Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 4 - Halloween? Halloween! - full transcript

(dirty guitar music)

- That's Jack Gallo,
he's very important,

so just remember,
suck up to him.

Jack, I'd like you to meet
Kelly, next month's cover girl.

- Hello, Kelly.

I saw your proof sheets.

Magical.

- Thank you.

- Speaking of which, do
you enjoy a little magic?

- Oh my god that is amazing,

where did those cards come from?



- My pocket, that
was not the trick.

Tell me ladies, is this
card the ace of clubs?

- Yes.
- Yes.

- Thank you.

I was learning a little magic
for your Halloween party.

I'm coming dressed
as Merlin the magician.

- Wow, you're having
a costume party?

- Oh it's not just
a costume party,

it's going to be the
Halloween event of the season.

Strictly A-list guests and
some people from Blush,

because Maya couldn't
keep her fat mouth shut.

- So like who's gonna be there?

- Oh well, I don't
like to name drop,

it really upsets my boyfriend,



recently knighted, legendary
rockstar Simon Leeds.

Here come with me and
I'll get you an invitation.

- Oh oh Kelly, wait,
perhaps before you leave,

you'd like these flowers.

Thank you.

Oh Kelly, I'm gonna
need those back.

- Whew dibs.

- What?

- I got dibs on
that hot new model.

- Please, Dennis,

I don't think you want to
compete with me over a woman.

- Fine, let's settle this in a
mature and adult manner.

Bubblegum, bubblegum in a dish,

how many pieces do you wish?

- Seven.

- One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven,

and you are not it.

Hahaha, yeah.

Rock, paper, scissors?

- Yeah.

- And I have to be paper?

- Yeah.

- Simon I am so
excited about tonight.

- Oh me too.

I sent a van to the liquor store

to pick up six cases of tequila,

two cases of scotch,
a case of bourbon,

and a keg of Guinness.

- This party is gonna be huge.

- Oh right you have the party.

I'll see you later.

- Simon, people are watching.

- Oh sorry.

- Elliot, get off my back,
it's just cream cheese.

- All I'm saying

is you're supposed to
skim a thin layer off the top,

not dig down to the bottom,
there's no treasure down there.

- Stop busting my chops.

- I don't know what they
do over there in Brooklyn,

but over here in Manhattan
we take nice easy layers.

- How's this Elliot?

- What is your problem?

- Nothing.

- You are constantly
picking fights with her

over the smallest little things.

- Smallest things?

Yesterday she has a banana.

Peels a little takes a bite,

peels a little takes a bite,

peel it all the way down,
we're tryna run a business here.

- Oh Elliot.

Come on it is so obvious
you are attracted to her.

- Yeah.

- You're like the little
kid on the school yard

who's picking on
the girl he likes.

Maybe she's smart
and a little awkward,

her body's not
quite yet developed,

and then one summer blam,

and what am I
gonna do with these?

- What?

- Nothing.

The point is you like her.

- Alright, fine yes,
alright, I like her.

- Okay then stop all this
silliness and ask her out.

- There's just
something about her.

She intimidates me,
she makes me crazy.

All I need is the right
opportunity, a window.

- Well be patient, I'm
sure that you'll find it.

- Hey Nina I'm really
looking forward to your party.

- Wonderful.

Is there anyone you didn't tell?

Dating a rockstar
is so fabulous.

I don't think I've ever
thrown a better party.

A rockstar is not bad, but
I can enchant your guests,

by pouring this
milk into my hat.

I just ruined my hat.

- Hey Jack, great buffet huh?

- You should be ashamed of
yourself dressed as Gandhi,

and stuffing your
face with buffalo wings.

Why didn't you come as FDR
and walk around with crazy legs?

- Hey hey hey.

Robin Hood is here
to rob from the rich,

and give to the bitch.

Oh come on you can't
get mad that rhymed.

Hey sorry I'm late guys I had to

lengthen my tunic so you
couldn't see me merry men.

Not to mention
his little john, right?

It's a euphemism.

- We get it.

Dennis.

- Jack.

- Nice dress.

- It's a medieval
thieving tunic.

Nice muumuu.

- It's a magical
frock of mischief.

- Rented?

- Bought.

- Rich bastard.

- What?

- Nothing. There's Kelly,
may the best man win.

- I hope you're ready Dennis,

because right now I
plan to heat things up.

Oh there it is.

Hi Kelly.

It's me Jack Gallo.

- Hi.

- Hi Kelly, I don't think
we've been introduced,

the name's D. Finch.

- Nice to meet you D.

Great costume.

- Oh thanks, I sewed it myself.

- Wow, I love Peter Pan.

- You do?

Well that's who I am.

I'm Peter Pan look
at me I'm flying.

I'm Sandy Duncan,
I'm eating wheat thins,

I have no depth perception.

