Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 24 - Strange Bedfellows - full transcript

Finch and Elliot become rivals over a mutual male friend whom they both have an emotional connection with. Nina's dead friend Binnie shows up in her dreams.

- Okay, last order of business,

our magazine is being harassed.

Has anyone heard of
a feminist organization

called Women on Women?

- Oh, yeah, I checked
out their newsletter.

It's not what you think.

No lesbians, boo.

- They're threatening
a boycott of Blush.

According to them we
promote bad body image.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.

We promote good body image.

Thanks to us and the
do-gooders at Maxim,

more women than ever
are ashamed of being fat.

- Um, I think what
they're saying, Nina,

is that women are
more than their bodies

and shouldn't have
to be objectified.

- Chesty has a point.

- Maya, I'd like you
to talk to these people

and try and get
them off my back.

- Fine, I'll see what I can do,

but, as the poet Adrienne
Rich once pointed out...

- Great, meeting adjourned.

- Hey, I'm sorry I
missed the meeting.

I was having coffee
with my new buddy Jake,

and I just lost track
of time, you know?

- You weren't there?

- You see this kind of mocking?

See, I don't get that
from my friend Jake.

In fact, we were just
talking about our fathers,

and it was so intense,

it was so intense,
we actually cried.

- If you had sex with this
guy while watching Cabaret

it would be less gay.

- You know, it is so sad
that you can't even conceive

of two heterosexual
men having a legitimate

emotional connection.

- I'm plenty sensitive
with my guy friends.

The other day, Kevin
fell over the railing

and bounced down
two flights of stairs.

I tried really
hard not to laugh.

- Is he alright?

- He broke some ribs.

- Maya Gallo?

- Yes.

- Naomi Bergson, Women on Women.

- Oh my God.

It is such an honor to meet you.

I saw you speak when
I was at Columbia,

and it completely shaped
the way I think about myself

as a woman.

- Aw, I'm very flattered.

A little surprised, though,
given you work for Blush.

Oh, well, uh,

I guess back then
I didn't see myself

working at a fashion
magazine either, but...

- The money was good,
and a gal's gotta eat.

- Exactly.

- You're a whore.

- Excuse me?

- I'm sorry to be
so blunt, Maya,

but you've
sacrificed your morals

to peddle sex for a living.

What does that
sound like to you?

- I do not think it's fair
to say that I peddle sex.

- Your lead article reads,
"Sex, don't give it away,

"make him pay for it."

- That title is ironic.

It's not an article about
trading sex for money.

It's about getting respect,

in the form of dinner and gifts,

oh my God, I'm a whore.

- Oh, Simon, my darling.

We are so lucky to
have found each other.

- I know.

Every day I think about
that chubby little boy

who shot an arrow into my heart.

- Yeah, Cupid.

- No, it's Arthur Dinsdale.

Fat little bastard
nearly killed me.

Sweet dreams, darling.

- I hope so.

I've been having
trouble sleeping lately.

I took six of these,
but so far they haven't...

Hello, Nina.

- Binnie, I thought
you were dead.

I am dead.

I'm visiting you
from the afterworld.

Dimethyl Hydro Sulfazine.

Isn't that an
elephant tranquilizer?

- They're very hard to find.

I had to switch veterinarians.

I see you still wear
makeup to bed.

- And, I see even
God couldn't fix that

Mexican facelift of yours.


- Lush.

I miss you.

- God, I miss you, too.

Anyway, I'm here because

I've seen the future, Nina.

You're gonna cheat on Simon.

- What?!

No, no, I would never.

Yes, you will.

It'll be with a tall man
who'll be carrying a box.

You'll find him irresistible.

- No, but I don't want
to cheat on Simon.

He's the love of my life.

I would never do
anything to hurt him.

I've seen the future, Nina.

You will cheat on Simon.

You will cheat on Simon.


- Why are you talking like that?

Just look scared.

My supervisor's watching.


- What's the matter?

- Uh, nothing, nothing,
it was just a bad dream.

- Oh, what about?

- Uh, well, we were
at war with Poland,

and Russia and
Scandinavia, and it was awful!

You couldn't get vodka anywhere!

