES, HE DOES.
BRAHMS I THINK.
MENDELSOHN,
SURELY.
( laughs )
JUST TESTING.
KNOW ALL.
OH.
DO YOU THINK
IT'S WISE
TO APPEAR OUTSIDE
SCANTILY DRESSED, ELIZABETH?
SCANTILY DRESSED?
THIS ROBE'S
LIKE AN ARMY OVERCOAT.
IT'S JUST THAT WITH
SO MANY DEGENERATES ABOUT--
ONE ON MY OWN DOORSTEP.
OH, YES,
I SUPPOSE YOU'D BE ALL RIGHT.
EMMET PLAYS
BEAUTIFULLY.
YES HE DOES,
DOESN'T HE?
I DO LOVE MENDELSOHN.
IT'S CHOPIN,
I THINK.
OH, YES,
OF COURSE, CHOPIN.
( laughs )
SOME FOOL WALKING PAST
SAID IT WAS MENDELSOHN.
YOU SEE,
NOT ONLY DEGENERATES,
BUT MUSICAL IGNORAMUSES
AS WELL.
"IGNORAMI,"
I MEAN.
ONSLOW?
WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU
GROW A MUSTACHE?
YOU WANT
A MUSTACHE?
WHY DON'T YOU
GROW A MUSTACHE?
I'D JUST LIKE
SOME LITTLE SIGN
YOU WERE TRYING
TO EXERT SOME ATTRACTION
OVER ME, ONSLOW.
A WOMAN LIKES
TO BE WOOED.
SHE SHOULD LIVE
IN AN ATMOSPHERE
THAT CRACKLES
WITH SEXUAL TENSION.
- ( phone rings )
- OH.
THE "BOUQUET"
RESIDENCE,
THE LADY OF THE HOUSE
SPEAKING.
OH, MRS. FORTESCUE.
- IT'S MRS. FORTESCUE.
- WHO?
THE OLD LADY WHOSE SISTER
MARRIED A BARONET.
SHE'S VIRTUALLY
ARISTOCRACY.
SHE ONCE INJURED YOU
WITH HER WALKING STICK
IN CHURCH.
OH, THAT MRS. FORTESCUE.
OH, YES OF COURSE,
MRS. FORTESCUE.
- AS IT HAPPENS WE ARE
GOING INTO TOWN.
- WE ARE?
WE'D BE DELIGHTED
TO GIVE YOU A LIFT.
HYACINTH, I--
I EXPECT HER
CHAUFFEUR'S INDISPOSED.
NOW WEAR YOUR
BETTER SUIT, RICHARD.
NO, THERE WON'T BE
ANY PROBLEM, I DO ASSURE YOU.
I'M NOT SO CERTAIN
IF SHE'S GOING TO BE WAVING
THAT WALKING STICK AROUND.
YES, YOU HAVE
MET MY HUSBAND.
I BELIEVE YOU CAUGHT HIM
ONCE IN CHURCH.
OH!
I THINK OUR ROSE
IS HOME.
( pounding on stairs )
IT MUST BE
TIME TO GET UP.
HOW CAN YOU LIE THERE
WHEN I'VE BEEN BETRAYED
AND ABANDONED?
HAVE YOU NO SYMPATHY
FOR A PERSON'S NEEDS
AT A TIME OF ACUTE
PERSONAL TRAUMA?
OH, I MUST
HAVE A FAG.
OH, GIVE US
A FAG, ONSLOW!
I'VE BEEN BETRAYED
AND ABANDONED!
( sobs )
( screams )
GIVE HER A CIGARETTE!
NOW SHOW ME HOW YOU INTEND
TO GREET MRS. FORTESCUE,
WHO HAS CHOSEN US,
REMEMBER,
ABOVE ALL HER ACQUAINTANCES
BLESSED WITH THEIR OWN
TRANSPORT.
NOW SHOW ME.
EH, GOOD MORNING,
MRS. FORTESCUE.
NO, NO,
RICHARD,
IT'S TOO TENTATIVE, DEAR.
YOU MUST MAKE HER
REALIZE AT ONCE
THAT YOU'RE A POWER
IN LOCAL AUTHORITY CIRCLES.
NOW TRY IT AGAIN, DEAR.
COULDN'T I JUST SAY,
"GOOD MORNING, MRS. FORTESCUE,"
AND WEAR
A LARGE LABEL SAYING,
"POWERFUL IN LOCAL
AUTHORITY CIRCLES"?
I DON'T THINK
THAT'S VERY AMUSING, DEAR.
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO SPOIL THINGS
WITH LOWER-MIDDLE-CLASS HUMOR.
NOW CONVERSATION.
WHAT DO YOU USUALLY
TALK ABOUT IN THE CAR?
I THINK YOU'LL FIND
THAT USUALLY YOU TALK
AND I LISTEN.
THEN LET'S NOT TAMPER
WITH A WINNING SYSTEM.
WHAT ON EARTH
IS HYACINTH DOING?
YOU COULD POP OUTSIDE
AND FIND OUT.
I DARE'NT GO OUT THERE.
THE MINUTE SHE SETS EYES ON ME
SHE BEGINS TO SING.
I THINK SHE'S AFTER A PART
IN YOUR AMATEUR OPERATIC GROUP.
APART,
THEPART.
THAT'S TRUE.
WHAT THE DEVIL
IS SHE DOING?
CLOSE THE DOOR.
NOW COME
TO THE FRONT DOOR.
NO, NO,
NO, DEAR.
SHOULDERS BACK,
HEAD HIGH.
NO, DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR.
THAT'S A BIT
BETTER, YES.
IN CASE
ANYBODY'S WATCHING.
THAT'S WHAT WORRIES ME.
SOMEBODY MIGHT BE WATCHING.
I DON'T MEAN HERE.
I MEAN AT MRS. FORTESCUE'S.
- OH.
- SHE MIGHT BE PEERING
THROUGH HER WINDOW
WAITING FOR US
TO ARRIVE.
SO I'M AT THE DOOR,
NOW WHAT?
