Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 22 - Evaluate This! - full transcript

Jack asks the staff to evaluate his work anonymously. Nina ends up with a sprained ankle after a walk.

- Okay people, conference table,

just take a minute.

- Hey, Jack Check it
out my 20 year quest

to complete my planet of
the apes collection is over.

- I don't get that movie.

Those female apes
are they supposed

to be sexy or something?

- I don't think so.

- Are you sure?

- We gotta getch you a woman.

- Couple a quick things.

It's fashion week. Lena, I'm
sure you're looking forward

to all the big parties.

- I resent that implication.

You flat line at a
couple of runway shows,

and suddenly
you're a party animal.

- Next item, Vicki had
an interesting idea.

You're all going to evaluate me

so that I can be a better boss.

- Oh yeah, I read
a great article

about this in Business Week.

- All the captains of
industry are doing it.

Kirk, Kangaroo, Crunch

Although technically
Crunch is a cap, mmm.

- I want you to
be brutally honest.

Don't worry because the
evaluations are anonymous,

and one more thing.

Show of hands, has anyone here

ever been even the slightest
bit turned on by a movie ape?

- A little bit.

- Well, I've read
your evaluations,

and you've made it quite clear

where I need to improve.

Elliot they were supposed
to be anonymous,

but you signed yours.

- Well, Jack some people
feel the need to hide

under the blanket of anonymity,

but I for one am not
afraid to stand by my words.

- So you really think
I'm a perfectionist

who works too hard
because I care too much.

- Damn a check, I do.

- And Maya feels
that I'm a saint

who smothers his
employees with too much love.

- Sorry, sounds a lot
harsher when it's read aloud.

- Forgive me Jack, I was brutal.

- My rugged good looks
distract you from your job.

- It's like staring at the sun.

- Point taken.

No more rugby shirts
on casual Fridays.

And, and Dennis you
just wrote, dude you rock.

- Wait a minute did
everyone sign theirs.

- Ah, no, not everyone.

Ah, one anonymous person
thinks I can be controlling,

and manipulative
which can stifle creativity.

Who do you think wrote that?


But, I,

I thought he wanted honesty.

- Ya know, honesty
is one of those things

people say they want, but don't

like education or children.

Okay, well, I better go, if I
wanna make the Versace show.

- Oh, hey, it's a beautiful
day, ya wanna walk?

- Oh, I hate walking,
it's so pedestrian.

- Nina, it'll only
take like 10 minutes.

- God gave us feet
for three reasons

to be massaged, pedicured,

and tied to the
other end of the bed.

- You're walking,
it'll be good for you.

I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to distract you.

I just thought that street
juggler was amazing.

- Little tip, never yell,
look he's got six balls,

to a woman whose
about to step off a curb.

- I feel completely responsible.

Maybe you should let
me stay for a few days

because with Simon on tour

you're gonna need some help.

- Well, it's true
with Erma gone,

I could use an extra hand.

- Oh, you lost your housekeeper.

- Well, there was a
little theft problem.

- She caught me
going through her purse.

- So how can I help?

- Well actually, I did jot down
a few things you could do.

- Nina, I'm not gonna
take the GED for you.

- Well, at the very least you
have to go to the Soho Grand,

and go to that party for
Stella McCartney's spring line.

- I don't know, I'm
no fun at those things.

- Look, you don't have
to be the life of the party,

you don't have to be
entertaining or charming,

or remotely interesting,
just be yourself.

- Well, I guess if it's
important for the magazine.

- Good, you can just
relax, mingle, drink,

and if you get trapped
in a boring conversation,

do the chuckle off,

just laugh and walk away.

- That's ironic, it reminds me

of this one time
at science camp.

- Hello, Vicki.

- Hello, Jack.

- Oh, excuse me, by saying hello

I didn't mean to manipulate you

into saying hello back.

I mean maybe you
wanted to say hey,

or top of the morning,
or hot chowder, ouch.

Don't let me stifle
your creativity.

- Hey, Jack got all the
lint off your sweater.

- Well put it back.

- Listen, slutty
mcfrilly sleeves.

Ya poked a bear, now
go give him some honey.

And save a little bit for me.

- Can I come in?

- Sure, unless you find
me too pushy and bloated.

- I never said bloated.

- It was implied.

- Oh, come on Jack.

Your never gonna
be a better boss

if everyone's afraid
to be honest with you.

- I don't know, fear's always
been a big winner for me.

- These are the people
that are closest to you

don't you wanna know
what they really think?

- I guess so, but I
don't think they're lying

as much as you think they are.

- Jack, I put all the lint
back on your sweater,

your right it looks much
better now, good call.

- Hey there.

