Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 5 - Da Sister Who Loved DiMauro - full transcript

Eliot tries to date Vicki but ends up with her sister. Jack monitors the office remotely with a 2-way A/V system.

- Hey.

- Saw you leave the party
with Vicki last night, huh?

- Yes I did and
it was incredible.

Alright, you finally hooked up!

I know what that's like.

- Come here baby,
your whiskers are so soft,

let's do a little
cat scratch fever.

Ooh yeah, bat that mouse around.

Kill it and bat it around!

- We didn't sleep together,

we stayed up all night talking,
we made a real connection.

She told me I'm a good listener.

Aw, great, then you'll
be able to hear this.

You're a loser!

- Oh, I get why
you're being so hostile.

Because tonight
when I'm with Vicki,

making my final move,
you're gonna be home alone,

in your broken dreams
and your footsie pajamas.

- It's an orthopedic jumpsuit.

- He really cut you
off at the knees.

- Yeah, now he's at the
top of my revenge list.

Justin Timberlake.

You'll live to see another day!

- Good morning Finch, Nina.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hmm, eyes a little puffy,

hair a little tussled.

- Someone got a
little last night, huh?

- Actually, I was
out with Elliot.

- Oh, sweetie, that's not
something we brag about here.

- I'm not interested
in Elliot that way.

We're buddies!
- Oh.

- Just buddies.

That's not what Elliot thinks.

- Yeah.

Well, you know, as a
friend, you could warn him

and save him from a
devastating humiliation.

- Yeah.

(both laugh)

- Oh, go for it.

(guitar music)

- Alright, let's get
this thing going.

- Dad, I wish you would go home.

You just had foot surgery,
you should be recuperating.

- I don't need to recuperate,

I'm just gonna
tough this thing out.

(yells with pain)

- Dennis, what's wrong?

- Your toe hurts.

- It'll be fine.

Ow, Elliot, stop
fidgeting, it hurts my toe.

(screams) Elliot stop talking.

- You're in agony, how
are you going to work?

- I'd give you some
of my pain medication,

but it would totally screw
up my Saturday night.

- Jack, it's just going to
get worse if you stay on it.

- Alright, I'll go home.

But I want constant updates.

(yells with pain)

- The old man's gone,
the old man's gone.

(cries) The old man's gone.

- Wow, so this is very cool.

My little sister's
really hit the big time.

- Yeah, it's pretty nice, huh?

- So what, you think
you're better than me now?

What, you're
the little princess,

and I'm the big
loser of the family?

- No, I didn't say that.
- I'm just poking

your itty-bitties.

Hey, how long's
the Tom Petty doll?

- I work here, so if you
could just dial it down

a little bit, okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- This is Finch and Nina,

this is my sister,
Rhonda Ferrra.

(Rhonda roars)

(sisters laugh)

- Hello there, string cheese.

You're a tasty little
treat, aren't ya?

- Okay.

- Yo, slim, your
ribs are showing.

- Oh, not all of them.

I left two of them with
a doctor in Mexico.

- Anyways, I gotta get going.

- You.

- I'd like to roll you up and
put you in my sock drawer.

- So I'm sorry about my sister.

- I wasn't scared, I wasn't.

- She's just in a really
weird place right now.

I mean, between you and me,

she's had some
bad luck with men.

- The one's buried
below the house

are starting to stink?
- Yeah, really.

- I just really wish she
could meet a nice guy.

Hey, do you think Elliot
would be interested?

- I don't know, Nina,

do you think Elliot
would be interested?

- In a firecracker like that?

- She is a little colorful.
- Colorful?

Oh, she's a rainbow!

- Ha, I think it's
a perfect match.

You're going out with
Elliot tonight, right?

Why don't you bring her along?

- (gasps) That's a great idea!

I'm gonna go tell him!

- Tell him?

No, no, I'll tell him.
- Why?

- Why?

I'll tell you why.

- Oh, he's weird about set ups?

- He's weird about set ups.

- Oh, you're a good friend.

- I'm the best!

Hey dude, see
me talking to Vicki?

I just got some info that's
gonna put you over the top.

- Tell me.

- You know, I would, but
you wounded me deeply

and that is something
I cannot forgive.

I do not have much,
sir, but I have my pride,

and that is one
thing I can hold onto.

- I have $11.

- Alright, here's
what's going on.

