Kath & Kim (2002–2007): Season 4, Episode 1 - Holiday - full transcript
SONG: There's always a joker
in the pack
♪ There's always a lonely clown
♪ And there is a jester, just a fool
♪ As foolish as he can be
♪ There's always a joker,
that's the rule
♪ But fate deals a hand and I see
♪ The joker is me
♪ The joker is me
♪ The joker
♪ Is me. ♪
Does anyone mind if I have this ham?
Oh, no, Sharon,
but it's pretty old and slimy.
Oh, I don't mind, Mrs D.
I have got my indoor cricket
semifinal on tonight.
We are gonna win for sure.
I've got a plan.
Guess what! We've got some news.
- (GASPS) You've fallen again!
- Nup. Better than that.
- You've bought a home unit.
- BOTH: Nup.
Mmm! Well, come on, spill your guts!
I'm shivering with antici…
(BLOWS SMOKE) …pation.
Brett is taking me
on a romantic holiday
to the Hyatt Coolum.
Oh, wow!
Oh, wow! Coolum -
that's exy, isn't it?
How can you afford that?
Well, a stretch, but it'll be
worth it. I owe it to Kim.
- Oh, wow, Kim! Coolum!
- Yep.
You are a lucky duck.
It's gonna be so good for
our marriage, isn't it, babe?
KIM: Yep.
We just need some time on our own.
- Yeah.
- We just need a little bit of space.
Get away from everything,
everyone, you know.
Oh, well, you know, Brett,
Kel and I do try and
keep out of your hairs,
but it is a small home,
I grant you that.
It's not always possible.
I didn't…I didn't mean that.
I know what you meant, Brett.
Gee, you know,
Kel and I wouldn't mind
going to a nice Queensland resort,
having some time on our own.
Gee, I don't need
any more time on my own.
(SIGHS)
Penny for your thoughts,
lovely lady.
Oh, I'm just tired
at the moment, Kel.
You know, I seem to have lost
my 'rasa sayang',
as we say in Indonesian class.
- Your what, Kath?
- Oh, you know, my lust for life.
I'm just flat as a tack
at the moment.
Not from this angle.
(LAUGHS) Oh, Kel. Turn around -
I'll wash your hair.
Rightio. Oh!
(SIGHS)
Yeah, I feel a bit blah.
Probably just Melbourne winter.
Well, speaking of
Melbourne winter, Kel,
I've had a thought.
Can I run something
up your flagpole?
Fire away.
MAN: (ON TV) This is Big Brother.
Catherine to the Diary Room.
Don't, Brett.
Kim, I've just been talking
to Kel upstairs
and he reckons he can take
some time off from the shop.
So we were thinking maybe
we'd come up to Coolum too.
Would that be a problem if we came?
I couldn't give a fat rat's.
Ow, Brett! What?
They can look after Epps
while we go to happy hour.
Brett? Have you got an issue
with us coming?
No, Kath. No.
Just, uh, thought it might be
a chance for Kim and I to be alone.
Oh, yeah, but, you know, we can all
be alone together. It'll be great.
Alright, that's settled.
We're coming.
Kel? Get on the net, doll.
We're going.
Kim, we'll have to
hit the shops toot sweet.
Oh, goodie! Shopping!
Fun times ahead!
What?!
So we leave Saturday
on a 4:55 flight,
so we should aim to be
at Tullamarine about, oh, 11:00.
Oh, Kel, so much organising to do!
Gee, I've gotta cancel the papers…
Oh, tell my Indonesian class…
Once we're on that plane,
we can leave it all behind.
Oh, gee, Kel, I can't believe
we're going business class.
Well, I've had a great year.
I mean, what's money for if you can't
turn left and sit up the pointy end?
Oh, actually, just one issue, doll.
There could be a hiccup
with the accommodation.
Has it been confirmed?
I mean, we're paying top dollar.
Yeah, but look, Kel, I've been
looking on TripAdvisor
and one review says
the hotel provides a soap sachet
and a shampoo sachet
but no conditioner sachet.
You know, Kel, I don't wanna be
lugging my 'yuge' bottle of Pantene.
Maybe we should change hotels.
Better leave that with you.
- Gotta go.
- Oh, OK.
(SIGHS) Jeez, so much to do!
Maybe if I measure
the Pantene bottle…
Or I could decant some
into a smaller bottle.
That might work.
Kim! Kim, are you ready to go?
KIM: Arrgh! I need new bathers!
- Those ones make me look fat.
- (TOILET FLUSHES)
Oh, what's up yours? You've been
in a foul mood all morning.
We live on top of your mum and Kel.
Now we have to go on
bloody holidays with them.
Hello, Brett. How are you?
- Good.
- Kim, are you almost ready?
It's alright, Brett. I'll buy Kim
new bathers. Don't worry about it.
- We can afford bathers, Kath.
- No, I insist.
You need your money for essentials
like toot paper, etc, etc.
- Come on, Kim. Let's go!
- (TOILET FLUSHES)
- Oh, guess what, Kim!
- Yeah?
Kel got us business-class tickets.
Oh, Brett's such a tight-arse.
We're only going economy.
It's so exciting. Up the pointy end!
(SOBS)
Oh, hello, Sharon. You're here early.
What's with all the tissues, love?
