Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 3 - Nina and the Rocker - full transcript

Nina dates a rock star and tries not to sleep with him on the first date. Maya tries to get Vicky to open up about her broken marriage. Jack gets a pocket watch, and gifts Elliott with a ...

- [Dennis] Oh hey, Vicky.

(glass shattering)

Oh, clumsy me!

- What am I, an idiot?

You did that so I would
bend over while you watch.

- Did I? Or did I do it

so I would bend
over while you watch?


- Dennis, what's that body
part that sounds dirty but isn't?

- Uvula.

- Thank you.

- Okay, nobody freak out.

Simon Leads is
here, he's in the studio

right now, as we speak.

- A rock star, big deal.

- Dad, it is a big deal!

He's had six platinum
albums and he's been knighted,

which is wicked, wicked cool!

- Those rockers are pathetic.

Surrounded by fawning
groupies and yes men

who tell you just
what you want to hear.

Isn't that right, Dennis?

- Absolutely chief,
you've done it again.

(snaps fingers)

- It took me forever
to get to work.

I swear that is the last time

I let Danny Glover
hail me a cab.

- I'm so glad you're here.

Elliot needs you to approve
the wardrobe for Simon Leads.

- I told you, I don't want
to go anywhere near

that over-toasted
English muffin.

- What do you have
against Sir Simon?

- All right, in 1975 Sir
Simon spilled a bloody mary

all over my one of a
kind white Halston dress.

- Nina, that was 25 years ago.

- The point is he
never apologized

to me for ruining the dress,

or to David Bowie who happened
to be wearing it at the time.


- What about urethra?

- Dirty.

- Okay.

(guitar music)

- All right, come on, Simon.

Let me see that
rock n roll sexuality.

I'm a groupie, I'm coming
on stage, coming after you.

- You're freaking me out, man.

- You know, when I was
little I used to fantasize

about marrying Simon Leads.

- Oh god, I'm so sorry.

- What?

- I was talking about marriage
and yours just fell apart.

- Actually, I'm doing all right.

- You know, I'm pretty
much the person around here

that people come to with
their relationship issues.

Some people use the word guru.


I don't. So talk to me.

- I don't want to.


- All right I'm here,
let's get this over with.

- All right, what do
you think of this, Nina?

- Too worn and cracked.

- All right, let's
lose the jacket.

- No, I meant his face.


- Nina!

- What's your bloody problem?

- You don't remember me, do you?

- Did we shag?


- Look, I am not
ashamed of the fact

that I've been with
quite a few men.

Hell, I even went to
second base with Meatloaf.

His breasts, not mine.

But the thought of touching
you makes my skin crawl.

- Who are you?

- 1975, bloody mary,
white Halston dress?

- Oh my god, you're David Bowie.

- I am Nina Van Horn, and
you owe me an apology.

You burned out, self
important fret squeezer.

- You can't talk to me that way!

- Oh, why? Because you're
the great Simon Leads?

- No, well yeah.

- Nina, get the hell
out of my studio.

- Oh, my pleasure.

- Look, hold on, you!

Seriously, nobody
talks to me this way.

The weird thing
is I kind of like it.


Let me take you out to lunch.

- Oh, you think you can
buy me off with food?

- Yeah, food and lunch.

Doesn't that get in
the way of the drinking?

- I'll grab my purse.


(upbeat music)

- Everyone's making a real fuss

over this Simon, aren't they?

- Yeah, that chunky girl in
PR threw her panties at him.

- There was a time chunky girls

in PR threw their panties at me.


- Of course, but back then
they were called bloomers

and the Wright brothers
owned a bike shop, continue.

- The point is I've let
my image get stale.

I think I need to spruce
things up with a new accessory.

- How about a monocle?

Worked for Colonel Clink.

- The character was a Nazi.

- Not just any Nazi,
TV's funniest Nazi.

- I got it, a pocket watch.

It's classy, it's eye-catching.

- You know who else wore
a monocle? Mr. Peanut.

- I'm not getting a monocle!

- Mr. Peanut wasn't a Nazi!

He's a legume.

- Just get me the pocket watch.


I know it was you, Dennis,
but I appreciate the gesture.

(upbeat music)

- Fine, Pete, you want
half the CDs? Take them!

- You know what I think?

I think your anger at Pete
isn't just about the CDs.

- You know, that's
the kind of insight

that's gonna turn
my life around.

- Sarcasm is just tears
wrapped up in sandpaper.

- What is wrong with you?

- You know, retreating is
just advancing in reverse!

What is wrong with me?

- That was so much fun.

It's great finally going out
with someone my own age

instead of some 25 year old.

- Yeah, I feel the same way.

- I mean, you're
like two 25 year olds,

or three 17 year
olds, but better

because we can
fit in a small car.

You're fantastic, I can't
wait to see you tonight.

I should be thinking
of nothing else.

- Shall I call to remind you?

- Yes, probably a good idea.


- Whoa, you two look like
you're really hitting it off!