- Adorable.

Say you seem to have a bit
of chocolate on your cheek.

No, no, use my hanky.

What the...

How can this be,
maybe it's magic.

Uh oh, my underpants.

Thank you.

- Hey Betty Boop.

- Hey. Who're you
supposed to be?

- Hello, Fran Lebowitz.

The writer, laconic humorist.

I'm Kramer.

- Oh, Kramer, that's funny.

- So are you having a good time?

- Well it's a little new
for me, you know,

it's the first
party I've been to

since me and Pete broke up.

- Oh you wanna know what
would make you feel better?

- Find a guy, take him home,

and jump his bones
until my bed collapses?

- I was gonna suggest a brownie.

Vicki are you sure that's
what you wanna do?

- You always try and do
this, get out of my head.

Come on, I don't
wanna think tonight,

I wanna get crazy.

The first hot guy I
see is going home to

Brooklyn for the
night of his life.

- What's going on?

- This Hindu just
found a window.

Gandhi's gonna get some candy.

See how it's funny because...

- Yeah, I get it.

- Simon our first party as
a couple, isn't it romantic?

- You know Nina,

I can't really remember the
last time I had so much fun.

- Oh that is so sweet.

- No really I can't
remember I...

- Simon, sweetheart.

- Oh Penny.

- How are you?

- I'm great, this is
my girlfriend Nina.

- And you are?

- Penny. Simon
and I are old friends.

- Oh.

- I'm just gonna go throw
my coat in the bedroom.

- Oh it's just down the hall.

- I know where the bedroom is.

- It's not what it looks like.

We used to have sex.

- This is my new
cat, Furdinand, F-U-R.

A thank you.

- I love cats.

- You know what's
amazing, the big cats.

- I go on hunting
safaris in Africa.

- You kill poor animals.

- Uh huh.

Is there a problem with that?

- Hey Boop.

- Hey, so are you
having a good time?

- Sweet rockin' party,

but sometimes don't you
wanna just stop thinking,

meet someone hot, take
them home, and just get wild?

- Oh I know exactly
what you mean.

I'm gonna go hit
on Fred Flintstone.

- Cluck.

- Hey is that one of
Simon's music awards?

- Oh yeah, you see that
pirate chick up there?

- Yeah.

- I'm about to bludgeon her
to death with, best album 1983.

- That's crazy.

- Oh I know, Synchronicity
should have won hands down,

but if you'll excuse me I
have to go kill a whore.

- No give me that.

- You don't understand.

That is one of
Simon's old girlfriends.

- But he's with you now.

If you act jealous you're
just gonna push him away.

- Be above it, be gracious.

- You know what?

I'm just gonna wait an
hour and see if I'm still upset.

- That is a very healthy,
mature way to approach this.

- Yes, and plus
that's how long the

little red pills
take to kick in.

- Nina.

I want you to be
completely honest with me.

- All right, your
magic is annoying,

and I ran over an
old lady with your car.

- No, I mean why can't I
get anywhere with Kelly.

- Oh Jack no man can
get anywhere with Kelly,

because she's a lesbian.

- A lesbian? Are you sure?

- Oh yes, she's as gay
as the law will allow.

- I thought you said
she was a lesbian.

- Can I tell you something?

- Sure.

- I think you are the
sexiest woman here.

- Hey did you just say
I'm a really sexy lady?

- Sure, you're
cute, you're funny,

you're exactly the
kind of girl I like.

- Really?

- Yeah, just the
slightest bit masculine,

but all woman.

Wait here, I'm gonna
go get us some drinks.

- Okay.

- Dennis, you never
cease to amaze me.

- How did you get a
lesbian to fall for you?

- She thinks I'm a girl.

- She thinks he's a girl.

This is better than the time
we saw him try to do a pushup.

- Or the time you caught
him sleeping with your wife.

- That wasn't funny.

- It was to us.

- You guys, what am I gonna do?

- Well you're gonna have
to tell her that you're a man.

I mean she's gonna
find out sooner our later.

You are a man aren't you?

- Yes, I'm a man Nina.

- Oh there you are.

- Oh darling I've
hardly seen you.

Is everything all right?

- Oh yeah, I was just telling

Maya how secure
and independent I feel.

- Hey Simon, I brought
yous some champagne.

- Oh how sweet.

Oh Maya this is Penny,
she's just very generous.

They brought Simon a drink.

- That's nice.

- Yes, because then if he
gets drunk and topples over,

her giant silicone airbags
can cushion the fall.

- Nina, gracious.

So how long have
you known Simon.

- Forever, you know your
place it looks different.

- Yes well, everything
looks different

when you're standing
up with your panties on.

- Hey Kelly can I talk to you.

- Yes, first, let
me give you this.

Now what did you
want to tell me?

- I've really bad crams,
do you have any Midol?