- But, we were
still on good terms

with Thailand and
Jamaica, right?

Oh, thank God.

- So, how did it go with that
woman from the feminist group?

- She has a name, Naomi,

and she's capable of doing as
much as you or any other man.

I'm sorry you're so
threatened by that.

- Okay.

So, what did Naomi have to say?

- That they would be
willing to call off the boycott

if Blush agreed to
certain concessions.

- Like?

- They want you to
devote an entire issue

to the negative body
image in American women.

All the models have
to be plus-sized,

all the articles have
to be about problems

like eating disorders.

- And, this ties
into orgasms how?

- It doesn't.

- Well, who the
hell is this woman,

trying to shove her crazy
ideas down my throat?

- Actually, they were my ideas.

- What?

Now, she's turned my
own daughter against me.

- Oh, I haven't been
turned against you.

- Are you wearing a button
that says, "Bash Blush?"

- They had sweaters
and caps, too.

Alright, that's it!

You can tell your friend
I'm not changing a thing!

And, if I lose so much as one
penny because of her boycott,

I'm suing her organization
into the ground!

- Threatening is not gonna
make this go away, Dad!

They are a powerful,
well-funded organization.

You're gonna
have to talk to her.

- Fine, but just so we're
clear, Maya, this is business.

And, as long as
you're in their camp,

expect me to treat you as I
would any other ruthless foe.

- I'm just gonna go
grab some lunch.

- Wear a scarf, it's chilly.

- Maya, you have
an advanced degree.

You've studied a lot of science.

Answer me this:

How many chickens do I
need to kill to get rid of a ghost?

- What are you talking about?

- My dead friend Binnie
visited me in a dream

and told me that I was
going to cheat on Simon.

- Oh, Nina, come on, ghosts?

That was just your unconscious

working out some
fears of commitment.

- Oh, Maya, how I wish I
could live in your fairy-tale world

of unicorns and moon landings.

But, I'm afraid we
grownups have to grapple

with a little thing
called reality.

I'm just gonna have to tell
Simon that a dead woman

told me I would sleep with
a tall man carrying a box.

- Hey, Nina, this came for you.

- I can't fight fate.

Just get naked and
meet me in my office.

- Oh my God!

Make-A-Wish got my letter!

- Nina, get hold of yourself!

You're in control
of your destiny!

You don't have to
sleep with Kevin!

- Mom, pick up the phone!

You'll never guess
what just happened!

- Maybe you're right.

- See, you do have free will.

- No, it's been foretold.

Somewhere out there
is a man waiting for me

to accept his package.

- We are too in love!

You shut up!

- Hey, is Elliot around?

- Aw, no, sorry, man, he's not.

- Would you mind telling
him Jake dropped by?

- Oh, you're Jake.

- Yeah, why, he mentioned me?

Yeah, of course.

You're the one he has the
deep emotional connection with.

- And that seems weird to you.

- Ha, well, maybe I'm
a little old-fashioned,

but I don't cry in
front of another dude

unless I'm trying to get
out of a speeding ticket.

- You're funny, you know that?

- Eh, yeah.

- But, then, we have to
be funny as guys, don't we?

I mean, no one
wants to hear about it

when we're vulnerable
or frightened.

I bet your whole life
you always had to be

the funniest guy around,
'cause no one really cared

when you had something
serious going on, in here.

- My father never hugged me.

It's alright.

Hey, Finch, is my dad...

- Don't you say dad!

- Just a second.

Oh, hey, pumpkin, what's up?

- Well, I was just wondering
how you and Naomi

were getting along.

- Uh...

- We're still feeling
each other out.

- Hey, did Jake call?

- Nope.

- Huh, he mentioned we
might go to the Knicks game

last night, and when
I called he was out.

- Hm, well, I certainly wouldn't
know anything about that.

- Is that a Knicks program?

- Oh my God, it
is, that's weird.

Hey, well, off to work with you.

Those models aren't
gonna shoot themselves,

til their late 20s, anyhow.

- This was from
last night's game.

You went out with
Jake, didn't you?

- Fine, he gets me, okay?

He understands my
shadow side, is that a crime?

- He's my friend.

- Well, when you called
last night he had no problem

letting the machine pick it up.