RING THE BELL.
OH, GO ON,
RING THE BELL.
( bell rings )
OH, NO, NOT LIKE THAT,
RICHARD.
THAT WAS ALMOST
A TRADESMAN'S RING.
KEEP THE INDEX
FINGER STRAIGHT.
( bell rings )
FOR MY SAKE, RICHARD,
PLEASE PRACTICE YOUR RING.
IT SHOULD BE FIRM
BUT FRIENDLY.
NOW LET'S
MOVE ALONG.
YOU WILL TAKE
MRS. FORTESCUE GENTLY
BY THE ELBOW...
OH.
AND ESCORT HER
TO THE CAR.
TAKING CARE TO AVOID
HER WALKING STICK.
I'M SURE IT WAS
JUST AN ACCIDENT
WITH THE WALKING STICK.
SHE'S LETHAL
WITH THAT...
STICK.
OH.
* LITTLE OLD LADY
PASSING BY... *
I TOLD YOU.
I TOLD YOU.
* BEHOLD... *
( phone rings )
THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE,
THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
OH, IT'S YOU, VIOLET.
IT'S VIOLET.
MAKE MY EXCUSES
TO ELIZABETH AND EMMET.
TELL THEM IT'S
MY WEALTHY SISTER,
THE ONE WHO MARRIED
THE TURF ACCOUNTANT--
LARGE HOUSE, SWIMMING POOL,
ROOM FOR A PONY.
NOW, VIOLET,
I HAVEN'T GOT
LONG TO CHAT, DEAR.
I'M GOING INTO TOWN
WITH THE RELATIVE
OF A BARONET.
SHE DOES RATHER
RELY ON ME, YES.
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOUR HUSBAND, DEAR?
WHIMS AND FANCIES.
( chuckles )
THEY ALL HAVE
THEIR WHIMS AND FANCIES.
IN WHAT WAY
IS BRUCE GOING STRANGE?
( laughs )
I'M SORRY, VIOLET,
BUT I THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT THERE
YOU SAID HE WANTED YOU BOTH
TO DRESS UP AS ROBIN HOOD
AND MAID MARION.
YES.
( chuckles )
OH, HE DOES WANT YOU BOTH
TO DRESS UP LIKE ROBIN HOOD
AND MAID MARION.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVEN'T
HEARD THE WORST PART?
HE WANTS TO BE
MAID MARION.
- Hyacinth: WE TURN LEFT HERE.
- I KNOW WE TURN LEFT HERE.
WELL, ARE YOU
IN THE RIGHT GEAR, DEAR?
WHICH WOULD
YOU PREFER?
WATCH THE CYCLIST.
I'M WATCHING
THE CYCLIST.
SHE SHOULDN'T BE
RIDING A BICYCLE
WEARING SKIRTS
AS SHORT AS THAT.
KEEP YOUR EYES
ON THE ROAD, DEAR.
BUT YOU JUST TOLD ME
TO WATCH THE CYCLIST.
JUST WATCH
THE ROAD, DEAR.
WHAT DID VIOLET HAVE TO SAY
THAT'S PUT YOU IN SUCH A MOOD?
- WHAT?
- YOUR SISTER ON THE PHONE?
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
( sighs )
IT'S BRUCE.
HE'S GOING OFF AGAIN.
OH, WHERE TO THIS TIME,
TENERIFE?
SHERWOOD FOREST
BY THE SOUND OF IT.
WATCH THE ROAD, DEAR.
WHY SHERWOOD FOREST?
HE WANTS HER
TO PLAY ROBIN HOOD.
HE'S STILL TAKING
THE TABLETS, IS HE?
I THINK SO.
PROPERTY.
HER LATE HUSBAND
WAS EXTREMELY FORTUNATE
IN BUSINESS.
DON'T FORGET
TO COMPLIMENT HER
ON HER SHRUBBERY.
I'LL BE AS NICE
AS YOU LIKE,
AS LONG AS SHE DOESN'T
ATTACK ME WITH THAT STICK.
IT'S UP TO YOU
TO KEEP AN EYE
ON THE WALKING STICK.
- SHE IS AN OLD LADY.
- SHE'S A DAMNED
AGILE OLD LADY.
PERHAPS I SHOULD
STAY IN THE CAR.
NO, NO, PERHAPS I SHOULD
MEET HER AT THE DOOR.
THEN AGAIN I DON'T
WANT TO LOOK TOO EAGER.
STAY IN THE CAR.
NO, NO, NO!
I THINK THE BEST THING
IS FOR YOU TO RING THE BELL
AND WHEN SHE
ANSWERS THE DOOR
SHE'LL FIND ME
ADMIRING HER GARDEN.
A SUBTLE COMPLIMENT
WITHOUT GOING TOO FAR.
IS YOUR TIE
ALL RIGHT?
- NOW SHOW ME A SMILE.
- WHAT?
YOUR SMILE.
SHOW ME THE SMILE
WITH WHICH YOU WILL
GREET HER AT THE DOOR.
OH, GOOD GRIEF,
HYACINTH.
NOW DON'T BE
OBSTRUCTIONIST.
SHOW ME YOUR SMILE.
YOU'LL HAVE TO DO
BETTER THAN THAT.
SOMETIMES I CAN
UNDERSTAND THE DESIRE
TO GET AWAY FROM IT ALL
AND PLAY ROBIN HOOD--
I REALLY CAN.
WELL, GO ON.
GO AND RING THE BELL.
I'VE GOT TO FIND
SOME WAY
OF FINDING OUT
IF HE LOVES ME.
HE SAYS HE DOES
BUT YOU KNOW
WHAT LIARS MEN ARE.
DO YOU THINK I SHOULD
WEAR MY HAIR IN A BUN?
IF HE IDOLIZES ME
LIKE HE SAYS,
HOW COME I CAUGHT HIM
WRAPPED SNUGLY
ROUND MRS. BAILEY?
ONSLOW, DO YOU THINK
I SHOULD PUT MY HAIR UP
IN A BUN?