- So you travel all around the
world, that sounds fantastic.

- Hey kids, so where's the
rest of the Village People?

That's funny because...
- We get it.

- You know this guy?

- Oh I work with him.

So you went to Australia and...

- That's right I'm a
fashion photographer.

- Tad is a professional surfer.

Anyway...
- Oh surfing that's cool,

so you're sort of
like a beach bum?

- Last year I mad four
million in endorsements.

- Oh so you feel the need
to announce that all the time?

- You know what,
I'm gonna get a beer.

- What the hell are you doing.

- Come on what kind of
life could you have with him?

He's married to the sea.

- Hey hey hey, I saw
you talking to Vicki,

did you find your window?

- A giant window.

- I overheard you guys
talking before about

how all she really wants
is to have a wild night.

- You're despicable.

- What?

- What, you pick the
night where she's confused

and vulnerable to exploit her?

When are you gonna
stop manipulating women?

- Come on baby
don't be like that.

- I thought you said
you she was different.

- She is.

- Okay then treat her that way.

If you really cared about her,

then you would know
that tonight's not the night

that she needs some horny guy

working some
sleazy angle with her.

You're better than that.

- There you are, whew,
thank you much better.

- At least you know
you're not pregnant.

- I know thank god right?

I mean I want to be a mom, I do,

it's just not right now,
I'm a career girl, hello.

- What is wrong with men?

- I know, with their back
hair and their fat fingers, yuck.

- You know what Elliot's doing?

- No but why don't
you tell me tomorrow.

Ooh tomorrow's bad
I'm getting a bikini wax.

- Hey you know what I wanna do?

Let's find an
empty room, - Okay.

- And get out of
these stupid costumes.

- Oh I do believe in magic.

- Oops.

- Stop, talk to me.

- I'm leaving there's
nothing else to say.

- But it's our party,
whatever I did I'm sorry.

- Look you didn't do anything.

I saw you with that
woman and I got jealous.

- But Penny and I
are ancient history,

we're like the sphinx
or the pet shop boy.

- Yeah well it still bothers me,

and she's just one woman
you're this huge rockstar,

I mean you've
slept with everyone.

- That's not true.

- Really?

- Excuse me, how many people
have slept with Simon Leeds?

- Well so what?

How many people here have
slept with Nina Van Horn?

- Just for the record,

I only went to second
base with the unicorn.

- Look we've both
been around the block,

but we're gonna have to
deal with each other's pasts,

but it's worth it to me.

- It's worth it to me too.

- You have a fabulous ass.

- Oh Simon you always
know just what to say.

- Okay, great.

I think they'll leave
us alone in here.

Just so you know these are real.

They may be itty bitty,
but they're all mine.

Oh no.

Come get me girlfriend.

Oh yeah.

- Let's get you out
of this costume.

- Oh stop, no.

- What's the matter?

- Um why don't you get started
by yourself, I like to watch.

- Okay.

Now get over here.

- I can't.

- All right, then I'll
come over there.

- No no I have to use
the little girl's room.

Two seconds.

Oh tape, tape.

Come on.

Oh think, think.

Sam Donaldson, Sam Donaldson.

Oh why isn't this working?

Oh okay.

- Oh darn, I'm sorry but
that Sam Donaldson thing,

it really threw me.

- Well it's about time.

Now, where were we?

Oh that's right, I was
gonna show you this.

- Oh my god.

I have the same bra.

(passionate noises)

- What the hell is that?

- I found it Nina's drawer.

Isn't it life-like?

Wait.

I'm a girl.

- So you all set?

- Yeah let's get out of here.

- Hey can I talk
to you a second?

- What do you want?

- I don't think you
should do this.

- Why so I could
go home with you.

- No.

- Elliot I'm not an idiot,

you've been hitting
on me all night.

- I know.

And I don't have an ounce
of credibility right now,

but I'm looking at that
guy you're leaving with,

and I see myself.

I mean sure he's
taller and wealthier,

and probably didn't wear
water wings until he was 22.

What you do tonight
is none of my business,

but I just want you
to stop and think,

because I do care about you.

I mean is going home
with a guy like that

gonna make you feel better?

- Tad, I'm gonna
hang out for a while.

- What happened?

- You heard the lady,
beach boy, go hang ten.

Surf's not on, you just wiped
out, here catch this wave.

- Elliot you are one
strange man, but thank you.

- Buy you a cup of coffee?

Friends.

- Okay.

So water wings, huh?

What's up with that?

- Yeah I have a buoyancy
problem, my legs don't float.

- Everything all right?

- Yeah, rough night,
I lied to this girl,

and told her I was a
lesbian, I'm not a lesbian.

- Good, because I've
been watching you all night,

and you are one
smoking hot lady.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I'm gonna do

♪ It's gotta mind of it's own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you