- Oh, nothing.
- Really?
Look, don't take the bait.
She's just looking for attention.
Kim!
What's happened, love?
Oh, they've accused me of
ball tampering, Mrs D.
I've been dropped from
my indoor cricket team.
Ohh. Well, Sharon, did you, love?
No, Mrs D, I would never cheat.
That umpire's had it in for me
ever since my googly
got caught in her slip.
Oh, Sharon!
- Hi, Sharon.
- Hi, Bretty.
So, you out of your filthy mood?
Yeah, sorry, Kim.
We'll have a great holiday.
Oh, what am I gonna do now?
And all of you are going away.
Oh, poor Sharon!
We've been so selfish,
so wrapped up in ourselves.
Sharon, would you like
to come to Coolum too?
- Yes, please.
- Alright.
Um, well, we'll pay for your ticket.
And I'm sure Kim and Brett won't mind
having you on a roll-away
in their room.
That'd be good, actually.
'Cause if you stand next to me,
I'll look great in bathers.
Oh, I love Burbeary.
I look like Kate Moss in this.
Oh, you've got a bit of Kate Moss
sticking out there, Kim.
Oh, shut up, Mum.
I haven't had a chance to wax.
Oh, poor Brett!
Love it.
This is gonna look great round
the Hyatt Coolum hotel lobby.
Kim, cowboy boots at the beach?
Oh, God, I don't know.
Well, go for a little walk.
Let's have a look.
(SIGHS) Look at your back fat.
You're 'balloowoning'
out on all sides.
You're gonna be airborne in a minute.
Is that a look, Kim?
Yep. It's Jessica Simpson.
Homer Simpson, more like it.
Mum, can you stop
with the snide asides?
Do you have to belittle me
all the time?
Belittle? Belittle?
- I wish you would be little!
- (YELPS) Mum!
Well, Kim, it's embarrassing.
I mean, your weight issues
reflect badly on me as a parent
and on my gene pool.
What are you talking about?
That reminds me.
Make a mental note, Kath -
I've gotta get some pool jeans.
What are they, Mrs D?
Oh, you know, a nice, light slack for
round the hotel lagoon area, Sharon.
Oh. Oh, Mrs D, I'm so excited.
Do you think we'll get to
go swimming with dolphins?
I'm not sure,
this time of year, Sharon,
but I think we get to swim
with a whale.
- Really?
- Mmm.
Oh, hi, Peter. It's Kath.
Yes, look, I'm just ringing
to cancel the papers.
We're going away to Coolum this week.
Yes, and we're going business class,
which is exciting.
Oh, hello, Wendy at Oz Knits.
It's Kath Day-Knight here.
Yes, look, I'm just ringing to say
I can't pick up the cowl neck
because we're going away.
Yes, Qantas. Business class.
Is that Apricot Flowers?
Yes, look, I haven't got
an order in or anything.
I just thought I'd ring to let you
know that we're going away this week
and we're going business class.
Made?
Oh, selamat datang, Made. Kath.
(SPEAKS INDONESIAN)
Business class.
Right to go? Skybus will be waiting.
Oh, yes! Alright.
Oh, come on. Come on, Brett!
Hurry up!
Oh, can you carry that for me,
Brett, please? It's heavy.
(GROANS) Yeah, fine.
Come on, Brett!
Yes, I've gotta…
(GRUNTS) What's she got in there?
- KIM: Looks nice!
- SHARON: It is nice, isn't it?
Mum, I wanna have a manicure.
Can you look after Epponnee
straight away?
Yes, I'll do that. Let me
check in to my villa first, OK?
Oh, hello, Lee.
How are you?
- Good. I'm Kath. Kath Day-Knight.
- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, look at it!
- (CROWS SQUAWK NOISILY)
Oh, Kim, listen to the birdsong.
Oh, it's pretty.
- Kel, we'll check in, doll.
- No worries.
- Brett, get Epponnee!
- BRETT: Yeah.
(SQUAWKS)
Chipolatas…benedict.
They've got benedict, Kim.
Oh, the full buffet's 36.50!
- The continental's only 20.
- Yeah.
It's OK, Brett. Leave it to Kel.
It's OK, Kath.
I can order breakfast.
No, no. We've got it sorted.
Kel will do the talking.
- Sharon, can you hide?
- Oh!
Rooms 49 and 50.
Four continentals.
I'm not having continental!
- Ow! What'd you do that for?
- Shh!
Oh, look at the bain-marie!
Kim!
Just mind the table
while I get my yoghurt and muesli.
Oh! Oh! Grab that chair, Brett.
Grab that chair.
Oh, this is a good table. Oh. (SIGHS)
Oh, actually, Brett,
would you mind if we swapped?
I really want to see the rainforest.
Thanks. Thanks, that's great.
Look, I think I'll go up, Brett.
Would you mind minding my bag?
No? Alright, I'll take it, then.
Bacon!
KIM: Mine!
Go back and hide, Sharon,
or we'll get sprung.
Oh! I'll grab one more of those.
- Go on!
- Oh, I'm going!
So, how did we all sleep
on our first night, people?
Sharon kept me awake
most of the night
getting up and down from the toilet.
Oh, sorry about that, Bretty.
I've got a dicky pelvic floor.
So I've got the program here.