- You were at his place?

- Oh, yeah.

- Big deal, I've been to
his place a dozen times.

- I bet you dig
that cool pool table.

- I do, I dig his pool table.
- Yeah, it's nice.

- That's right.
- Too bad he doesn't have

a pool table, moron!

You never been there!

- You just stay away
from him, Finch, alright?

I met him first.

You find your own friends.

- Fine, I got all the guy
friends I need anyhow.

Hey, Kevin, how ya doin' buddy?

You feeling alright
since that fall?

- Well, since you asked,

my left arm keeps
slipping out of the socket,

and I keep seeing
these weird lights...

- Yakety yak, I didn't ask
for your life story, dude.

- Oh, good morning, dear.

How are you this morning?

- Oh, just fine, and you?

- Are you upset about something?

- I find it difficult
to understand why,

under the circumstances,
you would sleep with my father.

I mean, doesn't that
compromise your position?

- Why?

Are you suggesting that
just because I'm a woman

having sex would
weaken my stand?

- Well, no, but...

- If you wanna know
the truth, I think we made

some key breakthroughs
this morning in the shower.

- Oh, there you are.

- Good morning, Pookie.

- You're the Pookie.

Oh, no I'm not!

- I hate to interrupt, but can
we get down to business?

- Strawberry, my dear?

- Mm.

Mm, that's as sweet as you are.

- Mm-mm.
- Try it.

- Mm.
- Mm.

- Oh, my God, if one of
you picks up a banana,

I'm just gonna shoot myself.

Can we focus here?

Now, we would like Blush
to devote an entire issue

to negative body image in women.

- I'll give you one feature

and a plus-size
model on the cover.

- Oh, that is insulting!

We will not even dignify
that with that with a response!

- We'll take it.


- Seems like a fair compromise.

So, I'll see you at dinner?

- Pick you up at eight.

- I can't believe you
would sleep with Naomi

just to get her off your back.

- I happen to find
her a very interesting

and attractive woman.

- She may fall for
your act, but not me!

You still got a fight
ahead of you, mister!

I will not back down!

- You still coming
to dinner on Friday?

- Yes, and I will
bring the green beans

with the crunchies on top!

- Hello, Simon.

- Hello, love.

Why the long face?

- Well, I'm afraid
that I have something

rather difficult to tell you.

There's another man.

- Who is he?

- I don't know yet.

He'll be carrying a
box when we meet,

so he could be anything from
a pizza man to a pallbearer.

- Nina, who's been putting
this nonsense into your head?

Some daft psychic or some
crazy Tarot card reader?

- No, a dead friend
came to me in a dream.

- Oh, my God, that is serious.

- I am so glad you understand.

- Do I.

Mama Cass has been
haunting my dreams for years.

You tell one joke while
someone's wolfing down

a ham sandwich, they
stay pissed at you forever.

- Oh, Simon, I am so sorry.

I mean, I have no idea why
I would ever cheat on you.

I swear it is the furthest
thing from my mind.

- Well, who was this
friend who came to you?

I mean, what was she like?

- Oh, well, Binnie was,

was vain, selfish, spiteful,

vindictive, competitive.

God, she was
impossible not to love.

- Wait a minute, Nina.

If Binnie was all those
things while she was alive,

the odds are she's
still all those things

now that she's dead.

- Really?

- Oh, absolutely.

Studies show that people
grow very little emotionally

once they're deceased.

Maybe she didn't see the future.

Maybe she just doesn't
want to see you happy.

- Woah, maybe you're right.

I mean, she could never
stand it when I had a boyfriend,

and then she went crazy when
I started dating her husband.

- There you are, you see,
it's really nothing after all.

- Oh, Simon, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

You, you are always so
wise about these things.

- Well, I have been declared
clinically dead four times,

so I'm a bit of an expert.

- You know why
football's the best sport?

- Hmm?

- Because it demands
more than skill.

It demands strategy.

- Yeah, I hear ya.

You know what else
marries hand-eye coordination

with strategic planning?

Knitting a sweater.

- Once again, thanks
for hooking me up.

- Ah, you're lucky I had
a mannequin in your size.