Vicki's gonna bring her
sister on your date tonight.

- Why?
- Why.

- Why, is she, like, testing me?

- Testing works.

Yes, she's testing you.

Uh, you see, she loves her
sister and wants your approval.

- Okay, so all I have to
do is be nice with the sister,

and I'm in with Vicki?

- No, you gotta
be more than nice.

Woo the sister, play
it like you're on a date

with the sister.

- Yeah, Finch, this is great.

You know what?

A lot of people think
you're a devious bastard,

but you're, no,
you're a good friend.

- Wait, wait, there's
something I should tell you.

Her sister's really shy,
so give her a boost up.

Good luck.

- Are things more relaxed
here since Jack left,

or is that just the gin talking?

- Could be the gin, could
be the brandy you had

before the gin.

Sprinkle, bam!

- What's this about?

- Well, you're always
taking swipes at me,

I thought it was time
to start firing 'em back.

- Don't mess with me,
Maya, I will eat you alive.

- Then throw me up
five minutes later?

- Poof, shazam! (laughs)

- Hey, by the way, a guy
named Andre is on his way up.

- Oh!, Andre Delacroix.

Masseuse to the stars.

Having a session with
him is like being touched

by the hands of God.

Except that God doesn't spend
that much time on your thighs.

- Are you gonna get a
massage in the office?

Jack would kill you.

- Yes, but Jack
isn't here, is he?

- Hello, everyone!

- Oh, look, Jack sent
us a little video of himself.

Knew the old
bastard was losing it.

- I can hear you, Nina.

- Vicki said that.

- I can see you, too.

- Dad, what are you doing?

- I'm gonna supervise
from home today.

One of my catalogs had

all of these great two-way
conferencing gadgets.

- Hi, I'm Andre, I'm
looking for Nina Van Horn?

- Who's that?

- Delivery man, he's, he's, uh,

he's delivering my purse.

- It looks enormous.

- Oh, you know what?

They're all the
rage in Milan, Jack.

Big is in.

- It's almost big enough
to fit your makeup.

Bounce, bounce, count it!

- Nina, what's going on?

- Nothing, nothing.

You know, in fact, I don't
think I really want this purse.

I mean, the only way
I could make it work

is if I had an
enormous pair of shoes,

and well, anyway, go on,
delivery man, just take that away.

- Alright, things seem
to be under control.

Now, Dennis, wheel
me over to accounting.

I wanna chat up
that new receptionist.

- Okay, boss.

- Hey, hey, not so fast.

I don't want to seem too eager.

- So, Mick Jagger turns
to the woman and says,

"DeMoro must has eaten it,
he has jelly all over his face."

- Elliot, ha!

Elliot, stop it.

You're gonna make
me piss my pants!

- Rhonda!

- What?

What, does that bother you?

- No, it's charming,

I'm having a great time.

- I'm so glad!

I was afraid this might
be a little awkward.

- Awkward, no, I'm
thrilled that you set this up.

I can't tell you how
great it is to meet Rhonda.

- Is he for real?

Are you for real?
- Ow, ow.

Actually, that hurts a little.

Ow, ow!

- Come on, Sally.

What do you want?

Take you to the dance,
put you in a dress?

I know you'd like it.

- Oh boy, she is
great, this is fun.

Big fun.

- I gotta tell you,

you're being a really
good sport here, Elliot.

- Well, that's me.

Alright, I'm gonna get
some more drinks, okay?

(Elliot and Rhonda scream)

(Rhonda laughs)

- I'm gonna get two more for...

- Things are going
great over there,

are they? Dude, my nipples

are swelling up like golf tees.

That woman is an animal,

I don't if I can take
anymore of this.

- Hey, don't give up
now, you're almost there.

I swear, when they leave here,

Rhonda's gonna tell Vicki you're

the greatest guy in the world,
just keep the charm going.

- Alright, great, great.

Here I go, here I go.

How do I look?

- You look like a light
bulb in a crew neck.


- Alright, drinks
for the lovely ladies.

- Rhonda would like to
apologize for, as she puts it,

"Yanking your nips."

- Apparently, I was
emasculating you.

- I'm just saying that
not every guy like that.

- Oh, so now you're going
to embarrass me in front

of your friend?
- I'm embarrassing you?

You were trying to milk him.

- Let's just cut to the chase.

What do you want
from this thing, Elliot?