I thought we'd sit by the pool this
morning for, say, 20, 25 minutes.
Then I've booked us in
for a sausage ride and snorkel.
Then to the other side
of the resort for lunch.
Then later on in the afternoon,
we can either go coconut throwing…
Coconut throwing?
Oh, I am so doing that.
I'll show them my flipper.
Or there's a talk by
the marine biologist.
It looks good, Kath -
it's on sea snails.
Um, I thought Kim and I would do
something on our own.
No, I've already paid for it, Brett,
so it's locked in, OK?
KATH: Come on, Brett, it'll be fun!
Kim, pop those in your
Dangerfield bag.
(SIGHS)
Oh, Kel!
Yeah, these are my new
budgie smugglers.
Oh, more like cockatoo smugglers,
doll.
Here, come here - I'll put
some cream on your back.
Oh, Brett! Brett,
there's the waiter.
Can you go and ask him
for some mee-nus?
I wanna see if they do nachos.
Yeah.
Thanks, Brett.
Oh, and also, can you get some more
towels while you're there?
Yep. Happy to.
Oh, it's great! Epponnee can stay
in kids club till 5:30!
Oh, my god.
- What?
- Nothing.
It's my new camouflage tan-kini.
You got the 'tank' bit right!
It's not camouflaging much, Kim.
I think that's the pot calling
the kettle fat, don't you, Sharon?
- Where'd you get those?
- At the gift shop.
- Oh, there's a gift shop?
- Yep.
Oh! Good, we'll go there.
Oh, thanks, Brett.
(SIGHS)
Heaven.
OK, everyone.
Sausage ride in five minutes.
SHARON: Yay!
- OK, everyone, hang on!
- KATH: Ooh!
Hang on, Brett!
You right? Here we go.
Stop! Man overboard!
Swim in, Sharon! We're not stopping.
(ALL SHOUT AND CHEER)
Hurry up, Brett. Mum and Kel
will be there already.
Can't stand it. Breakfast, lunch and
dinner - it's worse than at home.
Yoo-hoo! We're over here.
I got our table.
Oh, Kim and I are just
gonna sit here.
No, Brett, if we sit with Mum and
Kel, they'll pay for breakfast.
I want the full Aussie again.
Brett, Kel and I have been here
for half an hour,
bagsing the table
and saving the chairs.
I just wanna sit here.
Yeah, well, I don't care
where we sit.
I need breakfast. I'm ravishing!
Brett? Brett!
Brett?
Brett, look at me, please.
Look at me.
Look at me.
Now, I've got one word
to say to you, Brett.
Rude 'tude.
What?
The attitude, Brett. Do you think
you could drop it for five minutes?
Do you think you could stop
telling us what to do all the time?
Then we could all relax
and have a holiday.
Listen, mate, you're out of line.
Don't talk to Kath like that.
No, look, it's alright, Kel.
He doesn't mean it.
I do. You're just always there.
- Your voice is driving me crazy.
- Oh!
Leave us alone, will you, Kath?
Kath, it's alright. It's alright.
No, look, actually,
it's not alright, Kel.
You know, Brett, I don't need this.
Thank you. Thank you muchly
for ruining the holiday.
- Kath!
- Back off, Brett!
Kath!
Back off! I mean it.
You're out of control.
Kath!
Hurry up and get breakfast, Brett.
We've gotta get back
to the banana lounges
before somebody moves our stuff.
Psst! Kim!
Kim, can I come out now?
No!
Kath?
(HORN TOOTS)
MAN: Well done! Give her a clap!
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Next!
Me! Me! I'm next.
I asked her to mind the possie.
I had to go to the loo.
OK.
(SCREAMS)
Yes! Howzat?! Howzat?
Those people have moved my stuff.
I bagsed those lounges.
Say something, Brett.
Oh, there's a sign over there
says you can't bags lounges.
Why don't we sit
over there with Sharon?
(MOCKINGLY) "Why don't we
sit over there with Sharon?"
- God, you're a wuss, Brett.
- Don't call me a wuss, Kim.
(SOBS)
Stop crying, Sharon!
- Get a tissue. Yuck!
- Kim!
She's just looking for attention.
Oh… What's up, Sharon?
Oh, Bretty, I've been black-banned
from all non-motorised beach sports.
Why? What happened?
They accused me of
coconut tampering!
Well, did you do it?
No, Kim, I would never do that!
(SIGHS) The activities officer
has just got it in for me. (SOBS)
Kath?
(QUIETLY) Kath?
Kath?
Kath?
Kath!
This is nice, isn't it?
Epps is at kids club,
your mum and Kel are off somewhere.
You…wanna go back to the room?
What for?
I don't know.
A rest.
Are you insane, Brett?
I'm waiting for those people to move
so we can get the good lounges.
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
Kim, have you, um, seen Kath?
Nuh. Haven't seen her all day.
Yeah. Can't find her.
She's been gone since this morning.
I'm scared she might have run away.
She was so upset with Brett.
Oh, she'll turn up.
I'm worried she might have
gone over a cliff,
got lost in a rainforest,
lying somewhere
half pecked to death
by a bush turkey.
They can turn, you know!
Oh, come on, Kel.
I'll help you find her.
Come on. Let's go, mate.
Sharon, can you get me
some more fries, please?