- Listen, I'm gonna
go sign us up

for the dart board, alright?

- Alright.

Hey, you know, my
dad loved to throw darts.

He loved to throw
a lot of things.


- Hey, Finch.

- Huh!

Elliot, what are you doing here?

- I came to get a beer, why?

What's up?

- Hey, Finch, you
would not believe,

oh, hey, Elliot!

- Hello, Jake.

Thought you had that
rock-climbing class tonight.

- Oh, you know what, that's
actually tomorrow night.

I made a mistake.

Sure ya did!

- Elliot, let's not
make a scene here.

- Oh, like I'd give
you the satisfaction.

- Guys, what's going on here?

Why are you acting this way?

- Oh, I don't know, maybe
because I thought we were buddies?

Special buddies,
but apparently, oh,

you'll be buddies with
any guy who comes along.

- He likes me more,
it's no big deal.

- I don't like you more.

- You don't?

What, is this some game to you?

- Guys, can't we
just all be friends?

- So, what, you want us
both at the same time?

- Oh, yeah, you'd
like that, wouldn't ya.

That'd be real nice.

- Okay, you guys
are freaking me out.

- You know, things were
great until you came along.

- You can't see me happy.

- Oh please, I can see you...
- I'm out of here.

- No, no, wait, don't, don't go!

Don't go!
- Hey, that sweater's

dry clean only.

Hey, dude.

- I'll have a beer.

- What happened?

Were we just
fighting over a guy?

- I don't know.

I mean, maybe, you know, as men,

we're so uncomfortable
with sharing our feelings that,

you know, when I guy
really listens and cares

we just realize how starved
we are for it, you know?

- Well, maybe we could be
there for each other more.

- When I wake up and
find hair on my pillow, I cry.

- Every Christmas I get
drunk, and I wash my Grandma.

Mm, uh, I'm gonna go.

- Yeah, let's not
mention this again,

- Nope.

- Boycott Blush.

Blush magazine contributes
to the negative body image

of American women.

Big is beautiful!

- And, what size are you, honey?

- Well, I'm a two, but I
recently porked up from a zero.

- Maya, let's stop.

It's freezing, and no one cares.

- Come on, Michelle,
we've gotta stay and fight!

I mean, Kevin's a guy,
and he's helping us out.

- Well, I'm just waiting
for my mom to pick me up.

We're going to buy pants.

You wanna come?

- Sure.

- Okay, fine, go ahead,
I'll just do it myself,

because this is important!

- How's the protest going?

- Oh, is that
supposed to be funny,

'cause I'm here all by myself?

I had 30 plus-size girls here
before Krispy Kreme opened.

- Maya, I agreed
to a cover story,

and it was good
enough for Naomi.

- Because you seduced her!

- Come on, she's an
intelligent, independent woman.

Do you honestly think
I could change her?

- Well, you've done it before.

- To who?

- To me!

Before I came to
Blush, I was radical

and poor and pissed off!

And now, I have this
good job and nice clothes

and some money, and I'm...

- Happy?

- Yes, what kind of
monster are you?!

- Maya, I think you've got
this idea that being angry

makes someone deep,
and it's just not true.

It's not a crime to be happy.

- I just wanna feel like
I make a difference.

- You do.

You're decent,
thoughtful, and honest.

And, your example
has influenced all of us.

Me, most of all.

- Thanks, Dad.

- I mean, look at Naomi.

Because of you, I'm
starting to get interested

in more mature women.

Women of substance.

- Good for you.

Go ahead.

- Oh, back again, huh?

What, you couldn't
get into Warhol's parties

up there, either?

I have seen the future.

- Alright, cut the crap.

You haven't seen anything.

You're just being your
normal, spiteful, bitchy self.

Well, I was bored.

Death sucks.

When are you coming?

- Oh, Bin, look,
I can understand

why you're jealous
of me and Simon.

I mean, God, it must be
lonely up there all by yourself.

By myself?!

Ha, that's a laugh,
you condescending slut!

You know who I'm dating now?

Jim Morrison.

- No!

Come on, baby,
let's get out of here.

Oh, Bin, you got
the fat version!

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you

♪ Keeps bringin' me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do, 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you, yeah