- Well, I've got to be honest.

I've dated a lot of women,

but nothing serious
for a long time, I mean,

maybe I haven't wanted
to put myself out there, but,

I feel like I'm ready now

because I've finally
met someone special.

(Rhonda cheers)

(guitar music)

You set me up.

Thanks to you, I was
stuck with Rhonda all night.

- Well, you know, that's funny.

'Cause you wanted
Vicki, but wound up with...

(screeches and hollers)

- I'm gonna go straighten
this out with Vicki right now.

Hey, can I talk to you for a
second, it's about Rhonda.

- Oh, no need to thank me,
I saw how you two hit it off,

and I'm thrilled.

- Yeah, about that, I just...
- She has been

with so many jerks.

But to know that she's
with a really good guy,

someone who's not going to
lead her on and break her heart,

that means a lot to me.

- Well, naturally, I would
never, ever, want to hurt her...

- Oh, I know, I know,
because you're a sweet person!

And between you and me,
when you said all that stuff

about being ready
for something real,

it was all I could do not
to jump on you myself.


I mean where am I ever
gonna find a guy like you?

- Right here!

But I'm dating your sister!

(both laugh)

Are you happy?

Are you happy
Vicki finally likes me

and I'm stuck with her sister.

Thanks to you, my life sucks.

- Buddy, I can't
take all the credit,

you had a pretty
good head start.

- If I dump Rhonda now,
Vicki's gonna hate me.

So the only way out is
for Rhonda to dump me.

- Alright, man.

You need a guy
to steal her away.

And I mean a
ladies' man, a playa.

Alright, a real stud.

- I'm flattered,
boys, but I'm laid up.

- Oh, thank you so
much for re-scheduling,

I know how busy you are.

- Not a problem.

Here we go.

- Woah, oh that is fantastic.

- I was just preparing.

- So was I.


- Wait.

- Oh, good god.

Stop teasing me and lay
those gigantic hands on me.

- I left my oils out at
the conference table.

- Well, do it without oils.

We don't need those stupid oils.

- Oh, it's much better with oils

- I'll get the oils.

- No, no, no, no.

I'll get the oil, okay?

- No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

My boss's big giant all
seeing head is out there,

being wheeled around, and, well,

you know what that's like.

- First you put in the articles,

then you put in the ads.

And where the hell is Nina?

Is she back from lunch?

I mean, where does she get off

taking a two-and-a-half
hour lunch?

- And I bet she didn't do any
of the things I asked her for!

- What have you been
up to, you old rascal?

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I have some work to finish.

- No, I want you to
stay out here with Maya.

- I am about to lose it.

- I bet you haven't said
that since you were 14, bang!

- Hey, I'm looking for Elliot.

- Yeah, Elliot, he's, uh,
indisposed at the moment.

Remember me, D. Finch?

- What's the 'D.' stand for?

- Dennis.

As in, "not if, but when-nis".

- Are you hitting on me?

- What if I am?

- I'm seeing your friend.

You sleep behind
your brother's back

just to get a little piece
of something-something?

- Yes, ma'am.

- Your place, eight o-clock.

- That works for me.

- I don't care what works
for you, you little gerbil.

I'm driving this train here,
and you're just shoveling coal.

And if you don't
keep it hot enough,

I will dump your scrawny
ass onto the tracks

like the worthless piece
of garbage that you are.

- I don't know if there's
a heaven, but if there is,

they're one angel short.

- Nina, the bottom line is
massages are inappropriate

during the workday.

- Well, if it makes
you feel any better,

when I got back to my
office, Andre was gone.

And he's impossible to get.

- Ah, ah, that's good.

Yeah, you're right, Andre,
it is better with the oils.

Maya, your posture is horrendous,
and lay off the doughnuts,

they're for everybody!

- That's it.

See you Monday!

- Don't you dare!

(TV clicks off)

- Aargh!

- I had this one
put in during lunch.

Pretty cool, huh?

- No, it's incredibly invasive.

How would you
like someone spying

over your shoulder all day,
watching your every move.

It's creepy!

- It is creepy, isn't it?
- Yes!

You're like some
crazed big brother!

- What am I doing?

I'm home for a day,
and I've lost my mind!

I'm completely out of control.

- No, you haven't
lost your mind.

- Hit the red button.

(Spanish words
come from television)

I just think you need
to let go a little bit.