Sharon!
Yes? Wha…
Oh, Kim, am I a bit burnt?
I don't know.
Oh.
Ohhh!
Oh!
(SCREAMS)
Hey! My fries!
Kath!
If you can hear me, I'm sorry!
Oh, Kel, I feel so guilty.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
You've been so kind to us.
Maybe we should call the police.
Come on. Let's alert
the hotel security.
I'll drive, Kel.
Put your foot down, Brett.
(ELECTRIC MOTOR WHINES)
Let me out here. I'll have a quick
look around the resort plaza.
Alright. I'll check on Kim
one more time.
OK.
(ELECTRIC MOTOR WHINES)
Oh, hi, Kel.
What do you think -
'McLeod's Daughters'?
Kath, we thought you were dead!
We've had half of Hyatt Coolum
out looking for you.
Oh, no, I've just popped in here
after brekkie
to do a bit of gift shopping.
- Kath, it's 5:30!
- Oh, really?
Oh, well, you know, I've had
a lot to buy. Look what I've got.
Look what I got for Made
and my Indo mates.
Pet rocks. Aren't they cute?
Look at that.
And look, I was thinking, what about
this for Marion? I love it.
Look, it's a pea-in-a-pod necklace.
And then this one for Barb Cousins -
look, it's a sexy pig on a blanket.
Isn't that cute? And this one - look!
Dinosaur in a tutu.
I thought that'd be great for
Shona Siddharta. She'd love that.
- Yeah, I'm gonna get 'em.
- Yeah, g'day, Brett.
They're not expensive.
I found her, yeah.
She's alright, but my credit card's
taken a bit of a battering, yeah.
- (CHUCKLES)
Oh, and I found your parrot earring.
Oh, that's not mine, Kel. And it's
not a parrot. It's a cassowary.
Yeah, I've never been able
to wear cassowaries.
I've got a square face.
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh. Ohh!
(GROANS)
Ohh! Ooh!
- Oh, that's a good bit!
- Oh, that is.
Oh, who took a big bite out of
the snowball and just left it there?
Oh, sorry, Mrs D, that was me.
- I'm allergic to, um, marshmallow.
- Oh.
Oh, so now you're
snowball tampering.
That is not funny, Kim!
- That's a good bit.
- BRETT: Hello!
Oh, Brett! Here. Here's a prezzie
I got for you in Coolum.
- Forgot to give it to you.
- Thanks, Kath!
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, it's a bit
'whole joke, half earnest'.
But no, seriously, I think we all
learned some important lessons
on the holiday.
Like, for instance, I learned that
I've been a bit cavalier
with your privacy.
You know, that what you and Kim do
is your own business.
Thanks, doll.
Anyway, Brett, tell me - did you
get to have an orgasm at the resort?
Sorry?
Oh, 'cause Kel and I had about eight
on the last night.
At happy hour, didn't we, darl?
Yeah, they were fantastic.
Must have been that fresh
Queensland pineapple.
Oh, yeah!
- I asked the waiter for the recipe.
- KATH: It was so juicy!
We could have a couple tonight,
I reckon.
Mmm.
Mmm, yum.
Kim, did I tell you that
on the plane up here to Coolum,
Kel and I joined
the mile-high club?
Hello? Revolting!
Oh, no, it was great!
Well worth the initial outlay.
Because now I get to have a point
every time I fly - literally.
Yuck!
Oh, we got to use
the business class toot.
You can even have a spread
in the lounge,
if that's your thing.
Oh, you're disgusting!
You had sex on the plane?
What?
We joined the Qantas Club
membership.
Oh!
Actually, I haven't read
if sex is included.
I think that's for your premium club
members, actually -
you know, Ralph Fiennes, etc, etc.
- Mum?
- Yeah?
- I'm thinking I have to go to rehab.
- Rehab?
Yeah, well, you know,
everyone I know is there.
Britney, Lindsay, Robbie, Keith.
No, I've realised now,
I think I'm an addict.
Yeah, well, a food addict,
absolutely.
The number of hash browns
you put away this morning
at breakfast…
- Oh, shocking!
- No, Mum.
This is serious.
Haven't you noticed
how many times I've been going into
the toilet?
Brett says he can smell it on me
all the time.
I'm getting paranoid.
I know people are looking at me,
knowing I'm using.
Using? Using what, Kim?
What, cocaine? Ice?
No! Spray tans.
I can't stop!
I'm spraying myself wherever,
whenever I can.
I need to go to rehab!
Yes, well, I have noticed you're
fluorescent at the moment.
Yeah.
Oh, well, alright, Kim.
I'll talk to Brett.
Maybe we should stage
an exfoliation tonight.
- I think that'd be for the best. Yep.
- Alright.
Right, I've just gotta go.
- Where are you going?
- I've gotta go to the toilet.
No, Kim, don't. Don't. Sit down.
No, no - I really have to
go to the toilet.
That's gone straight through me.
I think it's the coconut.
- Oh, alright. Nature calls!
- (CHUCKLES)
- Actually, nature is calling.
- (BIRDS SQUAWK)
Isn't that a pretty sound?
Sound of Australia. Beautiful.
Captioned by Ai-Media
ai-media. tv
KATH AND KIM:
Oh, it's nice. It's different.
- KATH: Yeah, it's nice.
