Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 23 - The Goodbye Girl - full transcript

Nina takes under her wing the female impersonator who's portraying her in a cabaret show.

- Good afternoon.

Yeah, obviously I've
had my hair done.

So, any thoughts?

- Oh my God, is the
Westminster Dog Show in town?

- All right, a word to the wise.

If you're stylist wants to know
how her ass looks in pants,

don't use expressions
like very fat.

- Oh my God, and
Grammys are tonight.

- Yes, and I am meeting
Simon in an hour.

What am I gonna do?

- Just keep your back arched
and your tail out, no barking.

- You know, I used to cut hair.

I could fix it.

- Look, just because
for a couple of years

you shellacked bangs
at the Acme Hair Palace

doesn't mean getting
anywhere near this.

- I'll do it only if I
can keep the hair.

- Vicki, you're my gal.

Oh, and in case
I didn't mention it,

your ass looks
fabulous in those pants.

- Thanks, I've
been jumpin' rope.

- Mom, Mom calm down.

I'm not goin' to Uncle
Sal's birthday party.

Don't, don't pull
that one again.

I know it was hard
to give birth to me.

It's not my fault I was
born with a giant head.



- Dude, your coffee date's here.

- I have a coffee date?

- Hey, Elliot, you ready?

- Hey, I've been
thinkin' of nothin' else.

So where should we go, Sarah?

- That's not my name.

- I know that, baby.

- It's Kirsten, and
you're pathetic.

- Oh, what, just because
I forgot your name?

- Well, there's that,
and you're selfish in bed.

- I have a big
head, it limits me.

- So, Sarah's the
other girl you're dating?

- Yes, yes.

My mother's screaming
at me, I'm juggling women

and there's this pigeon
on my fire escape

that wakes me up at 5:00 a.m.

- Dude, what you
need is an assistant.

I could clear your
life up like that.

- You'd do that for me?

- Yeah, yeah, sure.

Tell ya what, all I need is
your Social Security card

and your mother's maiden name.

- Okay.

My mother's maiden
name is DiMauro.

- Well, her married
name is DiMauro.

- I know.

Oh, what, a lot of women
marry their second cousins.

- Yeah, that explains
that freaky head of yours.

- Hey, there she is.

We saw you on the
red carpet last night.

- You looked amazing.

- And I owe it all to you.

Now, when Joan Rivers asked me

who did my hair, what did I say?

- "This woman I work with."

- You're welcome.

- Well, it doesn't matter,

'cause when I saw your hair,

it felt like I was
on national TV.

- Hey, you know,
I've got a date tonight.

Can you do anything
with my hair?

- Oh, Maya, I would love to,

but I got this project for Jack.

- Oh, Vicki, work
will always be there,

but, well, it's been forever
since Maya had a man,

unless you count that night that

she nailed that crazy
ass husband of yours.

What, too soon?

- Finch, you're amazing.

A half day, and my life
already getting better.

My studio's organized,
my bills are paid

and this chicken salad you
made is so fresh and tender.

- That reminds
me, I don't think that

pigeon's gonna be
bothering you anymore.

All right, Friday, you
make dinner for Sarah.

Saturday night, you
go out with Kirsten.

- Yeah, but Kirsten's still
mad me for calling her Sarah.

- Oh, not anymore.

I told her the truth.

Sarah was your high school
girlfriend that died in a flood.

Here's her picture.

During dessert, whip it out,

cry a little it,
should seal the deal.

- Ma, ma, look I'm sorry about
Uncle Sal's birthday, okay?

- Oh, don't you
worry about that.

What you did for him is the
best present he could get.

- Well...
- Where did you find

a beautiful young Russian woman

who'd be interested in
such an obese old man?

- It was tough, Ma.

- And, she must
be very important.

Her beeper goes
off all the time.

- Uh, hi, hi.

I'm looking for Nina Van Horn.

- Oh, and you are?

- I'm Nina Man Horn.

I'm going to be playing her
in my drag show downtown.

- Wow, alternative lifestyles.

I think they're
really empowering.

Yea for you.

- Just get her.

- Okay.

- Well, hello there.

Tall, dark and beautiful.

Can I help you?

- No, I'm just
waiting for somebody.

- Oh, well your wait
is over, beautiful.

You know, my eyes
tell me you're a girl

with a little somethin' extra.

- Well, at least
until next spring.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know what
that means, but I like it.

I like it, it's hot.

- Will the one of me who's

an hallucination
please raise her hand.

Okay, as long as one
of me is here, I'm leaving.

- Nina, Nina, I'm Robert.

I'm going to play you in
a drag show downtown.

- Okay, just let
me get this straight.

So, you're a man who
uses his time and energy

to dress up as me
and then prance around

for the amusement of others.

- Uh huh.

- Yes!

I am a gay icon!

- And, ta da!

