Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 6 - That Burning Passion - full transcript

- Dennis, is my
diet meal here yet?

- Um...
- What is that, a donut?

- Yeah, I'll get rid of it.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Just 'cause I'm on
a diet doesn't mean

you can't enjoy a donut.

- Actually, I'm done.

- Eat it.

Yeah, that's it.

It's good, huh?

- Yeah.

- The jelly filling,
the powdered sugar.

You got some sugar on your lip.

Lick it.

- You're making me
feel uncomfortable.

- Maya, look.

The cutest guy just
got off the elevator.

- Wow, he is cute.

Who is he?

- Hmm, well,
based on his T-shirt,

I'd say he's either a fireman,

or someone hired a stripper.

- He's not a stripper, he's a
fireman, an American hero.

- Well, I don't like what
you're implying about strippers.

- You know, I've always had
the biggest fireman fantasy.

- Ooh, tell.

- Well, there's this cute
fireman, kinda like that one,

and we have sex.

- And?

- And what?

- Oh, for God's sakes,
Maya, that's your fantasy?

Now listen.

You're home alone one night
experimenting with witchcraft.

You accidentally knock over
some black Santeria candles.

A handsome young fireman
knocks down the door,

drags you to the floor, and
makes wild, passionate love

to you on the singed carpet,

heedless of the chicken
feathers and beaks.

- Oh my God.

- Pretty stunning, huh?

How do you think we
can get his attention?

- Son of a bitch!

- Interesting choice.

- Vicki, you gotta take me back.

- Get the hell
out of here, Pete.

- My God, is that your husband?

- Soon to be ex-husband.

You lying piece of garbage,

I hope you're
eaten alive by rats.

- I think it's so
healthy they're talking.

- I made one mistake.

- You slept with my best friend.

- Between me and you,
not a very good best friend.

- I'm not talking now,
and I'm not talking later.

Maya, would you please
get him out of here?

- Vicki, come on!

- Okay, this is
getting boring now.

Come on, big guy!

Take it off!

Come on, baby!

- Having a little trouble
with the missus, huh?

- I gotta get her back.

We've been together
since junior high.

First day of seventh grade,
I saw Vicki smiling at me

from across the hall.

I knew right there I
was gonna marry her.

- Ah, that's sweet.

So, Vicki's best friend,
is she a screamer?

- I don't know.

Are you a screamer?

- You talking about
loving or fighting?

Either way, I think it's a yes.

- Hi, I'm Maya.

I work with Vicki.

I guess we have kind of a
flammable situation here.

So, maybe you should go.

- Look, Maya, I don't
know what to do here.

I gotta tell Vicki how sorry
I am for screwing things up

'cause I don't think I
can live another day

without seeing the sparkle
in those beautiful eyes.

- Take me.

Take me advice.

Just give her a
chance to cool down.

- Listen, would you
talk to her for me?

Tell her how I feel?

- Oh, I don't know if
that's really my place.

- I don't want to put
you in a weird position.

Look, just tell her that, uh...

Pete don't.

Look, just tell her if
she's willing to talk to me,

I'll be waiting for
her downstairs

at the restaurant after work.

- Oh, a restaurant!

Must be nice to shove whatever
you want into your mouth

and never gain an ounce.

You people make me sick!

Is my meal here yet?

- Yes, I'm opening it right now.

- Well, hurry up, damn it!

I'm up to here with
your dilly-dallying

and your Cornish
game hen figure!

- Is he dieting again?

- Yeah, I don't know why he
has to put us through all that.

He looks fine.

- Yeah, I know.

He's got that powerful
build like a bear.

He gives you that hug,

you just want to stay
in there through winter.

- Anyway, I was gonna
hit him up for a raise,

but instead of seeing
a deserving assistant,

in this mood he'll see some guy

that might just taste
like a chicken finger.

Dennis, hurry the hell up!

The hell you doing, man?

- Fortifying his diet
with a little vitamin Finch.