- I know.

Maybe I just don't want
people to get the idea

that the office works
fine without me.

- Oh, come on.

You know that that's
not gonna happen.

You're the heart
of this magazine,

we couldn't do it without you!

- Aw, thanks.

Hey, give your old man a hug.

- Oh, dad.

- Come on, give me a hug.

- Oh, god. (chuckles)

You know, this is
actually kind of great,

because we never
get to talk, you know,

just you and me, and,

um, I know we've been
through this before, but,

why did you really leave mom?

(television beeps)

(guitar music)

- Well, that's it.

I'm taking off early.

I can't remember the last
time I was this disappointed.

- When Roosevelt got elected?



- Alright, that's it.

I have had enough.

- Words you have never
said to a man or a bartender.

Ka-kick, goal!

- Maya, I don't like
this color on you.

- Oh, what, that I've started
to stand up for myself?

- No, dear, brown, you
look like a frumpy raisinette.

- That was unnecessary.

- Oh, like the other
half of your bed?

Oh, order is being restored.

- Rhonda went off with Finch?

You must be crushed!

What a horrible thing
to have happen to you.

- Yeah, it was pretty rough.

So you up for margaritas?

- Wait, aren't you upset?

- Oh, oh, of course,
I'm heartbroken.

I just don't want to
seem weak in front of you.

- Its' okay, Elliot.

I like a man who's not
afraid to show emotion.

- (cries) I liked her so much!

- Welcome to the jungle,
baby, I hope you got your shots.

- Mmm, nice couch.

- Yeah, thanks.

Couldn't pull the other
half out of the river.

So, I'll set the mood
with some tunes.

(show-tune music)

How'd that get in there.

- [Voiceover From
Stereo] Repeat after me.

I love myself.

I'm as tall as I feel.

(rhythm and blues music)

- Now there's a stanky groove.

Why don't you, uh, park it
down here next to Daddy?

- First off, I'm the daddy.

- Oh, well, Daddy, what
do you want me to do?

- I'll tell you what you're
gonna do, you little elf.

You're gonna put on your
apron, climb up your little tree,

and bake me some cookies.

- Ooh, alright.

I'll put on my pointy hat
and me little oven mitts.

- Good, then I'm gonna
crush those cookies

and make you crawl
around in the crumbs.

- Okay.

- And them I'm gonna
put a little leash on ya,

'cause you're my dog.

- What's that?

- That's right, your
new name is Rags.

Here, Rags, here boy!

Ooh, come and eat your
little rubber pork chop!

- Okay, I don't know
if I want to be the dog.

- Oh, are you gonna get bad now?

Oh, I'm gonna cuff
you to the steam pipe

and smack ya ass
with the Sunday times!

Ooh, bad dog, bad dog! (growls)

- Okay, that's it, I'm out.

This is a bad plan.

- What plan?

- Nothing.
- What plan?

- The one where Elliot
likes Vicki, your sister,

and I'm supposed to
take you off his hands.

- You lying little creep!

You don't deserve to be my dog!

(door slams)

- [Voiceover From
Stereo] Repeat after me.

I am a special person.

- I am a special person.

(guitar music)

- Hey, thanks for
going out with me.

- Well, I care about you.

- I might start crying again.

But you like that
in a man, right?

- Less and less.

Come on, let's go.

- There he is.

What the hell is wrong with you.

Rhonda, what happened?

- Oh, I'll tell you
what happened.

This guy handed me
off to his puny little friend.

- What?

- That's right.

So he could hit on you.

- Is that true?

- Well, it's complicated.

There are several underlying

I'm in really bad
place right now!

- That's it, we're out of here!

- Wait, wait, wait.

I need to say something.

Listen, there's been some
misunderstandings tonight,

but I just want you to know
it all came from a good place.

Now come on, Vicki.

You're hot, you look easy,
and Elliot wanted to get busy.


Seriously, and now sure,

he might have
manipulated the situation,

lied a little bit to
get you into bed,

but there was not disrespect.


So why don't you crazy kids
put all the ugliness behind you

and get it on?

- You both disgust me.

- I know where you live.

- Not after tomorrow, weirdo.

I don't get it.

Why does it have to be so hard
to meet that special someone?

- I don't know, brother.

I do not know.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter what
I'm gonna do 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of its own.

♪ Life keeps bringing
me back to you.