- KIM: Yeah, it's unusual.
in the pack
♪ There's always a lonely clown
♪ And there is a jester, just a fool
♪ As foolish as he can be
♪ There's always a joker,
that's the rule
♪ But fate deals a hand and I see
♪ The joker is me
♪ The joker is me
♪ The joker
♪ Is me. ♪
Does anyone mind if I have this ham?
Oh, no, Sharon,
but it's pretty old and slimy.
Oh, I don't mind, Mrs D.
I have got my indoor cricket
semifinal on tonight.
We are gonna win for sure.
I've got a plan.
Guess what! We've got some news.
- (GASPS) You've fallen again!
- Nup. Better than that.
- You've bought a home unit.
- BOTH: Nup.
Mmm! Well, come on, spill your guts!
I'm shivering with antici…
(BLOWS SMOKE) …pation.
Brett is taking me
on a romantic holiday
to the Hyatt Coolum.
Oh, wow!
Oh, wow! Coolum -
that's exy, isn't it?
How can you afford that?
Well, a stretch, but it'll be
worth it. I owe it to Kim.
- Oh, wow, Kim! Coolum!
- Yep.
You are a lucky duck.
It's gonna be so good for
our marriage, isn't it, babe?
KIM: Yep.
We just need some time on our own.
- Yeah.
- We just need a little bit of space.
Get away from everything,
everyone, you know.
Oh, well, you know, Brett,
Kel and I do try and
keep out of your hairs,
but it is a small home,
I grant you that.
It's not always possible.
I didn't…I didn't mean that.
I know what you meant, Brett.
Gee, you know,
Kel and I wouldn't mind
going to a nice Queensland resort,
having some time on our own.
Gee, I don't need
any more time on my own.
(SIGHS)
Penny for your thoughts,
lovely lady.
Oh, I'm just tired
at the moment, Kel.
You know, I seem to have lost
my 'rasa sayang',
as we say in Indonesian class.
- Your what, Kath?
- Oh, you know, my lust for life.
I'm just flat as a tack
at the moment.
Not from this angle.
(LAUGHS) Oh, Kel. Turn around -
I'll wash your hair.
Rightio. Oh!
(SIGHS)
Yeah, I feel a bit blah.
Probably just Melbourne winter.
Well, speaking of
Melbourne winter, Kel,
I've had a thought.
Can I run something
up your flagpole?
Fire away.
MAN: (ON TV) This is Big Brother.
Catherine to the Diary Room.
Don't, Brett.
Kim, I've just been talking
to Kel upstairs
and he reckons he can take
some time off from the shop.
So we were thinking maybe
we'd come up to Coolum too.
Would that be a problem if we came?
I couldn't give a fat rat's.
Ow, Brett! What?
They can look after Epps
while we go to happy hour.
Brett? Have you got an issue
with us coming?
No, Kath. No.
Just, uh, thought it might be
a chance for Kim and I to be alone.
Oh, yeah, but, you know, we can all
be alone together. It'll be great.
Alright, that's settled.
We're coming.
Kel? Get on the net, doll.
We're going.
Kim, we'll have to
hit the shops toot sweet.
Oh, goodie! Shopping!
Fun times ahead!
What?!
So we leave Saturday
on a 4:55 flight,
so we should aim to be
at Tullamarine about, oh, 11:00.
Oh, Kel, so much organising to do!
Gee, I've gotta cancel the papers…
Oh, tell my Indonesian class…
Once we're on that plane,
we can leave it all behind.
Oh, gee, Kel, I can't believe
we're going business class.
Well, I've had a great year.
I mean, what's money for if you can't
turn left and sit up the pointy end?
Oh, actually, just one issue, doll.
There could be a hiccup
with the accommodation.
Has it been confirmed?
I mean, we're paying top dollar.
Yeah, but look, Kel, I've been
looking on TripAdvisor
and one review says
the hotel provides a soap sachet
and a shampoo sachet
but no conditioner sachet.
You know, Kel, I don't wanna be
lugging my 'yuge' bottle of Pantene.
Maybe we should change hotels.
Better leave that with you.
- Gotta go.
- Oh, OK.
(SIGHS) Jeez, so much to do!
Maybe if I measure
the Pantene bottle…
Or I could decant some
into a smaller bottle.
That might work.
Kim! Kim, are you ready to go?
KIM: Arrgh! I need new bathers!
- Those ones make me look fat.
- (TOILET FLUSHES)
Oh, what's up yours? You've been
in a foul mood all morning.
We live on top of your mum and Kel.
Now we have to go on
bloody holidays with them.
Hello, Brett. How are you?
- Good.
- Kim, are you almost ready?
It's alright, Brett. I'll buy Kim
new bathers. Don't worry about it.
- We can afford bathers, Kath.
- No, I insist.
You need your money for essentials
like toot paper, etc, etc.
- Come on, Kim. Let's go!
- (TOILET FLUSHES)
- Oh, guess what, Kim!
- Yeah?
Kel got us business-class tickets.
Oh, Brett's such a tight-arse.
We're only going economy.
It's so exciting. Up the pointy end!
(SOBS)
Oh, hello, Sharon. You're here early.
What's with all the tissues, love?
- Oh, nothing.
- Really?
Look, don't take the bait.