- Wow.

- Ah, oh my
gosh, it's beautiful.

- Wow, it looks so good - Oh.

- I'm almost not
staring at your boobs.

I mean, I am, but
it's just force of habit.

- Thank you so much, Vicki.

- Are you kidding?

I can't remember when
I've had so much fun.


- Oh, Jack, he wanted
my project an hour ago.

- He's gonna freak
if he sees this.

- I'll handle it.

- Is Vicki in there?

- I don't know.

- How do you now know?

You just came out of her office.

- That wasn't me.

- What's wrong with you?

- I don't know.

- Get out of my way.

- Okay.

- What's going on in here?

- Oh, we were just talking
about the bikini piece.

Maya had a great idea.

- There are these
new miracle fabrics

that are both form
fitting and water resistant.

- Seems complicated.

- There's gonna
be lots of cleavage,

women covered in
oil, eating bananas.

- I like it, it seems smart.

- We're walking and
we stop and we pose.

And we cast a disparaging glance

at that poor woman
with the gaudy jewelry.

And, glasses off.

- Oh, Nina, thank
you for teaching me.

- It is my pleasure.

You're like the daughter
with a penis that I never had.


- Oh my God.

- Hey, Maya.

- Hey.

What's goin' on?

- I'm gettin' highlights.

Vicki say it'll really
bring out my eyes.

- Uhm, Vicki?

- Hmm?

- One or two people is okay,

but don't you think this is
getting a little out of hand?

- I don't know.

Word got out,
but I gotta tell you,

I'm havin' the time of my life.

- But we work at a magazine.

- I know.

- I'm thinkin' about
leaving Blush.

- What are you saying?

- Maybe I want to go
back to cutting hair.

- Vicki, that's crazy.

- You know what's crazy?

Justin Timberlake likes to fish.

- So, have you told my
father that you want to leave?

- Not yet.

I'm dreading it,
but I know I have to.

- Listen, are you sure that
you're doing the right thing?

- Maya, I like it here,

but I've never really
felt comfortable.

You know, when I'm cutting hair,

I feel relaxed, I'm in control.

It just feels more like me.

Bet that sounds crazy to you.

- Actually, I
know what it's like

to wish that you were
doing something else.

Between you and me, I always
wanted to be an FBI agent.

- You?

- Yeah.

I even had a special
secret agent name.

Agent M.

And, I'd have my
Glock and I'd always be

the first one through the door.

I'd be like boom!

FBI, freeze,
sucker, this is a raid!

- Don't you ever do that again.

- All right, I'm outta here.

Thanks again for
everything today.

- Aw, you don't have to me
thank me, you already did.

You bought me
this massage chair.

- I what?

- Ahh.

- Finch, you can't buy
things with my credit card.

- Oh, I can do whatever I want,

because without me,
your life would fall apart.

Ahh, oh, you want me
in this chair, brother.

You need me in this chair.


- I don't need you.

- Oh, really?

What dry cleaner
has all your clothes?

- I don't know.

- And what spice
is Sarah allergic to?

- Cardamom?

- I tell ya what, cook
her dinner, make love,

and then watch her
windpipe slam shut.

- You are such a
freakin' little blackmailer.

- Oh, blackmailer, it's so ugly.

I prefer the devil.

- All right, you
know, that's it.

That's it, you know, I've
taken your crap for years.

I mean, when you put pudding
in my pockets, I just smiled.

- When you told
everybody that I was born

with a uterus, I
said, that's Finch.

But this is it,
you've gone too far.

All right, I don't care if my
life falls apart without you.

It's over, you're fired.

- Ahh, actually, I
don't know if you

can fire me without my approval,

'cause I have power of attorney.

- What?

- By the way, I changed
your middle name to Margaret.

I thought it'd be.

- Hi.

Got a minute?

- Sure.
- Okay.

- What's up?

- Look Jack, this is
kinda hard for me to say,

but I want to leave Blush.

- Come on.

- No, look, I am so grateful for

the opportunity you gave me,

but the truth is is
I love cutting hair.

- So, I love eating Hoagies.

You don't see me quitting
and working at a sub shop.

- Sub shops don't hire
people to eat Hoagies.

- Wouldn't it be a
great world if they did?

- Look, Jack, you're
missing the point here.

I'm really leaving.

- I don't believe you.

- Finch, I'm still
workin' here tomorrow,

you could play polka music
and I'll ya a naked lap dance.

- Wow, you're serious.

- Yeah.

- I am stunned.

I mean, people
would kill for this job.

It's glamorous, it pays well,

at Christmas every employee gets

the big can of popcorn
with a three-way divider.

Look, I thought everything
was going so well.

Is it something I did?

- Oh, no, Jack, you've
been great to me.

- I'm a little thrown.

From day one, I thought we
had this special connection.