- He's not gonna believe
donuts are on his diet.

- That's where you're
wrong, my friend.

People will believe anything,
no matter how cuckoo,

as long as it's what
they want to believe.

- Oh yeah, like we convinced
you that a white Miata

was a cool guy car.

- Doesn't matter.

Traded it in for a
sweet Cabriolet.


Nina, your rock star
boyfriend's on his way up.

- Oh, Simon.

God, just hearing his name
makes me feel like a schoolgirl.

- That's funny.

You're not naked, and I don't
see a satisfied marching band.

- Said the man who
went to his junior prom

with the lunch lady.

- Bertha Washington was a
very attractive older woman,

and she made a
dynamite Sloppy Joe.

- Well, I bet Simon's
coming up here to take me

to some fabulous
restaurant for lunch.

- Yeah, what?

To apologize for this?

- Oh my God!

What is he doing
with that woman?

- It's obvious.

She's choking, and he's
helping by squeezing her boobs.

- Hello there, love.

How about I take
you out to lunch?

- And how about I roll this up

and hit you over
the head with it?

- Sounds hot.

Shall we go to your office?

- I can't believe
you cheated on me!

And we made a sacred
pact that we wouldn't sleep

with anyone else
unless we were together

and we could talk
Halle Berry into it.

- I wasn't cheating on you.

That's just one of the
girls my publicist hires

to photograph me with, you know,

to protect my image as someone

who rogers everything in sight.

That is the lamest
excuse I ever heard.

- Darling, please.

It's just to hype my new album.

Please, I would never hurt you.

I just want all my adoring
fans to think I would.

- Great, but if Halle Berry
returns my call, you're out!

- Oh!

- Anyway, he said he'd be
waiting for you in the restaurant.

He really wants to talk.

- Look, I know you're trying
to help, but just forget it.

- He cheated on you.

I'm not defending that.

I'm just saying that
he wants to talk to you.

He seems so sweet and so sorry.

- So what?

Look, why can't he just move on?

It shouldn't be too difficult.

Girls go crazy for firemen.

- You know, she's right.

That's very true.

I come from a
long line of firemen.

I was actually gonna be
a flame monkey myself,

but I didn't weigh enough
to carry me down the pole.


Who's in the mood
for pork chops?

- Donut with breakfast,
and now pork chops?

How can I possibly lose
weight eating this stuff?

- It's science, Jack.

It's food combining.

The fat from the pork
chops breaks down

the sugar in the donuts.

That's why tonight,
after your baby back ribs,

you'll be forced
to eat a moon pie.

- Moon pies?

That's crazy!

- Hey, the best scientists in
the world devised this system,

but if Jack Gallo
says they're wrong,

then they must be wrong,

what with all the lab
work you do around here

at a fashion magazine.

- Alright, alright,
I'll give it a shot.

- Okay, now suck it up and
munch down those pork chops.

And if you feel
tingling in your left arm,

that's just the magic
of food combining.

- I don't care if Simon
was with those women

just for publicity.

It's still humiliating.

- Well, who cares
what the press says?

You know what you have.

The same thing happened to me

when I was dating
Christy Turlington.

I mean, sure, she was seen
with Ed Burns and Ben Affleck

partying through the night,

but who was home
walking her dogs

and scrubbing her yoga mat?

- You, Elliot.

Listen, you gotta help
me teach Simon a lesson.

Are you busy tonight?

- It'll have to be early.

I'm picking up Renée
Zellweger's mother at the airport.

Alright, look, look.

If you want the tabloids
to print this picture,

you're gonna have to
generate some more heat.

- Okay.

For God's sakes, can't you
act straight for one hour?

- Well, if that's how she
feels, that's how she feels.

Anyway, thanks for coming
by and giving me the bad news.

- You know, for what it's
worth, I just really think

that she should talk to you.

- Thanks, Maya.

It really means a lot
that a woman like you

thinks I deserve another chance.

