Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 21 - Future Issues - full transcript

Jack suddenly announces his retirement and puts Maya in charge. He tries to escape an office farewell party in his honor.

- Okay, what's next?

- We just have to approve
the cover shot, and we're done.

- Elliot.

- Sir.

Francesca. What do you think?

- Holy cow, looks like she
gained a couple pounds.

- Yeah, more than
a couple, three.

- Somebody take a
pillow and smother me.

- Why don't we use your boobs?

I didn't even plan that.

I gave you the
ol' doopsy doodle.

I went knock, knock,
knock over here,

and gone around there.

- Okay, I think we're done here.

- Okay, just one
more thing real quick,

I won't be here after tomorrow.

- Oh wait, whoa, you didn't
talk about going on vacation.

- It's not a vacation, Dennis.

After tomorrow, I
won't be here for good.

I'm retiring.

- You're what?

- I'm retiring.


Oh Tom, yeah I think
there's something

wrong the boat, yeah.

If you could - What
the hell was that?!

- I can't believe it.

- Oh god.

- This is so out of the blue.

What do you think
brought this on?

- Wait, I know.

Jack is having sexual problems.

No, think about it
men always freak out,

and quit their jobs whenever
their peter stops piping.

- They do not.

I mean, I assume they don't.

I mean, hey, hey,
how would I know?

- Dad.

- Hey pumpkin, what's up?

- I'm retiring tomorrow,
that's all you're gonna say?

- Yeah, what's the big deal?

I have a boat that's
just sitting there,

and it's time, that's all.

- This is how you're doing it?

Announcing it one
day, leaving the next.

No time to let it sink in.

No nothing?

- Exactly, I want my last day
to be just like any other day.

- Jack, what's this all about?

- Look, I'd love
to stay and talk,

but I'm late I
gotta meet this guy

about fixing a
leak in my dinghy.

- See, I told you so.

- Dad, we have some
unfinished business here.

- That's right.

You're the new editor.

- What?! No!

I mean, that's
incredibly flattering,

but whoa actually this is huge.

Really, me?

- That's right.

Congratulations, pumpkin.

- And that snotty Jeannie
Warshack said in high school,

I'd never make it on my own.

- And you showed her, pumpkin.

Ow, that's my head.

- Hey, what are you doing?

- It's Jack.

I can't stop crying,
and I just don't want

anyone to see me like this.

- But why, hon, you always cry.

One of your nicknames
is the town crier.

- Who calls me that?

- The guys in the mailroom.

- That pizza was hot.

- You wanna talk about it?

- I was just lying here thinking

that I'm the only one
in my entire family

who ever amounted to anything.

Only one reason why...

you father.

- I think your
talent had a little

something to do with that.

- Do you have any
idea what it's like

trying to make rent selling
your photos on the street?

Thousands of people
walk by everyday.

Most of them just ignore you,

some of them take a quick look,

give you a little nod.

A few of them even buy
something because it's cheap,

and it'll fill that empty
space in my bathroom

over the toilet.

Jack stops, and
he changes my life.

How do you thank a guy
for something like that?

- I don't know.

- I mean, what's it
gonna be like around here

when he's gone?

- I have no idea.

- Ever get horny
when you're sad?

- No.

- Yeah, me neither.

- Oh, life's funny, isn't it?

- It sure is.

- Yeah, I mean, here I admire
the feminist things you say,

yet my insecurities keep me
from expressing that to you.

I mean, all that gunk I said
earlier about your boobs,

I didn't mean it.

I mean, sure they're big.

I mean, they are huge.

I mean, I get calls, like,

"Do you work with that girl?"

But that's just as a fellow
feminist, I'm telling you.

- Mm-hm.

Finch, if you're
trying to suck up to me

'cause I'm taking over,
it's not quite working.

- Of course it's not working.

It took me years to learn
how to suck up to Jack.

Sure, I'll prance around
in your new underpants

to break 'em in, but...

it won't be the same.

- Okay, first of all, I will
never ever ask you to do that.

- That's the beauty of Jack.

He never had to ask.

- Look, Finch there's gonna
be a period of transition,

but everything's gonna be okay.

- Jack and I...

He was like a father to me.

You wouldn't understand.

- Wow, he's taking
it pretty hard, huh?

- Oh yeah.