- Oh, but we do.

- You're like a
member of the family.

- Forget I said anything.

- That's fantastic.

Dennis, good news,
Vicki is staying.

- The place is packed,
the crowd's in a frenzy.

You are going to
make me a legend.

After tonight, men dressed as me

are going to be
groping each other

in bathhouses all
across America.

So, how are you feeling?

- Well, you know,
I had a headache,

but then I took a couple
aspirin that were in your purse.

- Those weren't aspirin.

I just used the bottle
to get through customs.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Nina Man Horn.

- Hello, I'm Nina Van Horn.

I'm afraid I have some bad news.

The star of the show
is not feeling well.

- This guy is fantastic.

- There's been a

I am the real Nina.

- You are better looking
than the real Nina.

Nina, Nina, Nina,
Nina, Nina, Nina,

Nina, Nina, Nina,
Nina, Nina, Nina,

Nina, Nina, Nina,
Nina, Nina, Nina.

♪ I get no kick from champagne

- So, what happened?

How did my dad
convince you to stay?

- Well, he started talkin' about

how close we are
and how I'm like family.

- Vicki, if you would
be happier doing

something else,
then you should do it.

- I owe him too much.

I can't do anything to hurt him.

- She doesn't want to be here.

- What are you talking about?

- Vicki.

She's only staying because she

doesn't want to disappoint you.

I know that you mean well,

but when you care about someone,

you have a tendency
to hold on too tight.

- That's not true.

- Oh, what about
Timmy, the ink boy?

- He loves it here.

- His job is obsolete.

He's been trying
to leave since 1972.

- Yeah, but I like the
way does the finger guns.

- Dad, you're a very
charismatic person.

You can talk
someone into anything.

Just be sure it's what they want

and not only what you want.

- Maya, wait.

You really think
I'm charismatic?

Hey, Timmy.

Never gets old.

- Hey, pal, how's
life goin' without me?

- Fine, I don't need you.

- Aww.

- Hey, Kirsten.

- Hi.

I just opened my
Lands' End catalog,

and I saw a picture of
your dead girlfriend Sarah.

- She loved fleece.

- So you clipped out a
random picture of a model

and ya told me it was
your dead girlfriend.


- Uhh.

- Sarah.

- I just spent the
last three hours

in the ER thanks to
those muffins you sent me.

They had salt in them.

- Salt, who's allergic to salt?

- So, this is Sarah.

Hi, I'm Kirsten, the other
woman Elliot's dating.

- Elliot DiMauro,
what did you do?

- Ma, not now, it's a bad time.

- Oh, tell that to
your Uncle Sal.

Svetlana's friends,
Yuri and Dimitri,

beat him up and
stole his Bonneville.

- Please, please.

I can't watch this anymore.

Listen, Mrs. DiMauro, you
shouldn't be mad at Elliot.

He's already hired
a private nurse

to help Sal through
his recovery.

- He did?

- Yeah.

Now, she's from Thailand, okay,

so some of her medical
techniques are a little unorthodox,

but I don't think Sal
will have any complaints.

- Elliot, you're the best.

- Sarah, come here.

Listen, Elliot was
gonna dump Kirsten.

She's only after him
for his huge trust fund.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Go to him.

Kirsten, Sarah
doesn't even like Elliot.

She just found out he's got

two tickets to
Fashion Week in Milan.

- Oh.

I've never been to Italy.

- Well, do something.

- Sweetie, you need to back off.

I'm not going anywhere.

- Really, well, neither am I.

And, I'm gonna do things
to him that'll blow his mind.

- Well, I'm gonna
please him in ways

he's never even
imagined possible.

- Oh really?

- Yeah.
- Good luck with that.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah,
yeah, ladies, ladies,

arguing is getting us nowhere.

I think there's
only one solution.

I think you should both try

to please Elliot
at the same time.

- I'll do it.

- So will I.

- Buy yourself a Volvo.

- Oh, I'll get rid of all
that hair cutting stuff.

- You really love it, don't you?

- I don't know, it's silly.

- Vicki, if it weren't for me,

what would you
be doing right now?

- Doesn't matter.

- Vicki?

- Look, Jack, when you hired me,

I was in a really bad place.

I needed Blush and I needed you.

Jack, I'll always be grateful.

But, I think I want to go.

- Then you should go.

- Oh, yeah, finally
you're gettin' on that.


- Dennis, I'm hugging
Vicki because she's leaving.

- Oh.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

I'd like to remember
you just as you are.

Can you lose a few
buttons and go like this?


- Goodbye, Finch.

- All right.

Well, I just wanted
to tell ya I'm takin' off.

My lady friend's
here, I'm goin' out.

- Dennis.

You ready?

- Give me second.

It's our third date, if
you know what I mean.

- Come on.

I'll get ya some
popcorn for the road.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you