She's just looking for attention.
Kim!
What's happened, love?
Oh, they've accused me of
ball tampering, Mrs D.
I've been dropped from
my indoor cricket team.
Ohh. Well, Sharon, did you, love?
No, Mrs D, I would never cheat.
That umpire's had it in for me
ever since my googly
got caught in her slip.
Oh, Sharon!
- Hi, Sharon.
- Hi, Bretty.
So, you out of your filthy mood?
Yeah, sorry, Kim.
We'll have a great holiday.
Oh, what am I gonna do now?
And all of you are going away.
Oh, poor Sharon!
We've been so selfish,
so wrapped up in ourselves.
Sharon, would you like
to come to Coolum too?
- Yes, please.
- Alright.
Um, well, we'll pay for your ticket.
And I'm sure Kim and Brett won't mind
having you on a roll-away
in their room.
That'd be good, actually.
'Cause if you stand next to me,
I'll look great in bathers.
Oh, I love Burbeary.
I look like Kate Moss in this.
Oh, you've got a bit of Kate Moss
sticking out there, Kim.
Oh, shut up, Mum.
I haven't had a chance to wax.
Oh, poor Brett!
Love it.
This is gonna look great round
the Hyatt Coolum hotel lobby.
Kim, cowboy boots at the beach?
Oh, God, I don't know.
Well, go for a little walk.
Let's have a look.
(SIGHS) Look at your back fat.
You're 'balloowoning'
out on all sides.
You're gonna be airborne in a minute.
Is that a look, Kim?
Yep. It's Jessica Simpson.
Homer Simpson, more like it.
Mum, can you stop
with the snide asides?
Do you have to belittle me
all the time?
Belittle? Belittle?
- I wish you would be little!
- (YELPS) Mum!
Well, Kim, it's embarrassing.
I mean, your weight issues
reflect badly on me as a parent
and on my gene pool.
What are you talking about?
That reminds me.
Make a mental note, Kath -
I've gotta get some pool jeans.
What are they, Mrs D?
Oh, you know, a nice, light slack for
round the hotel lagoon area, Sharon.
Oh. Oh, Mrs D, I'm so excited.
Do you think we'll get to
go swimming with dolphins?
I'm not sure,
this time of year, Sharon,
but I think we get to swim
with a whale.
- Really?
- Mmm.
Oh, hi, Peter. It's Kath.
Yes, look, I'm just ringing
to cancel the papers.
We're going away to Coolum this week.
Yes, and we're going business class,
which is exciting.
Oh, hello, Wendy at Oz Knits.
It's Kath Day-Knight here.
Yes, look, I'm just ringing to say
I can't pick up the cowl neck
because we're going away.
Yes, Qantas. Business class.
Is that Apricot Flowers?
Yes, look, I haven't got
an order in or anything.
I just thought I'd ring to let you
know that we're going away this week
and we're going business class.
Made?
Oh, selamat datang, Made. Kath.
(SPEAKS INDONESIAN)
Business class.
Right to go? Skybus will be waiting.
Oh, yes! Alright.
Oh, come on. Come on, Brett!
Hurry up!
Oh, can you carry that for me,
Brett, please? It's heavy.
(GROANS) Yeah, fine.
Come on, Brett!
Yes, I've gotta…
(GRUNTS) What's she got in there?
- KIM: Looks nice!
- SHARON: It is nice, isn't it?
Mum, I wanna have a manicure.
Can you look after Epponnee
straight away?
Yes, I'll do that. Let me
check in to my villa first, OK?
Oh, hello, Lee.
How are you?
- Good. I'm Kath. Kath Day-Knight.
- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, look at it!
- (CROWS SQUAWK NOISILY)
Oh, Kim, listen to the birdsong.
Oh, it's pretty.
- Kel, we'll check in, doll.
- No worries.
- Brett, get Epponnee!
- BRETT: Yeah.
(SQUAWKS)
Chipolatas…benedict.
They've got benedict, Kim.
Oh, the full buffet's 36.50!
- The continental's only 20.
- Yeah.
It's OK, Brett. Leave it to Kel.
It's OK, Kath.
I can order breakfast.
No, no. We've got it sorted.
Kel will do the talking.
- Sharon, can you hide?
- Oh!
Rooms 49 and 50.
Four continentals.
I'm not having continental!
- Ow! What'd you do that for?
- Shh!
Oh, look at the bain-marie!
Kim!
Just mind the table
while I get my yoghurt and muesli.
Oh! Oh! Grab that chair, Brett.
Grab that chair.
Oh, this is a good table. Oh. (SIGHS)
Oh, actually, Brett,
would you mind if we swapped?
I really want to see the rainforest.
Thanks. Thanks, that's great.
Look, I think I'll go up, Brett.
Would you mind minding my bag?
No? Alright, I'll take it, then.
Bacon!
KIM: Mine!
Go back and hide, Sharon,
or we'll get sprung.
Oh! I'll grab one more of those.
- Go on!
- Oh, I'm going!
So, how did we all sleep
on our first night, people?
Sharon kept me awake
most of the night
getting up and down from the toilet.
Oh, sorry about that, Bretty.
I've got a dicky pelvic floor.
So I've got the program here.
I thought we'd sit by the pool this
morning for, say, 20, 25 minutes.