- A woman like me?

- Yeah, you're
obviously compassionate.

You're intelligent.

You're a great listener.

God, he's adorable.

Maya, stop it!

He's Vicki's husband!

Well, soon to be ex-husband.

Well, it doesn't matter.

He's off limits.

Stop thinking about his eyes
and his shoulders and his...

- Breadstick?

- What?



- Yeah.

Vicki loves breadsticks,
croutons, bagel chips,

all crispy bread products.

- Pete, it's gonna be okay.

Poor guy.

I bet he could use
a hug right now.

Would that be weird?

No, it's just a way to
comfort someone in pain.

I hugged Nana when Grandpa died.

This is no different.

See, just like Nana.

- Wow!

- Thanks, I really
needed to talk.

- Can I get some water please?

- Yeah, sure.

♪ Fee fi, fiddley aye oh,

♪ Fee fi, fiddley aye oh

Well, what a pleasure it is

to see all your
shining faces today!

Hello, Elliot.

Hello, Dennis!

Hello, you, I don't know
your name, but here's a dollar.

- You're in a good mood, Jack.

- Yeah, well, it's this diet.

It's incredible!

- By the way...
- Uh huh?

- Today's choice for dessert
is amaretto cheesecake

or Kahlua flourless fudge.

- Fudge?

But I thought I used all
of today's chocolate points

on my after-breakfast Ho Ho?

- Technically,
you did, good eye.

But because the
fudge is flourless,

we can count it toward
your butter requirement.

- Fudge it is.

- You do realize it's
just a matter of time

before the man steps on a scale.

- Oh, you mean the
scale in his office,

which I carefully
recalibrate every morning?

- He's gonna notice his
pants aren't getting any looser.

- Unless the person who
picks up his dry cleaning

is careful enough to
gradually let them out.

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

I didn't get a merit badge
in sewing because I'm pretty.

- Elliot, we made the tabloids.

- Hey, hey, look at that!

"Is Nina Van Horn
two-timing Simon Leeds?"


- I know!

This morning a cab driver
called me a giant whore,

and I was so happy!

- Oh!

- Vicki!

Recycling, I see.

- Yeah, well, I try.

- Yeah, me too.

I think people should
recycle everything.

Take your husband, for example.

I mean, to you he
may be garbage,

but somebody else
might able to do

something useful with him.

- Okay.

- And I know that you're very
anxious for him to move on,

so you'd probably be okay
if I were to recycle Pete?

- Oh no, Maya, come on.

Don't be embarrassed.

I mean, you know,
Pete's a very sexy,

very charming guy, you know?

I mean, I would
completely understand

if you'd want to be with him.

- So you would be
okay with me and Pete?

- I'd kill you.


- Yeah, I'd snap
you like a carrot.

But you see, I don't
have to hurt you,

because you had the
decency to come to me first.

- Yep, that's what I did.

- You had sex.

- What? How did you know?

- Maya, please, I
know your cycle.

Every 12 months, you have sex.

Which reminds me, I
have to set my clock.

Maya on her back,
spring forward, okay.

Hello, Simon.

I see you've ordered the
silicone breast of chicken.

- I suppose you have a
good explanation for this?

- Yes, yes, I wanted you
to know what it feels like

to have everybody think
that you're being cheated on.

- Oh, for God's sake, Nina.

That's so childish!

I'm doing this for work,
not personal enjoyment.

- I see, I see.

You know, I could use
some extra clippings

for my press book, so
maybe your photographer here

could shoot off
a couple of these.

- Here, stop that!

- Why, it's just publicity?

Why don't we do it on the piano?

- Okay, let me just drop
off these onion rings.

- Nina, you're being ridiculous.

- Oh, well I'm so sorry
that you feel that way,

but you know something?

You're gonna have
to make a decision

about what's more
important to you:

protecting my feelings, or
protecting your reputation

as some middle-aged
cradle robber

who can't keep it in his pants.