YEAH, GREAT.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT I SAID!
- YEAH, GREAT.
- SEE!
HOW CAN YOU TELL
IF SOMEBODY REALLY LOVES YOU?
LOVES YOU?
I MEAN, WAKES UP
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
IN A PANIC
BECAUSE YOU MIGHT BE DEAD?
HAS VISIONS OF YOU
LYING IN YOUR COFFIN,
IN SOMETHING BLACK
AND ATTRACTIVE?
THEY DON'T EVEN NOTICE
IF YOU PUT YOUR HAIR UP
IN A BUN!
OH, I WANT TO KNOW
IF HE LOVES ME!
DOES HE LOVE YOU SMOKING
OTHER PEOPLE'S CIGARETTES?
BUG OFF, ONSLOW!
OH, NICE.
SMILE, RICHARD.
GOOD MORNING,
MRS. FORTESCUE.
WHAT?
WAS THAT YOU
RINGING THE BELL?
GOOD MORNING,
MRS. FORTESCUE.
YOUR GARDEN'S
LOOKING LOVELY.
IT WAS-- IT WAS HIM
RINGING THE BELL.
HELP MRS. FORTESCUE
TO THE CAR, RICHARD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
KEEP AWAY.
YOU WANTED A LIFT
INTO TOWN, MRS. FORTESCUE.
LIFT?
IN THE CAR.
I DON'T NEED YOU
TO CARRY ME!
GO AWAY.
WOULD YOU HELP ME
WITH MRS. FORTESCUE,
HYACINTH?
I'M COMING.
I'M COMING.
WHAT'S SHE DOING
IN THE BUSHES?
NO, RICHARD.
MRS. FORTESCUE MUST
TAKE MY SEAT.
IN THE FRONT.
THANK YOU, BUT I ALWAYS
PREFER TO BE IN THE BACK
WITH DRIVERS I HAVEN'T
TRAVELED WITH BEFORE.
OUT OF THE WAY.
( Richard screams )
MIND WHAT YOU'RE
DOING, RICHARD.
SHE'S LETHAL
WITH THAT STICK.
TRY TO BE
SOCIABLE, DEAR.
HOW ARE YOU KEEPING,
MRS. FORTESCUE?
BORED SINCE THEY
TOOK AWAY MY LICENSE.
DAMN FOOLS!
I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
IT WASN'T
"DRINK AND DRIVING."
OH, I'M SURE WE WOULDN'T
BE THINKING THAT,
MRS. FORTESCUE.
WHAT WAS IT,
MRS. FORTESCUE?
SPEEDING.
I'M SURPRISED IT WASN'T
GRIEVOUS BODILY HARM.
WATCH THE CAR
AT THE CURB, DEAR.
I'M WATCHING THE CAR
AT THE CURB.
- AND TAKE THE NEXT LEFT.
- TAKING NEXT LEFT.
NO, NOT LEFT!
- GO STRAIGHT ON!
- GO STRAIGHT ON.
I THOUGHT LEFT
MIGHT BE
A MORE ATTRACTIVE ROUTE,
MRS. FORTESCUE.
GO STRAIGHT ON.
GO STRAIGHT ON.
HOW FAST
IS HE GOING?
ONLY 28 MILES AN HOUR,
MRS. FORTESCUE.
GOOD GRIEF!
CAN'T HE PUT
HIS CLOG DOWN?
I'D LOVE YOU TO ATTEND
SUPPERS, MRS. FORTESCUE.
CANDLELIGHT WHAT?
SUPPERS!
HAVE THEY CUT OFF
YOUR ELECTRICITY?
I THINK SUBDUED
LIGHTING
MAKES A STATEMENT,
DON'T YOU?
I LIKE TO SEE
WHAT I'M EATING.
I'M PARTIALLY DEAF,
BUT DAMNED IF I WANT
TO GO BLIND.
WATCH WHERE YOU'RE
DRIVING, DEAR...
AND SLOW DOWN.
ARE WE STOPPING?
DON'T SLOW DOWN,
RICHARD!
I'VE GOT TO.
THERE'S A LEARNER DRIVER
TRYING TO TURN RIGHT.
HI, DICKEY,
HOW'S IT GOING?
- WHO'S THAT?
- WHO WAS WHAT?
THAT MAN YOUR HUSBAND
WAS WAVING AT.
HE WASN'T WAVING,
MRS. FORTESCUE,
HE WAS JUST
SIGNALING A TURN.
MUCH MORE OF THIS
AND I THINK I'LL HAVE A TURN.
- HMM?
- NOTHING, DEAR.
YOUTO KNOW.
HOW VERY PERCEPTIVE OF YOU
TO RECOGNIZE THAT,
MRS. FORTESCUE.
I'M GOING TO TACKLE HIM
FACE TO FACE.
- I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU NEED ME WITH YOU.
- I NEED A WITNESS.
YOU COULD'VE GIVEN ME
TIME TO DO SOMETHING
WITH MY HAIR.
NOBODY'S GOT
THAT MUCH TIME.
I'M GOING TO HAVE
IT OUT WITH HIM,
ONCE AND FOR ALL.
I'M GOING TO FIND OUT
HOW MUCH HE REALLY CARES.
YOU CAN'T EMBARRASS HIM
WHILE HE'S AT WORK,
ASKING HIM
IF HE LOVES YOU.
IT WOULD EMBARRASS HIM MORE
IF I ASKED HIM AT HOME.
HIS WIFE
WOULD BE LISTENING.
IS THAT RICHARD'S CAR?
OH, GOOD.
HE CAN GIVE US A LIFT.
- ISN'T THAT DAISY AND ROSE?
- HMM?
IT IS.
IT'S DAISY AND ROSE.
DON'T STOP.
- IT LOOKS AS THOUGH
THEY WANT A LIFT.
- DON'T STOP.
WE'LL HAVE TO STOP,
THEY'VE SEEN US.
WE CAN'T CRAM THEM IN THE BACK
WITH MRS. FORTESCUE.
OH, WE'LL MANAGE.