Then I've booked us in
for a sausage ride and snorkel.
Then to the other side
of the resort for lunch.
Then later on in the afternoon,
we can either go coconut throwing…
Coconut throwing?
Oh, I am so doing that.
I'll show them my flipper.
Or there's a talk by
the marine biologist.
It looks good, Kath -
it's on sea snails.
Um, I thought Kim and I would do
something on our own.
No, I've already paid for it, Brett,
so it's locked in, OK?
KATH: Come on, Brett, it'll be fun!
Kim, pop those in your
Dangerfield bag.
(SIGHS)
Oh, Kel!
Yeah, these are my new
budgie smugglers.
Oh, more like cockatoo smugglers,
doll.
Here, come here - I'll put
some cream on your back.
Oh, Brett! Brett,
there's the waiter.
Can you go and ask him
for some mee-nus?
I wanna see if they do nachos.
Yeah.
Thanks, Brett.
Oh, and also, can you get some more
towels while you're there?
Yep. Happy to.
Oh, it's great! Epponnee can stay
in kids club till 5:30!
Oh, my god.
- What?
- Nothing.
It's my new camouflage tan-kini.
You got the 'tank' bit right!
It's not camouflaging much, Kim.
I think that's the pot calling
the kettle fat, don't you, Sharon?
- Where'd you get those?
- At the gift shop.
- Oh, there's a gift shop?
- Yep.
Oh! Good, we'll go there.
Oh, thanks, Brett.
(SIGHS)
Heaven.
OK, everyone.
Sausage ride in five minutes.
SHARON: Yay!
- OK, everyone, hang on!
- KATH: Ooh!
Hang on, Brett!
You right? Here we go.
Stop! Man overboard!
Swim in, Sharon! We're not stopping.
(ALL SHOUT AND CHEER)
Hurry up, Brett. Mum and Kel
will be there already.
Can't stand it. Breakfast, lunch and
dinner - it's worse than at home.
Yoo-hoo! We're over here.
I got our table.
Oh, Kim and I are just
gonna sit here.
No, Brett, if we sit with Mum and
Kel, they'll pay for breakfast.
I want the full Aussie again.
Brett, Kel and I have been here
for half an hour,
bagsing the table
and saving the chairs.
I just wanna sit here.
Yeah, well, I don't care
where we sit.
I need breakfast. I'm ravishing!
Brett? Brett!
Brett?
Brett, look at me, please.
Look at me.
Look at me.
Now, I've got one word
to say to you, Brett.
Rude 'tude.
What?
The attitude, Brett. Do you think
you could drop it for five minutes?
Do you think you could stop
telling us what to do all the time?
Then we could all relax
and have a holiday.
Listen, mate, you're out of line.
Don't talk to Kath like that.
No, look, it's alright, Kel.
He doesn't mean it.
I do. You're just always there.
- Your voice is driving me crazy.
- Oh!
Leave us alone, will you, Kath?
Kath, it's alright. It's alright.
No, look, actually,
it's not alright, Kel.
You know, Brett, I don't need this.
Thank you. Thank you muchly
for ruining the holiday.
- Kath!
- Back off, Brett!
Kath!
Back off! I mean it.
You're out of control.
Kath!
Hurry up and get breakfast, Brett.
We've gotta get back
to the banana lounges
before somebody moves our stuff.
Psst! Kim!
Kim, can I come out now?
No!
Kath?
(HORN TOOTS)
MAN: Well done! Give her a clap!
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Next!
Me! Me! I'm next.
I asked her to mind the possie.
I had to go to the loo.
OK.
(SCREAMS)
Yes! Howzat?! Howzat?
Those people have moved my stuff.
I bagsed those lounges.
Say something, Brett.
Oh, there's a sign over there
says you can't bags lounges.
Why don't we sit
over there with Sharon?
(MOCKINGLY) "Why don't we
sit over there with Sharon?"
- God, you're a wuss, Brett.
- Don't call me a wuss, Kim.
(SOBS)
Stop crying, Sharon!
- Get a tissue. Yuck!
- Kim!
She's just looking for attention.
Oh… What's up, Sharon?
Oh, Bretty, I've been black-banned
from all non-motorised beach sports.
Why? What happened?
They accused me of
coconut tampering!
Well, did you do it?
No, Kim, I would never do that!
(SIGHS) The activities officer
has just got it in for me. (SOBS)
Kath?
(QUIETLY) Kath?
Kath?
Kath?
Kath!
This is nice, isn't it?
Epps is at kids club,
your mum and Kel are off somewhere.
You…wanna go back to the room?
What for?
I don't know.
A rest.
Are you insane, Brett?
I'm waiting for those people to move
so we can get the good lounges.
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
Kim, have you, um, seen Kath?
Nuh. Haven't seen her all day.
Yeah. Can't find her.
She's been gone since this morning.
I'm scared she might have run away.
She was so upset with Brett.
Oh, she'll turn up.
I'm worried she might have
gone over a cliff,
got lost in a rainforest,
lying somewhere
half pecked to death
by a bush turkey.
They can turn, you know!
Oh, come on, Kel.
I'll help you find her.
Come on. Let's go, mate.
Sharon, can you get me
some more fries, please?
Sharon!
Yes? Wha…
Oh, Kim, am I a bit burnt?