- It's amazing, we just like,

we led the same lives,
we knew the same people,

we went to the same parties.

- Oh, I wish I was old
enough to party in the 70s.

- Oh, don't feel bad, Mia.

You wouldn't have
been invited anyway.


Tonight is going to be epic.

- Oh, may I make
a little suggestion?

I think you shouldn't
sleep with Simon tonight.

- Not sleep with him?

But that's like telling
Picasso not to paint

or telling Michael
Jordan not to jump

or telling you not to -

what is it that you do
again that people like?

- I'm very good at Scrabble.


- I don't know what that is.

- Look, Simon liked
you because you didn't

treat him like other women.

What would other
women do? Sleep with him.

So you shouldn't, that
way if he's still interested,

you'll know there's
more to the relationship.

- Interesting, there were
some girls in my high school

who used to do that.

And their boyfriends
were so good in bed.

- All right people,
gather round.

Quick meeting with Mr. Gallow,

he'd like to talk to you.

Before you start, do you by
any chance have the time?

- As a matter of
fact, Dennis, I do.

- It's 3:40.

- Damn it, he stole
my affectation.

- Don't worry, Jack,
got you covered.


(upbeat music)

- The truth is I'm
just an ordinary guy.

I mean, for example,
I love gardening.

- Really?

- Oh, absolutely.

I love to get out there
in the dirt and say,

"Hey you with the
boots and spade,

put that thing in the hole
and make me a tomato."


I love your laugh.

- Oh, as do I.

- This has been fantastic.

Would you like to
come in for some sex?

- You don't mince words, do you?

- Well actually,
I've mellowed a bit.

I used to just drop my trousers

and say it's time to
meet the governor.


- Well, this is
a little awkward.

Normally I would welcome
the chance for a British invasion.

But I think we should wait.

- Are you turning me down?

- I am.

- Are you turning me down?

- I am.

- Are you turning me down?

- Will you stop saying that?

- I love it!

- What?

- Well, half the
fun is the chase

and I haven't had to chase
anyone in over 30 years.

It's completely hot.

- No, no, no.
Simon, I'm serious.

I'm really not going to
sleep with you tonight.

- Well, I wouldn't. Even
if you wanted me to.

- Wow, that is kind of hot.

- Isn't it?

- I should probably tell you

that I'm not going
to kiss you now.

- And I should probably tell you

that I'm not gonna
kiss you ever.

- I'm also not going to
undo your shirt so slowly

that you think you're gonna
die if it takes another second.

- And I should probably tell you

that I'm not gonna
rip yours off so fast

you'll question your belief
in the existence of buttons.

- I am certainly
not going to tell you

that I'm wearing a
lace thong right now.

- I'm certainly not gonna
tell you that I am as well.

- Okay, this isn't
really helping.

- Not a bit.

- Maybe I should go.

- All right, this
has been fantastic.

I'll call you tomorrow.

- Yeah, I'd like that.

- Good night, Nina.

- Good night, Simon.

Good night, governor.

(upbeat music)

- For you, it's a wristwatch.

- Wow, thanks Jack!

- I've seen you struggling
with that old pocket watch.

You know, in your
pocket, out of your pocket,

in your pocket.

I thought to myself, this
guy needs the convenience

of time on his wrist.

- The thing is, the watch
was my grandfather's,

and there are so
many great memories.

Like this one time
when I was a kid,

I couldn't stop crying
and Poppy pulled it out,

looked at it, and said,

"Ellie, it's not time for
crying, it's time for ice cream."

He was right, it was.

- That's a nice story.

- He was a sweet man.

- Lose the pocket watch.


- Excuse me?

- Look, I just bought this.

- So?

- So I didn't spend
a fortune on this

just to have it look
like I copied you.

- Well, you did copy me.

If anyone should be
losing the watch, it's you.

- Elliot, Ellie.

I don't want this to
be a time for crying.

Which it could very easily be.

- Are you threatening me?

- Elliot, Ellie. Yup.

- Here you go,
compliments of Jack.

- What, a hot towel?

- His way of saying
no hard feelings.

- I don't want a
stupid hot towel.

I want to be able to
reach in my pocket,

think of my grandfather,
and be happy.

- You're one sick dude.

- Hot towel?

- Thank you.

- So how did it go last night?

- Amazing. I mean,
we were this close,

but I conquered temptation
and it hasn't affected me a bit.

- See? You don't have to
sleep with someone right away.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, you took
relationship advice from Mia?

Good idea, cause men
are swarming all over her.

- The point is, you
did the right thing.

- Did he call?

- He will.


- All right. You know
what I do when I'm out

with a girl and she
doesn't put out?

- You don't pay her.


- So I just want to applaud
everyone on last month's-

- I'm sorry to interrupt.

- Damn it, Dennis,
I was talking.

- I know, it's just there's
somewhere I need to be

and I don't have a watch,

I was wondering
if you had the time.

- For you, of course.

- It's 5:30, Finch.


- Excuse me, Nina,
these came for you.