OH, WE'LL MANAGE.
ARE THEY
PEOPLE YOU KNOW?
WELL--
YOU WOULDN'T FIND THEM
AT MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.
SHE DRAGGED ME OUT!
SHE WANTS A WITNESS!
I DIDN'T HAVE TIME
TO DO MY HAIR.
SHOVE UP, ROSE.
WOULD YOU
SHOVE UP, PLEASE?
HOW FAR ARE YOU GOING?
THAT'S WHAT I INTEND
TO ASK MR. HARIWELL.
DON'T YOU FIND
LOVE A TORMENT?
WELL...
I CAN'T SAY I HAVE
FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS.
MAYBE I SHOULD'VE
WORN MY HAIR IN A BUN.
TOTALLY--
EVERY WEDNESDAY.
I'M SURE MRS. FORTESCUE
ISN'T INTERESTED IN YOUR
ROMANTIC AFFAIRS, ROSE.
ON THE CONTRARY,
IT'S FASCINATING.
YOU'VE A RIGHT
TO KNOW WHERE YOU STAND.
YOU'VE A RIGHT
TO KNOW IF HE LOVES YOU.
horn honks )
NOW WHAT?
LOOK, THERE'S A PUB
UP AHEAD.
IF I'M GOING TO BE A WITNESS
TO ONE OF OUR ROSE'S
BIG SCENES,
THEN I WANT
A STIFFENER.
- WE CAN'T POSSIBLY FIND TIME--
- OF COURSE WE CAN!
THE GIRLS NEED
A STIFFENER.
AND AFTER HEARING THAT SLICE
OF POOR ROSE'S LIFE,
SO DO I.
YOU'VE HEARD
MRS. FORTESCUE, RICHARD.
SHE NEEDS
A STIFFENER.
OH.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
MRS. FORTESCUE?
ALL RIGHT.
I'M A BIT HUNGRY.
ISN'T THIS
ONSLOW'S BICYCLE?
HMM?
OH, GOODY.
OH, YES.
WHY NOT?
LET IT BE
ONSLOW'S BICYCLE.
RICHARD,
YOU MUST GO AND RESCUE
MRS. FORTESCUE.
ME?
YOU KNOW I NEVER
GO INTO PUBLIC HOUSES.
JUST GO IN THERE
AND HELP THE WOMAN OUT.
SHE'S PRACTICALLY
BEEN KIDNAPPED.
I'LL WAIT IN THE CAR.
I'D LIKE HER TO SEE
THAT THERE IS AT LEAST
ONE MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY
WHO'S ABOVE FREQUENTING
PUBLIC HOUSES.
NOW GO ON.
GO ON!
AH, JUST THE LAD.
FUZZY AGAIN?
I'M NOT STOPPING,
ONSLOW.
I'M SUPPOSED TO RESCUE
MRS. FORTESCUE.
THE OLD BUB WITH THE STICK?
SHE'S FINE.
HE ALWAYS WEARS
BEAUTIFUL TROUSERS.
THE FIRST THING I NOTICED
ABOUT HIM WAS HIS TROUSERS.
TO ANYONE WHO KNOWS
OUR ROSE, THIS WILL
COME AS NO SURPRISE.
SHUT YOUR FACE,
ONSLOW.
THIS IS ONSLOW--
MY HUSBAND, ONSLOW.
THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND?
BIG, ISN'T HE?
AND AWKWARD.
ONSLOW,
MRS. FORTESCUE THINKS
I SHOULD WEAR MY HAIR
IN A BUN.
GREAT.
( horn honks )
YOU SILLY BITCH.
BUTTERFINGERS.
I'VE NEVER KNOWN ANYONE
QUITE SO INSTANTLY
PASSIONATE AS MR. HARIWELL.
MY HUSBAND WAS NEVER
ALL THAT PASSIONATE.
ONSLOW'S A BIT
SLIP SHOD PASSION-WISE.
- I THOUGHT IT WAS
THE REAL THING THIS TIME.
- UNDERSTANDABLY.
AS A TOKEN
OF HIS GENUINE AFFECTION,
HE BOUGHT ME A SET
OF NAUGHTY UNDERWEAR.
OH, REALLY?
I CAN'T THINK
OF THE LAST TIME
ONSLOW BOUGHT
ME ANY UNDERWEAR.
LISTEN, I REALLY MUST BE
GETTING BACK TO HYACINTH.
SHE'S FINE.
I'VE JUST SEEN HER
CHATTING TO SOME BLOKE
WITH AN EMPTY TRAY.
OH, NO,
NOT MRS. BARKERFINCH.
GO ON,
GET OUT!
GET OFF IT!
AT LAST.
WHEW!
CLEAR OFF!
- WHAT'S GOING ON?!
DRIVER!
DRIVER, STOP!
DRIVER,
I WISH TO ALIGHT!
HELP!
STOP!
STOP!
STOP!
- STOP!
STOP, DRIVER!
STOP!
( knocking )
GOOD AFTERNOON.
LOVELY DAY,
ISN'T IT?
OH!
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I BUMPED INTO TWO
LADIES I KNOW.
YOU LOOK AS IF YOU DID.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
IF WE'RE GOING TO INDULGE
IN PERSONAL CRITICISM,
STRAIGHTEN YOUR TIE!
AND WHAT ABOUT POOR
MRS. FORTESCUE--
WHY HAVEN'T YOU
RESCUED HER?
COME AND SEE
FOR YOURSELF.
I GOT A DOUBLE TOP!
- WHAT ARE YOU
DRINKING, HYACINTH?
- A VERY LARGE WHISKEY.
OH, NICE.
Rose:
SHE'S GOING!
YOU HAVE VERY
INTERESTING RELATIVES,
MRS. BUCKET.
IT'S "BOUQUET."
YES, THEY ARE...
VERY INTERESTING.
WASN'T THAT BRUCE?
KEEP YOUR EYES
ON THE ROAD, DEAR.
( theme music playing )
begins playing )
LISTEN TO THAT!