I don't know.
Oh.
Ohhh!
Oh!
(SCREAMS)
Hey! My fries!
Kath!
If you can hear me, I'm sorry!
Oh, Kel, I feel so guilty.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
You've been so kind to us.
Maybe we should call the police.
Come on. Let's alert
the hotel security.
I'll drive, Kel.
Put your foot down, Brett.
(ELECTRIC MOTOR WHINES)
Let me out here. I'll have a quick
look around the resort plaza.
Alright. I'll check on Kim
one more time.
OK.
(ELECTRIC MOTOR WHINES)
Oh, hi, Kel.
What do you think -
'McLeod's Daughters'?
Kath, we thought you were dead!
We've had half of Hyatt Coolum
out looking for you.
Oh, no, I've just popped in here
after brekkie
to do a bit of gift shopping.
- Kath, it's 5:30!
- Oh, really?
Oh, well, you know, I've had
a lot to buy. Look what I've got.
Look what I got for Made
and my Indo mates.
Pet rocks. Aren't they cute?
Look at that.
And look, I was thinking, what about
this for Marion? I love it.
Look, it's a pea-in-a-pod necklace.
And then this one for Barb Cousins -
look, it's a sexy pig on a blanket.
Isn't that cute? And this one - look!
Dinosaur in a tutu.
I thought that'd be great for
Shona Siddharta. She'd love that.
- Yeah, I'm gonna get 'em.
- Yeah, g'day, Brett.
They're not expensive.
I found her, yeah.
She's alright, but my credit card's
taken a bit of a battering, yeah.
- (CHUCKLES)
Oh, and I found your parrot earring.
Oh, that's not mine, Kel. And it's
not a parrot. It's a cassowary.
Yeah, I've never been able
to wear cassowaries.
I've got a square face.
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh. Ohh!
(GROANS)
Ohh! Ooh!
- Oh, that's a good bit!
- Oh, that is.
Oh, who took a big bite out of
the snowball and just left it there?
Oh, sorry, Mrs D, that was me.
- I'm allergic to, um, marshmallow.
- Oh.
Oh, so now you're
snowball tampering.
That is not funny, Kim!
- That's a good bit.
- BRETT: Hello!
Oh, Brett! Here. Here's a prezzie
I got for you in Coolum.
- Forgot to give it to you.
- Thanks, Kath!
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, it's a bit
'whole joke, half earnest'.
But no, seriously, I think we all
learned some important lessons
on the holiday.
Like, for instance, I learned that
I've been a bit cavalier
with your privacy.
You know, that what you and Kim do
is your own business.
Thanks, doll.
Anyway, Brett, tell me - did you
get to have an orgasm at the resort?
Sorry?
Oh, 'cause Kel and I had about eight
on the last night.
At happy hour, didn't we, darl?
Yeah, they were fantastic.
Must have been that fresh
Queensland pineapple.
Oh, yeah!
- I asked the waiter for the recipe.
- KATH: It was so juicy!
We could have a couple tonight,
I reckon.
Mmm.
Mmm, yum.
Kim, did I tell you that
on the plane up here to Coolum,
Kel and I joined
the mile-high club?
Hello? Revolting!
Oh, no, it was great!
Well worth the initial outlay.
Because now I get to have a point
every time I fly - literally.
Yuck!
Oh, we got to use
the business class toot.
You can even have a spread
in the lounge,
if that's your thing.
Oh, you're disgusting!
You had sex on the plane?
What?
We joined the Qantas Club
membership.
Oh!
Actually, I haven't read
if sex is included.
I think that's for your premium club
members, actually -
you know, Ralph Fiennes, etc, etc.
- Mum?
- Yeah?
- I'm thinking I have to go to rehab.
- Rehab?
Yeah, well, you know,
everyone I know is there.
Britney, Lindsay, Robbie, Keith.
No, I've realised now,
I think I'm an addict.
Yeah, well, a food addict,
absolutely.
The number of hash browns
you put away this morning
at breakfast…
- Oh, shocking!
- No, Mum.
This is serious.
Haven't you noticed
how many times I've been going into
the toilet?
Brett says he can smell it on me
all the time.
I'm getting paranoid.
I know people are looking at me,
knowing I'm using.
Using? Using what, Kim?
What, cocaine? Ice?
No! Spray tans.
I can't stop!
I'm spraying myself wherever,
whenever I can.
I need to go to rehab!
Yes, well, I have noticed you're
fluorescent at the moment.
Yeah.
Oh, well, alright, Kim.
I'll talk to Brett.
Maybe we should stage
an exfoliation tonight.
- I think that'd be for the best. Yep.
- Alright.
Right, I've just gotta go.
- Where are you going?
- I've gotta go to the toilet.
No, Kim, don't. Don't. Sit down.
No, no - I really have to
go to the toilet.
That's gone straight through me.
I think it's the coconut.
- Oh, alright. Nature calls!
- (CHUCKLES)
- Actually, nature is calling.
- (BIRDS SQUAWK)
Isn't that a pretty sound?
Sound of Australia. Beautiful.
Captioned by Ai-Media
ai-media. tv
KATH AND KIM:
Oh, it's nice. It's different.
- KATH: Yeah, it's nice.
- KIM: Yeah, it's unusual.