- Where the hell have you been?

Thought you were only
going to that party for an hour.

- Well, I was, but
then I took your advice,

and guess what I
had a really great time.

I mean a really great time.

- Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I'm sure
you had a Maya great time.

- Actually it was
a Nina great time.

I was dancing and
drinking like a fish.

- Teh, ya oh two daiquiris.

- Yeah, no I didn't
finish the second one,

but I did eat the pineapple,

and then I started
doing adorable things

with this tiny sword.

Hiya, Hiya, Hiya, Hiya, Hiya.

- Okay, just put the
tiny sword away, I get it,

you had a great time.

Now, let's focus on me.

Hello, Stella hi,
listen I'm so sorry

I couldn't make your party,

I know you were counting on me.

Who, ah, yeah, she's right here.

- It's for me.

Stella McCartney.

Stella hi,

no way, no way,

no way.

I am so there.

I've been invited
to the after party.

They are in a limo
downstairs waiting for me.

- You're going
out already, again?

- Yeah, I be smooz'in and
booz'in, the men all be parooz'in

- Wait, wait, wait,
you just got home.

We haven't even had a chance to.

- In the past I know
you've been afraid

to tell me the truth,

but that ends now,
pull no punches

how am I as a boss?

- Alright you can be gruff.

- That's right I can

- You can be self-centered.

- Excellent.

- Dismissive.

- A little immature.

- You belittle me.

- Thank you.

- I try to make you happy,

buy you, you give me nothing.

You crushed my spirit.

- Alright Sally, take a midol.


- What, ha, ha, you're great.

- Oh, come on Dennis,
you of all people

should have more
complaints than anybody,

and yet I'm complaint free.

- You're gonna tell me,

you don't find me constant
demands annoying.

- No.

- Tell me I'm annoying.

- Jack this is.

- Tell me whatch
you really think,

or doctor Zayas gets it.

- Please don't hurt my monkey.

- Twist, - No.

- Twist.


- Oh, alright, you're a
selfish, spoiled bastard.

- Excellent, let it out.

- For the past 10 years

you've been treating
me like garbage.

Dennis sleep in my car so
no one steals my CD player,

Dennis break into my house

to see if the guard
dogs are alert.

- Okay, this has
been constructive.

- Who gets strip
searched by customs

when you smuggle
in your Cuban cigars.

Right, who gets behind the wheel

when side swipe
someone in your rang rover

after three vodka gimlets, huh?

I won't drive
again till I'm sixty.

- Okey dokey.

- Yeah, you're a pampered,
lazy, spoiled son of a bitch

who won't lift a fat
finger to help anyone,

and I hate your vest, yeah.

Think Jack's still mad.

- It doesn't matter.

Ya laid him out,
and he deserved it.

You started the revolution,
baby, power to the people.

Hey, big guy.

Great haircut, really
shows off the vest.

- Dennis.

- Jack, your bagel's
almost ready.

- That's okay, I toasted my own.

Actually I just came
over for some coffee.

- I'll get it.

- No, I'll get it.

Ya see I realized that I have
to be less demanding of you,

and more self reliant.

Can I get you a cup of globe?

- Ah.

- Theeeere ya go.

- Jack, I'm really impressed.

Finch was straight with you,

and you were trying to change.

- Actually I'm trying
to drive him insane.

- What are you talking about?

- Dennis lives for this job.

I'm gonna remind him of that,

So I'll see ya later.

I'm gonna pick up
my own dry cleaning.

- Ahhh.

- I gotta go, I'm gonna be
late for the Armani dinner.

Oooh, out two nights in a row,

hello, is there a party
girl in the room, check it.

- I don't think you should go.

- Why?

- Because they're
setting you up.

Oh, Maya these
people are vicious.

They'll bring
you to their party,

they'll fix up with
a handsome guy,

and then when
you least expect it,

they'll dump a bucket of
pig's blood on your head.

- That's the plot of Carrie.

Why are you doing this?

Why are you trying
to ruin this for me?

- Because.

- Oh my god, your jealous.

- Oh, please.

- You are, for years
you've been making fun

of my lame social life,

and I'm finally out
there in the spotlight,

and you can't take it.

- No you're not only
boring, you're delusional.

- And late for a party,
excuse me I've gotta go.

- You're not walk'in out on me.

- Getch you claw off of me.

- Uuugh, my leg.

- I'm not buying it,
save your breath,

and don't wait up.

- Great,

hello old friend.

Oh, damn it, it's a tic tac.

- Heya, is there anything
I can do for you jack?

- Uh, no I can handle
everything myself, thanks.

- You know what, you're
missing a button there, let me

- No, I can get it.

I got it.