- DOESN'T HE PLAY BEAUTIFULLY?
- YES, HE DOES.
BRAHMS I THINK.
MENDELSOHN,
SURELY.
( laughs )
JUST TESTING.
KNOW ALL.
OH.
DO YOU THINK
IT'S WISE
TO APPEAR OUTSIDE
SCANTILY DRESSED, ELIZABETH?
SCANTILY DRESSED?
THIS ROBE'S
LIKE AN ARMY OVERCOAT.
IT'S JUST THAT WITH
SO MANY DEGENERATES ABOUT--
ONE ON MY OWN DOORSTEP.
OH, YES,
I SUPPOSE YOU'D BE ALL RIGHT.
EMMET PLAYS
BEAUTIFULLY.
YES HE DOES,
DOESN'T HE?
I DO LOVE MENDELSOHN.
IT'S CHOPIN,
I THINK.
OH, YES,
OF COURSE, CHOPIN.
( laughs )
SOME FOOL WALKING PAST
SAID IT WAS MENDELSOHN.
YOU SEE,
NOT ONLY DEGENERATES,
BUT MUSICAL IGNORAMUSES
AS WELL.
"IGNORAMI,"
I MEAN.
ONSLOW?
WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU
GROW A MUSTACHE?
YOU WANT
A MUSTACHE?
WHY DON'T YOU
GROW A MUSTACHE?
I'D JUST LIKE
SOME LITTLE SIGN
YOU WERE TRYING
TO EXERT SOME ATTRACTION
OVER ME, ONSLOW.
A WOMAN LIKES
TO BE WOOED.
SHE SHOULD LIVE
IN AN ATMOSPHERE
THAT CRACKLES
WITH SEXUAL TENSION.
- ( phone rings )
- OH.
THE "BOUQUET"
RESIDENCE,
THE LADY OF THE HOUSE
SPEAKING.
OH, MRS. FORTESCUE.
- IT'S MRS. FORTESCUE.
- WHO?
THE OLD LADY WHOSE SISTER
MARRIED A BARONET.
SHE'S VIRTUALLY
ARISTOCRACY.
SHE ONCE INJURED YOU
WITH HER WALKING STICK
IN CHURCH.
OH, THAT MRS. FORTESCUE.
OH, YES OF COURSE,
MRS. FORTESCUE.
- AS IT HAPPENS WE ARE
GOING INTO TOWN.
- WE ARE?
WE'D BE DELIGHTED
TO GIVE YOU A LIFT.
HYACINTH, I--
I EXPECT HER
CHAUFFEUR'S INDISPOSED.
NOW WEAR YOUR
BETTER SUIT, RICHARD.
NO, THERE WON'T BE
ANY PROBLEM, I DO ASSURE YOU.
I'M NOT SO CERTAIN
IF SHE'S GOING TO BE WAVING
THAT WALKING STICK AROUND.
YES, YOU HAVE
MET MY HUSBAND.
I BELIEVE YOU CAUGHT HIM
ONCE IN CHURCH.
OH!
I THINK OUR ROSE
IS HOME.
( pounding on stairs )
IT MUST BE
TIME TO GET UP.
HOW CAN YOU LIE THERE
WHEN I'VE BEEN BETRAYED
AND ABANDONED?
HAVE YOU NO SYMPATHY
FOR A PERSON'S NEEDS
AT A TIME OF ACUTE
PERSONAL TRAUMA?
OH, I MUST
HAVE A FAG.
OH, GIVE US
A FAG, ONSLOW!
I'VE BEEN BETRAYED
AND ABANDONED!
( sobs )
( screams )
GIVE HER A CIGARETTE!
NOW SHOW ME HOW YOU INTEND
TO GREET MRS. FORTESCUE,
WHO HAS CHOSEN US,
REMEMBER,
ABOVE ALL HER ACQUAINTANCES
BLESSED WITH THEIR OWN
TRANSPORT.
NOW SHOW ME.
EH, GOOD MORNING,
MRS. FORTESCUE.
NO, NO,
RICHARD,
IT'S TOO TENTATIVE, DEAR.
YOU MUST MAKE HER
REALIZE AT ONCE
THAT YOU'RE A POWER
IN LOCAL AUTHORITY CIRCLES.
NOW TRY IT AGAIN, DEAR.
COULDN'T I JUST SAY,
"GOOD MORNING, MRS. FORTESCUE,"
AND WEAR
A LARGE LABEL SAYING,
"POWERFUL IN LOCAL
AUTHORITY CIRCLES"?
I DON'T THINK
THAT'S VERY AMUSING, DEAR.
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO SPOIL THINGS
WITH LOWER-MIDDLE-CLASS HUMOR.
NOW CONVERSATION.
WHAT DO YOU USUALLY
TALK ABOUT IN THE CAR?
I THINK YOU'LL FIND
THAT USUALLY YOU TALK
AND I LISTEN.
THEN LET'S NOT TAMPER
WITH A WINNING SYSTEM.
WHAT ON EARTH
IS HYACINTH DOING?
YOU COULD POP OUTSIDE
AND FIND OUT.
I DARE'NT GO OUT THERE.
THE MINUTE SHE SETS EYES ON ME
SHE BEGINS TO SING.
I THINK SHE'S AFTER A PART
IN YOUR AMATEUR OPERATIC GROUP.
APART,
THEPART.
THAT'S TRUE.
WHAT THE DEVIL
IS SHE DOING?
CLOSE THE DOOR.
NOW COME
TO THE FRONT DOOR.
NO, NO,
NO, DEAR.
SHOULDERS BACK,
HEAD HIGH.
NO, DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR.
THAT'S A BIT
BETTER, YES.
IN CASE
ANYBODY'S WATCHING.
THAT'S WHAT WORRIES ME.
SOMEBODY MIGHT BE WATCHING.
I DON'T MEAN HERE.
I MEAN AT MRS. FORTESCUE'S.
- OH.
- SHE MIGHT BE PEERING
THROUGH HER WINDOW
WAITING FOR US
TO ARRIVE.