- You know, you might thing
this is sappy and old-fashioned,

but you know where
I met your dad?

At an orgy.

- I don't wanna hear this.

- No, no, no, I know
what you're thinking,

but it's really,
it's a sweet story.

It was 1971, oil-covered
bodies were everywhere.

You couldn't tell where
one person ended,

and the next one began.

- Oh god.

- And there was Jack.

High on something,
trying to make love

to this gorgeous model,

but laughing hysterically
because he couldn't

get his pants off
over his shoes.

- This is your sweet story?

- The sweet part is
he finally gave up,

pulled his pants back on,

and made it home
in time to be there

for the last few minutes
of your birthday party.

- Hey, Maya.

I just heard, is it true?

- I'm afraid so, Kevin.

- Oh man, that stinks.

I like your dad.

He was always so nice to me.

Hey, here's a funny story.

I once ran into
your dad at the park.

- Oh yeah, what happened?

- I just said, I ran
into him in the park.

Wow, with her in
charge, this place

is gonna go down the tubes.

- Hey, Dennis
that's the last time

I went to the
bathroom as the boss.

- Oo, I'll call the Smithsonian.

- The sarcasm I
won't miss so much.

- Silver fox is in the hole.

Silver fox is in the hole.

Go, go, go.

- Okay people, move, move, move.

Finch, why is there a
girl in her underwear?

- Oh yeah, we hired her.

She's gonna be
jumping out of giant cake.

- Yeah, I don't
see a giant cake.

- It's at my apartment.

- Ready?

Hey, you ready to go?

- She can't wait to
take the reins, I love it.

Life of leisure here I come.

- You know, I gotta
say it's amazing

how you're handling this.

- Maya, it's all a
matter of perspective.

Where some people see
endings, I see beginnings.

I couldn't be happier.


- Son of a bitch.

- Well, there's an
awkward moment.

♪ On the good ship lollipop

♪ It's a sweet trip
to the candy shop

♪ Where bonbons play ♪

Wait, where's Mr. Gallo?

Finch, if this is some
sort of practical joke,

I will literally rip
your head off!

- Dad, open up.

Finch, I think I
should go in there.

What should I do?

- Well.

- What?

- I'm a bit torn.

On one hand, I've
been sworn to secrecy,

on the other hand, it's not
like he'll need it anymore.

- Need what?

- There's a secret
passageway out.

- What?

- Why would he need that?

- For the ex-wives.

If one of them comes by,

I press a secret button that
sends him the old Bat-signal.

- Well, open it up.

- All right, c'mon.

Oh my god, that's amazing.

- That is incredible.

- Well, it doesn't
automatically switch

your clothes for
a superhero outfit,

but it's all right.

I can't believe this is here.

- What were you thinking?

If I wanted a surprise party,

I would've told Dennis
to throw me one.

- Well, what were
we supposed to do,

just let you walk out
of here after 35 years?

- That's what I
asked for, isn't it?

- Everybody says that, but
that's not what they really want.

Those people out there
want to say goodbye to you,

don't you care about them?

- Of course I do.

You think I don't
love this place?

You think I don't
love those people?

Maya, this is killing me.

God, well go out
there and tell them that.

- Forget it.

If I walk out there,
and see all those faces

looking at me,
I'm gonna lose it.

And that's not how I
want to be remembered.

Now, if you'll
excuse me, I gotta go.

- Hey, this is not about you!

These people, if you do
not say goodbye to them,

they are gonna be devastated.

Now, suck it up
and get out there!

- I can't.


- Hey boss, hey comin' through.

Sorry about blabbin'
about the passageway.

- Dennis, it's fine I'm leaving,

it doesn't matter
what they know.

- Even the tushy tuck?

- Okay, that could've
stayed between us.

- All right, well look,
everyone's out here.

Let's go. Let's hit the party.


- Sorry, can't.

Gotta go.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wow, this is amazing.

- Yeah, like this
is the first time

today you crawled
out of bar, c'mon.

- Nina, would you excuse me?

I gotta go.

- Jack, the party.

- There is not gonna be a party.

- Well, tell that to the
brownie I ate 45 minutes ago.

- I'm sorry, but this
is how it's gotta be.

Hey there, Jack.

Oh, c'mon!

- This is awesome.

Oh, I'm stuck.

- Push, Mrs. Di Maro, push!