- Don't make me choose.

- Hey, Pete.

- Maya, hey!

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Hi, um, we gotta talk.

- Yeah, I like it when we talk.

- No, no, no.

This is hard for me.

We have to stop
seeing each other.

- Why?

- I forgot.

No, I can't!

It's Vicki.

She said that if I started
seeing you, she would kill me.

- She said that?

- Yeah, I'm sorry.

Please don't
think that last night

wasn't incredibly special.

You know, I just feel like

we have such a deep
emotional connection.

- She still has
feelings for me, yes!

- Huh?

- If she didn't have
feelings for me,

she wouldn't care
who I slept with.

I mean, this is awesome.

Up top!

Alright, I gotta go to her now.

- No, wait, wait, wait!

She's gonna ask how you know
that she has feelings for you.

She doesn't know
anything about us.

- I see where you're
going with this.

I gotta tell her everything.

- What? No!

- Yeah, no more
secrets, no more lies.

I mean, thanks for helping
me out with this, Maya.

You're so smart and sexy,

and you're like
the perfect woman.

Gotta go.

- Hey, I'm Frank.

I heard you like firemen.

- Jack and the bean stalk,

how about Jack
is the bean stalk?

- Thank you.

- Hey, listen, Slim.

I've been meaning
to ask you something.

I need a raise.

There, I said it.

I recently made
some bad investments,

dabbling in animal husbandry.

Long story short, I'm
supporting two male alpacas.

- Dennis, Dennis, Dennis.

Do you know why you need money?

- Two males, Jack, no babies.

- Because you lack discipline.

You know, a week ago I
would have given you a raise.

- Really?

- Yes!

But this diet has taught
me the great pride

that comes with self-restraint.

- It has?

- Yes.

It's also taught me that you
can lose weight eating s'mores,

that pleats can mysteriously
disappear from pants,

and that I can weigh
10 pounds more at home

than I do at the office.

- I think Elliot's
stealing computer paper.

- Just so we
understand each other,

you're not getting a raise,

and you better start coming
in here with healthier food.

- Right, right.

But seriously, what are
we gonna do about Elliot?

Oh, you.

- Come in.

- I thought you might
like to see these.

They're the latest photos
I approved for publication.

- It's you and me the
night we were arrested

for indecent exposure.

- Well, I'm a romantic.

- Does this mean
what I think it means?

- Yes, darling.

If people are gonna
see pictures of me

doing something
lewd and disgusting,

I want them to see
me doing it to you.

- Oh, Simon!

- I hear your little diet
scam blew up in your face.

- Hmm, hmm, guh.

Now it's worse than ever.

Now he's exercising.

This morning he made me
hold his feet while he did sit-ups.

I had to stuff change in my
pockets so I wouldn't be hurled

across the room.

- You are such a loser.

- Yeah, hey, Elle
Macpherson called.

- Oh, damn it, I
forgot to feed her fish!

- Hey, Finch.

Have you seen Vicki?

- No, is everything alright?

- Yeah, it's just I'm totally
stressed out right now!

- You think you're stressed out?

I just put your dad
through his Pilates routine.

I saw some bad things, Maya.

Bad things!

- Hey, Maya.

- Hey, girlfriend, I was
just looking for you.

- Pete told me what you did.

- Look, I met him
for a drink to tell him

that you weren't
gonna talk to him,

and one thing led to another...

- And you told him to
keep fighting for me.

- I told him to keep
fighting for you.

- Well, he came to my
apartment, and we talked for hours,

and well, I realized I
still had feelings for him.

We're back together, Maya,
and well, your plan worked!

- It did!

Oh my gosh, I am awesome!

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Pete!

Way to get back
with Vicki, up top!

- Hey, we're gonna
go get some coffee.

You want to join us?

- No, I don't.

You guys probably
want to be alone.

- And it's a good thing we
talked before you made a move.

Otherwise, things might
be pretty awkward right now.