SO I'M AT THE DOOR,
NOW WHAT?
RING THE BELL.
OH, GO ON,
RING THE BELL.
( bell rings )
OH, NO, NOT LIKE THAT,
RICHARD.
THAT WAS ALMOST
A TRADESMAN'S RING.
KEEP THE INDEX
FINGER STRAIGHT.
( bell rings )
FOR MY SAKE, RICHARD,
PLEASE PRACTICE YOUR RING.
IT SHOULD BE FIRM
BUT FRIENDLY.
NOW LET'S
MOVE ALONG.
YOU WILL TAKE
MRS. FORTESCUE GENTLY
BY THE ELBOW...
OH.
AND ESCORT HER
TO THE CAR.
TAKING CARE TO AVOID
HER WALKING STICK.
I'M SURE IT WAS
JUST AN ACCIDENT
WITH THE WALKING STICK.
SHE'S LETHAL
WITH THAT...
STICK.
OH.
* LITTLE OLD LADY
PASSING BY... *
I TOLD YOU.
I TOLD YOU.
* BEHOLD... *
( phone rings )
THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE,
THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
OH, IT'S YOU, VIOLET.
IT'S VIOLET.
MAKE MY EXCUSES
TO ELIZABETH AND EMMET.
TELL THEM IT'S
MY WEALTHY SISTER,
THE ONE WHO MARRIED
THE TURF ACCOUNTANT--
LARGE HOUSE, SWIMMING POOL,
ROOM FOR A PONY.
NOW, VIOLET,
I HAVEN'T GOT
LONG TO CHAT, DEAR.
I'M GOING INTO TOWN
WITH THE RELATIVE
OF A BARONET.
SHE DOES RATHER
RELY ON ME, YES.
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOUR HUSBAND, DEAR?
WHIMS AND FANCIES.
( chuckles )
THEY ALL HAVE
THEIR WHIMS AND FANCIES.
IN WHAT WAY
IS BRUCE GOING STRANGE?
( laughs )
I'M SORRY, VIOLET,
BUT I THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT THERE
YOU SAID HE WANTED YOU BOTH
TO DRESS UP AS ROBIN HOOD
AND MAID MARION.
YES.
( chuckles )
OH, HE DOES WANT YOU BOTH
TO DRESS UP LIKE ROBIN HOOD
AND MAID MARION.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVEN'T
HEARD THE WORST PART?
HE WANTS TO BE
MAID MARION.
- Hyacinth: WE TURN LEFT HERE.
- I KNOW WE TURN LEFT HERE.
WELL, ARE YOU
IN THE RIGHT GEAR, DEAR?
WHICH WOULD
YOU PREFER?
WATCH THE CYCLIST.
I'M WATCHING
THE CYCLIST.
SHE SHOULDN'T BE
RIDING A BICYCLE
WEARING SKIRTS
AS SHORT AS THAT.
KEEP YOUR EYES
ON THE ROAD, DEAR.
BUT YOU JUST TOLD ME
TO WATCH THE CYCLIST.
JUST WATCH
THE ROAD, DEAR.
WHAT DID VIOLET HAVE TO SAY
THAT'S PUT YOU IN SUCH A MOOD?
- WHAT?
- YOUR SISTER ON THE PHONE?
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
( sighs )
IT'S BRUCE.
HE'S GOING OFF AGAIN.
OH, WHERE TO THIS TIME,
TENERIFE?
SHERWOOD FOREST
BY THE SOUND OF IT.
WATCH THE ROAD, DEAR.
WHY SHERWOOD FOREST?
HE WANTS HER
TO PLAY ROBIN HOOD.
HE'S STILL TAKING
THE TABLETS, IS HE?
I THINK SO.
PROPERTY.
HER LATE HUSBAND
WAS EXTREMELY FORTUNATE
IN BUSINESS.
DON'T FORGET
TO COMPLIMENT HER
ON HER SHRUBBERY.
I'LL BE AS NICE
AS YOU LIKE,
AS LONG AS SHE DOESN'T
ATTACK ME WITH THAT STICK.
IT'S UP TO YOU
TO KEEP AN EYE
ON THE WALKING STICK.
- SHE IS AN OLD LADY.
- SHE'S A DAMNED
AGILE OLD LADY.
PERHAPS I SHOULD
STAY IN THE CAR.
NO, NO, PERHAPS I SHOULD
MEET HER AT THE DOOR.
THEN AGAIN I DON'T
WANT TO LOOK TOO EAGER.
STAY IN THE CAR.
NO, NO, NO!
I THINK THE BEST THING
IS FOR YOU TO RING THE BELL
AND WHEN SHE
ANSWERS THE DOOR
SHE'LL FIND ME
ADMIRING HER GARDEN.
A SUBTLE COMPLIMENT
WITHOUT GOING TOO FAR.
IS YOUR TIE
ALL RIGHT?
- NOW SHOW ME A SMILE.
- WHAT?
YOUR SMILE.
SHOW ME THE SMILE
WITH WHICH YOU WILL
GREET HER AT THE DOOR.
OH, GOOD GRIEF,
HYACINTH.
NOW DON'T BE
OBSTRUCTIONIST.
SHOW ME YOUR SMILE.
YOU'LL HAVE TO DO
BETTER THAN THAT.
SOMETIMES I CAN
UNDERSTAND THE DESIRE
TO GET AWAY FROM IT ALL
AND PLAY ROBIN HOOD--
I REALLY CAN.
WELL, GO ON.
GO AND RING THE BELL.
I'VE GOT TO FIND
SOME WAY
OF FINDING OUT
IF HE LOVES ME.
HE SAYS HE DOES
BUT YOU KNOW
WHAT LIARS MEN ARE.
DO YOU THINK I SHOULD
WEAR MY HAIR IN A BUN?
IF HE IDOLIZES ME
LIKE HE SAYS,
HOW COME I CAUGHT HIM
WRAPPED SNUGLY
ROUND MRS. BAILEY?