- Oh, thank you.

- Oh, a bouquet of flowers.

That must bring up a
lot of memories for you.

- I'm this close to hitting you.

- Okay.

- Nina, I thought a call
would make you feel

like every other girl, but
you're much more than that.

You rock, and I
should know. Simon.

You hear that, Finch? I rock!

- Yeah, in a chair, maybe.

- Come on, Mia, let's go
to your office and celebrate.

- I am so happy for you.

- Well, don't be. I
sent myself the flowers.

Simon hasn't called.

- Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

I know how you feel.

- Well, of course you
do, but men like me.

I'm not used to this.

- Nina.

- And I'm sorry, it's just
when I get upset I lash out,

you stupid troll.

That hurt me much
more than it hurt you.

- I don't think so.

- Look, I have been
happily single for a long time,

but this guy, I don't know,

I just felt like we
had this connection,

and I guess I was wrong.

- Nina, some people
think of me as a guru.

- Don't start.

You know, I've had this fantasy.

Simon and I have just made love

and I walk to the balcony
and open up the french doors,

and as the wind sweeps
across my naked body,

I look out and know
that no one out there

is as content as I am.

- I think I have something
that might ease the pain.

- Oh good, because
my guy in Mexico

just got shot at the border.

- A box of tissues, a
pounder bag of Skittles,

and Journey's greatest hits.

- Mia, I was dumped by a
rock star, not an eighth grader.


- Look, don't start in
on me about Pete again,

I just - is that Journey?

- Yeah, why?

- Just one of the CDs me
and Pete used to listen to.

No big deal, always
thought the wheel in the sky

would keep
turning, but it didn't.

- Aw.

- I know.

- Oh god, are we gonna
start lactating now?

- Mia, I appreciate
what you're trying to do,

but I don't cry over
men, I make men cry.

- Nina seemed pretty
upset, let me guess.

Sent herself the flowers,
Simon hasn't called.


That's awesome.

Hey, is that Journey?

- Greatest Hits.

= Allison Camva.

- [Simon] Oh, hello love.

- Sorry I didn't call first,

apparently there's something
wrong with your phone.

- What the hell are you doing?

- You said you'd call!

- Well I meant to, I'm just not

the kind of guy
who calls a woman!

- I am not a woman.

- Oh my god, not again.


- Oh, I know, maybe
I'll burn something.

- You know what? I'm
glad I didn't call you.

You're out of your bloody mind!

- Hello, mister guitar.

- Seriously, I'm this
close to calling the police.

- Oh, go ahead.

But don't expect me to help
you flush your back medicine

down the toilet
before they get here.

- You're insane.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Do you know the slightest thing

about setting a guitar on fire?

First you need a touch of booze,

and then you light
the body, not the neck.

That is how you light a guitar.

And if we're gonna be together,

you're gonna have
to know these things.

- We're gonna be together?

- Yeah, you're
crazy. You're perfect.


- [Nina] God, it's so hot!

- [Simon] Oh baby, I
know what you mean.

- [Nina] No, I mean
my foot is on fire.

- Where is it, Jack?

- Where's what?

- My watch. It's missing,
I know you took it.

- I don't have your watch.

- Fine, how's that
feel? Now I have yours.

- I didn't take
your watch, Elliot.

- There, how do you like that?

Now neither one of us has one.

- What is wrong with you?

- It's the Chicago way!

You put one of
mine in the hospital,

I put one of yours
in the morgue.

You steal one of my
watches, I break one of yours.

- You're not from Chicago.

- I've visited.

Face it, Jack, for
once you didn't win. Ha!

- Elliot?

- What?

- What's that dangling
from the back of your coat?

- It must have gotten caught.

I'm sorry Jack, I feel awful.

- That's not gonna bring
my watch back, is it?

- Well, there is this watch.

I mean sure, it's a
priceless family heirloom

left to me by my beloved
grandfather on his death bed.

All I have to remember him by.

I mean, if it'll make
you feel better.

- It would.


- All right Jack, I
guess we're done.

- Wait, I can't take
your watch, here.

- Thanks.

- Let's forget this
silliness, have a cigar.

- Oh no thanks, I
started smoking this.

Thought it looked kind of cool.

It was my uncle's.

- Is he alive?

- Yeah.

- Give me the pipe.

♪ Just a small town girl,
living in the lonely world ♪

♪ She took the midnight
train, going anywhere ♪

♪ Just a city boy, born
and raised in South Detroit ♪

♪ He took the midnight
train, going anywhere ♪

- Hello? Nina, where are you?

She's with Simon!

- Hold me.

- It's amazing, it's
like, I don't know.

Like my fantasy is
actually happening.

- [Onlooker] Hey, nice cans!

- Oh, and it just got better!

(upbeat music)

♪ Life keeps bringing
me back to you ♪

♪ Keeps bringing me home ♪

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do ♪

♪ Cause it's got
a mind of its own ♪

♪ Life keeps bringing
me back to you ♪