- Would you people, please,
just let me get out of here?

- Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine,

but first you will indulge
me in a little toast.

- I'd really rather you didn't.

- Yeah, well that's tough

'cause technically
I'm in charge now.

To my father, Jack Gallo.

When I first showed up here,

I wasn't a very big
fan of this magazine,

and to be perfectly honest,

I wasn't a very
big fan of my dad.

- Hear, hear!

- But since then, I've
gotten to know you

for who you really are,

a warm, loving, generous,
brilliant, terribly-flawed, man.

Seven years ago, you
asked me to help become

a better father to Hanna,

and in typical
Jack Gallo fashion,

you pulled a fast one.

While I wasn't looking, you
became a real father to me.

- I think I'm gonna cry.

- Yeah, there's a shocker.

- Can I say something?

- I really wish you wouldn't.

- Jack Gallo, the
greatest man I've ever...

Jack Gallo,
great... I can't do it.

- Jack, if I may?

- When I needed a
job, you were there.

When I needed a
friend, you were there.

When I needed a
kidney, you were there.

- Yeah, I think
that was my kidney.

- No, but Jack made you do it,

and that's what's so sweet.

Look, I've never been
a woman of words,

but I think I do know
how to say goodbye.

- Would you like your gum back?

- You keep it.

- Okay, I'd like to
say something now.

Jack, Jack,

I can't somebody else go.

- How about I go?


- Now, listen since Elliot's
such a blubbering fool,

I'll go.

Jack, what can I say?

You da man so I laid
down some rhymes.

- Oh, you wrote him a
poem, that is so sweet.

- It's not a poem, it's
a hardcore, Def Jam,

street rap, baby.

Now, I don't have
the beats down.

So you gotta picture
it with the chains,

and the bling bling,
and my Escalade.

There's this bro, Gallo.

Is he shallow?

No, he just gots to go.

Where? I don't know.

All the sudden he's Han Solo.

Again, there's the boom
boom, and the bitches,

and the glocks.

So, stay a while make
me smile like Gomer Pyle.

I look up to you like
the cops at King Kong,

Chinese to ping pong,

snap it on a dabbing bong.

- Thank you, Dennis.

I'm sure that means a lot.

- Okay, I'm ready
now. I'm ready.

Webster's defines a man as...

Can't do it.

- Well, I guess that's
all we wanted to say.

I hope it wasn't too much.

- Wait.

I didn't wanna do this.

I've never been
good at goodbyes.

I'm a kind of hey how
ya doin' kind of guy.

Oh, screw it, here goes.


- Oh boy.

- I've loved
watching you turn into

the artist you are today.

And the day I met
you, man, what a thrill.

It was like spotting
a cheap painting

at a garage sale and
knowing it was a Rembrandt.

- J is for the joy you bring,

oh god I still can't do it.

- Beautiful Nina.

It's been so long
for us, hasn't it?

And yet, look at you, you
put 20-year-olds to shame.

And you know what I'll
always love most about you?

- My ass?

Most people say it's my ass.

- You refuse to get old.

And not in some tacky
facelift, collagen way,

it's in here.

And it's in here.

And if life's a party,
and I like to think it is,

you're the sparkle
in the mirror ball,

and the rum in the punch.

- Oh, Jack.

- Dennis, Dennis, Dennis.

Nobody thought we'd
get along, remember?

Two different
worlds, and all that.

But what nobody
knew, is that under that

smart ass exterior
is a sweetheart

waitin' to get out.

Dennis, I know how
much you look up to me,

and I just want you to know

how good that makes me feel.

I think of you as a son.

- You got some dry cleaning that

needs to be picked up Tuesday.

- I wouldn't even know how.

- I could do if you want me to.

- Well kid, it's all yours.

- This is too weird.

- Yeah, I bet you
never imagined this

when you walked in
here seven years ago.

- That's for sure.

- But I did.

I knew right away.

'Cause you're smart,

and you're tough,

and as much as you fight it

you're a Gallo.

- I'm kind of like a
Gallo, right Jack?

- Right.

- I love you, Dad.

- I love you, pumpkin.

- I love you guys.

- Well, I guess we'd
better get out there.

Yeah, right.

It's time.

- We made a great team, huh?

My life.

I've had a hell of a ride.

But I wouldn't trade the time
we had together for anything.

- You okay?

- It's all good.