ONSLOW, DO YOU THINK
I SHOULD PUT MY HAIR UP
IN A BUN?
YEAH, GREAT.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT I SAID!
- YEAH, GREAT.
- SEE!
HOW CAN YOU TELL
IF SOMEBODY REALLY LOVES YOU?
LOVES YOU?
I MEAN, WAKES UP
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
IN A PANIC
BECAUSE YOU MIGHT BE DEAD?
HAS VISIONS OF YOU
LYING IN YOUR COFFIN,
IN SOMETHING BLACK
AND ATTRACTIVE?
THEY DON'T EVEN NOTICE
IF YOU PUT YOUR HAIR UP
IN A BUN!
OH, I WANT TO KNOW
IF HE LOVES ME!
DOES HE LOVE YOU SMOKING
OTHER PEOPLE'S CIGARETTES?
BUG OFF, ONSLOW!
OH, NICE.
SMILE, RICHARD.
GOOD MORNING,
MRS. FORTESCUE.
WHAT?
WAS THAT YOU
RINGING THE BELL?
GOOD MORNING,
MRS. FORTESCUE.
YOUR GARDEN'S
LOOKING LOVELY.
IT WAS-- IT WAS HIM
RINGING THE BELL.
HELP MRS. FORTESCUE
TO THE CAR, RICHARD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
KEEP AWAY.
YOU WANTED A LIFT
INTO TOWN, MRS. FORTESCUE.
LIFT?
IN THE CAR.
I DON'T NEED YOU
TO CARRY ME!
GO AWAY.
WOULD YOU HELP ME
WITH MRS. FORTESCUE,
HYACINTH?
I'M COMING.
I'M COMING.
WHAT'S SHE DOING
IN THE BUSHES?
NO, RICHARD.
MRS. FORTESCUE MUST
TAKE MY SEAT.
IN THE FRONT.
THANK YOU, BUT I ALWAYS
PREFER TO BE IN THE BACK
WITH DRIVERS I HAVEN'T
TRAVELED WITH BEFORE.
OUT OF THE WAY.
( Richard screams )
MIND WHAT YOU'RE
DOING, RICHARD.
SHE'S LETHAL
WITH THAT STICK.
TRY TO BE
SOCIABLE, DEAR.
HOW ARE YOU KEEPING,
MRS. FORTESCUE?
BORED SINCE THEY
TOOK AWAY MY LICENSE.
DAMN FOOLS!
I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
IT WASN'T
"DRINK AND DRIVING."
OH, I'M SURE WE WOULDN'T
BE THINKING THAT,
MRS. FORTESCUE.
WHAT WAS IT,
MRS. FORTESCUE?
SPEEDING.
I'M SURPRISED IT WASN'T
GRIEVOUS BODILY HARM.
WATCH THE CAR
AT THE CURB, DEAR.
I'M WATCHING THE CAR
AT THE CURB.
- AND TAKE THE NEXT LEFT.
- TAKING NEXT LEFT.
NO, NOT LEFT!
- GO STRAIGHT ON!
- GO STRAIGHT ON.
I THOUGHT LEFT
MIGHT BE
A MORE ATTRACTIVE ROUTE,
MRS. FORTESCUE.
GO STRAIGHT ON.
GO STRAIGHT ON.
HOW FAST
IS HE GOING?
ONLY 28 MILES AN HOUR,
MRS. FORTESCUE.
GOOD GRIEF!
CAN'T HE PUT
HIS CLOG DOWN?
I'D LOVE YOU TO ATTEND
SUPPERS, MRS. FORTESCUE.
CANDLELIGHT WHAT?
SUPPERS!
HAVE THEY CUT OFF
YOUR ELECTRICITY?
I THINK SUBDUED
LIGHTING
MAKES A STATEMENT,
DON'T YOU?
I LIKE TO SEE
WHAT I'M EATING.
I'M PARTIALLY DEAF,
BUT DAMNED IF I WANT
TO GO BLIND.
WATCH WHERE YOU'RE
DRIVING, DEAR...
AND SLOW DOWN.
ARE WE STOPPING?
DON'T SLOW DOWN,
RICHARD!
I'VE GOT TO.
THERE'S A LEARNER DRIVER
TRYING TO TURN RIGHT.
HI, DICKEY,
HOW'S IT GOING?
- WHO'S THAT?
- WHO WAS WHAT?
THAT MAN YOUR HUSBAND
WAS WAVING AT.
HE WASN'T WAVING,
MRS. FORTESCUE,
HE WAS JUST
SIGNALING A TURN.
MUCH MORE OF THIS
AND I THINK I'LL HAVE A TURN.
- HMM?
- NOTHING, DEAR.
YOUTO KNOW.
HOW VERY PERCEPTIVE OF YOU
TO RECOGNIZE THAT,
MRS. FORTESCUE.
I'M GOING TO TACKLE HIM
FACE TO FACE.
- I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU NEED ME WITH YOU.
- I NEED A WITNESS.
YOU COULD'VE GIVEN ME
TIME TO DO SOMETHING
WITH MY HAIR.
NOBODY'S GOT
THAT MUCH TIME.
I'M GOING TO HAVE
IT OUT WITH HIM,
ONCE AND FOR ALL.
I'M GOING TO FIND OUT
HOW MUCH HE REALLY CARES.
YOU CAN'T EMBARRASS HIM
WHILE HE'S AT WORK,
ASKING HIM
IF HE LOVES YOU.
IT WOULD EMBARRASS HIM MORE
IF I ASKED HIM AT HOME.
HIS WIFE
WOULD BE LISTENING.
IS THAT RICHARD'S CAR?
OH, GOOD.
HE CAN GIVE US A LIFT.
- ISN'T THAT DAISY AND ROSE?
- HMM?
IT IS.
IT'S DAISY AND ROSE.
DON'T STOP.
- IT LOOKS AS THOUGH
THEY WANT A LIFT.
- DON'T STOP.
WE'LL HAVE TO STOP,
THEY'VE SEEN US.
WE CAN'T CRAM THEM IN THE BACK
WITH MRS. FORTESCUE.