- No I'll take it - I got it.

- Jack.

- I got it - Jack let me take

- Get, Got you - Goh.

- I'll do it myself.

Just the way I got
my own car washed,

and I visited my own mother.

- Meemaw.

- Did you give
her a sponge bath.

- No gloves.

It is such a joy to
do things for myself.

- Come on jack, obviously
Finch hurt your feelings

so stop playing with
his head and talk to him.

- No need I've broken him down,

now I'll offer him
a menial task,

and he'll jump for joy.

This never happened.

- Jack's being so
thoughtful and considerate.

What do you think he's do'in?

- He's punishing me.

He's taking away the very
thing I live for, serving him.

He's an evil genius,

like doctor Frankenstein
or Katie Couric.

- And what are you gonna do?

- Nothing, I'm gonna let
Jack take care of himself

till he begs me for help.

Wait till Meemaw comes back
all sweaty from that Jazzercise.

Hey I'm taking off for the day.

- Ah great, I'm just
gonna stay here,

and clean off all
these old golf shoes.

Unless you'd care to help me.

They've got the big divets
and the clumps like you like.


- No, I'm good.

- I might even be
pressing my own pants.

- The linen ones
with the pleats.

- Maybe.

- Thought you were going
to a basketball game tonight.

- Well I was, but now I'm
gonna have to stay here

doing all this work for myself.

Got any suggestions?

- Yeah, I'll go the
basketball game.

- Fine,

I hope I don't
mess up the pleats,

or worse

singe the fabric.

- Well, I hope the athletic men

don't do special
things with the ball

that you'll regret missing.

- Oh my god.

Have you been
there this whole time?

- Couldn't move, couldn't
reach my medication.

Think I blacked out.

- Oh, I feel terrible, I
never would have left you

if I'd known,

wait a minute.

If you've been there
the whole night.

Why is there fresh
ice in that glass?

- Oh, kiss my ass Nancy Drew.

- What is wrong with you.

I came back here,
because I felt guilty

about our fight and
then you pull this.

To hell with it,
I'm out of here.

- Well fine, ya know
what, good riddance.

Don't go, I'm lonely.

- What.

- I said, I'm boney.

Wonderfully boney.

- I specifically heard lonely.

Fine, fine, okay
Simon's out of town,

and I'm stuck here, and well I

I just like to not be
the only person here.

- But Nina, you
have a million friends.

- Sure I know a million
people I can go out with,

but they're not the kind of
people I wanna stay in with.

- Oh my god,

I'm your best friend.

I'm your best friend.

- No, It's just you're
the only person

I can trust to heat up my soup.

- Like a best friend.

- Will you stop saying that.

It's just you know Benny's gone,

and well you and I
have know each other

for a very long time,

and it's just a certain
level of comfort

that comes with.

- With being a best friend.

I'm coming in for a hug.

- Okay, enough.

- Okay, best friend, ya
know what I'm gonna do?

I gonna put on my
Jewel's CD, make us a pot

of cinnamon hot cocoa,

and we'll stay up all night

pulling apart that
puzzle called men.

- That sounds great.

Cocoa's in the pantry.

- Ya know what's great

you always come off
so glib and shallow,

but now I know deep
down you're just as scared,

and vulnerable
as the rest of us.

You don't have to
be scared anymore.

You've got me.

Hey, do you have a ouiji board.

- How was your night?

- Great, I ironed three
pairs of pants, a shirt,

and 500 dollars.

How was the game?

- Great, great a
tall guy shot the ball

from super far, and they
gave him an extra point.

- Oh, you're kidding,

you can't even name
one basketball player.

- You can't name
one brand of iron.

- Maypool - Tallie Johnson.

- Whirltag.

- Sammie Hypburg.

- Oh stop, this is ridiculous,

and you completely missed
the point of this exercise,

and we're gonna
fix it right now.

This is crazy.

You're pretending
you like ironing,

and you're pretending
you don't care about him.

You guys have to
stop playing games,

and really talk to each other.

- Sun spot.

- Dribbles Mcfee.

Guys, have a chance
to really connect,

really get to know each other,

or else go back to living in
a pathetic world of denial.

Come on, what do you say.

- Dennis.

- Yes.

- I wanna cup of coffee.

- I'm on it.

- No, what you
guys are just gonna

pretend like nothing
ever happened,

but Jack I thought
that you were,

that you were.

- What?

You though I was what?

- A brilliant man who
looks great in a vest.

- I appreciate your honesty.

- Jack, Meemaw,
there's a situation,

May I?

- Take the gloves.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me hard

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ Cause it's gotta
mind of it's own

♪ Life keeps bringing
me back to you.