OH, WE'LL MANAGE.
OH, WE'LL MANAGE.
ARE THEY
PEOPLE YOU KNOW?
WELL--
YOU WOULDN'T FIND THEM
AT MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.
SHE DRAGGED ME OUT!
SHE WANTS A WITNESS!
I DIDN'T HAVE TIME
TO DO MY HAIR.
SHOVE UP, ROSE.
WOULD YOU
SHOVE UP, PLEASE?
HOW FAR ARE YOU GOING?
THAT'S WHAT I INTEND
TO ASK MR. HARIWELL.
DON'T YOU FIND
LOVE A TORMENT?
WELL...
I CAN'T SAY I HAVE
FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS.
MAYBE I SHOULD'VE
WORN MY HAIR IN A BUN.
TOTALLY--
EVERY WEDNESDAY.
I'M SURE MRS. FORTESCUE
ISN'T INTERESTED IN YOUR
ROMANTIC AFFAIRS, ROSE.
ON THE CONTRARY,
IT'S FASCINATING.
YOU'VE A RIGHT
TO KNOW WHERE YOU STAND.
YOU'VE A RIGHT
TO KNOW IF HE LOVES YOU.
horn honks )
NOW WHAT?
LOOK, THERE'S A PUB
UP AHEAD.
IF I'M GOING TO BE A WITNESS
TO ONE OF OUR ROSE'S
BIG SCENES,
THEN I WANT
A STIFFENER.
- WE CAN'T POSSIBLY FIND TIME--
- OF COURSE WE CAN!
THE GIRLS NEED
A STIFFENER.
AND AFTER HEARING THAT SLICE
OF POOR ROSE'S LIFE,
SO DO I.
YOU'VE HEARD
MRS. FORTESCUE, RICHARD.
SHE NEEDS
A STIFFENER.
OH.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
MRS. FORTESCUE?
ALL RIGHT.
I'M A BIT HUNGRY.
ISN'T THIS
ONSLOW'S BICYCLE?
HMM?
OH, GOODY.
OH, YES.
WHY NOT?
LET IT BE
ONSLOW'S BICYCLE.
RICHARD,
YOU MUST GO AND RESCUE
MRS. FORTESCUE.
ME?
YOU KNOW I NEVER
GO INTO PUBLIC HOUSES.
JUST GO IN THERE
AND HELP THE WOMAN OUT.
SHE'S PRACTICALLY
BEEN KIDNAPPED.
I'LL WAIT IN THE CAR.
I'D LIKE HER TO SEE
THAT THERE IS AT LEAST
ONE MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY
WHO'S ABOVE FREQUENTING
PUBLIC HOUSES.
NOW GO ON.
GO ON!
AH, JUST THE LAD.
FUZZY AGAIN?
I'M NOT STOPPING,
ONSLOW.
I'M SUPPOSED TO RESCUE
MRS. FORTESCUE.
THE OLD BUB WITH THE STICK?
SHE'S FINE.
HE ALWAYS WEARS
BEAUTIFUL TROUSERS.
THE FIRST THING I NOTICED
ABOUT HIM WAS HIS TROUSERS.
TO ANYONE WHO KNOWS
OUR ROSE, THIS WILL
COME AS NO SURPRISE.
SHUT YOUR FACE,
ONSLOW.
THIS IS ONSLOW--
MY HUSBAND, ONSLOW.
THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND?
BIG, ISN'T HE?
AND AWKWARD.
ONSLOW,
MRS. FORTESCUE THINKS
I SHOULD WEAR MY HAIR
IN A BUN.
GREAT.
( horn honks )
YOU SILLY BITCH.
BUTTERFINGERS.
I'VE NEVER KNOWN ANYONE
QUITE SO INSTANTLY
PASSIONATE AS MR. HARIWELL.
MY HUSBAND WAS NEVER
ALL THAT PASSIONATE.
ONSLOW'S A BIT
SLIP SHOD PASSION-WISE.
- I THOUGHT IT WAS
THE REAL THING THIS TIME.
- UNDERSTANDABLY.
AS A TOKEN
OF HIS GENUINE AFFECTION,
HE BOUGHT ME A SET
OF NAUGHTY UNDERWEAR.
OH, REALLY?
I CAN'T THINK
OF THE LAST TIME
ONSLOW BOUGHT
ME ANY UNDERWEAR.
LISTEN, I REALLY MUST BE
GETTING BACK TO HYACINTH.
SHE'S FINE.
I'VE JUST SEEN HER
CHATTING TO SOME BLOKE
WITH AN EMPTY TRAY.
OH, NO,
NOT MRS. BARKERFINCH.
GO ON,
GET OUT!
GET OFF IT!
AT LAST.
WHEW!
CLEAR OFF!
- WHAT'S GOING ON?!
DRIVER!
DRIVER, STOP!
DRIVER,
I WISH TO ALIGHT!
HELP!
STOP!
STOP!
STOP!
- STOP!
STOP, DRIVER!
STOP!
( knocking )
GOOD AFTERNOON.
LOVELY DAY,
ISN'T IT?
OH!
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I BUMPED INTO TWO
LADIES I KNOW.
YOU LOOK AS IF YOU DID.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
IF WE'RE GOING TO INDULGE
IN PERSONAL CRITICISM,
STRAIGHTEN YOUR TIE!
AND WHAT ABOUT POOR
MRS. FORTESCUE--
WHY HAVEN'T YOU
RESCUED HER?
COME AND SEE
FOR YOURSELF.
I GOT A DOUBLE TOP!
- WHAT ARE YOU
DRINKING, HYACINTH?
- A VERY LARGE WHISKEY.
OH, NICE.
Rose:
SHE'S GOING!
YOU HAVE VERY
INTERESTING RELATIVES,
MRS. BUCKET.
IT'S "BOUQUET."
YES, THEY ARE...
VERY INTERESTING.
WASN'T THAT BRUCE?
KEEP YOUR EYES
ON THE ROAD, DEAR.
( theme music playing )